Connell Barrett [00:00:00]:
The problem is not you’re not enough. The problem is your profile is not enough. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I’m your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am here to help you get more matches, get more dates, get a lot more confidence, and get a great girlfriend. And it’s all about being authentically you, not trying to be somebody you’re not. I want to talk to you today about the dating apps and online dating and 6 of the biggest lies that you have heard and likely believe. And these lies, these myths are getting in the way.
Connell Barrett [00:00:48]:
If you’re failing, if you’re frustrated on the dating apps, if you just don’t get many matches, don’t get many dates, The apps just haven’t worked for you. It’s not that apps don’t work, and it’s not that you’re not attractive enough. That’s not the real reason. So in today’s episode, I want to break down 6 of the biggest myths, the biggest lies that men are told about online dating, such as this idea that you have to be really great looking, you have to be a male model, Hollywood handsome type. And stick around to the very end of today’s podcast because I’m going to share a secret that I learned while working with a major dating app about what dating apps do and don’t do to help you behind the scenes. And you’re going to want to stick around because it might make your jaw drop and realize, oh, wait a minute, are the dating apps really trying to help me or not? So if you’re frustrated by the dating apps, then stick around. Let’s get to it. So let’s go with Lie number 1.
Connell Barrett [00:01:51]:
Here’s the biggest lie. Here’s the biggest myth about online dating, which is that you might think that if you struggle on the dating apps, it’s because you are just not attractive enough. That’s not the truth. That’s not the case. The truth is that it’s not you. It’s your marketing. Online dating isn’t really dating. Online dating is just marketing.
Connell Barrett [00:02:15]:
It’s a piece of digital marketing. Online dating doesn’t become dating. Until you meet that woman in real life, or at least until you start texting her and messaging with her. Then it becomes dating because now we’re flirting, now we’re messaging back and forth. But until then, it’s not dating, it’s just marketing. And I want this to be good news for you. The problem is not you’re not enough. The problem is your profile is not enough.
Connell Barrett [00:02:38]:
In other words, you don’t suck, your marketing sucks. I wrote a book that came out back in 2021 called Dating Sucks But You Don’t. The title of that book came from a story that I was telling a friend about my client Barry. I had a guy named Barry who came to me many years ago. We were looking at his profile and he has selfies. His lead profile was a selfie, kind of a dark, grainy selfie he took in his dark, dark family room. And his bios were very logical, overly packed with information, nothing flirty or fun. And Barry was just really down on himself.
Connell Barrett [00:03:20]:
And I remember he said to me, Connell, I just, I just think I suck at dating. Women just aren’t into me. And I said, Barry, you don’t suck. You’re awesome. Your profile sucks. Your profile is not good marketing, but you’re an amazing guy. That actually, that’s actually how my book came to be titled Dating Sucks, But You Don’t. And I want you to take that same takeaway home today.
Connell Barrett [00:03:42]:
If you struggle on the dating apps, if you have never had a date, or had a quality date with a quality woman, really incredible catch, it’s not that you aren’t enough, it’s that your marketing isn’t enough. And I want you to feel liberated by this. Understand this is a fixable issue. It’s not— you don’t have to be Hollywood handsome. You don’t have to be a millionaire. You don’t have to be a top whatever, 1% guy, whatever that means. Just know you need to become a kick-ass, really good marketer. Take me for instance.
Connell Barrett [00:04:18]:
I am— I have certain virtues going for me. You know, I’m 6’1″, relatively successful, very funny and flirty, but I’m not a great-looking guy. I’m kind of average or slightly above average at best. I’m not muscular. I’m not some charismatic alpha male. I’m actually a pretty big dork, a pretty big nerd, but I know how to market myself. On the apps. That’s how I met my girlfriend, Jess.
Connell Barrett [00:04:41]:
She really liked my first photo that showed me very sincerely, authentically showing who I am, which is— she described me as the high school teacher she had a crush on. That was coming out, coming off in my marketing in terms of my first photo. That’s what made her match with me. Here we are years later, boyfriend, girlfriend, a happy couple. So don’t listen to that bullshit story. It is a myth. Let’s go with myth number 2, or lie number 2 you hear all the time, or that you probably hear and believe on some level, which is that you have to be really good-looking to succeed on the apps. You have to be Hollywood handsome.
Connell Barrett [00:05:20]:
And if you’re not, you’re out of luck. But that’s not the truth. The truth is that good looks are a nice bonus, but they’re overrated. Making a woman feel good is underrated. Looking good is overrated. Making her feel good is underrated. That’s what actually gets you matches. I had another client.
Connell Barrett [00:05:42]:
I’m going to change his name. Also starts with a B, but I just used the name Barry. Let’s go with, let’s go with Ben. My client Ben worked with me a while back. And Ben is literally male model attractive. Like, he did modeling in college. He went to some Ivy League school and did like a— had a side hustle part-time male modeling. He sent me photos of him with his like six-pack abs just popping.
Connell Barrett [00:06:12]:
And so Ben is objectively really, really good looking. Yet he hired me to be his coach because he just wasn’t getting good matches on Tinder. In the apps. And he had like male model, male model quality photos. And he’s like, Connell, I don’t get it. I think I’m attractive. I used to do modeling. Why aren’t women matching with me? And because the truth is, women aren’t really matching based on your looks.
Connell Barrett [00:06:39]:
They’re matching on how your profile and your photos and overall story, how they make them feel. And Ben’s profile was making them feel like He was a douche. He had all these Zoolander types of photos, like pouting at the camera. He was trying really hard to come off as attractive, and that actually turned women off, even though he is ostensibly an attractive dude. So being good-looking, look, it’s a nice bonus if you are a classically handsome guy. I’m not saying that’s worthless, But it is not enough. It really— all that really matters is how you’re making a woman feel. That’s what’s underrated, making her feel good.
Connell Barrett [00:07:24]:
And more specifically, the way to make a woman feel really excited about you is having photos and a bio that together tell a story. And that story is, look at what a genuine, authentically attractive life I have. Wouldn’t you like to be a part of it? So if your bio and photos don’t come together to say that to a woman, you could be great looking or less than good looking, and you’re going to struggle on the dating apps because the dating apps are very competitive. Okay, let’s move on to lie, online dating lie number 3, myth number 3. Here it is. Hmm. My openers have to be really good. That’s why women don’t write me back.
Connell Barrett [00:08:15]:
My openers aren’t good enough. That’s bullshit. Here’s the truth. Your opener was good enough. Your profile wasn’t good enough. Your opener is probably good enough. Your profile isn’t. Here’s a thought experiment.
Connell Barrett [00:08:34]:
Imagine a woman goes on Hinge and she sees Ryan Gosling or Ryan Gosling’s twin brother, whatever her dream guy is, and they match and he opens with, “Hi.” Is that woman going to write back Ryan Gosling with, “Hi?” He says, “Hi, how’s your day?” Is she going to write him back? Hell yeah, she is, because he’s Ryan fucking Gosling. She sees so much value, so much that he brings to her table, her dating table. Of course she’s going to write back. He could write almost anything and she’s going to reply because she sees so much of what he can bring to her table. So his opener doesn’t have to be all that good. He just has to have a really— because his profile, because he as Ryan Gosling offers so much value, she’s going to be like, hell yeah, I want to write this guy back. Now, you and I are not Ryan Gosling, obviously, but your opener doesn’t have to be all that amazing if your profile is fantastic. I would much rather you have a kick-ass profile and mediocre, boring openers than a mediocre, boring profile and kick-ass openers.
Connell Barrett [00:09:53]:
Because one of those is a recipe for success. The other one’s a recipe for loneliness, for frustration on the apps. So think of it this way. Let’s— let me ask you, sir. Imagine your dream girl, whoever she is. Gal Gadot. She’s one of mine, I suppose. Scarlett Johansson.
Connell Barrett [00:10:12]:
Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie. Imagine she’s single. She’s on Hinge. Imagine you actually match with her in this thought experiment. She writes you, “Hi, how’s your week going?” Would you A, ghost her because she gave you a lame opener, or would you B, write her back, “Hi, Margot. Oh my God, you’re amazing. Let’s go on a date.” Would you be very interested in Margot Robbie and definitely write her back? Of course you would.
Connell Barrett [00:10:44]:
I’d like to think, I hope I would. Because it’s really not about her opener. It’s about how much value and excitement and investment you have in her. Women look at your profile the same way. So spend less time— we want to spend less time worrying about the perfect opener. Spend more time going back to truth number 2, myth number 2 busted, which is create that incredible profile that creates the interest from her. We want women seeing you as a regular guy, Ryan Gosling. As a regular guy, 8, 9, 10, with really good photos, bio that’s flirty, authentic, creates that story of, hey, look at my cool life, do you want in? And that’s when your openers don’t have to be that good.
Connell Barrett [00:11:31]:
Hope that makes sense. Okay, let’s go to lie number 4. Here’s the other lie you hear often, or maybe just more— this lie’s a strong word, just a misperception, a myth. You probably think, oh, I gotta cram a lot of good stuff into my prompt. I gotta cram everything about me into a prompt. Otherwise, a woman won’t be interested in my prompts or bio. One thing I see, I’ve seen this from dozens and dozens of clients just in the last year, my male clients, is a guy will put whatever the word limit is on Hinge or Bumble, he will cram everything he can into one prompt. I love to check out all the different tapas places and Spanish food, and when I’m not doing that, I’m surfing and I’m watching my favorite movies.
Connell Barrett [00:12:18]:
And also, I love taking care of my pet dog Barney. And on and on and on. And he crams so much into that prompt that a woman loses the thread. But here’s the truth: the best prompts spark emotion and curiosity. So think short, funny, and intriguing. That beats putting your life story into a prompt. You don’t want to put your life story into a prompt. Don’t put too much information into a prompt.
Connell Barrett [00:12:48]:
Information is overrated and, and, and a recipe for ghosting. Stimulation. Women want stimulation, not information in a prompt. So for example, my client Eric. Eric had one of those prompts on Hinge that is just loaded with data and information. It was like 4 things in one, and I couldn’t even get through it. It was so long. So I said, try this instead.
Connell Barrett [00:13:18]:
I give him one of my funny Hinge prompts that I give my clients, which was, um, Hinge has this setup, this little category that says shower thought I recently had. And I just gave him one that works really well. Shower thought I recently had. That’s already written there by Hinge. And then you just write, ah, hot water. Stupid joke. It’s literally a shower thought. And that is just a dumb dad joke.
Connell Barrett [00:13:46]:
And Eric gave that a try. He had like 4 or 5 matches in the next week, all specifically from that. Hinge prompt. Women wrote back, LOL, haha, that’s very funny. And all of a sudden the conversation was on. So short, funny, emotionally intriguing beats life story. In other words, think information. I’m sorry, think stimulation, not information.
Connell Barrett [00:14:11]:
Think jokes. Think curiosity, not here’s my resume in one prompt. All right, let’s go to number 5. Myth, lie number 5: success in the dating apps means you get a lot of matches. That’s the definition of success. Success means getting a lot of matches. That’s not really true. The truth is lots of matches are nice Don’t get me wrong, more is better than less, but what really matters is quality matches with women who are excited about you.
Connell Barrett [00:14:56]:
Let’s call those quality matches, quality interested matches. Quality meaning these are women you would love to meet and talk to and maybe date, and excited interested in that they get super excited and into you based on your profile. So quality, let’s call that a quality match. I would rather you have 3 quality matches a week than 33 matches where she’s just interested enough to match with you but just not that into going out with you, or not invested and interested enough in meeting up with you. Interest, investment, I’d rather you have fewer matches that are just quality and interested in you. So I have a client named Brian. Brian lives in upstate New York— former client, I should say. And I’ll be honest with you, Brian is no male model, okay? He, um, he is not, you know, your classically handsome guy, but he’s got his moments.
Connell Barrett [00:16:06]:
He’s a bit of a punk rocker. He’s a part-time college professor, and he’s got a real kind of cool, edgy side to him. He rides motorcycles. He’s into punk rock. He’s a drummer in a punk rock band in his spare time when he’s not doing his professorship. Really interesting guy. Interesting combination of intellectual and edgy. That creates a fun, powerful, strange— not strange, um, enticing dichotomy.
Connell Barrett [00:16:36]:
So Brian came to me like most guys do. Connell, I’m getting nothing, no matches, crickets. And we looked at what he was doing, and he had a very bland, basic profile, you know, selfies, informational prompts. And we looked at it and said, let’s, let’s really commit to this whole punk rock thing, right? A powerful way to overhaul your profile is think How can I create a dichotomy? Two unusual things that don’t usually go together. And with Brian, nerdy college professor meets punk rock drummer on the weekends, and he rides a motorcycle. So he’s got like bad boy vibes, but in an intellectual package. Very strange and unusual for a woman to see that. We overhauled his profile.
Connell Barrett [00:17:22]:
My photographer, Rianne, took his photos, and he got about 5 to 10 quality matches per week. And he was going out on like 2 dates a week, 3 dates a week. Now, he was— his phone wasn’t like lighting up with 25 matches. He was not getting like 25 matches a week. But you know what, he was getting quality invested matches. Because he was really speaking to his type of woman. He wasn’t just getting— if you— if we look at dating interest on a continuum of 1 to 10 from women, 10 being, you know, Clooney, Ryan Gosling, 1 being no interest. He was getting like a solid 7 or 8 from women, meaning women who liked him really liked him, at least on paper.
Connell Barrett [00:18:15]:
So it’s not about getting maximum number of matches. We want your profile to be somewhat polarizing where it’s going to be very deeply attractive to women. Who like your type. And if it pushes others away, that’s totally fine because we want women excited to meet you. This is a larger truth about dating in general. One of my old coaches back in the day, um, I forget his name, it’s been a while, forgive me whoever you are, but he gave me a great quote that I remembered early on when I was learning from my coaches. I’m like Luke Skywalker. I had Qui-Gon and Yoda coaching me back in the day.
Connell Barrett [00:18:55]:
And this old coach of mine used to say, Connell, don’t be Starbucks to women. Be like that edgy, weird, quirky hipster coffee place. Not everybody loves that. Not everybody wants to go to the quirky hipster coffee shop, but the people who really love it are fucking committed, they’re into it. And he said, everybody thinks Starbucks is just okay, but nobody’s wearing the t-shirt. I always like that. Nobody’s walking around saying, yeah, I’m a Starbucks guy. I love it.
Connell Barrett [00:19:32]:
And that’s, I think that’s interesting. And that’s what I was basically trying to do with Brian, is his, his previous profile was Starbucks. And we turned him into that edgy, quirky coffee shop, specifically, the punk rock meets college nerd that women never see. And that really spoke to his type. Boom. Fast forward 2 or 3 months later, he is dating a woman exclusively and they are now a couple. So yeah, it’s not about the number of matches you get. It’s just we want you to get 4 or 5 good matches a week.
Connell Barrett [00:20:06]:
Get 4 or 5 good matches a week, quality matches, invested, interested matches. Go on 1 or 2 dates a week, your whole life changes. Okay, and let’s go to the 6th and final lie/myth, which is something I learned back when I worked with a dating app. Here it is. You might think that dating apps are designed to help you find love. They’re not. They are not designed to help you find love. They are designed to help you stay on the app.
Connell Barrett [00:20:37]:
And keep looking and keep searching and keep swiping for as long as possible. And if you find love, if you find a partner, that’s a nice bonus, but it’s really not what they want. I know this from firsthand experience. I used to work for a dating app. I won’t mention the name. I’ve worked with a couple, by the way, but this dating app that I collaborated with, I was part of their internal conversations. I went to meetings. I knew the owner.
Connell Barrett [00:21:02]:
I knew all these people. And they talked about churn and burn. They said, ah, there’s too much churn and burn. People are coming here and they’re leaving. We need to keep them here longer. How do we keep them here longer? How do we get them more invested in staying here? What are the ways we can keep it, keep them on the app? Now, it wasn’t, it wasn’t like bad intentions. It’s not like they didn’t want people to find love. It’s just that this dating app did not look at the users romantic win as their top priority.
Connell Barrett [00:21:34]:
The dating app looked at their app’s financial win as the top priority. And the way they do that is to get you to keep buying likes, roses, upgrading, trying different promotion— trying different promotions. So keep in mind that the apps aren’t really trying to serve you. Don’t get me wrong, they want the success stories, they want people leaving good reviews, right? But really what they want is they just want you to stick around and keep you on the app as long as they can. They want that, they want the churn but not the burn. Okay, so keep that in mind. What is the fix for this, or what can you do about this going forward? I would say do what I did. I would always give a dating app 3 months.
Connell Barrett [00:22:25]:
I would give any dating app 3 months of my time and effort, and if I wasn’t getting some measurable outcome—dates with quality women, matches, whatever my definition of success was—I’m gonna bounce. I’m gonna try a different app because different apps work for different men. So anyway, don’t listen to some—don’t fall into the perception that, oh, the apps are there You know, what is Hinge’s motto? Designed to be deleted. I don’t know, maybe that’s true. Maybe that’s just marketing. Maybe they— maybe apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, and others, maybe they just really want you to stay there for as long as possible and then find love and delete it. Anyway, that’s what I learned in my behind, behind pulling the curtain behind working with dating apps. All right, thank you so much for listening.
Connell Barrett [00:23:18]:
By the way, if you would like to talk with me or somebody on my team about how the heck this whole dating coaching thing works, or if you want some help overhauling your profile and you want to find out how my dating coaching does that, um, go to datingtransformation.com. It’s my website, and you can book a free call to talk with me, and we can have a consultation to see if my coaching might be right for you. Anyway, until next time, thank you so much for listening.
