Connell Barrett [00:00:00]:
before Ken was that chunky nerd who thought, I’m a dork, I’m chubby, I’m not enough. And it was afterwards, by the end of the weekend, he had his first kiss, grabbed phone numbers, and his approach anxiety was pulverized, as far as I know. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I’m your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I want to help you approach women confidently, get more dates online, in the real world, and then find a great girlfriend and do it with authenticity, not pickup artist moves. And I’m doing a podcast for you from Miami. I’m in Miami and I’m here mainly to write my second book, which is all about flirting, and The reason I came to Miami is Miami is a special place in my heart. Miami is where I had one of the two biggest approaching breakthroughs of my life.
Connell Barrett [00:01:06]:
And today’s episode is about breakthroughs and the before and after that helped me go from this introverted, self-doubting guy who could not approach women, who couldn’t talk to girls, who just really struggled with self-doubt and how I became really competent and eventually super confident and great with women, even though I’m just a normal dude. And I want to talk about before and after. I want to talk about transformations and changes. So let me start with a story. 15 years ago, I came to Miami, and at the time, this was 2011, I was working with different coaches in different walks of life in dating. And I had been approaching women for about a year and a half. But I wasn’t doing it consistently. I was doing it half-heartedly.
Connell Barrett [00:02:04]:
And I came to Miami and I was part of a program with these pickup, quote unquote, pickup guys. And I won’t go through all their names or talk about them because mainly I have good things to say about the men I worked with. But the man who really helped me the most with approaching women is a guy named Owen Cook. Owen Cook is a co-founder of a company called Real Social Dynamics, and he’s probably approached more women than any man on the planet, I would imagine. He was my approaching Yoda, or one of them. Anyway, Owen’s a great dude. And 15 years ago, I came down to Miami and I was taking a— I took about 10 days in Miami and I wanted to just approach tons of girls and take my approaching to the next level. The thing is, I came here for 9 straight days and I approached almost no women.
Connell Barrett [00:02:58]:
A couple I did now and then, but I wasn’t taking action. And I was going out with a couple other friends who were here. And Owen was here doing a boot camp where he was working with men who paid him to go approach girls. And I was like a friend of Owen’s program. And but I wasn’t taking the program officially. So anyway, fast forward to the 10th night of my week in Miami. Sorry, my 10 days in Miami. I was so ready to quit.
Connell Barrett [00:03:31]:
I was about to give up on approaching. I wasn’t going to give up on dating, but I still was battling approach anxiety a year and a half into my approaching journey. And I went to Owen and I said, dude, I’m gonna leave. I came here to talk to girls. I’m not doing it. I barely talked to any women. I’m certainly not having success. And I’m just gonna fly back to New York.
Connell Barrett [00:03:56]:
And to his amazing great credit, he said, let’s go out tonight. I’ll take you under my wing. I wanna help you. So we go to the Fontainebleau Hotel and he takes a chunk of time, a solid hour of his time at least, out away from the other men who had paid him thousands of dollars to help them approach. He took a good chunk of time and just walked around the Fontainebleau Hotel lobby, which, by the way, it was, it was a Saturday night around about midnight. And I was in my head. I wasn’t talking to anybody. I was waiting for Owen to help me.
Connell Barrett [00:04:39]:
And he said, all right, Connell, let’s, let’s reboot. Let’s do this. And he took me around the room and he said, I want you to start approaching women. And he watched me do one or two. And he saw how much I was overthinking. He saw me planning what to say. I’m in my head trying to think of the perfect, funny, witty, most amazing line. Does this sound familiar to you, dear listener? Have you ever wanted to approach a beautiful woman? But you didn’t do it because you didn’t know what to say.
Connell Barrett [00:05:11]:
That was me that night. Or rather, I might come up with something to say, and then I did the approach one or two, and Owen saw what I was doing wrong. And it wasn’t a mechanics-based thing, not really. It was more about I was making the bar way too high for how good my opener had to be. He said, I want you to stop thinking so hard. And just do like machine gun approaches. Just do, let’s just do 10 in a row really fast. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Connell Barrett [00:05:42]:
It was like machine gun style. And I hated that at first because I’m a writer. I was a journalist at the time and I’m an author now, but I’m a writer and I want, I want to give the good content. I want to say the cool, smooth lines. I want to be funny. That’s my superpower. But it was getting me in my head. And also, any woman I did approach that week, the few times I had done it in those previous 9 days of mostly inaction, the rare times I took action, I judged myself.
Connell Barrett [00:06:15]:
Like, why didn’t she like me? Why didn’t I get a number? Why is such-and-such hooking up with hot girls and I’m standing here in the corner? So anyway, Owen sees me overthinking. He’s like, let’s go machine gun style, Connell, let’s go. And he made me— I consented, but he made me, had me approach 5, 6, 7 women right in a row, like literally in 90 seconds or less. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And the first 3 or 4, they sucked. I was nervous, I was in my head, I was like, hey, what’s up, how are you? And the first 3 or 4, blow— they were instant blowouts, basically quote-unquote rejections. But here’s the crazy thing. About 4 or 5 approaches in, I started to let go and loosen up.
Connell Barrett [00:07:05]:
Specifically, I stopped judging everything I said. I just allowed myself to literally speak my thoughts and remove all judgment from how good it was, but also removing all judgment on what she that woman, whoever she was, thought about my approach. So I did 4 or 5, and then Owen said, keep going, you’re doing great, Connell, keep going. And he could see me trying to think of the right thing to say. He said, stop trying to think of stuff to say. Literally speak your thoughts. Just say the first thing that comes to your mind. And I remember these 3 women walked toward us, and the one in the middle had these shiny shoes.
Connell Barrett [00:07:44]:
And I walked up and I just said, shiny shoes. Those are so sparkly. Oh my God. You look like a ballerina. And she lit up and smiled and said, hi. And all of a sudden this approach went really well. That gave me a little bit of confidence. And like, I didn’t get her number.
Connell Barrett [00:08:01]:
I don’t think we didn’t make out or anything, but all of a sudden I realized, hey, why don’t you just say whatever comes to your mind? And I did a couple more, did 2 or 3 more. Now I’m at like 8, 9, maybe 10 approaches in like under 15 minutes. And I’m now getting in the zone, what they used to call getting into state. Getting into state, basically your judgmental brain turns off and you get into a flow state. That’s when the breakthrough really started to kick in. 8 or 9 approaches in, I’m now loose. I’m forgiving myself. It’s not even about forgiveness.
Connell Barrett [00:08:42]:
I’m not judging my openers. I’m just literally walking up to women and saying what enters my mind. I’m improvising. I’m doing full-on improv, basically real-life improv. And I’m just walking up to women and all of a sudden, my things I’m saying get a little funnier, a little wittier. Nothing planned because I’m getting more comfortable. And I’ve let go of judgment. Owen used to call this, maybe he still does, Owen used to call this— what was this term for it? Crossing the indifference threshold, where you approach so many women in one night, you just become indifferent.
Connell Barrett [00:09:20]:
And that’s what happened to me. 8, 9, 10 approaches in, I was indifferent. I didn’t care anymore. It felt fun. It felt good. I mean, I cared about the actions, but I didn’t care what the woman’s response was. And that’s actually when paradoxically I started getting the exact thing that I wanted but no longer cared about, which was results. I remember a woman named Bree.
Connell Barrett [00:09:45]:
I’m, I’m 9 or 10 approaches in, and all of a sudden I walk up to a woman. She’s got short hair, short, cute short bangs. I remember thinking she had a Zooey Deschanel look, definitely my type. And I approached her, hey, what’s up? I’m Connell. I said whatever I said. This is in 2011. So I don’t remember that. It’s been a while.
Connell Barrett [00:10:05]:
And we chatted for 3, 4, or 5 minutes. And she said, she was the first woman who ever said this to me from approaching. She said, you’re fun. You’re really fun. A lot of women had called me funny. But no one had ever called me fun before. And women want fun way more than funny. Funny is a nice bonus.
Connell Barrett [00:10:25]:
They want fun. When you’re approaching, you want to bring the fun. And Brie said, you’re fun. She gave me her number and she said, let’s meet up. And she would, you know, when you’re in Miami in February and March, there’s more New Yorkers here than people from Florida. So she’s, she, she and I both lived in Manhattan and we set up a tentative date for back in New York. Now I had real momentum. I was 9 or 10 or 12 approaches in.
Connell Barrett [00:10:51]:
I’ve gotten my first number. I’ve gotten precious Validation. Hallelujah. Validation. And I pause to get a drink, take a little breather. Owen comes over and says, what are you doing? Keep going. What is, what is up? Keep going. He was pushing me in the best way.
Connell Barrett [00:11:13]:
And I did a couple more approaches, a couple more numbers, really cute girls. And now I feel like I’m in God mode. I, and I can’t stress this enough, I was ready to quit. This was the bottom of the 9th. I was gonna fly from Miami to New York City. I was gonna quit approaching forever and just say, all right, I’ll just do dating apps. Fuck approaching. This is too hard.
Connell Barrett [00:11:42]:
And I was so close to quitting. And all of a sudden, I had already decided no. Now I’m seeing, finally seeing a breakthrough in the bottom of the 9th, down 2 runs. I’m at the plate and with Owen’s help, I was able to make contact with the ball. So got a couple more numbers and then I’m doing this for like an hour, maybe 90 minutes now at this point, had some longer interaction, longer interactions with some cute girls. Owen’s kind of drifting in and out, helping other guys, helping me a little bit. And then the gods were really looking down on me and smiling. I walk up to a lovely young woman named Jackie, start talking to her.
Connell Barrett [00:12:23]:
She’s a grad student in Florida somewhere, 22, 23, adorable brunette, cute, cool. And we start talking and I said, hey, by the way, where are you staying? She said, oh, I’m staying at the Catalina. And I said, no way, I’m staying at the Catalina. By the way, at this point it was like 1:30 at the Fontainebleau lobby, which was amazingly packed with beautiful girls. By 1:32, it’s kind of funneling out. And so I said, no way, Jackie, I’m staying at the Catalina too. I said, why don’t we share a taxi back? I’m heading out pretty soon. And we had a nice vibe.
Connell Barrett [00:13:04]:
We had a nice 5, 10 minute chat. And so we hop in a taxi, go back to the Catalina. She came back to my room and love ensued, I’m happy to say. And a little cherry on top was the guy I was rooming with. I was bunking with another coach, a coach who works with Owen. And this other coach was crushing it. Twice that week, he hooked up with some cute girls. And I was in the room.
Connell Barrett [00:13:34]:
I was either in the room with him hooking up with a cute girl earlier that week while I’m in misery. Or there was a time when I couldn’t get in the room because he was doing his thing and I’m stuck outside at 3:00 AM waiting. And I tell you this because I’m with Jackie, Jackie and I are hanging out and the coach, I’ll call him Brian. Brian texts me, hey man, you done yet? You ready yet? I’m really tired. So I just loved making Brian, the stud, wait for me finally to finish hooking up with this cute girl. And Jackie went back to her room. We ended up having brunch the next day. It was just a fun hookup.
Connell Barrett [00:14:17]:
It wasn’t like anything serious, but it was also really connected. I just liked her so much. We had brunch, I think. Yeah, and we definitely had brunch with her and her friend who she was sharing the room with. And Yeah, so I just want to say I owe it all to Owen. I would not be talking to you right now if it wasn’t for Owen Cook. I would never have continued with approaching, and I wouldn’t have become a dating coach. Um, yeah, so anyway, Owen, if you’re out there, thank you, man.
Connell Barrett [00:14:51]:
You changed my life. And this podcast episode is about before and after. Before that night, I felt my very identity was, sure, I can approach women and sometimes it goes okay, but I wasn’t the kind of guy. I hadn’t become the man who I felt women wanted to come approach them. And at the end of that night, I knew I’d become the man who could approach. My identity really changed that night. And the next 3 months, actually the next several years, but the next 3 months, I met the woman who became my girlfriend from— and I met her through approaching. I would not have met her had I not had that breakthrough that night.
Connell Barrett [00:15:44]:
I had a lot more approaching fun in New York City. My Miami success traveled from Miami to New York. And here I am talking to you today. And so yeah, that was the one of the two most important nights of my dating life. The most important night was actually the very first night I ever approached women. That’s the opening chapter of my book, which, uh, I’ve told— talked about before here. So the main takeaway for you, it’s not that you need to go do 25 machine gun style approaches, although that’s not going to hurt you. The takeaway here for this story is I just want you to know that that I now look back on the trials, the tribulations, that whole week.
Connell Barrett [00:16:29]:
I now look back on it 15 years later thinking, I’m so glad that happened. The man I became with women happened not because, not just because of Owen helping me have that approaching breakthrough, but it happened because I didn’t give up. I stayed resilient. I kept fighting my inner demons, fighting my self-doubt. And I kept going and I kept going. And I, I kept going until I found a way with his help, with Owen’s amazing help. And I try my best to bring the same breakthroughs and go the extra mile for my clients. Anytime a client ever gets on my nerves where I think, oh man, do I really need to go do this with him? I think, no, you got to.
Connell Barrett [00:17:13]:
That’s what you’re here for. That’s what Owen did for me. So anyway, it’s the 15-year anniversary since my huge huge Miami approaching breakthrough. Now I want to give you a couple other much shorter stories, but some of the other kind of before and after moments. Because before Miami that year, I was just that guy who was trying to approach girls. After that night with Owen’s help, I became the man who steps the fuck up, plays to win, and approaches the hotties, but with love. And good intentions and authenticity and myself. So let me share a couple other quick before and after stories.
Connell Barrett [00:17:55]:
Here’s a good one. He’s not literally my first paid client, but he’s right. He was among the first. I coached a guy named Ken. Ken was, is actually, but came to me at the time, associate professor. At an Eastern, at an East Coast college, 27, 28. And he just believed, I’m not what women want. He looked, he looks like Jonah Hill back when Jonah Hill was like a chunk, chunkier guy, like short, little chubby.
Connell Barrett [00:18:27]:
And before Ken started to work with me, he was just like, oh, women don’t like me. I’m chubby. I’m a virgin. I can’t approach. I’m too much of a nerd. You know, he’s a big, he’s a big fan of Roman history. He teaches history in his college career. And there’s a line in my book, because I talk about Ken, there’s a line in my book where most men can quote Homer Simpson, Ken can quote Homer’s Odyssey.
Connell Barrett [00:18:59]:
That’s what kind of intelligent guy he is. So he came to me and the before is Ken believed I’m not enough. Women don’t like chubby virgin nerds. That’s a pretty compelling story. You can see why he might have believed it. And he and I go out and I teach him some of the great things I learned from Owen, taught him some of the things I was learning and developing as a coach. And I— so Ken and I go out, we’re at the place called the Broken Shaker in New York City, Lower East Side, and I just said, Ken, we are having you lean into your nerdiness. What kind of jokes do you like? He said, I love knock-knock jokes.
Connell Barrett [00:19:44]:
I had him approach women with knock-knock jokes. Went pretty well. Had him quoting Shakespeare or quoting, I don’t know, Plato, whatever he was quoting. My favorite moment, well, there’s two moments with Ken. One moment I remember is I said, “All right, what’s your favorite karaoke song?” He said, “Purple Rain.” So I said, “Cool. See that woman over there? Go over to her and sing the first 2 verses or the first 2 lines of the first verse of Purple Rain and commit to it.” One of the things that Owen taught me that night in Miami was you gotta commit. You can’t go half-ass. You gotta go all in.
Connell Barrett [00:20:25]:
When you approach, she’s gotta know you’re there. And I never forgot that ’cause that was part of my breakthrough that night in Miami. So I said to Ken, “Hey dude, all right, go approach her. But when you sing Purple Rain, you can’t be like, purple rain, purple, no, you gotta be like, never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain.” And he walks up, he sings it to the best of his ability, commits to it. This girl, she lights up. I remember she had these cute cat-eye glasses on. She light up, like, like, think Lisa Loeb type.
Connell Barrett [00:21:01]:
She lights up. She’s like, oh my God, I love that song. And they start singing an a cappella Purple Rain together, duet for, you know, 30 seconds. And they chat, they hit it off. He gets her number. Chunky little virgin Ken got cute Lisa Loeb lookalike to give him her number. In fact, she took his phone and said, take my number. “Take my number.” How’s that for an identity change? Fast forward to the next night, the second night of my in-person approaching weekend with Ken, rooftop bar.
Connell Barrett [00:21:38]:
Oh, by the way, Ken at this point had never kissed a woman. Fun fact, or not fun fact as the case may be. So fast forward to Saturday night, We’re on a rooftop bar. He’s in the zone, he’s crushing it. He’s been talking to so many girls, gotten 3 or 4 numbers that weekend, and he’s just having so much fun. He’s feeling like I felt at the Fontainebleau. And he walks up to a tall, pretty tall, 5’8″, 5’9″, very attractive woman, blonde, kind of had a Gwen, Gwyneth Paltrow vibe, which I liked. And I’m 10 feet away, watching him, seeing if he needs me.
Connell Barrett [00:22:18]:
I’m just standing there taking notes for debriefing him later. And I walk over, or he walks over, and I’m watching. I look up and she smiles and she’s laughing and something good is happening. And then I look over and they’re making out. He’s on his tiptoes. He’s on his tiptoes because he’s like 5’6″, 5’7″. She’s 5’8″ with heels. He’s on his tiptoes.
Connell Barrett [00:22:42]:
And I’m realizing I’m watching Ken have the first kiss of his life. I’m watching him kiss a woman for the first time at age 27-ish, 28, something like that, 26. And it was so personal that part of me wanted to look away because it was like too private. But also he’s my client and he’s on a rooftop bar. He’s not the only one making out. And I’ve never knowingly seen somebody have their first kiss. It was so, such an incredible moment. So yeah, before, Ken was that chunky nerd who thought, I’m a dork, I’m chubby, I’m not enough.
Connell Barrett [00:23:31]:
And it was afterwards, by the end of the weekend, he had his first kiss, grabbed phone numbers, and his approach anxiety was pulverized. As far as I know, he did it way faster than I did getting rid of the approach anxiety. It took me a year and a half to really get rid of it. I think he was pretty much done with it by the end of that night. It’s one of my favorite stories. One of my favorite stories. Um, Another before and after moment I wanted to share. I worked with a guy, coached a guy named Jason.
Connell Barrett [00:24:09]:
And a lot of men who have career success, because they— maybe it’s societal conditioning, maybe it’s insecurity, it’s probably both— they lead with status. They’ll walk up to a woman or they’ll be talking to a woman and try to impress her. With money. In other words, money equals attraction. That was Jason before we began to work together. So I’m with this guy Jason, and, um, not his real name, by the way. I change a lot of names for privacy reasons. So this is in California, actually, at a rooftop venue called EPLP that’s right next to the Hollywood Hills.
Connell Barrett [00:24:53]:
It’s an incredible place. So I’m with him and I’m his coach for the night helping him approach. And at the start of every night, or I should say the start of the first time helping a guy approach, I say, all right, do your thing. Let me watch you do your thing so I can give you some notes and feedback. And so Jason walks up to two beautiful— imagine your typical two stunning California 8s, for lack of a better term. I’m not a number 1 to 10 person, but Yeah, total eights, which is an 8 in California is like a 14 in New York City. So, oh, I gotta clip that for the opening of the pod. So he walks up to these two gorgeous women and he takes his business card out and his quote unquote opening line is, “Hi, I’m a plastic surgeon, a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon,” and he hands them his card.
Connell Barrett [00:25:51]:
And it was so strange and fascinating to watch what happened because at first they were confused. One of the women like covered her nose thinking, is there something wrong with my nose? Is he coming over to tell me I need, I need help with my, my face? I need, I need reconstructive surgery, a facelift. And then they realized, oh, This is his pickup line. They— he thought that’s what you do. You walk up and you let a woman know that you’re wealthy or that you have a high status job. And they were polite for about 2 or 3 minutes. They didn’t say anything to him about this. I’m, I’m interpreting how this went and what they were thinking, but I’ve seen a lot.
Connell Barrett [00:26:43]:
And they excused themselves after a couple of minutes and basically said it was nice meeting you. But it was the, it was nice meeting you and walking away is the polite woman code for we’re not interested, dude. And by the way, by the way, Jason’s stylish, pretty handsome dude, tall, and an amazing job. And so I saw this happen and I took him aside and said, all right, let’s talk about this. Here’s why you can’t ever lead your approach with status, with money. Because when you’re trying to impress a woman with those things, you’re actually showing your cards. You’re showing your insecurity. When you say to a woman in so many words, I have money, I have status, do you want me now? What you’re actually saying is I am not enough based on who I am.
Connell Barrett [00:27:39]:
So I need to win you with money. So I told him this and I said, no more. You may not talk about your job or career in that way. And I gave him an adjustment. I said, all right, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to talk to women and I want you to talk about your job, but I want you to talk about your passion for it. Lead with passion. You can totally mention your job, Jason, I told him.
Connell Barrett [00:28:06]:
In fact, I want you to, but we want to talk about it through the lens of what you love about it. What it allows you to give. By the way, this was many years ago, but at the time, Jason wasn’t like the Hollywood facelift guy. He was reconstructing people’s faces and skin who, who had birth defects. He was helping people who their faces were damaged in fires, or they had some terrible skin conditions, he was doing the most incredible life-changing work. Not that there’s anything wrong with giving facelifts. That was his thing too. What I’m saying is that’s gold.
Connell Barrett [00:28:52]:
Not only is that beautiful and huge-hearted, it’s gold to talk about that stuff. Women are going to— I said, dude, you, you help little kids. You give people self-esteem. You give them their confidence back. You make them, you give them their beauty back. That’s gold. And you don’t have to make it up. It’s real.
Connell Barrett [00:29:16]:
Why worry about your money when you can just tell women about that? Anyway, he did some more approaches and he ended up that night. I remember he was sitting on this, this like, not like a bench, a little like a rock bench talking to a a stylish, slender, beautiful woman. I forget her name. And they were going deep about each other’s careers. And he was talking about his passion, his love of his job, as opposed to— he was talking about what it feels like to help a burn victim rather than this bullshit about, hey, look at my resume. So he— so before Jason was this resume guy, he thought he had to lead with status and money, either because he doubted himself. I don’t think he doubted himself. I just think he thought he just got some really bad advice.
Connell Barrett [00:30:02]:
From, you know, shitty TikTok or shitty YouTube gurus who don’t know jack shit about what really works. So yeah, old Jason, resume guy, impressed with money. But he had a total identity change. Purpose-driven Jason, the man who’s passionate about what he does, he gives back, and he doesn’t need to try to impress anybody because he knows, he knows he’s enough. Couple more quick. We’ll do 2 more quick approaching stories just because to me, that’s what this topic’s been about. Um, there, this, this podcast has been about, I want to tell you about Ray. I had a great moment with Ray.
Connell Barrett [00:30:44]:
Ray is like my, if I had to create like a, if I had to call central casting for like my typical client, they would send me Ray. Ray is a software guy, software coder, software developer, and brown, Indian heritage. So I get a lot of clients who are of Middle Eastern descent, software, quote unquote, nerds, very analytical guys who don’t know how to flirt or how to talk to women because they’re really good at ones and zeros, really good at coding. They’re really good at coding, but they’re not really good at decoding women. And I’m gonna clip that for the start of the podcast. And so before, Ray was just paralyzed to approach women. And I’m almost being literal when I say paralyzed. So we’re at Barnes Noble.
Connell Barrett [00:31:43]:
And we— there’s a woman sitting on a bench next to the magazines. The Barnes Noble in New York City, Union Square, has these little benches next to the magazine rack. It’s like literally the only place you can sit at Barnes Noble. And she’s sitting down and she’s reading Vogue. And I say to Ray, boom, there’s your girl. Go talk to her. And he looks at me. All of a sudden I see these veins popping in his jaw or like veins on the side of his head pulsing.
Connell Barrett [00:32:18]:
His jaw gets tense. His fists become— his hands become fists. And I just see the tension. He’s like, all tension. And I say, go, go do it. He’s like, no, no. I say, go do it. He said no.
Connell Barrett [00:32:38]:
And my clients and I have a little deal. I say, we shake hands on it. I say, you approach the girl I tell you to approach. Or I’m gonna put you in a headlock and I’ll go approach her with you in a headlock. Your choice. I reminded him of our arrangement. He said, okay. He walks over.
Connell Barrett [00:32:59]:
I don’t know what he said. I couldn’t hear. It was probably something pretty basic. What are you reading? It’s probably something that basic. She smiled. This handsome, well-dressed, sweet guy came up. And took a chance. She smiled.
Connell Barrett [00:33:17]:
And all of a sudden, all the blood returned to his face. He relaxed because he realized, oh my God, nothing bad happened. And he actually sits down— not sits down, there wasn’t, there wasn’t room to sit. But he takes a knee like a coach drawing up a play. He takes a knee. And he’s like, he’s leaning toward her on his knee, but like in a masculine— he looked cool actually. It looked badass somehow. It shouldn’t have, but it did.
Connell Barrett [00:33:50]:
And she’s smiling and it looks badass. And, and yeah, I don’t remember if he got a phone number or not. I really don’t. I don’t even know. But I do know that about 2, 3 weeks later, I saw him out randomly in New York City. He showed up at a bar called, um, Jane Hotel has a rooftop bar, the Jane Hotel. And all of a sudden I ran into Ray and he’s with this total cutie. And he met her at a hotel like a week earlier and they’ve been dating for like a couple weeks or a week.
Connell Barrett [00:34:23]:
And, uh, yeah, so he went from paralyzed, like I could see the sweat on his forehead before he talked to Vogue girl. And by the time we were done, by the time we were done approaching that day and beyond, he was just rolling up to women like no big deal. So yeah, so his before and after, his identity change was from this hesitant, paralyzed, buying with anxiety guy to this bold initiator. I like that, the bold initiator. And What’s a good final story? What’s a story I’ve never told here on the podcast? I’ll tell you two more. I’ll tell you. All right. Two more real quick ones.
Connell Barrett [00:35:15]:
After the Owen breakthrough and my Miami breakthrough, like I said, I went off on this fun, like, like three, for a 5-month run. And, uh, during that run, I was at Barnes Noble— no, um, Whole Foods— and there was a really gorgeous woman, like I’m talking a New York City 11, uh, lower— like kind of a cool, funky, lower back artsy fartsy tattoos and She was slender, kind of a dark complexion, Italian, kind of a Mediterranean look. She was with her female friend and they were in the basement section of Whole Foods where the beer and wine was. So I approached and shot my shot. It went pretty well actually. I forget her name. I think it was Lisa and talked for about 3 or 4 or 5 minutes. And then I went for the phone number, went for the date.
Connell Barrett [00:36:16]:
And I said, hey, give me your number. We gotta get together. It’d be nice to do XYZ fun thing with you. And she said, listen, I gotta be honest with you. I live like 90 minutes away. I live at like in central Connecticut. So I really just kind of don’t think I should give you my number. I just don’t think it’s gonna happen.
Connell Barrett [00:36:40]:
And I did something that I was just improvising. I was just having fun. And I said, I can’t believe you’re going to break my heart here in Whole Foods. She giggled. I said, no, that’s fine. No, it’s fine. I’m just going to go home and write a poem. Brokenhearted at Whole Foods.
Connell Barrett [00:37:01]:
I think I said something like that. And she giggled and laughed. And I said, no worries. It’s all good. We talked for like another 60 seconds. One of the things I learned and teach my guys, and I want you to do too if you’re out there approaching, is when a woman says thanks but no thanks, you don’t have to walk away. You don’t need to turn your tail. You can stick in for another 30, 60 seconds and just have fun with it.
Connell Barrett [00:37:27]:
Not because you’re trying to get a result, but just because it’s okay. You can keep talking for a little bit. You don’t need to walk right away. Walk away right away unless she clearly says, no, thank you, go away. Then you should walk away. But in this case, Lisa seemed to be liking the interaction a little bit. And so I thought I would just keep cracking some jokes. So we talked for like maybe one more minute and then I said, all right, I’ll let you guys go.
Connell Barrett [00:37:52]:
It was great meeting you, Lisa and friend of Lisa. So I walk away, go to the first floor. About 2 minutes later, I’m on the first floor. Oh, by the way, I was going out to do my afternoon mission I gave myself was 3 approaches. Must approach 3 total babes. And Lisa was babe number 1. I go to a— I am literally 5 seconds away from approaching babe number 2, this girl standing next to the candy bar rack. I’m about to talk to her when there’s a tap on my shoulder.
Connell Barrett [00:38:30]:
I turn around and it’s Lisa. And I said, hey, what’s up? She had gone from the lower level, taken the escalator up to the higher level to seek me out. And she said, hey, I just want you to know that I think you should take my number. And I think we should go out because that was the coolest thing that’s happened to me in so long. So yeah, here’s my number if you still want it. I’m getting chills just saying this to you. Think about what that experience meant to her. I went out of my way, I was vulnerable, I was genuine.
Connell Barrett [00:39:15]:
I wasn’t doing pickup planned stuff. I just walked up to her and chatted. I was normal myself. And then I think what really got made her feel like this was such a special moment was because when she said, “Thanks, but no thanks,” I handled it really well. Not only did I not get butt hurt and walked away, I just, I cracked a joke. I said, “Okay, I’m gonna have to write a poem now about how brokenhearted I am.” So I kept having fun. I think that’s what really turned the tide for me. And I wasn’t even trying to do that.
Connell Barrett [00:39:48]:
I was just trying to enjoy every approach. Something Owen taught me Enjoy every approach, find something good about every single one. And, and yeah, so she gave me her number and we were on a date a few nights later, even though she lives in Connecticut and is far away. Turns out she’s in New York City pretty often. So it wasn’t that much of a logistical challenge. And I just think I’m so glad. Could you imagine what had happened? What would have happened? If, if, uh, she’s like, oh my God, that was such a special moment. This guy, he just had this courage.
Connell Barrett [00:40:27]:
He walked up to me, he was normal and sincere, and hey, I kind of like gingers. Uh, what a great guy, I gotta go find him. And then imagine she sees me talking to another girl. That would have been awful. Thank God, if there’s a God, he was definitely she or he was helping me at that moment. Talk about ruining the perfect moment. Anyway, so that was a— so my before-after. Before Miami, before that big breakthrough that Owen helped me have, I wasn’t enjoying any approaches.
Connell Barrett [00:41:03]:
The only way I could enjoy an approach is if I got validation, I got the phone number, I got the look of attraction, I got sex, I got rave reviews. I was giving all my, my, not power away, but I was making my criteria for enjoyment all about outcomes, outcomes, outcomes, results, results. Did I get what I wanted? And after Miami and Owen’s help, and also by that point, I’d really taken things to a whole new level. I enjoyed every approach. Every approach is an A+. Every approach is a win because you either learn or you get a great outcome, or you have a good story, or you can just feel good that you stepped up. Something I tell my clients now is, do you know how many men right now approach women on any kind of a regular basis? I would imagine it’s 5%, probably less. 3, 4, 5% in 2026 in our Tinder social media Instagram world.
Connell Barrett [00:42:15]:
How many men are actually doing this in any kind of regular consistent way? 3, 4, 5% at most of single men. But then when you take out guys who use liquid courage or scripted planned pickup lines and you actually just isolate the men who walk up They’re sincere, present, shooting their shot, just doing their best, taking a chance? 1%, less than 1%. So here’s what I want you to have when, not if, but when you go out to go talk to some cuties. I want you to tell yourself, no matter what happens, I am a 1% man. I am not the guy who sits on the sidelines. I’m the guy who takes action. I’m the guy who’s authentic. I’m the guy who’s kind.
Connell Barrett [00:43:13]:
I like women. I like people. I’m working on myself. And I’m gonna go up and just do this with some real genuineness and good intentions. That’s a 1% man in my book. And that’s the kind of man who women love. And it’s the kind of man that Lisa saw in me. It’s why she tracked me down and found me and came up to me before I approached another girl.
Connell Barrett [00:43:40]:
I’d like to think that’s what Jackie saw in me in Miami. And yeah, so anyway, you can decide right now to stop listening to this podcast and go take an action. Go approach a cute girl. Go take some kind of action because I believe we want to approach life the way we should approach women, which is with authenticity, courage, and kindness. We want to go through life, we got to be courageous, we got to be authentic, and we got to be kind. Gotta be kind to people and ourselves and to women. Approach women the way we approach life with those things. All right.
Connell Barrett [00:44:28]:
Thank you, Owen, for giving me that gift 15 years ago. Thank you, dear listener, for listening. Go to datingtransformation.com for tips, for just to book a call with me if you want coaching help, or to just get some more cool advice. All right. Thank you so much. Talk next time.
