Connell Barrett [00:00:00 – 00:00:25]
Resilience ain’t sexy. But bro, it will change your dating life. It will find you love. It will make you a man. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I’m your host, Dating coach Connell Barrett. I don’t know why I’m talking like an FM radio dj. Dating Coach Connell Barrett.
Connell Barrett [00:00:26 – 00:01:01]
I’m here to help you flirt with a lot of confidence, know what to say, and attract your dream girlfriend. And do it by being your true, real self. What I call radical authenticity. Because mom was right. Women are going to like you for you as long as you show them that best self. And showing women your best self or summoning your best self is the topic today. I want to share with you the most powerful, game changing and least sexy topic in dating. I don’t know if that turns you on or turns you off.
Connell Barrett [00:01:02 – 00:01:35]
The word is resilience. I’m recording this a couple days after the New York Knicks came back from 29 points down and beat the spurs in Game 4 of the NBA Finals. I live in New York City, and New York City is just absolutely Knicks crazy right now. And by the time you’re listening to this, chances are the Knicks. I’m knocking on wood. I’m knocking on all the wood. Chances are there’s a. I should say there’s a good chance they’ll be the champions by the time you hear this.
Connell Barrett [00:01:36 – 00:02:17]
Unless there’s. Unless the spurs come back. Anyway, whoever shows more resilience in the NBA Finals will win. The Knicks had to show incredible resilience. They were down 29 points, yet they came back and won with that last second amazing tip. And I want to talk with you about the power of awakening that resilient side of you in dating. I came from a really low place in terms of my attractiveness to women. I barely dated deep into my 30s.
Connell Barrett [00:02:18 – 00:02:59]
I got married to the one woman who really wanted to be with me. And then it ended after nine weeks and I felt rejected by pretty much all women. And so I hired coaches because I just felt like, I need help. I need help with my confidence. I doubted myself and I just didn’t know the right way to talk to women. And it took a lot of vulnerability and clarity to come to that point where I said, I need help. And I remember the very first night I went out to approach women. I was terrified.
Connell Barrett [00:02:59 – 00:03:14]
I was so terrified. And there’s a pretty good story. I won’t retell the whole thing because I’ve told it before here on the podcast, but my book, Dating Sucks. But you Don’t. Which you can have a free copy of. Just email me. Free copy. I’ll send you a free copy of my book.
Connell Barrett [00:03:15 – 00:04:07]
You can DM me on Instagram or you can email me connellatingtransformation.com so my book opens with a story. It’s my first night ever approaching women. I’m on a rooftop bar, 230 Fifth Avenue here in New York City. And after overcoming this paralyzing approach anxiety, I finally start talking to women. And it’s going really, really well with a woman named Kelly. Pretty, blue eyed, aspiring actress, just gorgeous and really sweet. And I go to get drinks. When I come back with drinks for Kelly and myself, she’s talking to this Wall street dude, this wavy haired banker guy and his two banker wingmen are on either side and she’s chatting with them and I think, oh, okay, well, Kelly’s going to be back with me because I’m coming back with our drinks.
Connell Barrett [00:04:07 – 00:04:31]
We’ve been talking for like 45 minutes, maybe a half hour. She was kind of with me at that point, or at least that’s what I thought. So I hand her the drink thinking, oh, she’ll return to me and blow off these guys. She takes the drink away from me. I mean, she takes the drink from me. Doesn’t even make eye contact with me. Just goes back to flirting with wavy hair guy, like kind of twirling her hair. She literally doesn’t look at me.
Connell Barrett [00:04:33 – 00:05:02]
So 10 minutes earlier I was her date and now I felt like her waiter and I didn’t know what to do. Thank God I had a coach. This was the first time I ever went out to approach women. And I had hired a coach that night to tell me what to do, help me approach. He basically said, connell, if she was your girlfriend, what would you do? And I said, I’d go back over there and I’d say, come here, this isn’t cool. Come with me. You’re with me tonight. He said, cool, we’ll go do that.
Connell Barrett [00:05:03 – 00:05:29]
Walk over there and go do it. And I started to push back. Oh, I, I don’t know, what do I say? What do I do? He’s like, you’re overthinking it. Just go take her back. What do you want? What is your ideal outcome? He asked me, he’s giving, he’s like a, a boxing coach giving me a pep talk. And I said, what do I want? I want to leave the bar with her. I want to take her home, I want to hook up with her. I want to leave with this Beautiful girl.
Connell Barrett [00:05:29 – 00:05:51]
He’s like, well, go get her, because she’s leaving tonight, either with him or you. Who’s it going to be? He gave me this amazing pep talk, this guy who I’ll call him Ryan, or he went by the name Ryan. That’s not his real name. So I get this head of steam. I go over there, I take her by the hand. I say, hey, come here. Come with me. Now.
Connell Barrett [00:05:51 – 00:06:22]
I pull her back away from these guys, these Wall street guys. I had never approached a woman before that night, let alone walked up to a woman, taken her by the hand, and, you know, firmly, reasonably, but firmly took her back. And I kind of pulled her away from these guys. I said, hey, come here. Come with me. She’s like, bye, guys. And she followed me as I, not literally, but figuratively, dragged her away. And we sat down, and I said, hey, I need to tell you something.
Connell Barrett [00:06:23 – 00:06:48]
And I could hear Ryan’s voice in my head. He had just said this to me. He’s like, tell her the deepest truth you’re feeling. What is the deepest truth you’re feeling? And I looked at Kelly and I said, I gotta be honest with you. It is not cool for you to just flirt with other guys in front of me. And she said, who do you think you are? You just pulled me away from those guys like you own me. The thing is, though, the way she said it wasn’t angry. It was.
Connell Barrett [00:06:48 – 00:07:18]
She was, like, biting her lip a little bit. She was like, you just pulled me away from those guys like you own me. She was kind of leaning in a little bit, and I realized, oh, my God, this is actually getting her attracted to me. And I said, I don’t own you. I don’t know you. I just met you 30 minutes ago. But I like you, and I want to get to know you better. And then I said, I can’t believe these.
Connell Barrett [00:07:18 – 00:07:44]
I, I, I. I still can’t believe these words came out of my mouth. Nice. Nice Guy Connell from Ohio, who no girls ever were into. I said, I go after what I want, and tonight I want to be with you. And I’d never seen a woman who I made swoon before. I’d never made a woman swoon. And she sort of swooned.
Connell Barrett [00:07:45 – 00:08:40]
And I moved in and we kissed, and we were together the whole night. We left the venue a little bit later, we went and sang karaoke at Iggy’s amazing karaoke place on the Upper east side of New York City. We did karaoke, and we ended up back at my place. And she spent the night and the next morning she’s in my bed and I’m literally like, she’s asleep. And I’m like poking her shoulder because I’m not sure if this is real or it’s a dream. I’m like, did I really bring this beautiful girl back with me to my home? What? What? I had never approached a woman before that night, let alone brought the cute girl back from the bar. A beautiful woman in my bed too. And I was like, wait a second, you can just walk up to women, be authentic, be yourself, you know, take some action, show some courage, and then they leave the bar with you.
Connell Barrett [00:08:40 – 00:09:10]
What? So anyway, my point of this story is it took resilience for me to do that. It took Ryan, my coach, amping me up. But man, I had to show resilience. Resilience is. I am not quitting until I either get what I want or I get a clear answer that I won’t. That’s resilience. Keep, keep going, keep fighting, keep trying. And resilience is a really powerful thing in dating.
Connell Barrett [00:09:10 – 00:09:48]
In my book, I talk about what I call these five super values. There are five values, super values, I call them that. When we apply these values in our dating life, amazing things happen. You know, I’ve been, we’re talking about the NBA playoffs and think of these five values like five star players on the basketball team of your love life. Here they are. Number one is courage. Courage is your starting center because you have to show courage to make some moves in dating and to put yourself out there. Another super value is authentic expression.
Connell Barrett [00:09:48 – 00:10:14]
Being who you are, saying the true real thing, being yourself, saying what you think and feel. Another is man to woman communication. Basically, that’s flirting, a turbocharged way to flirt. A fourth value, super value, is playfulness. That’s what flirting is. Flirting is about play. And the fifth super value is resilience. It’s the least sexy, but still such an important super value.
Connell Barrett [00:10:15 – 00:10:42]
Resilience is what got me to go back over and take that. Well, resilience plus courage to go, go to go over there and pull Kelly away from those guys. And it was so. It felt so good to walk out of that bar. I didn’t, I didn’t literally see him, but I can imagine. I just hoped wavy haired Wall street dude watched me leave with her. I hope he did. I don’t know if he did, but I certainly hope so anyway.
Connell Barrett [00:10:42 – 00:11:02]
So resilience ain’t sexy. But bro, it will change your dating life. It will find you love, it will make You a man. Resilience is powerful. Here’s a quick resilience story. I have a client named Jay. He lives in the Pacific Northwest, and he just texted me yesterday. His higher self name is Showtime.
Connell Barrett [00:11:02 – 00:11:23]
Boy, there really is an NBA theme today. I didn’t even realize that going in. His higher self name is Showtime. All my clients choose what I call the higher self name, which is their most confident, amazing, badass self, who women are very drawn to. And so Jay named his higher self Showtime because he’s a Lakers fan from way back. Magic Johnson. Showtime, L.A. lA Lakers.
Connell Barrett [00:11:23 – 00:12:05]
Anyway, Showtime, text me yesterday and he’s like, connell, here, check it out. This is my new girlfriend. And he showed me a picture of the woman he’s now with. I forget her name, and I’m still waiting to hear how he met and what happened. But I know for a fact that Jay had to show a lot of resilience because Jay needed three times the amount of coaching that most of my clients need. Most of the guys I work with, after a month or two, they’re crushing it. Mostly every so often, though, I get a guy who just hits different sticking points. And I know Jay had to do a couple bonus sessions with me, and we were kind of smashing through some limiting beliefs.
Connell Barrett [00:12:05 – 00:12:39]
He had some issues with his confidence, some issues with flirting. Bottom line is he, he didn’t quit. And I could hear the pain and the frustration at some low moments for him. But I don’t remember if I literally said this to him or not, but I hope I said something like, jay, keep going. Show that resilience. Because it’s just a matter of who your girlfriend ends up being, not if you meet somebody and now he’s in a relationship with a very pretty brunette. Still waiting to hear the story from Jay. Show time.
Connell Barrett [00:12:39 – 00:13:18]
But he had to show that resilience. There’s a lot of different ways to show resilience in dating. I would say here’s a good way to show resilience in ways great and small. Most guys, there’s what most guys do, and then there’s what resilient men do. Most guys, when one unanswered text doesn’t get a response, they go quiet and give up and say, wah, I got ghosted. A resilient man sends that second or third message. The playful, funny follow up. Dear diary, cute girl named Madison went quiet.
Connell Barrett [00:13:19 – 00:14:06]
Should I send out a search party? That’s what the resilient guy does. He doesn’t give up. Most guys don’t approach at all because, oh, no, what if my friends see me get shot down. A resilient man. Embraces the fear, or at least doesn’t resist it, and says, I’m going to take action anyway, using resilience and courage. And he walks up to the woman and shoots his shot, just like Showtime did many times. A resilient man says, yeah, maybe my friends will make fun of me, but maybe my friends will be impressed that I. I’m the one guy in the bar who walked over to that stunning blonde in the tank top.
Connell Barrett [00:14:06 – 00:14:45]
Everybody else wanted to, but I did it. Maybe my friends will be impressed. That’s a resilient mindset, A very resilient mindset. A most guys would. On a first date, if a woman, you know, checked her phone or seemed distracted or wasn’t contributing to the first date, most guys would give up or at least say, all right, well, why don’t we call it a night? And then, because assuming he’s not. She’s not into him. But a resilient guy says, huh, I’m not really engaging her yet. Let’s try something different.
Connell Barrett [00:14:45 – 00:15:16]
Let’s switch locations. Let me tell a story. Let me change the topic. Being resilient is going to change everything for you. I went to a Tony Robbins seminar once, and I still remember him talking about Thomas Edison. And Tony was like, thomas Edison failed to invent a light bulb 1231 times. It was that 1233rd time where he fucking invented it and changed the world. But first he had to fail 1200 times.
Connell Barrett [00:15:17 – 00:15:34]
I thought that was a great little moment from Tony. I still remember that. I still share that with clients. I’ve had a lot of resilient moments. Plenty of times I wasn’t resilient. Don’t get me wrong. I am not preaching from a place of superiority to anybody. There were plenty of times I gave up.
Connell Barrett [00:15:34 – 00:16:14]
Plenty of times the most resilient night of my life. In dating, I won’t retell the whole story, but go back to an episode from. I recorded it in Miami back in March, late February, early March. And it was the night I almost gave up on approaching. And my amazing coach at the time, a guy named Owen Cook, took me under his wing and helped me have a breakthrough that changed my life. And it took resilience to have that approaching breakthrough. And I wouldn’t be talking to you right now, because I wouldn’t be a dating coach had that not happened. In fact, watching Owen Cook back in the day, he was one of my.
Connell Barrett [00:16:14 – 00:16:40]
He was my. My most valuable guru. If I’m. If I’M Qui Gon, he’s my Yoda. If I’m Obi Wan, he’s my Yoda. And I remember, I remember that night in Miami when I was about to give up on approaching, he said, stick with me, I’ll help you. We’re at the Fontainebleau Hotel. Here’s a moment of resilience, a little snapshot into the kind of mindset it takes.
Connell Barrett [00:16:43 – 00:17:23]
I watched him before I did any approaches. He was just not in the mood to approach. And these two or three gorgeous women in tight, tiny dresses, they walk by us in the Fontainebleau Hotel in Miami on a Saturday night in March many years ago. And the place is loaded with stunning, beautiful women. And he was just. Was not in the zone, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. And he looks at me and says, he walks toward the women and he, he gestures the gun to his head, gesture with his index and middle finger. And basically as if to say, oh, I want to blow my brains out.
Connell Barrett [00:17:23 – 00:17:57]
I really don’t want to approach them. But he did it anyway because he knew that was his job. He was my coach, he was there to approach. He just fucking did it. That was a little snapshot of resilience that I still remember. That meant a lot to me. It was, it was really interesting seeing the guy who probably has approached more women than anybody, at least right up there, watching him have a moment of pushback, of resistance, of not wanting to do it, but fucking doing it anyway. So look for all the different ways great and small in your life to be resilient, to say, I’m going to find a way.
Connell Barrett [00:17:58 – 00:18:17]
Your first two or three iterations of your online dating profile don’t work. That doesn’t mean the apps don’t work. It doesn’t mean you suck. It means that version of your profile didn’t suck. Be resilient. Try a different version. You approached 10 women last week. None of them gave you the number, phone number.
Connell Barrett [00:18:18 – 00:18:57]
Don’t give up. Ask yourself, okay, how do I, what do I need to change? What do I need to do differently? Do I need to hire Connell Barrett, or do I just need to go try some different approach moves? Resilience ain’t sexy, but it’ll change your life. It’s what got Thomas Edison to finally invent the light bulb. Bottom line is that great, amazing, game changing results, rewarding, fulfilling outcomes. Resilience is necessary. It’s essential. Because achieving something amazing, incredible, it’s not supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be hard.
Connell Barrett [00:18:58 – 00:19:56]
Now I’m not saying every part of dating should be hard all the time, but approaching is going to be scary at first for you. If you’ve never told a woman she’s sexy, if you’ve never gone for a kiss on the first date, if you’ve never had sex, it’s going to be scary when you make those moves the first time. But we put those five values into place. Courage is a big one. And resilience. All about resilience. So as the Knicks move toward their NBA championship using resilience, here’s my mission for you. Ask yourself, how can I apply resilience in my dating life? How can I get, get, get back on the horse? How can I try something different on the date when it’s not going well? How can I bring a resilient version of myself and basically find a way, Find a way again.
Connell Barrett [00:19:56 – 00:20:17]
I want to send you my book. If you’ve never read it, just shoot me an email. Conallatingtransformation.com I talk about resilience. There’s a lot of stories in there about me, my struggles, a lot of tips. Free book for anybody who wants it. Just email me and it’d be my pleasure to send it to you. Yeah, so go, Nicks. Stay resilient.
Connell Barrett [00:20:18 – 00:20:47]
Find a way. And I’ll leave you with a philosophy that I say to all of my clients and I’ll say it to you. Take this mindset in dating. Assert your ideal dating outcome until you either get it in a win, win way with that woman or you get clear evidence that you won’t get it. It’s got to be win, win. It’s gotta be like, oh, yeah, she’s into it. Ask that woman out. Did she say, yes? Great, you got your date.
Connell Barrett [00:20:47 – 00:21:00]
Did she say, no, thank you, Great. Move on, you did your job. But don’t settle for, oh, let me get back to you. And then you go quiet. She goes quiet. You never follow through. Follow through. Get an answer.
Connell Barrett [00:21:00 – 00:21:18]
Be resilient. It ain’t sexy, but it’ll make you sexier. Sam.
