How To Create Chemistry: 9 Simple Moves to Escape the ‘Friend Zone’ and Make Sparks Fly on Your Next Date

In this column, dating coach Connell Barrett shows you how to create chemistry with women so you can make sparks fly.

Hey, Connell! I’ve been struggling in my conversations with women. I know I need to be “Man-to-Woman, like you say in your book. Otherwise, you end up in the friend zone. I’m tired of mediocre dates, and women saying “I just didn’t feel a connection.” Can you help? Got any cool flirting moves?

—Brian, 37, Miami

Brian, think about flirting moves on a date as frosting on a cake—less is more. The cake is YOU: your authentic, real, best self. 

That said, women do want a guy who can flirt. So, here are 9 moves you can call on when you need to know how to create chemistry with women and make those sparks fly on dates. 

How To Create Chemistry With Women On Dates

TIP NO. 1: Use the Push-Pull

On dates, playful teases and sincere compliments are both effective tools. A “push-pull” combines one of each. The positive comment “pulls” her closer to you, while the tease playfully “pushes” her away.

Push: Playfully showing disinterest 

Pull: Showing interest 

Push-Pull: A light, joking comment that blends both

It works because the contrast of the positive and negative creates a compelling curiosity. A push-pull gives her a more emotionally-layered experience. It’s two singular tastes that taste great together—the Reese’s cup of flirting.

Heck, the title of my book resonates because it’s a push-pull. “Dating Sucks [push] but You Don’t [pull].”

Here are some push-pull examples. 

“You’re either the coolest girl I’ve met in a while or the dorkiest. I’m just not sure which.” 

“I was falling for you until you said [comment she made].”

“You’re so cute—you remind me of my little sister.” 

“We should go on a date, as long as you promise not to stalk me.”

Avoid using rehearsed push-pulls; the best ones arise in the moment. 

And when you get good, you can stack several into a conversation. I was once vibing with a petite, 20-something graduate student I had just met in a dark lounge in Brooklyn. I noticed she used old-timey phrases like “pep in my step” and “back in my day.” I said, “I’m fascinated [pull] by you. You’re this sexy [pull] young woman—probably too young for me [push]. And you talk like my grandma [push]. I don’t know whether to kiss you [pull] or watch ‘Matlock’ with you [push].” She loved it. 

Many guys are afraid to flirt and to tease a girl. A push-pull lets you do both, dialing-up romantic tension.

TIP NO. 2: Flirt, Don’t Fawn

A big mistake that men make when trying to flirt with women is to fawn over them. That is, being too impressed by a woman too quickly. 

Such comments might include, “You are just so amazing,” “I’ve never met anyone like you,” and “Wow, you are so beautiful!” Those things are fine to say after you’ve gotten close, but if you lay it on too thick too soon, you can come across as her groupie, not her equal. It feels needy, even desperate. That’s a big turn-off.

So don’t fawn. Flirt. I define flirting as showing a woman that she’s affecting you but in a casual, no-big-deal way. This makes her feel sexy and attractive, without putting her on a pedestal. 

Here are examples of being affected by her, but not fawning over her. 

“Sorry, what did you say? Your lips were distracting me.”

“That dress is very… wow. Anyway…”

“You make it hard for me to clink thearly.”

[After she says something you approve of] “That makes me want to make out with you, but I’ll try to behave myself.”

To see a master flirt in action, go to YouTube and watch clips of comedian Craig Ferguson on his old CBS talk show, “The Late Late Show.” Whenever a beautiful starlet was his guest, he always let his attraction show—yet he did it with humor and class, and he never fawned.

TIP NO. 3: Change Her Mood, Not Her Mind 

If an interaction isn’t going the way you’d like, change her mood, not her mind. That is, don’t use logic. Try humor or storytelling or tease her. Spike the interaction.

For a few weeks, I had been trying for a first date with Annie—a kind, curious private-equity real-estate agent I’d connected with on a dating app. We couldn’t get our schedules aligned. 

One day she sent me a polite blow-off message. Instead of trying to logically change her mind (a failing strategy!), I cracked a few silly jokes. The result? Just a few messages after seeming to reject me, Annie called ME to set up a date. Here’s the text exchange showing how I did it.

ANNIE: Hey sorry I won’t be able to meet you. I am talking to someone I’m interested in getting to know. But best of luck. 

ME: No worries at all. Glad to hear you made a love connection. But I’ll have to return the engagement ring I bought you [RING EMOJI]

ANNIE: Lol. Sorry I’m just an honest person… But hey, perhaps it will be a terrible date. 

ME: I have an idea. How about I come on the date with you! & you can give the guy you like most a rose, like on “the Bachelorette.”

ANNIE: Lol! That would be different fer sure. It’s too bad that you and I never connected. I just don’t like dating more than one guy. 

ME: No worries. I only spent $7 on your ring so it’s OK. A fake diamond. Diamond-oid. 

ANNIE: Perfect. I’m clumsy and I probably would fall and lose the ring. 

ME: Phew! Then I dodged a bullet. I mean, you’re adorable and you seem cool, but if you dropped the symbol of our eternal love down in the gutter, that would hurt. [HEARTBREAK EMOJI] 

ANNIE: LMAO. I can’t help it. I’m clumsy. 

ME: That is SO you. It’s why I proposed to you, Cupcake? [WEDDING EMOJI] 

ANNIE: Hahaha. You’re cute. Maybe I should meet you. 

ME: Lol. Thanks. If I’m cute, then you’re suuuper cute. I’m just trying keep up. You have a great sense of humor. & Don’t worry. I never propose till date no 2.

ANNIE: Haha. We should meet up. Imma call you in a min…

Seconds later, my phone rang, we talked for a half hour, and two nights later we had a great date that ended with her spending the night. 

And all I did was have fun with her, rather than trying to logically convince her to meet with me, which would not have worked. 

If you want to change her mind, change her mood.

TIP NO. 4: Fire “the Concierge”

I was wing-manning one afternoon for my client James who was chatting with women at a bookstore. He was relaxed and real with me, but whenever he approached a girl, he would adopt the sycophantic mannerisms of a concierge at a four-star hotel. He walked up to one woman, bowed (!), and said, “And how are you this fine evening?” I’m surprised he didn’t offer to help with her luggage. 

Remove the mask. Be you. Be authentic. You are enough.

TIP NO. 5: Text a Woman as You Would a Good Friend 

Do this. Grab your phone and find a recent text exchange with a good friend. I’ll bet your tone with your pal is relaxed and light, maybe with a joke or good-natured jibe tossed in, right? This is because you’re being authentic with them, not trying to impress them or be someone you’re not. 

You want to text a woman you’re interested in the same way as you text your friend, but just with a little bit of Man-to-Woman Communication. 

TIP NO. 6: Add a Dash of Cockiness 

Back in the day, I spent more time in the friend zone than Jerry Rice spent in the end zone. Adding a dash of cockiness helped me escape. I’m a natural-born smart-ass, so when I met Katie on Match, I let that snarky side come out. On our first date, I teased her and accused her of checking out my (non-existent) ass. 

The next day, I texted, “I just want you to know that you had a great time last night and you’d like to see me again.” Our chemistry was like fireworks on the Fourth. If you have a cheeky side that’s not coming out with women, try a dash of cockiness. 

Just make sure you combine cocky comments with humor, or else you can come across as pompous. And a little goes a long way. 

TIP NO. 7: Compliment Her Inner Qualities

We all want to be appreciated for what’s inside. Let a woman know an inner quality you like about her. Are you impressed by her smarts, wits, sense of humor, or caring heart? Tell her. Lots of guys have likely told her how beautiful she is on the outside, but you’re that rare man who also sees the beauty within.

Tip No. 8: Give Her a “Deal-Breaker” 

A fun way to tease is to take an innocent detail about her and pretend—playfully, of course—that it’s a deal-breaker.

HER: “I’m more of a cat person than a dog person.”

YOU: “What? No! That’s a deal-breaker. I knew you were too good to be true.”

HER: “No, I like dogs! I just love cats, more.” 

YOU: “Sorry, I don’t think I can be with someone who has a coat made of Dalmatians.”

HER: [Laughing] “No, I really do love dogs.”

In addition to generating fun banter, giving your date little challenges can make her “chase” you a bit, getting her more invested in winning you over. And it’s a truism that the more invested a person is in something, the more they want that something.

TIP NO. 9: Move Your Eyes in a “7” Pattern

To dial up the sexual tension, move your eyes in a “7” pattern—that is, from her right eye to her left eye and down to her lips. This will amplify your attraction for her, which enhances something called “emotional state transference.” 

Emotions are contagious—what you feel, a woman will feel. If you let yourself get lost in her baby blues, you can transfer the desire that you feel onto her. 

Now you know how to create chemistry on a date. Instant attraction occurs when you pique her curiosity and don't seem like every other guy. Be yourself, talk casually, tease, authentically compliment, and simply have fun. Electricity between a man and a woman only happens when both parties buy-in. You have everything you need to connect with women inside of you. So, go out there and create some chemistry!

Need more help? Book a meeting with me.


Dating coach for men, Connell Barrett, has helped men all over the world find the women of their dreams. Book a meeting with Connell here. For more dating tips, find his book "Dating Sucks But You Don't" on Amazon or listen to his podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend.

Click here to book your free call with dating coach Connell Barrett

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How To Go From Dating To Relationship

In this article, dating coach for men Connell Barrett shows you how to go from dating to relationship and how to determine if she's "the one."

My client Richard (Higher Self name: “Slick Rick”) had solved his biggest problem: not knowing how to talk to women. Now, he wanted more. He wanted a great girlfriend. 

A real estate investor of Indian ancestry, Richard had only had one girlfriend by the time he reached his thirties. “In Indian families, you’re encouraged not to date,” he said. “You’re taught to focus on studies and career and somehow you’ll just magically get married. I never learned what women are like and how to flirt, and all these walls went up. I felt dysfunctional.” 

Working with me, Richard razed those walls and found himself dating a few women at the same time. But having a “roster” didn’t fulfill him. He sought a relationship, preferably with Sarah, a kind, confident healthcare worker he’d had a couple of great dates with. But he wasn’t sure how to go about it. 

“I was like, do you just ask? Or do I wait for her to bring it up? I wasn’t sure.”

How To Go From Dating To Relationship

I advised him to shift from Dating Mode to the Boyfriend Experience. That is, show the woman what a relationship with you would feel like. Basically, fake it till you make it . . . official. 

Instead of going out for drinks and dinners, which they’d already done, Richard asked Sarah to pick out clothes with him at Urban Outfitters, attend yoga class together, and shop at Whole Foods. He introduced her to his friends and coworkers. He booked her for weekly dates. And soon she was reciprocating, asking him to join her and her girlfriends for brunch. “We both just clicked into these roles and it felt so natural,” he said. 

Richard asked Sarah to date exclusively, and she said yes. Eight months later, while vacationing together in San Francisco, he dropped to one knee and proposed—in the shadow of the Golden Gate Bridge, no less. Another yes! 

When you’ve found The One—or at least, the one you want to be your girlfriend—it helps to have a plan. In this chapter, I’ll give you the playbook to landing a great relationship. And I’ll share the three questions to ask your- self to make sure that she’s really the right woman for you. 

Settle for More 

When you enter a relationship, it will fall into one of four categories, depending on where you are in your search for love. Here they are, from worst to first. 

Wrong Person, Wrong Time: This is when she’s not a good fit for you, and you don’t even want a relationship. But dating sucks, and you don’t want to be alone, so you relent. The ultimate in settling. 

Wrong Person, Right Time: You’re ready to commit to someone, but you have a scarcity of options, so you settle for what you can get. This is most men, I believe. 

Right Person, Wrong Time: You weren’t looking for romance, but how could you not lock her down? She’s awesome. 

Right Person, Right Time: Brains, beauty, kind—the whole package.

If she turns you into a human heart–eyed emoji, and you’re ready to dive in. This is the ideal. 

As men, deep down we all want true love, but we tend to settle for something comfortable and convenient. Something “good enough.” But when you settle, you miss out on finding the right person. 

Don’t settle for “good enough.” This is too important. It’s your love life. Raise your standards and go after a truly great relationship with a quality woman who’s right for you. 

3 Important To Questions To Ask Before Persuing The Relationship

signs a casual relationship is getting serious

If you feel like she might be the right person at the right time, you need to ask yourself three important questions before pursuing a relationship with her. There's no dating to relationship timeline. The most important thing to determine is your long-term compatibility.

1. Do we “just fit”?

Do your souls dovetail? Listen to your gut.

2. Does your Big Life Stuff align?

Are you compatible in areas such as core values, wanting a family, religious views, political beliefs, and cultural backgrounds? Granted, you may only want a girlfriend right now, not a wife, but a great relationship should have strong long-term potential. You may have stuff in common but to make it work long-term, you need most of your Big Life Stuff to align.

3. Will We Grow Together?

Can you see the two of you growing together, complementing one another? Because if a relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying. There’s no in-between.

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, there’s a chance you’re not with the right person. You may be settling. Remember, you’re a Radically Authentic guy with an abundance of dating options. Never settle. 

If you answered “yes” to all three questions, then it’s time to give her the Boyfriend Experience. 

Seven Ways To Make Her Your Partner 

Build Trust

Virtually all women want to trust their man. She likely won’t become your girlfriend unless she can trust you. Communicate openly, be vulnerable, listen, be consistent in your actions, admit your mistakes, and always tell the truth.

Bring Her Into Your Social Circle

I met my future girlfriend Diana in a bookstore’s self-help section. Like many women of Asian heritage, she’s beautiful, but her bravery and sense of adventure is what wowed me: She’d just moved halfway around the world to start a new career in the U.S.

I wanted her to be my girlfriend, so for our second date, I invited her to sit in with my pub-trivia team, Trivia Newton-John. Why? Because pub trivia is awesome. (Fun fact: Blood donors in Sweden are sent a text when their blood is used.) Also, I wanted her to meet my nerdy friends and get a feel for what being my partner would be like. We were soon dating exclusively.

Introduce your potential girlfriend to your pals, coworkers, or even members of your family. Don’t have much of a social circle? Get on that! If you want to invite a woman into your awesome life, you must have an awesome life into which to invite her.

Do Boyfriend/Girlfriend Stuff

After a few “regular” dates, have her, say, help you pick out new jeans, join you at the gym, or go grocery shopping (followed by you whipping her up a delicious dinner, of course). Bonus: This breaks up the predictable, let’s-do-drinks model of dating and gives her some romantic variety.

“Man Up” to Make Her Feel Safe

Women tend to want to date guys who make them feel safe. This makes sense. Evolution selected men to be protectors. Unlike your Homo sapiens ancestors, you don’t need to spear a saber-tooth tiger to impress your partner. Just do some (nontoxic) manly stuff to give her that sense of safety. Such as... 

Be fit. Women like muscles.

Catch the mouse or relocate the spider.

Start a campfire.

Change her tire.

Drive stick.

Be the one to lock the front door before bed.

Offer her your coat.

Place both hands on either side of her when she leans on a wall.

Assertively state date plans (“We’re doing dinner Friday at eight at that Italian place you like.”)

Carry her to the bedroom.

Oh, and fix stuff around the house. I’m no Bob Vila, but I once changed a date’s light fixture and before I was off the stepladder she was dragging me into her bedroom.

Show Her Your Generous Side

Be a good tipper—women notice that. And letting her know (in an unboastful way) about your charitable pursuits can be powerful, as Richard learned. “Volunteer work is important to me,” he said. “I donate to fight animal cruelty, and I work with the Ronald McDonald House [to help sick children]. I’d mention this to women and they’d turn to putty. Women really do like nice guys.”

Schedule at Least One Date Weekly

The more often you see her, the more it feels like a real relationship.

Pop the Question!

After dating this way for a month or two, it’s time to make your coupledom official. Plan ahead. Make it a moment. Choose the right place and time to “pop the question”—say, during a relaxing day in the park, not in some loud bar.

Be sincere. Speak from the heart. Tell her how much you enjoy her and what she’s added to your life. (Should you use the L-word? Maybe! If you feel it, say it. If you don’t, that can come later.) Say something like, “I’m crazy about you, and the way you [specific thing you love]. I don’t want to date anyone else. I want to be your boyfriend. Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

If she says yes, celebrate, laugh, kiss, and rip each other’s clothes off. (If you’re in a park, wait till you get home for that last part.)

In the event she says no, it will sting. But listen. What are her reasons? Does she need more time? No matter what she says, be proud that you went for it.

The Path To Fulfillment

When I struggled with women and started learning how to date, I thought that having a “rotation” would make me happy. It didn’t—not for long, anyway. I’m cool with dating around for a while, but sex without love and true connection is just candy for the ego. There’s a sugar rush but no real nourishment. 

Dating to gratify your ego won’t fulfill you because it’s all about you. Romantic fulfillment comes from growing with, and giving to, a wonderful partner. 

(excerpts from Dating Sucks But You Don't)

Read more about how to approach women and how to go from dating to relationship in Connell's book Dating Sucks But You Don't. Book a free call with Connell here.


Connell Barrett is an acclaimed dating coach for men who has helped men all over the world find the women of their dreams. He's appeared on The Today Show, Goodmorning America, Access Hollywood, and more. Listen to Connell's podcast on how to get a girlfriend, and book a free discovery call to see how he can help you.

Click here to book your free call with dating coach Connell Barrett

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Dating Openers and Conversation Starters for Guys

Dating coach Connell Barrett gives examples of dating openers and conversation starters for guys.

Dating Openers

Connell, once I’m in a conversation with a woman, I’m good! But it’s that first “approach” that just gets me so shoved in my head. I see cute girls everywhere–at the gym, at the bar, or a party—and I just freeze up. What do I say? And how do I avoid coming across like some kind of creep who’s bothering her?

—Ross D., White Plains, N.Y. 

I feel your pain, Ross. The hardest part for me back in the day wasn’t talking with women. It was confidently knowing what to say to start a good interaction. 

Let’s discuss the art of opening conversations with women. 

Know this: When you open a conversation, it’s not as much what you say as how you say it. You need full commitment. An opener that tanks on Tinder (“Hi, how are you?”) can work great in person (that is, if you fully commit). Why? Because IRL she experiences all of your behavioral cues. 

Your opener does not have to be clever or fancy—just good enough to get her to respond. I’ve begun conversations with openers as simple as these: 

“Hi.”

“You have great style.”

“How’s your night going?”

“I feel awesome today, and I had to share it with you.”

“What book are you reading?”

“Is this the coolest club around here?”

“Whoa, this line is long.”

“I’m sorry for your loss—but this is a really nice funeral.”

OK, that last one was a joke, but not the others.  

When it comes to those opening words, sure, it’s a nice bonus if you’re clever or witty, but it’s just not necessary. Simple and clear is best. 

My client Oscar was having a drink with friends at a Miami lounge when he saw Anastasia, a tall, intelligent pharmaceutical rep. He approached her, they liked each other, and later left the bar together. 

The next day, his impressed (and envious) buddy asked Oscar what he said to Anastasia. What amazing opener did he use on her? Oscar explained, “I just said, ‘Damn, who are you?’ My vibe was, ‘I’m into you. You into me? Cool. Let’s get outta here.’ I’m a man, and she’s a woman. Why would it not be like that?” 

Oscar used what’s called a direct opener. Every opener falls into one of two categories: direct and indirect. 

Direct Dating Openers 

“Going direct” means that your words and/or vibe convey clear romantic interest from the get-go. Here are examples of direct openers: 

Hi, I saw you and had to meet you.

You’re absolutely adorable.

Wow. You’re gorgeous. Who are you?

I’m here to flirt with you.

You’re sexy.


Upside: There’s no chance of the friend zone. Whether or not she’s attracted to you, she’ll know why you’re talking to her. Lots of women love direct men, so it can ignite instant interest, like when I approached Brie. And it can feel freeing to shed weighty expectations and just be real with women from the start.


Downside: It’s a polarizing technique, so plenty of women will reject you right away. If she’s not available or just not in the mood, she’ll hold up a big, fat stop sign. Either sparks will fly or she will—as she walks away.


Quick Tip: Directness is not a license to be vulgar. If you go direct, don’t make it about her body, and don’t say anything about sexual acts. “You’re sexy” is about as blunt as you want to be.

Indirect Openers 

“Going indirect” means that you don’t explicitly state romantic interest upfront. You might make small talk or give her a compliment that’s more friendly than flirty. You don’t hide your intentions; you just don’t lead with them. Here are some indirect openers. 

How’s your night going?

I dig your boots/jacket/style.

Isn’t this song great?

How’s that book you’re reading?

Your hair looks amazing.


Upside: It opens the door to a lot more conversations since you don’t get as many blowouts. This helps you gain experience, build confidence, and talk to more women, which gives you more dating opportunities. In terms of starting interactions, going indirect gives you a much higher batting average.


Downside: Because the context is initially more Friend-to-Friend, some men get stuck in the “friendly guy” mode, which hurts their chances of creating a romantic spark. If you open in this way, you still need to flirt and be M-W fairly soon.


Quick Tip: After you open, within a minute or two, start to pepper the conversation with a flirty comment or two, such as . . .

“Wow, you have a sexy laugh. Anyway . . .”

“What do you do, when you’re not making handsome men flirt with you?”

“No way, you’re into [hobby]? You’re not just pretty. You’re actually cool.”


Which Opening Style Should You Use?


Try both, see what feels most like you, and go with what women enjoy the most.

 

So, She's Talking To You...Now What?

man talking to woman

So, you've used a dating opener, either direct or indirect, and now you're looking to keep the conversation going. It’s simple: Keep the conversation about you and her. (See Chapter 8 from Dating Sucks But You Don't, on great first dates.) 

Now, if you used an indirect opener, you can talk for a bit about the icebreaker topic—say, the book she’s reading or boots she’s wearing. Then change subjects. A simple way to do that is to introduce yourself and shake hands. This lets you bridge to the next topic. 

After a direct opener—such as “I had to meet you”—you have a couple of options. You can literally say whatever enters your mind, like complimenting her hair. Or, you can introduce yourself. 

It’s fine to ask questions, but try to make them open-ended, rather than yes-or-no. And don’t forget Step 2 from my book: Offer Authentic Value. Talk about you. Make statements. Some guys interrogate women while sharing nothing about themselves. That won’t work. 

And Now For The Play-By-Play

Here’s a conversation I had with Nicole, a woman I approached on a cold January day in a grocery store. (My director’s commentary is in parenthesis.) 

ME: Excuse me, miss. You look like the cover of J.Crew’s winter catalog. Super cute. (She was bundled up in a pink scarf and fuzzy white hat. This is a direct opener.) 

NICOLE: [smiling] Oh, hi, thanks. I got the scarf for Christmas. 

ME: Nice. How was your holiday? Get anything good? (That may sound like a boring question, but after a direct opener, you don’t need to do much. Normal, relatable chitchat is better than forcing funny lines.)

NICOLE: My mom gave me a spa treatment and a bunch of gift certificates. 

ME: My dad hates gift cards. He’s such a Scrooge. But I’m the youngest of six, so I always get what I want. (I’ve offered info about me after asking about her. You want a balance.) I’m Connell, by the way. It’s a pleasure. 

NICOLE: I’m Nicole! Nice to meet you. (Always introduce yourself.)

ME: So what do you do? Wait, let me guess. I’m gonna say you work in fashion. (It’s fun to try to guess what a woman’s job is. Games are fun!)

NICOLE: Not even close. I do social media for [company name], but we sometimes work with fashion brands. What do you do? 

ME: I’m a magazine journalist. I write about golf. (I make a golf-swing motion. Using hand gestures can make you appear more charismatic.) 

NICOLE: My dad loves golf! I’m not that into it, but I love to drive the cart. 

ME: Just my luck. Pretty girls like you never play golf. It’s always the dads. (“Pretty girls like you” is another M-W statement. I’ve done more than enough to keep things flirty. We talk about salad for the next two minutes. Then, it’s time to go for a date! I still get nervous at this part, but I just go for it.)

ME: I have to go in a second, but I’m really glad we met. You’re really cool—even though you hate golf. (Just a little tease.) 

NICOLE: It was nice meeting you, too.
ME: It would be nice to meet up when we’re not shopping.
NICOLE: Yes, I’d like that.
ME: How about a drink this week? What night is good for you? (Try to arrange the date during the interaction. Getting it on her calendar right away cuts down on ghosting and flaking because people like to be consistent with their commitments.)

NICOLE: I can do Wednesday or Thursday night?

ME: I’m free Thursday. Let’s do eight. Are you more into cocktail lounges or dive bars?

NICOLE: Hmm. I like both, but I’m down with cocktails.

ME: Okay, I’ll find a good spot and I’ll text you. What’s your number? (I take her number and stay for another minute. Why do I stay? If you bolt right away, she might feel that it was just about getting her number, like it’s a trophy. Hang in for another minute and talk about anything: the weather, spelunking, the Spanish Civil War. Don’t be a phone-number bandit!) Hey, it was great meeting you. I can’t wait till Thursday.

NICOLE: Thanks! You, too. I mean, me too! [laughs]. (She’s nervous and flustered. So dang cute.)

ME: You’re adorable. Bye.

When you get a woman’s number, send her a sweet text message the same day. (No need to wait or “play it cool.”) This solidifies the date, if you made one, and puts a smile on her face. That night I texted her: “Nice meeting you, J. Crew model, aka Nicole . . . I’ll text you deets for Thurs. 😉 —Connell” 

Okay, let’s review this interaction through the lens of the Five Master Steps introduced in my book Dating Sucks But You Don't. Before I met her that day, I had been opening often, which put me in a social, outgoing mood. By opening directly and being me, I offered authentic value, which helped me make a connection right away. I decided to go for it and ask for a date. And in terms of appreciating something great, I was happy with my dating opener—and of course, landing a date. 


Connell Barrett is an NYC dating coach, helping men all over the world find the women of their dreams. His book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to connect with women authentically. Additionally, he hosts a podcast on how to get a girlfriend. He's appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. Book a free intro call with Connell here.

Click here to book your free call with dating coach Connell Barrett

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Top 7 Advanced Techniques On How To Get A Date With A Girl When The Odds Seem Stacked Against You

Dating Coach Connell Barrett reveals his top 7 “advanced ninja dating moves” to help you figure out how to get a date with a girl when the situation seems doomed. This'll help you start thinking about how to turn situations around in your favor.

How To Get A Date With A Girl Who Is Casually Dating Already

Hey, Connell. Your book, “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” helped me so much! I’ve destroyed approach anxiety, and I now have an abundance of dating options—and I’m doing it as the real me. I don’t even bother with cheesy “pickup” tactics. 

My question? I feel I’ve developed to the point where I’d love some more advanced moves. Like, how do you approach groups? What do you do if a girl is into you, and her date shows up? And I’m also interested in sex-positive poly relationships and having a threesome. Got any advanced moves? 

—J.J., 31, New York City

J.J., let me answer your question with a quick story about Katie. 

I saw her in the grocery store. She was holding a yoga mat, and I noticed a pack of Camels peeking from her jean-jacket pocket. I walked up and said, “Wow, you’re a woman of contradictions. The yoga gear says ‘fitness nut,’ but the smokes say ‘emphysema.’ ”

She laughed. “Yeah, I guess I’m sending mixed signals. I’m trying to quit.” 

I said, “You’re just complex, like a sexy Walt Whitman—you contain multitudes.” 

She laughed. “Hi, I’m Katie,” she said, introducing herself first, a sign of interest. But I sensed some awkwardness and was about to learn why: “The thing is, I’m here with a guy I’m kinda dating—and he’s coming over right now.” 

“Oh shit, and I’m hitting on you,” I said with a laugh. “No worries. Just tell him I’m your gay friend. Your GBF—your gay best friend. He’ll be fine.” She giggled and said okay. 

The guy came over and looked at me with suspicion, wearing a forced smile. “Chad, this is Connell—my gay friend,” Katie said. He relaxed. I was no threat, he thought. The three of us chatted, and I learned that Katie was a fitness influencer on Instagram. 

I just needed to find a way to get her number. “Katie, I recently lost all my contacts,” I said. “Can you give me your number again?” She shared her digits, and Chad was none the wiser. 

I left the store and a few blocks later, my phone buzzed. “Very smooth. Nice meeting you, GBF. 

Maybe I can get you to switch teams 😉 Katie.” 

Look, I’m not telling you to steal a guy’s girl in front of him, but I’m not telling you NOT to. (If Katie were truly committed to him, she would have told me to buzz off, and she certainly wouldn’t have texted me.) 

J.J., at this point in your dating journey, it sounds like you have all the pieces in place to enjoy a fulfilling love life as your best, most authentic self. 

Still, it’s good to have some advanced knowledge, because the search for your soul mate can throw surprises your way. Plus, it can be fun to show off. 

Let’s delve into some advanced dating situations, from approaching women while they’re working (baristas, store clerks, etc.), to getting a girl’s number when you barely have time to talk—in an elevator, say, or at a funeral home. 

Kidding! Wait for the reception afterward. 

How To Get Her Number in 60 Seconds 

When you have little time to talk to a girl—you’re late for work or sharing an elevator with an intriguing woman—you have to be direct but disarming. Suggest a sixty-second date. 

It goes like this: “Hi, I know this is random, but you’re absolutely adorable. I have to go in a second, but how about we have a sixty-second date right now to see if we like each other? Up for it?” 

It’s a bold move yet a small ask—just one minute of her time. If she’s single and likes your vibe, she’ll likely say yes. After a minute (or two), get her number for your “second” date.

How To Manage A Ménage 

According to a Kinsey Institute survey, 95 percent of men and 87 percent of women have fantasized about sex with multiple partners. 

But a separate study revealed that just 18 percent of men and 10 percent of women have a hard  time putting it together, like Super Bowl tickets or IKEA furniture.

The secret? You just have to ask the right way.
When I began casually dating Natalia, I decided to roll the three-sided dice. 

One afternoon, I sent her a carefully crafted text: “Hey, you! You can totally say no, but I was thinking . . . I’ve never been with two women, and I’ve always wanted to experience it with the right partner. I think it would be super sensual and amazing to do it with you. Thoughts? Maybe you have a girlfriend in mind? All good either way! Just wanted to ask.” 

I was nervous, but I hit “send.” Then I waited and waited. No reply after several hours. I thought I must have offended her. Damn. 

Not long after midnight, as I was nodding off, my apartment buzzer rang. It was Natalia, showing up unannounced with a bottle of wine and a female friend. It was a threesome-o-gram. 

If you want to have a ménage à trois, bring it up early in the dating process—after the two of you have been intimate, but before you’ve defined the relationship. Frame it as a fun, sexy adventure to experience together. 

Make it an “us” thing, not a “me” thing. It’s amazing what can happen when you ask nicely. 

How To Instantly Escape The Friend Zone

Okay, you’re on a date, and you can feel yourself being too timid, quickly getting swallowed into the quicksand of the friend zone. 

What do you do? Make an ad hominem (Latin for “to the person”) comment. In other words, a “you” statement. Say something positive and flirtatious about her (“You’re adorable…”, “That look in your eyes was R-rated…,” “You’re so sexy when you XYZ . . .”). 

What you say is not that important, as long as it’s something personal about her that sends a flirtatious impulse and snaps you out of your comfort zone. 

How To Approach A Large Group

women sitting together - how to get a date with a girl when she's with a group of friends

If you want to know how to get a date with a girl when she's in a group and you're not sure how to approach her, here are some quick tips. If there are four or fewer women together in a bar or club, address the entire group as a unit: “Hey, you guys look stylish tonight.” If there are five or more, approach the woman who most interests you and then have her introduce you to her friends.

How To Reconnect With A Girl Who Got Away 

Here’s what to text a woman whose number you got a few months prior, but you never followed up with, so the trail has gone cold. It’s the Reconnect Text. 

“I don’t know, [name]. I feel like we’re growing apart. We never make love, or snuggle, or whisper sweet nothings in bed. It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore. Have we lost that lovin’ feeling? [[sad emoji]]” 

She might not even remember you, but this playful salvo invites her to write back. 

A few messages later, you might have your long-overdue first date on your calendar. 

How To Charm The Perfect 10 

Every swan was once an ugly duckling, or at least felt like one. 

When you’re talking to a woman whom most guys would consider a 10, ask her about her nerdy, dorky youth—and share a story or two from your nerdy high school days. 

This is not a tactic to make her feel insecure. On the contrary—thanks to you, she’ll feel even sexier because you’re contrasting her present-day beauty with the pimply, braces-wearing girl she used to be. It also creates a connection. 

When you’re both being real and vulnerable, you’ll stop seeing her as a number and start seeing her as a person. 

How To Turn Your Instagram Into A Date Generator 

If you’re a social guy with a cool lifestyle—into parties, clubbing, and travel— you can use your Instagram account to get dates. 

Bragging about those things in person kills attraction, but posting photos of the “good life” on your IG feed gets women’s attention. It’s the ultimate humblebrag. 

Simply post a few cool FOMO photos weekly. When you meet women, instead of swap- ping phone numbers, trade IG handles. They’ll see your well-curated life and want to become a part of it.

Hopefully, those tips helped you learn how to ask a girl for a date, how to get her number, and more. If you need help, reach out. You can book a free call here.


Connell Barrett is a men's dating coach who helps men all over the world learn how to get a date with women and eventually find their ideal match. He's a renowned dating coach who's been featured on Good Morning America, Access Hollywood, and in publications such as Maxim and Cosmopolitan. He hosts a podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend and his book Dating Sucks But You Don't can be found at major book retailers. Book a call with Connell here.

Click here to book your free call with dating coach Connell Barrett

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What To Say To Women

Dating Coach Connell Barrett reveals the 5 Master Steps to confidently approach women. Learn what to say to women without any creepy “pickup” moves.

What To Say To Women

There’s so much information out there on how to approach women that it gets me stuck in my head. What do I say? What do I not say? Can you help me simplify things? I just want a simple plan that I can put into place to help me meet cool, cute women when I’m out. Help! 

—Andy, 39, Toronto

I hear you, Andy. When it comes to approaching women, there’s a lot of noise out there, but very little wisdom. 

So let me share some game-changing wisdom with you that will make it so much easier for you to know what to say to women, overcome approach anxiety, meets lots of wonderful women, and make sparks fly! 

Get ready to use the 5 Master Steps. 

When you go out to approach, you need a framework that gives you certainty and structure. Your brain craves certainty, but dating is filled with things outside of your control. 

You can’t count on any given woman liking you, but you can count on a system that leads to lots of women liking you over time. Just as top athletes like LeBron James follow a routine to assure success, you need to follow an approaching routine that leads you to romantic connections. 

I teach a framework that I call the Five Master Steps. When you go out, day or night, your primary goal is NOT to get “results.” Your primary goal is to follow the Five Master Steps. 

This helps you focus on the process and keeps you from being creepily results-focused. (A woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s “result.” She wants to be with a guy who’s genuinely enjoying her.) 

Important! When you go out to apply this system, commit to a minimum amount of time—at least thirty minutes, but ideally an hour or more. Treat it like going to the gym. The more time and effort you put in, the better. 

But don’t overdo it, either. Make a one-hour session following the Five Master Steps your sweet spot. 

The 5 Master Steps

1. Open Often 

Talk to lots of women, not waiting too long between interactions. 

2. Offer Authentic Value

Be you. You are enough! Your authentic self is attractive to a LOT of women. 

3. Make a Connection 

It’s about connection, not attraction.

4. Go for It!

A number, a date, a kiss. Go for what you want.

5. Appreciate Something Great

Notice at least one awesome thing about every approach. 

Let’s dig in deeper and go through all of the 5 Master Steps. 

man and woman enjoying each other's company

1: OPEN OFTEN

When you’re out to meet women, make sure you actually meet women! Start LOTS of conversations. Talk to someone new at least every five to ten minutes at night and every fifteen minutes during the day. 

This may sound like a high bar if you’re introverted, like I am. But once you dive in and start, it’s actually easier to talk to, say, a dozen women in a night than to only approach one or two and be shoved in your head the rest of the time. Taking action gets you out of your head and gives you social momentum, unlocking your Higher Self. You become present. Additionally, it helps you learn how to talk to beautiful woman without being intimidated.

In a perfect world, you won’t approach the entire time. You’ll hit it off with a woman you like and hang with her. But if this doesn’t happen at first, don’t sweat it. Stick to the steps and go home feeling incredible for being a man of action who’s getting better with women every day. 

When you follow this first step and open conversations with a lot of girls—I’m talking five to ten in one hour in a busy bar at night—you’ll notice a shift in your psychology. 

What happens is, the fearful part of your brain switches off, and you see true opportunity rather than false danger. This leads to bolder actions and some badass benefits. You enter a fearless flow state that feels like being slightly drunk, yet you’re completely clear-headed. It’s your Higher Self fully activated, and it’s addictive. 

When you “open often” and get into a nice flow state, cool things happen. I dated a woman in L.A. whom I’d met when I approached her at a cocktail party at a W Hotel. After our first night together, we were lying in bed and she said, “I was so impressed the way you came right up to me, even though I was with Mike,” referring to a burly guy friend she had been talking to when I first said hello. The truth is, I barely even noticed Mike—at least, not as a threat. I could only see the upside. 

Again, your Lower Self will try to talk you out of that first approach. Simply decide to take action. You’re more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting. 

2: OFFER AUTHENTIC VALUE

Simply put, be you, and try to make her day/night better than before she met you. Here are three ways to do that. 

• Be Man-to-Woman. Flirt. Let her know you’re interested. That said . . . 

• Be sincere. Not everything has to be a “move.” Quite the opposite. M-W is the pepper in the dish. The main course is your authentic personality. Because (all together now) you are enough. 

• Be fun. Crack jokes. Show your playful side. Dating should be fun, and so should approaching. This will help you a lot, both in terms of enjoying the process and hitting it off with the kinds of women you’re attracted to. 

If you go out, flirt a bit, be sincere, and have fun on your own terms—that’s really all you have to do! It can be that simple. 

Most guys are not their true selves with women, and they’re trying to take rather than give. Not you. You’re that rare guy who approaches her with the intention to give, not to take. You’re at her level. The guy who offers authentic value. 

And when you give to women, women love to give back.

3: MAKE A CONNECTION

When you are thinking of what to say to women keep it at an emotional level. Look for things you have in common and share emotional experiences. A former dating coach of mine gave me a great tip that I still use: “Find out what makes her fascinating.” If a woman feels that you “get” her, she’ll feel more connected to you. 

Lots of guys want her. You’ll be the guy who understands her, and that’s way more powerful. 

4: GO FOR IT!

If you like her, go for what you want—a number, a date, a dance-floor makeout. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Lead things somewhere. It’s about playing to win, rather than playing not to lose. 

One summer afternoon, I was wingmanning for my client Michael, thirty, who was on a park bench talking to a woman he’d just met. I left for a few minutes, and when I got back, she was alone. I found Michael sitting not far away, his shoulders slumped, his face in his hands. 

“What happened?” I asked. 

“I screwed up,” he said. “It was going great, but I chickened out and didn’t ask her out. I just left. I suck!” 

“It’s all good,” I said. “She’s still there. It’s not too late. Let me ask you—if you went back over there, what would you say to her if you knew you couldn’t fail?” “I would tell her that I wimped out because I got scared, but that I’d love to take her out.”
“Perfect,” I said. “There she is. Go!”
He reapproached her. I couldn’t hear the conversation, but I saw her look up, listen, smile, and extend her hand, asking for his phone. Numbers exchanged, date set. 

Your Lower Self will try to talk you out of taking risks. Don’t let it. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Go for it! 

5: APPRECIATE SOMETHING GREAT

After every approach—whether it lasted three seconds or three hours—appreciate at least one great thing about it. A joke you made, a lesson you learned. Or, if you got blown out, see something funny in it. 

Approaching success is largely about managing your emotions, and Step 5 keeps you focused on the positive and empowering rather than on judging yourself. What you focus on is what you will feel, so focus on something empowering. 

Do. Not. Skip. This. Step. If you do, you’ll turn into Judge Judy, finding every flaw, real or imagined, in your interactions. I know. I did that for years. Remember: Every approach is a win. No self-judgment allowed. 

These are the Five Master Steps. This tested system assures that you’ll meet lots of women as the real you. If you apply it, it’s hard not to hit it off with some wonderful women. 

Dating coach for guys, Connell Barrett, helps men all over the world find the women of their dreams by connecting authentically. Connell is a trusted dating coach appearing on shows including The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and Good Morning America to name a few. His book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to break into the dating scene successfully with authenticity. Get the book here. Listen to his podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend here. Book a free discovery call with Connell here.

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How To Appear Confident And Attractive When You Approach A Woman

Dating Coach Connell Barrett on the 5 secrets for steely confidence, so you can learn how to appear confident and attractive as you approach women and attract a great girlfriend 

How to Appear Confident and Attractive to Get the Girl

Connell, it’s so hard for me to approach women. I can be so confident around my friends, but when I see a cute girl I want to meet, I become a puddle of nerves. How do I fix this? 

—Roger, 34, Portland, Ore.

Roger, let me answer you with a thought experiment, in two scenarios. 

No. 1: You’re in your favorite coffee shop, and you see an attractive woman. Your only goal? Walk over and ask her for the time. As you go up to her, how comfortable and confident would you feel, on a scale of 1-10?

No. 2: Same coffee shop, same woman. Except now your mission is different: “Approach” her, use a clever opener, be charismatic, spark attraction, and get her digits for a date. If this was your goal, using the same 1-10 scale, what’s your confidence level?

Odds are, when you compare the two numbers, in the first scenario your confidence lands in the 7-10 range, while in the second it nosedives to about 1-4. (“Put me down for minus-100,” one client told me.) 

Now, both situations involve identical actions: You walking up to an attractive female stranger and talking. But one context gives you confidence, and the other makes you anxious, perhaps petrified. 

Why the disparity? It’s all in the mind—specifically, the stories you tell yourself based on your beliefs. 

You likely imbue the two situations with very different meanings. Asking a stranger for the time carries no risk to your ego. Your self-worth is not on the line. 

But “hitting on her” has high stakes. In this story, success means that you’ll feel attractive and land a date with a beauty who might be The One. Yet if you approach and fail, you may feel humiliated, rejected, creepy, and learn that the worst is true: Women just aren’t into you.  

This second interpretation—“Failure means I’m not enough”—triggers fear and anxiety. It turns talking to a woman into an existential reckoning on your worth as a man. 

It’s these stories, these beliefs, that govern your actions and emotions and determine your dating destiny. 

So keep reading, to learn how to build a bullet-proof confidence, so that anxiety-inducing actions like approaching or moving in for the first kiss become almost as easy as asking for the time. You’ll also learn the 5 Beliefs that Assure Success, while destroying the limiting belief that most holds you back. 

Look in the Mirror

In my 20s, I worked as a waiter at a steakhouse. I had a huge crush on Tina, a smart, sassy, doe-eyed waitress. One night, I was leaning against the break-room wall and sucking on a cherry lollipop when Tina walked up to me, pulled the sucker from my mouth and slowly put it in hers. “Yum,” she cooed, holding eye contact. 

Every atom in my body was aroused, but despite her bold, flirtatious move, it never occurred to me that she liked me, so I didn’t ask her out or flirt back. I was CERTAIN that I wasn’t attractive to women, so I figured she just wanted my lollipop. I had no idea she, ahem, “wanted my lollipop.” 

A limiting belief about your attractiveness can blind you to opportunities, and stop you from taking the actions that create connections with women.   

This leads me to some bad news and some good news. 

The bad news: If things aren’t working in your romantic life, it’s on you. 

Everything you love, hate, feel, fear, think, believe—it all shows up in your interactions with women, for better or worse. Your dating life is a mirror that reflects what’s happening inside you. It comes through in your voice, words, eye contact, actions, emotions. Take me and Tina. It wasn’t that I was afraid to ask her out; asking her out never entered my mind because I was sure that women like her didn’t want me. 

The quality of your love life correlates to the quality of your mindset. 

Saying that your dating struggles are “on you” may sound harsh, but it’s actually excellent news! You can’t change the externals—women, society, Tinder’s algorithm. But you can change your mindset, which will change your emotions, actions, and outcomes. 

To be clear, there’s nothing broken in you. You don’t need fixing. But you do need to fix your mindset.

The Power of Beliefs

contemplative man in front of screen - the power of beliefs

What’s a belief? It’s a feeling of absolute certainty about what something means—a story you repeatedly tell yourself. Many beliefs are true and empowering (“Mom loves me”; “hard work pays off”), while others are false but fairly harmless. (“I’ll have one more beer”; “That Bruce Willis can really act!”) 

Then there are limiting beliefs—disempowering feelings that are either totally or partially false but that constrain you, damaging the quality of your life. In dating, a limiting belief can keep you from taking the right action, and also hurt your results when you do take action. And they can crush your confidence.

For example, a guy might believe, “I’m not good-looking enough to date beautiful women,” even though he’s never even tried. Therefore, he doesn’t pursue the women he’s attracted to, effectively turning a made-up story into a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Here are some common limiting beliefs: 

When you replace a limiting belief with a new, empowering, and TRUE belief, it changes how you feel, makes dating fun, and propels you toward what I call an Amazing Outcome—a dating life of confidence and connection.

The most destructive disempowering dating belief? It’s some version of “I’m not enough.” Not tall enough or handsome enough or charismatic enough for the kind of woman you want to date. And getting so-called “proof” that you’re not enough—a woman ghosts you or friend-zones you or turns down your approach—can make you feel like less of a man. 

But when you destroy the beliefs that hold you back, you’re free to take new actions—even if those limitations seem, well, truly limiting. 

A decade ago, I was in London on a sunny Sunday afternoon, taking a dating boot camp as a student. I’d spent two hours approaching women in Trafalgar Square. At the time, I was still battling the doubts that triggered anxiety: “What if I’m not good-looking enough? What if I’m too introverted?” In other words, “What if I’m not enough?”

My coach was offering some pointers when he spotted a past client of his in mid-approach. “There’s Alex,” my coach said. “Looks like he’s doing great.” 

I turned to see a tall, slender brunette woman wearing aviator shades, a form-fitting trench coat, and a wide smile. Alex looked relaxed. At one point, she laughed and threw her hair back. 

I couldn’t hear their words, but she was clearly loving him. The look on her face said, “Damn, you’re confident.” It didn’t matter to her that Alex was in a wheelchair. He was all smiles and smoothness, bound to his chair but not to his limitations. 

The 5 Beliefs That Assure Success

I want to share five powerful beliefs that, if applied, will make great dating results a veritable lock for you. Follow these North stars. Here they are. 

1: YOU ARE ENOUGH 

When I was a junior in college, I wrote a weekly humor column for the campus newspaper. It was a popular feature, but I was painfully insecure about my writing. 

One day, a fan letter from a journalism professor appeared in my mailbox. “You may not know how good you are,” Professor Hale said of my writing, before telling me about the promising career that awaited me. That letter, that sentence, was a booster shot of confidence that I badly needed.  

You may not know how good YOU are. If you wonder whether or not you’re enough to date wonderful women and get a great girlfriend, you absolutely are—in ways great and small. Buy into this. Because when you believe it, everything shifts. 

2: WHEN YOU FOCUS ON AN AMAZING OUTCOME, YOUR MIND MAKES IT HAPPEN   

Accept the truth that a great partner WILL be in your life. It’s a done deal—a when, not an if. This is about focusing on what you want, rather than what you fear. Anxiety and inaction come from playing a horror movie in your mind. 

So play a different flick, one that shows you a compelling outcome. 

I’m not talking about a ruthless fixation on success. Don’t go all J.K. Simmons in “Whiplash” on yourself. Simply soak in the certitude that an incredible love life awaits. It will happen.

This is not woo-woo, “law of attraction” mumbo jumbo. It’s practical psychology. When you commit to a compelling goal, your subconscious says, “Let’s do this!” And to keep you honest, your brain does a dickishly-cool thing: It gives you stress if your actions don’t align with your goal. To avoid this pain, you act in accordance with your desires, and your mind eliminates many of the shitty thoughts and behaviors that hold you back. 

Also, this kind of fierce focus helps you perform at a higher level. This is what great athletes do. In his prime, on his way to winning 15 majors, Tiger Woods would stand on the tee and picture the blade of grass on which his ball would land some 350 yards away. By focusing on where he was going, he worried less about sand traps and lakes. This relaxed him, facilitating his best play.  

See and feel your outcome—the confidence, the romantic connection—and your psychology will find a way.  

3: RITUALS EQUAL RESULTS  

Love handles or washboard abs? Being dead broke or Richie Rich wealthy? Unlucky in love or honeymooning in Hawaii? 

Our progress, or lack thereof, comes from our rituals, the actions we take consistently. Daily action will propel you toward the romantic fulfillment you desire. 

You can visualize and meditate and get your kumbayayas out all day long, but if you don’t take consistent, ritualized action, your chance of failure is high. Vision boards and goals scribbled on paper—it’s all dead wood without the discipline to act. 

But don’t think you need to improve in leaps and bounds right away. Yes, you can have big breakthroughs, but don’t underestimate the power of steady, incremental improvement. 

4: FEAR IS YOUR FRIEND, NOT YOUR FOE

With apologies to FDR, the only thing we have to fear is ignoring fear itself. Fear is a friend, a powerful force to harness, a call to action. 

If you’re afraid to approach that girl or go for the first-date kiss, that’s fear telling you exactly what you SHOULD do. 

Your love life is like a boat, and fear is the ocean wind. You can use those gusts to reach your destination, or do nothing and be lost at sea. As Tony Robbins said at a seminar, “You can’t control the wind, but you can control the sails.” 

If you do one scary but necessary thing every day, you’ll see incredible results faster than you ever thought possible. 

5: FAILURE IS THE SECRET TO RESULTS

Thomas Edison failed to invent the lightbulb hundreds of times. Abraham Lincoln failed to win almost every election he entered, until 1860. J.K. Rowling failed to sell her first Harry Potter manuscript 22 times.

So-called “failure” is part of the path to achievement. The secret: Fail big and often. Then fail again and again and again… 

Until you succeed. 

As you can see, the secret of how to appear confident and attractive to women is by looking within. You have everything it takes to succeed. You just need to allow yourself to do so. I know, I know, easier said than done. If you need help with how to be confident around beautiful women, book a free call with me.

Connell Barrett is an acclaimed dating coach for men who has helped men all over the world attract the women of their dreams. He's appeared on Goodmorning America, Access Hollywood, and The Today Show to name a few. His podcast on how to get a girlfriend and book Dating Sucks But You Don't provide dating tips to help men succeed while being their authentic selves.

Click here to book your free call with dating coach Connell Barrett

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How to Compliment a Girl

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on how to compliment a girl, why your looks just don’t matter, and a simple tip to confidently approach women.

How to Compliment a Girl

Connell, I really need to know how to compliment a girl. I know from your book that it’s important to create a “man-to-woman” frame when you’re talking to a woman, but every time I want to compliment someone, I worry that I’ll come across as needy or overeager. When it comes to learning how to compliment a girl, what’s the right way?

—Jason, 40, Tampa, Fla.

Ah, how to compliment a girl? It’s one of life’s age-old questions, right up there with, “Is there life after death?” and “Why the HELL did Game of Thrones’ final season suck so bad?”

Fear not, Jason. It’s actually very simple to compliment a girl, whether you’re on a date, chatting in a social environment, or just texting back and forth on a dating app.

A fantastic way to do it is to pay her a Power Compliment. It should be three things: sincere, specific, and not about her physical attributes.

 

Does she have a cool tattoo? Stylish leather boots? An awesome Springsteen T-shirt? Tell her what you noticed and why you’re impressed. (“I love Bruce, too. He was my first concert.”) 


There’s nothing wrong with appreciating a woman’s physical beauty, but women want to be appreciated for what’s inside. Let her know an inner quality that you like about her. Are you impressed by her smarts, wits, sense of humor, or caring heart? Tell her.

Lots of guys have told her how beautiful she is on the outside. Be that rare man who also sees the beauty within. 


That’s how to compliment a girl, in a way that she’ll love.

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WHY YOUR LOOKS DON’T MATTER

Woman with man on park bench

I’ll be blunt. I’m not a good-looking guy. I have a big nose, and also some scarring on my neck from an accident from childhood. And my looks really hurt me in the confidence department. I almost never talk to women, I haven’t had a girlfriend in years, and I don’t bother with online dating. I figure, “What’s the point? It’s all about being great-looking.” But I’m so lonely and low in confidence. Can you give me any tips? Or just some hope?

—Michael, 37, Nashville

Michael, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. I used to think I just didn’t have the looks or washboard abs that women want.

But the truth is your looks are way, way overrated, when it comes to dating success, and attracting a great girlfriend.

That’s right—your looks don’t matter.

Hey, if you’re a guy who has chiseled, Hemsworthian features, good on you. But take it from a fellow who’s dated some beautiful women despite resembling a Weasley brother: Your looks don’t matter all that much—unless you make them matter.

If you stop and think, you’ll find that the old Joe Jackson song “Is She Really Going Out with Him?” rings true. How often have you seen a head-turning woman with a regular-looking guy? Lots, I’ll bet. There are many high-profile examples, too, from past and present. Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. Pete Davidson and Half of Hollywood.

I used to buy into the whole “looks matter” myth, which is partially why I married a woman I wasn’t in love with. I wanted to be single and date around, but I felt I wasn’t attractive enough to do that, so I settled. And she rightly dumped me nine weeks later.

When I started hiring coaches and getting some good wingmen, I met tons of not-hot guys—chubby, scrawny, short—who were attracting sexy women.

The first time I saw a “regular” guy getting rock-star results, I almost rubbed my eyes and questioned reality. Owen Cook was an old-school pickup artist whom I’d read about in The Game. (He’s left behind pickup artistry to focus solely on self-development.)

A five-foot-eight, balding fellow-ginger, he’s hardly male-model material. But he understands that attraction is about giving women good emotions, not about a guy’s looks. Early in my dating education, I took his boot camp in San Diego. At one club, I watched Cook make out with three different women he had just met—all of them SoCal stunners, all in under ninety minutes.

While nowhere near his level at the time, I landed a fistful of phone numbers that weekend, as well as my first instant make-out, which is when you boldly walk up to a woman and, if you read the signals, start kissing in seconds. That weekend taught me that it’s not about looks.

But as men, we get hung up on this myth for a couple reasons. First, it’s societal conditioning. We’re told that good looks are paramount in dating.

Also, we tend to value physical beauty in women more than women value it in us. Why? Men are very visual—we love a pretty face and an attractive figure.

There’s also the ego factor. Nothing puffs out your chest like hearing an envious buddy say, “Dude, your girlfriend’s hot!” Because men prioritize looks, we project our preferences onto the opposite sex and assume that women see us the same way. If you’d love to date a model-caliber woman, you might assume that those women want runway-ready guys.

Now, the typical woman would be happy to have a handsome man in her life, sure—but looks are way down on her “must” list. In one poll of 64,000 women, respondents were asked what traits they want most in a male partner, and physical attractiveness didn’t even crack the top ten.

So what’s your move? Play to your strengths!

Focusing on what you think you lack will only hurt your confidence. Play to your strengths, such as your intelligence, wit, or sense of humor.

If you make a woman laugh in a flirtatious way, she’ll find you as sexy as Brad Pitt, even if you look more like Brad Garrett.

My client Jeremy had been dateless for two years before he hired me. A restaurant worker who loves Will Ferrell movies, Jeremy is no pretty boy, as he readily admits. “I look like John C. Reilly’s uglier brother,” he told me during our first meeting.

His focus on looks blinded him to his witty, weird sense of humor, which, when he harnessed it, changed his love life. He realized he could simply approach, crack a few jokes, and girls started to dig him. One day he sent me this email:

“Connell, my mind is blown! At lunch today, I approached a pro-football cheerleader. I just chatted her up at the salad bar. Had her laughing and loving me. Phone number . . . from a cheer-babe! I feel incredible.”

Looks only matter if you let them.

APPROACH WITH CHARM, NOT SMARM

Woman impressed with guy - how to compliment a girl

At least 10 times this week I’ve seen cute girls at my gym, but I just can’t seem to approach them. The same happens when I go out at night, especially when I see a woman who’s in a group. I just feel like they’re gonna think I’m a creep, if I go up to them. How can I get the courage up to break the ice with women, because every time that I wimp out, I just feel like such a loser.

—Gary, 41, Indianapolis

You might think that it’s creepy to approach women, but in reality, it’s creepy NOT to.

Assuming, of course, that you put your best, most authentic self out there.

Here’s a quick story. When I started learning how to attract women, I was at a trendy hotel lounge in New York City one night. My wingman challenged me to approach a table where a cute brunette and her blond friend sat with a muscular guy.

At that point, I was still nervous about talking to women, let alone dealing with a potentially pissed-off boyfriend. And this guy was huge, like a bottle of Muscle Milk made corporeal. But I summoned the courage, walked over, grabbed an empty chair, and offered a warm hello.

The brunette’s eyes widened and she leaned forward. “Oh my God! You came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are?” I thought, Umm, a creep who’s about to get his butt kicked? “You’re normal!”

She tilted her head toward a fellow sitting a couple tables away. “That guy’s been staring at us all night, and it’s creeping us out!” Oh, and the hulking dude I was worried about? Super friendly. I traded numbers with the brunette, who was as charming as she was pretty.

Most men don’t approach women, often from a fear of appearing creepy. But there’s nothing creepy about approaching.

What feels creepy to women is when a guy wants to approach, yet does nothing except stare.

Think about it: You’re a man, and men (mostly) are attracted to women. There’s nothing creepy about an authentic approach, as long as you have good intentions, and are empathetic to how the woman you just approached is feeling.

My advice? Follow the Three-Second Rule

When you’re in a social environment and you see a woman you’d love to meet, approach her immediately. Begin walking toward her within three seconds of spotting her. If you delay for too long, your Lower Self will talk you out of it, filling you with doubt.

The longer you wait, the heavier the weight.

Three, two, one . . . go!


Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach helping men all over the world attract the women of their dreams. Connell's book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to approach women and how to talk to girls in an authentic way. Connell has appeared on The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. Book a meeting with Connell or purchase his book here.

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How to Approach Women.... and Get Dates Today!

Learn how to approach women: Dating coach Connell Barrett shares 20 tips to confidently approach women and get dates.

Get ready, because I’m about to give you the approach opener that works 89% of the time! (Yep, I’ve tested it.)

But first, I’m gonna read your mind. Here goes.

I’ll bet that you often see attractive women you’d love to meet—at the gym, in bars, or maybe at the grocery store. And you’d love to confidently approach them and get dates, right?

But something holds you back, and you rarely (if ever) approach. You’re not sure what to say, and you don’t want to come across as creepy. So you feel stuck.

I get it. I used to have the same problem.

It’s frustrating to see attractive women and not know how to approach them. It can hurt your confidence, and lead to a lonely, disappointing dating life.

So, let’s fix this… today! Let’s get you confidently meeting amazing women, and getting numbers and dates.

In this column, I’m gonna share 20 of my best tips to teach you how to approach women, and do it with charm and confidence.

Oh, make sure you read Tip No. 16—the “approach opener” that works 90% of the time!

These 20 tips are from my Amazon bestselling book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, a step-by-step roadmap to confidently approach and attract women.

As I write in my book, “Approaching is about more than just getting the girl. It’s about freedom. To be able to walk up to a woman and genuinely connect is liberating.”

Until you can confidently walk up to a woman and flirt as your authentic self, there’s room to grow.

You’re about to learn how to approach women, so that you can stop feeling anxiety, and start confidently getting dates with attractive women you meet at the gym, grocery store, bar, or coffee shop.

So let’s do it! Let’s learn how to approach women, and get results. Here are my top 20 tips!

How to Approach Women and Get Dates

TIP NO. 1: YES, WOMEN WANT YOU TO APPROACH

You might think that beautiful women don’t want men to approach them, but in fact they’re dying for a solid, authentic man to take that romantic risk… IF he does it with charm, and not like some “pickup” weirdo.

Attractive women get constant attention from men, but usually in the form of leers, wolf whistles, and come-ons from pickup-artist creeps.

Know this: Women don’t want EVERY man to approach them, but they’re dying for a MAN to approach them – a good-hearted, charming gentleman like you. Buy into this! (Take it from me, a guy who’s approached thousands of women.)

TIP NO. 2: ASSUME ATTRACTION

I urge you to believe in advance that a given approach will go well. It’s a Jedi mind trick that’s called “assuming attraction.”

When you walk up to her, assume that a woman will be into you. This positive expectation makes you stand taller and talk louder, often creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Women can sense that worthiness, that belief, and they like it.

When you assume attraction, you get attraction. When you assume rejection, you get rejection.

TIP NO. 3: EMBRACE “REJECTION”

Good technique is important but overrated. What you really need is to learn how to get “rejected,” but elegantly. Get rejected and laugh it off. Get rejected and feel good for trying.

Don’t take it personally, or else you might end up with more pain and fear than you started with.

There are no quick fixes in the area of approaching. Magic bullets only exist in werewolf movies.

But destroying your fear of rejection is the closest thing you’ll get to an approaching panacea because when that fear disappears, you become free to take action with confidence. And women love confident guys.

TIP NO. 4: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN—THE UPSIDES 

Link tons of pleasure to approaching, and very little pain.

Right now, you probably link more pain than pleasure to approaching, and that’s what causes “approach anxiety.”

But once you link mostly pleasure, and you see those gorgeous women, your brain will quickly run down the upsides and downsides of approaching, and it will look something like this:

Upsides to Knowing How to Approach Women: 

Downsides to Knowing How to Approach Women:

[*cricket noises*]

Link a LOT more pleasure to approaching, and you’ll start getting a LOT more dates.  

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TIP NO. 5: THE NEW WAY TO LOOK AT “APPROACHING”

Every approach is a 10 out of 10, because you either “get the girl” (win!) or you put another brick in your cathedral of your character (win!).

TIP NO. 6: OBEY THE RULE OF ONE IN THREE

There’s a concept called the Rule of One in Three. When you’re Radically Authentic with women, you naturally become polarizing.

I don’t mean in an intentionally dickish way. You just express yourself in a more raw and real style, which many people will love and some won’t. But that’s the point. You don’t want to be kinda liked by most women. You want to be loved by a subset of women.

When you get good at approaching from a truly authentic place, about one out of three girls will be very into you, and two out of three won’t be interested at all, at least in a romantic way. At this point, you’ll get three kinds of reactions:

Be liberated by this! You can brush off the brush-offs. They’re part of the path to finding the women you have chemistry with.

TIP NO. 7: BE AUTHENTIC AND POLARIZING

As I mention in my book DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, when I first began approaching, I was watering down my personality, being too safe. Lots of women thought I was pleasant and nice, but none wanted to take me home.

Once I grew bolder and more authentic, I started to experience the Rule of One in Three— sometimes in a single moment.

One night, I boldly walked up to three women who were standing at the bar. 

ME: [with confident vocal tonality] “You guys are adorable. I had to meet you. Are you friendly?”

GIRL ON LEFT: “Hey, yeah, we’re friendly.”

GIRL ON RIGHT: “I am NOT friendly.”

GIRL IN MIDDLE: You are cute!”

And I got the middle girl’s number, thanks to the Rule of One in Three.

TIP NO. 8: BEWARE OF EXCUSES

I can’t stress this enough: Approaching will feel extremely scary to you at first, and you will try to talk yourself out of it. You’ll see that Jessica Alba lookalike at the bar, walk toward her with the perfect opening line on your tongue, and at the last moment you’ll tell yourself, “Gosh, I really need to go do my taxes.”

That’s your Lower Self pouring poison in your ear. Do not listen.

I’m not trying to psych you out. I just want you to be ready when your brain manufactures a “good” excuse not to talk to that Wow Girl. Be ready and chat her up anyway.

TIP NO. 9: OFFER AUTHENTIC VALUE


Simply put, be you, and try to make her day/night better than before she met you.

Be sincere and authentic. Crack jokes. Show your playful side. As I said in Ask Men, women want a fun, emotional vibe from men—not a logical energy.

TIP NO. 10: WHAT MAKES HER FASCINATING?

When talking with her, look for things you have in common and share emotional experiences. A former dating coach of mine gave me a great tip that I still use: “Find out what makes her fascinating.” If a woman feels that you “get” her, she’ll feel more connected to you.

Lots of guys want her. You’ll be the guy who understands her, and that’s way more powerful.

TIP NO. 11: GO FOR IT!


If you like her, go for what you want—a number, a date, a dance-floor make-out. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Lead things somewhere. It’s about playing to win, rather than playing not to lose.

One summer afternoon, I was wingmanning for my client, Michael, 30, who was on a park bench talking to a woman he’d just met. I left for a few minutes, and when I got back, she was alone. I found Michael sitting not far away, his shoulders slumped, his face in his hands.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I screwed up,” he said. “I chickened out and didn’t ask her out. I just left. I suck!”

“It’s all good,” I said. “She’s still there. It’s not too late. Let me ask you—if you went back over there, what would you say to her if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

He said, “I would tell her that I wimped out because I got scared, but that I’d love to take her out.”


“Perfect,” I said. “There she is. Go!”


He re-approached her, and got her number, date set.

Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Go for it!

TIP NO. 12: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN: THE ART OF OPENING

Your opener does not have to be clever or fancy—just good enough to get her to respond. I’ve begun conversations with openers as simple as these:

Being clever or funny is a nice bonus, but it’s just not necessary. Simple and clear is best.

My client Oscar was having a drink with friends at a Miami lounge when he saw Anastasia, a tall, intelligent pharmaceutical rep. He approached her, they liked each other, and later left the bar together.

His opener was a simple, “Damn, who are you?”

TIP NO. 13: TRY DIRECT OPENERS

Oscar used a “direct opener,” which means that your words and/or vibe convey clear romantic interest from the get-go. Here are examples of direct openers.

Upside to being direct: There’s no chance of the friend zone. Whether or not she’s attracted to you, she’ll know why you’re talking to her.

TIP NO. 14: BEING DIRECT DOES NOT MEAN BE VULGAR

If you open in a direct way, don’t make it about her body, and don’t say anything about sexual acts. “You’re sexy” is about as blunt as you want to be. 


TIP NO. 15: BE INDIRECT

“Going indirect” means that you don’t explicitly state romantic interest up front. You might make small talk or give her a friendly compliment. You don’t hide your intentions; you just don’t lead with them. Here are some indirect openers.

Upside to being indirect: It opens the door to a lot more conversations since you don’t get as many blowouts. This helps you gain experience, build confidence, and talk to more women, which gives you more dating opportunities.  

TIP NO. 16: USE THE “COMPLIMENT + QUESTION” OPENER

Here’s my favorite way to approach a woman. It gets a good response and starts a conversation 89% of the time, in research I’ve done with my clients.

And you can use it anywhere, from the gym to the grocery store to the bar on Saturday night.

Give her a power compliment—that’s NOT about her looks—and follow up with a “why” question.

Notice something about her that you like—say, her leather skirt, her tattoo, her pink Chuck Taylors, or confident vibe. And compliment her on that thing. And then ask her a “why” question.

The follow-up question is key, otherwise she may merely thank you for the compliment and go on her way. A “why” question leads to a conversation, which can lead to a phone number and a date.  

Example: You’re at Starbucks on a Saturday afternoon, and standing next to you is a brunette beauty waiting on her chai latte.

Ask yourself, “What do I like or notice about her?” (Umm, besides her curves.) Answer: She has a tattoo of the Eiffel Tower on her wrist. Compliment her on the tatt, and ask her a “why” question about it.

It would go something like this: “Excuse me, miss. I really like your tattoo. Very cool design.” She’ll say thanks. “I’m curious,” you continue. “Why did you choose that design?”

She may reply with something like, “Well, I went to Paris last summer, and the trip changed my life!” Boom! You’re off and running.

“Why” questions are better than “yes/no” questions because they make people dig deeper for the answer, which leads to a more engaging conversation.

The “Compliments + Question” opener works just about anywhere, from quiet cafes to loud bars. Give it a try.

TIP NO. 17 SHOW CLEAR ROMANTIC INTEREST

After you open in an indirect way, within a minute or two, start to pepper the conversation with a flirty comment or two, such as  “Wow, you have a sexy laugh. Anyway . . .” 
or “What do you do, when you’re not making handsome 
men flirt with you?” 


TIP NO. 18: SHE’S TALKING TO YOU . . . NOW WHAT?  

It’s simple: Keep the conversation about you and her. 

Now, if you used an indirect opener, you can talk for a bit about the icebreaker topic—say, the book she’s reading or boots she’s wearing. Then change subjects. A simple way to do that is to introduce yourself and shake hands. This lets you bridge to the next topic.

TIP NO. 19: ANSWER YOUR OWN QUESTIONS

Beware of “interview mode,” where you pummel a woman with questions, and offer little about yourself.

A simple way to fix this is to answer some of your own question, especially if she’s not asking you many questions.

You: “What do you do?”

Her: “I’m a nurse at XYZ hospital.”

You, answering your own question: “Oh, cool. I’m a software engineer at XYZ company…”

It’s totally normal to ask questions. It shows interest. Just beware of interview mode.

TIP NO. 20: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN? GET COACHING!

If you want to get great at approaching women, here’s one more tip: Book a free call with me right now. Simply grab a time that works for you, and you and I can hop on the phone. Just go to this link:

www.datingtransformation.com/contact

If we’re a good fit to work together, I will personally teach you my latest, greatest tips on how to approach women, so that you can attract an amazing girlfriend.

Book a free call today! Click here.

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How to Talk to Girls: 23 Ways to Attract Your Ideal Girlfriend

Dating coach Connell Barrett shares 23 tips to teach you how to talk to girls… and never run out of things to say.

I’m about to give you the blueprint to teach you how to talk to girls, and start creating sparks—on dates, when you text, and when you approach. It’s the most popular chapter in my book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, and I’m gonna give you some of the best stuff here, for free.

But first, a quick story about my client Trevor. 

As he sat in the candlelit wine bar waiting for Becca to arrive, Trevor could feel his nerves churn. It was their first date, and he was excited to meet the successful chef he’d matched with on Bumble.

She wasn’t just a beautiful brunette; she was quick and witty.

But Trevor had been struggling with women. He never knew what to say or how to flirt on dates. Girl after girl sent him the same message: “You seem great, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection.”

“I’m lost,” Trevor confessed to me in our first conversation. “I don’t know how to talk to girls, and it’s so frustrating.”

This night would be different, though, because Trevor had learned the secret that I had taught him about how to talk to girls.

He had honed what I call Man-to-Woman Communication—a turbocharged form of flirting that amplifies romantic connection, and helps you to always know what to say.

Becca walked in and found Trevor to be warm and roguish, while he was impressed by her easy confidence.

He gently teased her for running a few minutes late (“You owe me a drink for every minute you were late”), and she laughed.

He was playful, authentic, and teased her a few times. When Becca looked at his button-down shirt, he pretended to be offended. “My eyes are up here,” he said with a sly grin. “Please stop objectifying me.” She giggled and punched his arm.

They bonded over their passions for cooking and yoga. During their second drink, Trevor took her hand and intertwined their fingers, and Becca tossed her leg over his.

He moved closer and whispered his authentic thoughts into her ear: “You’re even cooler than I was hoping.”

Minutes later, they were kissing, with half the bar shooting them “Get a room” glances.

Before they left, Becca suggested their next get-together—a private couple’s massage at her favorite spa. Not a bad second date.

Walking home, Trevor felt a heady buzz of romance, Belgian beer, and freedom. He had finally figured out how to talk to girls, and create those romantic sparks.

Just like Trevor, you can learn to consistently ignite that romantic connection with women using Man-to-Woman Communication—the breezy, flirty frequency that helps you always know what to say, both IRL and when texting.  

You see, most men talk to women on a safe, Friend-to-Friend frequency. That stifles chemistry, and leads to the dreaded Friend Zone.

But when you switch over to the Man-to-Woman wavelength, it’s a one-way ticket to romantic connection.

So if you’ve ever felt, “I want to know how to talk to girls,” read on. Here are 23 ways…

And make sure you try out no. 7, which is my personal favorite!

How To Talk To Girls in 23 Ways

man and woman on date - how to talk to girls
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Get this Book & Attract Your Dream Girlfriend

TIP NO. 1: SHOW CLEAR INTEREST

Other than “Be Radically Authentic,” which is my dating mantra, the first rule is to show clear interest.

It can be as simple as saying, “Let’s go on a date,” rather than “Let’s hang out.” On the date, don’t hide your feelings. Tell her or show her that you think she’s sexy or cool.

Clarity helps you set the M-W frame, and helps unlock your flirty self.

TIP NO. 2: BE THE BUYER, NOT THE SELLER

Men often try to “sell” themselves to women they’ve just met, which can come across as desperate. It’s better to adopt a buyer-seller vibe, with you as the buyer.

If you’re at a Best Buy shopping for a new TV, you don’t try to convince the sales- man that a certain model is right for you, and you don’t try to impress him. First you see if the TV is what you’re looking for.

In the same respect, find out if a woman meets your standards. This keeps you from appearing overly eager. Be the buyer.

TIP NO. 3: SPEAK YOUR AUTHENTIC THOUGHTS… EVEN WHEN IT’S SCARY!

We’re all searching for truth and realness, so get in the habit of sharing scary but honest feelings with women— as long as it’s not vulgar or negative, of course.

This emotional nakedness can be powerful, and by going first, you free your date to do the same. Such phrases often start out like this:

“You know what I like about you . . .” 


“Here’s what scares me the most . . .” 


“I want to share something with you, but I’m not sure if I should . . .”

TIP NO. 4: TALK THE TALK

Learning how to talk to girls isn’t just about the words you use. The way you use your voice conveys your confidence level, so cultivate a rich, resonant tonality.

Record conversations with a friend and listen to your voice for flaws such as “uptalking” (when statements sound like questions) and excessive ums and uhs.

When speaking to someone, imagine another person is directly behind them and talk loud enough that both of them can hear you. This will help you project your voice, since chances are your voice shuts down a little when speaking to a woman you find attractive.

TIP NO. 5: BE PHYSICALLY EXPRESSIVE

You can “talk” with your body and physicality. Physical expressiveness is a simple, powerful way to create a M-W vibe.

You can high-five, hold her hand, tap her arm, touch her thigh, whisper in her ear, or brush the hair from her eyes, among other ways—assuming, of course, that she’s made it clear that she’s comfortable with this, is enjoying it, and also reciprocates.

We’re humans. We touch. You want to be physically expressive in a way that makes her feel safe and comfortable.

TIP NO. 6: TEASE HER

Light, playful teasing can amplify attraction. So if you’re a natural ballbuster, like I am, tease her a bit and see if she responds well. Avoid areas that could bring offense, like her appearance, family, job, or pets. (I once called a woman’s dog a “little rat,” and she almost got up and left.) Stick to less touchy topics like her taste in movies, TV shows, or music.

For a lot more on how teasing can get cute girls chasing you, check out my book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T.

TIP NO. 7: USE THE PUSH-PULL

Man kissing woman on the forehead

My personal favorite!

Teases and compliments are both effective tools. A “push-pull” combines one of each. The positive comment “pulls” her closer to you, while the tease playfully “pushes” her away.

Push: Playfully showing disinterest.


Pull: Showing interest.


Push-Pull: A light, joking comment that blends both. 
It works because the contrast of the positive and negative creates a compelling, surprising curiosity. It makes the brain happy.

The title of my book is a push-pull: “DATING SUCKS [push] BUT YOU DON’T [pull].) A push-pull gives her an emotionally layered experience. It’s two great tastes that taste great together—the Reese’s Cup of flirting.

Here are some push-pull examples:

Avoid using rehearsed push-pulls; the best ones arise in the moment.

TIP NO. 8: FLIRT, DON’T FAWN

An easy mistake to make is fawning—being too impressed by a woman too quickly. Such comments might include, “You are just so amazing,” “I’ve never met anyone like you,” and “Wow, you are so beautiful!”

Those things are fine to say after you’ve gotten close, but if you lay it on too thick too soon, you can come across as her groupie, not her equal. That’s a big turn-off.

So don’t fawn. Flirt. I define flirting as showing a woman that she’s affecting you but in a casual, no-big-deal way. This makes her feel sexy and attractive, without putting her on a pedestal. Here are examples of being affected by her but not fawning over her.

“Sorry, what did you say? Your lips were distracting me.” 


“That dress is very . . . wow. Anyway . . .”

TIP NO. 9: TEXT A WOMAN AS YOU WOULD A GOOD FRIEND

Grab your phone and find a recent text exchange with a good friend. I’ll bet your tone with your pal is relaxed and light, maybe with a joke or good-natured jibe tossed in, right? This is because you’re being authentic, not trying to impress. You want to text a woman the same way, but with a little romantic interest thrown in.

TIP NO. 10: ADD A DASH OF COCKINESS

Back in the day, I spent more time in the friend zone than Jerry Rice spent in the end zone.

Adding a dash of cockiness helped me escape. I’m a natural-born smart-ass, but I was hiding that side of me on dates. So when I met Amy on Match, I let that snarky side come out. On our first date, I teased her, accusing her of checking out my (nonexistent) ass.

The next day, I texted, “I just want you to know that you had a great time last night and you’d like to see me again.” She loved it. Our chemistry was like fireworks on the Fourth.

If you have a cheeky side, let women see it. Just make sure you combine cocky comments with humor, or else you can come across as pompous.

TIP NO. 11: GIVE HER A DEALBREAKER

A fun way to spike a date is to take an innocent detail about her and pretend—playfully, of course—that it’s a deal breaker. 


HER: I’m more of a cat person than a dog person. 


YOU: What? No! That’s a deal breaker. I knew you were too good to be true. 


HER: No, I like dogs! I just love cats more. 


YOU: Sorry, I don’t think I can be with someone who has a coat made of Dalmatians. 


HER: [laughing] No, I really do love dogs.

In addition to generating fun banter, giving your date little challenges can make her “chase” you a bit, getting her more invested in winning you over. And it’s a truism that the more invested in something a person is, the more they want that something.

TIP NO. 12: MOVE YOUR EYES IN A “7” PATTERN

When it comes to “how to talk to girls,” you can “talk” with your eyes.

To dial up the sexual tension, move your eyes in a “7” pattern— that is, from her right eye to her left eye and down to her lips. This will amplify your attraction to her.

Emotions are contagious—what you feel, a woman will feel. If you let yourself get lost in her baby blues, you can transfer the desire that you feel onto her.

TIP NO. 13: GIVE HER A NICKNAME

“Troublemaker.” “Kiddo.” “Freckles.” Giving a nickname to someone means you know and like them, and it suggests familiarity. The night I met my future girlfriend Carrie, she started calling me “Ginger-Man,” and it made me even more into her. (Damn, this stuff works on me, too!)

TIP NO. 14: MAKE HER THE SEDUCER

Woman kissing man on cheek

I love to misinterpret an innocent comment as “evidence” that my date wants to seduce me. A lot of women love this.

By flipping the male-female dynamic and accusing her of objectifying you, you subtly tell her, “I’m not like those guys.” Also, it takes things from a logical, Friend-to-Friend context to M-W. And it’s just fun. 


HER: I recently redid my bedroom . . . 


YOU: Listen, I’m not going to bed with you tonight. I know I’m sexy, but we just met, so let’s take it slow. 


Look for opportunities to say the kinds of things to women that women always tell horned-up guys. (As a joke! You’re not actually accusing her of anything.) Some examples . . .

“Umm, my eyes are up here.”  “Just so you know, I don’t hold hands until the third date.” “Stop trying to kiss me—I’m a gentleman, not a piece of meat.”

TIP NO. 15: TELL PERSONAL STORIES  

We’re hardwired to love stories. So the art of learning how to talk to girls includes sharing good anecdotes from your life.

An interesting personal story makes you more charismatic, holds her interest, and invites her to share her own stories. Here are some storytelling tips.

Follow a three-part structure: setting, conflict, resolution.

Here’s a story from my teenage years that I’ve told on many dates: “I was in study hall
in high school [setting] before a geometry test. I knew I wasn’t ready, and if I failed I’d end up in summer school [conflict]. So I went to the nurse and pretended to have back spasms. When my parents came, instead of taking me home, they took me to the hospital for X-rays. And the doctor diagnosed me with scoliosis—for fake back spasms! [resolution]” 


Details bring a story to life, making it more vivid. Include lots of specifics.

7 BONUS TIPS! HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS ON FIRST DATES  

There’s an old expression: To be interesting, be interested. In a 2017 study, researchers at Harvard found that people who asked questions in one-on-one situations, including first dates, were seen as more likable than those who didn’t ask questions.

On first dates, arm yourself with some good questions. It helps your date open up, helping you learn what makes her special and interesting. This can help you connect over shared experiences. (“What? Your first concert was Coldplay? Mine too!”)

Here are 7 great first-date questions, to help you always know how to talk to girls whom you’ve just met.

“What do you love most about your job/career?” 

This question lets you both talk about work in a positive, emotionally evocative way, rather than boringly asking, “What do you do?” 

“What’s your hidden talent?” 

This allows her to show off a bit while also revealing a secret—and sharing small secrets builds trust on first dates.

“What’s your dream travel destination?” 

Hey, everyone likes talking travel. It’s aspirational, and the two of you might find out you’re both just dying to see Machu Picchu.  

“Who would you want to play you in the movie of your life?” 

This question caters to her ego—and the actress that she chooses will clue you in on how she see herself. 

“Who did you see for your first concert?” 

Music is a great first-date topic. Prepare to be impressed when she mentions Beyoncé, or playfully tease her when she admits that it was Nickelback. 

“Who was your first kiss?”

Everyone remembers their first kiss. This question takes things in a romantic direction, but also keeps the vibe innocent.

“What’s the craziest place you’ve hooked up?”

If things are going well and you’re both opening up, feel free to ask this riskier, PG-13 question, which can help spark a sexy vibe. Just be ready to answer your own question!

BONUS TIP: GET COACHING!

If you want to learn how to talk to girls, here’s one more tip: Book a free call with me right now. Simply grab a time that works for you, and you and I can hop on the phone. Just go to this link:

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If we’re a good fit to work together, I will personally teach you my latest, greatest tips on how to talk to girls, so that you can attract an amazing girlfriend.

Book a free call today! Click here.

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Nice Guys Finish First

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on gaining instant confidence, how nice guys finish first and date quality girls, and turning a “rejection” into a first date.

Nice Guys Finish First

The Power of being Radically Authentic

Connell, I loved the chapter in your book about being “Radically Authentic.” I really like the sound of that, because I’m a man who just does NOT want to be some phony “pickup artist” type of guy. Can you share some practical tips about how to be Radically Authentic?

—Jake, 37, Indianapolis

Jake, it’s fairly simple: Being truly Radically Authentic is about ripping off those masks that most men wear with women and instead showing her your very best, most real and true you.

I speak from experience. I wore a lot of masks over the years. Consider my dates with a woman named Laura, whom I met back when I was trying to crack the code of dating success. I was super into her. She was the pretty much the perfect combo of smart and sexy, and she was quick with a witty one-liners. After our first date or two, I was totally smitten, pretty much scribbling “Connell + Laura” on my Trapper Keeper notebook. 

But I felt out of my league with her—a minor-league ballplayer in Fenway Park. What would a bright beauty like her see in a nerd like me? She was into SCUBA and mountain-hiking, so on our second date I put on a mask and pretended to be the rugged, outdoorsy guy I assumed that she wanted.

Which is to say, I made a bunch of crap up. Lies, lies, lies. I told her that I was studying to get my pilot’s license (a lie), that I was into skydiving (double lie), and that I swam with dolphins and sharks off the coast of Belize (double-dog lie.) I have a terrible poker face, and as I spewed these tall tales, my upper lip became a Slip-n-Slide of sweat. She could tell I was not being the real me. She friend-zoned me, naturally—as well she should have! Because when you feel that you’re unworthy, and you pretend to be someone you’re not, women can tell.

You must remove the mask. To quote John Updike: “A mask eats at the face.”

Yet when you’re what I call radically authentic, you relax and grow more at ease, making you more confident and attractive to women who like your type. Also, you give ladies an exciting, singular experience. After all, you’re not merely one in a million. You’re one in seven billion!

Put it like this: It’s the difference between being a watered-down wine spritzer and a glass of strong, 18-year-old Scotch.

Women want to catch a buzz on the good stuff—the top-shelf, 80-proof, barrel-aged you.

So, as I write in my book, “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” here are the (cue: drumroll….)

The 5 Steps of Radical Authenticity 

Be Honest
Dating with authenticity - nice guys finish first

Never, ever lie to women, and never put on a false front. Shed that mask. Instead, share your sense of humor, your stories, your points of view, your passions, your feelings, your true self. The more honest you are, the more you accept your true self, and that acceptance makes you instantly more confident. (And women LOVE confident men!)  

Be Vulnerable

Let your flaws, fears, and foibles show, while fully owning them. It takes real strength to be vulnerable, and women want to date strong men.

Example of vulnerability: Instead of telling that story about the time you scored the winning touchdown, talk about the time you fumbled and LOST the game.

Take the Right Action

Align your dating actions with your words and values. As Shakespeare wrote, “Action is eloquence.” 
This can be as simple as approaching a woman you find attractive and saying hello.

Be Kind

Kindness is so underrated by men. In fact, it’s the thing women want most in a guy, according to a 2019 survey of 64,000 single women. That’s right. It was no. 1, ahead of looks, money, or height. So, be nice.

Grow and Give

Both in dating and in life, the more you grow as a man, the more you give to women you meet—and the more you give, the more women want to give back to you.

As I write in my book, but it bears repeating: Your Authentic Self is King—forever may he reign.

NICE, NICE BABY

Woman and man in love

How can I stop being so nice? I’ve heard that women want to date bad boys and jerks. How can I stop being such a nice guy and start being a bad boy?

—Craig, 28, Denver

Craig, don’t do it! You may think that women all want bad boys, rather than nice guys. But that’s not the case. The truth is, nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs.

You may be thinking that women love the bad boy (and his cousin, the cocky jerk.) You know, Han Solo, Russell Brand, and the like. The swagger. The bravado. The Millennium Falcon.

Bad boys get girls giggling, twirling their hair, and giving out their numbers. But the odds of women swooning over YOU—a nice guy—are slim, right?

Wrong! The fact is, you can steal a little bad-boy mojo while still being the nice guy you are. And without getting stuck in the friend zone.

I know this because I’m a nice guy who was raised by nice parents in a nice Ohio town. I volunteer at a residence for blind people. I say please and thank you. I literally help old ladies cross the street. I’m not bragging. Just pointing out that you can be a nice guy and also be great with women.

Women are dying to date nice guys. Consider: In a Glamour magazine poll, single women chose “loyal and lovable” men as the category of guys they most want to date, at 33 percent. You know who finished second to last, at 6 percent? “Bad boys.”

I tried playing the cocky bad boy with women, and I struggled. Then one evening I met a gorgeous, glossy-haired Maxim model who opened my eyes to what women are looking for.

She was bemoaning all the narcissistic jerks she meets. “I’m so sick of arrogant, selfish men,” she said. “I’d love to meet a nice guy, but they never approach me. They’re intimidated. It’s too bad because nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs—as long as they have a back- bone.”

Did you catch that? “As long as they have a backbone.” When nice guys strike out with women, it’s not because of the niceness. It’s because they don’t convey the strength and confidence that women want.  

You don’t need to wear some assholier-than-thou mask, and you don’t need to be an “alpha male.”

You need to be a nice guy with steely self-confidence.

Don’t only take my male word on this. “By the time they reach their late twenties, women are done with bad boys,” Cherlyn Chong, a relationship coach for women, told me. “They put up with dick pics, arrogance, even emotional abuse, and they just want a nice, honest guy with some form of sexy going on. A guy who’s genuine dismantles women’s walls by being respectful while unapologetically real. That’s sexy as fuck.”

In other words, nice guys finish FIRST.

FROM REJECTED TO A FIRST DATE

Beautiful woman texting

This is driving me crazy! I get close to a cute girl having a date on me, and then she backs out last minute. That gets me trying to talk into meeting me, and that never works. What do I say to a woman who cancels a date? Is there a way to flip it around? 

—Charlie, 35, Portland, Maine

If a texting interaction isn’t going the way you want, use this move: Change her mood, not her mind.

That is, don’t use logic. Try humor or storytelling or try to tease her. Spike the interaction.

You can’t logically persuade a woman to meet you for a date – you have to strum the strings of her emotions.

For a few weeks, I had been trying for a first date with Annie—a kind, cute, private-equity real estate agent I’d connected with on a dating app. We couldn’t get our schedules aligned.

One day she sent me a polite blow-off message. I used some humor and silliness, rather than logic or pleading, and only a few messages after seemingly rejecting me, she called ME to set up a date. Here’s how I did it.

ANNIE: Hey, sorry I won’t be able to meet you. I am talking to someone else about a first date. But best of luck.

ME: No worries at all. Glad to hear you made a love connection. But I’ll have to return the engagement ring I bought you. [Ring emoji]

ANNIE: Lol. Sorry I’m just an honest person . . . But hey, perhaps it will be a terrible date.

ME: I have an idea. How about I come on the date with you! & you can give the guy you like most a rose, like on “the Bachelorette”

ANNIE: Lol! That would be different for sure. It’s too bad that you and I never connected. I just don’t like dating more than one guy.

ME: No worries. I only spent $7 on your ring so it’s OK. A fake diamond. Diamond-oid.

ANNIE: Perfect. I’m clumsy and I probably would fall and lose the ring.

ME: Phew! Then I dodged a bullet. I mean, you’re adorable and you seem cool, but if you dropped the symbol of our eternal love down in the gutter, that would hurt. [Frowning emoji]

ANNIE: LMAO. I can’t help it. I’m clumsy.


ME: That is SO you. It’s why I proposed.


ANNIE: Hahaha. You’re cute. Maybe I should meet you.

ME: Lol. Thanks. You’re suuuper cute. I’m just trying to keep up. You have a great sense of humor. & Don’t worry. I never propose till date no 2.

ANNIE: Haha. We should meet up. Imma call you in a min . . .

Seconds later, my phone rang, we talked for a half hour, and we had a great date three nights later that ended with her spending the night. And all I did was have fun by cracking dumb jokes, rather than try to logically convince her to meet with me, which would NOT have worked.

To change her mind, change her mood.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He's helped men all over the world find the woman of their dreams with actionable advice. His work has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. In addition, you can find him in print in Maxim, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. Ask Connell a question below!

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