Dating coach Connell Barrett answers your questions on how to get women to chase you, escaping the friend zone, and what to text when a girl goes quiet.
It seems like I’m always the one who’s asking women out, making moves, and chasing after the girls I want to date. I really want to know how do you get women to chase you?
—Charles, 37, Seattle
How to get women to chase you? Simple. Flip the script and make HER the seducer.
This is a fun, effective, win-win technique that shifts the normal “boys chase girls” dynamics, and that lots of women love because it gives them the power.
A great way to do this is to misinterpret an innocent comment as “evidence” that your date wants to seduce you. It's sort of reverse psychology to make her chase you instead of being like every other guy she's talked to. By accusing her of objectifying you, you give her all the agency, and you subtly tell her, “I’m not like those guys.” Also, it takes things from a logical, friend-to-friend context to a romantic, flirty one. And it’s just a blast. For example:
HER: “I recently redid my bedroom...”
YOU: “Listen, I’m not going to bed with you tonight. I know I’m sexy, but we just met, so let’s take it slow.”
Look for opportunities to say the kinds of things to women that women always tell guys. (As a joke! You’re not actually accusing her of anything.) Such as…
Bonus: Some women enjoy this role-reversal so much that they fully commit to the seducer role, insisting that you go back to her place, or that you take her to yours. And, well, it’s just not gentlemanly to say no to a lady.
How do I escape the friend zone? I don’t get many dates, and then I always get that next-day text: “Hey, you’re nice, but I’m just not interested in dating you.” That hurts my confidence.
—Caleb, 23, Nova Scotia
The friend zone has tortured more men than thumb screws. And I feel your pain. I didn’t just live in the friend zone. I was the mayor, and my face appeared on currency.
I had countless first dates that went nowhere, and it sucks to get that “I’m not feeling it” message, especially if you thought the date went well.
So let’s fix that. Here’s how to escape the friend zone on first dates, but also when you’re texting and messaging women or having a video or phone date.
It takes courage, but it’s simple. All you need to do is tell her—in an authentic, real way—something that you find sexy about her.
And I want you to use that word: sexy.
Don’t fake it. Let it arise from a real place. That little voice will tell you, “Wow, she’s so witty or funny or cool. That’s sexy.” Tell her! Yes, even if you’re scared.
This sends her a clear, confident message that lets her know, “I’m not here to be ‘just friends.’ I want more.”
This is who you need to be, OK? A real, authentic man who has the cojones to show his romantic interest in a charming way. This lets her know that you’re interested, and that you have the courage to be real and vulnerable.
If you’re asking, “Won’t this be creepy?” No, not if it’s a QUALITY that you find sexy about her, rather than a part of her body.
Don’t get me wrong: A woman wants to be seen as physically desirable. But complimenting her legs or lips or looks is what most guys do.
You’re gonna be the rare man who sees her inner sexiness, and women love that kind of guy more than I love Broadway show tunes.
So, on your next date, notice her inner hotness—her wit or presence or quirkiness—and say something like, “Wow, I love your [quality]. It makes you super sexy.”
Tell her she’s sexy, and you’ll escape the friend zone once for and for all.
It’s so frustrating. A texting exchange is going great, and then… nothing. Total quiet on her part. I don’t get it! What do I do when a woman I’m messaging with goes quiet?
—Derek, 30, Vancouver
I know, it can make you scratch your head when a woman you’re messaging with just stops replying. Imagine how strange it would be if the same thing happened while you were talking to a cute girl at a bar, and in the middle of the a nice chat this happened.
YOU: “So anyway, how long have you been into skiing?”
YOU: “Did you hear me? We were talking about skiing.”
YOU: “Umm, are you OK? Why aren’t you talking? You’re just staring at me.”
YOU: “Am I on a hidden-camera show, or something?”
It would be weird A.F., right? But this happens ALL THE TIME with messaging and texting.
Why? Well, long story short: An attractive woman has a LOT of dating options, and if she gets distracted by other guys, she might go quiet on you. It’s not personal. It’s just dating in the Tinder Age.
What you don’t want to do is give up after one unreturned text message. Show some persistence, coupled with charm.
First, don’t write anything that sounds needy or try-hard. Don’t write, “Hey, did you get my last message?” or “Hey, do you like me? Should I stop messaging you?” Never send a message that conveys a lack of confidence.
Instead, send her a “value text”—something to make her smile. And it could be a totally different topic from the previous message you sent.
Let’s say you send a woman a message such as, “Hey, how’s your day?” She likely won’t reply because, well, that’s a boring message. It’s a cliché, and it doesn’t offer her anything.
But don’t give up. Remember: Texting is about giving her value. Send her a follow-up message that can make her smile. A meme or a GIF or a link to a song she might like—something of value.
Most guys are sending needy, boring messages that offer nothing. You should be the rare guy who makes her smile and laugh and feel good. And that will keep her writing you back.
Another technique is to simply change the topic. Forget that last, unreturned text message and send her something on a different topic. You might write, “OK, what was the coolest thing you did last weekend?” A new conversational thread shows persistence but not neediness or pushiness.” Bonus: It’s a GOOD question to ask because we all love talking about the cool things we’re doing in life.
Don’t mistake one unreturned message as you being blown-off: Try one or two more times with a “value text”—and notice how often women reply to your charming follow-up text.
Connell Barrett is a NYC dating coach for men. He specializes in actionable advice to help men all over the world find their dream woman. Barrett has also appeared on the Today Show, Access Hollywood, and more. He's also been a guest on many podcasts along with his own podcast on how to get a girlfriend. Connell has a book called Dating Sucks But You Don't, available here.
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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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