Connell Barrett [00:00:00]:
James and Isabella were all over each other. At one point, she took James’s hands and put them on her chest and said, yes, they’re real. Feel them. So that’s pretty darn good approach. Welcome back to the how to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I’m your host, dating coach, and author, Connell Baritz. I am here to help you know exactly what to say and learn how to flirt and flirt like you mean it, so that you can get an amazing girlfriend and to do it all with authenticity and being the real most confident best you. No pickup artist bullshit needed.
Connell Barrett [00:00:42]:
And today, I want to help you never ever say or do anything creepy. I want you to be able to flirt without being creepy. So today I’m going to share some stories, some insights of some of the creepiest mistakes men can make in the area of trying to flirt with women and give you seven things to say that are attractive, charming, and that women like. So let’s get right to it. I’m going to go through seven insights here for you. Seven little stories. Here’s the first one. I call the first one the Blowjob Blowout.
Connell Barrett [00:01:16]:
I have a friend named Megan, and I once asked her, hey, Megan, what’s the creepiest thing a man ever said to you? And she takes out her phone and shows me her bumble profile. And just earlier that week, a man had written her this. Hey, Megan, you have wet, beautiful full lips, and I wonder what you could do with them. A pretty clear, gross oral sex reference. This was his opener after they matched on bumble. And of course, that’s creepy. And it’s creepy because it’s sexualizing a woman. It’s making her about the sex acts that she can do to him before they’ve even spoken a single word.
Connell Barrett [00:02:01]:
As just two people, there was no human rapport. It was treating her like a sex object. Now, that is super creepy for obvious reasons. And so what do we do instead? Well, clearly you don’t do that, and I know that you wouldn’t do that. Anybody listening to this podcast is not sending openers like that. But. But you might say thing. You might do things like compliment a woman on her smile.
Connell Barrett [00:02:23]:
You might be doing that. I wouldn’t call that creepy, but it’s fairly common. So you don’t want to just say things like, oh, you have a beautiful smile, even that. I wouldn’t call that creepy. But that does make it about her body parts. And we don’t want to make it about a woman’s body parts. We want to open on a dating app and Flirt in a way that complements her as a person. So here’s what you can say instead.
Connell Barrett [00:02:53]:
So I’m actually going to read you a text message that I sent to a beautiful woman named Samantha. She’s a model. According to her profile, she certainly looks like one. She’s very attractive. And I said, hey, Samantha, TGI Monday, you have a very charming smile. And I’m curious, are you as charming in real life as you seem on your bumble? And she wrote back, ha, ha ha, Connell, well, you might have to find out in person if I’m that charming. And then I wrote, well, maybe I should, you know, just for quote, research purposes, had. And then we moved toward the process of.
Connell Barrett [00:03:32]:
Of going on a date. Now, I didn’t go on a date with her. I have a girlfriend. This is just for research purposes for the podcast, but bottom line is, here’s what I want you to be able to to know. If you’re not sure what to say to a woman and you’re not sure how to flirt, then don’t compliment her smile and certainly don’t go anywhere close to anything sexual. Instead, say something like, hey, name. You seem really charming. Or your smile.
Connell Barrett [00:03:59]:
You have a very charming smile. Are you as charming in real life as you seem on your profile? So you’re giving her a clear compliment. And you’re also moving things potentially toward a date. Notice what Samantha wrote back to me. You’ll have to find out in person. She’s basically saying, you should ask me out. That’s a pretty nice response. Okay, let’s go to story number two.
Connell Barrett [00:04:23]:
This one is called the too soon sex talk. And the mistake that men make here is again, this gets to the topic of sex. It’s talking about the subject of sex too quickly. And here is what not to do. The creepy example. So this came to me from a client, a now client at the time. This was on our first consultation call a man, who I will call Jeremy. And I was saying, hey, Jeremy, what’s your flirting style? What’s your move? What do you do? And he says, oh, in the first.
Connell Barrett [00:05:03]:
In the first half hour of a date, I say to her, I can imagine what you’d be like in bed. And then I give her like a. A raised eyebrow. He said, and I said, so how’s that working out for you? And he basically said that 9 out of 10 first dates do not lead to a second date. And he had no idea why. And I said, well, here’s why. Your talking about what sex with her would be like. Way too soon.
Connell Barrett [00:05:33]:
Some women would never want to talk about that at all. Some women are open to talking about that, but not in the first 20, 30 minutes of a date. So here’s what you want to say instead. That this is flirtatious, but it’s appropriate. It’s. It’s clear, and it’s G rated, or at least it’s PG rated. Moving toward pg. What you would do is, if you’re into a woman at some point during the date, maybe not the first half hour, but I would say before it’s over, maybe at the midway point, look her in the eye and tell her that she’s sexy and tell her why.
Connell Barrett [00:06:10]:
And tell her what it is about her that makes her sexy. And don’t make it about her physical appearance alone. Make it a traitor. Tell her something about her that’s sexy. I was once on a first date with a young woman. Oh, gosh, I forget her name. I’ll call her Lana. That’s not her name, but that’s the first name that comes to mind.
Connell Barrett [00:06:35]:
Very pretty young woman, very curvy, very beautiful, very sexy. And I was terrified to tell women that they’re sexy. I thought that was creepy. I thought. I thought it’d be weird or creepy to tell a woman she’s sexy. And so we’re on a first date, and she was talking about how she travels solo. Like, she went to. I want to say she went to Morocco and Italy on a solo trip.
Connell Barrett [00:07:03]:
And I said to her, you know people who do that, people who travel solo, that’s so confident. That’s really sexy. I was trying to walk up to the edge of telling her she’s sexy. And I never forget this, dear listener. She leaned forward, her big brown eyes got really big, and she looked and she leaned toward me, and she started to coach me in real time. This is many, many, many years ago, long before I was a dating coach. And she started to coach me. And she said, so are you saying I’m sexy, Connell? And I said, you? Yeah.
Connell Barrett [00:07:40]:
And she’s like, good. Thank you for saying that. She wanted me to commit to it. She wanted me to just commit to it. And that’s a bonus tip here. It’s not. Don’t just tell a woman she’s sexy. Tell her the reason.
Connell Barrett [00:07:54]:
Make it about equality, her adventurousness, her sense of humor, her wit, whatever it is. And don’t just say people who do that are sexy. Say, you are sexy because of XYZ reason. That’s how you talk about the topic of sexuality on a Date and then read the room. How does she respond to that? Who knows? By the end of the date, you might start talking about fun sex stuff. I was on a date once with a woman named Sam, and by the end of the date, she was asking me, what’s your favorite sex position? Because the topic of sex and sexuality came up. So that is your flirty move. Look that woman in the eye, midway or some.
Connell Barrett [00:08:43]:
Maybe at least an hour, hour and a half into a typical first date, and ask yourself, what do I genuinely find sexy about her? And tell her and commit to it. Women like a man who can look at men generally. Women like a man who can look her in the eye and say, you know what’s really sexy about you? And if that’s a scary phrase for you, then you can downshift to charming. You know what’s really charming about you or, you know what’s absolutely adorable about you? It’s the way you blank. Just don’t make it about her physical appearance, okay? Or at least not only. All right, let’s go to story number three. I like this one. I call this the Slimy Concierge.
Connell Barrett [00:09:26]:
The Slimy Concierge. So one of my clients from man, this is pre pandemic. So this was like, maybe 2017, 2018. I was out with my client James, and we were doing a weekend together. So one of the things I do with men who hire me is we go out for a night or two of approach coaching, where I’m literally helping him approach women day and night in bookstores, in bars, in coffee shops. I am my client’s literal wingman, standing side by side next to them. So James and I were kicking off this wingman weekend together, and we walk into Barnes and Noble, and I say, all right, show me what you got. And he approaches a woman at Barnes and Noble here in Union Square in New York City in the fiction section.
Connell Barrett [00:10:16]:
And he walks over to her. And by the way, James, mid-40s, single dad, mid-40s at the time, single dad, a very successful guy in business and marketing. I forget his exact career, but businessman, very warm, very sincere. A good. A good dude. So he and I had talked for several hours at that point, so I knew him pretty well, or I was beginning to. And then I point to a woman in the fiction section, a pretty, petite blonde who was looking at books, and I said, okay, go approach her. Show me your stuff.
Connell Barrett [00:10:50]:
He walks over, and then he says this. Well, hello, my lady. How might you be this afternoon? I’m curious. What book might you be Searching for today. And he almost bowed his hand. I know you can’t see me unless you’re watching me on. On Spotify video. But his.
Connell Barrett [00:11:14]:
His hands were clasped in front of him. He changed into a completely different person. He wasn’t being James. And 30 seconds later, she made some awkward small talk with him. And she kind of slowly slunk away. She checked her phone and sort of slunk away. And that was very telling, by the way. I’ve had every approaching and flirting problem.
Connell Barrett [00:11:43]:
There is so no judgment from me toward James. I’m not mocking him. I’m here to help guys like him. And I walked over to James and I said, oh, okay. I don’t know who the fuck that guy was, but that is not the guy I’ve been talking to for the last few hours. Who the hell was that? I said he sounded like a concierge out of Four Seasons. You know, you go to, like, a fancy hotel. There’s a.
Connell Barrett [00:12:05]:
There’s a concierge. They supplicate. They talk. Notice this the next time you go to a fancy hotel, if you ever do, or any. Or any hotel. And they’re usually like, well, hello, sir. How is your evening? Are you enjoying our stay with us? That is not real. That’s a veneer.
Connell Barrett [00:12:22]:
That’s a Persona that people. Some people might put on in the service industry. No offense to them, but anyway, he was putting on this Persona that I called the concierge. So I say, okay, don’t talk like a concierge. Don’t talk like the CEO of the Four Seasons. And so why was she so creeped out? Why was that creepy to this woman? Well, there’s actually a psychology behind this. It’s called the slime effect. This is in my book.
Connell Barrett [00:12:52]:
I mentioned this in my book. There’s a 1998 study out from a university in the Netherlands, and researchers found that when somebody puts on a Persona or acts overly likable because they want something, other people instinctively distrust it. And the study described this as licking upward. Licking upward, by the way, licking upward is something my cat does, but that’s unrelated. It’s about trying to ingratiate yourself with someone who you want approval from, and it creates an effect in the other person that’s called the slime effect. It just makes them. You. It makes them feel like you’re being slimy, even though there is nothing slimy about James.
Connell Barrett [00:13:39]:
But when you put on an overly fake, saccharine, fake, nice, false Persona, especially because you’re trying to get something you want, like her phone number or a second date or just a connection, Then you actually push her away. Because no woman wants to be slimed by a guy. I have images of slimer from Ghostbusters now. So here was my mid course correction for James. I said, all right, stop being the concierge. Be yourself, Be authentic. And here’s a way to do that. I said, so we.
Connell Barrett [00:14:23]:
We went out later that. Later that night to a rooftop for some nighttime approaching at a really cool rooftop bar called the Broken Shaker here in New York City. And I said, all right, no more concierge tonight on you to talk to a woman. Talk to women like she’s already your girlfriend. If this woman was already your girlfriend who you approached, how would you talk to her? And this allows you to speak to a woman from a place of assuming she’s going to like you because your girlfriend already likes you, loves you. You don’t need to be somebody you’re not. And that takes away the slime effect. So fast forward to that night.
Connell Barrett [00:14:58]:
A beautiful young woman named Isabella was near us. He, she and James start talking. Here was his opener. Here’s what he said. Because I remember looking at her and him, and I said, okay, that woman right there, if she was already your girlfriend, what would you say to her? He said, I would tell her that that red dress made me say, wow. I’m like, perfect. There’s your opening line. Something honest, something real flirt, like you mean it, right? And he walks over and said, hey, your red dress made me say wow.
Connell Barrett [00:15:33]:
And her eyes lit up. They were, look, I’m not just saying this because it’s my podcast and I’m trying to play this up. They were all over each other. I was actually playing wingman to her brother. Isabella was there with her brother, very cool guy who served in the military. I remember talking to her brother about his service. And over. Over her brother’s shoulder.
Connell Barrett [00:16:00]:
I could see what was happening. Her brother couldn’t. James and Isabella were all over each other. At one point, she took James’s hands and put them on her chest and said, yes, they’re real. Feel them. So that’s pretty darn good approach. Twenty minutes later, she is feeling herself up with his hands. That’s a pretty good approach.
Connell Barrett [00:16:22]:
And it all started with, hey, your red dress made me say wow. So the thing for you to learn here is not there’s nothing magical about that opening line. What makes it magical is that it was truthful. And he approached her and said it as if she was already his girlfriend. And man, they hit it off. So it wasn’t. It wasn’t just about the line. It was about the delivery, the confidence and the realness of it, right? The authenticity, the naturalness of it.
Connell Barrett [00:16:48]:
Hope that all makes sense. Okay, let’s go to story number four, or lesson number four. Here’s lesson number four. Number four is I call this the flirting friend zone. Flatline. I want you to. I want to do a thought experiment with you. Imagine this visual, okay? Imagine an ekg.
Connell Barrett [00:17:10]:
You know what an EKG is, right? It reads a heart’s electric electrical readout, you know? Or an EKG is 80% kind of baseline, right horizontal line, and there are these positive spikes. The heartbeat goes up, and then there are these lower spikes underneath. Let’s call those positive and negative spikes. So imagine an EKG that is actually what a really good, flirty conversation should look like. And here’s what I mean. 80% of your conversation with a woman, whether it’s a date or an approach or texting, it should be that baseline, you being genuine, sincere, authentic. And then about 10 to 20% should be spikes. Spikes either going quote, unquote upward or quote, unquote downward upward, meaning a positive spike, like a compliment.
Connell Barrett [00:18:08]:
You’re gorgeous, you’re amazing, you’re beautiful, you’re sexy, you’re cool. Oh, my God, I love that you’re into that. So am I. Those are called positive spikes. And then there’s negative spikes, which would be things like a tease, teasing her for being a dork or saying, oh, my God, you were really doing well with me until you said that. Now I think we’re just gonna have to be friends, pushing her away. Or a plate. Let’s call that playful teasing.
Connell Barrett [00:18:34]:
Not negs, by the way, playful teasing. So those are negative spikes. So there is a really nice visual that some of my clients really love. It’s like, okay, just be that ekg. Now, here’s what not to be. Here’s what’s creepy to women. What’s creepy to women is if imagine an EKG where it’s all positive spikes and lots of them, like, oh, my God, you’re gorgeous, you’re amazing, you’re incredible, you’re stunning. But it’s like non stop.
Connell Barrett [00:19:04]:
That is fawning. That’s not flirting, that’s fawning and approval seeking. That’s essentially a turn off to women. That comes off as creepy and maybe even slimy because it’s just like, oh, my God, this guy’s just trying to say what I want to hear. I had A first date once. Oh, man, this is so long ago. Like Bush. Bush 2 was president.
Connell Barrett [00:19:27]:
The story is so old. But I had a first date years ago with a woman I was absolutely enthralled by. Her name is Georgia. And I was so, so into her. I had no dating options to speak of. And this was a beautiful woman who agreed to a first date with me. And I just fawned over her all night. I must have just.
Connell Barrett [00:19:46]:
I said, oh, my God, your eyes. You’re so smart. You’re so funny. You’re the coolest person at work. I was just all positive upward spikes. She had no interest in me for a second date, started dating a coworker that was fun to watch happen, rejected me and started dating this other guy. So we don’t want that. That’s creepy to women or at least off putting.
Connell Barrett [00:20:10]:
And the other thing that is all positive upward spikes is if you, if you’re, if you’ve taken in too much quote content, if you’ve watched too many YouTube videos, too many podcasts, too many tiktoks about all these dating moves where you do so much, you do so much gamey stuff that you forget to just be yourself. And that’s off putting as well. That would be all positive, I should say positive spikes. We don’t want that. What does a friend zone date look like? Imagine a flat line. Friend zone is just, how’s your day? Where are you from? That’s nice. No flirting, no positive or negative spikes. And that’s not creepy, that’s just boring.
Connell Barrett [00:20:55]:
And that’s friend zone city right there. So, yeah, biggest game changer for me when I was struggling with this stuff back many, many years ago was to understand this idea that, okay, my first date started to go a lot better when I just said, okay, I’m going to be 80% Connell. I’m sorry, let me rephrase. 80% sincere, 80% normal me, and then 10 to 20% cheeky joke here. I’m. I’m a naturally cocky cheeky guy. I love the bus balls and teas. And when I started letting those negative spikes come out a little bit on my dates, I saw women respond to me so much better.
Connell Barrett [00:21:41]:
I remember a first date I had with a woman named Katie who became like my summer girlfriend that summer. And I teased her a couple times, and I had been friend zoned so many times that that year. And then I said, you know what? It’s time to really just be a little bit of a smart ass, because that’s my authentic self. And I teased her quite a bit on a date, probably more than I should have, but it worked. And I remember it was the first time a woman ever basically said, I want you to kiss me good night, like she was asking me to kiss her. That was a powerful moment. So imagine this vision, the visual. If you want a visual of this, then just think, okay, you want a first date, think an EKG, 80% baseline.
Connell Barrett [00:22:25]:
You, sincere, authentic, normal. And then 10 to 20% of those little spikes should be either spike up, compliment. Oh my God, you’re so cute. You’re so smart. I like this about you. And then occasionally maybe a little negative fun, little playful tease. Women often like that. Not all, but many do.
Connell Barrett [00:22:45]:
Or you can even combine them. A fancy little old school pickup artist move that I still like called the push pull. The push pull is when you combine a positive and a negative spike together. It’s kind of like a. It’s like Reese’s cup of flirting. It’s two great tastes that taste great together. Here’s what I mean by push pull. On my first, first or second date with my now girlfriend Jess, I said to her, you’re either the coolest woman I’ve met in a while or the weirdest.
Connell Barrett [00:23:18]:
I’m just not sure which. Cool, positive spike, weird, negative spike. The jury is out. She loved that. She later told me, so give that a try if you want. Okay. By the way, let me take a brief pause here to just let you know that if you want my personalized help or if you’re just want to find out how dating coaching works. If you struggle with flirting, what to say if you don’t, if you want a great girlfriend but just don’t know what to do, then go to my website.
Connell Barrett [00:23:48]:
You can go to datingtransformation.com you can book a free call with my team and you’ll get on the phone with either myself or somebody from my team and I, we can explain to you how my coaching works. So this is only if you’re interested in coaching. It’s not like a free coaching session with me. But if you want to understand how my paid coaching works, I do a free consultation with anybody who wants to. So go to datingtransformation.com if you would like to know more. Okay, let’s go to the fifth story I want to tell you about Barry. Barry the needy texter. So here’s what he did.
Connell Barrett [00:24:24]:
So Barry had a first date with a woman and he had a really good first date with a woman named Rachel. It went really well. And this is an example of a creepy texting. They had a good date, she had a good time. And as far as he knows. And I want to read to you. This is actually, I’m going to read from my book, a dramatic reading from Dating sucks, but you don’t. So this is how not to text women.
Connell Barrett [00:24:52]:
Okay, here’s the creepy thing. Barry did. Barry. At 12:03am after the on a Monday night, he texted, rachel, I’m home. Hope you had as good of a time as I did and that we can go out again soon. Nothing wrong with that, by the way. That was nice. I like that.
Connell Barrett [00:25:08]:
Letting a woman know you had fun. Great. Rachel wrote back. One minute later, 12:04am on a Monday. I did have a great time. Exclamation point. I hope we do smiley face. That is a.
Connell Barrett [00:25:20]:
That is a woman who’s interested. Okay, 12:04am in other words, literally less than 60 seconds later, he wrote, I’m looking forward to it. Exclamation point. Fine, then he should have stopped. But he continues. When is the next day? You don’t have to get up early for anything. Okay. No answer to that.
Connell Barrett [00:25:43]:
And you know she read it because he literally sent it 30 seconds later. The next morning. Oh, I’m sorry. The next evening, 9:07pm Monday night. Barry. Hey, Rachel, how was your day? No response. Tuesday morning, 10:20am Barry, come hang out with me. I’m not laughing, I’m not mocking.
Connell Barrett [00:26:05]:
I’m just laughing from familiarity. Five hours later 3:46 Tuesday. Barry, did you drop the class or just give up on coming? So they were both in the same class, Some college class. And she didn’t show up that day. Hmm. I wonder why. The next day, Wednesday Barry, good morning. The next day.
Connell Barrett [00:26:28]:
Hey, where have you been? What have you been up to? And this continues. And finally he gave up because seven or eight unanswered messages, he took the point. So Barry’s big mistake was that he was only asking for what he wanted. He didn’t give value. Every single text message falls into one of two categories. Either you’re giving value. In other words, giving her something that makes her feel good. You’re.
Connell Barrett [00:26:58]:
You’re seeking to make her smile, or you’re trying to take what you want from her. By the way, there’s nothing wrong with asking a woman out on a date. We have to do that as men, of course. But he. Our text messaging. My text message framework, I call it give, give, give, ask. Most of your text messages should be giving. And Barry’s were Mostly asking.
Connell Barrett [00:27:21]:
Okay, he was not giving, he was asking. So in terms of what he could have or should have said the next day, instead of asking her, hey, how are you? How’s your day? When are we going out again? Which is him asking for what he wants, he could have given her something. He could have written, and he and I weren’t working together at the time he wrote this, so he didn’t know any better. That’s how we learn, right? But what he could have written or said the next day was something like, you know, he could do something cheeky. He could write, hey, kitty. Sorry, my cat’s making a little podcast cameo appearance. Hey, sweetie. Hey, little ginger kitty.
Connell Barrett [00:28:05]:
Hi. Daddy’s recording a podcast. He could have written, hey, Rachel, I just wanted you to know that you had a good time last night and you want to see me again. Little, cheeky, little something like, kind of a little cocky thing. He could have asked her a good question. There’s nothing wrong with asking a question as long as the question is about something that she cares about. So. So let’s say that I don’t know.
Connell Barrett [00:28:32]:
I don’t know Rachel at all. But let’s say Rachel had a big test on Monday. He might have said, hey, how did you feel you did on the test? Did you ace it? Or are you going to summer school? You know, something humorous, something light and playful. Bottom line is you want to give value through the lens of jokes, teasing, oh, calling back to the date. A really good way to give value by text is you call back to something fun or funny that happened on a date. That’s a great way to text the next day, do a callback. I once had a sushi date at a fancy New York City restaurant called Nobu. And my date, Jennifer, she kept dropping sushi.
Connell Barrett [00:29:21]:
And when you drop sushi at Nobu, it’s like $20 a piece. It’s really expensive. And she dropped one or two pieces of sushi, and I was teasing her about it on the date, but then the next day, I was saying, hey, by the way, you dropped a lot of sushi last night, and I had to declare bankruptcy because of you. I think I said something like that. I might have written. So did you. Did you drop your. Did you drop your spoon today in your cereal this morning? Because I know you struggle with utensils, so I’m a teasing, joking kind of person.
Connell Barrett [00:29:58]:
But bottom line is what to say to texting. The secret to texting is mostly it should be giving. Giving value, trying to make her happy or not. Happy, but trying to make her smile. Okay. That’s what Barry didn’t know until we worked together. Okay, let’s go to. Oh man, this is going to be great.
Connell Barrett [00:30:17]:
Let’s go to story number six. Insight number six. I call this the desperate love poem. The desperate Love Poem. So I had a client, one of my very first clients when I first became a coach, way, way back in the mid teens. His name is Keith. And Keith did something that again, good intention but. And there’s nothing creepy about Keith, but he, he did this creepy thing.
Connell Barrett [00:30:49]:
He had a two dates, as I recall. You had two dates with a woman, I think. Oh, her name is Ashley. I know it is. And he was really into her after only two dates because he just didn’t have any other dating options. And so he wrote her a poem. He wrote her a long love poem, 119 words. Going to read it to you right now because he sent it to me.
Connell Barrett [00:31:15]:
So here is the love poem he sent to Ashley after two nice dates. I don’t even know if they kissed yet. I think they might have kissed a little bit on the second date. Here’s a dramatic love poem reading. This is what Keith texted to Ashley. Ashley, I’ve been thinking about you a lot today. Probably more than I should, but I wanted to say I keep picturing us in a rowboat out on a lake, just talking and laughing and whatever snacks I’d make. I’m not good at rowing.
Connell Barrett [00:31:46]:
We’d probably go the wrong way, but I think I’d be happy just spending that day. We could talk about stuff or just sit there and float. And I’d feel really lucky just being there in that boat. I’ve never met someone who makes me feel like this before. And I just keep thinking about you more and more. Life just seems better when I picture you as mine. Ashley, I’m just going to say it. I think you’re the one for all time.
Connell Barrett [00:32:16]:
My heart breaks when I say this. He sent that to her and she never responded again. Why did this happen? Well, God love him. God love any guy who’s really feeling the feels for a woman. He just came off as way, way too needy. When you put that much time and effort into a love poem after just one or two dates, then that gives off a signal that says to women, this guy’s got no other options and he’s way too into me, way too soon. And that conveys desperation, which is frankly where he was at the time. That’s why he started working with me, because he was feeling Desperate.
Connell Barrett [00:32:54]:
And I’ve been there too. I. I did. I never sent a love poem like this, but I did plenty of desperate things. And my cat’s trying to get into my lap. Come on, buddy. Do you want to get in my lap? Come on, Reggie. Okay, so there’s nothing inherently wrong with a poem, but two dates in to basically tell the woman, a woman that she’s might be the one that says to a woman, this guy doesn’t have options.
Connell Barrett [00:33:26]:
So what do you do instead? Here. Well, here’s what you can’t. By the way, I am cool with a poem. I’m fine with that. But what he sent was too much, too soon. It created emotional pressure for her. He, quote unquote, invested way too much. Basically made her feel like you’re the one.
Connell Barrett [00:33:47]:
And that conveyed. Because a woman wants to feel like you have options, but you’re choosing to be with her because she meets your high standards. When you put. Put out so much like that so soon, it’s, It’s. It conveys the opposite. Okay, here’s a flirty alternative. Here’s what you could say. Or here’s what Keith could have said.
Connell Barrett [00:34:06]:
Nothing wrong with the poem. We just want to make it light and playful. You know, he could have written, roses are red, violets are blue. I suck at poetry. Do you want to have another date maybe sometime next week? I’ve actually sent poems similar to that after a first or second date. So there’s something kind of cutesy and flirty about a nice little playful poem, but not a long love poem. Right. Playful, self aware, low pressure, but also still romantic.
Connell Barrett [00:34:41]:
So I’m not against poetry. There’s my kitty. Hey, sweetie. I’m against making a woman feel any kind of emotional pressure and conveying anything that smacks of desperation. If you hear purring, it’s my cat. Or is it me? Anyway, bottom line is lightness beats intensity. So fast forward. Keith and I worked together.
Connell Barrett [00:35:06]:
He did amazing. He was meeting women on the beach. As I recall, he lived on a coastal town on the east coast, so he loved to go on the beach and approach women. That and fast forward about a year later. Fast forward about a year later, and I got a photo from Keith of his new baby. He had already connected with a woman and had his baby mama and had a new baby. A photo that he sent me. So anyway, he found the one.
Connell Barrett [00:35:39]:
Okay, let’s go. We have one more story for you. See, should I end this episode? Here’s a good one. Let’s go. Let’s go with Number seven or lesson number seven. Lesson number seven is creepy move. Number seven, you might call it, is saying nothing. Basically playing things too safe.
Connell Barrett [00:36:03]:
Here’s what I mean by that. Something that is off putting to a woman is when a guy shows interest, but he doesn’t tell her that he likes her, he plays it cool, he plays it mysterious. He thinks that he’s going to come off as, I don’t know, creepy or desperate if he says what he wants. So basically he hides his true intent. And that is it’s at worst creepy. At best, it’s just confusing to women. So imagine a guy on a date and he likes her, but he doesn’t tell her. He doesn’t tell her, just says nothing.
Connell Barrett [00:36:48]:
And so the problem this creates is a sense of incongruity. My cat is absolutely attacking me in the cutest way. Hold on baby, let me put you down here. Okay, I’ll be right there. Daddy’s making a podcast. Okay. Reggie is very pushy. If Reggie could write 119 word love poem to me right now, I think he would, except it would just be him asking for catnip and snacks.
Connell Barrett [00:37:16]:
So what? What can feel creepy to a woman is a guy who hides his interest, hides his attraction, and so he doesn’t let her know. A woman can sense that there’s something off and emotionally unclear. And so this ties to my very first rule of flirting. My very first rule of flirting, what I call man to woman communication for a single straight man is clarity. Letting a woman know what you’re thinking and feeling. As long as it’s G rated, as long as it’s not, you know, vulgar. Right? So here’s what you can say. Here’s so here’s a mistake that some men make and you might be making, which is not speaking your deepest, truest thoughts or at least telling the truth.
Connell Barrett [00:38:05]:
Right? Trying to play it cool. Once upon a time in dating, maybe in the pre Tinder era, playing quote unquote hard to get, being mysterious, maybe that worked. I imagine it probably has worked for some guys. It certainly never worked for me. And I think in the post online dating world and a post Tinder world where women, especially conventionally attractive dateable women, they have so many options that if you hide your interest, she loses interest. And we don’t want that to happen. So here’s my number one rule for flirting is be clear. What you’re thinking and feeling is what you’re saying and doing.
Connell Barrett [00:38:45]:
I tell that to almost all my clients who want to get better at flirting. So on your next first date, ask yourself, what is the deepest, truest thing I’m thinking and feeling about this woman? Assuming you like her and tell her. It could be as simple as, hey, I like you. Let’s go on another date. There’s something powerful about clarity, vulnerability. It’s not desperate to let a woman know you like her. It’s desperate to send her a 119 word love poem. Or at least it feels that way.
Connell Barrett [00:39:18]:
But women can feel somebody who is hiding their true intentions. That does feel, for lack of a better term, creepy. Or at best, confusing. So if you like a woman, ask her out for that second date. Here’s a counterintuitive tip. A lot of guys ask me, Connell, when should I ask her out for the second date? How many days should I wait? Don’t wait any days. Ask her out for the second date while you’re still on the first date. Choose a moment during the first date where things are going well, you made her laugh.
Connell Barrett [00:39:52]:
Maybe you had that first kiss and then you say, let’s do this again. I want to take you out and do XYZ thing for our second date. The iron is always hottest, right? When you meet a woman on the date, the longer you wait, the cooler the iron gets. So that is what I would suggest. I remember my first date with a woman who became my girlfriend for a short time now. She’s a good friend of mine, Brooke. But I remember I asked Brooke out for our third. For our second date on our first date.
Connell Barrett [00:40:28]:
And she said she kind of like dropped her jaw and said, thank you. I love that. You just tell me what you think. I would love to see you for a second date. I hate it when guys play those games. I thought that was a really telling moment from. From Brooke. Okay, so anyway, those are the seven.
Connell Barrett [00:40:46]:
Seven ways to flirt without being creepy. Actually, I think we hit more than seven. If you like this episode or if you like this podcast, do me a favor. Go leave me a review somewhere. Leave me a 119 word love poem review on Apple or Spotify or. Or if anything else, or if just. Or just hit five stars, that would be amazing. And of course you can go to datingtransformation.com if you ever want to book a call to talk about your dating life.
Connell Barrett [00:41:15]:
All right, My cat Reggie, who is sitting on my lap, and I are gonna peace out now. Have a great rest of your day. And until next episode, Sam.
