Tinder gets a bad rap. “It’s just for hooking up,” I hear. “You can’t find a real relationship on an app.”
Hey, I totally get it. To be sure, Tinder has facilitated more one-night stands than Cuervo Gold. And as a dating coach, I’ve got nothing against a fun fling. (Some guys come to me having had zero dating luck, and a little casual, short-term dating can be just the thing to give a fellow a needed boost of confidence.)
But a LOT of guys—including many of my clients—have used Tinder to make deep connections with amazing women, leading to meaningful relationships, girlfriends… and several engagements.
With this swipe, I thee wed.
Of course, when guys first come to me, their Tinder game lacks much of a spark. They’re swiping until their thumbs go numb and getting poor results. They feel frustrated. They think that online dating just doesn’t work. Or worse, they incorrectly think the problem is their attractiveness as men.
But Tinder is a great way to connect with wonderful women. In fact, it’s my favorite dating app. The user base is huge—50 million members in U.S.—and Tinder logs 1 billion total swipes daily. And it’s simpler, faster and easier to use than other apps, in my opinion.
Most importantly, Tinder works—when you know what to say and how to say it.
So a lot of men ask me, “What do I say on Tinder?”
That’s an important question because there’s a LOT of competition from other guys. Only 43 percent of Tinder users are female, according to SurveyMonkey. That’s nearly a 60-40 guy-girl ratio. Not great odds.
What’s more, according to the company, women swipe-right only 14 percent of the time, compared to men, who approve of 46 percent of the profiles they see.
Something to keep in mind: The more conventionally attractive a woman is, the more she’s inundated with messages from would-be suitors. In one unscientific but telling experiment, a fake Tinder profile featuring an attractive woman’s photo received 236 unsolicited messages in one week.
And I know women on Tinder who get over 1,000 matches in a given week.
So guys struggle NOT because they’re unattractive but because, in part, the competition is intense. It’s easy to get lost in the crowd. Without knowing all the Tinder hacks, good guys get few to zero matches/dates. And they’re left feeling understandably frustrated.
In my Facebook group, How to Be Your Best Self & Get the Girl, I hear it all the time: “Tinder doesn’t work… online dating sucks… girls flake or ghost on me. I give up!”
Don’t give up!
To start seeing dating success on Tinder, a guy has to know what to say and do, and what NOT to say and do.
Now, let me stress something important. A LOT goes into Tinder success. There’s no substitute for personalized expertise. So if you’d like to have me break down your Tinder game, then you’re invited to book a FREE call with me, and we’ll talk.
In the meantime, here’s a quick rundown to help you go from Tinder frustration to Tinder domination.
Catch her attention with a sincere, specific compliment, and then ask a question she hasn’t heard a million times. Again, don’t be generic. (“Hey, you seem awesome… You’re so pretty… Damn, you’re sexy.”) Instead, look at her profile and see what stands out. It can be large or small, as long as it’s specific: the photo of her at Machu Picchu; her flapper outfit on Halloween; her love for Bill Murray. A girl likes to know something about her stood out. So tell her.
A lot of guys make the mistake of being lazy and boring with their opening message. As your personal dating coach, I hereby forbid you from writing ANY variation of “Hello,” including: “Hey!”, “How you?”, “Sup?”, “Whattup, girl?” “Heyyy!” and “How’s your day?” You’ll sound like every other guy, and you’re just wasting your valuable swipes and her valuable time. Now, when you approach a girl in the real world, a simple, “Hi there” can be a great way to start. Why? Because most men don’t approach women, so having the courage to walk over and say hello shows her that you’re confident. Unfortunately, on Tinder, it makes you seem like countless other men, and it makes you look like you put zero effort into your opener. And if you fail to stand out, she’ll swipe-left.
You want to ask her out sooner, rather than later. Most guys wait too long and come across as wishy-washy or tentative. Wait until the first conversation comes to a natural conclusion, and then suggest you take the interaction offline—to each other’s phones, or, say, to Whatsapp.
Don’t send messages that contain egregious misspellings and typos. Women are actually very forgiving in this department, because hey—it’s texting, not your college thesis. Mistakes will happen. But if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” then YOU’RE gonna miss out on dates with intelligent, classy women. I recently checked out a client’s recent text exchanges with a girl who went quiet. She ghosted him after a string of messages that had a half-dozen typos and mistakes. No wonder she blew him off.
Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Being a truth-teller is sexy, and it’s the right thing to do. If you’re between jobs, own it. But you can still make the truth sound awesome. Mention your awesome career ambitions. A client was afraid to tell women that he’s in college. But he’s actually doing something fantastic—changing careers to become a paramedic. He’s gonna spend his life-saving people’s lives. That’s amazing, and a lot of women found that attractive. Oh, and as for your height, if you’re 5’9’’, don’t say you’re 6-feet tall. A man with the courage to be honest and vulnerable is MUCH more attractive than a guy who deceives to conceal his so-called imperfections.
You never want to send a negative message if she goes quiet, “ghosts” you, or decides not to meet up with you. And NEVER write anything negative or disrespectful towards her. Like you, she’s just trying to make a romantic connection while navigating the often scary/confusing dating world. “Rejection” is never pleasant, but it comes with the territory. Besides, it’s really rejection because she doesn’t even know you. Just as you’re not attracted to every woman you interact with, she’s not into every guy. It’s not a value judgment about you. Go bend your bartender’s ear about it, but don’t send her 17 drunken, “butt-hurt” texts. Women are doing their best—just like we are.
If you're ready for some one-on one-training with me, click here to schedule a free call.
Connell Barrett is an acclaimed dating coach for men, helping guys around the world use their authenticity to find the girl of their dreams. He provides dating tips for shy guys and extroverts, and teaches men how to get out of the friend zone. Read more about how to approach women in his book Dating Sucks But You Don't. Click here to chat with Connell directly.
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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
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