Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the Dating Transformation podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain self-confidence, and attract an incredible girlfriend, all by being radically authentic. No creepy, pickup artist moves needed, no BS, and always dating with total respect for women. Because Fact is women want to meet the real you. And I think you're gonna like this episode because I'm about to count down what I think are the top Five biggest myths for men in dating, and then also the tips and the truth about each myth. And then I'm gonna give you a practical tip you can use right away for each myth. So that's what we're gonna get to. Because the bottom line is, if you're like a lot of guys, you get so much information. you hear so many things like, oh, you've gotta be an alpha male, or you have to Be really good looking, really tall to attract the kind of girlfriend you want, a real wonderful quality, attractive woman inside and out. And those myths are holding you back. Those myths hurt your mindset. They hurt your confidence. They make it harder to take action. So let's get to it. Let's talk about the five biggest myths in dating for men, and the truth beneath the lies, and then I'll give you a tip that you can put to use today if you want this week right away.

And let me start with a story. I'm gonna tell you a quick story about an event that happened with me, out with one of my clients. So here's a story. So I was out one night in LA. So what do I do with my clients? I am a wingman. So I go out with guys in person, and, basically, I have women approach me to help men approach women. And I was out once in LA in West Hollywood with my client who I'll call Jason. And I remember this night, really vividly.

We're on this rooftop bar called EPLP in Hollywood. And I say, I point to two women. And I say, hey. start by approaching those  ladies. Go. Show me what you can do. And What I like to do when I go out with a client is first, I have him go up to women, and I watch and observe because I want to check out his, quote, and unquote skill set. Right? I wanna know how he talks to women.

Does his vocal tone project confidence or fear? Does he make eye contact, or does he stare at his shoelaces? Does he stand tall, or does he slouch? So I'm looking for a behavioral blind spot. that might be hurting his chances for romantic success. So I was with Jason, and Jason walked over to two women. By the way, Jason's a very cool high status job in Hollywood. He is a plastic surgeon, I think, is the title. So, anyway, Jason walks over to two women, one brunette, and one redhead, who are both drinking dirty martinis. He walks up to them, and he says, hi. And he then hands him his black and gold business card, and he said, I'm a plastic surgeon for celebrities. And the women were confused at first. They were probably thinking, was he looking for new clients? And the red had actually subconsciously covered her nose when he said that, thinking that, oh my gosh. Do I need a plastic surgeon? And then they realized something, that Jason giving them his business card was his attempt at a pickup line. and they actually looked at each other and laughed more at him than with him, sadly. And after a couple minutes, conversation, The brunette said to Jason, hey. Nice meeting you, which is code four, not a chance, dude, and then they left. So his repo approach was rejected.

And so I took Jason aside, and I said, here's why that happened. Here's why they blew you off. I said, " you were trying to impress them and that turned them off, I said. And I continued when you try too hard to impress a woman, it has the opposite effect. It comes across as overcompensating, and it basically tells her that you're not at her level, that you're beneath her. and no woman wants to date a man who she feels is beneath him. And So, basically, I recognized that Jason had his head up his assets. And what happened is he was buying into this myth. This myth that women are mainly only into money.

So he thought the road to a woman's heart was traveled in the Lamborghini. And in reality, having cash, having a cool job, totally a nice bonus in the eyes of women, if you have those things, but it is not an Ignite connection and attraction. And the idea that women only wanna date rich guys is one of several myths that we're gonna talk about today, the top five. And there are other big ones. Right? Like, thinking that looks in height are the end all be all with women, thinking that approaching is wrong, thinking after you're really tall. So when you buy into some of these dating myths, it can hurt you in a couple of key ways. First, it can compel you to make the wrong move. just make the wrong technical move, like Jason handling his business card off.

And it also just disempowers you And it makes you walk through the world of your dating life anyway, feeling like, oh, I'm not enough. I have to be different from who I am. And so what I wanna do on today's podcast is let's take a sledgehammer to these top five debilitating myths. And here they are, and I'll also give you five ways to fix them and give you some practical actions you can take. So myth number one is that your looks matter, that your looks are essential. Good looks are essential to finding a great girlfriend and having dating success. That's a myth. And the truth is your looks are way overrated.

And, hey, don't get me wrong. If you have chiseled Hem's worth and features, good for good for you, man. But take it from a guy who's dated some beautiful women despite resembling a Weasley brother. Your looks don't matter all that much, unless you make them matter. Now if you stop and think about it, there's a line from an old Joe Jackson song, an old Joe Jackson song called Is she really going out with him? And You've probably seen you've probably noticed some head turning women out in the world, and you've caught yourself and seen her with guys who are not that great looking or just average looking. And you probably stopped and said, man, why is she going, why is she going out with him? So that's an example of there being evidence that this myth is indeed a myth. There are very high profile examples of this too. from Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe, Lyle Lovett, dating Julia Roberts, not a good looking guy, Pete Davidson, and every beautiful woman he's dated, which is about half of Hollywood.

These are all examples of how you do not have to be great looking. to get a great, beautiful, awesome girlfriend, and take it from me because I used to buy into this whole looks matter myth as well. Which is partially why I got married way back way back in my late twenties. I got married to a woman. I wasn't into it. I didn't wanna marry, and I wasn't in love with. And the truth is I wanted to be single and date around, but I felt I just wasn't enough to do that, not good looking enough. So I settled, and then she dumped me nine weeks later because she didn't wanna be with me either.

And so That is what can happen when you get sucked into that idea of this myth of looks being everything to women. And as men, we get hung up on the Smith for a couple reasons. First, it's societal conditioning. Now we're just told by the world that good looks are paramount in dating. You know, movies, advertisements, And also I think that as men, we are fairly visual people. Straight men are pretty visual. And we tend to value physical beauty in women, much more than women value that in us. Men are very visual.

and we love a pretty face. We love an attractive figure. And so what happens is we can project our view of the world onto women and assume that women see men the same way. And then there's also the ego factor. Right? Nothing can puff out a guy's chest like hearing you know, an envious friend say to you, dude, your girlfriend's so hot or, woah, you're dating her, and that has a lot of value to us as men. But, again, men prioritize looks in a much higher place in dating than women do. And don't get me wrong again, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying looks are meaningless to women.

I'm just saying they don't value it nearly as much. And, sure, I think the typical woman would probably be happy to have a really handsome guy in her life. Sure. But let's just say that looks are way down on her must list, like, way way down. In fact, if you wanna do a little additional research, a very empowering poll you can check out is a poll done by the HealthApp clue, and the HealthApp clue talked to 64,000 women. and asked women what trait they want the most in a male partner, and physical attractiveness did not even crack the top 10. Number 1, by the way, was kindness, which I love. I love that.

Kindness is number one. Also intelligence, financial security. Not rich guys, but financial security is on the list. Confidence is number five. but looks were nowhere in the top ten. It's such a big myth that women only want guys with great looks. So what is your move? What can you do with this? new found insight that I hope you see as an insight. And your move is to play to your strengths.

What I mean is Focusing on what you think you lack will only hurt your confidence, so play to your strengths. If you're not a classically great looking guy, like, I am not, then play to your strengths. Maybe it's your intelligence, your wit, your sense of humor, your listening skills, your storytelling, Maybe you're just having fun. Maybe you're a little bit of a cheeky person and have a cheeky sense of humor. Yeah. Maybe it's your flirting skills. If you're listening to this podcast where you read my book, then you're getting better at flirting, which is something women absolutely value. a guy who knows how to flirt and make her feel sexy and connected to you.

So yeah. So and and by the way, a sense of humor used using your sense of humor in a flirtatious way is really powerful. Bottom line is She'll find you as sexy as Brad Pitt even if you look like Brad Garrett if you know how to flirt with humor. So, yeah, keep that in mind. Looks or not that important. I'll end with a quick client success story. I had a client way back in the day named Jeremy, and Jeremy was not a good looking guy as he admitted to me. I remember when we first spoke, he said he looked like a quote, John C.

Riley's uglier brother. And so he had a really good sense of humor about his lack of good looks. And Jeremy, by the time we were done working together, but it's okay. So he didn't have looks to offer women. But what Jeremy had was courage, cojones, basically, and also a really good sense of humor. So he uses courage and a sense of humor to approach some really cool, attractive, wonderful women. And I remember one day he sent me this email, and he told me about having met a beautiful professional cheerleader. at a salad bar.

And he had her laughing and loving him and got her phone number from a professional cheerleader. This from a guy who looks like, quote, John C Riley's, uglier brother. So keep in mind that looks only matter if you let them. Okay. The next myth is, number two, is the myth that women want rich guys. Women only wanna date rich guys. The truth is women want men with purpose. So let me dig into this a little bit more.

So back to Jason. the business card wielding guy that I started talking about at the beginning. On that same night on the rooftop in Hollywood, he met a really cool, well dressed, stylish, attractive, successful woman, an entertainment attorney. in LA. And instead of and when he and I made some course corrections that night, when I go out with clients, we approach women, And then I give them some real time feedback and some course corrections. So we made this course correction. And rather than boasting to her about his high paying job, which I do not recommend. Instead, he started talking about his passion for his career as a plastic surgeon.

So instead of bragging about his cool car and money, he shared with her how fulfilling it is. when he gets to, for example, do surgery on a patient and totally form their self confidence by giving them a new nose. Or I know he's done work with grafting healthy skin. onto a burn victim's neck. So incredible. And he opened up to this woman all about his passion for helping people. And that just absolutely melted her, and they totally hit it off. And, basically, What he did was he led with his heart.

He led with, again, authenticity the bottom line is the true authentic Jason was not some Braggadocious guy. The true authentic Jason was a man who just loved helping people. I loved helping reshape a nose or help burn victims feel more confident, and that was the real hymn. And he showed that to this woman, and they totally hit it. So we had a very successful night after we made those course corrections. So what's your move here? Your move is to express Don't impress, express. because I don't care if you're as rich as Scrooge McDuck. Boasting about your financial status will hurt you. won't help you when it comes to women.

They want a guy who's they want a man of substance, not a man who flashes his fancy creds and business card. So express. Don't be impressed. Convey. Talk about the things that are important to you with passion. Talk about the work you've done that's brought you success if you have financial success. But talk about the work and the passion for it, not the dollar signs. Share with women what you love most about your career.

Why do you love it? how it makes you feel, who it lets you help, women are addicted to passionate people. Actually, all of us are. It's not about that. It's not about women. But women just love a guy who's really passionate about what he does. So, by the way, if you're not a well-to-do guy, if you're not rich, no sweat. women are drawn to men of passion and purpose. So become a passionate millionaire talk about your career ambition. What excites you about your job. because the bottom line is that passion and purpose are cooler than the fastest sports car. Okay. Myth number three, we want to smash into little pieces. Myth number three, short guys, struggle with dating. In other words, women only wanna date tall guys. Short guys struggle.

That is a myth. The truth is women like guys of all shapes and sizes as long as he shows that masculine authentic value. Let me dig into this a little bit deeper. So dating when it comes down to it, dating is about connection, and it's about showing a woman how you can bring value to her romantic life, how you can help her romantically to thrive and survive as a person, as a woman. And if you could do that, then you can have great options, lots of great romantic options, and get a great girlfriend. And you can do it whether you're six foot four, or four foot six. whether you're NBA player tall, or whether you're fun size. Now, Women and here I can't. I can't state this enough, so I'll say it, just so simply. Women don't necessarily want tall guys.

It's a nice bonus. Most women will not be against a tall guy, but they want guys. It's not that they want tall guys. The truth is women want guys who just aren't shorter than them. Now there are plenty of exceptions to that rule, by the way. But It's not what women want, oh, he's gotta be 6 2. Women want, typically, they just want a guy who's at least not shorter than her, a little bit taller. So the average American woman, by the way, is 5 foot 4. So if you are five foot 4 or taller, you've got plenty of options.

And, yes, you can also attract girls who are taller than you as well. Because for a woman, it's not about height. It's about how a guy's height makes her feel. Namely feminine, smaller, safe. And a shorter man can give her those same feelings by, in lots of ways. If you're a shorter guy, you can add muscle at the gym. You can carry yourself with confidence. You can use your voice in a dominant, but heart centered way.

Get really good at flirting. You can make a woman feel safe, sexy, in the care of a high value man in lots of ways. And if you can do that, height just doesn't matter. k? So what's your move here? If you are not a tall guy or at least if you're well under six foot, then your move is to feature what you can't fix. Now, in business, there's a marketing concept that basically goes where you can't fix your features. So by highlighting a product's weakness, you can turn into a strength. So for example, in golf, a nine hole course isn't a lesser course. It's not half a course.

It's a quote executive track. They rebrand it as a strength. a car, if a car is really expensive, it's not expensive. In the marketer's eyes, it's quite a luxury automobile. And with dating, if you're shorter than average, then don't don't allow yourself to feel insecure about that, joke about it, turn it into something you lean into, a signifier of confidence, crack jokes about it. I want a quick story. I once went out for the night, way back in the day when I was out approaching lots of women and getting coaching myself. I went out for the night, and I found myself wingmanning with a really cool guy.

And he was about 5, 4, I'll call him Darren, and Darren was phenomenal with women even though he was 54, maybe 55 at the most. What made Darren so great? He brought charisma. He had a lot of charisma and a great sense of humor, and he was not afraid to joke. He gave zero shits about his height. And not only did he not care about his height, with several of the girls he met, He actually led with it. Like, he told one woman he I remember him cracking a joke where he told one woman, hey. When we get married, I cannot wait to be on our wedding cake. I remember she laughed so hard.

She spilt her drink out. And he's yeah. I think he had another he had another joke something like talk telling telling a taller woman I promise, I'm never gonna look down on you. So now don't get me wrong. Women gave him some, quote, unquote, shit tests. but he passed them and showed that, actually, he's not 54. Inside, he's 66. So feature what you can't fix, that it tells people that you're secure in who you are, and that kind of security, that kind of confidence is sexy to women of all heights.

Okay. Let's go with myth number four. We're gonna break here today. Myth number four about dating is that women like bad boys, Not nice guys. Women like bad boys, not nice guys. That's a myth. The truth is that Nice guys are sexier than six pack abs to women, as long as that man has a backbone. He's got some steel inside of him.

Okay? But, yeah, nice guys are sexier than six pack abs. And here's where society has kinda, well, probably gotten us all in our head. You know, women do like the bad boy, at least in pop culture in society. Right? Russell Brand was big for a while. He had that cheeky, naughty, British humor vibe. Jason Statham, Hans Solo, there's something to be said for a bad boy being attractive. And true. The truth is, yeah, bad boys, quite unquote, can get girls giggling, get them twirling their hair, get them giving out their numbers.

And you might be thinking that, oh, well, the odds of a woman's swooning over me, a nice guy, an introvert, a regular guy, very slim, right? Well, that's wrong. Happy to say that that's a myth. Truth is, you can totally steal a little bad boy mojo while still being the nice cool guy you are. And without getting stuck in the friend zone, as well. And I know this from experience, not just from the hundreds of nice guy clients I've helped get girlfriends and and dates and flirt with like amazing men. I also know this from my own personal experience, so I don't know how much you know about me. But I'm a nice guy. I grew up in Ohio.

the nice nice Ohio town raised by nice Ohio parents, Danny and Greta. And I'm a nice dude. I volunteer at a blind residence. I say, please, and thank you. Very polite to service staff. I literally help Sometimes, I literally help with low ladies across the street. By the way, I'm not bragging. I'm not saying this to impress you.

I'm actually just trying to impress upon you that you can be a nice guy, and also still be great with women. And the bottom line is women are dying to date nice guys, So here's a little here's a little data for you. I love doing a little research. I like scientific polls. Glamor magazine did a poll a while back, and Single women chose nice guys, quite unquote, loyal and lovable men, sent basically nice guys, as the category of men they most want to date. That was the number one category of guy that glamor, magazine, women, poll respondents wanted to date, 33%. You know who finished second to last at 6%, bad boys. So 33% of women want nice guys, 6% of them want bad boys.

And I also know this from experience is that playing the cocky bad boy with women just does not work for most men. I don't know. Maybe if you're actually a cocky bad boy kind of guy, maybe that's congruent and, quote, unquote, authentic. I wouldn't know that. But I do know that I went out once for a whole month . One coach of mine on his orders said, go out for a month. Be a jerk. be a bad boy, and women are gonna go for you. And I tried it for, like, ten days.

It felt awful. I felt like I was wearing a suit, somebody else's suit, and it did not work. Women looked at me like I was an alien. And then there was one night, a different night, when I was talking to a beautiful woman, a Maxim model, I'll call her Julie. glossy haired maxim model. This was in Miami. And I met Julie, and I was talking to her, and she is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. And we got the talking and she said something that stuck with me. And she was basically complaining about all these narcissistic guys. And this is a girl who's been on the cover of Maxim. Okay? And she was talking about all these narcissistic jerks who she meets. I think she was in LA. time where she lived. And she said something that still resonates with me. She said, I'm so sick of arrogant men.

And then she said, Nice guys. I'd love to meet a nice guy, but they never approach me. And it's too bad because I would love to date a nice guy. Nice guys are sexier than six pack abs, and then she added as long as they have a backbone. Did you catch that? Nice guys are sexier than six pack abs to women as long as they have a backbone. And So yeah. So when a nice guy strikes out with a woman, quote unquote, strikes out, it's not because of his niceness. It's because that guy is very likely because he's not conveying that sense of strength and confidence that women respond to. So, yeah, you don't need to be some fake alpha male, some assholeier than now.

Yeah, you just need to be a good solid guy with steely self confidence. And, again, the fastest way to get that steely self confidence is to make that big shift to being radically authentic as I talk about in many other podcasts and in my book. But yeah. So that's my take on this last one. Women don't listen to that. Women only want bad boys, not nice guys. Nice guys are sexier than six pack abs as long as you cultivate that sense of worthiness and confidence. So what's your move here? What can you put into practice? Be a man with a plan women love a leader. So when talking to a woman, setting up a date, never say, so what do you wanna do? Have a plan. Lead. Pick a place that she'd love to go, or at least that you think she'd love to go. Have a second spot in mind for a nightcap. Know where you're taking her with decisiveness. Speak decisively, speak with confidence and certainty as much as you can muster. You know? Imagine being on a first date, and it's going pretty well but you're not sure.

Don't say so. What do you wanna do next? Do you wanna go somewhere else? you can say, hey. Have a great idea. I'm having a great time. And so are you, I think? Wink, wink. Let's go to a cool place that you already know about. It's awesome, and you're gonna love it. Shall we? So be a decisive man with a plan, And, yeah, basically do that, and you can begin to date like a bad boy while being the good guy who you are.

Okay. Let's talk about one more big ole myth that messes with guys. Should we talk about approaching, or should we talk about the whole alpha male thing? How about I'm thinking, yeah, let's talk about approaching, because a lot of guys talk to me about this. Here's a big myth. Myth number five, and this bothers a lot of guys that might bother you. There's a big myth and men feel like, quote, it's creepy to approach. It's creepy to approach a woman. And the truth is I think it's creepy not to approach.

It's creepy not to approach. And let me try to underscore this with a quick story. So when I was first going out learning how to approach click with women, This was in the late double zeros. I went out. I was at a trendy rooftop lounge here in New York City. I was out with my wingman. a buddy of mine I was going out with, and my wingman and I made a deal. We had to do whatever the other person said all evening long. So if he said approach that table or talk to that girl, I had to do what he said and vice versa. So that was how we were keeping each other honest and taking action. So my wingman pointed over to a table, and there was a really cute brunette and her really cute blonde friend. And sitting with them was this big muscular guy, this big burly guy, shaved head tight t shirt massive muscles. And at this point, I was still very nervous about talking to women. I was still dealing with some approaching anxiety. And let alone dealing with a potentially pissed off boyfriend was very scary to me.

I mean, this guy was huge. He was, like, he was, like, if a bottle of muscle milk became corporeal, this guy. That was this guy. But I summoned courage, Now I walked over doing what I was told by my wingman. And so the three of them were seated, and there was an open chair. And I sat in the empty chair. And I said, hello. And my opener was something pretty basic.

Like, hey. What's up? You guys look friendly. Hello. I'm Connell. That's simple. Nothing fancy. And the brunette's eyes got really wide, and she leaned forward. And she sat and kind of leaned toward me and said, oh my god.

You just came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are? And that was, like, in my mind, I was thinking, a creep who's about to get his butt kicked by your muscly friend here. But I hell I kept my cool. I didn't say anything. I said, what do you mean? " And she said, you're normal. And then she tilted her head toward a different guy sitting a couple tables over. A fellow gender, by the way, a guy in a black shirt, I remember. And she said, see that guy over there? He's been staring at us all night, and it's creeping us out But you just came right up and talked to us.

Thank you. Thanks for being normal, basically, is what she said. Oh, by the way, the big hulking guy. With all the muscles who I was worried about, he was super friendly. He wasn't even dating either of them. He was just a dude, a friend, and he was very friendly. and I eventually traded numbers with the brunette, who was super charming in addition to being really pretty and confident. So, yeah, most men don't approach women, and often that comes from a fear of coming across as creepy.

thinking that approaching is creepy. But if you think about it, there's nothing creepy about approaching. What's actually creepy to women is a guy who wants to approach but does nothing and just stares. That creeps women out. So if you're especially if you're in a social setting like a bar or a pub, where people go out to talk with other people, the whole point is you're out there socializing. Otherwise, you could stay at home and drink. What's more normal than saying hello to being social with people out, especially at a bar or a lounge. So what's your move here? Your move is to follow the three second rule.

This is an age old approach that goes way back long before I ever got into this world. And, basically, when you're in a social environment, And you see a woman you'd like to talk to? Approach her immediately. Start counting down. from three, and before you hit Zero, be walking toward her. So three seconds from the time you spot her, walk up. because if you delay for too long, that lower doubtful self is gonna talk you out of it. gonna say, oh, don't do it. It's creepy.

You're not cool enough. You're not good looking enough. You're not tall enough. Blah blah blah blah. Tell that voice to put a gag in the mouth of that voice and walk up, listen to the 3 second rule, because the longer you wait, the heavier the weight. Right? So 3, 2, 1, go. Don't forget that. Okay.

You know what? I might do a separate second episode all about dating myths because there are a lot more, but they'll do it for today. So those are your top five dating myths. and the truth in each case and also the tip you can put into use right away. Alright. until next time, remember, women out there already like you. They just have to meet the authentic you. See you next time.