The very best dating advice for men? It comes down to two words: I call it “Radical Authenticity.”
When you’re being radically authentic with people, you’re at your most confident, comfortable, charismatic—and that makes you magnetic to a lot of women.
I love being a dating coach in NYC. But as much as I’m a dating coach, I consider myself a self-development teacher who happens to give dating advice.
I’ve trained under several world-class self-development gurus, including some of Tony Robbins’ top trainers.
And I give this advice to all men that I coach, even outside of dating advice.
Be radically authentic in all of your relationships. Be the most blazingly honest, transparent, speak-from-the-heart version of yourself that you can be.
If you want to learn how to pick up girls without being a “creepy guy who picks up girls,” then channel your inner core. That’s when chemistry with a wonderful woman happens naturally, rather than the result of button-pushing manipulation.
Believe it or not, this is EASIER to do than pretending to be someone you’re not. Yet the typical guy wears a mask when he’s dating. He acts extra cool, extra impressive, extra “nice,” extra alpha. But by doing that, he’s actually hiding his TRUE personality and making himself less attractive. So women reject him, which can crush a guy’s confidence.
He thinks the problem is him. Not at all. It’s just that women haven’t met the REAL him.
But when you channel your authentic self, women LOVE it… Not EVERY woman, of course, because we all have different types. But the kinds of girls who would love your type will go crazy for you… when you’re brave enough to put your real self out there.
It’s the difference between being a weak, watered-down well drink, or a smooth, strong whiskey. Girls want the good stuff—the 80-proof, top-shelf YOU.
Don’t learn how to pick up girls. Learn how to be radically authentic with women—and let natural chemistry and attraction work its mojo.
This works BETTER than learning how to pick up girls, with a big added bonus: You get to be YOU, and make genuine connections with amazing women.
Does that make sense?
Some of my clients say, “But Connell, I’m a nice guy. Girls want bad boys, right?”
Me, I’m the nicest guy in the world, and so are my clients. I volunteer with the visually impaired. That’s right—I take blind men and women grocery-shopping, help them read their mail, and even take them bowling!
I literally help old ladies cross the street. I say this not to brag but to let you know that nice guys can, and do, attract the most incredible women.
So if you’re a good, solid, nice guy… awesome. Lean into it. Because it’s what women want.
Consider this. In a recent Glamour Magazine poll, single women chose “loyal and lovable men” as the category of guys they MOST want to date, at 33%. “Bad boys” finished second to last, at 6%.
I tried to be a “bad boy,” and I felt like I was wearing someone else’s suit.
If you’re a “nice guy,” flaunt it.
If you’re into LARP, own it.
If you’ve memorized entire episodes of Star Trek, no judgment here. (OK, a LITTLE judgment…)
I recently met a single dad who asked for some dating advice. He’s just getting back into the single scene, and he wanted to know if he should talk about his kids on first dates. Hell yes, I said.
“You have the second most important job on the planet, after being a mother,” I told him. “You’d better talk about fatherhood. It’s a major part of your identity.”
And never, ever run from being a nice guy.
Don’t take it solely from me. I know this Maxim model. A perfect 10 stunner. She’s spent many birthdays and holidays alone because men don’t ask her out—they assume she’s got a boyfriend. They assume she’s with some bad-boy type or some master-of-the-universe banker.
She’s often alone. Do you know who she wants to date? Nice guys! She said that all she meets in the entertainment industry are jerks and takers.
“Nice guys are sexier than 6-pack abs,” she said.
Speaking of nice guys, I have a client named Brad who was in a 3-month dating slump. He’d taken a pickup-artist’s program to learn how to pick up girls. But he was going nowhere. His problem? He was putting on a false persona and trying button-pushing head games. Night after night, NO success. And he was frustrated, questioning his attractiveness. But the thing is, women were meeting a caricature, not the real Brad.
I showed him some cool techniques and mindsets to unleash his authentic self—a warm, silly, fun-loving guy who LIKES and RESPECTS women, not some “pick-up guy.”
The first night he went out, he met a super cute brunette at a bar, and they went back to his place for rooftop drinks. Within a week, Brad was dating three great girls. Slump over! He was putting in less effort and getting better results. He said a weight had been lifted and couldn’t believe how simple it was to get girls just by being himself.
You don’t need to be a NYC dating coach to know that a false persona is like a suit of armor. When you take it off, you feel light, free—an energy that women LOVE.
So, do you want to be fake, work harder and get the poor results? Or do you want to be MORE you, have MORE fun, attract MORE women—with LESS effort?
Because tonight, there are countless girls out there who’ll be alone, or worse—stuck with some jerk, when they COULD be with a genuine guy who gives the gift of his TRUE, authentic self.
Before a girl can fall for you, you have to fall for yourself. You have to buy in to YOU, and the fact that you’re an original.
Think about it. There are a million guys trying a million lines they read online.
But there’s only one person who possesses your life experiences, your sense of humor, your victories, your failures, your feelings.
You’re not one in a million. You’re one in 7 billion.
When you put your real self on the line, you give women a singular, one-of-a-kind experience: the real you.
Not every woman is gonna be into it, but those girls who like your type are gonna LOVE you.
This takes bravery, vulnerability and honesty. But it’s worth it.
Here’s some radical authenticity for you.
In high school, I fought depression and felt isolated. This led to terrible grades, and barely got into college. During that time, I blew off most of the great novels I was supposed to read. No good reason. I just didn’t have the energy.
So, a few years back, I decided to read some of those classics that I blew off in my teens: Huck Finn. Great Expectations. Moby Dick.
When I read Moby Dick, I could not get enough. I read entire chapters out loud, to fully appreciate Melville’s perfect prose. I’ve memorized entire passages. Sometimes on dates I wear my Moby Dick T-shirt. And I own a copy of a letter signed by Melville.
I’ll leave you not with a trite piece of dating advice (“mirror her body language,” “make good eye contact,” etc.) but with a favorite gem from Melville’s pen. It’s become a mantra for me as I guide good men to dating success.
“It’s better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.”
Connell Barrett is a dating coach for guys in NYC serving worldwide. He provides dating advice for men to helps them find the women of their dreams through authenticity. Find first date tips for men here or other tips such as how to text a girl. Chat with Connell here.
NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001