Connell Barrett [00:00:00]:
That’s kind of awesome and douchey, what you just did. And then she gives me her number. Welcome back to another episode of how to Get a Girlfriend. I’m your dating coach, Connell Barrett. Think of me as your podcast guru, here to help you get get better on the dating apps, get more matches, flirt with women, and get a great girlfriend. And do it by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And today I have a returning client for the first time ever, a two timer.
Connell Barrett [00:00:43]:
Welcome back to the podcast, Zach. Welcome, bro.
Zach [00:00:46]:
Thank you. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Since I’m back, it means I still need help. If I were doing better, I wouldn’t need to be here and I would be a one timer.
Connell Barrett [00:00:57]:
You’re doing great. Just for context. So, Zach, you were here many months ago as a single dad. You are getting back into the dating game, and you’re back on the apps, and you’re slowly but surely getting back into going out to meet some women. And you’re also my personal trainer. So if for you, for those of you who are watching this video on Spotify, where there is video, you’re seeing, I have rippling huge muscles. It’s clearly because of this man.
Zach [00:01:25]:
So anyway, you have a 10 pack. You have a 10 pack at this point, right?
Connell Barrett [00:01:31]:
Oh, I feel like I have a 2 liter, not a 6 pack. At least some days when I eat too much. But no, you got me looking good. Anyway, so, yeah, let’s just get to it. I know we were doing a little chat before we hit record today, and you were talking about some issues with the dating apps, some mindset stuff, and just some questions about the dating profile. So let’s just make this a no holds barred question and answer. You’re a Single dad, late 30s.
Zach [00:01:56]:
Is that right? 40 coming. 41. I don’t know how it happened.
Connell Barrett [00:02:01]:
I’m sorry, I thought you were. Okay, 41. Okay. So early 40s.
Zach [00:02:04]:
40, not 41.
Connell Barrett [00:02:06]:
Sorry. That’s right. 40 is not early 40s.
Zach [00:02:10]:
It’s actually not counting or anything, but, yeah, for sure.
Connell Barrett [00:02:13]:
Cool. Well, yeah. So you’re a good guy looking to get back out there, and you’re on the apps. Where would you like to start? What are you frustrated with? What isn’t working? What can I help you with?
Zach [00:02:23]:
Yeah, all right, cool. Well, I think the last time we spoke, I was kind of, like, slowly kind of gearing up. And I would say, really, over the last couple of months, I started taking it a lot more seriously and, like, really putting in the time I have this. This guy that I know, you may know him, I think his name is Connell Barrett, who keeps telling me that you have to do the work if you want any results. And I hate to give you credit where credit is due, do. But you are right. So it’s been on the. On the.
Zach [00:02:49]:
On the plus side, on the. On the positive side, really over the last couple of months is it was like really put time away every day, do this things kind of follow, for lack of a better term, like, kind of like follow the steps and. And keep analyzing what’s working and what’s not. Definitely moving forward, definitely making progress, which is. Which has been awesome. Matching with a lot more girls, a lot more texting back and forth, which has been great. A little. A little.
Zach [00:03:13]:
A little frustration over the last week or two, which I’ll kind of get into in a little bit, but just kind of wanted to sing your praises a little bit. So thank. Thank you again, because, I mean, you know, we’ve talked about this a lot during our sessions, but a lot of the guidance you’ve given me up so far to now has really helped get me to where I am and. Which is away from where I was.
Connell Barrett [00:03:30]:
Right.
Zach [00:03:31]:
And then also just, you know, going out and approaching. I still want to vomit and have an anxiety attack and pee my pants half the time when I go out and I have to like, cold approach, but I still do it. And then every time I do it, it goes way better than I think it’s gonna go.
Connell Barrett [00:03:46]:
Right.
Zach [00:03:46]:
Okay. So thanks, man. I appreciate it.
Connell Barrett [00:03:49]:
Nice. By the way, vomiting in your mouth is my favorite opener. That’s approaching.
Zach [00:03:54]:
So I did that on the last one and we totally hooked up. It was weird.
Connell Barrett [00:03:58]:
Didn’t kiss at all.
Zach [00:03:59]:
Oh, no.
Connell Barrett [00:04:00]:
We probably vomited back.
Zach [00:04:01]:
Yeah, it was. It was weird. There’s a lot of vomit involved. But anyway, let me stop messing around. So I think what I’d love to do first off is just do a quick profile check with you and just see what you think of my current profile. I don’t know if we can do that over this. Should I just hold the phone up to the camera or how do you do.
Connell Barrett [00:04:19]:
Yeah, we can do that. I don’t think unless people are watching on Spotify, they can’t see it. This is an audio medium, Zach.
Zach [00:04:26]:
I don’t know if you know that Spotify is audio. Get out of here.
Connell Barrett [00:04:29]:
Spot. No, a podcast is audio. Spotify is. Video has video on it.
Zach [00:04:33]:
Spotify does have video.
Connell Barrett [00:04:34]:
Yeah, we’re on video on Spotify.
Zach [00:04:36]:
I didn’t realize that this goes.
Connell Barrett [00:04:39]:
Yeah, Spotify is doing a whole YouTube thing where they’re like, video, baby, so people will see your handsome head of hair.
Zach [00:04:45]:
Okay. Yeah. Here’s my question. How can I get. I don’t really care.
Connell Barrett [00:04:50]:
How can I get a coach who’s not an asshole?
Zach [00:04:52]:
Yeah, an asshole. First up is firing you. And then if you need a coach who’s not an asshole, your step is firing me. So we’re really off to a great start here. All right. Where’s my profile? Okay. Dude, My hinge. All right.
Connell Barrett [00:05:15]:
While you’re looking for that, because you’re such a good planner, I did you have told me about how you updated your photos recently. You changed your opening photo from. I forget what it was before, but a photo where you’re making eye contact and you’ve seen an uptick in matches. Right.
Zach [00:05:32]:
This was the one I hat as my open profile.
Connell Barrett [00:05:35]:
Okay. Portrait of you seated, laughing, looking to the camera, well dressed, cool.
Zach [00:05:41]:
And then I just kind of changed it. Honestly, this is like a professional head shot I use, but okay. It was a big difference. Like, a big, big difference.
Connell Barrett [00:05:48]:
Yeah.
Zach [00:05:49]:
This is from, like, six years ago, so I’m a little worried about, like, false advertising, but I still think I look similar enough that it’s probably.
Connell Barrett [00:05:57]:
Oh, that is way older than I would have expected. You look very much the same.
Zach [00:06:02]:
Okay, that’s good. So that was actually going to be one of my questions, which is, do I look enough like that photo still that I can still use it?
Connell Barrett [00:06:08]:
I mean, as long as you’re not clearly very different now than you were when that photo was taken, but I don’t think you do. I normally would say don’t use a photo that’s 6 years old, but that actually looks. You might be part vampire. I don’t know if you know that.
Zach [00:06:23]:
Nice. Awesome. Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:06:25]:
But I think that’s probably working better. Well, you never know what’s going to work. Any piece of marketing, which is essentially what your online dating profile is. You just never know what’s going to resonate with your audience. But there’s something pretty powerful about a nice, tight headshot that is a real smile, nice backdrop, a natural backdrop. What I like about that one you showed me is it doesn’t look like a LinkedIn headshot. It looks like a warm, inviting, tight portrait. So I’m not surprised it’s working for you.
Zach [00:06:57]:
Okay, sweet. So I still have so up on the prompts. Right. There’s still the one thing you should know about me. Is we went over this together, and I still have it up there, and I really like it. I’m a total dilf. Dedicated, invested, and loving father to my son, who is my absolute guy in the center of my world. And then in parentheses, what did you think I meant by dilf? Sheesh.
Zach [00:07:17]:
Get your mind out of the gutter. And that one, I think, has gone pretty well, actually. I think really the only thing for prompts I also have. I’ll fall for you if you’re kind, thoughtful, curious and warm. But also whip smart, love to laugh and have a ridiculously silly side running through your bones. What do you think about that? Still good. Solid. Yeah.
Zach [00:07:41]:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:07:41]:
I mean, anything that works is what I care about, but that seems a little bit generic.
Zach [00:07:45]:
Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:07:46]:
Have women liked that or responded to that?
Zach [00:07:49]:
Not really.
Connell Barrett [00:07:49]:
Oh, well, that’s the proof in the pudding, of course. I’m fine with whatever works as long as it’s fairly genuine, but when you read it to me, it felt boilerplate.
Zach [00:07:57]:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:07:58]:
And I’m not saying boilerplate can’t work, but I typically like to have. If I’m gonna have one profile that’s talking to her, I want it to be a little bit more specific. I did like the silly part. I’ll take that back. I like the silly part at the end. Like, you’re silly. You have a silly sense of humor.
Zach [00:08:16]:
You.
Connell Barrett [00:08:17]:
You like dad jokes, you, or whatever your definition of a silly sense of humor is. When you start laughing and giggling, you can’t stop something that feels a little bit more specific. There’s an old quote I heard from a guy who used to write screenplays in the 70s and 80s. Marshall Brickman used to say. He’s talking about movie writing. He said, if you write something that’s going for the Universal, you don’t get anything. But if you go for something specific, you’ll get the Universal. So I like to try to get pretty specific when I’m talking to a woman.
Connell Barrett [00:08:53]:
For example, for once, I had a really great success with I’m a writer, I’m a journalist, and women who read and are into words are important to me. If you can spell, definitely, we’ll get along. I got so many women writing me back, I can definitely spell. Definitely. It’s just like such a specific little thing. But for some reason, it resonated with my type of woman. So maybe something to consider for that prompt would be, could you read it to me one more time just before I totally shit on it?
Zach [00:09:24]:
Oh, it sucks.
Connell Barrett [00:09:26]:
I don’t think it sucks. I Just unless it’s working for you. I don’t know if it’s helping. It’s not hurting. I don’t know if it’s helping, though.
Zach [00:09:32]:
I’ll fall for you if you. You’re a total asshole and you push me in the face.
Connell Barrett [00:09:36]:
No, no, no.
Zach [00:09:38]:
I’ll fall for you if you’re kind, thoughtful, curious and warm, but also whip smart, love to laugh and have a ridiculously silly side running through your bones.
Connell Barrett [00:09:48]:
What’s. What’s something specific? Of all those things you just mentioned, what’s the most important thing that you’re looking for in a woman?
Zach [00:09:54]:
I don’t. I don’t know. I. Actually, as we’re having this conversation, would it make sense to back up and kind of outline, like, what I’m actually looking for first? Because I might not even be sure what I’m looking for.
Connell Barrett [00:10:06]:
Yeah, always start with what you want.
Zach [00:10:08]:
And I think this is something I’ve been thinking about more. Like, you and I have been talking a lot about, like, my situation. Some. Some of the roadblocks I have. Right. And we talked about a little bit, which is don’t have a lot of time. But I also think, like, our quick conversation today outlined that I probably have a little more time than. Than I think.
Zach [00:10:22]:
But regardless, I think what I’m looking for, and I know this is gonna. It’s almost situational first and the type of woman second. Maybe this is backwards, but, like, I’m looking for someone who I can go out on the weekends with, have fun with, go out on a Friday night, go out Saturday, and it’s almost like someone. Yeah. To have fun with. Because I am not in a place where logistically I’m going to be able to commit a lot of time.
Connell Barrett [00:10:54]:
Okay.
Zach [00:10:55]:
And during the week, it’s very, very difficult for me, both between family obligations and kind of in the process of like, really building out the larger parts of my business, which take, yeah. Almost all my time. So I guess that’s kind of what I’m looking for. And I guess I’m being honest, right. Like, I’m not looking for just some floozy to go sleep with, but there is, there is an element of, like, I’m trying to look for something that I guess might be a little more casual and is like, hey, let’s go have fun. Let’s have a great time. I’m going to treat you really well. Like, I’m looking for someone who’s, like, cool and mature and kind of comfortable in their own skin, but who’s In a similar situation as me.
Zach [00:11:35]:
Maybe you work a lot, maybe you have some family stuff, or maybe you’re not in similar situation as me, but at least you’re understanding of my situation. I don’t know if I’m phrasing this correctly, and I don’t know if I hear you articulated this enough, but that’s kind of the situation I’m looking for. And I guess. I guess candidly, like, right now, because I’m not looking for, like, a life partner. I’d be looking. Because I’m looking for a little bit more of like. Of a. Almost like a little bit of a batter girl than I realize.
Zach [00:12:01]:
Where it’s a what girl? Almost like a batter girl. Where it’s like, let’s go out. Let’s have a little fun.
Connell Barrett [00:12:07]:
Fun casual dating.
Zach [00:12:08]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:12:09]:
Okay.
Zach [00:12:10]:
Some dirt. That might be the answer. And I might be putting out the wrong vibe on my profile.
Connell Barrett [00:12:17]:
I would say that. Then I would say we want to sound. We don’t want to sound like, oh, I’m looking for just the hookups.
Zach [00:12:25]:
No, because I’m not. I’m sorry to interrupt you. Like, I would be looking for someone anyway. I apologize. Let me. Let me not interrupt you. Go ahead.
Connell Barrett [00:12:33]:
You don’t need to apologize. I’m used to you interrupting me. I guess what I’m hearing is I again, I. I think of an online dating profile. It’s just a piece of digital marketing. It’s all it is. The product is Zach, and the audience is a certain type of woman. You know, this being a really good marketer.
Connell Barrett [00:12:52]:
You found me to come work with you as a. To get to pay you to train me. So you know about talking to the avatar who your audience is. Right. If you were gonna, like, describe the avatar of this woman who you want to date, what’s she?
Zach [00:13:13]:
Man, that’s a really good question. I have this vision, so I’m going to be thinking out loud because I haven’t. I guess I haven’t thought this through nearly enough. It’s probably very accomplished, I would say, you know, again, yeah, like, she’s smart, she’s accomplished. She’s mature. She knows what she wants. She is someone who probably, again, works long hours, pretty intense job, who is not. Who doesn’t want.
Zach [00:13:44]:
Who’s not looking for, like, a life partner or for someone to, like, call her every night and listen to every aspect of her day. But she is, you know, but she would want somebody who. What the Is she? Like, this is a really hard question. This is really good. See If I could do a better job. She’s definitely, she’s, she’s sexy. She’s, she’s, I don’t know if assertive is the right word, but she would appreciate, she appreciates some assertiveness from the guys she’s going out with. Kind of more straightforward.
Connell Barrett [00:14:22]:
Bonus points if she likes bantery, sarcastic guys with raunchy sense of humor very.
Zach [00:14:28]:
Much, that would be very.
Connell Barrett [00:14:29]:
So now we, we want, we kind of want to layer in. We want to sort of have a meeting of you and her in this prompt. I’m just. Here’s a quick rough draft of it that’s not perfect at all. But just to get something on the chalkboard. You work hard. You’re not looking for Mr. Right, but you want to meet a cool guy.
Connell Barrett [00:14:50]:
You want to laugh, joke, you’re smart as hell. Smart as hell. Bonus points if you like cheeky banter from smart ass men. You want to basically convey a fun, at least at first, casual relationship or dating situation so that you’re talking to a woman who wants the same thing. We want her to feel like, oh, he’s talking about me and I want the same thing. That’s what I’m going for here.
Zach [00:15:15]:
Yeah. Because I’m, I’m open to this going someplace. This is not something that I would put a limit on. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think to your point too, it’s like you’re not necessarily, like, you’re open to Mr. Right, but you’re also very open to Mr.
Zach [00:15:28]:
Right now, if you know what I mean.
Connell Barrett [00:15:30]:
Right.
Zach [00:15:32]:
Yeah. I think, I think that that’s. And I, I, this is one of the reasons I want to go with the profile. I, I have this sense that I’m, my profile is not conveying this correctly.
Connell Barrett [00:15:40]:
Okay.
Zach [00:15:41]:
Yeah. So I think that, that that could be something that I could definitely change for sure. Sorry, I’m like dipping off the screen here. My bad. Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:15:52]:
And I don’t know, I haven’t seen the rest of your pro latest profile on this call yet, but if you don’t already have something, I’d love to. I guess you have the dil one. The dil one’s pretty snarky.
Zach [00:16:02]:
The di sounds like cool too, because it also establishes like, I have a son. And I have, I have felt much more comfortable being upfront about that in the beginning because I just don’t want to lead anybody on or, or anything else along those lines. And I, I really, I mean, again, that was one you really helped me with. I really like that one.
Connell Barrett [00:16:18]:
Yeah. Could you read that again. I just want for the listener to hear or what we’re going. What we’re doing there.
Zach [00:16:22]:
Okay. So the one thing you should know about me is I’m a total dil.
Connell Barrett [00:16:26]:
Dedicated D, I, L, F. Right.
Zach [00:16:28]:
Capital D, capital I, capital L, capital F. Dedicated, invested and loving father to my son, who’s my absolute guy in the center of my world. And then in parentheses we wrote. What did you think I meant by Del? Del? Sheesh. Get your mind out of the gutter. And that one has landed really, really well.
Connell Barrett [00:16:45]:
Right?
Zach [00:16:45]:
Because a lot of. A lot of women have found it very funny, very cheeky, but also like a very. But again, it was like, hey, we’re. You know, I have a son and this is my homeboy. And you know, I, I take care of my. I think this also has helped to resonate in the sense where it’s like, I take my family responsibilities very seriously. And I think that also does resonate with the type of woman that I would be looking to spend time with. Regardless where this is going to be.
Zach [00:17:09]:
A woman who only respects guys who handle their business. And if you have a child, like, taking care of your child is the number one priority by far. Over.
Connell Barrett [00:17:19]:
Oh, yeah.
Zach [00:17:21]:
So, yeah, I love it. That one.
Connell Barrett [00:17:23]:
Yeah, I like that one because that’s very you.
Zach [00:17:26]:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:17:26]:
Authentic. It’s. It’s cheeky, it’s funny, but it’s also conveying something important. Your marketing part, your part of your marketing proposition is I’m a single dad and women need to know that. So you can weed out all the women who might not be looking for a single dad.
Zach [00:17:41]:
Yes.
Connell Barrett [00:17:42]:
Not there’s anything wrong with being a single dad. It’s just everybody wants different things. So that’s great. So we got humor, we got snark. Great. And I really like. So going back to the Avatar who Zach wants to date, I think that we don’t need to overthink it, but we just want it to be just specific enough so that a woman who fits that bill can go, oh, that’s totally me. Can totally see that.
Connell Barrett [00:18:06]:
Like, for example, I’ve matched with a lot of theater loving people in New York City. I do musical improv. I love Broadway. I have a not acting background, but as a. As a fun side hobby. And I put. Put things like, oh, if you’re like a bubbly. If you’re a bubbly actress type and like music.
Connell Barrett [00:18:30]:
You like comedy and. And theaters and doing jazz hands. Non. Ironically, we’ll probably hit it off. And that speaks to my audience. Now, that’s not to say I can only. I only wanted to date actor chicks, but I’m with Jessamine. She loves the theater.
Connell Barrett [00:18:47]:
Something about that resonated with her. So. So, yeah, the what you’re looking for line, I’m just. I want it to be just a tiny bit more specific than, oh, you’re kind, you’re smart.
Zach [00:18:58]:
So I have a question.
Connell Barrett [00:19:00]:
Yeah. What if.
Zach [00:19:00]:
Is this a good idea or a bad idea? Where it’s almost like we tell it almost like a story. Like, I’ll fall for you if you’re also up for. And I’m making this up off the cuff, slamming a triple espresso, renting a Porsche, hitting a rock concert and finishing, like, for our first date and then finishing it off with a margarita on a rooftop in Hell’s Kitchen, watching the sun come up.
Connell Barrett [00:19:30]:
Something like, I love it.
Zach [00:19:32]:
Okay, cool.
Connell Barrett [00:19:32]:
All of those are different. I’ve never heard any of those, I don’t think. And certainly not all together.
Zach [00:19:36]:
Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:19:37]:
That’s what I was trying to get at with.
Zach [00:19:39]:
Yeah, yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:19:40]:
With going for Universal. Can sound generic if you go for something specific. Porsche, rooftop slamming. What was it? Espresso.
Zach [00:19:48]:
Triple espresso.
Connell Barrett [00:19:49]:
Triple espresso. That. That says adventure. It says fun. It does not say, I want to get married by date seven. Right. It says, let’s have a fun, sexy, caffeinated Porsche ride together. And so much of online dating is just, let’s break.
Connell Barrett [00:20:06]:
Let’s break her out of her swiping pattern and give her something different. So that’s. I love that. Something That’s a great one.
Zach [00:20:12]:
Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:20:12]:
Or something that involves that. Right. It’s like, I’m an adrenaline junkie or I’m up for fun. I want something like. I want. I want to have a fun, really fun dates with cute girls, with cool girls and whatever you. Smart, cool farts. Smart, fun women, cool farts.
Connell Barrett [00:20:27]:
And then. Who love to fart in cool ways. And then. But painting that picture, I’ve never heard a guy talking about revving a Porsche and slamming triple espressos. That sounded different and edgy and like, oh, this is different in a good way. All right.
Zach [00:20:44]:
Okay, cool. That gives me some direction. I will work on that for sure. Um, and then for my third one, I said, what if I told you I saw a ghost of all visiting my godparents and their kids the summer I was 9 years old? I remember every detail of the event. Every single one. It’s. That one’s oddly gotten, like, a bunch of hits. But I might change it.
Zach [00:21:05]:
Up just to see what else there is. AI says sorry, there’s no feedback for that answer. It won’t give me whether that’s a good prompt or not.
Connell Barrett [00:21:15]:
I just won’t. You broke A.I.
Zach [00:21:18]:
I broke chatbot. Yeah. So we can come back on that one. But the second one I think was great. I’m really glad we worked on that. Do you recommend having a video prompt.
Connell Barrett [00:21:32]:
If you have a good video, if you have something that makes women want to learn more about you. All depends on the quality of the video. Sure. I have a little 3 second dog licking my face. It’s so gross. But cute video that women seem to like, so I use it. So yeah, if you have a p. If you have something good that’s a little quality short little video byte.
Connell Barrett [00:21:55]:
Absolutely.
Zach [00:21:56]:
And I’m assuming the video by would kind of need to fit the vibe that we just outlined for. I’ll fall for you if. Because that’s kind of the vibe that we’re trying to put out. So you got to make sure all the mark.
Connell Barrett [00:22:05]:
Yeah. I mean you want it to be part of the overall message. Doesn’t have to be connected to the off all for you part.
Zach [00:22:11]:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:22:11]:
But it certainly could, it could be in your case, since you’re looking for more fun, casual, connected but casual dating, then your video prompt could be, you know, you, you know, on a fun rooftop bar on a Friday night, cheersing your friends and like having a party, having a fun time. That could. Would appeal to your audience. Right.
Zach [00:22:33]:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:22:34]:
If you’re looking for a different type of vibe, then you’d have a different little video snippet.
Zach [00:22:40]:
Yep.
Connell Barrett [00:22:41]:
Right.
Zach [00:22:41]:
Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:22:42]:
So. So yeah, so I’m always thinking this, thinking of this through the lens of these photos, prompts and video all come together to tell a story. The story is this is who I am. This is what it would be like to date me. And that will and clearly convey, effectively conveyed that says to women, okay, I get it. He’s successful, he’s snarky, he’s fit, he’s ambitious. But he’s not looking to be a husband anytime soon. In fact, he’s just looking for a good, fun, connected time.
Connell Barrett [00:23:16]:
And we want that to come out in ways great and small. Okay.
Zach [00:23:20]:
Yeah. I, I think I need to remember that this is what it’s going to be like to date me. I think that out of what you’ve said so far, that’s the part I need to really put in my brain and remember it for sure.
Connell Barrett [00:23:30]:
Or to good or to put it even another Way, this is what’s in it for you. Date me.
Zach [00:23:38]:
Right.
Connell Barrett [00:23:39]:
And.
Zach [00:23:40]:
Right.
Connell Barrett [00:23:40]:
As opposed to what I want. I know you’re not that simplistic, but it’s like. No, no, it’s in it for me.
Zach [00:23:45]:
No, no, I think that’s important. Differentiation. Yeah. Actually this is what’s. Can you say that again?
Connell Barrett [00:23:52]:
What’s in it for her.
Zach [00:23:53]:
Right.
Connell Barrett [00:23:54]:
So how would I. I said earlier, this, you know, all these pieces come together to create. This is what it’s like to date me. But then actually it’s. This is what’s in if you date me. So it’s. This is all about her. She’s only on the app to fulfill her dating needs.
Zach [00:24:10]:
What.
Connell Barrett [00:24:11]:
Bring to her table. And that’s what we’re getting at here. That’s really what makes it effective.
Zach [00:24:15]:
Okay, okay.
Connell Barrett [00:24:17]:
Or bring what. What do you bring to your types table? You’re not going to attract everybody. Of course. Professional, sexy, cool, gorgeous woman who just doesn’t have a lot of time. She wants one or two fun, sexy dates with a super fit, super dad, business owner, successful guy. There’s a lot of women like that. Just gotta market to them, so to speak. Without making it sound like marketing.
Zach [00:24:41]:
Yeah. Really? Yeah. Okay. No, that’s. Again, that’s really helpful. Thank you. Okay, man, I’m about to hit the wrong button. Unhinged.
Zach [00:24:50]:
I think that’s it for the profile stuff. I think one of the questions I have for you, because I’m sure you’ve navigated this before, is how do you navigate. Then this may be easier once I update my profile a little bit, but like, how do you navigate letting a woman that you’re talking to especially. Let’s just say they’re a little bit younger. Maybe because I’m 40, soon to be 41. If I’m talking to someone who’s like 30, 32, 33. Right. How do you navigate letting them know your time constraints and.
Zach [00:25:30]:
And kind of what you’re able to offer in that sense? Or do you just be very straightforward with somebody? It’s like, hey, you know, I’m basic because, like I’m basically unavailable during the week. And then I can go out on Fridays. I have some time Saturdays. How do you. How would you go about communicating that to somebody?
Connell Barrett [00:25:49]:
How would I do it with my. But I have a. When I’m. When I was last single, I had a wide open schedule. How would. You’re saying, how would I have you do it?
Zach [00:25:56]:
Yeah. What would be your recommendation for somebody in my boat, AKA me, the last.
Connell Barrett [00:26:00]:
Time I was single, within reason. I could see a woman any night of the week. It’s my job, kind of. And I. And I would. My go to is, hey, what’s. What nights are good for you this week and work backwards from there. But that’s not tenable for you because as I know about you, you only have one free night per week.
Zach [00:26:18]:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:26:18]:
Maybe a second day, like Saturday day, you said, or Friday night.
Zach [00:26:23]:
Matter of days I can do, like, I can get off of work and I can definitely do a daytime date on Saturday. I just need to get back to pick my son up by like 5.
Connell Barrett [00:26:33]:
So the way I would do that is a few days before that, you know, Wednesday or so Tuesday, Wednesday, you would say to a woman, hey, I’d love to meet up with you. Fine. Let’s have our first date. Zach meets Jenny at long last. I can do Friday night, which would be amazing for me. I could also do something quicker with you on Saturday for coffee or a smoothie. What’s better for you? Just give her your schedule first. Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:26:59]:
And give her a few days notice to have, hopefully the flexibility to choose one or the other. Give her a choice, even though the choice is limited because you’re so busy.
Zach [00:27:07]:
Okay. Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:27:08]:
Okay.
Zach [00:27:09]:
Okay. Cool.
Connell Barrett [00:27:10]:
How have you been doing it?
Zach [00:27:14]:
Well, the last one the girl is texting with, I kind of this up. I was like, hey, what is your schedule? Part of my friend. Sorry, I don’t know if I can curse on this, but I was like, hey, what is your schedule in the coming week? I’d love to take you out. And she was like, oh, are you available Tuesday or Thursday? Yeah. And then I was like, oh, actually I can’t do either Tuesday or Thursday, but I can do Friday night or maybe Saturday. And then she was.
Connell Barrett [00:27:39]:
And then.
Zach [00:27:40]:
And then I kind of. Again, I kind of dropped the ball on this a little bit too. We were talking on a Sunday evening, the last, when we were texting because we got off the app and we exchanged numbers. And then Sunday night I got home super late because I was at my exes with my son and then had like Sunday night, I often have work I have to catch up on going into the week. So I did a bunch of that stuff and then I just crashed. And then last week or two weeks ago when this happened, like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, it was. It was just. I don’t know what.
Zach [00:28:10]:
I was legitimately working until 10:30 every night. And so I just. Because I would, you know, hard stop. I mean, you know, my schedule. But for those who don’t? It’s like I have a hard stop at work at 4. I go pick my son up. We get back to my ex’s house because my ex and I are still cool. We do dinner as a family.
Zach [00:28:23]:
I do bath, you know, we. We put him to bed together. And then I go home and I catch up on, on work and I finish up work. It’s usually not that insane. Usually I’m done by like, I usually get home by 8:45 and then I work until 9:30 and then I’m done. But this week it was just like 10:30, 10:45, 10:30. It was crazy. And I looked up and I was like, oh my God, I haven’t texted this girl in since Sunday.
Zach [00:28:48]:
And so I texted her on I can’t remember what day. And she was just like, are you even a real person? And I raped.
Connell Barrett [00:28:57]:
And how many days had passed Sunday to when without a text?
Zach [00:29:02]:
I think Thursday.
Connell Barrett [00:29:04]:
And had you gotten her off the app or was this still on the app?
Zach [00:29:07]:
No, this was off the app.
Connell Barrett [00:29:08]:
Oh, you’re text. Oh, on your phones. Okay.
Zach [00:29:12]:
And then I admittedly, I think I like panicked. So I sent her a voice text and I was like, hey, I’m a real person. Like I’m real with you.
Connell Barrett [00:29:22]:
I’m a real boy. I’m not.
Zach [00:29:25]:
I’m a real person. I’m made of flesh and blood. I was just like, I’m really sorry. Just here’s what my situation. Like the last couple days have been very, very intense. And then I actually told her what my situation was in the audio text, which may have been a mistake. And then she was like, oh no, that’s fine, thank you. I just wanted some communication.
Zach [00:29:45]:
And then I’ve texted her a couple of times since and nothing.
Connell Barrett [00:29:48]:
So one, I was always hottest. The iron is always hottest, right when you match and it gets hot again or stays hot by getting her off of the app and by having that three or four day lag between talking about setting up the date and then all that silence and the iron just goes ice cold. And that sounds like that’s probably what happened here for understandable reasons. You’re a busy working man, single dad.
Zach [00:30:15]:
And I understand where she’s coming from too. There was no bitterness or anything. I was, I understood. So question for you actually, because I remember you told me about this technique. Do you think I should text her and be like, I remember you said this, like, hey, I feel like, I feel like we’ve grown apart. I feel like our fire has gone Out. Didn’t you say you’ve used that a couple times?
Connell Barrett [00:30:33]:
I love that one.
Zach [00:30:35]:
Okay, I might try it.
Connell Barrett [00:30:37]:
It’s not really, but it’s not. Not in this case. So that’s the. Had a name for that. The basically connect text or the back from the dead text. Basically, yeah. You here. I just.
Connell Barrett [00:30:53]:
I actually just sent a version of it to somebody on Tinder. Who did I send it to? Let’s see here. Okay, this is Kate. Kate. We matched. Oh, my God. We matched back in January. Sent a couple of Messages, no response.
Connell Barrett [00:31:15]:
Two or three messages. And then just for shits and giggles, nine months later now, or nine or 10 months later, I wrote. And she never responded once. I’m just like, hey, wait, that Kate was really cute. I wrote. So I called this. This is like how to bring something back from the dead if it’s been seemingly dead for a long time. I don’t know, Kate.
Connell Barrett [00:31:33]:
I just feel like we’re growing apart, baby. We don’t talk anymore. We haven’t made sweet, sweet love in ages. Have you lost that love and feeling? Or should we try one more time to make romance happen? That little kissy emoji. She writes the next day. Hey. Hey, you’re hot. Miss these.
Connell Barrett [00:31:55]:
Okay, it’s back. I guess.
Zach [00:31:58]:
And then that was the first interaction you’ve ever had with her?
Connell Barrett [00:32:02]:
That was the first time she finally responded. And then I sent another one to a girl that got her right back. Dear Mom. This is when she didn’t write. After three messages, dear mom and dad, this cute girl from Tinder went quiet. Do you think she found out that I still live in your basement and then died? Beautiful, beautiful woman. Your type wrote back, Hi, lol. Sorry, I’ve been busy.
Connell Barrett [00:32:28]:
So anyway, when a woman goes quiet, you can send these funny, silly third or fourth messages to bring it back to life. But back to your question. So I would say it’s too soon. It’s not the right context to send. Baby, can we bring back that love and feeling? It’s more like have to have been apart for for weeks and weeks or maybe have lost contact. And that’s what makes it funny, is you’re talking to somebody, it’s almost gone completely quiet for a good period of time, and then you’re making her laugh out of nowhere. So I’m not saying you couldn’t find a funny message to send that girl, but the hey, let’s make this work message is more for like, you know, three months of silence when there was a. When there was something going on, but it fizzled.
Zach [00:33:15]:
That makes sense.
Connell Barrett [00:33:16]:
Yeah.
Zach [00:33:17]:
So, I mean, I guess it’s also another question for you is, like, if I were to text her again, should I just text her, like, let’s just call her Abigail just so I don’t use her name because I don’t know if she wants to be on a podcast. Sure. But, like, you know, hey, Abigail, hope you’re having a. Like, I don’t know, I hope you’ve been having a couple of good weeks. I. I know. I don’t. I don’t even know.
Zach [00:33:36]:
Like, I just. Hey, how are you doing? Have the last couple of weeks been. I hope it’s been going well. I don’t even know. What would you say in this situation?
Connell Barrett [00:33:44]:
I would say make it more playful, use your credible sense of humor, and make her smile a little bit less generic. Hey, how are you? Hope you’ve been. Well, I mean, that’s just boilerplate and I don’t disrespect, but, like, you’re funny and snarky. I would give something that gives more value. That’s something that might have a more impact. Like, I don’t know. So. So, by the way, the last exchange at all was she.
Connell Barrett [00:34:10]:
She questioned whether or not you’re real. She realized you are. And then from that was how long ago?
Zach [00:34:17]:
Let me pull it up. She was very sweet.
Connell Barrett [00:34:27]:
All right.
Zach [00:34:31]:
We’Re. So I asked her, let’s see, Sun. Saturday, September 13th. So only 10 days ago, I asked her what her coming week was like. Okay, now I got how to do that better. And she said, you free Tuesday or Thursday? And I said, I’m actually not free either. Are you free Friday night? And she said, hi. Hi, Zach.
Zach [00:34:58]:
Or should I say Mr. Busybody or Busybody? I said, yes, I am. I am Mr. Busybody right now. A little upside down smiley face emoji. And she said, I’m wondering if you’re real. And then I. And this was all on, I guess, Monday night, September 15th.
Zach [00:35:13]:
That’s when I shot her the audio text. And then she said, thanks, let me jump in.
Connell Barrett [00:35:18]:
Sorry. So I don’t lose track. So when you asked her out for that coming Friday on what day? When did you ask her out?
Zach [00:35:25]:
Saturday, September 13th.
Connell Barrett [00:35:27]:
You asked her out for Friday.
Zach [00:35:29]:
I asked what she was doing, what her schedule was like the following week. The coming week.
Connell Barrett [00:35:34]:
Right.
Zach [00:35:35]:
And then, yeah, are you free Tuesday or Thursday? And then I came back with, unfortunately, I’m not. Are you free this coming Friday?
Connell Barrett [00:35:42]:
And what day did you send that message?
Zach [00:35:45]:
Monday.
Connell Barrett [00:35:46]:
Okay. And then when did she respond to that? And what did she respond?
Zach [00:35:49]:
She responded pretty quickly. On Monday. This was 8:39pm so it’s a little bit late to. She said, hi, Zach. Or should I say Mr. Busy Body? And then I said, yes, I know I am Mr. Busybody right now. And then she said this was all within, like, yes, well, she said, I’m wondering if you’re real.
Zach [00:36:10]:
And then it was on Monday. On Monday.
Connell Barrett [00:36:13]:
Okay.
Zach [00:36:13]:
8:40Pm and that’s when I sent the audio text, kind of explaining my situation. And then she immediately replied with, thanks for sharing. I was just looking for communication, that’s all. Have a good night. And then.
Connell Barrett [00:36:26]:
Oh, I thought that. Okay, so. So you were texting her Saturday and then again Monday, but she was still busting your balls about communication?
Zach [00:36:34]:
Yes.
Connell Barrett [00:36:35]:
Okay. I mean, that’s not unreal. It’s just a little bit. She’s, like, got a high bar for responsiveness if it’s only been two days. That’s pretty. That’s. I think that’s fair. But that’s like, her high bar.
Connell Barrett [00:36:47]:
Okay, now I understand.
Zach [00:36:48]:
So your audio is breaking up a little bit. Are you getting that feedback on your end? It’s happening on my end.
Connell Barrett [00:36:56]:
Mine sounds okay.
Zach [00:36:57]:
Okay, cool. Yeah. And then I texted her on Thursday. I don’t even know what. What week this was. I mean, I messed this up and I. So I texted her Thursday of last week. I was just like, hey, Kathy, let me before.
Connell Barrett [00:37:16]:
Sorry, Zach, I’m sorry to cut you off. I don’t mean to interrupt you. I just like to jump. I see something. So when you ask a woman out you want. Assuming you are on your phone and have to be responsive, as busy as your. Then I always like to get her to an answer if I can, and not go too far down the rabbit hole of. Of her figuring out, hey, Mr.
Connell Barrett [00:37:41]:
Non Responsive. And, you know, stay on top of that. Oh, yeah, you know, I am pretty busy. Why don’t I tell you about it? All about. All about how busy I am on Friday when I’m charming you. Does that work for you?
Zach [00:37:53]:
You try.
Connell Barrett [00:37:53]:
You want to try to get her to an answer because you had this window that was still open, and then it sounds like you had to not defend yourself, but explain your situation, and you got bogged down into why you’re not responding as opposed to what I advised, I’d like to think. Which is get her to an answer. If it’s no, fine. Or if she just doesn’t answer, that’s fine, too. But you had kind of like, the date on the hook, maybe. And then because you’re busy and because she was pushing back a little bit, she was nibbling on the hook and the tasty. This tasty little morsel, but the fish got away.
Zach [00:38:30]:
It really felt to me like I fumbled. You know what I mean? That’s what it felt like when I looked, when I, like, kind of going through it. It very much felt like I was, like, getting to the goal line and then just fumbled.
Connell Barrett [00:38:39]:
We all fumble. It’s okay. We all fumble. But I would say whenever I do ask a girl out, I’m going to get her to an answer or at least try to, unless she goes quiet or just says, you know, doesn’t respond. So I would have at least asked again or tried to respond to her reasonable point about you not being responsive. Oh, yeah, I’m so busy. I’m just totally. Oh, my God, I’ve got all this going on, but I’d love to get to know you.
Connell Barrett [00:39:06]:
And if you’re busy, if you’re free this Friday, that’s a great night for me. And kind of keep pushing toward the date, but with resilience.
Zach [00:39:14]:
Is it cool? I guess I probably know your answer, but, like, especially in the beginning to like, oh, yeah, I’m so sorry. I was so busy. There was, you know, I was out helping old ladies and fighting crime, and it’s just been a lot and. Because I don’t know if I want to, like, give all the details yet with somebody, but I think, yeah, I. I hear you. Set the date. Get there. This also means on my end, I’m gonna have to do a better job with certain parts of, like, coordinating with my ex about, like, what time I’m getting out of there on Friday.
Zach [00:39:47]:
Because part of it was I was like. I was getting. There was a chance I was gonna take my son to a play date, which I ended up taking him to. So I was getting back late. So much stuff going on, but neither here nor there. Okay, I gotcha. Set the date. And you got to get it within that date, that window.
Connell Barrett [00:40:04]:
It’s almost. It’s a little bit. Look, sales don’t have a lot of. But if you’ve ever done. Done sales, it’s like, you gotta get that customer to an answer one way or another. Do you want this Porsche or not? Like, oh, well, you know, I don’t know about that. Maybe. And you address the question, the object.
Connell Barrett [00:40:21]:
In her case, it was, hey, dude, you’re not being quite as responsive as I like. And that’s her right to feel that way. So you handle the objection maybe with some humor. Oh, I’m so busy. Crazy. I’ve been so busy the last day trying to think of the perfect thing to text you because you’re so damn cute and charming and get her laughing again. So, yeah, anyway, how about Friday night? And anyway, so that’s what I would have hopefully advised you, talking about that situation when it.
Zach [00:40:49]:
No, this is great because this is the second time I’ve done this. And I know this is. Some of this is coming from a bit of a mental block I’m having, which is I need to commit myself to saying if I set a date with somebody on a Friday night or Saturday during the day, then that means I am not available to stay late and help out with stuff at my ex’s place or get there early on a Saturday. I think I mentally need to say these times are mine because I think. I know this might sound strange, but, like, when I was mentally doing these gymnastics with my mind of, like, oh, would I need to stay late on a Friday to get our son home late on a Friday from a play date? Would I want to do that? And like, oh, maybe I’ll do out with this girl. And I’m like, here’s my advice.
Connell Barrett [00:41:39]:
Yeah, real talk, because we’ve been talking, we’ve been doing this dance for a while and you still haven’t been on a date. Not because you can’t get one, but because you’re busy. Burn the boats. Decide that you’re going on a date next Friday to happen. You are going on a date with a gorgeous, cool chick. Just a matter of who she is and from what app or from what approaching phone number. And clear your Friday night and be ready and treat it like this has to happen. Not a not could, maybe should.
Connell Barrett [00:42:14]:
This is a must. And she’s going to be hot and she’s going to be cool and she’s going to love to meet Zach the Man and treat it that way. It’s like, this is going to happen. If you don’t have a date that night, come out with me and meet some girls with me and my clients and you can have an instant date right then and there. Could do that. I would burn the boats.
Zach [00:42:35]:
Oh, fuck. I don’t even think I realized how half in, half out, and how, like, lukewarm I’ve been, which is. And I know this from a million things in life, which is the worst way to approach something, but I think this is actually from, like a dude. Yeah, it’s the second time I’ve done it. I didn’t even realize you’re at. Yeah, I have. You’re right. You’re right.
Zach [00:42:56]:
You’re right for sure. And I gotta. Man. Wow. I didn’t even realize that.
Connell Barrett [00:43:04]:
What are you realizing?
Zach [00:43:06]:
Well, again, like, just how. How uncommitted to this process, to getting the. How uncommitted to setting and following through on a date. I’ve actually been okay, where it’s been, like, mess around with the apps, get some messages, do this, this all feels nice, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then it has to go get real. Which then means meeting a girl for a date, which I haven’t done in 16 years.
Connell Barrett [00:43:37]:
Is that all?
Zach [00:43:43]:
And then navigating any potential situations that would come up with my ex. Thankfully, she’s been relatively cool, so. But like, I like. Wow. Wow.
Connell Barrett [00:43:56]:
Yeah. So begin with the end in mind. This is the end. Here’s Friday night. Today’s Tuesday. So I don’t know what your week is like this week. So maybe this Friday is or is not the night to do it. But.
Connell Barrett [00:44:07]:
But essentially mark the next free Friday you have and say, here’s what is going to happen. Here’s what I’m committed to having happen. And don’t just do it, because I’m saying be committed. Get excited. Imagine waking up Saturday morning with this beautiful woman in your bed. Maybe if it goes really well, or maybe you don’t hook up, but you have the most incredible first date and a great connection and you’re all over each other and you can’t wait to see each other or you make out in the rain and you’re like, oh my God, I can’t believe I waited this long. I forgot how great it feels to kiss another woman who smells differently, feels differently than my former partner, God love her, but time for somebody new and just fall in love with the outcome. Fall in love with how good it’s going to feel to finally get that first date under your belt and maybe take your belt off too when the moment’s right.
Connell Barrett [00:45:02]:
Just kind of how good it’ll feel. And that’ll give you maybe some added juice and motivation. Burn the boats. Worst case scenario, come out with me on a Friday night with my clients or go out with some of your wingmen and meet some girls. That way you might have an instant date. If you don’t find somebody for a Friday night date from the app, a guy like you, you’re going to leave many a bar or a club with a cool woman on your arm or at Least a couple numbers in your phone. So make Friday night Zach’s. Friday night is bang o’.
Connell Barrett [00:45:34]:
Clock. Go out and go out at Bang45 and see what you can do or love 45 or whatever you want to call it.
Zach [00:45:43]:
That’s what I would start with. All right, man, I hear you. Thank you. I don’t. Damn. I didn’t realize, like, how badly I needed a little come to Jesus talk. Okay, thank you.
Connell Barrett [00:45:55]:
Yeah. I’m an atheist. Let’s call it a come to Buddha talk.
Zach [00:45:58]:
You come to Buddha talk. As an agnostic, it’s coming to the great unknown. All right, cool. Very cool. Okay. Those were my main questions.
Connell Barrett [00:46:13]:
Sweet. Anything else on your mind? Just random stuff approaching.
Zach [00:46:23]:
Well, I think most of that stuff. I think you’ve answered a lot of the questions I’ve had in general. And it’s always just keeping. Keeping a banter, keeping it playful. So one question, one question I have. This goes back to a conversation you and I have been having lately about the four flirting frequencies and especially about rect talk. And what are some of the signs. I know you’ve talked about this a little bit with me, but what are some of the signs and signs of the signals? Like when you’re with someone, whether you’re talking to them on an app or messaging them away from the app, or communicating with them in person, that.
Zach [00:47:04]:
That gives you an idea of whether or not, like, when to switch, maybe from like banter to more direct talk. Because banter and direct talk to me seem to be pretty different and they’re going to resonate quite differently. Right. Where it’s like. And they almost seem almost like incompatible. Maybe I’m wrong about this, but it’s like banter and being emotional. What was the four again? It was like banter direction. Yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:47:28]:
There’s different ways to flirt with different women. There’s a thousand ways, essentially limitless number of ways, but they all fall into one of four categories of different ways to flirt. You’ve got banter, you’ve got clear statements of romantic interest. You’re sexy, you’re cool, you’re cute, you’ve got good old fashioned emotional connection. Finding out you have the similar things in common and feeling the same way about things. Commonalities, basically. And then you’ve got physical, nonverbal. Right.
Connell Barrett [00:47:58]:
There’s the way you look at a woman that’s going to be different than the way you look at me, as much as I know you like me. And there’s physical touch. Right. There’s a way you touch a Woman on a date that might be a little bit different than when you’re putting your arm on, your hand on my shoulder, saying, here’s what we’re doing today with your workout. Anyway, so all flirting comes into basically one of these. These four panels. And in terms of what works, your question was, how do you know? How do you know?
Zach [00:48:28]:
Yeah, Because I think. I think it’s easy for me to banter with people, right. I think an area where I probably don’t switch into often enough and is probably an area that would be beneficial for me to switch into is more of like, that direct statements of intent, that. Direct communication, like changing out my physical touch a little bit. So I guess I have two questions. Like, one, do you. Do you have any recommendations for someone who’s kind of like, whose default is banter, but who wants to start switching over a little more? Like, are there certain ways that you might do this? Like certain statements you might make, certain opportunities. Opportunities you would look for, certain ways you might obviously appropriately touch somebody, but then could be a little more suggestive in that sense.
Connell Barrett [00:49:13]:
Yeah. What context are we talking about? A first date?
Zach [00:49:16]:
Let’s talk about being out at a bar. Let’s say you’ve approached somebody. You’re talking. You’re at a bar. And maybe this is either like, when you’re thinking about who you want to approach or you’ve approached, it’s gone well, and now you’re talking. You’ve been talking for, I don’t know, I don’t know, 10, 15 minutes. But ever, I think. Let’s go with the second.
Zach [00:49:35]:
Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:49:37]:
You’re five, 10 minutes into a conversation with a woman. Then first. I always play to my strengths, which in your case, I think are. What comes naturally to you, is just banter, shooting the. Which you’re great at, and you’re just simply. What you’re looking for is, is she bantering with me? Is she hitting the ball back? Or is she just enjoying what I’m saying? But she’s not engaging, she’s not hitting the ball back. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s just that probably means she doesn’t know how to banter, at least the way you do.
Connell Barrett [00:50:09]:
And that can get in the way of you. The two of you, really kind of escalating things flirtatiously. It’s not going to hurt you, but it might not be the best way to hit it off with. And so, for example, my girlfriend Jess, on our first date, our banter was off the charts. It was insane. It was Like a rom com movie. And then we just kept getting, it got better and better and better and then different part of my date, my first date with Jess and clinked. I said to her, you know what’s really sexy about you? It’s really sexy that you’re so funny and quick witted.
Connell Barrett [00:50:45]:
I really, I love your intelligence, your humor.
Zach [00:50:47]:
It’s pretty rare.
Connell Barrett [00:50:48]:
I kind of broke the mask of banter and just said a clear statement of interest. That’s not a bad move. But I found out it’s not. She likes men to flirt with her. She didn’t, didn’t hurt the date. But she later said, yeah, just don’t like that. Kind of back to your sexy. She didn’t say I lost any points with her.
Connell Barrett [00:51:10]:
I could just see she appreciated intimate, but it didn’t land in a way that necessarily took things to the next level. But she loves when I let her know she’s sexy in different ways. So anyway, back to your question. You start with your strengths, which in your case is absolute. Oh, go ahead.
Zach [00:51:27]:
So actually I have a follow up question on that then before we go back, which is then like, go ahead. If you’re out on a date with somebody or you’re kind of in the moment with somebody, how do you like, how do you like. I mean, look, you’re obviously reading their body language, you’re reading their non verbal, you’re getting a sense for them and that’s what’s giving you, you know, the majority of your data in terms of what, what to go with here. But like, let’s say you want to experiment a little bit, right? Because I think one of the things I’ve always been curious about, not always I’ve been curious about as I’ve started getting more reps, going out and you know, meeting people and kind of seeing where the night goes is I’m wondering if, if I’m a little more direct or a little more clear with certain women, if that may help progress things a little bit more. But I’m always like, I wonder how the right way to slide this in. If we’ve been bantering, if it’s been fun, like how do you kind of like switch gears in that sense? Am I asking a good question that has an actual answer or am I just asking nonsense?
Connell Barrett [00:52:28]:
You just do it. You just make a decision in your mind to go, okay, it’s time to say and clear and specific. And here’s a story. I think I told you this during off, off mic at some point, but I’ll Retell the anecdote quickly. I’m on a first date many years ago with a woman named Rebecca. And we are in a rooftop bar. And I was drinking at the time. And so I had a few drinks.
Connell Barrett [00:52:56]:
It was loose, it was fun. And banter is my comfort zone. Funny, witty banter on my better days. Anyway. It’s my straight, my strength. And it wasn’t really taking the date anywhere. She wasn’t not enjoying me, but it was just. It was fine.
Connell Barrett [00:53:11]:
I could see it going to a friend zone situation. So I’m thinking, okay, what is the deepest, truest thing I’m thinking about her? That vulgar. She walks, she gets up, she excuses herself. We’re sitting on these couches next to each other at a cool rooftop spot. And she says, I’ll be right back. I’m going to the ladies room. She walks away. And as she walks away, I watch her walk.
Connell Barrett [00:53:37]:
And she’s 5 10, very slender, really, really pretty. And I say, and she’s got a super sexy walk. And I said to myself, that is the sexiest walk I have seen in years. I could not take my eyes off her. And then a little voice, that little coach in my head said, tell her that. Tell her that when she comes. Because whatever’s happening now, it’s going fine, but it’s not going anywhere. Amazing, right? So she gets back and she sits next to me, and I throw my arm over her shoulder.
Connell Barrett [00:54:07]:
So I make a physical move as well. I wasn’t thinking necessarily that I just did it naturally. I threw my arm over her shoulder and I said, I gotta tell you something. Pulled her close. I watched you walk to the ladies room. A minute ago. I could not take my eyes off you. You have the sexiest walk I’ve seen since Barack Obama was president or something like that.
Connell Barrett [00:54:27]:
This is many years after Obama. And as I’m saying this to her, she, for the first time all night, she begins to melt into me. And she puts her hands on my chest, and all of a sudden, we’re basically embracing. We look like we’re about to make out. We didn’t at that point, but it looked like it two minutes earlier. We were sitting next to each other and just having a fun, bantery conversation. And now we’re like, my arms over her shoulders, she’s like, oh, well, I did some modeling, you know, in my 20s. I know how to walk on the Runway.
Connell Barrett [00:55:01]:
And I said, yeah, you do know how to walk on the Runway. And then I said, okay, this is working. I’ll just double down I’m being really honest and direct. I said, oh, and just so you know, this is early in January. Just so you know, I. I gave up pleasuring myself for a New Year’s resolution. And you’re making it really hard right now. And she loved it.
Connell Barrett [00:55:26]:
She giggled. She’s like, oh my God, do you talk to everybody this way? And it completely changed the tenor of the date. So the lesson here, if there is one, is simply, you don’t have to make it smooth. You just go, you know what? This bantering thing hasn’t really worked that well. Let me just fucking put it out there. When in doubt, just speak deep, honest, real truth. As long as it’s not vulgar or super weird. And then sometimes a woman just wants to hear exactly what a guy’s thinking.
Connell Barrett [00:55:51]:
And that really made Rebecca. I was definitely in the friend zone. And all of a sudden I’m basically making out with her. And it happened in less than five minutes, all. Cause I just said it’s time to be direct. So you just make a decision to put it in that gear.
Zach [00:56:03]:
I hear you, man. Okay. All right, cool. I’m looking forward to switching that gear. I think that’s going to be a good gear for me to switch and it’s not.
Connell Barrett [00:56:10]:
How do you feel about the idea of direct statement like that, telling a woman on a first date or 15 minutes into a conversation that you find her sexy, scary, exciting, horrifying, awesome? Nothing? None of the above. Okay.
Zach [00:56:27]:
It feels kind of. It feels kind of in line with kind of where my brain is at, to be honest with you. And I. To me, it kind of seems like it will resonate with the type of women that I want to be spending my time with right now. And I’m obviously going to do it in. In an appropriate, non vulgar, Like I would never make anybody uncomfortable with it.
Connell Barrett [00:56:50]:
Sure.
Zach [00:56:50]:
So. So if it it all. It also kind of seems a bit like a filter in a good way where it’s like, if it turns somebody off and they’re like, I don’t want to hang with this guy at the bar, it’s like, okay, cool, I can move on to somebody else who might be a little more in line with kind of what I’m looking for. And it also like, it also, I think. How do I phrase this? Yeah, it seems good. And again. And also I think it seems a little more authentic with kind of where I’m at.
Connell Barrett [00:57:20]:
One of my aha moments. I think this is in the first chapter of the book, as my first coach said in the Little pre. Brief. That night before I went out to approach women for the first time ever in my Life at age 38. This guy went by the name Ryan, not his real name. He. He told me and the tour on the program with me, here’s your. Here’s your religion for tonight.
Connell Barrett [00:57:42]:
Memorize this phrase or tell yourself this mantra. What. What I’m thinking and feeling is what I’m saying and doing. What? Thinking and feeling is what I’m saying and doing. He said, I want you to align your thoughts, your words, and your actions. See a hot girl, walk over to her and say, hey, you’re hot. If you’re in your head and nervous because you’re sober, say, oh, I’m in my head. I’m nervous because I’m sober.
Connell Barrett [00:58:04]:
He was like, don’t try to filter everything through the lens of, am I good enough? What’s the right thing to say? He’s like, just speak the deepest truth. That’s what he said. Speak the deepest truth you’re feeling. And I just remember that was what I essentially used to fuel me to walk over to that girl as written in my book. This girl I had hit it off with, these three Wall street guys had been kind of temporarily away from me. He’s just like, go over there. Do what you want. Say what you want, and do what you want.
Connell Barrett [00:58:34]:
I walked over, took her back from the. Said, hey, it’s not cool of you to flirt with other guys in front of me. You’re with me. And she. Okay. I was like, whoa, this shit works. What? And that’s. That’s in that moment.
Connell Barrett [00:58:50]:
That was what was called for. So it’s a contextual thing. There are moments when different. There’s a moment when a banter is perfect. There’s moments when emotional vulnerability is perfect. And there will definitely be some moments, Zach, with some women where they want you to look them in the eye and say, hey, I want to take you home and make you feel really good in my. Or whatever it would be.
Zach [00:59:13]:
And I actually think that’s really good advice in the sense of. I don’t think that there. I don’t think that what I’m saying and projecting is actually aligned with what I’m thinking and feeling. And I think that I am. I don’t know why I’m doing this, but there’s much more of like, a. Like a nicer guy kind of vibe that I’m putting out where it’s almost. It’s almost like the person that I was at 24 is like, what’s on the surface where it’s like, hey, I genuinely wanted to, like, get a. Like a.
Zach [00:59:45]:
Like a girl and, like, have a family and have this, you know, and, like, go build a life. And I don’t even know if I’ve ever kind of thought or even acted or felt the way I feel right now. And again, it’s all coming from a place of, like, this is. It’s not about using anybody or doing anything wrong. This is about, like, making genuine connections authentically, but just in a very different, very different vibe. And I don’t even know if I’ve ever tried this vibe on myself. Does that make any sense where it’s like. I don’t think I’ve ever acted or said what is on my mind in the way that it’s on my mind now.
Zach [01:00:21]:
And I think that that might be. I’m very excited to make that switch and see where it goes.
Connell Barrett [01:00:31]:
And give me an example. Give me a hypothetical example of you with the kind of girl you’re super excited to date and to get to know. What is something that you would say to her if you had Wonder woman’s rope of truth around you and you’re 30 minutes into a really good first date with your type of wow girl? What is that real thing that you would say to her? Possibly.
Zach [01:00:59]:
All right, so what’s your name in this situation? Give me a name.
Connell Barrett [01:01:08]:
What’s a cute. What’s a really attractive name for a girl? How about Brooke with an E?
Zach [01:01:13]:
That’s a good name. All right, so it would probably be something along the lines of, like, look, Brooke, I’ve been loving listening to you for the last 30 minutes, but I, like, I gotta think this through a little more. But it’s something along the lines of, like, the way that you are moving and talking and your dress is making thinking of anything else next to impossible. I’m gonna rally. But please understand, I am extraordinarily distracted right now.
Connell Barrett [01:01:50]:
Love it. That’s. That’s great.
Zach [01:01:52]:
That was probably Ruby.
Connell Barrett [01:01:53]:
Yeah, that’s great. Absolutely. And that’s how you would. You. That would be. If you want me to get into my dick, put my dating strategies cap on. That’s perfect for, like, you kind of broke. 30 minutes of small talk, getting to know each other, get comfortable in each other’s space, and you’re like, oh, God damn.
Connell Barrett [01:02:14]:
There’s something about. She’s feminine and soft and she smells good, and. And then that’s the thing to say. I don’t know, 45 minutes in, and that’s only like a six out of 10 in terms of what you could say. And then two or three notches later, it might be something a bit more a raunchy. So you level up to that. You wouldn’t throw that right away, as you know. But no, that’s great.
Connell Barrett [01:02:37]:
That’s the kind of thing that we’re. So where that clear, direct. It’s. It’s direct. It’s clear what you mean by that? Right. So that’s. I would call that statement of intent. And yeah, maybe think about when in doubt, speak your true thoughts.
Connell Barrett [01:03:00]:
As long as it’s not vulnerable, just say what you’re thinking. And the truth is, women really respect that. Most guys are so afraid to come off as creepy. Say you do the wrong thing that if you just like put it out there. I. This is a weird thing to not. I’m not ashamed of this, not proud of it. But I was.
Connell Barrett [01:03:21]:
It was honest in the moment so early. Like literally a few weeks into my working with coaches. This is literally 17 years ago. I’ve got all this momentum. I’m approaching girls. I’m on a date with a woman named Courtney. Call her Courtney. And it wasn’t going great.
Connell Barrett [01:03:40]:
Courtney and I just weren’t vibing on that second date on a Saturday night. We’re at a karaoke bar called Tracy. J’s not there anymore and Courtney’s in the bathroom. And I’m just like, oh, this date’s going nowhere. And I’m wearing a skinny 80s tie because we had gone to a 80s themed dance place. And this really pretty girl. I’m up at the bar getting a drink and this really pretty girl says, hey, that’s a cute tie. And I could see she’s kind of giving me a little bit of a look.
Connell Barrett [01:04:10]:
And we start chatting and I’m thinking, okay, what’s the most honest thing? What is honest? What is honest? What’s real? And I said, can I be honest with you? I’m on a date right now and it’s not going well. She’s in the bathroom. I only have about 45 seconds to talk to you before she comes back. But you seem cool and you’re very pretty and I would love to grab your number. And after I end this mediocre date, talk to you and maybe find a time to meet you. And she’s like, that’s kind of awesome and douchey what you just did. And then she gives me her number. She’s like, you know what she basically said.
Connell Barrett [01:04:53]:
But I appreciate the candor she Gives me her number. Let’s call her. Audrey, I don’t even know. And I’m like, cool. If you see me leave with her, you know the situation. It was great meeting you. I’ll text you. She’s like, okay.
Connell Barrett [01:05:06]:
Do you think I stood out to that girl that night?
Zach [01:05:08]:
100%.
Connell Barrett [01:05:10]:
So the date, by the way. Then my date comes back. I say, this is like gold. I’m just gonna do the same thing with her. So I sit down with the actual girl I’m on a date with and I say, can I be honest with you? I’m Jim Carrey in Liar a lot.
Zach [01:05:27]:
Liar.
Connell Barrett [01:05:27]:
I’m just like. I’m like, we’re not vibing tonight. And you said and did XYZ thing. That kind of annoyed me. And I know I annoyed you. I’m sorry. Bottom line is I think you’re pretty fantastic and I want us to restart tonight. And I just, I, you know, I think you’re fucking awesome.
Connell Barrett [01:05:43]:
Anyway, I kind of just. I didn’t even say anything. Brilliant. It was coming from a really truthful place and she was like, wow, I really appreciate that. So we went back to my place and the night ended well with the date that was going awfully. And then two nights later, I had a first date with the girl who complimented my tie. So, yeah, that was like when I really got into this religion of I’m just gonna speak and say the truth and know it’s honesty. That kind of raw, candid honesty can actually be the best dating policy.
Connell Barrett [01:06:16]:
Authenticity, baby. So something to try. The Wonder Woman rope of truth is around you on dates. That was like the mental I always had in my mind. Oh, what would I say if I could not lie?
Zach [01:06:28]:
It’s a really good visual.
Connell Barrett [01:06:34]:
Plus you get to think of Gal Gadot.
Zach [01:06:36]:
Oh, she’s the best.
Connell Barrett [01:06:37]:
Feels good.
Zach [01:06:38]:
She’s the best.
Connell Barrett [01:06:40]:
And I think an under underrated actress. I think she’s good.
Zach [01:06:44]:
Yeah, for sure.
Connell Barrett [01:06:44]:
She’s very good.
Zach [01:06:46]:
It’s interesting. This is a second. This is a bit of a non. Her and like Dua Lipa are like two of my favorites. So I can tell my type of. That’s like my do, do, do.
Connell Barrett [01:06:57]:
All right, parting final question with 60 seconds left. Anything you’d like to ask me real quick or just talk about? Are you good to go?
Zach [01:07:04]:
Nah, man. I think you answered so many questions. You really. This, this conversation helped me have some deeper realizations that I was not expecting to have. I think you need to bill me an invoice for a therapy session and not just a dating coach session. So New York greats. I think it’s like, what, 450 or 500 for a good therapy session. So you just send.
Zach [01:07:28]:
Send the invoice over, man.
Connell Barrett [01:07:31]:
But, yeah, I like to never leave a coaching session asking my guy to commit to a specific action he’s going to take in the next seven days. What specific action that gets you closer to your dating outcome? Are you committed to taking in the next, say, seven to 10 days?
Zach [01:07:49]:
Well, it’s a really good question. If you’re going out on Friday, I’ll be there. I’m committed to that, yeah. If I don’t have Fearless Friday. Fearless Friday, the night of a thousand.
Connell Barrett [01:07:59]:
I do Fearless Friday. I do a night. It’s called Fearless Friday. Night of 100 approaches. My girlfriend and I go out, and my local New York City guys we talk to. I bring a little click. It’s like, let’s approach girls total. And it’s just a fun thing to do.
Connell Barrett [01:08:14]:
So you are invited. Okay.
Zach [01:08:16]:
Thank you. What were we joking about before that? If I just ran around the bar, I was like, I like your dress. I like your dress. I like your dress. I like your dress. Those don’t count, right?
Connell Barrett [01:08:27]:
I don’t know. If a woman hears you, it counts in my book.
Zach [01:08:30]:
Okay, cool. And then the other thing I will commit to doing is the next time I am in one of those situations where it’s about setting a date, giving my schedule. That is because. And that is something 100 I can commit to you, and then in the next seven to 10 days. That’s a toughie. Oh, no.
Connell Barrett [01:08:52]:
Well, let me ask you this. This coming Friday. Yeah. Do you have any. Here’s. We’re recording this on a Tuesday. Let me throw this at you. This Friday night, you will either be on a date with a woman, preferably from a dating app, or if not, come out Fearless Friday, meet the guys, and you’re gonna meet some ladies on Friday night, no matter what.
Zach [01:09:18]:
That I can 100% commit to. That’s committed.
Connell Barrett [01:09:21]:
That’s more than enough for the sake of the pod. Something I learned with the Tony Robbins taking Tony horses and something he always said, which is never leave the site. A breakthrough, an insight, some kind of realization you’ve had without committing to a specific action to then, like, turn the realization into measurable action. It’s just action’s always the answer, baby. Almost always. Not that you wouldn’t take action, but that’s why I wanted to end with that.
Zach [01:09:50]:
Well, this will be one of the First Fridays. I kind of hope I don’t have a date because I really fun coming out on Friday.
Connell Barrett [01:09:56]:
Well, I’m a big fan of search your ideal outcome. Here’s your ideal outcome. In my book, ideal outcome is you do have a date. Well, awesome girl, you guys hit it off. And on your way to having love in the night, you swing by Fearless Friday, say hi to me, meet some of guys, and meet my girlfriend, and then you and this other lady friend go off into the night. That’s your ideal outcome. But then there’s also other great outcomes that could happen too. So I always like to assert what you want.
Zach [01:10:26]:
This is awesome. Is great.
Connell Barrett [01:10:27]:
Awesome.
Zach [01:10:28]:
Thanks, man.
Connell Barrett [01:10:29]:
All right, and then you listen. If you want to be coached by a middle aged ginger guy who looks like the lead singer of Weezer, then all you gotta do is go to datingtransformation.com you can book a free call with me and I will help you with your dating life. Or at least we’ll talk and see what kind of dating goals you have. And if I think I can help you, I’ll tell you how I can do that. So go to datingtransformation.com and hit the book a call button or just go to the website. I got so many great podcasts on my website, lots of great advice and datingtransformation.com thank you, Zach for my guest today, bro.
Zach [01:11:09]:
Awesome, thanks.
Connell Barrett [01:11:10]:
I’ll see you Friday, Zach. And I’ll see you guys in the next podcast. All right, good night.
Zach [01:11:16]:
Bye, Sam.
