Answer: a good approach.
Here's how to approach women with unstoppable confidence from me, Connell Barrett, a dating coach for guys. Why should you listen to me? I used to have trouble approaching women and spent years with many mentors to unlock the secrets. Since then, I've appeared on several talk shows and in magazines to tell people that the best way to attract the women of your dreams is through authenticity. But enough about me.
Today I have a lesson for you. It’s brief, but it’s a doozy. I saved it until now because it’s my Theory of Everything—a concept that encompasses all we’ve discussed so far. Take what I’ve taught you, add this KEY element, and you’ll be unstoppable. Ready? The secret to approaching comes down to two simple words.
Lesson over! OK, I’ll elaborate. A good vibe matters more than any technique. What women really respond to is not your words or your looks—but your energy. Your sincere smile. The spring in your step. Your present, positive mojo.
In fact, you can break almost any approach rule, yet if you walk up with good energy, she’ll usually respond well—sometimes amazingly well.
Let’s go deeper. At play in a given social interaction is a powerful, hidden dynamic known as "emotional state transfer." Simply put, emotions are contagious. Our brains have "mirror neurons," which make you not only feel another person’s energy but also mirror it. You feel what they feel and vice-versa. This is why that Debbie Downer in your office bums you out. It’s why your fun-loving best friend cheers you up.
And it’s why I always cry when Mufasa dies. (Where's my tissue box?)
Armed with the power of good emotions, you become more attractive and charismatic. When you approach with a fun, positive vibe, she’ll likely feel fun and positive, too—and easier to connect when you're both enjoying good emotions. (Read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink for more on mirror neurons and the science of charisma.)
And don't sweat this. I've got your back. In fact, I’ve already stacked the deck in your favor. If you apply the main points from my video series—see approaching as win-win, offer sincere compliments, nail your vocal tonality and body language—you'll automatically project a fun vibe that women love.
A heads up: Yes, you want to have good energy, but don’t fake it or force it. Let it arise. The sweet spot? Being "congruent" in your communication. What I mean is, align the way you feel inside with what you send to the outside world. Let’s say you’re in a bar, and you’re in a relaxed, laid-back mood. When you see a pretty girl, talk to her as that relaxed, laid-back guy. No need to act differently. You’re already enough to attract her. If you’re feeling amazingly charismatic, awesome! Let Mr. Charisma come out and play.
And if you’re feeling nervous and introverted, don’t hide it—lead with it. Be transparent. Say something to her like, "Hi, I’m actually kinda shy, but I had to meet you…" That’s powerful because it’s real, vulnerable and congruent. This inner-outer alignment is a key to being your most authentic, confident self. And women are drawn to it.
I’m excited for you. Think how much more captivating you’ll be than other guys. Most men don’t approach, and those who do hide behind social masks or pickup lines. But you’re walking up to that beautiful woman to share your good vibes and your authentic self. That’s very attractive.
Connell Barrett is a dating coach for guys in New York City. He helps men around the world attract the women of their dreams by helping them to unlock their authenticity. Whether an extrovert or a shy guy, Connell provides dating tips for all types of men. Connell has appeared on the Today Show, Access Hollywood and in publications such as Maxim, Cosmopolitan and Oprah Magazine. Click here to chat with Connell.
NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001