Success with women is not about looks, money or “pickup” tricks. Are you wondering how to attract a woman instantly? And not just any woman, an amazing woman?
Here’s the secret, in eight simple words. Ready?
To elaborate, let me tell you about Ken.
When I met him, Ken was 25 and still a virgin. He’d never even kissed a girl. The thing is, he had a lot going for him: a good teaching job at an East Coast college, total respect for women, and a deep knowledge of ancient-Greek literature. (Most guys can quote Homer Simpson. Ken can quote Homer’s Odyssey.)
But he was chubby and short—think Jonah Hill—and he always ended up in the “friend zone.”
If you lack confidence with women, your dating life suffers, and if your dating life suffers, you lack confidence with women. It’s an insidious cycle.
But Ken was ready to change, so he asked me to coach him. I couldn’t wait, because I’d been where he was. I used to be shy and dateless. I felt unworthy of women, so I walked through the world with a girl-shaped hole in my chest.
I finally said “enough!” and I spent years working with top dating and self-development coaches to create a true transformation. And then I became a dating coach myself so I could help good guys attract amazing women—and with total integrity.
Ken had read The Game, so he assumed he’d be taking on a pickup-artist alter ego (complete with flashy clothes for “peak-cocking”) and using button-pushing tactics, all to get women into bed.
It’s about authenticity. “Girls like you for you,” I said. “Don’t hide who you are. Amplify it. Women love men who can be real and authentic.”
After giving him some field-tested techniques and powerful mindsets to glide his path, I sent him out to the bars and clubs of New York City. He was anxious at first, but on this third night out something shifted. As he chatted with women, he stood taller, talked louder and laughed more. He had deep conversations with girls about Plato and Aristotle. At one point, a brainy NYU grad student grabbed his iPhone, punched in her number and insisted he take her out.
On a rooftop bar in Manhattan’s Meatpacking District, Ken saw a Gwyneth Paltrow lookalike in a short, yellow dress. He approached her.
There was instant chemistry. They talked and had drinks. Then he went for it. He leaned in… and up (she had four inches on him) and they kissed.
His first kiss EVER—and with a beautiful woman.
Ken was levitating afterward, but I think I enjoyed that kiss even more than he did. It’s so moving to see a good guy shed self-doubt and learn that girls like him for who he is.
Over the last nine years, I’ve traveled the world to study the art and psychology of male-female attraction. I’ve met thousands of girls and coached hundreds of guys. Here are 15 truths I’ve learned about what REALLY works with women and how to attract a woman instantly:
Maybe you feel the way I used to. Maybe you think you lack the looks, money or status to attract women. Maybe an invisible force seems to keep you from approaching that stunner at Starbucks. Maybe you feel imprisoned in the “friend zone.” Maybe you run out of things to say. Or maybe you feel you’re just not “that guy” girls go for, so you settle or you don’t date at all.
I’ve been there. I lived there. I owned vast tracts of real estate there.
Those thoughts and beliefs are fictions, not facts. They’re mental cul-de-sacs made from false assumptions. Take Ken. He’d told himself a story—that he was rejected by an entire gender. Then he took action and unearthed new evidence that let him rewrite the script. It went from a horror movie to a romance, with him the lead actor.
Something I’ve learned training with Tony Robbins' coaches: When the story you tell yourself is empowering, you take action. You can chat up women anywhere. You can unlock your natural masculinity and charisma and create genuine chemistry with wonderful women. You can finally stop hearing “Let’s be friends” and start hearing “Let’s go to your place.” All while being the REAL you, not some persona.
“Be yourself” is a cliché. I want you to be radically authentic.
Channel the most distilled version of you. Here’s why this is so important.
When the typical guy is on a date or out meeting women, he wears a mask. He plays the part of the Nice Guy or the Arrogant Jerk or the Pickup Artist. It’s a move meant to either shield him from rejection (“She didn’t really reject me because I hid the real me”), or to compensate for something he thinks is missing in himself. (On a first date, I once told an adventure-loving woman that I liked to go shark-diving off the coast of Belize. I felt I had to be the rugged guy she wanted, rather than the nerdy, naturally introverted guy I am.)
When you pretend to be someone you’re not, you send women mixed messages. She may even like you, but something will seem… off. (“Wait, does this guy shark-dive in Belize, because he seems more like a nerd who likes old novels and musical theater?”) And because women have great bullshit detectors, she’ll lose interest.
But when you’re radically authentic—honest, transparent, clear—you give the girl the singular experience of YOU. And if she likes your type, she’ll become very attracted...not to a persona but to who you are at your core.
So do you want to put on a persona or be radically authentic? It’s the difference between a watered-down well drink and a strong, smoky Scotch. Women want to catch a buzz on the good stuff—the top-shelf, 80-proof you.
Be original. Be radically you.
Or, to quote another famous Brit, be you, turned up to 11.
A lot of men I coach come to me with “approach anxiety.” They see women they want to meet, but they fear being seen as a “creep” hitting on girls, so they do nothing and miss out on many opportunities.
Your next girlfriend might be sitting next to you at the café, or enjoying a glass of wine at the bar, or reading a book in the park—but you’ll never find out if you don’t say hello.
True, a dozen times a day an attractive woman is creeped-on, checked-out, cat-called and eye-balled.
But how often does she meet a friendly, charming man who walks up and flirts in a disarming way? That happens in movies but not the real world, right?
You can be the guy to make her rom-com, “meet-cute” dreams come true.
A woman doesn’t want every man to approach her, but she’s dying for a man to approach her.
Date with total integrity and never lie. Not only is it the right thing to do, but women love a truth teller.
Back when I’d just started learning success with women and dating, I was at a trendy, hotel-rooftop lounge in a New York City hotel. I was being coached by Owen Cook (aka Tyler Durden in the book The Game), an innovative, influential mentor of mine who taught me that success with women can be a powerful form of self-development. He pointed toward a table and told me to approach a brunette and a blonde who were sitting with a massive, muscle-bound guy.
I was still nervous about talking to women, let alone dealing with a potentially pissed-off boyfriend with arms thicker than my thighs. But I summoned the courage, walked over and said hi.
The brunette’s eyes widened. She leaned in. “Oh my god! You came right up and talked to us. Do you know what you are?” (I thought, Umm, a creep who’s about to get his skinny ass kicked?) “You’re normal!” She pointed to a man sitting at another table; he was looking in our direction. “See that guy over there? He’s been staring at us all night, and it’s creeping us out.”
The hulking dude, by the way, was just a friend and couldn’t have been cooler.
The four of us talked for a bit, and I traded numbers with the brunette.
I felt for the “staring guy” because that used to be me. He’s a good dude, I’m sure—he just couldn’t summon the will to take action, so he stared instead.
Cook later said something that stayed with me: “Is it a little weird having to learn how to talk to girls? Yeah, it kinda is. You know what’s even weirder? Not learning how.”
Remember that Seinfeld episode when George does the opposite of his instinct? Instead of lying and being someone he’s not, he’s honest and vulnerable—and immediately connects with a gorgeous woman.
There’s strength in vulnerability. You don’t need to be Steve McQueen cool to attract a great girl into your life. If you’re more George than Steve, then own it. Be vulnerable. Unleash your inner Costanza. Start doing the OPPOSITE.
On dates, I used to spend way too much mental RAM worried about my needs and insecurities. When I shifted my focus to what I could give the girl, it felt better and went better.
If a man sees a woman through the lens of his needs—ego, validation, sex—then he doesn’t see her at all. He’s blind. She’ll sense that and lose attraction. Because a needy guy is repellant. (I know from first-hand experience.)
But if you focus on what you can offer, the scales fall from your eyes. You truly see her, and she’ll sense your presence and connection. She’ll feel that you’re giving, not taking. And when you give to her, she’ll want to give back.
I recently checked out a dating coach’s website, and he was hawking a dozen different paid products: E-books, guides, DVDs, videos, one-size-fits-all courses. Everything but a “How to Pick Up Girls” tote bag.
Take it from a guy who tried almost every product out there, and went to all the top coaches. Products are Band-Aids. They won’t get you results. They won’t heal you.
To get great with girls, you don’t need more videos, more information, more stuff. You’re drowning in information. What you need is wisdom and action.
Here’s what will bring you the dating life of your dreams: a good plan, a good coach, and massive action.
Shakespeare again: “Action is eloquence.”
When I first got into this meeting-girls thing, I thought I just needed to “sow my oats.” But as I went deeper—taking programs all over the world, from New York to London to Barcelona—I realized that I was healing old wounds. Deep down, I just needed to know that girls liked me.
Along the way, it’s made me (and men I’ve coached) more present, more authentic, more charismatic, and more sociable.
Learning how to date with authenticity and integrity is a bad-ass form of self-development.
I’m big on improving myself. I’ve been to countless seminars, walked on searing coals, hung vision boards. Learning success with women is like going to a Tony Robbins event, but instead of walking on hot coals, you walk up to women and show your true self—and learn there’s nothing to fear.
Most dating and “pickup” coaches teach technique, technique, technique.
They’re filling your head with more information, and it’s only hurting you.
Technique is like the band U2: important but way overrated. You’re not doing dead lifts or hitting flop shots from deep rough. You’re talking to a girl.
Poor mechanics is not your enemy. Your enemies are fear and doubt.
Let fear and doubt win and you’ll be frustrated, friend-zoned and dateless.
Vanquish them and you’ll have moves like Mick Jagger—or at least Mick Fleetwood. (Hey, he dated Stevie Nicks. Respect.)
A woman wants a man of substance. So work on yourself. Become smarter, sharper, funnier. Travel. Read great novels. Learn French. Take improv. Hire a trainer and add muscle.
The more you grow as a man, the more magnetic you become. You can’t fake this. In Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert Pirsig writes, “Expansion has to be made at the roots, not the branches.”
Men build empires to get girls. You don’t need an empire. But you should be able to do 25 pushups.
Several years back, a pickup-artist gave me well-meaning but terrible advice. He said, “Go out for a month and just be an asshole. Act like a dick to women.” I tried it for two weeks. I said polarizing, shocking things. I acted arrogant and superior. I remember meeting a girl in South Beach and saying, “You’re from Miami? Fuck Miami!”
It felt awful. I hated it. Women looked at me like I was an alien. It didn’t work. It wasn't me.
It’s a myth that women want macho jerks. A nice guy can get amazing girls—he just needs a backbone, is all. I’ll never forget what a Maxim model said as she was complaining about all the arrogant, self-involved jerks she meets in L.A.: “Nice guys are sexier than 6-pack abs.”
Ravishing though she may be, a woman is not her physical features. She’s a person of divine perfection—just like you are.
And people don’t conquer. People connect.
I learned some cool concepts from the “pickup community,” such as presence, taking right action and managing fear.
I also learned what not to do, what not to teach, and what’s just creepy.
At one seminar, the instructor told us that if a woman at a bar felt uncomfortable with our advances, we should use a “statement of empathy” to defuse her negative reaction.
A “statement of empathy”? That sounds like something Ted Bundy might have used to get hitchhikers into his car.
How about being present to a woman’s feelings so that she never feels uncomfortable?
Instead of a statement of empathy, how about, you know, actual empathy?
You know how to attract women. Evolution hard-wired it into you. Men and women are drawn to each other. You don’t learn attraction so much as you forget what’s causing interference, resistance and fear.
A couple days after his first-ever kiss—with that beautiful girl in the yellow dress—Ken, the Greek-lit scholar, sent me this text:
‘Learning is remembering.’ —Aristotle
P.S. If you’ve read this far, maybe you’re ready to follow Ken’s lead—and take action so you can finally attract the beautiful women you want in your life.
Because here’s a “bonus” truth I’ve learned: If you follow the same dating path, you get the same disappointing results, from doing hard time in the “friend zone” to settling for less… or settling for loneliness.
What will your life look like in a year—in five years—if you do nothing?
But… what if you could learn from someone who’s faced, and solved, every dating challenge there is? That would be like playing a video game with the cheat codes, or taking the SATs with all the answers on a crib sheet.
I’ve helped hundreds of men take their dating life to the next level, and in only days or weeks. I can show you how it’s done. And as your coach, I’m WITH you, every step of the way.
Without hands-on support, you risk failure or painfully slow progress. And with the wrong coach, you could spend thousands of dollars for NO results—or even get worse. And they’ll probably want you to be someone you’re not.
So if you’re ready to attract a woman who's amazing and beautiful, by showing her your real, authentic self, BOOK A FREE CALL WITH ME. We’ll chat for 45-60 minutes, and you’ll get the advice and guidance you need to take the shortest possible path to your goal—whether want a great girlfriend to share your life with, or an abundance of dating options.
A heads up. PLEASE only book a call if you’re ALL three of these things: 1) Truly committed to taking action 2) Decisive and resourceful 3) Someone who likes and respects women. If you aren’t those three things, then we’re not a good fit.
But if that does sound like you, and if you’re ready for a dating transformation, CLICK HERE TO BOOK YOUR FREE CALL. And we’ll talk soon.
Connell Barrett is a NYC Dating Coach, helping men worldwide. Connell has appeared on shows such as Access Hollywood and The Today Show and in publications such as Maxim, Cosmopolitan, and O Magazine. Book a free consultation with Connell here.
I'm dating coach Connell Barrett. I help men build confidence and connect with women by being authentic!
NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001