Dating coach Connell Barrett shares 23 tips to teach you how to talk to girls… and never run out of things to say.
I’m about to give you the blueprint to teach you how to talk to girls, and start creating sparks—on dates, when you text, and when you approach. It’s the most popular chapter in my book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T, and I’m gonna give you some of the best stuff here, for free.
But first, a quick story about my client Trevor.
As he sat in the candlelit wine bar waiting for Becca to arrive, Trevor could feel his nerves churn. It was their first date, and he was excited to meet the successful chef he’d matched with on Bumble.
She wasn’t just a beautiful brunette; she was quick and witty.
But Trevor had been struggling with women. He never knew what to say or how to flirt on dates. Girl after girl sent him the same message: “You seem great, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection.”
“I’m lost,” Trevor confessed to me in our first conversation. “I don’t know how to talk to girls, and it’s so frustrating.”
This night would be different, though, because Trevor had learned the secret that I had taught him about how to talk to girls.
He had honed what I call Man-to-Woman Communication—a turbocharged form of flirting that amplifies romantic connection, and helps you to always know what to say.
Becca walked in and found Trevor to be warm and roguish, while he was impressed by her easy confidence.
He gently teased her for running a few minutes late (“You owe me a drink for every minute you were late”), and she laughed.
He was playful, authentic, and teased her a few times. When Becca looked at his button-down shirt, he pretended to be offended. “My eyes are up here,” he said with a sly grin. “Please stop objectifying me.” She giggled and punched his arm.
They bonded over their passions for cooking and yoga. During their second drink, Trevor took her hand and intertwined their fingers, and Becca tossed her leg over his.
He moved closer and whispered his authentic thoughts into her ear: “You’re even cooler than I was hoping.”
Minutes later, they were kissing, with half the bar shooting them “Get a room” glances.
Before they left, Becca suggested their next get-together—a private couple’s massage at her favorite spa. Not a bad second date.
Walking home, Trevor felt a heady buzz of romance, Belgian beer, and freedom. He had finally figured out how to talk to girls, and create those romantic sparks.
Just like Trevor, you can learn to consistently ignite that romantic connection with women using Man-to-Woman Communication—the breezy, flirty frequency that helps you always know what to say, both IRL and when texting.
You see, most men talk to women on a safe, Friend-to-Friend frequency. That stifles chemistry, and leads to the dreaded Friend Zone.
But when you switch over to the Man-to-Woman wavelength, it’s a one-way ticket to romantic connection.
So if you’ve ever felt, “I want to know how to talk to girls,” read on. Here are 23 ways…
And make sure you try out no. 7, which is my personal favorite!
Other than “Be Radically Authentic,” which is my dating mantra, the first rule is to show clear interest.
It can be as simple as saying, “Let’s go on a date,” rather than “Let’s hang out.” On the date, don’t hide your feelings. Tell her or show her that you think she’s sexy or cool.
Clarity helps you set the M-W frame, and helps unlock your flirty self.
Men often try to “sell” themselves to women they’ve just met, which can come across as desperate. It’s better to adopt a buyer-seller vibe, with you as the buyer.
If you’re at a Best Buy shopping for a new TV, you don’t try to convince the sales- man that a certain model is right for you, and you don’t try to impress him. First you see if the TV is what you’re looking for.
In the same respect, find out if a woman meets your standards. This keeps you from appearing overly eager. Be the buyer.
We’re all searching for truth and realness, so get in the habit of sharing scary but honest feelings with women— as long as it’s not vulgar or negative, of course.
This emotional nakedness can be powerful, and by going first, you free your date to do the same. Such phrases often start out like this:
“You know what I like about you . . .”
“Here’s what scares me the most . . .”
“I want to share something with you, but I’m not sure if I should . . .”
Learning how to talk to girls isn’t just about the words you use. The way you use your voice conveys your confidence level, so cultivate a rich, resonant tonality.
Record conversations with a friend and listen to your voice for flaws such as “uptalking” (when statements sound like questions) and excessive ums and uhs.
When speaking to someone, imagine another person is directly behind them and talk loud enough that both of them can hear you. This will help you project your voice, since chances are your voice shuts down a little when speaking to a woman you find attractive.
You can “talk” with your body and physicality. Physical expressiveness is a simple, powerful way to create a M-W vibe.
You can high-five, hold her hand, tap her arm, touch her thigh, whisper in her ear, or brush the hair from her eyes, among other ways—assuming, of course, that she’s made it clear that she’s comfortable with this, is enjoying it, and also reciprocates.
We’re humans. We touch. You want to be physically expressive in a way that makes her feel safe and comfortable.
Light, playful teasing can amplify attraction. So if you’re a natural ballbuster, like I am, tease her a bit and see if she responds well. Avoid areas that could bring offense, like her appearance, family, job, or pets. (I once called a woman’s dog a “little rat,” and she almost got up and left.) Stick to less touchy topics like her taste in movies, TV shows, or music.
For a lot more on how teasing can get cute girls chasing you, check out my book, DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T.
My personal favorite!
Teases and compliments are both effective tools. A “push-pull” combines one of each. The positive comment “pulls” her closer to you, while the tease playfully “pushes” her away.
Push: Playfully showing disinterest.
Pull: Showing interest.
Push-Pull: A light, joking comment that blends both. It works because the contrast of the positive and negative creates a compelling, surprising curiosity. It makes the brain happy.
The title of my book is a push-pull: “DATING SUCKS [push] BUT YOU DON’T [pull].) A push-pull gives her an emotionally layered experience. It’s two great tastes that taste great together—the Reese’s Cup of flirting.
Here are some push-pull examples:
Avoid using rehearsed push-pulls; the best ones arise in the moment.
An easy mistake to make is fawning—being too impressed by a woman too quickly. Such comments might include, “You are just so amazing,” “I’ve never met anyone like you,” and “Wow, you are so beautiful!”
Those things are fine to say after you’ve gotten close, but if you lay it on too thick too soon, you can come across as her groupie, not her equal. That’s a big turn-off.
So don’t fawn. Flirt. I define flirting as showing a woman that she’s affecting you but in a casual, no-big-deal way. This makes her feel sexy and attractive, without putting her on a pedestal. Here are examples of being affected by her but not fawning over her.
“Sorry, what did you say? Your lips were distracting me.”
“That dress is very . . . wow. Anyway . . .”
Grab your phone and find a recent text exchange with a good friend. I’ll bet your tone with your pal is relaxed and light, maybe with a joke or good-natured jibe tossed in, right? This is because you’re being authentic, not trying to impress. You want to text a woman the same way, but with a little romantic interest thrown in.
Back in the day, I spent more time in the friend zone than Jerry Rice spent in the end zone.
Adding a dash of cockiness helped me escape. I’m a natural-born smart-ass, but I was hiding that side of me on dates. So when I met Amy on Match, I let that snarky side come out. On our first date, I teased her, accusing her of checking out my (nonexistent) ass.
The next day, I texted, “I just want you to know that you had a great time last night and you’d like to see me again.” She loved it. Our chemistry was like fireworks on the Fourth.
If you have a cheeky side, let women see it. Just make sure you combine cocky comments with humor, or else you can come across as pompous.
A fun way to spike a date is to take an innocent detail about her and pretend—playfully, of course—that it’s a deal breaker.
HER: I’m more of a cat person than a dog person.
YOU: What? No! That’s a deal breaker. I knew you were too good to be true.
HER: No, I like dogs! I just love cats more.
YOU: Sorry, I don’t think I can be with someone who has a coat made of Dalmatians.
HER: [laughing] No, I really do love dogs.
In addition to generating fun banter, giving your date little challenges can make her “chase” you a bit, getting her more invested in winning you over. And it’s a truism that the more invested in something a person is, the more they want that something.
When it comes to “how to talk to girls,” you can “talk” with your eyes.
To dial up the sexual tension, move your eyes in a “7” pattern— that is, from her right eye to her left eye and down to her lips. This will amplify your attraction to her.
Emotions are contagious—what you feel, a woman will feel. If you let yourself get lost in her baby blues, you can transfer the desire that you feel onto her.
“Troublemaker.” “Kiddo.” “Freckles.” Giving a nickname to someone means you know and like them, and it suggests familiarity. The night I met my future girlfriend Carrie, she started calling me “Ginger-Man,” and it made me even more into her. (Damn, this stuff works on me, too!)
I love to misinterpret an innocent comment as “evidence” that my date wants to seduce me. A lot of women love this.
By flipping the male-female dynamic and accusing her of objectifying you, you subtly tell her, “I’m not like those guys.” Also, it takes things from a logical, Friend-to-Friend context to M-W. And it’s just fun.
HER: I recently redid my bedroom . . .
YOU: Listen, I’m not going to bed with you tonight. I know I’m sexy, but we just met, so let’s take it slow.
Look for opportunities to say the kinds of things to women that women always tell horned-up guys. (As a joke! You’re not actually accusing her of anything.) Some examples . . .
“Umm, my eyes are up here.” “Just so you know, I don’t hold hands until the third date.” “Stop trying to kiss me—I’m a gentleman, not a piece of meat.”
We’re hardwired to love stories. So the art of learning how to talk to girls includes sharing good anecdotes from your life.
An interesting personal story makes you more charismatic, holds her interest, and invites her to share her own stories. Here are some storytelling tips.
Follow a three-part structure: setting, conflict, resolution.
Here’s a story from my teenage years that I’ve told on many dates: “I was in study hall in high school [setting] before a geometry test. I knew I wasn’t ready, and if I failed I’d end up in summer school [conflict]. So I went to the nurse and pretended to have back spasms. When my parents came, instead of taking me home, they took me to the hospital for X-rays. And the doctor diagnosed me with scoliosis—for fake back spasms! [resolution]”
Details bring a story to life, making it more vivid. Include lots of specifics.
There’s an old expression: To be interesting, be interested. In a 2017 study, researchers at Harvard found that people who asked questions in one-on-one situations, including first dates, were seen as more likable than those who didn’t ask questions.
On first dates, arm yourself with some good questions. It helps your date open up, helping you learn what makes her special and interesting. This can help you connect over shared experiences. (“What? Your first concert was Coldplay? Mine too!”)
Here are 7 great first-date questions, to help you always know how to talk to girls whom you’ve just met.
This question lets you both talk about work in a positive, emotionally evocative way, rather than boringly asking, “What do you do?”
This allows her to show off a bit while also revealing a secret—and sharing small secrets builds trust on first dates.
Hey, everyone likes talking travel. It’s aspirational, and the two of you might find out you’re both just dying to see Machu Picchu.
This question caters to her ego—and the actress that she chooses will clue you in on how she see herself.
Music is a great first-date topic. Prepare to be impressed when she mentions Beyoncé, or playfully tease her when she admits that it was Nickelback.
Everyone remembers their first kiss. This question takes things in a romantic direction, but also keeps the vibe innocent.
If things are going well and you’re both opening up, feel free to ask this riskier, PG-13 question, which can help spark a sexy vibe. Just be ready to answer your own question!
If you want to learn how to talk to girls, here’s one more tip: Book a free call with me right now. Simply grab a time that works for you, and you and I can hop on the phone. Just go to this link:
If we’re a good fit to work together, I will personally teach you my latest, greatest tips on how to talk to girls, so that you can attract an amazing girlfriend.
Book a free call today! Click here.
NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001