How to Compliment a Girl

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on how to compliment a girl, why your looks just don’t matter, and a simple tip to confidently approach women.

How to Compliment a Girl

Connell, I really need to know how to compliment a girl. I know from your book that it’s important to create a “man-to-woman” frame when you’re talking to a woman, but every time I want to compliment someone, I worry that I’ll come across as needy or overeager. When it comes to learning how to compliment a girl, what’s the right way?

—Jason, 40, Tampa, Fla.

Ah, how to compliment a girl? It’s one of life’s age-old questions, right up there with, “Is there life after death?” and “Why the HELL did Game of Thrones’ final season suck so bad?”

Fear not, Jason. It’s actually very simple to compliment a girl, whether you’re on a date, chatting in a social environment, or just texting back and forth on a dating app.

A fantastic way to do it is to pay her a Power Compliment. It should be three things: sincere, specific, and not about her physical attributes.

Does she have a cool tattoo? Stylish leather boots? An awesome Springsteen T-shirt? Tell her what you noticed and why you’re impressed. (“I love Bruce, too. He was my first concert.”)  

There’s nothing wrong with appreciating a woman’s physical beauty, but women want to be appreciated for what’s inside. Let her know an inner quality that you like about her. Are you impressed by her smarts, wits, sense of humor, or caring heart? Tell her.

Lots of guys have told her how beautiful she is on the outside. Be that rare man who also sees the beauty within.  

That’s how to compliment a girl, in a way that she’ll love.

WHY YOUR LOOKS DON’T MATTER

I’ll be blunt. I’m not a good-looking guy. I have a big nose, and also some scarring on my neck from an accident from childhood. And my looks really hurt me in the confidence department. I almost never talk to women, I haven’t had a girlfriend in years, and I don’t bother with online dating. I figure, “What’s the point? It’s all about being great-looking.” But I’m so lonely and low in confidence. Can you give me any tips? Or just some hope?

—Michael, 37, Nashville

Michael, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. I used to think I just didn’t have the looks or washboard abs that women want.

But the truth is your looks are way, way overrated, when it comes to dating success, and attracting a great girlfriend.

That’s right—your looks don’t matter.

Hey, if you’re a guy who has chiseled, Hemsworthian features, good on you. But take it from a fellow who’s dated some beautiful women despite resembling a Weasley brother: Your looks don’t matter all that much—unless you make them matter.

If you stop and think, you’ll find that the old Joe Jackson song “Is She Really Going Out with Him?” rings true. How often have you seen a head-turning woman with a regular-looking guy? Lots, I’ll bet. There are many high-profile examples, too, from past and present. Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. Pete Davidson and Half of Hollywood.

I used to buy into the whole “looks matter” myth, which is partially why I married a woman I wasn’t in love with. I wanted to be single and date around, but I felt I wasn’t attractive enough to do that, so I settled. And she rightly dumped me nine weeks later.

When I started hiring coaches and getting some good wingmen, I met tons of not-hot guys—chubby, scrawny, short—who were attracting sexy women.

The first time I saw a “regular” guy getting rock-star results, I almost rubbed my eyes and questioned reality. Owen Cook was an old-school pickup artist whom I’d read about in The Game. (He’s left behind pickup artistry to focus solely on self-development.)

A five-foot-eight, balding fellow-ginger, he’s hardly male-model material. But he understands that attraction is about giving women good emotions, not about a guy’s looks. Early in my dating education, I took his boot camp in San Diego. At one club, I watched Cook make out with three different women he had just met—all of them SoCal stunners, all in under ninety minutes.

While nowhere near his level at the time, I landed a fistful of phone numbers that weekend, as well as my first instant make-out, which is when you boldly walk up to a woman and, if you read the signals, start kissing in seconds. That weekend taught me that it’s not about looks.

But as men, we get hung up on this myth for a couple reasons. First, it’s societal conditioning. We’re told that good looks are paramount in dating.

Also, we tend to value physical beauty in women more than women value it in us. Why? Men are very visual—we love a pretty face and an attractive figure.

There’s also the ego factor. Nothing puffs out your chest like hearing an envious buddy say, “Dude, your girlfriend’s hot!” Because men prioritize looks, we project our preferences onto the opposite sex and assume that women see us the same way. If you’d love to date a model-caliber woman, you might assume that those women want runway-ready guys.

Now, the typical woman would be happy to have a handsome man in her life, sure—but looks are way down on her “must” list. In one poll of 64,000 women, respondents were asked what traits they want most in a male partner, and physical attractiveness didn’t even crack the top ten.

So what’s your move? Play to your strengths!

Focusing on what you think you lack will only hurt your confidence. Play to your strengths, such as your intelligence, wit, or sense of humor.

If you make a woman laugh in a flirtatious way, she’ll find you as sexy as Brad Pitt, even if you look more like Brad Garrett.

My client Jeremy had been dateless for two years before he hired me. A restaurant worker who loves Will Ferrell movies, Jeremy is no pretty boy, as he readily admits. “I look like John C. Reilly’s uglier brother,” he told me during our first meeting.

His focus on looks blinded him to his witty, weird sense of humor, which, when he harnessed it, changed his love life. He realized he could simply approach, crack a few jokes, and girls started to dig him. One day he sent me this email:

“Connell, my mind is blown! At lunch today, I approached a pro-football cheerleader. I just chatted her up at the salad bar. Had her laughing and loving me. Phone number . . . from a cheer-babe! I feel incredible.”

Looks only matter if you let them.

APPROACH WITH CHARM, NOT SMARM

At least 10 times this week I’ve seen cute girls at my gym, but I just can’t seem to approach them. The same happens when I go out at night, especially when I see a woman who’s in a group. I just feel like they’re gonna think I’m a creep, if I go up to them. How can I get the courage up to break the ice with women, because every time that I wimp out, I just feel like such a loser.

—Gary, 41, Indianapolis

You might think that it’s creepy to approach women, but in reality, it’s creepy NOT to.

Assuming, of course, that you put your best, most authentic self out there.

Here’s a quick story. When I started learning how to attract women, I was at a trendy hotel lounge in New York City one night. My wingman challenged me to approach a table where a cute brunette and her blond friend sat with a muscular guy.

At that point, I was still nervous about talking to women, let alone dealing with a potentially pissed-off boyfriend. And this guy was huge, like a bottle of Muscle Milk made corporeal. But I summoned the courage, walked over, grabbed an empty chair, and offered a warm hello.

The brunette’s eyes widened and she leaned forward. “Oh my God! You came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are?” I thought, Umm, a creep who’s about to get his butt kicked? “You’re normal!”

She tilted her head toward a fellow sitting a couple tables away. “That guy’s been staring at us all night, and it’s creeping us out!” Oh, and the hulking dude I was worried about? Super friendly. I traded numbers with the brunette, who was as charming as she was pretty.

Most men don’t approach women, often from a fear of appearing creepy. But there’s nothing creepy about approaching.

What feels creepy to women is when a guy wants to approach, yet does nothing except stare.

Think about it: You’re a man, and men (mostly) are attracted to women. There’s nothing creepy about an authentic approach, as long as you have good intentions, and are empathetic to how the woman you just approached is feeling.

My advice? Follow the Three-Second Rule

When you’re in a social environment and you see a woman you’d love to meet, approach her immediately. Begin walking toward her within three seconds of spotting her. If you delay for too long, your Lower Self will talk you out of it, filling you with doubt.

The longer you wait, the heavier the weight.

Three, two, one . . . go!

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach helping men all over the world attract the women of their dreams. Connell's book Dating Sucks But You Don't helps men learn how to approach women and how to talk to girls in an authentic way. Connell has appeared on The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. Book a meeting with Connell or purchase his book here.

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What To Say When Asking A Girl Out

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on what to say when asking a girl out, 7 style secrets, and the power of being “Radically Authentic."

What To Say When Asking A Girl Out

Connell, I’m pretty smooth when texting women, but when it comes to what to say when asking a girl out, I always get stuck in my head. Can you give me some advice on what to text?

—Rick, 36, Cincinnati

Don’t worry about finding perfect words, Rick. You’re asking for a date, not writing Shakespearian prose. (“To Netflix or to chill—THAT is the question…”)

Here are some outrageously simple tips on what to say when asking a girl out—whether asking via text, on the phone, or in-person.

1. Never say, “So, what do YOU want to do?” Women love a man with a plan. Lead.

2. Suggest your date idea with confidence (“I know a place you’re gonna love . . .”), but make sure to listen to any objections she might raise and adjust accordingly.

3. Harness the power of the word “let’s," which allows you to lead in a non-bossy way (“Hey, let’s grab a smoothie . . .”)

4. Choose a location that’s convenient for her to get to.

5. Frame it in a way that assumes she’ll say yes if she wants to. So, no phrases like “. . . unless you don’t want to” or “. . . if you have time.”

6. Don’t start tossing out possible days for the date. If her schedule is busy, she’ll have to keep turning you down (“How about Monday? . . . Okay, Wednesday? . . . Maybe Thursday?”), which makes you look too available and too eager. Instead, give her a window of time, and use this magical phrase: “What day(s) works for you?” This way, she’ll tell you when SHE’S free.

7. Add a sweet, sincere comment such as, “It will be cool to finally meet you.” Remember: It’s not about the wine or the karaoke. It’s about the two of you getting closer.

When you put it all together, asking her out will sound something like this: “Hey, Rebecca. You like red wine, so let’s grab a couple glasses this week. I know an awesome spot not far from you. It would be cool to see you. What night works for you?”

Post Optin

7 Style Secrets That Let You Dress to Impress

I have a bad feeling that my style bites. A little help?

—Renaldo, 40, Phoenix

The right clothes help unlock your confidence. In a Men’s Health survey, 78 percent of women said that dressing well is the hottest thing a man can do. In addition, 85 percent said that a well-dressed man is sexier than a man with lots of money.

Here are seven style rules for first dates (and dating in general.)

1: Your shirts, pants, and jackets should be tailored for your body, or appear to be. The biggest style mistake men make? Baggy, ill-fitting clothes. Your duds shouldn’t be too tight, nor should they billow. Think somewhat snug.

2: Own at least one pair of quality, dark denim jeans (blue or black). And please, no pleated khakis! Be a hot guy, not a Helpful Honda Guy.

3: As for shirts, favor button-downs, polos, and quality tees. In an Esquire survey, women preferred plain white tees on a man more than any other kind of shirt.

4: Have at least one pair of fun, stylish sneakers (NOT gym shoes), such as Stan Smiths or Chuck Taylors. As for dress shoes, consider a classic loafer, brogue, or lace-up Oxford (brown or black.)

5: Be well-groomed, and smell absolutely amazing.

6: Your hair (or lack thereof) should look “on purpose,” whether you’re rocking a cool fade, or shaving your head. Consider a consultation with a hair stylist. If you’re balding, keep it very close-cropped, or go full Kojak.

7: Wear boxer-briefs. In a GQ survey, 65 percent of women preferred boxer-briefs on a man (compared to 19 percent for boxers and 5 percent for tightie-whities.) True, it’s only the first date, but it’s best to be prepared.

How To Keep it REALLY Real: Radical Authenticity

I watched one of your videos about being “Radically Authentic.” I like the sound of that, because I don’t want to be some fake, weird “pickup artist” guy. Could you go deeper about what that means?

—Nish, 31, Stockholm, Sweden

Being Radically Authentic is about removing the masks that men wear with women and showing her your best, most real self.

I wore many masks over the years. For example, take my interactions with a woman named Lisa. I met her back when I was searching for what worked with dating. I was way into her. She was the perfect combination of smart and sexy, and had some wicked one-liners. After our first date, I was schoolboy smitten, all but scribbling “Connell + Lisa” on a spiral notebook.

But I felt out of my league with her—a Toledo Mud Hen playing in Yankee Stadium. What would a bright bombshell like her see in a bookish nerd like me? She was into SCUBA and hiking, and so on our second date I pretended to be the rugged, outdoorsy guy I thought she wanted.

Which is to say, I made a bunch of shit up. I told her I was studying to get my pilot’s license (lie), loved skydiving (double lie), and swam with sharks in the Caribbean (double-dog lie.) I have a terrible poker face, and as I spun these tall tales, my forehead became a Slip-n-Slide of sweat. After that date, she friend-zoned me, of course. Because when you feel unworthy and pretend to be someone you’re not, women can tell.

You need to remove the mask.

Yet when you’re authentic, you’re at ease, making you more confident and attractive. Also, you give women a singular experience. After all, you’re not one in a million. You’re one in seven billion. It’s the difference between a watered-down wine spritzer and a strong Scotch.

Women want to catch a buzz on the good stuff—the top-shelf, 80-proof, barrel-aged you.

Here are the (drumroll please….)

5 Pillars of Radical Authenticity

Honesty

Never lie to women and never present a false front. Share your sense of humor, your points of view, your passions. The more honest you are, the more you accept your authentic self.

Vulnerability

Let your flaws, fears, and mistakes show while fully owning them. It takes strength to be vulnerable, and women love strong men.

Taking Action

Align your actions with your words and values. As Shakespeare wrote, “Action is eloquence.”

Kindness

It’s the thing women want most in a guy, according to a 2019 survey of 64,000 single women. So be nice.

Growing and Giving

In dating and in life, the more you grow, the more you give—and the more you give, the more women want to give back.

In dating, Authenticity is King—forever may he reign.

Want some tips on where to go on a first date or how to flirt with women? Read Connell's column here and subscribe so you never miss an update!

Want to be coached by Connell? Order the book Dating Sucks But You Don't, and learn how to approach women and get the girl here. It comes with incredible bonuses like live group coaching!

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He's helped men all over the world find the woman of their dreams with actionable advice such as how to get out of the friend zone. His work has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. In addition, you can find him in print in Maxim, O Magazine, and Cosmopolitan. Ask Connell a question below!

Ask a Question

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Where to Go on a First Date

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on where to go on a first date, why “alpha males” aren’t a thing, and the dating-app opener that never fails.

Where to Go on a First Date

Now that the pandemic is ending—I hope!—do you have any tips on where to go on a first date? My go-to date is dinner, but that gets expensive.

—Devlin, 27, Birmingham, Ala.

OK, pop quiz! Which of these first-date propositions sounds more inviting?

A) “Hey, how about a couple glasses of wine and some stimulating conversation?”

B) “Hey, how about an elaborate, three-hour, white-tablecloth dinner where we sit across from each other, struggle to hold a conversation, and try not to make weird chewing noises?”

Ding, ding! If you picked “A,” you’re correct! The more fun and low-stress you make the date sound, the more likely your potential partner will be into it. Drinks are a classic option, as is coffee, smoothies, or ice cream. Activity dates like bowling, karaoke, or trivia nights can also be a blast and give you built-in stuff to talk about.

For first dates, stay away from doing dinners—they’re too expensive and time-consuming, and you’re liable to feel stuck if there’s no chemistry. No movies or group dates, either. Make it just the two of you.

Avoid big and elaborate gestures as well. No gifts, poems, or standing outside her window with a boom box playing Peter Gabriel songs. That kind of rom-com stuff reeks of desperation. (There’s an Onion article titled, “Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested.” There’s a reason for that.)

Remember that the most important thing to do on a date is to have fun together. So, ideally you want to choose an activity that you really enjoy doing and at the same time, allows you to connect.

For a LOT more first-date ideas, check out my new book, "Dating Sucks but You Don't."

Post Optin

Am I Alpha Enough?

I see a lot of videos and articles about how women want to date alpha males. Is that true? What if I’m just not an alpha guy? Is there hope for me?

—Barnes, 47, Boston

There’s no hope for you. Sorry. Forget your hopes of finding a soft, warm girlfriend—unless she’s inflatable.

I kid, Barnes!

I was once in a BO-drenched Las Vegas conference room, watching a strutting “pickup artist” on-stage praising the supposed panty-dropping powers of being a dominant man. “The Alpha male gets all the tail,” he said with Johnnie Cochran flair.

But there’s a problem here: Alpha males aren’t a thing. It’s a big old myth.

The idea of the alpha male first gained credence in the 1970s when wildlife biologist L. David Mech, an expert in wolves, published a book that documented the existence of alpha wolves in the wild. Two decades later, he tried to replicate his findings, but he couldn’t.

He was horrified. It turns out, the “alpha” behavior he thought he’d observed was simply mom and dad wolves caring for their pups. Mech renounced his original findings, but it was too late; the myth of the alpha had cemented into conventional wisdom.

It’s also informed a lot of bad dating advice. There’s no concrete, scientific evidence for “alpha males” getting to mate with all the females—in any animals, including humans.

Take our close relatives the chimpanzees. Studies show that the aggressive chimp doesn’t necessarily become the group leader, and that smaller, more docile chimps become dominant by completing more feminine tasks, such as grooming other chimps. And our closest biological relatives are bonobos, apes that live in a matriarchal society. (Humans and bonobos are the only species that French kiss.)

Traits like assertiveness, courage, and boldness are absolutely essential in dating. A woman must sense your strength. But the idea of the alpha male is a myth, and a troublesome one.

At worst, alpha-male behavior stifles growth and encourages men to view women and “beta males” as inferior. At best, it leads to wearing Axe body spray, chest bumps, and saying things like “brah” and “baller.”

Reject the “alpha” mask. It just doesn’t work, plain and simple. Yes, there are times when you must take decisive action, “man up,” and make a move. But studies show that non-alpha qualities like kindness and generosity are the key indicators of fulfilling relationships.

Knock-Knock. Who is There? A Great Opener...

My openers on Tinder rarely get a reply, and it’s driving me nuts! Any all-purpose openers that you can recommend? I’m so tired of getting all excited by matches, and then never having the women reply to me.

—Max, 23, Utica, N.Y.

Behold, the dating app opener that (almost) never fails. It’s two simple words that we all know from childhood: joke-telling.

Knock-knock…

I know, I know. This shouldn’t work. But the knock-knock opener is super effective because it’s both playful, and it creates curiosity. Plus, we’re all conditioned, Pavlov-style, to reply, “Who’s there?”

The cheesier the joke, the better. I like this one, myself.

Knock-knock.

Who’s there?

Nobel.

Nobel who?

No bell! That’s why I knocked.

She will groan, and possibly mock your joke selection. But she WILL write you back.

Want some tips on how to get more swipes on Tinder or how to talk to women? Read Connell's column here and subscribe so you never miss an update!

Connell Barrett is a dating coach from NYC that specializes in actionable advice for men. He helps men all over the world find their dream woman. In fact, he's been called one of the best dating coaches in the world. Connell's dating advice has appeared in Maxim, Cosmopolitan, and more. In addition, he has been featured on Access Hollywood and the Today Show. Ask Connell a question below!

Ask a Question

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How To Get More Swipes on Tinder

Dating coach Connell Barrett gives advice on how to get more swipes on Tinder, the secret to approaching with confidence, and the way to make yourself rejection-proof.

How To Get More Swipes on Tinder

I’m struggling on Tinder. It’s weird because I got a lot of matches when I first launched my profile, and then they dried up. I upgraded with some better photos—just like you suggested—but still it’s crickets. Any idea how to get more swipes on Tinder?

—Marvin, 24, Queens, N.Y.

It’s the worst: You KNOW you have a good Tinder profile, with photos that show you looking your best, and you still don’t match with women you find attractive.

The likely culprit? Tinder’s algorithm. I talk about this in my new book, Dating Sucks but You Don’t. You see, everyone on Tinder has an internal score based on factors such as how many right-swipes you get and how often you use the app. When you’re new to Tinder, the app wants you to feel good and get mucho matches, so your profile is awarded a higher score. This gets you shown to women who also have high scores—including lots of attractive women. With a good profile, you’ll match with some real cuties.

But over time, your score degrades, and the algorithm stops showing you to the best of the best. So that means you can upgrade your photos and profile but still not have your profile shown to women you find attractive.

You’ll see them, but they won’t see you! It’s like if you approached the hottest woman in the club, and she literally didn’t see you there because you were invisible.

Try these two fixes.

Fix no. 1: Boost your profile. This should get you seen by more high-quality profiles. But boosting doesn’t necessarily make your internal score a perfect “10”—it just takes you a notch or two higher than you were. The attractive women you’re swiping on still may not see you. So if boosting is a bust…

Fix no. 2: Close out your Tinder account. Delete that baby, and then re-join a day or two later. This should give you the “newbie boost” that gets your profile shown to head-turning girls you’re swiping-right on, so that they see you and (knock on wood) swipe-right back. A caveat: Don’t delete-and-relaunch too often. There’s always the chance that the algorithm gets wise to this hack and stops you from signing back up.

Post Optin

Approaching: Cool or Creepy?

I live in Dallas, which is filled with stunning women—at the bars, the gym, the parks. They’re everywhere. Just one problem: I can’t approach! I want to, but I feel like I would be that creepy guy who hits on a girl. Am I overthinking this?

—Dale, 44, Dallas

You may think it’s creepy to approach, but it’s creepier to WANT to approach—and do nothing.

When I started learning how to approach women, I was at a trendy hotel lounge in New York City one night. My wingman challenged me to approach a table where a cute brunette and her blonde friend sat with a muscular guy.

The brunette’s eyes widened and she leaned forward. “Oh my god! You came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are?” I thought, Umm, a creep who’s about to get his butt kicked? “You’re normal!” She tilted her head toward a fellow sitting a couple tables away. “That guy’s been staring at us all night, and it’s creeping us out.” Oh, and the hulking dude I was worried about? Super friendly.

I traded numbers with the brunette, who was as charming and friendly as she was pretty.

Most men don’t approach women, often from a fear of appearing creepy. But it’s much creepier to want to approach yet do nothing and stare instead.

Your move, Dale? Follow the Three-Second Rule.

When you’re in a social environment and you see a woman you’d love to meet, approach her immediately. Begin walking toward her within three seconds of spotting her.

The longer you wait, the heavier the weight.

Three, two, one… go!

Rejection Is Good For You

You know what really scares me? Dating rejection. How do you get over this? I feel paralyzed. Whether it’s asking out a girl I like or sending a message on Match, I just feel frozen up.

—Mark, 49, Columbia, Mo.

Dating sucks because rejection sucks. You take a chance with your heart—you ask a girl out, you approach, you send that flirty text—and if you get turned down, you feel wounded.

But what's causing the pain is not rejection itself. It’s how you interpret it. You turn it into something painful. You turn it into evidence that you’re not attractive to the kinds of women you yearn to date.

You see, all men (and all people in general, really) want to feel special and important. We want to feel significant. This driving force is hardwired into our psyche. It’s why we climb mountains or pump iron.

Hell, I wrote a book—Dating Sucks but You Don’t so I can tell the world, “I’m an author, bitches!” It makes me feel cooler.

One of the most powerful ways to feel special and significant is through dating. Validation from the right woman can be intoxicating. It helps you realize something important: You are enough. And there’s nothing wrong with this.

But when you get rejected, it can make you doubt your romantic worth. You feel less special, misinterpreting that rejection as a sign you’re unattractive. Then you extrapolate: If you’re not attractive to women, then you won’t be able to give or receive love, and that would lead either to loneliness or to settling—both awful outcomes. That’s heavy stuff.

Viewing rejection through the lens of significance turns any romantic risk (an approach, asking for a date) into Judgment Day for your worth. So you probably don’t take risks and pursue the kinds of girls you’re drawn to, because rejection would cut deep. It would make you feel insignificant. And if you do “man up” and take a chance, you’re likely so full of tension that you can’t relax and be your best, most attractive self, which leads to MORE rejection. It’s a vicious downward spiral.

What you want to do is this: See rejection through new eyes.

When I take a client out for in-person wing-man training, I want him to see me get rejected. I have him choose a scary approach situation—say, a large group of girls on the dance floor—and I go in, talking to the cutest one. I often (but not always) get rebuffed.

I do this not because I’m a masochist. My client needs to see rejection not as something to fear but as part of the dating process. It’s required. You can’t approach women and not get rebuffed. You can’t swipe on Tinder and not get ghosted. It’s part of putting yourself out there.

What if you saw rejection as painless? What if you were immune? You could be bold and pursue your dream woman, and with lots of confidence.

I want you to see rejection for what it is: no biggie. A woman’s rejection is not—I repeat, not—evidence of your significance or worth. It’s merely evidence that she’s not interested. Maybe you’re not her type. She’s tacos, and you’re pizza. Both great, just not compatible.

Rejection means next to nothing. You can brush it off, just as you do when the restaurant hostess “rejects” your request for a brunch table on a busy Sunday, or when the Delta ticket agent “rejects” your request for a free business-class upgrade. Look at dating rejection the same way. Your worth isn’t on the line. It’s not personal.

Now, you might be saying, “You’re nuts! Of course it’s personal. It’s my love life!”

The truth is, rejection may feel personal, but a woman who barely knows you can’t possibly reject you.

Now, if your long-term girlfriend says, “I no longer love you, you’ve never made me orgasm, and I’m leaving you for Fabio,” okay, now THAT is rejection.

But if a woman you’ve just met blows you off, she may simply be saying she’s the Beatles, and you’re the Stones. No shame there. The Stones fu*king rock.

Need to know the best pickup lines on Tinder? Or even the 7 deadly tinder sins NOT to commit? Read Connell's column here and subscribe so you don't miss any updates!

_____________________________________________________________________

Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men. He has been called one of the best dating coaches in the world. In addition, he appeared on talk shows such as Access Hollywood and The Today Show. Furthermore, he has also been published in magazines such as O Magazine, Maxim, Cosmopolitan, and more. Connell helps men develop confidence and connect to women authentically. Leave a question for Connell below!

Ask a Question

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Dating Women With Kids

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on dating women with kids, getting a woman “in the mood” at your place, and when to go for the digits on Tinder.

DATING WOMEN WITH KIDS

Where do you stand on dating women with kids? Should I mention in my online-dating profile that I’m cool with it?

—Nicholas, 37, Orlando

So, you want a LOT more matches on Tinder, Bumble and the apps? OK, do one of two things for fast results:

1: Be Ryan Gosling. Or…

2: Open yourself up to dating women with kids—and say so in your bio.

Now, seeing as option 1 is not technically “possible,” consider the second option.

Some guys are dead-set on only dating women without children, and hey, zero judgment from me. You do you. But know that single moms are some of the coolest, smartest, sexiest, emotionally-mature women you’ll ever meet. (I’m friends with many, and I once dated a single mom.) And they’re looking for a few good men.

Because of the stigma that many men have about dating single mothers, a lot of these bright, beautiful women struggle to find good guys to date. So if you’re cool with meeting a MILFF (Mom I’d Like to Fall For), your online-dating matches will flippin’ skyrocket. How? Add this phrase (or something like it) to your bio:

“I like kids, and I’m totally cool with dating single moms.”

Hell, you might even give Gosling a run for his money.

Post Optin

GETTING HER IN THE MOOD

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Any tips for getting her in the mood when a date is at my place for the first time?

—Dominick, 35, Honolulu

Make sure your heart-shaped water-bed is made, and don’t forget to Windex the mirrors on your ceiling.

Sex may be on your mind, but don’t make that the primary goal when you have a date back at your place. Rather, help her feel comfortable. For the first 15 or so minutes at your casa, give her space. Don’t try to kiss right away, even if you were hot and heavy back at the bar. Offer her a drink. Put on some music. Give her a tour.

Once she’s comfortable, pick up where you left off—again, always being aware how she’s feeling.

If you start to kiss, you might be surprised. Some women will eagerly escalate on you because you helped them feel comfortable first.

THE NUMBERS GAME

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How do you ask for a number on Tinder or the apps? It seems I either ask too soon, and the woman turns me down. Or when I wait a while, she stops replying. Help!

—Mark, 49, Aurora, Ill.

The biggest mistake men make is waiting too long to ask a girl for a phone number. They text and text and text, but the last thing a woman wants on Tinder or the apps is a pen pal. So don’t wait too long to ask her out.

Here’s the rule of thumb when texting with a woman you just matched with: You’ll want to exchange about a dozen messages and go through one or two topics before asking for her number.

Once you’ve swapped about twelve messages and have talked about one or two things, then simply say, “Hey, you seem awesome. We should meet up. What’s your number?”

Women are so tired of guys who take forever to ask them out. They don’t want to message with you forever and ever.

At the same time, they (usually) don’t want you to ask her out right away, before you’ve created some nice rapport together.

Now, there’s one exception. If, in the first few messages, she gives you a big indicator of interest—multiple “Lol”s, a big heart-eye emoji, mentioning possible date options—then ask her number right away.

Strike while the proverbial iron is giving off steam.

Connell Barrett is a dating coach helping men all over the world find the woman of their dreams. Connell has appeared on shows like Access Hollywood and The Today Show and been published in magazines such as Maxim. His dating advice on how to get out of the friend zone, how to talk to women and how to text a girl has helped men make authentic romantic connections. Look for his dating book for men, Dating Sucks But You Don't coming soon. Ask Connell a dating question below.

Ask a Question

First Date Tips For Men

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on first date tips for men, how to dial up romantic connection, and when you should NOT go on a second date.

FIRST DATE TIPS FOR MEN

My first dates all seem to go nowhere. We just have boring conversation, and she’s checking her phone before she’s done with the first drink. How can I make my first dates go better?

—Billy, 24, London, England

When it comes to first-date tips for men, here’s the secret to success in a single word: authenticity. Be real, be you.

And I’ll bet you’re making a mistake that lots of guys commit on first dates: You carefully monitor your every word, trying to be “attractive” and not make a mistake. That stifles your most charismatic, awesome self, and leads to boring dates for her and for you.

Forget about all that. Instead, keep it real, yo. We’re all searching for truth and realness, so get in the habit of sharing scary but honest feelings with women—as long as it’s not vulgar or negative, of course. This emotional nakedness is mesmerizing to others, and by going first, you free your date to do the same.

Such phrases often start out like this:

“You know what I like about you…”
“Here’s what scares me the most…”
“I want to share something with you, but I’m not sure if I should…”

To be extra brave, say one (or all) of the above phrases to your next date without knowing how you’ll finish the thought! As long as you’re being authentic and present, your brain will figure out the “right words,” and your date will know that they’re real.

There’s NOTHING boring about an authentic man putting his real feelings on the line.

“YOU’RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M DESSERT”

I’m so tired of women seeing me as just a nice guy, rather than a potential romantic partner. On dates, I see other couples all over each other, but my dates never want to jump my bones.

—Seth, 39, Austin, Texas

Seth, I totally get it. It can sting to see other people hooking up, and to be on a date with a cool, gorgeous woman who’s two feet away from you—but she may as well be two miles away, in terms of her attraction.

But you CAN be a nice guy and learn how to have those sexy, fun, connected dates that lead to unforgettable nights.

Once, during a trip to L.A., I met Valerie, an ambitious women’s-fashion expert. For our first date, we had drinks at a patio bar in Venice Beach, near my hotel. We seemed very different on paper. Her: a Black woman who went from an inner-city upbringing to managing a Santa Monica boutique—with plans to open her own place. Me: a privileged white guy from the Midwestern burbs. But our romantic chemistry was off the charts.

We both felt the sexual tension rising as we teased, talked, and laughed. At one point, my wolfish eye contact made her say, “You’re looking at me like I’m dessert.” As we walked back to my hotel, she was unbuttoning her top before I had my key in the door.

One of the tools I used that night is simple: I moved my eyes in a “7” pattern, which helped me unlock the mutual attraction that Valerie and I had for each other.

So, to dial up the sexual tension on dates, move your eyes in a “7” pattern—that is, from her right eye to her left eye and down to her lips. This will amplify your attraction for her, which enhances something called “emotional state transference.” Emotions are contagious—what you feel, a woman will feel. If you let yourself get lost in her baby blues, you can transfer the desire that you feel onto her.

For more tips, see "5 Flirty First-Date Questions That Spark Attraction."

WHEN NOT TO HAVE A SECOND DATE

Should I go on a second date even if the first date was just so-so?

—Michael, 44, Albany, N.Y.

If you find the woman attractive and “your type,” consider giving them a second date—even if the first one was just so-so. Just as we have off days, we also have off dates. The two of you could be a great romantic fit, but if one of you was nervous, tired or just not on your game, it can throw chemistry off.

Now, if your date was mediocre because the other person is simply not what you’re looking for, then you should bail. But if they mostly match your blueprint for a partner, pull the trigger on date no. 2. There’s little to lose and lots to gain.

Here are three questions to ask yourself before deciding on a second date.

Was there at least a little chemistry?
Did the conversation flow well?
Did she focus on you—and you on her—rather than just making it about yourselves.

If you said yes to all three, a second date is a no-brainer. Two yeses? Lean toward having date no. 2. But if you said yes only once or not at all, cut your losses and move on.

Life is too short to settle for disappointing dates.

Connell Barrett is a dating coach from NYC and he has been called one of the best dating coaches in the world. He specializes in actionable advice for men to help them find their dream woman. His advice has been featured in talk shows such as Access Hollywood and the Today Show. Furthermore, his advice has been featured in Maxim, Cosmopolitan, O Magazine, and more. His new dating book for men is being released in Spring 2021. Ask Connell a question below.

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The Best Pickup Lines on Tinder

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on the best pickup lines on Tinder, a big secret to approaching women, and how to be confident on first dates.

BEST PICKUP LINES ON TINDER

You know what sucks? When I match with women on Tinder, send them that first message, and they don’t respond. I don’t know why this keeps happening. What’s the best pickup line on Tinder?

—Jeremy, 33, Nashville

It’s an emotional roller-coaster, right? You feel GREAT when you get a match on Tinder (or any dating app), but then you feel frustrated and confused A.F. when you send that first message and she doesn’t reply. You just hear crickets.

Here are some openers that will help. I don’t think of these so much as “pickup lines on Tinder.” They’re just flirty first messages that are great ice-breakers. (Women don’t want to be “picked up.” They want to flirt and chat with a cool guy.)

Here are five flirty first messages to help you get those matches to write you back—so you can go on more dates.

1: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “Are you always this cute, or did I catch you on a really good day?”

WHY IT’S GOOD: It’s concise, flirty and bold, but doesn’t come on too strong. In dating as in life, fortune favors the bold.

2: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “I need to ask you a very deep, serious question, and your answer will have huge consequences for both of us... Thin-crust or deep-dish? 🍕”

WHY IT’S GOOD: “This silly, subversive text creates tension. She thinks you’re about to ask a serious question, but you then release that tension by asking about pizza. It will make her laugh while leading to a fun topic.

3: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “Wow, this was shaping up to be just another dull [day of the week]—and then I saw your profile. #GoodDay”

WHY IT’S GOOD: Being funny or witty is great, but sometimes vulnerability is the best way to make an impression with your pickup line on Tinder. This text lets you “put yourself out there,” which is very attractive.

4: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “I see that you’re into [hobby/interest]. What do you love most about it?”

WHY IT’S GOOD: This is a great first message on a dating-app because everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. We all love to talk about our passions and hobbies, so it’s very likely to kick-start a stimulating conversation.

5: FLIRTY FIRST MESSAGE: “Pop quiz! I’m texting you because… a) you’re adorable b) just saying hello c) all of the above.”

WHY IT’S GOOD: Everyone loves quizzes, and this text lets you be both flirty and engaging.

When you are thinking of how to start a flirty conversation, think of smooth or funny Tinder pickup lines that will engage her. She's probably heard she's beautiful a million times, so you'll need to step it up. Ask fun and easy questions that will get her to respond back.

ATTRACT HER USING YOUR VOICE

I’ve been going out with my buddy to meet girls. I’ve been getting rejected right off the bat, but he does great. He gets girls responding well, and he’s not any cooler or better-looking than me. What am I missing? What do other guys have that I don’t?

—Peter, 33, Manhattan

If none of your approaches are landing, and you’re getting a lot of fast rejections, check your vocal tonality. It’s the single biggest technical mistake that men make when approaching—and the most costly.

When approaching, the way you use your voice conveys your confidence level. So you want to cultivate a rich, resonant tonality.

One thing you can do today: Record conversations with a friend and listen to your voice for flaws such as “up-talking” (when statements sound like questions) and excessive ums and uhs.

Another exercise: When speaking to someone in person, imagine someone is directly behind them and talk loud enough that they will hear. This will help you project your voice, since chances are your voice shuts down a little when you approach.

Approaching can be scary, and fear tends to hurt your vocal tone, which in turn hurts your results.

Think of a continuum of voice tonality, from supplicating (hesitant, quiet, up-talking) to neutral/friendly (your normal voice) to commanding (drill sergeant barking orders). When approaching, seek the sweet spot between commanding and neutral/friendly. This is the tonality that sounds firm and certain, yet friendly and upbeat.

Commanding

⬅️--------------Sweet spot that women like

Neutral/Friendly

Supplicating

Here’s a great rule of thumb: In whatever environment you’re in (bar, coffee-shop, book store), notice the baseline vocal tonality people are using, and deliver your opener with a neutral-to-commanding tonality that’s 3-5% louder than that baseline.

When approaching, it’s better to speak a bit too loudly (which conveys confidence) than too softly (which conveys fear and anxiety.)

DO THIS FOR INSTANT CONFIDENCE

When I go out on a date, I feel nervous and low in confidence. This is definitely hurting my results. What’s the best way to boost my confidence?

—Cameron, 42, Indianapolis

I have three words for instant confidence: Jonnie Walker Black. (OK, that may not be a good long-term strategy. )

Instead, do this: Take a stand… literally. When you’re on dates or out meeting women, occupy more space with your body. Stand tall, widen your stance a bit. When you stand, imagine that your spine is a steel rod. Powerful body language not only sends women the right message—it boosts your emotional state.

Try it right now: Stand up, hunch your shoulders, touch your ankles together, and hold that pose for thirty seconds. You feel small and passive, right?

OK, now stand tall, like your spine is made of steel, push your shoulders back, take a wide stance, and hold this pose for thirty seconds. You feel more confident and masculine, right? That’s because adopting a “dominant” body language can increase your testosterone and reduce cortisol, the stress hormone. And it just feels good.

Now you know how to come up with some of the best pickup lines on Tinder and how to approach a woman with confidence book a free call to awaken your dating life.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach who specializes in helping men find the women of their dreams. He is famous for appearing on The Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. His dating advice has been featured in O Magazine, Maxim, and others. Be sure to get his book, Dating Sucks But You Don't here.

Online Dating Tips for Men: 7 Deadly Tinder Sins NOT to Commit

Dating coach Connell Barrett talks online dating tips for men, smashing out of the friend zone, and whether Tinder Gold is worth it.

Online Dating Tips For Men

DATING APP SINS

I swipe and swipe and get no good matches on Tinder, except for women I’m just not attracted to. I’ve read a lot of online dating tips for men, and I’d like to know what I might be doing wrong.

—Nish, 39, Miami

Online dating is competitive. In some cities, there are five times as many men on Tinder as women—and the majority of guys are swiping on the most desirable women.

My client Ted, 29, needed online dating tips for men. He used this checklist to overhaul his Bumble profile. One week later, he’d gone out on two dates with two women, after being dateless for the previous six months.

The 7 Deadly Tinder Sins NOT to Commit:

1: Weak photos.

Too dark, grainy, and filled with unflattering selfies. This is the biggest cause of lack of matches. You must have good photos, starting with at least two well-lit portraits, showing you well-dressed, smiling, and date-able.

2: Boring and predictable.

Most dating-app bios suffer from a fatal case of I-Like-Long-Walks-on-the-Beach-itis. They’re dull and they read like a resume. Avoid clichés like “Just giving this a try” (duh!) and quoting your favorite TV show.

3: Negativity.

Never list what you DON’T want in a partner. Be positive. Good vibes only. This includes writing any variation of “no drama.” Women hate this because it’s like saying, “Have no emotions and be perfect.”

4: Confusing content or jokes that don’t land.

Clarity is key. If she’s snoozing, you’re losing.

5: A dense block of hard-to-read text.

You want visual appeal, with line breaks and an emoji or two. (No eggplants! Think winky or laughing smiley-faces.)

6: Photos that show you looking trashed/drunk.

7: Nothing.

No blank bios. Write something.

Read my column on Tinder Tips to help you understand what to write in your bio instead. Then read on to find out if Tinder Gold is worth it.

THE END OF THE FRIEND ZONE

I’ve been going on a quite a few dates, but women tend to only see me as a friend. Sometimes they blow me off before I even get the first date. Little help?

—Christian, 44, Seattle

“Let’s just be friends.”

They’re four of the most dreadful words a man will ever hear, along with “We need to talk” and “Smash Mouth is reuniting.” (The horror!)

It can hurt to want a second date with a woman who doesn’t want one with you. It’s also frustrating when a girl you’re messaging goes quiet before you’re able to meet up.

Welcome to (cue: thunder, scary music) the friend zone. It can make you wonder, “Am I doing something wrong? Am I not attractive?”

Well, there’s one simple move you can use on all your dates from now on. Follow this simple rule:

If you think she’s sexy, tell her so. And tell her why.

Many women get a “just friends” vibe because the guy failed to make his interest clear, either due to fear or because he thinks he needs to “play it cool.” If you find a woman sexy, tell her. (Hey, we all want to feel sexy.) And tell her why.

Advanced move: Don’t make it only about her looks. Go deeper. Tell her the inner quality that you find sexy: her wit, her ambition, her silliness. No faking this. You must mean it. (A woman’s b.s. detector is more sensitive than a Richter scale.)

This is all part of being Radically Authentic—showing women your most honest, vulnerable, TRUE self.

For more tips on How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone, click here.

GO FOR THE GOLD?

With dating apps, should I use the premiere, paid memberships, like Tinder Gold? Or are they a waste of money?

—Damon, 40, Austin, Texas

Yes, you should go for the Gold. Top-tier memberships assure that the maximum number of women see your profile—all for the monthly price of a mojito. That’s a bargain.

But ONLY if you’ve put time and effort into excellent photos and a compelling bio.

Now, you may be saying, “But Tinder Gold has never worked for me.” That’s because your profile has, well, sucked. Any dating app can work for you with the right profile.

Tinder Gold won’t magically make a poor profile attractive. But with the right photos and bio, it definitely delivers results, as do the premium versions of Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, and The League.

While you may be tempted to watch your wallet, don’t scrimp here. You get what you pay for with dating apps, and if you follow my advice, it probably won’t be a long-term expense.

Connell Barrett is an online dating coach for men. He's appeared on shows such as The Today Show, Access Hollywood and more. His advice has also been published in magazines such as Maxim, Cosmopolitan, and O Magazine to name a few. His new dating book for men releases in 2021. Ask Connell a dating question below.

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Virtual Date Ideas That Spark Chemistry

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on virtual date ideas, how to not get ghosted, and the secret to flirting.

VIRTUAL DATE IDEAS

I need some virtual-date ideas. Any thoughts?

—George, Port Chester, N.Y.

“Virtual dating.” It sounds like something Harrison Ford did with a hologram in “Blade Runner.”

Here are three virtual-date ideas that can help you turn up the chemistry with the lady on the other side of the screen.

LET'S DO BRUNCH

Women love brunch like Juliet loves Romeo. A fun way to do it? Prepare the same recipe at the same time. It will (almost) feel like you’re cooking in the kitchen together, scrambling eggs and pouring coffee. And make sure bubbly is on the menu. It’s not brunch without mimosas.

MAKE HER SWEAT

You can do yoga together or go for a run or a brisk walk. And when she does her downward-facing dog, you’ll have ample opportunities for flirting.

GAME ON

In dating, don’t play games AT her (ghosting, bread-crumbing, etc.) Play games WITH her. Words With Friends is a classic option, and there are app versions of Cards Against Humanity and Monopoly. Not only are games a blast, but you don’t have to worry as much about making conversation. Just promise me you won’t go searching for Pikachu. Real men do not play Pokemon.

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT GHOSTING

Why do people ghost? It’s infuriating. Is there anything I can do cut down on it?

—Jake, 51, San Diego

To borrow a line from a classic movie: “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.” Or rather, it’s dating. Ghosting is here to stay. Men and women do it.

Ghosting is the new way of saying, “I’m not that into you,” without actually saying it. And therein lies its appeal: The ghoster avoids sending a painful-for-you-both blow-off message.

As long as we live in an algorithm-based dating world with limitless options, haters gonna hate, and ghosters gonna ghost. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll feel better.

To get ghosted less, begin by dating with what I call Radical Authenticity: Show women your best, most awesome self. Learn how to flirt. Buy into your awesomeness. Become the most magnetic you that you can be.

The better you get at dating, the less you will get ghosted because you’ll be too damned irresistible to too many women.

But here’s a bold idea: Embrace ghosting. See it as a necessary, and even beneficial, part of dating.

I think that getting ghosted is good for you for three reasons…

1: It reveals the other person’s character. You’re finding out who they are now, not down the road. You’d rather get ghosted after two dates, as opposed to two years. They did you a favor.

2: It thickens your skin. Rejection is part of dating. It just is. Best to accept it, not fear it. The trick? Don’t imbue the ghosting with existential pain. It does NOT mean you’re un-dateable. It only means you’re not her type.

3: It brings you closer to The One. This is a mathematical fact. You’re going to end up with a wonderful woman, so think of ghosting as one step closer to meeting her.

GETTING DOWN AND FLIRTY

I just don’t know how to connect with women. I’m so in my head about this. When I flirt, I come across as creepy. But when I don’t flirt, it’s the friend zone. I feel stuck. How the hell do you talk to girls?

—Anonymous

Anonymous—if that IS your real name—it’s not the actual words you use that matter. It’s your vibe.

If you’re like most men, you talk to women on a more logical, informational wavelength—especially if you work in a field like science, business, or engineering.

But the secret to flirting—what I call Man-to-Woman Communication—is speaking to women on an emotional wavelength. Men occupy the logical, analytical world of the masculine, but women reply to emotions.

Research backs this up. A landmark 1995 Yale study found that, in general, men and women use different spheres of the brain, concluding that men are more logically-minded and fact-based, while women feel their emotions more strongly.

When dating, seek to channel a more visceral, emotional side. Women are drawn to the language of feelings and meaning, rather than dry facts and information. Often a cool, attractive guy is friend-zoned because he speaks in a dry, logical way. So for her there’s no spark.

But it’s a date, not a business lunch. You want to filter your language through an emotional lens, not a logical one. Be Captain Kirk, not Mr. Spock.

I remember the night when I truly got this. I was on a Match.com date, and after a couple drinks and a few hours of flirty conversation, my date said, “Why don’t we go back to your place?” No woman had ever said that to me before.

Here are two brief descriptions of me that contain the same information. In the first, it’s just the facts, ma’am. In the second, I use language that’s descriptive and emotionally evocative, and I’ve underlined the key phrases.

LOGICAL: “I’ve lived in New York City for twenty years. I moved here to be a writer. I’m now a dating coach. I also play tennis, sing karaoke, and read books about the Civil War.”

MAN-TO-WOMAN: “I’ve lived in New York City for twenty wild years. I moved here to follow my dream of being a writer. I’m a dating coach, which lights me up because I help men and women find love. When I’m not throwing my racket like a brat on the tennis court, I sing eighties power ballads on karaoke nights and nerd out on Civil War books.”

The logical description is dry (I almost dozed off typing it), while the latter description has life and heart.

Here’s a tip: On your next date, start a lot of sentences with these phrases:

“Here’s how I feel about [topic]…”

“You know what I love about what you just said…

“I felt amazingly [emotion] when that happened…”

Speak the language of emotions, and you’re speaking the language women understand. And they love a guy who speaks their language.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach , providing dating advice on how to date authentically. He’s helped men all over the world find the women of their dreams. Whether needing help with what to say on tinder, first date advice, or even sharing dating tips for shy guys, Connell gives actionable dating tips. Connell has appeared on shows like Access Hollywood and The Today Show and in publications such as Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and O Magazine, to name a few. Ask Connell a question below.

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Tinder Tips For More Matches And Dates

Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on Tinder tips for writing a great bio, shaking off rejection, and how to never be “creepy” when you approach

TINDER TIPS

Connell, I need some Tinder tips. There are so many beautiful women on Tinder, but I barely get any matches. Any advice?

—Louie, 27, Virginia Beach

When it comes to Tinder tips, there’s a common mistake that you’re probably making on your bio, and you don’t even know it: being boring.

It’s not you! I’m not saying you’re boring. But it’s hard to write Tinder bios that stand out. Most bios sound like all the other guys’. Men write stuff like, “I like long walks on the beach” (cliché), “Giving this a try” (duh!), or “Whattup, ladies” (generic).

With your Tinder bio, if you make women snooze, you lose. They swipe-left. And that can feel personal, like they’re rejecting you as a man.

But they’re not. They’re just not drawn to your words.

The fix? Make sure your bio has a good “hook.” The hook is the opening line that grabs her attention with humor, silliness, or something that she values.

Here are four examples of great hooks that my clients and I have had success with.

“WARNING! Do NOT read the next sentence.” Next line: “You rebel, I like you already ;)”

Why it works: The use of all caps snaps her out of her swiping pattern, and the challenge that you issue creates curiosity.

“I’m a man on the street with a dad bod in the sheets.”

Why it works: Even if she doesn’t know the Usher song lyric that this refers to, it’s silly and self-effacing. Most guys brag on Tinder. You’re standing out by talking up your dad bod.

“My million-dollar idea: Pulled. Pork. Ice cream.”

Why it works: Just plain stupid, in the best way. If she laughs, she’ll keep reading.

“Danger! My karaoke voice might make you fall in love with me.”

Why it works: This is from my Tinder bio, and women who like karaoke will keep reading. Plus, I set a romantic tone by talking about love.

When it comes to Tinder tips, writing a great hook will get your bio a longer look. Click here for tips on opening messages.

HOW TO REJECT REJECTION

I was dating a girl, but she ended it after a few dates. She said she “just didn’t see us as a couple.” That hurts. It made me feel like less of a man, you know? Not good enough to be a boyfriend. How do I bounce back from that kind of rejection?

—Anonymous

I feel you, Anonymous. Before I set out to fix my dating life, I felt rejected by all women. I thought that when a girl said, “I’m not feeling it” that it was because I wasn’t enough, or just wasn’t “that guy” who women wanted to date.

I was wrong. I went from getting blown off and rejected to dating countless bright, beautiful women. If I can do it, so can you.

And if you feel like you’re lacking in something because you got dumped, you’re wrong about that, too. You ARE enough. You must buy into this. It’s important.

I want you to reframe rejection and see it for what it is. It’s not really rejection. It’s information.

That girl told you that you’re not a romantic fit for her. That’s NOT a personal criticism on you. It’s just information. Everyone has a type, and you are not hers, apparently.

Remember that there’s an abundance of women to date. A mantra I give my clients: “There’s a million more girls, and I have more to give.”

Also, keep in mind that a woman who barely knows you can’t truly reject you. I mean, if your wife sits you down and says, “Honey, I no longer love you, you’ve never made me orgasm, and I’m dumping you for Ryan Gosling,” OK, now THAT is rejection.

But a women who had a few dates with you? Rejection? Nahh. She can’t reject you. She’s basically saying you’re not each other’s type.

She likes the Beatles, and you’re the Stones. Hey, no shame there. The Stones fucking rock! And so do you.

Once you realize that you’ll never run out of wonderful women to date, and that you’ll always have more to offer, you’ll find confidence from within. And you can brush off rejection and say, “Next!”

So tattoo this on the body part of your choice: You are enough.

“YOU CAN APPROACH US. WE LIKE IT.”

Is it OK to approach women in the daytime? Or is that super creepy?

—Sam, 47, Portland, Ore.

It’s absolutely fine to chat women up during the day—when done with charm.

The trick is to not “hit on her” so much as talk in a light, playful way and, if there’s chemistry, ask for her number. There’s nothing creepy about that.

You might be surprised how well many women respond to a chill, playful vibe. I was once at a Whole Foods when I met Ashley. We were both in the cereal aisle, and I teased her about trying to steal the last box of Honey Bunches of Oats. We chatted for a few minutes, and I got her number.

At the time, I still had anxiety about approaching during the daytime. Would it be creepy? Would I make girls uncomfortable?

She could sense this, I think. After I got her number, she said, as if speaking to ALL single men, “You can come right up and talk to us. It’s okay. We like it!”

For more online dating tips for men, click here.

Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach helping men worldwide. He's helped men learn how to get the girl of their dreams and get out of the friend zone. Connell's appeared on talk shows such as The Today Show and Access Hollywood. He also has a dating book for men releasing in 2021. Leave a question for Connell below.

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