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The Right Way to Approach Women, with Confidence and Charm

Featuring NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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You often see intriguing women in bars, cafes, or at the gym, and you WANT to talk to them, but fear holds you back. You think, “What if I creep her out? What if she rejects me?” This anxiety feels paralyzing, and is costing you confidence and romance.

Real talk: If you can’t walk up to a woman and flirt, you have room to grow as a man. So… let’s fix it!

In this episode of the Dating Transformation podcast, dating coach Connell Barrett shares the No. 1 way to approach women in a confident way that gets GREAT reactions. He also shatters a HUGE myth about approaching, so you can start meeting and dating some wonderful women, and do it with authenticity and integrity. Listen now!



"You should approach women the way you approach life: with authenticity, courage, and empathy for women. Women love courageous, authentic, empathetic men."

-Connell Barrett

"You gotta fully commit, be vulnerable, and always be authentic. Put your real, authentic self out there, and that's the best way to spark and interact."

-Connell Barrett

Featured in the episode

Connell Barrett
Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation


00:36 - Introduction
01:29 - Fearless Approach: Expanding Dating Options
03:18 - Embracing Rejection: Full Commitment in Approaching
09:30 - Positive Encounters: Power of Smiles and Greetings
11:51 - Embrace the Risk: Safe Approaching Strategies
12:38 - Apologies vs. Confidence: The Impact on Approaching
14:40 - From Great Conversations to Bold Actions
16:24 - Authentic Connections: Taking Safe Risks
19:04 - Unleash Your Character: Maximum Fun at Nightclub
21:26 - Quick Connections: Getting Her Number in 10 Minutes
22:35 - Outro

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Related episodes:

How To Flirt With Women


Connell Barrett:


Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I am your host, Connell Barrett. I'm a dating coach. I help guys like you learn to flirt, get dates, and find an amazing girlfriend, all by being radically authentic and putting that real self out there. No pickup artist BS, no alpha male nonsense, just being the best real you because girls like you for you. It's true. Mom was right. And today's topic is about helping you to confidently approach and get really good reactions right off the bat from women. When you approach a woman, you want to get a really good positive initial response. And one of the hardest things to do in dating is to fully approach in a way that gets women responding well. It's very intimidating to walk up to a woman you don't know and start talking to her and feel good about it. Right? If you're like most guys, you don't approach women at all. And if you do occasionally do it or at lee or maybe you do it often, Chances are you will get rejected a lot. You get blown out. Women just lose interest or they make it clear they're not that interested. And that creates anxiety. It creates tension in you, and it just makes you feel like, oh, man, I can't go up to cute girls and just chat. And then if you get stuck in that pattern of not approaching women when you want to, then you lose option options. you feel like, well, I guess I'll just do the dating apps then. And then that can feel very limiting because maybe you're sick of the apps. Maybe you don't wanna only meet women from dating apps, or maybe you're struggling on the apps, And if you're struggling struggling on the apps and struggling with approaching becomes this vicious circle of scarcity and lack of options, and then you're proposing to an inflatable doll. Nobody wants that. So what do we want instead? We want you to be able to go up to women, be authentic, be genuine, and know what to say. know how to flirt, and most importantly, do a really good approach that gets a good reaction.


So today, I wanna give you my I think this is the most powerful and hard-to-teach approaching tip. It's hard to teach it without physically literally doing it with you out in the field, which is what I do with my clients, but I'm gonna try today to I but I can convey it much better here on the podcast than I could in my book because it's it involves how you use your voice and approaching in an in a really powerful way. So let's get to it. Let's talk about how to approach and get great reactions. That's what today is about. How to approach and get great reactions. So let's get to it. Most guys want to approach and get those great reactions, but you walk up and either you get stuck with what to say, and it goes poorly, or you try your best, and a woman you do approach just kinda turns her back to you and or shows she's not that interested, that rejection feels awful. Or if you're like most men, you don't even do it. You do a halfhearted, 25% commitment approach where you say, hey. How's your day? What's up? How are you? And then it doesn't go anywhere. So this creates all the problems I just talked about, gets you in your head, creates more anxiety, and it makes it really tough for you to smash through that. So what you wanna do is instead fully commit to the approach. We gotta fully commit to it. with our voice, our eye contact, our energy, and just bring really good energy to the experience. So I'll give you a tip on how to do that in a second, but let me tell you a story that hopefully illustrates this. So I went out with my client, Taylor, in person a few weeks ago. So what I do here in New York City is my clients and I go out on the town for a whole weekend with me as their wingman. We're literally shoulder to shoulder, approaching women, chatting, having fun, I'm helping him get phone numbers, helping him get dates, telling him what to say. We're approaching women together. guys get phone numbers. They get dates. It's awesome. It's super fun. So I'm out with my client, Taylor, and Taylor is struggling with approaching anxiety. That's why he came to me. It's really hard for him to comfortably and confidently walk up to women. Now he will go up to women, but he's walking on eggshells. when he's doing it or at least he was on this night. So a couple of weeks ago, Taylor and I were at this bar in Manhattan, and these two girls were on the dance floor. or I should say they're in the middle of a bar, and they're dancing in the middle of a bar, sort of turning that part into a mini dance floor.



And I signal to Taylor to go talk to these women. He walks over and gives them a very halfhearted approach. 37% commitment. It's almost like he looks like he's literally walking on eggshells. Like, he's tiptoeing. And he walks over to these women who are having fun, they're dancing, they're in their mid-twenties, one blonde, one brunette, just really cool, cute, normal, mid-twenties, women out of town. And Taylor walks up and he says he approaches like this. Hi. Excuse me? Hey. I don't wanna I don't wanna bother you, but, hey. How's your night going? Having fun? Have you had a good night? and they turn their backs on him. They kinda barely even acknowledge his existence. They don't even talk to him. They just turn their backs on him. And then he comes back to me, tail between his legs, and he says, oh, man. So they rejected me, you know, ugh. What should I say? How do you approach girls on the dance floor? What should I say? What should I say? What are the right words? And The mistake Taylor made, and I told him this, right at the moment, is not the words. Your words don't matter. They almost don't matter when you're approaching a woman. What matters is your energy level, your commitment that you come across as a man who's worthy, good enough to be there, and bringing some fun, positive energy to the experience. So 2 attractive women in their twenties dancing on the dance floor, their fund level is at a 9 out of 10. And then Taylor comes up to them, and his fun level is at a 3 out of 10 at best. He's afraid of rejection. He's not sure what to say, and it affects everything. I contact voice, body language, and language. He was kinda slouching. Was he walking over, tiptoeing? The vocal tonality was high. Excuse me. Hi. So If women are having a 9 out of 10 experience and you bring a 3 out of 10 energy, then you're going to get rejected. blown out. But here's the thing.


They're not saying to Taylor, Taylor, you're not attractive. They're saying, Dude, you gotta bring some better energy to the table because we went out to have fun. And why are you coming up trying to mess up our fun with your tentative walking-on-eggshells energy? So there's really good news here. If this kind of thing ever happened to you, If you did approach a woman, talk to her, try to make something happen, and it just kind of got blown out. You got blown out and rejected. It's not that you're not enough. It's not your ugly. You're too short. You're not getting away. You're not a cool muscular alpha male. That's not the way women are. Basically, what it probably means is you didn't bring the energy, the value, the fun, the good vibes that women wanna feel. And if you're at a 789, enjoyment level and you come up with a 3, 4, 5 energy, you're gonna get rejected. Not because you're not good enough, but because you didn't fully commit. to the approach. So we wanna fully commit. So let's talk about what happened next back to Taylor. a couple of weekends ago. Same night. About half an hour later, we went to a different bar. Taylor was so in his head about what to say that I had a really good fix for him. I pointed over to a couple of women who were standing in the corner chatting, and I said go over there, and here's your opener. He's like, great. What is it? And I said, hi. I'm Taylor, and I don't know what to say to you. He started smiling and laughing. And he said, okay. Fine. I'll do whatever you say, Sensei. and he walks over and said, hi, I'm Taylor. I don't know what to say to you and then one of the girls said, hi, Taylor. blah blah blah, and she was smiling. And I don't even know if she heard the I don't know what to say to you, all she saw or all she felt was a man because he when I gave it when I gave him the quote, good opener, or I was gay I told him to commit to this opener. All of a sudden, he stood taller. He had a smile on his face. He brought in nice energy. In other words, these women were at a 7 or 8 in terms of fun and enjoyment. Maybe a 6, maybe a 6. And all of a sudden, Taylor comes over at a solid 7a half 8. bringing some good energy. Hey. What's up? I'm Taylor. I don't know what to say to you. What's going on? And she barely even heard the I don't know what to say to you. but what she did here was his energy, his vocal tonality, his eye contact, and his eyes were sparkling.



He just said I'm gonna commit to this approach. And 15 minutes later, maybe less than that, he was making out with this girl. He had just met a really pretty, probably cool, awesome, wonderful woman. I didn't meet her, but they were making out. All he did was bring full commitment to that approach. And that's the main tip I wanna share with you today I want you to understand that there is yeah. Here's the real game-changing tip I wanna share. I wanna share with you the paradox of approaching women, safe is risky, and risky is safe. Safe is risky and risky is safe. Here's what I mean by that. When you approach, you have to fully commit. She needs to hear you and see you and really have a high-value, awesome version of you talking to her. If you don't approach me, I'm sorry. If you don't commit to the approach, then you are gonna get rejected. You're gonna approach anxiety is gonna be worse. You're gonna avoid talking to cute girls, and then you're gonna end up moving to Myanmar and becoming a monk and dying a virgin. We don't want that. However, if you approach with commitment and as much confidence as you can muster, then the approaches are gonna go really well. So one of the biggest paradoxes of approaching is that what feels safe is actually risky and what feels risky is actually safe. something I learned from one of my best-approaching mentors back in the day. What feels risky is safe, but what's safe is risky. So you're approaching right if it feels risky. Follow that feeling. Now the paradox is that an approach that feels, quote, risky is actually really safe and smart because full commitment, that's how we get results right, and anything in life. Think, Jack Nicholson committing to a role or Michael Jordan or LeBron committing to driving to that hoop. On the flip side, a quote, safe approach is very risky because it's like a glancing blow. so you risk it failing, which it will most of the time. So when Taylor went over to those first two girls who were dancing, He was asking permission to be there. He was playing it safe. He actually apologized. The first words out of his mouth were oh, I'm sorry to bother you at, but, but but but how is your night? Can I say hi to you? And that it felt safe for him to do that, but, actually, it was very risky. It was very risky. So he basically half-asked it at first. And I learned the hard way that when you're approaching women, you gotta use your entire ass. Fasting won't do it. You gotta use your whole ass. even if you're like me and you don't have one. Gotta use all of what you have so what's safe is risky, and what's risky is safe. So here's what's safe. What's safe is seeing a really cool, beautiful girl. You wanna approach what I call a wow girl and try to think of the perfect opener. You never will, and then she walks away. That's safe. What's risky is saying anything that enters your mind, even if it's just high. or as Taylor did the other night, hey What's up? I don't know what to say to you. I'm Taylor. That was great. That was a great opening because he committed to it. He took a risk and committed to it. And 15 minutes later, he was making out with a really cute girl. safe. What's safe is, opening with a soft, whispery vocal tonality.


Hi. Excuse me. Hi. Excuse me, miss. Hi. Just wanted to say hi. That will creep a girl out. It feels safe to you, but it's actually very risky. What's what feels risky is using a nice clear, loud resident tone that makes her notice you. Make her notice you with your resonant vocal tonality, right, to quote Walt Whitman, sound your barbaric yop. Let her hear you. safe is having maybe your approach actually does open when she's talking to you. What is safe is settling for a great conversation, but not asking for her number. Not going on a date. Risky is going for the date. taking out your phone and saying, hey. what's your number? We should hang out sometime. We should go on a date. The only way to get dates is to ask for dates. So, yeah, safety is risky. Risky is safe. The metaphor that my old coach used to use was flying an airplane. imagine that you may imagine it's your 1st day, as a pilot. you're flying a jetliner but it's your 1st day flying a jetliner. on some level, your brain might say, oh, hey. You know what? Let's play it safe. Let's keep this jetliner nice and low and close to the ground, a few hundred feet off the ground, just in case. But guess what? That's where the buildings are and the mountains that you're gonna smash into. However, if you instead do what feels risky, which is pull back on the throttle, and get that plane up to 20 25, 30000 feet, that feels really risky at the moment. but, actually, it's very safe and smart because up at 30000 feet, there's no mountains. There's no buildings.There's a wide-open blue sky, and that's where you can safely get to a cruising altitude. Similarly, with approaching, you gotta fully commit, and be vulnerable, always be authentic, put that real authentic self out there. And that is the best way to spark and interact So please learn that lesson about what's risky is safe and what's safe is risky. Okay. Let me finish with 3 of the most common approaching problems guys ask me about. And let me give you quick answers, and then we can wrap up. because let's say you finally start getting these approaches committed and start having good conversations, then here are 3 common problems that come up. Number 1.



The question I get a lot is, how can I tell if she's interested? The answer, the telltale sign is that she's attentive, and she's making good eye contact. Now giggling and hair twirling, are nice bonuses, but if she's attentive, That's the best sign. That's the sign that she's interested in you. Don't worry if she's a little quiet at first. She might just be shy. She might just be taking her little time to warm up. another approaching question I get all the time Hey, Connell. How do I approach the nines and tens? I hear that a lot here's my answer. Any number that you label a woman is in your head, not hers. Okay. Those so-called nines and tens, don't strut through life thinking about their numeric worth. They're just people. They're just women. Now that said, model-caliber women or, like, society, attractive women, do hear variations of your hot a lot. Or you're gorgeous, you're pretty. You're beautiful. They do hear that a lot. So a good strategy is to set yourself apart from other men instead of approaching with, hey. You're beautiful. You're hot. open with some open with fun. It's hard to reject fun.It's hard to reject playfulness. It's very easy to reject. Hey, gorgeous. I just saw you. If she's not into it or if she's not in the mood, you'll get rejected. but it's really hard, especially at a bar to approach in a fun, playful way. So come up with ways to come up with things that make you laugh. One of the loves of my life I met at a nightclub, and I still remember the way I approached her. It was with maximum fun. I was at a nightclub, and I saw this woman who I really wanted to meet, and I knew I needed to be different from all the other guys who are probably fawning over her telling her how hot she is, but she, you know, what she was and is. So I was like, no. Let's make it fun. So I unbuttoned my button-down shirt, like, 2 thirds of the way down my chest. I exposed my chest. And I walked up to her, and I said with a very exaggerated sort of Latin lover accent, I said, I am Armando. So I was playing a character. This is a bit of a role-play opener. It's a diff of advanced move that I work with my clients on. And she cracked up. She started laughing. because I wasn't trying to hit on her yet. I was just having fun with her. And she actually called me Armando for the whole rest of the weekend, which we spent together, And we ended up dating and became into a relationship, and it all started with a silly dumb opener, the Armando opener. So find ways to open that are fun and enjoyable for you. If you're having fun with your approach, then she is gonna laugh. She's gonna wanna join your fun party. And one more question. Connell, how do I ask for phone numbers? This is a good one. The answer is don't ask. Assume. So after you've been talking for a few minutes, let's say you approach, you've been talking a few minutes, then take out your phone assuming that she's attracted to you or at least somewhat interested, take out your phone and say, hey. Let's exchange numbers. What's your number? and just assume it. Now even if you're not sure she wants to give you her number, sometimes just being really confident is where the ask will make a woman say, oh, wow. This guy really believes in himself. That's attractive. So she'll give you her number. I like to use the power of the word Hey. Let's exchange numbers. Hey. Let's meet up sometime. What's your number? Hey. Let's go on a date. What's your number? Hey. Let's do numbers. So, yeah, also one other tip at night when out approaching is at night, it's really easy to be into a woman and be clicking and connecting and have it go great and then get separated because, you know, she goes to the dance floor. She goes to the bathroom with her friends. and then you might never see her again. So ask for numbers sooner rather than later. Like, under 10 minutes, go for her, go for her number, and under if you've been talking to a woman for 10 minutes, she's giving you that attention, her focus. Whether or not you've gotten any giant indicators of interest, I don't care about that. 10 minutes or less then take out your phone and say, hey. Let's do numbers. What's yours? That way, if you lose sight first of all, that sends her a message that you're interested which is part of showing that romantic interest. And then, also, if you lose sight of her, you got her number. You can text her and hopefully meet up another time. Alright. That's the end of today's lesson about approaching. Go out there. Do it with commitment. Do it with fun.

Don't walk on eggshells. stand up tall. Look her right in the eye. let her hear your voice and show that the best radically authentic self and good things will happen. Alright. Until next time, and don't forget, women out there, already like you. They just have to meet the real authentic you. See you next time.

Get Transcription
Dating Tranformation with Connell Barrett

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm coach Connell Barrett, and I help men build confidence + connect with women by being their own authentic selves.

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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett

106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001

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