I’m psyched to share this: My Unified Theory of Texting. It’s all about what to text a girl in a way that leads to you getting more dates.
I’ve coached hundreds of guys, so take it from a coach: Being a good texter is VERY important for dating success.
Most of my clients want to know 3 key things…
These are important questions because being a bad texter will sink your chances with some amazing women.
You see, early on in the dating game, a woman puts you into one of three categories: yes, no, maybe. And “maybe” is the most common. If you text well—if you express yourself authentically and attractively—you can go from “maybe” to “yes.”
If you text poorly, it’s a hard “no.” And that’s when she gets too “busy” to reply, or just disappears.
If you want to get a date over text, you don’t have to send AMAZING messages. No need to be the wittiest man on the world. You just want to NOT make the most common mistake that turns women off, which I'll get to in a second.
Let me share a screenshot from a guy who’s in my Facebook Group (“How to Be Your Best Self & Get the Girl.”) His name is Paul, a great, cool guy.
Paul had a date with a pretty girl. He said the date went well, the two of them had a nice, fun conversation. And when it ended, they both said they wanted to see each other again. All good, right?
He texted her a few more times, and … she went quiet. No replies. She vanished.
Paul was confused and frustrated. She liked him, he thought. And she just disappeared.
It can make a guy doubt himself, and wonder if there’s something wrong with him as a man. Maybe girls aren’t into him, Paul wondered. Maybe he’s just not attractive, he thought.
Not at all. He’s a great guy with a lot to offer.
He just ignored my Unified Theory of Texting.
He did what you should NEVER do when texting women. He did the thing that keeps guys from getting dates over text.
The Unified Theory of Texting is super simple. Here it is:
Offer MUCH more than you ask.
Or, put another way: Give her more than you want from her.
THAT’S how you text a girl. THAT’S how you respond to a text. THAT’S how you get dates over text.
To go deeper, let’s look at the screen shot of Paul’s texts with the girl he had a date with.
As you can see from her first reply, she DID have a nice time on the date. She liked Paul and, I believe, put him into the “maybe” category. But then he committed a fatal text mistake that moved him from a “maybe” to a “no.”
First, less than ONE MINUTE after she wrote him back, he asked her out again.
Next, there are a couple typos (“good norning.”) Quality women aren’t gonna date a guy who texts multiple misspellings/mistakes. Too many grammatical issues are deal-breakers for a lot of girls. I know several women who’ll ghost a guy who doesn’t know “your” from “you’re.” (And I don’t blame them.) So, if you have a lot of grammatical goofs, then sorry—“YOUR” not gonna get dates over texting. No misspellings or egregious grammar mistakes.
But here’s the BIG thing I saw in Paul’s texts, and this goes for 90 percent of guys. (I see this ALL THE TIME in my clients.)
The main mistake guys make when texting? They make it about what THEY want, not what the woman wants.
They WANT more than they GIVE. Women deal with this all the time.
Have you ever looked at the messages from guys on a girl’s phone?
“Hey, wanna meet up?”
“How’s your day?”
“Did you get my earlier text?”
“Where are you right now?
“Are you into me?”
“You getting my messages?”
“Are you blowing me off?”
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Are you ghosting me?”
And on and on.
When ALL you do is want something, it can come across as needy. And if you appear needy, you’re toast. Your chance of success is ZERO.
Remember, girls have a LOT of men chasing them, and most of these guys want something. They want a date. They want her to write back. They want validation. They want sex. They want that I.V. drip of self-esteem when she sends an emoji.
And I get it. Hey, we ALL want an awesome woman to reply, to be interested, to date.
But in order to have success with women, you have to give more than you asking.
Let’s break down Paul’s screenshot. Five of his 6 messages are him WANTING something from the girl.
He wants to go out again. He wants to know when she’s free. He wants to know how her day was. He wants her to meet up with him. He wants to know if she dropped the class.
He’s demanding a LOT of her. He’s asking her to comply.
And his only text that didn’t ask for something contained a misspelling. Paul went oh-for- six. (It’s all good. This is totally fixable!)
So, here’s a girl who had a nice date with a cool, good-hearted man. She liked him. She was up for a second date. But his texts made him seem needy, which led to her ghosting/disappearing.
Imagine you had a guy friend, and his every text was him hitting you up for something that HE needed, something you had to reply to, some favor you could do for him. His every message was about his needs, and always needed your reply.
Would you LOVE or DREAD seeing his messages? Would you even want to be his friend after too much of this?
Now imagine you have a buddy whose texts always make you chuckle, or smile, or recall a funny moment you two shared. Maybe you’re having a tough Monday at work, and you check your phone, and there’s a cat video that makes you laugh—and makes your day a little better.
THAT’S how you want to text women. (Oh, AND your friends, AND your family.)
So stop wanting. Stop asking. Stop needing… and OFFER. GIVE to girls.
Make her smile. Crack a joke. Send a meme or gif. Write a flirty/naughty note. Pay her a compliment. Remind her of an inside joke you shared when you met. Send her a link to a song she’d LOVE. Share a silly/quirky/random thought. If she replies, great. (And more often than not, she will.) But if not, no problem.
Your goal is ONLY to offer.
A former client recently told me that he was in bed with his new girlfriend. They were looking at her phone and laughing at these other men who’d texted her the wrong way: “Hey, how about drinks?... What U doing?... Wanna meet up?”
My client made this woman his girlfriend in part because he focused on what SHE wanted. When he responded to her text, he was funny or witty. He’d send her charming gifs and memes that served NO other purpose than to make her smile—and keep him on her mind.
This made him stand out, it helped him get that first date, and now they’re dating. It’s a win-win, for her and him.
So, how to respond to a girl’s text? What’s great is that you can do it YOUR way, in a style that’s authentic to who you are.
But most men don’t text like that. They text like this:
“I want, I want, I want... gimme, gimme, gimme…”
They ask a ton of questions and offer little or nothing. No wonder girls flake/ghost/disappear.
This is the shift I want you to make. When you text a woman, think about what’s in it for HER. How can you make her day brighter/better? How can you make her laugh, get her out of her head, stay on her mind (in a good way)?
When you get good at this, then YOU STAND OUT. You’re different than all those other guys. And women want to be with guys who stand out.
Girls want guys who GIVE.
Because if you give, you’ll also receive.
And when you’ve given, given, given, then you can ask her out. And she’ll WANT you to.
Look, when it comes to getting a date over text, there’s a LOT that goes into it. You need to know about timing (when to text, when not to)… about how to reply to different messages… about when to ask her out and when NOT to.
But my Unified Theory of Texting is the MOST important piece of this puzzle. It’s the best way to get dates from texting. And when you ask yourself, “How do I respond to her text?”, the answer should involve you OFFERING her something. If you're offering her something instead of just following up with her, you'll realize you do know what to text a girl to make her smile after all.
You have to give in order to get.
To quote from the Gospel of John and Paul (Lennon and McCartney): “The love you take is equal to the love you make.”
If you want to get great at texting and turn numbers into great dates with amazing women—then let’s talk. Every month, I work with a few new clients and I show them how to transform their dating lives, so they can attract incredible women while being authentic and more confident.
If you’re tired of getting ghosted, of living in the “friend zone,” of settling for less in your dating life, book a FREE call with me. Just go to www.DatingTransformation.com/contact and set up a 1-hour call.
On the phone, I’ll show you what’s NOT working in your dating life and how you can fix it.
Because almost ANY guy can learn success with women and get a great girlfriend.
So go to www.DatingTransformation.com/contact to book a FREE call with me. And we’ll talk soon.
Connell Barrett is a New York dating coach helping men around the U.S. attract their dream girl through the power of authenticity. Connell has appeared in such publications as: O Magazine, Maxim and Cosmopolitan as a dating go-to expert. Whether you're dating after divorce or figuring out how to talk to girls, you don't have to figure it out on your own. Read Connell's book Dating Sucks But You Don't or chat with Connell here.
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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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