Introduction:

Sometimes the deepest relationships can begin in the shallow places.

Connell Barrett:

All right, welcome back to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm your host, Dating Coach Connell Barrett, helping you to gain confidence, flirt with charm, and attract a wonderful girlfriend, all as the authentic you. And this is a very special episode of my podcast because I'm going to share with you maybe the most personal story I can possibly share about a woman I've dated, and I'll get to that in 2 seconds. Stick around to the end, because we're talking about how to date in the MeToo era. And toward the end of the podcast, this episode, I'm going to give you seven mistakes, seven dating mistakes that will get you ghosted if you make these mistakes in the MeToo era. So stick around. I want to make sure you're not doing the kinds of things that can get some guys in trouble. Some guys don't know that they're making some faux paws and mistakes, so stick around. I'm going to give you that, and let's get into it. So I want to tell you about somebody really important to me. I want to tell you about a woman named Alex. Alex actually is the woman I dedicated my book to, and she's an ex of mine. And here's the story because what's really interesting is sometimes the deepest relationships can begin in the shallow places. So Alex and I met in a nightclub in Las Vegas. This was oh, man, this was good. Ten over ten years ago. Yeah, roughly ten years ago. And Alex reminded me of a 40s movie actress. She was blonde, sarcastic, sardonic, wickedly witty. Lauren Bacall could have played her in her life story. And Alex and I met we met in Vegas, and we spent the weekend together, and we hit it off. This was right around the time I was working on my approaching and really getting good at being able to meet women out in the world. We met at a club in Vegas, and so we spent that weekend together. And after Vegas, Alex wanted us to keep dating, and I didn't feel the same at that time. I liked her. I absolutely liked her. But I mainly saw her as a hookup. Basically. She was to me, she was more proof that my dorky dateless former self was gone and that I was this cool, attractive, player type stud. Basically, in my mind, it was like I was hitting a checkbox, like, gorgeous, college coed check, and then it was on to the next girl. So I basically blew her off, and she was hurt, but we remained friendly. We mostly texted wisecracks to each other. She'd love to tease me about our age difference, because when we met, she was in her early twenties. I was in my early forties. And so she'd call me old man and Grandpa, and I would tease her back. So we had a really good banter. And late one winter night, a few months after that hookup weekend happened, late one winter night, she sent me a panicked text, and she wrote to me, connell, something awful has happened. Just the worst thing in the world that could ever happen, she wrote. And my brain went to myself. I was very self involved at that time, and I thought to myself, oh, man, did I get her pregnant, because I was a master at making it about me. Anyway, I called Alex, and she sounded absolutely shattered. She told me that at a bar a couple of nights earlier in the city where she was living at the time, she had run into a man whom she knew, and this man refuted her drink and essentially made Alex semi conscious. And then he took her to a hotel, and he sexually assaulted her. He raped her. I was shocked, almost speechless. I didn't know what to say, other than, I'm so sorry, and I'm here for you whenever you need me. I'd never dealt with to my knowledge, I'd never dealt with a woman or been in a relationship with a woman to my knowledge, I'd never been in a relationship with a woman who was the victim of sexual assault, at least not when I knew her. So, in the months that followed, Alex and I began speaking on the phone a lot. And I did my best, my level best, to try to comfort her through a really unimaginably tough time for her. She had panic attacks. She talked about suicide or had thoughts about suicide. I remember one time, she said we were on the phone late at night, and she said, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. She was saying that through tears. And she said to me once, I just want to stop seeing that night.

I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching yourself. Not sure how to flirt? You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating Coach Connell Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So, book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today@datingtransformation.com. Forward slash contact. And grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh. So you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward, slash contact and transform your love life. Bye.

So I started doing a lot of reading and research about sexual assault, about women's issues. I read an amazing book by a rape survivor named Alice Seabold. And in her memoir called Lucky, Seabold writes, quote, I've always thought that under rape in the dictionary, it should tell the truth. It is not just forcible intercourse. Rape means to inhabit and destroy everything. And Alex had opened a window for me into that destruction. So I began to educate myself about violence against women. I'd always known it was a problem. What I didn't know is just how frequently women all over the world are murdered, raped, assaulted, sold, vanished, abused. It was astounding and obviously appalling. Now, that said, not all of our talks were so raw and intense. As time went on, Alex and I began to joke around a little bit. Things began to get a little bit more routine and normal for her, at least in our conversations. I was trying my best to help her, just not be seen as this woman who was a victim. I wanted to just help her feel normal, and she was there to help me through some tough times as well. She comforted me when my mom died. She comforted me. Then a few weeks later, a few weeks after my mom died, I got laid off from my job at the time as a magazine editor. And I remember the day I got laid off, she texted me, they can't do that. That's discrimination against the elderly. And I hadn't laughed so hard in a month. And so Alex and I had become close friends. We'd become close friends. And there was one night, we were having a Skype call when I actually told her something that had been on my mind. I told her I was sorry for discarding her after our first initial fling, or, I should say, after our fling. And she forgave me. Now, what I didn't come out and say because I didn't want to go there, maybe with her, I wasn't able to be that vulnerable, or maybe something else stopped me. But what I didn't come out and say was I felt ashamed because I felt like, oh, I used her just for her body. And that makes me a little too much like what her rapist had done. Now, me using Alex, essentially, as a notch in my belt was very different than what happened to her, because everything between us was 100% consensual. But that's where my mind went. I just felt like, Damn, I used her. Her rapist used her. I used her. I felt really ashamed about that. And there was another Skype call one evening where Alex's blue eyes? I remember she has these gorgeous big blue eyes, very warm, very alive, and her eyes just seemed extra sad that night. And therapy had been really grueling for her. And she told me how she was talking about new memories from the assault that had returned. She said, oh, they're just awful things. And her distant tone really scared me because I thought back to those suicidal comments she had made. And I said, hey, are you okay? I asked. And she said no. And her voice regained a little bit of steel. She said no, I'm not okay. But I will be. She was so wounded, yet she was so strong. I just loved the way she said it. I was so impressed by what she said. No. But I will be. And that's the moment I knew I was in love. So fast forward to next summer. We were both unattached and I told Alex that I wanted to visit her. So we spent the better part of three days together exploring her city on the west coast. And we just seemed to fit so well together. And I remember on the last night of my trip, it was a 4 July trip in her town. And I remember last night we went to bed together for the first time since we had met several years earlier. This time though, cuddling only meant there was no sex. And now at this point, I'd been with a lot of women, but just holding my best friend in my arms that night was the most romantic night of my life. And you know you're in love when a sleeping woman drools on you and you find it adorable. I was like, Ah, Alex is drooling on me. I love this. That's when you know you're in love. So we waited actually three more months to become intimate. When it finally happened, we held hands a lot. I took care not to brace her wrists because I didn't want her to feel restrained. I kept asking a few times, is it okay if I dot dot, dot? Is it okay if I do this? Is it okay if I always get her consent? And it's funny, I always thought that the phrase making love was just a cheesy euphemism for sex. But this time with Alex, I now understood the meaning. And to me, the meaning is that every atom in you is focused on the other person feeling safe, loved and desired. And soon after, I told her I was in love. So we had begun a long distance relationship, so we kept meeting in each other's town or meeting halfway. And soon after I told her I was in love with her now because I'm a man and sometimes an idiot, the words came out during a moment of passion. And Alex found this cliche to be hilarious. She's like I remember after I told her, she basically said, of course you say that to me while you're inside of me? You're such a cliche, she said with a laugh. She was laughing about it. And then she added, very sweetly, she said, look, I'm not ready to say it back, but if you want to keep saying it to me, that would be okay. And that really melted me, the idea that she couldn't say it to me, but she really wanted to hear it and she loved hearing it. There's a Paul Simon song and the lyrics are some people never say the words I love you, but they're longing to be told. And that's Alex. That really touched me. So a couple months later, unfortunately, our relationship ended pretty abruptly. It actually ended over New Year's that year. And actually it was near the anniversary of her assault. And she basically said to me, look, I can't be with anybody right now. She said, I feel like I'm a piece of shit person and I have to figure stuff out. And I had suspected that having a long distance relationship that living 3000 miles apart might be the thing that stood in the way of our relationship working. But that wasn't the only thing in our way. It's kind of like there were 3000 more miles between the way Alex once saw herself and the way she saw herself now. Because how can you fall in love when you feel unlovable again? Like a Seabold writes in that book, lucky rape means to destroy everything. So I told her she's a wonderful person and that I would be her friend forever. And those are both totally true things. And it's been, gosh, about five years since our breakup. We are not currently in touch. Sometimes we are. We have not been for a long time. But the last time I was in touch with her, she was in a good place. And she essentially gave me permission a while back to share this story with people like you. So I'm sharing this story with her permission. Anyway, Alex awakened a very deep empathy for women that was nascent in me. She helped to awaken that for me. And she also helped me to become a lot less. And I wish, I so wish it had not taken an unspeakable act of violence to open my eyes. But I'm very grateful to you, Alex, for that clarity. So just to put a final thought on this story, what women want from men is authenticity. What they need from men is empathy. When a man starts dating a woman, rejection is pretty much the worst thing that can happen. Pretty much what can happen to a woman is much worse. Eight out of ten women have experienced sexual harassment. About 20% of women are victims of date rape at some point in their lives. And there's about a one in four chance that the next single woman you meet was sexually abused as a child. So it's important to keep connected to this empathy. The Greeks have a concept called eros. Eros is romantic and sexual love. They also have a concept called agape. I think I'm pronouncing that correctly. Agape. A-G-A-P-E. Agape is a higher selfless, unconditional love and compassion for all people. So besides enjoying eros with a given woman, a radically authentic man, cultivates agape for all women and people in general. There's a Ted Talk I love by a guy named Tony Porter. He's an activist and a men's activist. And he has a great quote in his Ted Talk. Tony Porter says, I need you with me, talking to men. Men need to know that it's okay to promote equality, that it's okay to have women who are just friends, and that it's okay to be whole. So, yes, I want you to feel confident in your worth. I want you to get a great relationship, a great girlfriend. That's why I do this podcast. That's why I wrote my book. That's why I became a coach. It's to help you and men like you find love and connection and be authentic and be your best self. But I also want you to know.

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book, dating Sucks, but You Don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Connell Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks. But you don't. So that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive. Even if you're not tall or great looking, always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find dating sucks, but you don't. On Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback. Kindle and audiobook dating sucks. But you don't. Today, to transform your confidence and find your dream girl, that is the litmus test.

For being a man is not how good you are with women, it's how good you are to women. Okay, let's finish up with those seven mistakes that so many men make in dating that you do not want to make. Here we go. Here are the seven things never to do. These will get you ghosted. Here we go. Number one, you never want to refer to a woman as, quote, crazy with all her drama. So especially when talking about an ex, don't ever refer to your crazy ex with all her drama. That will get you ghosted. That sends a woman a red flag that you think women are all just drama creatures, okay? Don't talk about the crazy ex with, quote, all her drama. Number two saying, oh, but really, what did Louis CK do? Or did Woody Allen do that wrong? So defending men who have committed misconduct no bueno. Another mistake that'll get a guy ghosted in the MeToo era is not going down on the woman you're dating if she wants you to or not making sure she's sexually satisfied. So make sure that you are doing your best to be a giving lover. The fourth mistake that'll get a guy ghosted in the MeToo era is doing things like talking down to a waiter, to a server or bartender, treating service people like they're less than women. Notice that. So don't do it. Beware everybody's equal. Treat everybody like they're no better, no worse than you. Next, Telling a woman to smile. This is an old school thing. I doubt many men do this as much today, but I still hear it from time to time. Women were not put here to make us smile, so don't tell a woman to smile. The 6th mistake dating mistake that guys make that can get themselves ghosted is calling a woman defensive or emotional or hysterical. It's very chauvinistic. And one other thing that you want to avoid is talking over a woman dominating the conversation. Basically, every so often I'll get a client who, early on, I can tell that he talks to women. He tries to dominate the conversation. Some of this probably comes from the whole pickup artist world of spit games with women. Be an alpha male. That is not the way to talk to anybody. But women hate it. So yeah, avoid talking over dominating the conversation. So those are the seven dating mistakes that will get a guy ghosted in the MeToo era. You probably don't do most, if not all of these, but if any of those resonated with you, cut that shit out. Okay? Thank you so much for listening to part two of How to Date in the MeToo Era, part two of two podcast episodes. I'll see you next time. And remember, your future girlfriend is already out there and she already likes you. She just has to meet the real, authentic you.

Till next time, thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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