Connell Barrett [00:00:00]:
Yep, just those three options, not 12. We want to keep it simple. This isn’t a Cheesecake Factory menu.
Speaker B [00:00:15]:
So this is Christmas. And what have you done? Another year over and a new one just begun. And so this is Christmas. I hope you have fun. The mirror.
Connell Barrett [00:00:51]:
All right, welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. It’s Christmas day. All right. If you listen to my podcast, you know what a big Beatles fan I am. John and Paul, Those are my two prophets. The gospel of John Lennon, Paul McCartney. Hey. Merry Christmas.
Connell Barrett [00:01:23]:
This episode is dropping on Christmas day, and I want to give you a Christmas gift of sorts. I want to give you what I think is the most valuable 20 minutes of dating advice I can give today’s guy. You in 2025. I want to help you fix what may be your biggest sticking point in the area of technique. The biggest, most common thing I hear from men like you. More men ask me this than anything else they say, Connell, I don’t know what to say to women. I want to break the ice with women. I want to talk to the cute girl at the bar or in the gym or at the Christmas party.
Connell Barrett [00:02:12]:
I want to ask my crush out. I want to start conversations with attractive women. So sick of the apps, but I don’t know what to say. And that’s what I want to give you today. I want to give you a brand new framework that I call the what to say method. And the what to say method is a very simple framework to authentically break the ice with women with a zero percent chance of being creepy and and a very high percent chance of having it go well. And I would say the what to say method that I’ll share with you now, it’s 90% rejection proof. Nothing’s a hundred percent rejection proof.
Connell Barrett [00:02:49]:
We can’t control women. We can’t control other people. But the what I’m going to teach you for how to break the ice with women, you’re going to know exactly what to say and you’re going to rarely, if ever get rejected and you’re going to start getting phone numbers and dates. If not knowing what to say is the only thing stopping you from talking to attractive women, then let’s fix it in 20 minutes or less. Because right now you see women all the time, right? You want to talk to in bars, in cafes. For me, it was always the coffee shop. You overthink, you freeze up, and you try to think of the perfect thing to say. You get in your head and then you don’t do anything.
Connell Barrett [00:03:33]:
And but what if you could know exactly what to say without memorizing anything and never get rejected or at least never get a bad response and never bother women. And that’s what I’m going to share with you, how to do that today. This is a framework, sort of a system you might call it, that my clients and I use. I developed this, the what to say method of approaching. It’s how my clients and I have dated hundreds of women. It’s how I have met girlfriends and many dates. And I’m going to teach to you right now. And once you get the hang of this, you’re not going to have to worry about what to say.
Connell Barrett [00:04:13]:
You’re going to feel more confident, you’re going to get more dates. And you can finally, if you want, delete the dating apps. You probably just want to get off the dating apps because I think the world becomes your dating app when you know what to say. And you can break the ice with any woman anywhere. The world becomes your Tinder and you get a lot of real world matches. Okay, here’s my what to say method. Stick with me because we’re going to move pretty fast here. So let’s go.
Connell Barrett [00:04:45]:
Here’s the what to say method. So talking to women is all about being authentic. That’s what it’s about. And you want to be spontaneous. You don’t want to plan anything. When you see a woman you want to meet and talk to, you don’t need a perfect line. You just need one of three options. Option A, option B and option C.
Connell Barrett [00:05:05]:
Option A is you give her a G rated compliment. Option B is you ask her a genuine question. Option C is you share an observation, something you notice about her or what’s happening around you. Compliment, question, observation. It’s as easy as ABC. Yep, just those three options, not 12. We want to keep it simple. This isn’t a Cheesecake Factory menu.
Connell Barrett [00:05:34]:
We want few options, just three options. And that’s your entire approaching toolbox in terms of starting conversations. Those first words. Because the first words, that’s the hardest word. Once you start having conversations with women I trust and know that you’re going to have really good interactions because you’re a good guy, you have a lot to offer, you’re a good catch, and hopefully you know that and feel that. So let’s go through each of these options. A, B, C, a compliment. You see that woman you want to talk to, you give her a compliment.
Connell Barrett [00:06:10]:
You might say, hey, that’s a great tattoo. I love that design. Or oh, I love your glasses. Very cool retro glasses. Or you might notice her T shirt. I was at the gym once and this really beautiful, cool woman was wearing an ACDC T shirt. And I said, hey, I love your T shirt. ACDC rocks.
Connell Barrett [00:06:35]:
Start talking about heavy metal or hard, you know, hard rock. Genuine compliments feel warm to women. They do not feel creepy. So just focus on her style, her vibe, an article of clothing, not her body. Let’s move to question option B in the what to say method. You want to ask her something that makes sense in the context at Starbucks, you might say, hey, excuse me. Say she’s standing in line next to you. Are you thinking of getting an iced coffee or a hot coffee today? Or maybe you’re at the gym? So many guys are afraid to talk to women at the gym.
Connell Barrett [00:07:13]:
Oh, I don’t want to be creepy. Well, is it creepy to say to a woman, hey, excuse me, what’s on your gym playlist today? What are you listening to on your AirPods? Is that creepy? I think a very reasonable, rational, most reasonable people would say, no, that’s just friendly conversation at the gym. So you ask a question that makes sense. And then option C is observation. Call out something unusual. Call out something small and specific and slightly unusual. At a bar, you might see that all these women have very similar matching drinks. You might break the ice with all of them.
Connell Barrett [00:07:52]:
Hey, ladies, you guys have matching drinks? Are you all in the same pina colada club or are you all in the same club? Or let’s say you’re at a coffee shop? This is an example that I use. Once you see her pouring a lot of sugar into her drink. I was once at a Starbucks and this woman put five or six packets of sugar in her 1:1 coffee. And I said, hey, I see you take some coffee with your sugar. There’s something about calling out a truthful observation that’s a little bit unusual. That plays a fun little playful game of Gotcha with her. As in gotcha. I noticed.
Connell Barrett [00:08:31]:
I noticed something. I have a client named, I’ll call him trevor. Trevor in St. Louis was at a bar recently and he saw a woman pop a. A little tobacco nicotine pouch into her mouth. He observed that. That’s a little bit different. He actually has the same nicotine addiction to get over, and he knows what those pouches look like.
Connell Barrett [00:08:57]:
So he said, ah, hey, I saw you pop that pouch. I do that too. And all of a sudden, the two of them were talking about their quit smoking journey together. So again, notice how low the bar is for these right It’s a low bar. If you get stuck in your head, not sure what to say to women, it’s because you think you need amazing game, something hilarious, something witty, something pickup artisty. You don’t. You just need to break the ice using A, B or C, compliment, question or observation. The bar is very low.
Connell Barrett [00:09:31]:
In fact lower. A lower bar is better. Feels better to women than you saying something perfect or witty. Because even if you do come up with something really clever and perfect and witty that’s not even relatable to most women, they might find it entertaining, but it’s not really relatable. It’s not the meet cute moment they want. I approached a couple gorgeous girls many, many years ago. I approached a couple girls I was in. Where was I? I was in Europe.
Connell Barrett [00:09:59]:
I was taking a course as a student learning how to approach from my coach at the time. And I walked up to a couple. Oh, it was in Oslo, Norway. It was in Oslo. The women, the women of Norway are just beautiful. So I walk up to a couple women in the daytime like in a park in Oslo, Norway and I had the perfect funny line. I made them laugh. And after two minutes I said, hey, do you guys want to go get coffee or can I get your number? And they said, oh, no thanks, but it was very entertaining talking to you.
Connell Barrett [00:10:31]:
And they walked away. My lesson was you can be too funny or, or you can come off as a try hard entertainer. I was doing good standup comedy for them, but I wasn’t connecting with them. I wasn’t being relatable. And the what to say method makes you relatable. Here are some more other examples of openers you might use. Compliments. Hey, that leather jacket is awesome.
Connell Barrett [00:10:55]:
You look dangerous. Or hey, I like that nose ring. It’s very early 90s, very grunge. I said that once to a woman at Whole Foods. She told me all about her nose ring story. Or another one might be as simple as hey, your hair looks fantastic today. A plus. My client Paul met his now girlfriend by just walking up.
Connell Barrett [00:11:18]:
He she was walking on the sidewalk next to him on a Saturday afternoon in a park, kind of a windy day. He said, hey, your hair is blowing in the wind, but it looks fantastic that way. I’m not saying it’s the world, the world’s best quote unquote pickup line. I’m saying that’s what makes it good. It’s not a pickup line, it’s just sharing something. And they were on a date and now they’re. Now they’re a Couple. That’s how it all started.
Connell Barrett [00:11:44]:
Okay, here’s some more examples of questions at a bookstore. Hey, have you read that author before? At the dog park. Cute dog. What breed is your pooch? At a clothing store. Hey, pardon me, miss. I need a woman’s opinion. Do you like this shirt? Women love giving their opinion style opinions to men, especially in clothing stores. I’m colorblind.
Connell Barrett [00:12:10]:
I can’t tell you how many women I approached back in the day at a clothing store saying, hey, excuse me, can you tell me what color the shirt is? I’m colorblind. I need your help. And then again, third category of the what to say method, observations at a bar. Hey, I love that you’re the only one here not looking at your phone. I’m impressed. Or at a museum, looking at a woman watching a painting. Wow, you seem so immersed in that painting. What is it saying to you? Now with that one, I just combine observation and then pivoting over to a question.
Connell Barrett [00:12:44]:
Or at the gym, you notice a woman just killing it on the treadmill. She gets off the treadmill, she’s at the drinking fountain. You walk over, hey, excuse me, I, I think you set a treadmill speed record. Don’t get pulled over. And what I love about the observation 1, the third part of the what to say option method is it gives you a chance to crack some jokes. Because once you, once you call out an observation, you can often add to it and make it some, make it fun or funny. Another time at the gym, I noticed, I observed the woman’s water bottle was shaped like a flask. It was shaped like a whiskey flask, but it was clear so I could see the clear liquid inside.
Connell Barrett [00:13:25]:
I noticed that. I observed that and I said, hey, I see you have a flask here for your bottle. Gin or vodka today. What gets you through your workout? She cracked up. She loved it. See, you can add humor and playfulness, but it all starts with these with relatability. So the what to say method tells you what to say in a spontaneous way. Women find it charming, relatable, and it’s not 90% rejection proof.
Connell Barrett [00:13:56]:
Here’s why. A G rated compliment is innocent. It’s not sexual. There’s no red flags. And a simple environment based question, very normal. What’s a woman at Starbucks going to say to you? How dare you ask me if I like iced coffee or hot coffee? I mean, okay, if a woman says that, fine, but she’s the weirdo, she’s the creep, not you. You’re just a guy having A chill, authentic conversation at a coffee shop and making an observation. That’s just everyday human interaction.
Connell Barrett [00:14:30]:
There is nothing creepy happening here with the what to say method that will trigger a rejection. You’re not hitting on her, you’re just chatting in a light way. And women love this. And this works. You might be wondering, well, why does it work? Why is this so effective? Well, it works because women are social beings, people are social beings and we have unspoken rules about how to behave in public. There’s a social compact and pickup artist and cat callers, these, these dudes violate those rules by coming on too strong or being sexual too soon. That’s off putting. But when you just make normal, genuine, authentic small talk, chit chat, you’re not being creepy, you’re not bothering her, you’re just talking.
Connell Barrett [00:15:17]:
It’s not bothering a woman to break the ice. It’s bothering if you ignore her request to not talk and then you say five more things to her. But you’re not going to do that. You’re a good guy, you’re a gentleman. Now you might be tempted to pre script what you say. Don’t do it. Don’t plan anything that makes you sound robotic. You don’t script your conversations with friends or co workers.
Connell Barrett [00:15:43]:
Right? So yeah, don’t do it. When you’re breaking the ice with women, let the what to say method tell you what to say. And that’s the kind, that’s the big aha moment I really want you to have. The what to say method tells you what to say. So let me share with you the night that I remember mastering the what to say method. And I got three dates lined up with three women. I was at a rooftop lounge. I saw a woman in a silvery dress.
Connell Barrett [00:16:08]:
She looked like Jennifer Beals from Flashdance, my Crush from the 80s and 90s. And I walked up and I said, you look like the girl from Flashdance. And she lit up and said, oh my God, I love that movie. We talked, I got her number. A little bit later that night, I joked with a bachelorette party guest. A woman part of the bachelorette party. I joked about there was there, they were dancing. And I observed, I made an observation that they were dancing.
Connell Barrett [00:16:38]:
And I’m like, hey, I’m here for the dance party. I’m the male stripper who you guys hired. I got her number. And I remember that night I was just going back and forth practicing the what to say method. I got three phone numbers with three different women. And I teach all of my clients this, by the way, I’m not teaching you anything or suggesting anything that I don’t teach my guys. My client, Robbie, he’s a software engineer. We went out a couple months ago.
Connell Barrett [00:17:05]:
He had never approached a woman before. He was afraid to talk. He was afraid to make eye contact, let alone talk to women he found cute. Oh, he overthought things. So he never talked to women once. He was so. He actually once was so in his head that he wrote his phone number down on a post it and he gave it to the cute cashier at his local Trader Joe’s, thinking, oh, I’ll give her a note. But he didn’t actually talk to her.
Connell Barrett [00:17:31]:
He didn’t say anything. And I taught Robbie the method. And one Sunday afternoon, he goes out of the coffee shop, he makes an observation, he notices what book this girl’s reading. They start talking about books, boom, they’re on an instant coffee date. So from silently passing creepy notes at the grocery store on post its to instant coffee dates, boom. That’s what Robby did. Okay, here’s two quick tips to make this work for you. Rule number one with the what to say method is say the first thing that comes into your mind, not the perfect thing.
Connell Barrett [00:18:07]:
You don’t need a witty perfect line. In fact, trying to be perfect just gets you in your head. I was once at Whole Foods and there was this woman shopping for oranges and these oranges were stacked in pyramids and I had the perfect opener. It took me a minute to think of it. I was going to make some joke about nothing rhymes with orange. I walk over with my pre planned line, I grab an orange as a prop, and the tower or the pyramid of oranges collapses. We both laugh. And my actual opener, the actual thing I said was, isn’t gravity a bitch? Because that came out of the moment.
Connell Barrett [00:18:49]:
So be spontaneous, be perfectly imperfect is the lesson here. Say the first thing you think of. Be present and spontaneous. The simpler your opener, compliment, question or observation, the better it will go. And tip number two is avoid gimmicky openers. Women hate scripted lines that sound like you googled them. Don’t be that guy. My girlfriend Jess was at a rooftop bar once.
Connell Barrett [00:19:16]:
She was out with me as I was coaching clients. My girlfriend comes out and plays wing woman for us sometimes and I left her alone for a few minutes to go help a client. And a guy walks up to Jess and he had this really dumb line. It was something like, oh, hi, I just saw you. I’m a pirate looking for some treasure. Will you help me find The Buried Treasure. And she. It was just so weird and scripted and planned and he said it in a very robotic, mechanical way.
Connell Barrett [00:19:47]:
So it was very gimmicky. And she wasn’t mad. She was just like, dude, you need to talk to my boyfriend. So remember, compliment, question or observation. No gimmicks. You don’t need gimmicks. You are enough. You are enough.
Connell Barrett [00:20:04]:
You don’t need a gimmick when you’re a great guy. Like you are. So, yeah, that’s the what to say method. It’s so simple. Here’s what I want you to do. Don’t just listen to this podcast. Go out and apply this this weekend between Christmas and New Year’s or the coming week. Do five icebreakers.
Connell Barrett [00:20:26]:
Compliment, question, observation. Put the what to say method to the test and I bet you will not get rejected once. And I’ll bet you’ll feel so much more confident. You’ll feel so much better. Now here’s the thing. If you go out to try to apply this and you still freeze up. You still aren’t doing it. You want to, but you don’t.
Connell Barrett [00:20:48]:
If you want to go try the what to say method, but you find yourself still freezing up, then it’s not about what to say with you. That’s not your real problem. The real problem is actually what’s happening inside of you. The real problem is because if you want to go out and try this method and you don’t do it, the real problem is not knowing what to say. The real problem is self doubt. You fear that you’re just not enough for incredible women. I know this because I battled approach anxiety for years. I used to think it was about not knowing what to say, but that wasn’t the problem.
Connell Barrett [00:21:26]:
The real problem for me was that I didn’t approach women because I thought I was just not what women wanted. Not enough, too nerdy, too boring. The first night I ever went out to approach girls, I actually had a panic attack in the bathroom stall before I did my first approach ever. And that’s because I was so terrified that women would reject me. And by the way, my coach that night had given me an opener to use. I had something to say. The problem wasn’t what to say. It was that I felt worthless to women.
Connell Barrett [00:21:59]:
Ugly, unattractive, just not enough. And if you feel that way, if you go out to try to apply this, but you just don’t do it, you freeze up. Your problem is not. I don’t know what to say. Your problem is self doubt. Your problem is thinking why would any woman want me? But I want you to know here on Christmas day, my gift to you. Small, little honest, sincere thought from my heart. You are enough.
Connell Barrett [00:22:26]:
You are worthy of love. You are good enough. And you can and will if you want to make 2026 the year you finally find love and self worth in the area of women and sex and confidence. And a year from today, if you want, you can be with your beautiful new girlfriend celebrating Christmas morning, celebrating the holidays. And I just want you to know that. And if you really are ready to finally walk up to a gorgeous woman and to do it with confidence, then I want to help you. Want to give you a little free thingy here. Go to my website datingtransformation.com book a free chat with me, book a free call and I can share with you how my coaching works and I can give you a personalized plan to overcome self doubt and become really confident so you can approach women and of course know what to say.
Connell Barrett [00:23:26]:
The call is free. It’s a consultation to find out if you and I might want to work together. It’s not a free coaching session, it’s a free consultation. So go to datingtransformation.com if you want to do that. I’ll leave you with one. One more thing. I owe you the I owe you truth. I owe everybody truth.
Connell Barrett [00:23:47]:
I owe myself truth. Here’s the truth. If you want to approach women and you don’t do it and you continue to not do it for the coming weeks and months, you’re going to lose more than just time. You’re going to lose love, you’re going to lose dates, you’re going to miss out on sex. And a year from now you could still be lonely on Christmas morning with no body. I had so many lonely Christmas mornings in the past before I figured out my dating life. Especially approaching or if you want to make a decision right now, then you can say hey, I really want to find out if this approaching thing works and how to overcome my confidence issues and approach girls. And if you feel that way then just go to datingtransformation.com and click the link to book a free call with me.
Connell Barrett [00:24:41]:
And if you don’t feel that way, no worries. Go out and apply the what to say method. You’re gonna it’s gonna blow your mind. It’s gonna work so well and let me know how it goes and email me at connellatingtransformation.com and tell me how the what to say method goes for you. Have a Merry Christmas, a happy 2026. And I will talk to you in the new year. Remember your dream girlfriend. She is out there for you in 2026.
Connell Barrett [00:25:10]:
She’s just gonna have to meet the real authentic you.
