I hear it all time from guys who want to learn how to pick up girls. They say, “Connell, I want to know how to approach women. I want to pick up girls. But I feel anxiety, and I don’t want to be that creepy “pick-up guy.”
I totally get it. Chances are, throughout your day or week, you see THAT INCREDIBLE GIRL you’d love to talk to. She’s standing next to you at Starbucks, or she’s doing yoga at your gym, or she’s at the bar with her friends.
And you would LOVE to approach her and chat, but it’s almost like there’s an invisible force field between you. She could be two feet away, but it feels more like two miles.
And if you do break the ice—if you approach women and try to pick up girls—then I bet you feel anxiety, especially in those first few seconds of the interaction. Your head fills with thoughts like, “Is this going well? Does she like me? Will I get her number?”
So… you’re trapped. On one hand, if you don’t approach women, you’re limiting yourself to swiping endlessly on Tinder or having friends fix you up with girls you’re just not into. Plus, you kick yourself every time you see an incredible girl yet do nothing, and your self-esteem takes a bullet.
On the other hand, if you do try to “pick up girls,” then you get shoved into your head, feeling all that anxiety, self-judgment, and needing it to “work.” You might even feel a little creepy, or awkward.
Well, it doesn’t have to be this way. I have a solution for you. It’s something I’ve taught hundreds of guys in my nine years studying male-female attraction.
You can approach and attract amazing women as your most authentic, confident self. And you can do it with little or no awkwardness, and ZERO creepiness.
In fact, it’s a technique that women LOVE. They WANT you to do this.
This shift will make attracting women SO much easier, and you’ll feel virtually zero anxiety. Here’s the shift.
You see, when a guy tries to “pick up women,” his mindset automatically goes into a TAKING mode. He makes it about him. He’s just another guy who WANTS something from a beautiful girl: her number, her validation, her sex, her beauty.
That’s understandable, but it’s hurting your results. Don’t ask, “How can I pick up girls?”
Here’s something I learned training with Tony Robbins coaches: If you ask a BETTER question, you get a better answer.
So instead of asking, “How can I pick up girls?,” ask, “How can I make women smile?” Or “How can I make a woman’s day better?”
What you’re really asking is, “How can I give? What can I offer?”
You see, when you say, “I want to pick up girls,” that phrase is all about what’s in it for YOU. It’s about what YOU want.
Making it about YOU makes it HARDER to get what you want: a dating life filled with amazing women.
Does this make sense?
I see it ALL THE TIME in the clients I teach. When they come to me, they’re focused on THEIR needs and wants, and that makes total sense. We all want what we want.
But when I help them shift their focus to what they can offer girls—in other words, when they STOP trying to pick her up and start trying to make her day or night better—you know what happens? You become that rare guy who’s sharing and offering, with ZERO neediness. And that leads to awesome benefits and outcomes.
Approach anxiety disappears.
Women say, “Wow, you’re different. I’m so glad you approached me.”
Beautiful girls will grab your phone, punch in their numbers, and say, “You BETTER text me and take me out.”
Because when you OFFER something, instead of asking, it’s no longer about a “pick-up.”
It’s about sharing, connection, and give-and-take. Women want guys who give and share, not just take, take, take.
So, if you want to attract amazing women as your authentic self, make a shift.
Don’t be a pickup artist who takes. Be your best, most authentic self, and give.
How? Share a sincere, specific compliment. Notice something about a woman that makes her stand out—her bad-ass leather jacket, that trippy tattoo, the way she walks or carries herself. And tell her you appreciate it.
When you’re chatting with her at the bar, and you find yourself thinking, “Does she like me?"
Your NEW goal? Make her smile. Make her laugh. Make her day a little better, just by sharing your authentic, masculine presence—and not needing ANYTHING in return.
If you go through life with this mentality, and taking the right actions, women will become very attracted to you. Because you’ll stand out. You’re be different from all the other guys who either don’t talk to girls they see, or if they do they try to take, take, take.
So don’t take. Give.
And soon you’ll get the same RESULTS—attraction, dates, a great girlfriend—as the guy who wants to know, “How do I pick up girls?”
But you won’t be doing “pickup” stuff. You’ll be an authentic, generous man who draws women to you because you give more than you take.
To quote from the Gospel of John and Paul (Lennon and McCartney, that is): “The love you take is equal to the love you make.”
Approach girls this way, and they’re gonna LOVE you.
If you’d like to attract amazing women as your most authentic, confident self, then let’s talk. Every month, I work with a SMALL number of men who are ready to take their dating life to the next level, whether they want to escape the “friend zone,” date several awesome women, or get that great girlfriend to share their life with. If you’re a man of action who’s truly motivated to take his dating life to the next level, book a FREE call with me here. We’ll chat for about 45 minutes, and if I can help you, I’ll give you a step-by-step action plan to become the man you were meant to be. And if I can’t help you, no worries—it will still be the best hour you’ve ever spent on your dating life.
If you’re ready to take action, click here for your free call, and you and I will talk soon.
Are you shy and not sure you can do this? Read about dating tips for shy guys.
Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men from NYC, serving clients worldwide. He's helped men all over the world learn how to show confidence to a woman. Connell has appeared on shows such as Access Hollywood and The Today Show, as well as in publications such as O Magazine, Maxim and Cosmopolitan to name a few. He's also an online dating coach, specializing in Tinder. Schedule a consultation with Connell here.
I'm dating coach Connell Barrett. I help men build confidence and connect with women by being authentic!
NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001