Connell Barrett [00:00:00]:
This bio reads like it’s like an incel, a drill sergeant, and a dominatrix all had a baby, and that baby hired Andrew Tate to be his dating coach. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I’m your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am here to help you get a great girlfriend and do it by being authentic. None of that sketchy pickup artist BS. And greetings from Miami. I am here writing my second book. It’s about flirting.
Connell Barrett [00:00:39]:
I can’t tell you exactly what it’s about, but I’m really excited about it. And I wanted to come someplace here in February and just take 10, 15 days, 2 weeks basically, and crank out the first few chapters of my second book. I’m so stoked about it. So greetings from Miami. And today’s episode, in about 5 minutes, I’m going to give you a real treat. I’m going to go through 10 or 12 of the worst online dating profiles I’ve ever seen. I’m going to roast some men, not you, but I’m going to roast some of the worst bios and worst photos I’ve ever seen on the dating apps. We’re going to have a little bit of fun.
Connell Barrett [00:01:22]:
So stick around for that. Today’s about mostly laughs and fun, not quite so many how-to tips today, but I do want to give you one thing that I think will help you since today’s topic is online dating. So I’m in Miami and I got here about a week ago and had a really interesting experience. I get to my hotel, check my phone, check my messages, and I’m on a couple of the dating apps. I’m not actually on them. For dating. I have a very steady, wonderful girlfriend. I have my dream partner, my dream girlfriend, Jess.
Connell Barrett [00:01:54]:
That said, I’m a dating coach, so I’m on a couple of apps. My profile’s active on apps just so I can see what’s going on on Hinge and Bumble and Tinder and the like. So I check my Bumble, and my matches here in Miami absolutely explode. All of a sudden, I’ve got, gosh, twice as many amazing matches on Bumble. And I’m doing pretty darn good in New York City where I live. I’m a dating coach. I better be doing pretty well on the apps because I coach men in how to get more, more matches and more dates from the apps. But all of a sudden in Miami, it went crazy.
Connell Barrett [00:02:29]:
You would have thought I was Ryan Gosling. You would have thought I was, I don’t know, James Bond. Just like dozens of super quality attractive women who were matching with me all of a sudden. And I’m pretty clear why this happened. First, when you go to a new city, you get a new location boost. Most apps, Bumble included, temporarily increase your visibility when you’re in a new city. So my increased results were partly algorithmic, sort of like algorithmic freshness, you might say. And it’s also part of the way apps work to just keep people engaged.
Connell Barrett [00:03:09]:
They want you to be happy, right? The— apps are trying Apps are not rigged against you. Apps are actually trying to help you. They want your money. They want you to be happy. So it was partially algorithmic and just partly product designed. That’s how apps hook you in. And, and then sure enough, 2 or 3 days in, I could see my, my matches went back to my normal baseline of solid, good matches. But I was like a superhero for a couple days.
Connell Barrett [00:03:39]:
Second though, I think there was something that was an even bigger factor that’s got nothing to do with the algorithm. And here’s where I have something I want to share with you. The unicorn factor. Let’s call it market contrast. My theory of the case is I’m a bit of a unicorn here in Miami, at least compared to New York City. Not because I’m universally more attractive here. It’s the same profile, but because I’m different from the local male baseline. And this distinction is really important for you to understand so that you can make potential changes to your profile to make you stand out in your market.
Connell Barrett [00:04:21]:
So keep this in mind, attraction and matches on the apps, it’s, it’s relative to your market. Women aren’t swiping in a vacuum, okay? They’re comparing you to the 30, 40, 50 other guys they saw that day. And if you can contrast sharply with that pattern, then all of a sudden your perceived value, for lack of a better term, spikes in their eyes. And this is a lever that you can pull without having to move cities. So how do you do that? How do you create what I call unicorn energy in your own backyard? Uh, because not everybody can just pull up stakes and go to Miami. And date here? I’m not dating here, but I’m here for work. Well, think of it this way. There’s a couple of different strategies that I think would really help you.
Connell Barrett [00:05:14]:
First, number one is think of the pattern interrupt possibility, right? You want to pattern interrupt your look. Most guys in any city tend to cluster into a narrow sort of visual band. You know, in Miami, the typical guy is going to be shirtless, nightlife, boat photos. Yeah, I’ve been seeing these guys all week. In New York City, you got a lot of guys like me, rooftop drinks guy, suits, you know, gym shots, button-downs, urban life, restaurants, bars. In Denver, guys are hiking and growing their beard out and being all crunchy. And so you want to not just think of your online dating profile through the lens of what are the best photos, what’s the best bio, those are important. You want to think of it through this template of how do I look compared to other guys? Ask yourself, what does every other guy here look like and come off? And how can I be different and an exception but still attractive? So one of the best things you can do is to go on a dating app and look at the men in your town.
Connell Barrett [00:06:34]:
Look at the— look at your competition. See what 20 profiles look like and compare yourself to them. Not in terms of your attractiveness, just notice what the baseline guy is. And you want to stand out. You just want to stand out. So you want to stand out. Second thing you want to think about is you want to try to— part about online dating is you— it’s not just about who has the best photos. It’s about the identity that is coming out through your photos, right? Every photo tells a story, and that story says, here’s what kind of guy this is.
Connell Barrett [00:07:11]:
And so there’s always a subtext to the photos. My profile in New York City basically says successful New York City guy. You know, published author, writer, author, urban, white-collar, liberal dude. That just sort of pops off my online dating profile. And you know what? I’m probably blending in with a lot of other guys. I could probably improve my profile and market myself in a different way and stand out more in New York City. That was an interesting little lesson I got from my Bumble swiping— or not swiping, but but visibility the other day. So yeah, you want to think about what identity am I projecting? You know, some weak examples of identities to project, a weak one would be, you know, a weak identity would be sweet and safe.
Connell Barrett [00:08:16]:
It would be generic entrepreneur. Women see that a lot. Love to travel. Now that can be attractive, but it’s common, right? It’s very common. A weak identity to lean into is probably going to be something like, like food, like food and family. Generically, I should say family. Don’t get me wrong, loving food, loving your family, these are important things. But a lot of guys say, oh my God, I love to go out to eat.
Connell Barrett [00:08:55]:
A lot of guys say I love my family. And those identities, it’s not weak, but it’s common, right? How can you pop off of this profile and convey a part of your identity that’s different? Some strong identity examples would be would be dancer, salsa lover if you dance, stand-up comedian. It can be from the heart. I had a client who his first profile was him volunteering with rescue dogs. Oh my gosh, Derek is his name. Derek’s profile went crazy with matches because he just hit women right in the heart. Volunteering with rescue dogs. That was the identity that really popped for him.
Connell Barrett [00:09:42]:
So ask yourself, what identity is authentic to you, to me, but that’s different than what other women— that so many women are seeing from other guys. And the other way to think about it is, this is a smart thought, a smart thing I was just talking with a client about. So many guys make this mistake. They just think, okay, I’m gonna put my guy resume on my profile. Here’s my male resume. I like the gym. I like to work hard, play hard. Male resume.
Connell Barrett [00:10:16]:
And that does make sense. But remember, every part of your profile, it’s about you, but it’s for her. It is for her. So instead of putting your quote-unquote male resume, on your profile or having that vibe. Optimize for female fantasy. The best profiles that my clients and I launch and succeed is an identity comes out that speaks to a, a part of women that they fantasize about. I don’t mean sexual fantasy. I mean aspirational.
Connell Barrett [00:10:50]:
Women want this kind of guy. That’s the unicorn I’m talking about. So what are some things that create that female fantasy feeling when they see your profile? A man of adventure, a man who is doing something rugged, action-oriented, the hero in his hero’s journey. You’re climbing that rock wall at the gym, or even better, you’re climbing an actual rock wall. That would be rugged and outdoorsy and awesome. Again, It has to be authentic. But that’s one option. You— I had a client, this amazing guy, I’ll call him Roger.
Connell Barrett [00:11:30]:
I don’t want to use his name because he’s really private. He— the identity that popped for him was surfer dude. That speaks to a female fantasy. That’s a type. That’s a type of guy a lot of women will be drawn to. And all of a sudden, his His matches went crazy just because we took some good photos of him on the beach with his surfboard, speaking to that identity side. And if I was going to overhaul my current profile, just to see, just to see if I could take things to the next level in New York City, I would lean into probably the intellectual author side. I’d try that out.
Connell Barrett [00:12:12]:
That speaks to the fantasy of women who like really intelligent men. Being an author, I’m here writing my second book. I could overhaul my profile and show me in author mode, you know, signing a book, looking, being very intellectual and nerdy, which is super authentic to me and also speaks to a certain kind of woman. Another identity I might lean into would, for me, would be theater. And I love theater. I used to do a lot of musical improv theater and I still love it. So I could lean into my theater nerd self. So yeah, you don’t want to list traits and just have photos you grab from your phone.
Connell Barrett [00:12:53]:
You want to broadcast an identity, a true part of you that also hits women in those pleasure centers of that female fantasy. What side of you is a female fantasy of sorts? And again, I don’t mean sexual. I don’t mean muscles. I don’t mean Grey’s Anatomy. 50 Shades of Grey. I mean, women fantasize about being with men who aren’t physically powerful but are incredibly smart, loving, the dog volunteer guy. These are powerful things. So think about how can you make yourself a unicorn in your neighborhood? First thing you might want to do is look at your profile and look at 20 profiles of men.
Connell Barrett [00:13:45]:
You probably never swiped looking for men, have you? You can admit it. I haven’t either. But actually, I have. And I recommend that you do as well. You might be— you might be— you’re probably going to feel really good when you see how bad other men’s profiles are. And then you’re going to say, oh, gosh, this is what’s happening here in my city. I’m going to make a couple changes. And if you can just get into the top 10% of attractive profiles in your area, boom, that’s really what’s going to get it done for you.
Connell Barrett [00:14:21]:
Or just come to Miami, open your Bumble, and amazing things could happen. Okay, now let’s have some fun. Let’s roast some profiles. Speaking of profiles, um, yeah, I’m really excited. I actually did a video about this on YouTube, and I wanted to talk to you about some of the ones I went over. I have here a dozen or so online dating bios. I want to break them down and I promise you these will be funny. So here we go.
Connell Barrett [00:14:49]:
Now, a couple of these are visual. Obviously, this is a podcast, so you can’t see a couple of these that I’ll be talking about, but check out my Instagram or check out my YouTube channel and you’ll see these will be, will be posted on out there in the socials so you can see the visuals. Okay, I’m gonna start with a visual. I know, again, I know you can’t see it, but I found this photo, a Tinder profile. It’s 3 men, they’re all in a bathroom. One of them is sitting on the toilet. The other guy has a towel around his neck and the other guy is peeking out of the shower. So it’s 3 men in a bathroom peeking out to look at the person taking the photo.
Connell Barrett [00:15:34]:
And I give them points for creativity. They do succeed in breaking the pattern that women are not used to seeing guys sitting on the john. And it was clearly done as a little bit of a stunt. Okay, it wasn’t like they’re literally sitting on the john. But also any photo that shows you on the toilet, no good. If that’s you or for these guys, they shouldn’t be on Plenty of Fish. They should be on Plenty of Flush. There’s another one.
Connell Barrett [00:16:06]:
You gotta check out my YouTube. The visual is, is scary. If you’re anything like me, you’re afraid of clowns. I can’t watch It. I saw the first one. I couldn’t watch the second one. And there’s a Tinder profile of a guy who is fully Pennywise the Clown up. He looks like— apparently he thought bloodthirsty clown was a love language.
Connell Barrett [00:16:33]:
It kind of makes me wonder what Pennywise would write in his Tinder bio. You know, billion-year-old entity seeks partner in crime. Must love dogs, brunch, dining in sewers, ripping children’s arms off. Anyway, must be tough to date if you’re Pennywise, although women do like a bad boy or a bad clown. Here is a bio I can read to you from Tinder. Again, these are all real. This Tinder bio reads this way. Quote, I don’t work out.
Connell Barrett [00:17:07]:
I hate nature. I don’t want to go out for a drink. I don’t care what your body type is. Homebody. I’m uncultured in music, movies, et cetera. Also, I have a kid. Oh my God. Can you imagine being this dude’s kid? Hey dad, what do you want to do today? Nothing, son.
Connell Barrett [00:17:29]:
I hate nature, music, and movies. Let’s just sit here, wait for death together. And, um, and the bio, this negative bio where this guy says all the things he doesn’t do, it ends with a red heart. It’s a little red heart at the end. It’s like the cherry on top of a mayonnaise and apathy sundae. Here’s another real bio. It reads this way, quote, I’m another blue-collar boy with a mullet and a mustache. Mustache is misspelled, by the way, who makes bad life decisions.
Connell Barrett [00:18:05]:
Swipe right to be my next one. I work livestock. I don’t want to go out with livestock. So please keep my inbox under 200 pounds. You know, when I read this profile, I realized Kid Rock is actually a pretty good catch. Okay, let’s move on to the next one. Here’s a good one. This is a real Tinder bio.
Connell Barrett [00:18:30]:
This reads, I am out of your league, therefore you will submit to daddy. Submit and daddy are all capped. So the words I’m gonna yell at you are all capped. This is his bio. I don’t negotiate. Or ever listen to women. I am your superior, women. What I say goes.
Connell Barrett [00:18:56]:
I am not your soft boyfriend. You will respect me and you will put me on a pedestal. Pedestal, all capped. So this bio reads like it’s like an incel, a drill sergeant, and a dominatrix all had a baby. And that baby hired Andrew Tate to be his dating coach. Okay, next, this, this is a guy named Chris. I know you can’t see the visual, but it’s equal parts funny visual, but it’s really about the bio. So there’s a picture of this guy named Chris, but his main photo, he’s cut off at the waist.
Connell Barrett [00:19:38]:
He’s sitting on a boat wearing Lame, lame, uh, boat, not boat shoes, but, uh, loafers. His bio reads, quote, pineapple goes on pizza like tongues go in assholes. Okay. So my note to Chris, if you’re out there, you can be a little bit too edgy and yeah, pairing pizza with analingus definitely qualifies. Being a little bit too edgy. Oh, and as for the photo, you’d have to see it, but it’s like his torso didn’t want to be anywhere near that sentence and it just said, peace out, I’m out of here. Let me take a quick little pause here, dear listener. Are you realizing how bad these are? Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:20:30]:
Hopefully you’re taking some solace in this. Hopefully you’re noticing that, you’re noticing that your bio doesn’t have to be amazing. Look at how low the bar is. It just has to be relatively above average in the top 10 to 20%. And that’s actually not hard because Tinder bios and profiles, online dating in general, they’re awful. They really are. So take solace in that. Now these are the worst of the worst, but man, You don’t need— your profile does not need to be as good as you might think it needs to be.
Connell Barrett [00:21:05]:
Okay, here’s a good one. This is a— I think this is from Bumble. This one just— this is his whole bio. Will probably be mean to you. I’m insane and a terrible person. All right. Nice to see that Matt Lauer is dating again. Here’s one that comes— oh, here’s a Bumble bio.
Connell Barrett [00:21:34]:
This one comes in hot. Check this out. I’m going to read this verbatim. Verbatim. Unapologetic for being an alpha male in a hypergamy world where masculinity is toxic and sentenced to death. I’m looking for smart female that savor testosterone. This is, this is less a dating bio than it is a warning label. And I’m not going to make fun of this guy’s typos.
Connell Barrett [00:22:05]:
There’s like 4 typos that you can’t see here on the podcast because hey man, it’s hard to type when you, when you lack opposable thumbs. All right. Here’s this next one’s a gem. This charmer says this, quote, no single moms, no obese or overweight women, no women with mental disorders. I don’t beg for sex. I don’t go on dates until we hook up 5 times at my or your, you are, place. I won’t spend money on you, the letter U not spelled out. I won’t spend money on you or pay your food/drink.
Connell Barrett [00:22:47]:
I want try to impress you. I don’t even have a joke there. Just what a fucking asshole. Okay, moving on. Here’s a— listen to this heartbreaker. This one’s a trip. Full-on bio. I’m only reading you portions of it.
Connell Barrett [00:23:12]:
I’m reading you excerpts from this guy. Quote, pure blood, taller than Tom Hardy. He writes here that he wants a woman who’s, quote, unvaxxed. He also mentions having, quote, warlord potential. And he mentions that he makes $80K. So, by the way, okay, women can forgive white supremacy, they can forgive anti-vaxx, but come on, height shaming Tom Hardy? Mr. Pureblood. Oh, by the way, dude, if you’re out there, women, a lot of women hate— not hate, but they’re going to swipe left on a guy who doesn’t know his grammar.
Connell Barrett [00:23:57]:
If you don’t know your your from your your— what I mean is Y-O-U-R versus Y-O-U-‘-R-E— you’re going to lose a lot of women. And this guy does not know his yours. All right, here comes a total investment wanker. Here’s a Bumble bio. He writes, he calls himself tall, dark, and handsome, and he casually drops in his Bumble bio, quote, day traded my way to a milli. M-I-L-L-Y. Day traded my way to a milli. So he works in securities, yet his bio screams insecurity.
Connell Barrett [00:24:41]:
Also, nobody calls— no millionaire calls it a milli. I don’t think that sounds like the way broke people think rich people talk. Okay. Two more. And oh, I saved the worst for last. Here we go. Time for Sunday school. This is an actual dating bio.
Connell Barrett [00:25:04]:
It says, and it starts now, from Proverbs, “For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.” And then a couple of lines later, he says, “I keep fit by playing rugby.” Okay, so out of all the Bible passages this guy could have chosen about love and hope, marriage, whatever, he goes with the adulterous woman quote from Proverbs. Awesome. By the way, to me, adulterous women, they’re proof that there is a God. Am I right? Come on. Bottom line is the only way this guy is getting any physical contact skin to skin with another human is going to be on the rugby. Field. Okay, I saved the worst for last. This is the most cringeworthy of them all.
Connell Barrett [00:26:04]:
Hold on to something. Here we go. This is literally the worst bio I’ve ever seen in my 14 years as a dating coach. So I’m just going to give you the lowlights. It’s a huge— imagine, envision a giant block of text. Here we go. Forgive me for the words I’m about to say. Okay.
Connell Barrett [00:26:26]:
I hope I’m allowed to say these things. All right. It reads, your pussy should be a reward, ladies. If I treat you to fun night, maybe you’ll allow me to taste that yum yum. Let me repeat some of these things. Well, I don’t want to say it again, but he does not capitalize his I’s. He does not punctuate y’all. There’s no apostrophe.
Connell Barrett [00:26:55]:
It’s just Y-O-U-L-L, y’all. And again, you’ll allow me to taste that yum yum. By the way, according to legend, if you say yum yum 3 times in a row, Chris Hansen materializes and asks you to have a seat. And the only reward to talk about for this dude is the reward that you’ll get if you turn him into the cops. Uh, so yeah, I think the best dating app for this dude, it’s, uh, Coffee Meets Bale, or maybe, uh, eHarmony. Just saying. Not to mention, and the other reason this is the worst profile I’ve ever seen— sorry, worst bio I’ve ever seen— is it’s just this impenetrable block of text. Even if it was a well-written, good profile, women wouldn’t read it.
Connell Barrett [00:27:47]:
Um, but hey, um, I hope they understand that they need to use their privates as a reward for this guy. Okay, thank you so much for listening. Until the next episode, uh, later from Miami.
