How To Go From Dating To Relationship

In this article, dating coach for men Connell Barrett shows you how to go from dating to relationship and how to determine if she's "the one."

My client Richard (Higher Self name: “Slick Rick”) had solved his biggest problem: not knowing how to talk to women. Now, he wanted more. He wanted a great girlfriend.

A real estate investor of Indian ancestry, Richard had only had one girlfriend by the time he reached his thirties. “In Indian families, you’re encouraged not to date,” he said. “You’re taught to focus on studies and career and somehow you’ll just magically get married. I never learned what women are like and how to flirt, and all these walls went up. I felt dysfunctional.”

Working with me, Richard razed those walls and found himself dating a few women at the same time. But having a “roster” didn’t fulfill him. He sought a relationship, preferably with Sarah, a kind, confident healthcare worker he’d had a couple of great dates with. But he wasn’t sure how to go about it.

“I was like, do you just ask? Or do I wait for her to bring it up? I wasn’t sure.”

How To Go From Dating To Relationship

I advised him to shift from Dating Mode to the Boyfriend Experience. That is, show the woman what a relationship with you would feel like. Basically, fake it till you make it . . . official.

Instead of going out for drinks and dinners, which they’d already done, Richard asked Sarah to pick out clothes with him at Urban Outfitters, attend yoga class together, and shop at Whole Foods. He introduced her to his friends and coworkers. He booked her for weekly dates. And soon she was reciprocating, asking him to join her and her girlfriends for brunch. “We both just clicked into these roles and it felt so natural,” he said.

Richard asked Sarah to date exclusively, and she said yes. Eight months later, while vacationing together in San Francisco, he dropped to one knee and proposed—in the shadow of the Golden Gate Bridge, no less. Another yes!

When you’ve found The One—or at least, the one you want to be your girlfriend—it helps to have a plan. In this chapter, I’ll give you the playbook to landing a great relationship. And I’ll share the three questions to ask your- self to make sure that she’s really the right woman for you.

Settle for More

When you enter a relationship, it will fall into one of four categories, depending on where you are in your search for love. Here they are, from worst to first.

Wrong Person, Wrong Time: This is when she’s not a good fit for you, and you don’t even want a relationship. But dating sucks, and you don’t want to be alone, so you relent. The ultimate in settling.

Wrong Person, Right Time: You’re ready to commit to someone, but you have a scarcity of options, so you settle for what you can get. This is most men, I believe.

Right Person, Wrong Time: You weren’t looking for romance, but how could you not lock her down? She’s awesome.

Right Person, Right Time: Brains, beauty, kind—the whole package.

If she turns you into a human heart–eyed emoji, and you’re ready to dive in. This is the ideal.

As men, deep down we all want true love, but we tend to settle for something comfortable and convenient. Something “good enough.” But when you settle, you miss out on finding the right person.

Don’t settle for “good enough.” This is too important. It’s your love life. Raise your standards and go after a truly great relationship with a quality woman who’s right for you.

3 Important To Questions To Ask Before Persuing The Relationship

If you feel like she might be the right person at the right time, you need to ask yourself three important questions before pursuing a relationship with her. There's no dating to relationship timeline. The most important thing to determine is your long-term compatibility.

1. Do we “just fit”?

Do your souls dovetail? Listen to your gut.

2. Does your Big Life Stuff align?

Are you compatible in areas such as core values, wanting a family, religious views, political beliefs, and cultural backgrounds? Granted, you may only want a girlfriend right now, not a wife, but a great relationship should have strong long-term potential. You may have stuff in common but to make it work long-term, you need most of your Big Life Stuff to align.

3. Will We Grow Together?

Can you see the two of you growing together, complementing one another? Because if a relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying. There’s no in-between.

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, there’s a chance you’re not with the right person. You may be settling. Remember, you’re a Radically Authentic guy with an abundance of dating options. Never settle.

If you answered “yes” to all three questions, then it’s time to give her the Boyfriend Experience.

Seven Ways To Make Her Your Partner

Build Trust

Virtually all women want to trust their man. She likely won’t become your girlfriend unless she can trust you. Communicate openly, be vulnerable, listen, be consistent in your actions, admit your mistakes, and always tell the truth.

Bring Her Into Your Social Circle

I met my future girlfriend Diana in a bookstore’s self-help section. Like many women of Asian heritage, she’s beautiful, but her bravery and sense of adventure is what wowed me: She’d just moved halfway around the world to start a new career in the U.S.

I wanted her to be my girlfriend, so for our second date, I invited her to sit in with my pub-trivia team, Trivia Newton-John. Why? Because pub trivia is awesome. (Fun fact: Blood donors in Sweden are sent a text when their blood is used.) Also, I wanted her to meet my nerdy friends and get a feel for what being my partner would be like. We were soon dating exclusively.

Introduce your potential girlfriend to your pals, coworkers, or even members of your family. Don’t have much of a social circle? Get on that! If you want to invite a woman into your awesome life, you must have an awesome life into which to invite her.

Do Boyfriend/Girlfriend Stuff

After a few “regular” dates, have her, say, help you pick out new jeans, join you at the gym, or go grocery shopping (followed by you whipping her up a delicious dinner, of course). Bonus: This breaks up the predictable, let’s-do-drinks model of dating and gives her some romantic variety.

“Man Up” to Make Her Feel Safe

Women tend to want to date guys who make them feel safe. This makes sense. Evolution selected men to be protectors. Unlike your Homo sapiens ancestors, you don’t need to spear a saber-tooth tiger to impress your partner. Just do some (nontoxic) manly stuff to give her that sense of safety. Such as...

Be fit. Women like muscles.

Catch the mouse or relocate the spider.

Start a campfire.

Change her tire.

Drive stick.

Be the one to lock the front door before bed.

Offer her your coat.

Place both hands on either side of her when she leans on a wall.

Assertively state date plans (“We’re doing dinner Friday at eight at that Italian place you like.”)

Carry her to the bedroom.

Oh, and fix stuff around the house. I’m no Bob Vila, but I once changed a date’s light fixture and before I was off the stepladder she was dragging me into her bedroom.

Show Her Your Generous Side

Be a good tipper—women notice that. And letting her know (in an unboastful way) about your charitable pursuits can be powerful, as Richard learned. “Volunteer work is important to me,” he said. “I donate to fight animal cruelty, and I work with the Ronald McDonald House [to help sick children]. I’d mention this to women and they’d turn to putty. Women really do like nice guys.”

Schedule at Least One Date Weekly

The more often you see her, the more it feels like a real relationship.

Pop the Question!

After dating this way for a month or two, it’s time to make your coupledom official. Plan ahead. Make it a moment. Choose the right place and time to “pop the question”—say, during a relaxing day in the park, not in some loud bar.

Be sincere. Speak from the heart. Tell her how much you enjoy her and what she’s added to your life. (Should you use the L-word? Maybe! If you feel it, say it. If you don’t, that can come later.) Say something like, “I’m crazy about you, and the way you [specific thing you love]. I don’t want to date anyone else. I want to be your boyfriend. Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

If she says yes, celebrate, laugh, kiss, and rip each other’s clothes off. (If you’re in a park, wait till you get home for that last part.)

In the event she says no, it will sting. But listen. What are her reasons? Does she need more time? No matter what she says, be proud that you went for it.

The Path To Fulfillment

When I struggled with women and started learning how to date, I thought that having a “rotation” would make me happy. It didn’t—not for long, anyway. I’m cool with dating around for a while, but sex without love and true connection is just candy for the ego. There’s a sugar rush but no real nourishment.

Dating to gratify your ego won’t fulfill you because it’s all about you. Romantic fulfillment comes from growing with, and giving to, a wonderful partner.

(excerpts from Dating Sucks But You Don't)

Read more about how to approach women and how to go from dating to relationship in Connell's book Dating Sucks But You Don't. Book a free call with Connell here.

Connell Barrett is an acclaimed dating coach for men who has helped men all over the world find the women of their dreams. He's appeared on The Today Show, Goodmorning America, Access Hollywood, and more. Listen to Connell's podcast on how to get a girlfriend, and book a free discovery call to see how he can help you.

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What To Say To Women

Dating Coach Connell Barrett reveals the 5 Master Steps to confidently approach women. Learn what to say to women without any creepy “pickup” moves.

What To Say To Women

There’s so much information out there on how to approach women that it gets me stuck in my head. What do I say? What do I not say? Can you help me simplify things? I just want a simple plan that I can put into place to help me meet cool, cute women when I’m out. Help!

—Andy, 39, Toronto

I hear you, Andy. When it comes to approaching women, there’s a lot of noise out there, but very little wisdom.

So let me share some game-changing wisdom with you that will make it so much easier for you to know what to say to women, overcome approach anxiety, meets lots of wonderful women, and make sparks fly!

Get ready to use the 5 Master Steps.

When you go out to approach, you need a framework that gives you certainty and structure. Your brain craves certainty, but dating is filled with things outside of your control.

You can’t count on any given woman liking you, but you can count on a system that leads to lots of women liking you over time. Just as top athletes like LeBron James follow a routine to assure success, you need to follow an approaching routine that leads you to romantic connections.

I teach a framework that I call the Five Master Steps. When you go out, day or night, your primary goal is NOT to get “results.” Your primary goal is to follow the Five Master Steps.

This helps you focus on the process and keeps you from being creepily results-focused. (A woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s “result.” She wants to be with a guy who’s genuinely enjoying her.)

Important! When you go out to apply this system, commit to a minimum amount of time—at least thirty minutes, but ideally an hour or more. Treat it like going to the gym. The more time and effort you put in, the better.

But don’t overdo it, either. Make a one-hour session following the Five Master Steps your sweet spot.

The 5 Master Steps

1. Open Often

Talk to lots of women, not waiting too long between interactions.

2. Offer Authentic Value

Be you. You are enough! Your authentic self is attractive to a LOT of women.

3. Make a Connection

It’s about connection, not attraction.

4. Go for It!

A number, a date, a kiss. Go for what you want.

5. Appreciate Something Great

Notice at least one awesome thing about every approach.

Let’s dig in deeper and go through all of the 5 Master Steps.

1: OPEN OFTEN

When you’re out to meet women, make sure you actually meet women! Start LOTS of conversations. Talk to someone new at least every five to ten minutes at night and every fifteen minutes during the day.

This may sound like a high bar if you’re introverted, like I am. But once you dive in and start, it’s actually easier to talk to, say, a dozen women in a night than to only approach one or two and be shoved in your head the rest of the time. Taking action gets you out of your head and gives you social momentum, unlocking your Higher Self. You become present. Additionally, it helps you learn how to talk to beautiful woman without being intimidated.

In a perfect world, you won’t approach the entire time. You’ll hit it off with a woman you like and hang with her. But if this doesn’t happen at first, don’t sweat it. Stick to the steps and go home feeling incredible for being a man of action who’s getting better with women every day.

When you follow this first step and open conversations with a lot of girls—I’m talking five to ten in one hour in a busy bar at night—you’ll notice a shift in your psychology.

What happens is, the fearful part of your brain switches off, and you see true opportunity rather than false danger. This leads to bolder actions and some badass benefits. You enter a fearless flow state that feels like being slightly drunk, yet you’re completely clear-headed. It’s your Higher Self fully activated, and it’s addictive.

When you “open often” and get into a nice flow state, cool things happen. I dated a woman in L.A. whom I’d met when I approached her at a cocktail party at a W Hotel. After our first night together, we were lying in bed and she said, “I was so impressed the way you came right up to me, even though I was with Mike,” referring to a burly guy friend she had been talking to when I first said hello. The truth is, I barely even noticed Mike—at least, not as a threat. I could only see the upside.

Again, your Lower Self will try to talk you out of that first approach. Simply decide to take action. You’re more likely to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting.

2: OFFER AUTHENTIC VALUE

Simply put, be you, and try to make her day/night better than before she met you. Here are three ways to do that.

• Be Man-to-Woman. Flirt. Let her know you’re interested. That said . . .

• Be sincere. Not everything has to be a “move.” Quite the opposite. M-W is the pepper in the dish. The main course is your authentic personality. Because (all together now) you are enough.

• Be fun. Crack jokes. Show your playful side. Dating should be fun, and so should approaching. This will help you a lot, both in terms of enjoying the process and hitting it off with the kinds of women you’re attracted to.

If you go out, flirt a bit, be sincere, and have fun on your own terms—that’s really all you have to do! It can be that simple.

Most guys are not their true selves with women, and they’re trying to take rather than give. Not you. You’re that rare guy who approaches her with the intention to give, not to take. You’re at her level. The guy who offers authentic value.

And when you give to women, women love to give back.

3: MAKE A CONNECTION

When you are thinking of what to say to women keep it at an emotional level. Look for things you have in common and share emotional experiences. A former dating coach of mine gave me a great tip that I still use: “Find out what makes her fascinating.” If a woman feels that you “get” her, she’ll feel more connected to you.

Lots of guys want her. You’ll be the guy who understands her, and that’s way more powerful.

4: GO FOR IT!

If you like her, go for what you want—a number, a date, a dance-floor makeout. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Lead things somewhere. It’s about playing to win, rather than playing not to lose.

One summer afternoon, I was wingmanning for my client Michael, thirty, who was on a park bench talking to a woman he’d just met. I left for a few minutes, and when I got back, she was alone. I found Michael sitting not far away, his shoulders slumped, his face in his hands.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I screwed up,” he said. “It was going great, but I chickened out and didn’t ask her out. I just left. I suck!”

“It’s all good,” I said. “She’s still there. It’s not too late. Let me ask you—if you went back over there, what would you say to her if you knew you couldn’t fail?” “I would tell her that I wimped out because I got scared, but that I’d love to take her out.”
“Perfect,” I said. “There she is. Go!”
He reapproached her. I couldn’t hear the conversation, but I saw her look up, listen, smile, and extend her hand, asking for his phone. Numbers exchanged, date set.

Your Lower Self will try to talk you out of taking risks. Don’t let it. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Go for it!

5: APPRECIATE SOMETHING GREAT

After every approach—whether it lasted three seconds or three hours—appreciate at least one great thing about it. A joke you made, a lesson you learned. Or, if you got blown out, see something funny in it.

Approaching success is largely about managing your emotions, and Step 5 keeps you focused on the positive and empowering rather than on judging yourself. What you focus on is what you will feel, so focus on something empowering.

Do. Not. Skip. This. Step. If you do, you’ll turn into Judge Judy, finding every flaw, real or imagined, in your interactions. I know. I did that for years. Remember: Every approach is a win. No self-judgment allowed.

These are the Five Master Steps. This tested system assures that you’ll meet lots of women as the real you. If you apply it, it’s hard not to hit it off with some wonderful women.

Dating coach for guys, Connell Barrett, helps men all over the world find the women of their dreams by connecting authentically. Connell is a trusted dating coach appearing on shows including The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and Good Morning America to name a few. His book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to break into the dating scene successfully with authenticity. Get the book here. Listen to his podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend here. Book a free discovery call with Connell here.

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How To Appear Confident And Attractive When You Approach A Woman

Dating Coach Connell Barrett on the 5 secrets for steely confidence, so you can learn how to appear confident and attractive as you approach women and attract a great girlfriend

How to Appear Confident and Attractive to Get the Girl

Connell, it’s so hard for me to approach women. I can be so confident around my friends, but when I see a cute girl I want to meet, I become a puddle of nerves. How do I fix this?

—Roger, 34, Portland, Ore.

Roger, let me answer you with a thought experiment, in two scenarios.

No. 1: You’re in your favorite coffee shop, and you see an attractive woman. Your only goal? Walk over and ask her for the time. As you go up to her, how comfortable and confident would you feel, on a scale of 1-10?

No. 2: Same coffee shop, same woman. Except now your mission is different: “Approach” her, use a clever opener, be charismatic, spark attraction, and get her digits for a date. If this was your goal, using the same 1-10 scale, what’s your confidence level?

Odds are, when you compare the two numbers, in the first scenario your confidence lands in the 7-10 range, while in the second it nosedives to about 1-4. (“Put me down for minus-100,” one client told me.)

Now, both situations involve identical actions: You walking up to an attractive female stranger and talking. But one context gives you confidence, and the other makes you anxious, perhaps petrified.

Why the disparity? It’s all in the mind—specifically, the stories you tell yourself based on your beliefs.

You likely imbue the two situations with very different meanings. Asking a stranger for the time carries no risk to your ego. Your self-worth is not on the line.

But “hitting on her” has high stakes. In this story, success means that you’ll feel attractive and land a date with a beauty who might be The One. Yet if you approach and fail, you may feel humiliated, rejected, creepy, and learn that the worst is true: Women just aren’t into you.

This second interpretation—“Failure means I’m not enough”—triggers fear and anxiety. It turns talking to a woman into an existential reckoning on your worth as a man.

It’s these stories, these beliefs, that govern your actions and emotions and determine your dating destiny.

So keep reading, to learn how to build a bullet-proof confidence, so that anxiety-inducing actions like approaching or moving in for the first kiss become almost as easy as asking for the time. You’ll also learn the 5 Beliefs that Assure Success, while destroying the limiting belief that most holds you back.

Look in the Mirror

In my 20s, I worked as a waiter at a steakhouse. I had a huge crush on Tina, a smart, sassy, doe-eyed waitress. One night, I was leaning against the break-room wall and sucking on a cherry lollipop when Tina walked up to me, pulled the sucker from my mouth and slowly put it in hers. “Yum,” she cooed, holding eye contact.

Every atom in my body was aroused, but despite her bold, flirtatious move, it never occurred to me that she liked me, so I didn’t ask her out or flirt back. I was CERTAIN that I wasn’t attractive to women, so I figured she just wanted my lollipop. I had no idea she, ahem, “wanted my lollipop.”

A limiting belief about your attractiveness can blind you to opportunities, and stop you from taking the actions that create connections with women.

This leads me to some bad news and some good news.

The bad news: If things aren’t working in your romantic life, it’s on you.

Everything you love, hate, feel, fear, think, believe—it all shows up in your interactions with women, for better or worse. Your dating life is a mirror that reflects what’s happening inside you. It comes through in your voice, words, eye contact, actions, emotions. Take me and Tina. It wasn’t that I was afraid to ask her out; asking her out never entered my mind because I was sure that women like her didn’t want me.

The quality of your love life correlates to the quality of your mindset.

Saying that your dating struggles are “on you” may sound harsh, but it’s actually excellent news! You can’t change the externals—women, society, Tinder’s algorithm. But you can change your mindset, which will change your emotions, actions, and outcomes.

To be clear, there’s nothing broken in you. You don’t need fixing. But you do need to fix your mindset.

The Power of Beliefs

What’s a belief? It’s a feeling of absolute certainty about what something means—a story you repeatedly tell yourself. Many beliefs are true and empowering (“Mom loves me”; “hard work pays off”), while others are false but fairly harmless. (“I’ll have one more beer”; “That Bruce Willis can really act!”)

Then there are limiting beliefs—disempowering feelings that are either totally or partially false but that constrain you, damaging the quality of your life. In dating, a limiting belief can keep you from taking the right action, and also hurt your results when you do take action. And they can crush your confidence.

For example, a guy might believe, “I’m not good-looking enough to date beautiful women,” even though he’s never even tried. Therefore, he doesn’t pursue the women he’s attracted to, effectively turning a made-up story into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Here are some common limiting beliefs:

I’m not good-looking/ cool/ tall enough to date attractive women
I don’t have the words/ don’t know what to say to girls
I’m the wrong ethnicity
I’m not outgoing enough/ I’m too shy and introverted
I’m too old

When you replace a limiting belief with a new, empowering, and TRUE belief, it changes how you feel, makes dating fun, and propels you toward what I call an Amazing Outcome—a dating life of confidence and connection.

The most destructive disempowering dating belief? It’s some version of “I’m not enough.” Not tall enough or handsome enough or charismatic enough for the kind of woman you want to date. And getting so-called “proof” that you’re not enough—a woman ghosts you or friend-zones you or turns down your approach—can make you feel like less of a man.

But when you destroy the beliefs that hold you back, you’re free to take new actions—even if those limitations seem, well, truly limiting.

A decade ago, I was in London on a sunny Sunday afternoon, taking a dating boot camp as a student. I’d spent two hours approaching women in Trafalgar Square. At the time, I was still battling the doubts that triggered anxiety: “What if I’m not good-looking enough? What if I’m too introverted?” In other words, “What if I’m not enough?”

My coach was offering some pointers when he spotted a past client of his in mid-approach. “There’s Alex,” my coach said. “Looks like he’s doing great.”

I turned to see a tall, slender brunette woman wearing aviator shades, a form-fitting trench coat, and a wide smile. Alex looked relaxed. At one point, she laughed and threw her hair back.

I couldn’t hear their words, but she was clearly loving him. The look on her face said, “Damn, you’re confident.” It didn’t matter to her that Alex was in a wheelchair. He was all smiles and smoothness, bound to his chair but not to his limitations.

The 5 Beliefs That Assure Success

I want to share five powerful beliefs that, if applied, will make great dating results a veritable lock for you. Follow these North stars. Here they are.

1: YOU ARE ENOUGH

When I was a junior in college, I wrote a weekly humor column for the campus newspaper. It was a popular feature, but I was painfully insecure about my writing.

One day, a fan letter from a journalism professor appeared in my mailbox. “You may not know how good you are,” Professor Hale said of my writing, before telling me about the promising career that awaited me. That letter, that sentence, was a booster shot of confidence that I badly needed.

You may not know how good YOU are. If you wonder whether or not you’re enough to date wonderful women and get a great girlfriend, you absolutely are—in ways great and small. Buy into this. Because when you believe it, everything shifts.

2: WHEN YOU FOCUS ON AN AMAZING OUTCOME, YOUR MIND MAKES IT HAPPEN

Accept the truth that a great partner WILL be in your life. It’s a done deal—a when, not an if. This is about focusing on what you want, rather than what you fear. Anxiety and inaction come from playing a horror movie in your mind.

So play a different flick, one that shows you a compelling outcome.

I’m not talking about a ruthless fixation on success. Don’t go all J.K. Simmons in “Whiplash” on yourself. Simply soak in the certitude that an incredible love life awaits. It will happen.

This is not woo-woo, “law of attraction” mumbo jumbo. It’s practical psychology. When you commit to a compelling goal, your subconscious says, “Let’s do this!” And to keep you honest, your brain does a dickishly-cool thing: It gives you stress if your actions don’t align with your goal. To avoid this pain, you act in accordance with your desires, and your mind eliminates many of the shitty thoughts and behaviors that hold you back.

Also, this kind of fierce focus helps you perform at a higher level. This is what great athletes do. In his prime, on his way to winning 15 majors, Tiger Woods would stand on the tee and picture the blade of grass on which his ball would land some 350 yards away. By focusing on where he was going, he worried less about sand traps and lakes. This relaxed him, facilitating his best play.

See and feel your outcome—the confidence, the romantic connection—and your psychology will find a way.

3: RITUALS EQUAL RESULTS

Love handles or washboard abs? Being dead broke or Richie Rich wealthy? Unlucky in love or honeymooning in Hawaii?

Our progress, or lack thereof, comes from our rituals, the actions we take consistently. Daily action will propel you toward the romantic fulfillment you desire.

You can visualize and meditate and get your kumbayayas out all day long, but if you don’t take consistent, ritualized action, your chance of failure is high. Vision boards and goals scribbled on paper—it’s all dead wood without the discipline to act.

But don’t think you need to improve in leaps and bounds right away. Yes, you can have big breakthroughs, but don’t underestimate the power of steady, incremental improvement.

4: FEAR IS YOUR FRIEND, NOT YOUR FOE

With apologies to FDR, the only thing we have to fear is ignoring fear itself. Fear is a friend, a powerful force to harness, a call to action.

If you’re afraid to approach that girl or go for the first-date kiss, that’s fear telling you exactly what you SHOULD do.

Your love life is like a boat, and fear is the ocean wind. You can use those gusts to reach your destination, or do nothing and be lost at sea. As Tony Robbins said at a seminar, “You can’t control the wind, but you can control the sails.”

If you do one scary but necessary thing every day, you’ll see incredible results faster than you ever thought possible.

5: FAILURE IS THE SECRET TO RESULTS

Thomas Edison failed to invent the lightbulb hundreds of times. Abraham Lincoln failed to win almost every election he entered, until 1860. J.K. Rowling failed to sell her first Harry Potter manuscript 22 times.

So-called “failure” is part of the path to achievement. The secret: Fail big and often. Then fail again and again and again…

Until you succeed.

As you can see, the secret of how to appear confident and attractive to women is by looking within. You have everything it takes to succeed. You just need to allow yourself to do so. I know, I know, easier said than done. If you need help with how to be confident around beautiful women, book a free call with me.

Connell Barrett is an acclaimed dating coach for men who has helped men all over the world attract the women of their dreams. He's appeared on Goodmorning America, Access Hollywood, and The Today Show to name a few. His podcast on how to get a girlfriend and book Dating Sucks But You Don't provide dating tips to help men succeed while being their authentic selves.

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How to Write a Dating Profile

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on how to write a dating profile and how to make sparks fly on first dates.

How to Write A Dating Profile

Photos are the most important piece of real estate on your dating-app profile, but if you’re not getting the kinds of matches you want, odds are you have to learn how to write a dating profile that resonates with women.

The first rule of online-dating success (after having great photos): Write a Badass Bio!

But sadly, most dating-app bios suffer from a dreaded case of I-Like-Long-Walks-on-the-Beach-itis.

They’re dull, have no personality, and they read like a résumé.

Here are the six essential elements you want in your bio:

1: Clarity. Women want to burn minimal mental calories while reading about you. If you confuse, she will snooze, and you will lose.

2: Personality! It should be light, fun, and authentic. Humor is a major bonus. Making her laugh is better than having six-pack abs. (Take it from me… I haven’t seen my abs since I ran track in high school…)

3: Positivity. Good vibes only. This rule is unbreakable.

4: Brevity. Less is more. But don’t write NOTHING.

5: Sincerity and heart. Let her glimpse the real you, with specifics. Use some “chick bait,” that is, stuff that women are drawn to: chocolate, dogs, yoga, champagne, the beach, surfing, a cool job, delicious foods such as guacamole. (One study by the dating app Zoosk noted that men who mention guac on their profile saw their match rate increase by 144 percent on average.)

6: A call to action, such as a fun question (“Would you rather date: Tyrion or Jon Snow?”) or telling her what she should do. (“Swipe right if you love Pop-Tarts.”) More on the importance of a good call to action in a minute.

Now, as for what NOT to put in your bio, here’s a list, in no particular order:

Negativity, such as listing what you DON’T want in a partner.

Any variation of “no drama.” Women hate this because it’s like saying, “Have no emotions and be perfect.” Most women who read “no drama” will immediately swipe-left.

Vulgarity. No f*cking bad language… capeesh, mother-truckers?

No blank bios. Write something! If you leave your bio blank, she’ll consider you a blank.

Fat-shaming, slut-shaming, bi-shaming, and STI-shaming (e.g., referring to yourself as “clean”). This won’t work, it’s gross, and may get your profile shadow-banned or outright banned. And it’s VERY HARD to get back on a dating app after you’ve been booted.

And here’s another important tip, when it comes to learning how to write a dating profile.

Be Captain “Hook.”

The first sentence is the most important part of your bio, on apps like Tinder and Bumble. (Hinge is a different beast, where there’s no bio—just various prompts.)

I call it the hook. If your first line doesn’t hook her interest, she may bounce and find someone who’s got more to offer.

Things to avoid are clichés, like “giving this a try” (well, duh!) and “seeking a partner in crime” (don’t use this tired line, unless you’re an actual bank robber).

Generic greetings like “Heyy, whattup, ladies?” will fall pancake flat. Another turn-off? Writing “I’m bad at bios.” Umm, would you buy an iPhone if Apple’s slogan was “We’re bad at technology”?

And PLEASE… no quoting your favorite movie or TV show. (Great, you like “The Office” and “The Simpsons”—most of humanity does.)

Here’s how to write a good hook.  

The best way to grab her attention is with a good quip. Make her smile. This is more art than science, so here are some examples my clients and I have had success with.

“DANGER! My profile *may* make you fall in love with me.”

Why it works: The all-caps breaks her pattern, and the “challenge” issued creates curiosity. You’re daring her NOT to keep reading.

“A man on the street and a dad bod in the sheets.”

Why it works: Even if she doesn’t know the Usher song lyric that this alludes to, it’s silly and self-effacing. Most guys brag on Tinder. You’re talking up your dad bod.

“I’m 6'2", so I’m the perfect big spoon.” 

Why it works: It combines two things women love: tall guys and spooning.

“My million-dollar idea: Pulled. Pork. Ice cream.” 

Why it works: Just plain stupid, in the best way. If she laughs, she’ll keep reading.

“My heart is bigger than Kanye’s ego.”

Why it works: A snarky dig at Kanye while saying, “I’m a good guy.” That’s an attractive combo.

“Back in my day, we made booty calls on pay phones.” Why it works: A funny way to tweak Tinder.

How to Write about Yourself:

Include a few details in your bio about you. What do you want women to know? What makes you different, awesome, a great catch?

Show (with specifics), don’t tell (with vagueness). “I live for rock climbing in Colorado” paints a clear picture. “I love to travel” or “I like the outdoors” says nothing.

How to Write a Good Call to Action:

End your bio with a fun call to action that compels her to match with you. This is especially important on Bumble, where women send the first message; you’re helping her write her opener to you. “Would you rather” questions work well because they’re playful and easy to answer.

Such as, WYR . . .

…have dinner with Lennon or McCartney?

…shower in Evian or swim in Cristal? 

…date the Tin Man or Scarecrow? 

…eat a potato, or BE a potato?

Calls to action can simply tell her what you want her to do, the same way we’re all told to “Call now!” or “Like and subscribe.” The secret? Make her want to swipe.

“Swipe right if you love Ben & Jerry’s.”  

“Swipe right if you’re too sexy for this app.”  

“What kind of puppy should I get? Message me!”  

“Tell me… Thin-crust or deep-dish? (Pressure. There  IS a right answer.)”

Learning how to write a dating profile is trickier than it looks. But if you follow all of these guidelines, and write a great hook, you’ll “hook” more women’s interest, and get a LOT more matches and dates.

THE FAST WAY TO FIRST-DATE CONFIDENCE

I’ve been reading a lot of tips and advice—including your book, which I loved! But I have a problem. I get a lot of dates, which is awesome, but I feel very “shoved in my head” during the dates. It’s hard to keep all these moves and techniques straight in my mind. This results in me not having fun or feeling confident, and I’m not getting second dates. How do I smash out of the first-date friend zone, while also feeling loose and confident?

—Robert, 29, Philadelphia

Robert, you need to think less, and give you next date a present: your presence.

Look, I get into theory and practical advice as much as any guy—hey, I literally wrote the book on it! But on a date, you need to clear your mind of the 127 pointers you’ve soaked up and just be present with her.

How? By embracing the “essence of the craft.”

The term comes from a top mental-game coach named Jim Fannin, who’s trained elite athletes such as Alex Rodriguez. Fannin also coached me.

Fannin teaches a concept called “the essence of the craft.” He has top athletes distill complex tasks into one simple phrase so that they don’t overthink things. At the plate, A-Rod used to tell himself, “I hit the ball flat with an accelerated bat.”

When you’re interacting with a woman, the last thing you need is to try to remember tons of tips and techniques. Your most attractive, authentic, awesome self will have a clear mind.

To get into the moment on dates and keep things simple, create a short mantra (10 words or less) that captures the essence of the first-date craft for you. Here are three that me and my clients have used for better dates.

“Be authentic and make her smile.”

“Flirt, connect, and have fun.”

“Learn what makes her fascinating, while being your real self.”

If you’re real and can put a smile on her face, there’s a great chance for a romantic connection. Plus, these reminders shift your mind away from your insecurities and doubts and lets you focus on giving her a great time.

There’s nothing wrong with learning tips and moves. But when you’re with a girl on a date, keep things simple. Embrace the essence of the craft.

The right moves will arise, as needed. Get out of your head and into the moment.

Give her the present of your authentic presence.

Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men who helps clients attract women and find the woman of their dreams. His book Dating Sucks But You Don't provides important dating advice to get you started. Connell has appeared on the Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. Book a complimentary call with Connell here.

How to Compliment a Girl

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on how to compliment a girl, why your looks just don’t matter, and a simple tip to confidently approach women.

How to Compliment a Girl

Connell, I really need to know how to compliment a girl. I know from your book that it’s important to create a “man-to-woman” frame when you’re talking to a woman, but every time I want to compliment someone, I worry that I’ll come across as needy or overeager. When it comes to learning how to compliment a girl, what’s the right way?

—Jason, 40, Tampa, Fla.

Ah, how to compliment a girl? It’s one of life’s age-old questions, right up there with, “Is there life after death?” and “Why the HELL did Game of Thrones’ final season suck so bad?”

Fear not, Jason. It’s actually very simple to compliment a girl, whether you’re on a date, chatting in a social environment, or just texting back and forth on a dating app.

A fantastic way to do it is to pay her a Power Compliment. It should be three things: sincere, specific, and not about her physical attributes.

Does she have a cool tattoo? Stylish leather boots? An awesome Springsteen T-shirt? Tell her what you noticed and why you’re impressed. (“I love Bruce, too. He was my first concert.”)  

There’s nothing wrong with appreciating a woman’s physical beauty, but women want to be appreciated for what’s inside. Let her know an inner quality that you like about her. Are you impressed by her smarts, wits, sense of humor, or caring heart? Tell her.

Lots of guys have told her how beautiful she is on the outside. Be that rare man who also sees the beauty within.  

That’s how to compliment a girl, in a way that she’ll love.

WHY YOUR LOOKS DON’T MATTER

I’ll be blunt. I’m not a good-looking guy. I have a big nose, and also some scarring on my neck from an accident from childhood. And my looks really hurt me in the confidence department. I almost never talk to women, I haven’t had a girlfriend in years, and I don’t bother with online dating. I figure, “What’s the point? It’s all about being great-looking.” But I’m so lonely and low in confidence. Can you give me any tips? Or just some hope?

—Michael, 37, Nashville

Michael, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. I used to think I just didn’t have the looks or washboard abs that women want.

But the truth is your looks are way, way overrated, when it comes to dating success, and attracting a great girlfriend.

That’s right—your looks don’t matter.

Hey, if you’re a guy who has chiseled, Hemsworthian features, good on you. But take it from a fellow who’s dated some beautiful women despite resembling a Weasley brother: Your looks don’t matter all that much—unless you make them matter.

If you stop and think, you’ll find that the old Joe Jackson song “Is She Really Going Out with Him?” rings true. How often have you seen a head-turning woman with a regular-looking guy? Lots, I’ll bet. There are many high-profile examples, too, from past and present. Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. Pete Davidson and Half of Hollywood.

I used to buy into the whole “looks matter” myth, which is partially why I married a woman I wasn’t in love with. I wanted to be single and date around, but I felt I wasn’t attractive enough to do that, so I settled. And she rightly dumped me nine weeks later.

When I started hiring coaches and getting some good wingmen, I met tons of not-hot guys—chubby, scrawny, short—who were attracting sexy women.

The first time I saw a “regular” guy getting rock-star results, I almost rubbed my eyes and questioned reality. Owen Cook was an old-school pickup artist whom I’d read about in The Game. (He’s left behind pickup artistry to focus solely on self-development.)

A five-foot-eight, balding fellow-ginger, he’s hardly male-model material. But he understands that attraction is about giving women good emotions, not about a guy’s looks. Early in my dating education, I took his boot camp in San Diego. At one club, I watched Cook make out with three different women he had just met—all of them SoCal stunners, all in under ninety minutes.

While nowhere near his level at the time, I landed a fistful of phone numbers that weekend, as well as my first instant make-out, which is when you boldly walk up to a woman and, if you read the signals, start kissing in seconds. That weekend taught me that it’s not about looks.

But as men, we get hung up on this myth for a couple reasons. First, it’s societal conditioning. We’re told that good looks are paramount in dating.

Also, we tend to value physical beauty in women more than women value it in us. Why? Men are very visual—we love a pretty face and an attractive figure.

There’s also the ego factor. Nothing puffs out your chest like hearing an envious buddy say, “Dude, your girlfriend’s hot!” Because men prioritize looks, we project our preferences onto the opposite sex and assume that women see us the same way. If you’d love to date a model-caliber woman, you might assume that those women want runway-ready guys.

Now, the typical woman would be happy to have a handsome man in her life, sure—but looks are way down on her “must” list. In one poll of 64,000 women, respondents were asked what traits they want most in a male partner, and physical attractiveness didn’t even crack the top ten.

So what’s your move? Play to your strengths!

Focusing on what you think you lack will only hurt your confidence. Play to your strengths, such as your intelligence, wit, or sense of humor.

If you make a woman laugh in a flirtatious way, she’ll find you as sexy as Brad Pitt, even if you look more like Brad Garrett.

My client Jeremy had been dateless for two years before he hired me. A restaurant worker who loves Will Ferrell movies, Jeremy is no pretty boy, as he readily admits. “I look like John C. Reilly’s uglier brother,” he told me during our first meeting.

His focus on looks blinded him to his witty, weird sense of humor, which, when he harnessed it, changed his love life. He realized he could simply approach, crack a few jokes, and girls started to dig him. One day he sent me this email:

“Connell, my mind is blown! At lunch today, I approached a pro-football cheerleader. I just chatted her up at the salad bar. Had her laughing and loving me. Phone number . . . from a cheer-babe! I feel incredible.”

Looks only matter if you let them.

APPROACH WITH CHARM, NOT SMARM

At least 10 times this week I’ve seen cute girls at my gym, but I just can’t seem to approach them. The same happens when I go out at night, especially when I see a woman who’s in a group. I just feel like they’re gonna think I’m a creep, if I go up to them. How can I get the courage up to break the ice with women, because every time that I wimp out, I just feel like such a loser.

—Gary, 41, Indianapolis

You might think that it’s creepy to approach women, but in reality, it’s creepy NOT to.

Assuming, of course, that you put your best, most authentic self out there.

Here’s a quick story. When I started learning how to attract women, I was at a trendy hotel lounge in New York City one night. My wingman challenged me to approach a table where a cute brunette and her blond friend sat with a muscular guy.

At that point, I was still nervous about talking to women, let alone dealing with a potentially pissed-off boyfriend. And this guy was huge, like a bottle of Muscle Milk made corporeal. But I summoned the courage, walked over, grabbed an empty chair, and offered a warm hello.

The brunette’s eyes widened and she leaned forward. “Oh my God! You came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are?” I thought, Umm, a creep who’s about to get his butt kicked? “You’re normal!”

She tilted her head toward a fellow sitting a couple tables away. “That guy’s been staring at us all night, and it’s creeping us out!” Oh, and the hulking dude I was worried about? Super friendly. I traded numbers with the brunette, who was as charming as she was pretty.

Most men don’t approach women, often from a fear of appearing creepy. But there’s nothing creepy about approaching.

What feels creepy to women is when a guy wants to approach, yet does nothing except stare.

Think about it: You’re a man, and men (mostly) are attracted to women. There’s nothing creepy about an authentic approach, as long as you have good intentions, and are empathetic to how the woman you just approached is feeling.

My advice? Follow the Three-Second Rule

When you’re in a social environment and you see a woman you’d love to meet, approach her immediately. Begin walking toward her within three seconds of spotting her. If you delay for too long, your Lower Self will talk you out of it, filling you with doubt.

The longer you wait, the heavier the weight.

Three, two, one . . . go!

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach helping men all over the world attract the women of their dreams. Connell's book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to approach women and how to talk to girls in an authentic way. Connell has appeared on The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. Book a meeting with Connell or purchase his book here.

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How to Approach Women.... and Get Dates Today!

Learn how to approach women: Dating coach Connell Barrett shares 20 tips to confidently approach women and get dates.

Get ready, because I’m about to give you the approach opener that works 89% of the time! (Yep, I’ve tested it.)

But first, I’m gonna read your mind. Here goes.

I’ll bet that you often see attractive women you’d love to meet—at the gym, in bars, or maybe at the grocery store. And you’d love to confidently approach them and get dates, right?

But something holds you back, and you rarely (if ever) approach. You’re not sure what to say, and you don’t want to come across as creepy. So you feel stuck.

I get it. I used to have the same problem.

It’s frustrating to see attractive women and not know how to approach them. It can hurt your confidence, and lead to a lonely, disappointing dating life.

So, let’s fix this… today! Let’s get you confidently meeting amazing women, and getting numbers and dates.

In this column, I’m gonna share 20 of my best tips to teach you how to approach women, and do it with charm and confidence.

Oh, make sure you read Tip No. 16—the “approach opener” that works 90% of the time!

These 20 tips are from my Amazon bestselling book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, a step-by-step roadmap to confidently approach and attract women.

As I write in my book, “Approaching is about more than just getting the girl. It’s about freedom. To be able to walk up to a woman and genuinely connect is liberating.”

Until you can confidently walk up to a woman and flirt as your authentic self, there’s room to grow.

You’re about to learn how to approach women, so that you can stop feeling anxiety, and start confidently getting dates with attractive women you meet at the gym, grocery store, bar, or coffee shop.

So let’s do it! Let’s learn how to approach women, and get results. Here are my top 20 tips!

How to Approach Women and Get Dates

TIP NO. 1: YES, WOMEN WANT YOU TO APPROACH

You might think that beautiful women don’t want men to approach them, but in fact they’re dying for a solid, authentic man to take that romantic risk… IF he does it with charm, and not like some “pickup” weirdo.

Attractive women get constant attention from men, but usually in the form of leers, wolf whistles, and come-ons from pickup-artist creeps.

Know this: Women don’t want EVERY man to approach them, but they’re dying for a MAN to approach them – a good-hearted, charming gentleman like you. Buy into this! (Take it from me, a guy who’s approached thousands of women.)

TIP NO. 2: ASSUME ATTRACTION

I urge you to believe in advance that a given approach will go well. It’s a Jedi mind trick that’s called “assuming attraction.”

When you walk up to her, assume that a woman will be into you. This positive expectation makes you stand taller and talk louder, often creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Women can sense that worthiness, that belief, and they like it.

When you assume attraction, you get attraction. When you assume rejection, you get rejection.

TIP NO. 3: EMBRACE “REJECTION”

Good technique is important but overrated. What you really need is to learn how to get “rejected,” but elegantly. Get rejected and laugh it off. Get rejected and feel good for trying.

Don’t take it personally, or else you might end up with more pain and fear than you started with.

There are no quick fixes in the area of approaching. Magic bullets only exist in werewolf movies.

But destroying your fear of rejection is the closest thing you’ll get to an approaching panacea because when that fear disappears, you become free to take action with confidence. And women love confident guys.

TIP NO. 4: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN—THE UPSIDES

Link tons of pleasure to approaching, and very little pain.

Right now, you probably link more pain than pleasure to approaching, and that’s what causes “approach anxiety.”

But once you link mostly pleasure, and you see those gorgeous women, your brain will quickly run down the upsides and downsides of approaching, and it will look something like this:

Upsides to Knowing How to Approach Women:

Finding love and connection  
Getting a great girlfriend  
Growing  
More confidence  
More dates  
Great sex  
Expressing your true self  
The joy of taking action

Downsides to Knowing How to Approach Women:

[*cricket noises*]

Link a LOT more pleasure to approaching, and you’ll start getting a LOT more dates.

TIP NO. 5: THE NEW WAY TO LOOK AT “APPROACHING”

Every approach is a 10 out of 10, because you either “get the girl” (win!) or you put another brick in your cathedral of your character (win!).

TIP NO. 6: OBEY THE RULE OF ONE IN THREE

There’s a concept called the Rule of One in Three. When you’re Radically Authentic with women, you naturally become polarizing.

I don’t mean in an intentionally dickish way. You just express yourself in a more raw and real style, which many people will love and some won’t. But that’s the point. You don’t want to be kinda liked by most women. You want to be loved by a subset of women.

When you get good at approaching from a truly authentic place, about one out of three girls will be very into you, and two out of three won’t be interested at all, at least in a romantic way. At this point, you’ll get three kinds of reactions:

Be liberated by this! You can brush off the brush-offs. They’re part of the path to finding the women you have chemistry with.

TIP NO. 7: BE AUTHENTIC AND POLARIZING

As I mention in my book DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, when I first began approaching, I was watering down my personality, being too safe. Lots of women thought I was pleasant and nice, but none wanted to take me home.

Once I grew bolder and more authentic, I started to experience the Rule of One in Three— sometimes in a single moment.

One night, I boldly walked up to three women who were standing at the bar.  
ME: [with confident vocal tonality] “You guys are adorable. I had to meet you. Are you friendly?”

GIRL ON LEFT: “Hey, yeah, we’re friendly.”

GIRL ON RIGHT: “I am NOT friendly.”

GIRL IN MIDDLE: “You are cute!”

And I got the middle girl’s number, thanks to the Rule of One in Three.

TIP NO. 8: BEWARE OF EXCUSES

I can’t stress this enough: Approaching will feel extremely scary to you at first, and you will try to talk yourself out of it. You’ll see that Jessica Alba lookalike at the bar, walk toward her with the perfect opening line on your tongue, and at the last moment you’ll tell yourself, “Gosh, I really need to go do my taxes.”

That’s your Lower Self pouring poison in your ear. Do not listen.

I’m not trying to psych you out. I just want you to be ready when your brain manufactures a “good” excuse not to talk to that Wow Girl. Be ready and chat her up anyway.

TIP NO. 9: OFFER AUTHENTIC VALUE 

Simply put, be you, and try to make her day/night better than before she met you.

Be sincere and authentic. Crack jokes. Show your playful side. As I said in Ask Men, women want a fun, emotional vibe from men—not a logical energy.

TIP NO. 10: WHAT MAKES HER FASCINATING?

When talking with her, look for things you have in common and share emotional experiences. A former dating coach of mine gave me a great tip that I still use: “Find out what makes her fascinating.” If a woman feels that you “get” her, she’ll feel more connected to you.

Lots of guys want her. You’ll be the guy who understands her, and that’s way more powerful.

TIP NO. 11: GO FOR IT! 

If you like her, go for what you want—a number, a date, a dance-floor make-out. Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Lead things somewhere. It’s about playing to win, rather than playing not to lose.

One summer afternoon, I was wingmanning for my client, Michael, 30, who was on a park bench talking to a woman he’d just met. I left for a few minutes, and when I got back, she was alone. I found Michael sitting not far away, his shoulders slumped, his face in his hands.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I screwed up,” he said. “I chickened out and didn’t ask her out. I just left. I suck!”

“It’s all good,” I said. “She’s still there. It’s not too late. Let me ask you—if you went back over there, what would you say to her if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

He said, “I would tell her that I wimped out because I got scared, but that I’d love to take her out.” 

“Perfect,” I said. “There she is. Go!” 

He re-approached her, and got her number, date set.

Don’t settle for just a nice conversation. Go for it!

TIP NO. 12: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN: THE ART OF OPENING

Your opener does not have to be clever or fancy—just good enough to get her to respond. I’ve begun conversations with openers as simple as these:

Hi
You have great style.  
How’s your night going?  
I feel awesome today, and I had to share it with you.  
What book are you reading?  
Is this the coolest club around here?  
Whoa, this line is long.

Being clever or funny is a nice bonus, but it’s just not necessary. Simple and clear is best.

My client Oscar was having a drink with friends at a Miami lounge when he saw Anastasia, a tall, intelligent pharmaceutical rep. He approached her, they liked each other, and later left the bar together.

His opener was a simple, “Damn, who are you?”

TIP NO. 13: TRY DIRECT OPENERS

Oscar used a “direct opener,” which means that your words and/or vibe convey clear romantic interest from the get-go. Here are examples of direct openers.

Hi, I saw you and had to meet you.  
You’re absolutely adorable.  
You’re gorgeous. Who are you?  
I’m here to flirt with you.  
You’re sexy.

Upside to being direct: There’s no chance of the friend zone. Whether or not she’s attracted to you, she’ll know why you’re talking to her.

TIP NO. 14: BEING DIRECT DOES NOT MEAN BE VULGAR

If you open in a direct way, don’t make it about her body, and don’t say anything about sexual acts. “You’re sexy” is about as blunt as you want to be.  

TIP NO. 15: BE INDIRECT

“Going indirect” means that you don’t explicitly state romantic interest up front. You might make small talk or give her a friendly compliment. You don’t hide your intentions; you just don’t lead with them. Here are some indirect openers.

How’s your night going?  
I dig your boots/jacket/style.  
Isn’t this song great?  
How’s that book you’re reading?  
Your hair looks amazing.

Upside to being indirect: It opens the door to a lot more conversations since you don’t get as many blowouts. This helps you gain experience, build confidence, and talk to more women, which gives you more dating opportunities.

TIP NO. 16: USE THE “COMPLIMENT + QUESTION” OPENER

Here’s my favorite way to approach a woman. It gets a good response and starts a conversation 89% of the time, in research I’ve done with my clients.

And you can use it anywhere, from the gym to the grocery store to the bar on Saturday night.

Give her a power compliment—that’s NOT about her looks—and follow up with a “why” question.

Notice something about her that you like—say, her leather skirt, her tattoo, her pink Chuck Taylors, or confident vibe. And compliment her on that thing. And then ask her a “why” question.

The follow-up question is key, otherwise she may merely thank you for the compliment and go on her way. A “why” question leads to a conversation, which can lead to a phone number and a date.

Example: You’re at Starbucks on a Saturday afternoon, and standing next to you is a brunette beauty waiting on her chai latte.

Ask yourself, “What do I like or notice about her?” (Umm, besides her curves.) Answer: She has a tattoo of the Eiffel Tower on her wrist. Compliment her on the tatt, and ask her a “why” question about it.

It would go something like this: “Excuse me, miss. I really like your tattoo. Very cool design.” She’ll say thanks. “I’m curious,” you continue. “Why did you choose that design?”

She may reply with something like, “Well, I went to Paris last summer, and the trip changed my life!” Boom! You’re off and running.

“Why” questions are better than “yes/no” questions because they make people dig deeper for the answer, which leads to a more engaging conversation.

The “Compliments + Question” opener works just about anywhere, from quiet cafes to loud bars. Give it a try.

TIP NO. 17 SHOW CLEAR ROMANTIC INTEREST

After you open in an indirect way, within a minute or two, start to pepper the conversation with a flirty comment or two, such as “Wow, you have a sexy laugh. Anyway . . .”  or “What do you do, when you’re not making handsome  men flirt with you?”  

TIP NO. 18: SHE’S TALKING TO YOU . . . NOW WHAT?

It’s simple: Keep the conversation about you and her.

Now, if you used an indirect opener, you can talk for a bit about the icebreaker topic—say, the book she’s reading or boots she’s wearing. Then change subjects. A simple way to do that is to introduce yourself and shake hands. This lets you bridge to the next topic.

TIP NO. 19: ANSWER YOUR OWN QUESTIONS

Beware of “interview mode,” where you pummel a woman with questions, and offer little about yourself.

A simple way to fix this is to answer some of your own question, especially if she’s not asking you many questions.

You: “What do you do?”

Her: “I’m a nurse at XYZ hospital.”

You, answering your own question: “Oh, cool. I’m a software engineer at XYZ company…”

It’s totally normal to ask questions. It shows interest. Just beware of interview mode.

TIP NO. 20: HOW TO APPROACH WOMEN? GET COACHING!

If you want to get great at approaching women, here’s one more tip: Book a free call with me right now. Simply grab a time that works for you, and you and I can hop on the phone. Just go to this link:

www.datingtransformation.com/contact

If we’re a good fit to work together, I will personally teach you my latest, greatest tips on how to approach women, so that you can attract an amazing girlfriend.

Book a free call today! Click here.

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How to Talk to Girls: 23 Ways to Attract Your Ideal Girlfriend

Dating coach Connell Barrett shares 23 tips to teach you how to talk to girls… and never run out of things to say.

I’m about to give you the blueprint to teach you how to talk to girls, and start creating sparks—on dates, when you text, and when you approach. It’s the most popular chapter in my book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, and I’m gonna give you some of the best stuff here, for free.

But first, a quick story about my client Trevor.

As he sat in the candlelit wine bar waiting for Becca to arrive, Trevor could feel his nerves churn. It was their first date, and he was excited to meet the successful chef he’d matched with on Bumble.

She wasn’t just a beautiful brunette; she was quick and witty.

But Trevor had been struggling with women. He never knew what to say or how to flirt on dates. Girl after girl sent him the same message: “You seem great, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection.”

“I’m lost,” Trevor confessed to me in our first conversation. “I don’t know how to talk to girls, and it’s so frustrating.”

This night would be different, though, because Trevor had learned the secret that I had taught him about how to talk to girls.

He had honed what I call Man-to-Woman Communication—a turbocharged form of flirting that amplifies romantic connection, and helps you to always know what to say.

Becca walked in and found Trevor to be warm and roguish, while he was impressed by her easy confidence.

He gently teased her for running a few minutes late (“You owe me a drink for every minute you were late”), and she laughed.

He was playful, authentic, and teased her a few times. When Becca looked at his button-down shirt, he pretended to be offended. “My eyes are up here,” he said with a sly grin. “Please stop objectifying me.” She giggled and punched his arm.

They bonded over their passions for cooking and yoga. During their second drink, Trevor took her hand and intertwined their fingers, and Becca tossed her leg over his.

He moved closer and whispered his authentic thoughts into her ear: “You’re even cooler than I was hoping.”

Minutes later, they were kissing, with half the bar shooting them “Get a room” glances.

Before they left, Becca suggested their next get-together—a private couple’s massage at her favorite spa. Not a bad second date.

Walking home, Trevor felt a heady buzz of romance, Belgian beer, and freedom. He had finally figured out how to talk to girls, and create those romantic sparks.

Just like Trevor, you can learn to consistently ignite that romantic connection with women using Man-to-Woman Communication—the breezy, flirty frequency that helps you always know what to say, both IRL and when texting.

You see, most men talk to women on a safe, Friend-to-Friend frequency. That stifles chemistry, and leads to the dreaded Friend Zone.

But when you switch over to the Man-to-Woman wavelength, it’s a one-way ticket to romantic connection.

So if you’ve ever felt, “I want to know how to talk to girls,” read on. Here are 23 ways…

And make sure you try out no. 7, which is my personal favorite!

How To Talk To Girls in 23 Ways

Get this Book & Attract Your Dream Girlfriend

GET THE BOOK

TIP NO. 1: SHOW CLEAR INTEREST

Other than “Be Radically Authentic,” which is my dating mantra, the first rule is to show clear interest.

It can be as simple as saying, “Let’s go on a date,” rather than “Let’s hang out.” On the date, don’t hide your feelings. Tell her or show her that you think she’s sexy or cool.

Clarity helps you set the M-W frame, and helps unlock your flirty self.

TIP NO. 2: BE THE BUYER, NOT THE SELLER

Men often try to “sell” themselves to women they’ve just met, which can come across as desperate. It’s better to adopt a buyer-seller vibe, with you as the buyer.

If you’re at a Best Buy shopping for a new TV, you don’t try to convince the sales- man that a certain model is right for you, and you don’t try to impress him. First you see if the TV is what you’re looking for.

In the same respect, find out if a woman meets your standards. This keeps you from appearing overly eager. Be the buyer.

TIP NO. 3: SPEAK YOUR AUTHENTIC THOUGHTS… EVEN WHEN IT’S SCARY!

We’re all searching for truth and realness, so get in the habit of sharing scary but honest feelings with women— as long as it’s not vulgar or negative, of course.

This emotional nakedness can be powerful, and by going first, you free your date to do the same. Such phrases often start out like this:

“You know what I like about you . . .”  

“Here’s what scares me the most . . .”  

“I want to share something with you, but I’m not sure if I should . . .”

TIP NO. 4: TALK THE TALK

Learning how to talk to girls isn’t just about the words you use. The way you use your voice conveys your confidence level, so cultivate a rich, resonant tonality.

Record conversations with a friend and listen to your voice for flaws such as “uptalking” (when statements sound like questions) and excessive ums and uhs.

When speaking to someone, imagine another person is directly behind them and talk loud enough that both of them can hear you. This will help you project your voice, since chances are your voice shuts down a little when speaking to a woman you find attractive.

TIP NO. 5: BE PHYSICALLY EXPRESSIVE

You can “talk” with your body and physicality. Physical expressiveness is a simple, powerful way to create a M-W vibe.

You can high-five, hold her hand, tap her arm, touch her thigh, whisper in her ear, or brush the hair from her eyes, among other ways—assuming, of course, that she’s made it clear that she’s comfortable with this, is enjoying it, and also reciprocates.

We’re humans. We touch. You want to be physically expressive in a way that makes her feel safe and comfortable.

TIP NO. 6: TEASE HER

Light, playful teasing can amplify attraction. So if you’re a natural ballbuster, like I am, tease her a bit and see if she responds well. Avoid areas that could bring offense, like her appearance, family, job, or pets. (I once called a woman’s dog a “little rat,” and she almost got up and left.) Stick to less touchy topics like her taste in movies, TV shows, or music.

For a lot more on how teasing can get cute girls chasing you, check out my book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T.

TIP NO. 7: USE THE PUSH-PULL

My personal favorite!

Teases and compliments are both effective tools. A “push-pull” combines one of each. The positive comment “pulls” her closer to you, while the tease playfully “pushes” her away.

Push: Playfully showing disinterest. 

Pull: Showing interest. 

Push-Pull: A light, joking comment that blends both.  It works because the contrast of the positive and negative creates a compelling, surprising curiosity. It makes the brain happy.

The title of my book is a push-pull: “DATING SUCKS [push] BUT YOU DON’T [pull].) A push-pull gives her an emotionally layered experience. It’s two great tastes that taste great together—the Reese’s Cup of flirting.

Here are some push-pull examples:

“You’re either the coolest girl I’ve met in a while or the nerdiest. I’m just not sure which one yet.”
“I was falling for you until you said [comment she made].”
“You’re so cute—you remind me of my little sister.”
“We should go on a date, as long as you promise not to stalk me.”

Avoid using rehearsed push-pulls; the best ones arise in the moment.

TIP NO. 8: FLIRT, DON’T FAWN

An easy mistake to make is fawning—being too impressed by a woman too quickly. Such comments might include, “You are just so amazing,” “I’ve never met anyone like you,” and “Wow, you are so beautiful!”

Those things are fine to say after you’ve gotten close, but if you lay it on too thick too soon, you can come across as her groupie, not her equal. That’s a big turn-off.

So don’t fawn. Flirt. I define flirting as showing a woman that she’s affecting you but in a casual, no-big-deal way. This makes her feel sexy and attractive, without putting her on a pedestal. Here are examples of being affected by her but not fawning over her.

“Sorry, what did you say? Your lips were distracting me.”  

“That dress is very . . . wow. Anyway . . .”

TIP NO. 9: TEXT A WOMAN AS YOU WOULD A GOOD FRIEND

Grab your phone and find a recent text exchange with a good friend. I’ll bet your tone with your pal is relaxed and light, maybe with a joke or good-natured jibe tossed in, right? This is because you’re being authentic, not trying to impress. You want to text a woman the same way, but with a little romantic interest thrown in.

TIP NO. 10: ADD A DASH OF COCKINESS

Back in the day, I spent more time in the friend zone than Jerry Rice spent in the end zone.

Adding a dash of cockiness helped me escape. I’m a natural-born smart-ass, but I was hiding that side of me on dates. So when I met Amy on Match, I let that snarky side come out. On our first date, I teased her, accusing her of checking out my (nonexistent) ass.

The next day, I texted, “I just want you to know that you had a great time last night and you’d like to see me again.” She loved it. Our chemistry was like fireworks on the Fourth.

If you have a cheeky side, let women see it. Just make sure you combine cocky comments with humor, or else you can come across as pompous.

TIP NO. 11: GIVE HER A DEALBREAKER

A fun way to spike a date is to take an innocent detail about her and pretend—playfully, of course—that it’s a deal breaker.  

HER: I’m more of a cat person than a dog person.  

YOU: What? No! That’s a deal breaker. I knew you were too good to be true.  

HER: No, I like dogs! I just love cats more.  

YOU: Sorry, I don’t think I can be with someone who has a coat made of Dalmatians.  

HER: [laughing] No, I really do love dogs.

In addition to generating fun banter, giving your date little challenges can make her “chase” you a bit, getting her more invested in winning you over. And it’s a truism that the more invested in something a person is, the more they want that something.

TIP NO. 12: MOVE YOUR EYES IN A “7” PATTERN

When it comes to “how to talk to girls,” you can “talk” with your eyes.

To dial up the sexual tension, move your eyes in a “7” pattern— that is, from her right eye to her left eye and down to her lips. This will amplify your attraction to her.

Emotions are contagious—what you feel, a woman will feel. If you let yourself get lost in her baby blues, you can transfer the desire that you feel onto her.

TIP NO. 13: GIVE HER A NICKNAME

“Troublemaker.” “Kiddo.” “Freckles.” Giving a nickname to someone means you know and like them, and it suggests familiarity. The night I met my future girlfriend Carrie, she started calling me “Ginger-Man,” and it made me even more into her. (Damn, this stuff works on me, too!)

TIP NO. 14: MAKE HER THE SEDUCER

I love to misinterpret an innocent comment as “evidence” that my date wants to seduce me. A lot of women love this.

By flipping the male-female dynamic and accusing her of objectifying you, you subtly tell her, “I’m not like those guys.” Also, it takes things from a logical, Friend-to-Friend context to M-W. And it’s just fun.  

HER: I recently redid my bedroom . . .  

YOU: Listen, I’m not going to bed with you tonight. I know I’m sexy, but we just met, so let’s take it slow.  

Look for opportunities to say the kinds of things to women that women always tell horned-up guys. (As a joke! You’re not actually accusing her of anything.) Some examples . . .

“Umm, my eyes are up here.” “Just so you know, I don’t hold hands until the third date.” “Stop trying to kiss me—I’m a gentleman, not a piece of meat.”

TIP NO. 15: TELL PERSONAL STORIES

We’re hardwired to love stories. So the art of learning how to talk to girls includes sharing good anecdotes from your life.

An interesting personal story makes you more charismatic, holds her interest, and invites her to share her own stories. Here are some storytelling tips.

Follow a three-part structure: setting, conflict, resolution.

Here’s a story from my teenage years that I’ve told on many dates: “I was in study hall in high school [setting] before a geometry test. I knew I wasn’t ready, and if I failed I’d end up in summer school [conflict]. So I went to the nurse and pretended to have back spasms. When my parents came, instead of taking me home, they took me to the hospital for X-rays. And the doctor diagnosed me with scoliosis—for fake back spasms! [resolution]”  

Details bring a story to life, making it more vivid. Include lots of specifics.

7 BONUS TIPS! HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS ON FIRST DATES

There’s an old expression: To be interesting, be interested. In a 2017 study, researchers at Harvard found that people who asked questions in one-on-one situations, including first dates, were seen as more likable than those who didn’t ask questions.

On first dates, arm yourself with some good questions. It helps your date open up, helping you learn what makes her special and interesting. This can help you connect over shared experiences. (“What? Your first concert was Coldplay? Mine too!”)

Here are 7 great first-date questions, to help you always know how to talk to girls whom you’ve just met.

“What do you love most about your job/career?”

This question lets you both talk about work in a positive, emotionally evocative way, rather than boringly asking, “What do you do?”

“What’s your hidden talent?”

This allows her to show off a bit while also revealing a secret—and sharing small secrets builds trust on first dates.

“What’s your dream travel destination?”

Hey, everyone likes talking travel. It’s aspirational, and the two of you might find out you’re both just dying to see Machu Picchu.

“Who would you want to play you in the movie of your life?”

This question caters to her ego—and the actress that she chooses will clue you in on how she see herself.

“Who did you see for your first concert?”

Music is a great first-date topic. Prepare to be impressed when she mentions Beyoncé, or playfully tease her when she admits that it was Nickelback.

“Who was your first kiss?”

Everyone remembers their first kiss. This question takes things in a romantic direction, but also keeps the vibe innocent.

“What’s the craziest place you’ve hooked up?”

If things are going well and you’re both opening up, feel free to ask this riskier, PG-13 question, which can help spark a sexy vibe. Just be ready to answer your own question!

BONUS TIP: GET COACHING!

If you want to learn how to talk to girls, here’s one more tip: Book a free call with me right now. Simply grab a time that works for you, and you and I can hop on the phone. Just go to this link:

Application

If we’re a good fit to work together, I will personally teach you my latest, greatest tips on how to talk to girls, so that you can attract an amazing girlfriend.

Book a free call today! Click here.

Book a Free Call & Attract Amazing Women!

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Nice Guys Finish First

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on gaining instant confidence, how nice guys finish first and date quality girls, and turning a “rejection” into a first date.

Nice Guys Finish First

The Power of being Radically Authentic

Connell, I loved the chapter in your book about being “Radically Authentic.” I really like the sound of that, because I’m a man who just does NOT want to be some phony “pickup artist” type of guy. Can you share some practical tips about how to be Radically Authentic?

—Jake, 37, Indianapolis

Jake, it’s fairly simple: Being truly Radically Authentic is about ripping off those masks that most men wear with women and instead showing her your very best, most real and true you.

I speak from experience. I wore a lot of masks over the years. Consider my dates with a woman named Laura, whom I met back when I was trying to crack the code of dating success. I was super into her. She was the pretty much the perfect combo of smart and sexy, and she was quick with a witty one-liners. After our first date or two, I was totally smitten, pretty much scribbling “Connell + Laura” on my Trapper Keeper notebook.

But I felt out of my league with her—a minor-league ballplayer in Fenway Park. What would a bright beauty like her see in a nerd like me? She was into SCUBA and mountain-hiking, so on our second date I put on a mask and pretended to be the rugged, outdoorsy guy I assumed that she wanted.

Which is to say, I made a bunch of crap up. Lies, lies, lies. I told her that I was studying to get my pilot’s license (a lie), that I was into skydiving (double lie), and that I swam with dolphins and sharks off the coast of Belize (double-dog lie.) I have a terrible poker face, and as I spewed these tall tales, my upper lip became a Slip-n-Slide of sweat. She could tell I was not being the real me. She friend-zoned me, naturally—as well she should have! Because when you feel that you’re unworthy, and you pretend to be someone you’re not, women can tell.

You must remove the mask. To quote John Updike: “A mask eats at the face.”

Yet when you’re what I call radically authentic, you relax and grow more at ease, making you more confident and attractive to women who like your type. Also, you give ladies an exciting, singular experience. After all, you’re not merely one in a million. You’re one in seven billion!

Put it like this: It’s the difference between being a watered-down wine spritzer and a glass of strong, 18-year-old Scotch.

Women want to catch a buzz on the good stuff—the top-shelf, 80-proof, barrel-aged you.

So, as I write in my book, “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” here are the (cue: drumroll….)

The 5 Steps of Radical Authenticity

Be Honest

Never, ever lie to women, and never put on a false front. Shed that mask. Instead, share your sense of humor, your stories, your points of view, your passions, your feelings, your true self. The more honest you are, the more you accept your true self, and that acceptance makes you instantly more confident. (And women LOVE confident men!)

Be Vulnerable

Let your flaws, fears, and foibles show, while fully owning them. It takes real strength to be vulnerable, and women want to date strong men.

Example of vulnerability: Instead of telling that story about the time you scored the winning touchdown, talk about the time you fumbled and LOST the game.

Take the Right Action

Align your dating actions with your words and values. As Shakespeare wrote, “Action is eloquence.”  This can be as simple as approaching a woman you find attractive and saying hello.

Be Kind

Kindness is so underrated by men. In fact, it’s the thing women want most in a guy, according to a 2019 survey of 64,000 single women. That’s right. It was no. 1, ahead of looks, money, or height. So, be nice.

Grow and Give

Both in dating and in life, the more you grow as a man, the more you give to women you meet—and the more you give, the more women want to give back to you.

As I write in my book, but it bears repeating: Your Authentic Self is King—forever may he reign.

NICE, NICE BABY

How can I stop being so nice? I’ve heard that women want to date bad boys and jerks. How can I stop being such a nice guy and start being a bad boy?

—Craig, 28, Denver

Craig, don’t do it! You may think that women all want bad boys, rather than nice guys. But that’s not the case. The truth is, nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs.

You may be thinking that women love the bad boy (and his cousin, the cocky jerk.) You know, Han Solo, Russell Brand, and the like. The swagger. The bravado. The Millennium Falcon.

Bad boys get girls giggling, twirling their hair, and giving out their numbers. But the odds of women swooning over YOU—a nice guy—are slim, right?

Wrong! The fact is, you can steal a little bad-boy mojo while still being the nice guy you are. And without getting stuck in the friend zone.

I know this because I’m a nice guy who was raised by nice parents in a nice Ohio town. I volunteer at a residence for blind people. I say please and thank you. I literally help old ladies cross the street. I’m not bragging. Just pointing out that you can be a nice guy and also be great with women.

Women are dying to date nice guys. Consider: In a Glamour magazine poll, single women chose “loyal and lovable” men as the category of guys they most want to date, at 33 percent. You know who finished second to last, at 6 percent? “Bad boys.”

I tried playing the cocky bad boy with women, and I struggled. Then one evening I met a gorgeous, glossy-haired Maxim model who opened my eyes to what women are looking for.

She was bemoaning all the narcissistic jerks she meets. “I’m so sick of arrogant, selfish men,” she said. “I’d love to meet a nice guy, but they never approach me. They’re intimidated. It’s too bad because nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs—as long as they have a back- bone.”

Did you catch that? “As long as they have a backbone.” When nice guys strike out with women, it’s not because of the niceness. It’s because they don’t convey the strength and confidence that women want.

You don’t need to wear some assholier-than-thou mask, and you don’t need to be an “alpha male.”

You need to be a nice guy with steely self-confidence.

Don’t only take my male word on this. “By the time they reach their late twenties, women are done with bad boys,” Cherlyn Chong, a relationship coach for women, told me. “They put up with dick pics, arrogance, even emotional abuse, and they just want a nice, honest guy with some form of sexy going on. A guy who’s genuine dismantles women’s walls by being respectful while unapologetically real. That’s sexy as fuck.”

In other words, nice guys finish FIRST.

FROM REJECTED TO A FIRST DATE

This is driving me crazy! I get close to a cute girl having a date on me, and then she backs out last minute. That gets me trying to talk into meeting me, and that never works. What do I say to a woman who cancels a date? Is there a way to flip it around?

—Charlie, 35, Portland, Maine

If a texting interaction isn’t going the way you want, use this move: Change her mood, not her mind.

That is, don’t use logic. Try humor or storytelling or try to tease her. Spike the interaction.

You can’t logically persuade a woman to meet you for a date – you have to strum the strings of her emotions.

For a few weeks, I had been trying for a first date with Annie—a kind, cute, private-equity real estate agent I’d connected with on a dating app. We couldn’t get our schedules aligned.

One day she sent me a polite blow-off message. I used some humor and silliness, rather than logic or pleading, and only a few messages after seemingly rejecting me, she called ME to set up a date. Here’s how I did it.

ANNIE: Hey, sorry I won’t be able to meet you. I am talking to someone else about a first date. But best of luck.

ME: No worries at all. Glad to hear you made a love connection. But I’ll have to return the engagement ring I bought you. [Ring emoji]

ANNIE: Lol. Sorry I’m just an honest person . . . But hey, perhaps it will be a terrible date.

ME: I have an idea. How about I come on the date with you! & you can give the guy you like most a rose, like on “the Bachelorette”

ANNIE: Lol! That would be different for sure. It’s too bad that you and I never connected. I just don’t like dating more than one guy.

ME: No worries. I only spent $7 on your ring so it’s OK. A fake diamond. Diamond-oid.

ANNIE: Perfect. I’m clumsy and I probably would fall and lose the ring.

ME: Phew! Then I dodged a bullet. I mean, you’re adorable and you seem cool, but if you dropped the symbol of our eternal love down in the gutter, that would hurt. [Frowning emoji]

ANNIE: LMAO. I can’t help it. I’m clumsy. 

ME: That is SO you. It’s why I proposed. 

ANNIE: Hahaha. You’re cute. Maybe I should meet you.

ME: Lol. Thanks. You’re suuuper cute. I’m just trying to keep up. You have a great sense of humor. & Don’t worry. I never propose till date no 2.

ANNIE: Haha. We should meet up. Imma call you in a min . . .

Seconds later, my phone rang, we talked for a half hour, and we had a great date three nights later that ended with her spending the night. And all I did was have fun by cracking dumb jokes, rather than try to logically convince her to meet with me, which would NOT have worked.

To change her mind, change her mood.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He's helped men all over the world find the woman of their dreams with actionable advice. His work has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. In addition, you can find him in print in Maxim, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. Ask Connell a question below!

Ask a Question

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How To Win A Girl Over On A First Date Without Being Friend Zoned

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on the secret to flirting, effective approaching, and how to win a girl over on a first date without being friend zoned.

How To Win A Girl Over On The First Date Without Being Friend Zoned

I need your help to get out of the dreaded friend zone. I rarely go out on dates, and when I do it seems I always hear some version of, “You’re a nice guy, but I’m not feeling that chemistry.” It’s starting to take a toll on my confidence. Thoughts, coach?

—Jesse, 34, Boston

The dreaded friend zone has tortured more people than the Rack. And I totally know where you’re coming from. I didn’t merely live in the friend zone. I owned vast tracts of real estate there… and paid property tax.

I had dozens of first dates that basically went nowhere, and it can really sting to receive that next day, “I’m not feeling it,” text message, especially if you felt that the date went reasonably well, with good conversation.

So, let’s handle this right here and now. Here’s how to finally free yourself from the friend zone on dates, of course, but also when you’re messaging women on the apps or over text, as well as when you’re on the phone or doing a video date.

The secret is blessedly simple. Tell her—in a true, authentic, real way—that a specific trait about her is very sexy.

And even if it scares you, I want you to use that exact word: sexy.

Friends don’t call each other sexy, but men and women who are romantically interested DO.

Let the feeling arise from a true place inside of you. A little voice may tell you, “Damn, she’s so smart/funny/cool. That’s so sexy.”

Tell her! Yes, even if you feel a little fear.

Telling a woman that she’s sexy sends her a loud, clear, confident message that lets her know, “I’m not here to be ‘just friends.’ I want something more than that.”

A real, radically authentic man must summon the cojones to show his romantic intent, in a charming, empathetic way. This lets your date know that you’re interested, and also that you have the courage to be vulnerable, and to take that risk.

And women both want to feel sexy, and they want to date confident, risk-taking men.

So, for her, it’s a win-win.

If you’re thinking, “Won’t I sound creepy?” No, not if it’s a TRAIT that you find super sexy about her, rather than just focusing on her looks or a part of her body.

Don’t misunderstand: Any woman would want to be seen as physically desirable to her type of guy. But complimenting her curves or her lips or looks is what all the other guys do.

But you? You will be that rare, insightful, courageous man who sees her inner beauty and sexiness… and women love that kind of man more than I love karaoke. (You should hear my “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”)

So, on your very next date, take a moment and notice her inner sexiness—her wicked wit or presence or silliness—and say something like, “Wow, I really like [her inner quality]. It’s really sexy.”

Tell women you meet for dates that they’re sexy—and MEAN it, saying it from an authentic place—and that’s how to win a girl over on a first date.

THE ART OF THE "DIRECT APPROACH"

I do approach women, but it doesn’t go anywhere. I say, “Hey, do you have the time?” or maybe I try to crack a joke or say something funny, but I never seem to create that spark. How do I approach with more success, to get numbers and dates?

—Troy, 29, Philadelphia

Try being more direct in your “opener”—the first words you say when approaching a woman.

When you open a conversation with a woman, it’s not as much what you say as HOW you say it. You need full commitment, and clarity that tells her why you’re talking to her.

Your opener does NOT have to be clever or fancy—just good enough to get her to respond. I’ve begun conversations with openers as simple as these:

 Hi
You have great style.  
How’s your night going?  
I feel awesome today, and I had to share it with you.  
What book are you reading?  
Is this the coolest club around here?  
Whoa, this line is long.

Being clever or funny is a nice bonus, but it’s just not necessary. Simple and clear is best.

And one of the best ways to be clear is to make your opener direct. What’s that look like? Quick story.

The next day, his impressed (and envious) buddy asked Oscar what he said to Anastasia. What amazing opener did he use on her? Oscar explained, “I just said, ‘Damn, who are you?’ My vibe was, ‘I’m into you. You into me? Cool. Let’s get outta here.’ I’m a man, and she’s a woman. Why would it NOT be like that?”

Oscar used what’s called a direct opener – meaning that his romantic intentions were clear from the get-go.

“Going direct” on your IRL opener means that your words and/or vibe convey clear romantic interest from the get-go. Here are examples of direct openers.

Hi, I saw you and had to meet you.  
You’re absolutely adorable.  
You’re gorgeous. Who are you?  
I’m here to flirt with you.  
You’re sexy and I had to say hi.

The upside to being direct: there’s no chance of the friend zone. She’ll know whether or not she’s attracted to you, and why you’re talking to her. Lots of women love direct men, so it can ignite instant interest. And it can feel freeing to shed weighty expectations and just be real with women from the start, rather than trying to find something witty or clever.

The downside to being direct: it’s a polarizing technique, so plenty of women will reject you right away. If she’s not available or just not in the mood, she’ll hold up a big, fat stop sign. Either sparks will fly or she will—as she walks away.

Quick Tip: Directness is not a license to be vulgar. If you go direct, don’t make it about her body, and don’t say anything about sexual acts. “You’re sexy” is about as blunt as you want to be.  

Yes, it takes a shot of courage (if not Jim Beam) to deliver a direct approach. But when it lands, and a woman shows you that clear, immediate interest, it’s worth it.

YOUR PLACE OR MINE?

When I meet a woman out at night, at the bars, what’s the best way to get her back to my place?

—Martin, 41, Hartford, Conn.

I have a crazy take on this: Ask her!

Be transparent. Never hide your intentions or try to manipulate her. It’s dishonest and ineffective.

Once, while leaving a club with a girl I had just met, I took a pickup coach’s advice and gave her intentionally vague details about where we were going. “I’m taking you someplace you will love,” I said as we got in a cab, implying that we were heading to another bar.

When we pulled up in front of my apartment building, she was disappointed. “You know, you could have just invited me over,” she said. “I would have said yes.” I felt sketchy.

When you want to invite a woman you just met to come back to your place, do two things. First, invite her to another spot—grab another drink, go get pizza—so that you can both get more comfortable with each other.

Next, as things are winding down there, be sincere. Say, “I’m having so much fun with you, and I don’t want the night to end. Want to come over and [fun, PG-rated thing you can do]?”

It’s not about the “thing,” of course. It’s about the two of you getting more time together. Learning how to win a girl over on a first date isn’t hard. It just takes an honest, direct, and committed approach.

Want some tips on dating tips for shy guys or flirty questions to ask a girl? Read Connell's column here and subscribe so you never miss an update!

Want to be coached by Connell? Order the book Dating Sucks But You Don't, and learn how to approach women and how to get a girlfriend here. It comes with incredible bonuses like live group coaching!

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Dating App Tips For Guys

Dating coach Connell Barrett explains dating app tips for guys from how to take better Tinder photos and what to write on your bio, to a secret weapon on Bumble.

DATING APP TIPS FOR GUYS

Connell, do you have any tips on taking good Tinder photos that can get me some matches and results—instead of crickets?

—Floyd, 36, Harrisburg, Pa.

Let’s kick off this special online-dating-themed column by discussing something very important. On Tinder and the apps, It’s all about your featured photo – it’s the most important piece of real estate on your profile.

You want to make your first photo a high-quality portrait, showing you at your most attractive, dateable best. Nothing works better than a magnetic portrait, when it comes to getting more good matches.

The image should be crisp, clear, and bright, ideally shot with natural light, which tends to be more flattering than artificial light.

Also, you’ll want to zoom in close and shoot from the waist or chest up. Look at the lens—eye contact increases the sense of connection with the audience.

And smile—a REAL smile, not a fake, forced smile. Leave the smoldering glares to Zoolander. The closer you get to the lens, the better.

Also, in your photos, dress first-date great. Wear what you would wear to a first date that you’re excited about.

As for what NOT to do?

Avoid wearing sweat pants, baseball caps, cargo shorts, or anything that’s too casual. And selfies are not a good idea for most people, because the angle tends to be less than flattering, and can give some people a “double chin.”

Don’t wear sunglasses. The other person wants to see your eyes, because that helps to increase a sense of connection. Oh! And don’t post a shot of you holding the fish you just caught.

These are very clichéd images that women see a lot. The typical woman does not want to date the captain from “Jaws.”

But if you follow these tips, you’ll be able to reel in a LOT more matches, and get a lot more dates.

THE WRITE STUFF

I feel like my Tinder photos are good, but never know what to write on my bio. Got any advice?

—Frank, Iowa City

What makes for a good bio?

A great bio has what I call the 3 Ps. Passions, Personality, and Playfulness. Let’s break these down, one by one.

PASSION

Passionate people are attractive. You want to write about the things you’re excited about – skiing, live music, your dog, Bill Murray movies… anything!

And get specific. Don’t just say, “I love to travel.” That’s everyone. Go deeper. Say, “I love backpacking through Italy” or “I can’t wait to visit Machu Picchu next month!”

PERSONALITY

You want your true, real personality to come out. So make your bio sound conversational. Write like you talk. Sound like you, not like a “dating ad.”

This comes down to making a shift, away from dry, logical, informational facts, and instead communicating on a more emotional level, by injecting your TRUE personality into your profile.

Here’s an example from my Bumble profile. Feel free to use it, if this sounds like you. My profile reads, “I won’t send you a dick pic, but I MIGHT send you a duck pic.”

Girls love this because it’s light, silly, and it reflects my authentic, “Dad Joke” personality.

PLAYFULNESS

And be playful. Crack a joke. Be silly. Playfulness is an attractive trait. Here’s a line from the bio of my client, Jared, who is getting a LOT of matches on Hinge:

“Just so you know, I’ve been in jail – but it was during a Monopoly game. ;)”

If you show your passions, your personality, and playfulness, it’s hard NOT to get matches and dates.

What makes for a bad bio?

Avoid clichés! Don’t write, “Giving this a try” or “seeking a partner in crime” -- unless you’re an actual bank robber. Generic greetings like “Whattup?” will fall flat.

Another turn-off? Writing “I’m bad at bios.” Would you buy an iPhone if Apple’s slogan was “We’re bad at technology”?

And no quoting your favorite movie or TV show. Great, you like “The Office”—most of humanity does.

Follow the three Ps to get more matches, more dates, and to start making online-dating fun!

YOUR SECRET WEAPON ON BUMBLE AND TINDER

OK, what’s the biggest mistake in writing a bio that most guys don’t even know they’re making? I must be doing something wrong, because I DO get matches with women, but they either don’t send that opener, on Bumble, or they don’t reply at all. Help!

—Niko, 33, Tallahassee

Great question, Niko.

There’s one simple but powerful thing that almost NO guys do, and it helps so much in terms of getting women writing to YOU… especially on Bumble. But it’s also an effective strategy on Tinder, Hinge, or just about any app.

You want to include a “Call to Action” somewhere on your profile, ideally at the end of your bio. (But you can also put the Call to Action” in as a prompt.)

End your bio with a fun Call to Action that compels her to match with you, and also helps her know what to write. This is especially important on Bumble, where women send the first message; you’re helping her write her opener to you.

“Would you rather” questions work well because they’re playful and easy to answer. Such as, WYR…

…have dinner with Lennon or McCartney?

…shower in Evian or swim in Cristal?

…date the Tin Man or Scarecrow?

…eat a potato, or BE a potato?

Calls to Action can simply tell her what you want her to do, the same way we’re all told to “Call now!” or “Like and subscribe.”

The secret? Make her WANT to swipe, by mentioning something fun to talk about.

“Swipe right if you love Ben & Jerry’s.”

“Swipe right if you’re too sexy for this app.”

“What kind of puppy should I get? Message me!”

“Tell me . . . Thin-crust or deep-dish? (Pressure. There IS a right answer.)”

Start using a call to action, and you’ll soon be getting a lot more “action,” in terms of messages and options.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He's helped men all over the world discover how to find the women of their dreams through dating app tips for guys and authentic dating advice. His work has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. In addition, you can find him in Maxim, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. Read his book Dating Sucks But You Don't.

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