Connell Barrett:

Now you might be saying, Connell, you're crazy, of course, to which I reply, dude, Why are you talking to a podcast? I can't hear you.

Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I am your host, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you gain confidence, learn to flirt. always know what to say and get a great girlfriend, all by being truly radically authentic. In other words, no creepy pickup lines, not being boring, being your most authentic and confident self. And today, we're gonna do Another episode where we bust some dating myths. A lot of guys really liked the last episode where I punctured 567 top dating myths. And several of you in my Facebook group, and I got some emails that said, more. What are some more things I'm doing wrong? Because you wanna know what you're doing wrong. I had so many blind spots when I first got into this. And if you're making mistakes, like, if you're not flirting correctly, you'll get stuck in the friend zone. Right? If you're not, if you're not having the kind of compelling flirtatious but still authentic conversations with women, They might like you as a person, but they lose interest romantically. And if you're basically falling into some traps like, oh, no. I need to be an alpha male. I need to be a bad boy, and that's not who you are, it's gonna hurt your dating results. So here's part 2 of some dating myths I would like to puncture for you. And here we go. It's pretty simple. Myth number 1 is a big one. A really big one. And the myth is that women put men in the friend zone. That's a myth, though. The truth is that men, we do it to ourselves. Women don't put guys in the friend zone as men, we do it to ourselves by treating women like platonic pals. Basically, we talk to a woman like we're friends, or like we're seeking their approval and hoping they like us instead of speaking to them as a man, talks to a woman on a date or in a romantic context, and there's a different way a man talks to a woman when he's romantically interested. And let me let me put it this way. Think of it as being there's really only 3 channels of communication we have in all of our social interactions other than your family, other than people who are your relatives, there's really only 3 kinds of social interactions. The first is friend to friend, the way you talk and communicate with your friends or people who are friendly acquaintances. The second is let's call that business, patreon patreon slash business communication. In other words, the social interactions you have with people you work with, that's different from the way you interact with your friends. The way you talk with your boss or if you're the boss the way you talk to your employees, there's a business context here. So that's channel number 2. Channel number 1 is friend to friend. Channel number 2 is business slash patron business. You're buying sneakers, and the girl comes up to help you. choosing out shoes. That's a business context. And the 3rd frequency, the 3rd channel of communication we have in the world, is if you are a straight single man is man to woman. Man to woman communication. That's a turbocharged form of flirting. where the frame, the context, what you say, and how you say it lets this woman know, hey, You're a woman. I'm a man. I'm flirting with you. I'm attracted to you. Or or I'm just giving off good, strong, healthy, masculine energy. and you're receiving it from that feminine place. So those are the 3 channels. The reason why guys get stuck in the friend zone It's not because women look at you and say, I'm not attracted to you. You're just my friend. It's that we communicate. You communicate with women in a way that makes them feel like, oh, he's trying to be my friend, so I guess I'll be his friend. In other words, we don't flirt. We don't take chances. We don't say risky romantically risky things. We don't express ourselves in an emotionally compelling way. So basically what happens is maybe you go on a date or maybe you have a crush on a woman, but you talk to her on that friend to friend channel. instead of talking to her on that man to woman channel. So, anyway, that's how that's the cliff notes version of how and why we get stuck in the friend zone as we do it to ourselves. That's the myth. We women don't do it to you. She doesn't friend zone you. You friend zone yourself. Take it from me. I made every dating mistake a guy could make back when I had to fix my dating problems. That's how I became a dating coach. It was the first time I fixed all these myself. So what is the move? What's a practical tip you can apply? on your next date or your next conversation with a woman? Well, one simple one is to get comfortable teasing women, pulling her proverbial pigtails. A lot of women enjoy it when a guy teases her. It's a playful way of saying, hey, I like you.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach, Conor Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy called Today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connel or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic, romantic connections. Your next steps: Book your free call today at datingtransformation.comforward/contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, Soon Connell will stop taking on new So book a call today while you still can. Go to dating transformation .com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye.

Sort of like in in grade school when you would tease or punch in the shoulder or pull the pigtails of the Pretty girl in class. Now the art of teasing, the trick here is to tease her less is more, but tease her if you're gonna do it, tease her for silly light trivial things. nothing she would actually take personally. Right? So, like, let's say it's 10 minutes into your date. And or I should say 10 minutes. She's 10 minutes late for your date. And you could send her a text message before she's you know, she texts you and say, hey. I'm I'm I'm not there yet. but I'll be there soon. I'm running late. And you might text back. Oh, hey. No worries. But just so you know, you owe me a drink for every minute you're late. and I like the good stuff, wink. So you're you're teasing her a little bit, or let's say, you're talking about your favorite movies. And she says, oh, my favorite movie is legally blonde. And you think, what legally blonde? I mean, okay. It's okay, but I can't I can't believe that's your favorite movie. You know what? You just lost 5 points. Why do I always meet the cute girls with terrible taste in movies? So you're teasing her for her movie taste, not something about her as a person. Right? You never wanna tease tease her about things relating to looks, weight, personality traits that kinda get to the core of who she is. Oh, you don't seem intelligent. No. No. No. No. No. Don't do that. Don't do nagging. What I'm talking about here is not nagging in that old creepy pickup artist nonsense from 15 years ago, I'm talking about giving her the gift of banter and letting her know, hey, I'm teasing you. Just like I'm pulling your pigtails. Do you wanna tease me back? And that can spark some nice banter. It also sends that message to say, hey. I'm not here as your buddy as your friend, I'm here to tease banter, Spar, and that can help to spark those those nice connections. Okay. Next myth is this 1. your that your conversational skills must be amazing. You have to say amazing, funny, witty, cool things. That's a myth. The truth is you can lower the conversational bar. You don't need to be the wittiest guy on the block. to get a woman into you. In fact, trying to up your game with amazing verbs and straining to be clever and charismatic, that just can create tension in you. And it can make you come across as very try hard and authentic, straining to impress. By the way, don't get me wrong. I'm totally fine with being witty, funny, and clever. One of my dating superpowers is on my better days, my wit, my verbal abilities to flirt and tease and joke, but I'm not gonna try hard to do it. I'm just gonna let it arise. So lower your conversational bar. How do we do that? Quick one quick simple tip is a mindset tip. This is hard for this one might be hard for you to do, but give it a try or at least consider it. be borderline boring. I'm not saying try to be boring in the sense of just having absolutely literally nothing to say. But walk up to the edge of just being really chill, relaxed, and quite unquote boring. What feels boring to you is not gonna feel boring to her. Because remember, you're talking to a girl. You're talking to a woman, you're on a date, you're having a chat, you're not giving a TED Talk. You're not doing a stand up comedy routine. You're not trying to impress her. Lower the bar for how good your word choice needs to be. Do you strain to be clever and conversationally amazing with your friends? Do you Get in your head about what to say when you're talking to your best pal. No. I imagine you don't. So why are you doing it with women? So lower your bar for how good you think your conversational skill set has to be. Don't strain to be funny, clever, witty, amazing. Paradoxically, when you lower the bar, this actually will improve your conversational flow because by relaxing, you're letting your natural, authentic, best clever, most charismatic side arise. So paradoxically, you might actually start saying the funny, witty, flirty cool things because the pressure's off. Right? When fear, when the pressure's off, when that straining need to be clever goes away, Paradoxically, you actually start to become more clever and wittier and funnier. But it comes across really naturally. as opposed to here's the cool, clever line that I wrote 5 minutes ago, or I thought it would be funny to say. Anyway, okay. Next myth is that Sex equals happiness. But that in other words, that getting success with women is about getting laid, and that's bullshit. fulfillment comes from growing. As a man, growing into that best authentic man you can be, and from giving to other people as you grow. Right? It's about growing and giving. There's a guy I know. from back in the days when I was working with pickup artists and getting lessons from all these pickup guys. This guy is hooked up with more than, man, 500 some women. I forgot the number. He told me once, like, oh, yeah. 573. And he's still miserable. Because for him, sex is not a form of connection, and it's not a form of love. It's a form of ego candy. He's doing it for temporary physical satisfaction. He's actually doing it for ego and short term physical satisfaction. Basically, he's so wounded from his days of being rejected back when he was much younger that he needs sex as a way to make him feel more confident, make him feel more significant. So, yeah, Don't fall into that trap. Sex is wonderful. Sex is great. Whether you want to have been dating more than one woman and playing field, having sex with multiple women. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you do it. morally, ethically, use protection, or if you just want if you're a one woman guy, please know that sex itself is not gonna bring happiness and fulfillment to you. fulfillment comes from growing into the best man you can be and giving 2 women as your best authentic self. Okay. Next, Oh, so sorry. I forgot the practical tip for that one. Basically, you wanna just take daily action to grow into that most radically authentic version of you and really give to women from your soul's depths. k? I don't mean to duplicate and be somebody and do anything a woman wants you to do. But I am saying make it about what makes her smile, what makes her happy. Not not happy at the cost of your happiness, but, like, when I'm with my girlfriend, Jess, I'm constantly check not constantly. I'm checking checking in with myself consistently saying, how can I make her smile? I love her. How do I make her smile? How do I make her day better? How do I make her feel special? because she is so special to me because I want her to meet feel like all of her emotional needs are being met by me, at least all the ones that I'm able to meet. Okay. The next one's a big one. I'm psyched to talk about this myth. The myth that women love alpha males. Women love alpha males. That is a big, big myth, bullshit. The truth is that alpha males are not even a thing. They don't even exist. I remember being in a a Vegas conference room once. with this pickup artist, guys, seminar. And there is no drenched content in this video drenched conference room. This this pick up guy was strutting on the stage, and he was talking about being dominant, alpha male, and he had this lame catchphrase. And he said, the alpha male gets all the tail. It was like, Johnny Cochran saying, if it doesn't fit, you must acquit. It was so cringe. So, yeah, there's a big myth that Alpha males are what women want. But here's a problem. Here's the problem with that. Alpha males aren't a thing. They literally don't exist. It's actually a myth in the animal world. So the idea of the alpha male first gained credence way back in the seventies. And this was when a wildlife biologist by the name of L David Mesh. I bell Mac. Mac or mesh, m e c h. I forget how he pronounces it. This biologist was doing work in the world of wolves. He's a wolf expert. And he published a book that documented the existence of Alpha Wolves in the wild. And a couple decades later, he tried to duplicate his findings, but he couldn't. And he was really horrified when he couldn't reproduce his findings about Alpha Wolves. And it turns out what he realized was that the alpha quote unquote alpha behavior he thought he had observed was simply mom and dad wolves caring for their little pups. So Mac renounced his original findings, but by then, it was too late. What happened was the myth of the Alpha Wolf, the Alpha male had become cemented in conventional wisdom. And it's also informed so much bad dating advice. So just so please know there is no concrete scientific evidence at all. about the so-called alpha males getting to mate with all the women. So that's the pickup artist bullshit myth is that, oh, be an alpha male. Women want the alpha. It's not true in humans. It's not true in any animals. You can Google this, do some research. Don't take a dating coach's word for it. Do some research. So for example, our closest relatives are the chimpanzees. And studies show that the aggressive chimp does not become the group leader, and that actually, often smaller, more docile chimp become dominant in the community because they're com because they're completing more tasks, some feminine tasks, like grooming other chimps. Another example from the animal kingdom is another close biological relative of ours are Bonobos. Their bonobos are apes that live in a matriarchical society. And fun fact, by the way, bonobos and humans are the only species that French kiss. Fun fact. Yeah. I think that's funny. But only humans and bonobos, French kisses. I'm pretty sure my dad is part bonobo based on the way I kiss. Anyway so in bonobo society and also chimpanzee societies. What we've actually found is that the alpha does not have any kind of advantage over non alpha so called alpha chimpanzees. So now don't get me wrong. there are absolute it's absolutely vital that you at times assert yourself. Traits like assertiveness, courage, boldness are absolutely essential in dating. I tell a whole story in a different podcast, and my book actually starts with a story about me having to make a very assertive move at a bar with a woman who these 3 Wall Street guys were trying to steal the girl I was with away from me, and I had to make an assertive move to steal her back. So absolutely there are moments when you're gonna have to show some strength. but the idea of alpha male behavior is just terrible. It's bullshit. it's a problematic myth, you know, at worst at worst alpha male behavior Stifles growth and encourages men to basically be beta males. Right?

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best selling book. Dating sucks, but you don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach, Donald Barrett, has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks, but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find dating sucks, but you don't, on Amazon. or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audio books. Get dating sucks, but you don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl

And at best, it just leads to wearing a body spray. Okay? You don't wanna be an alpha male. So drop the alpha mask and just understand that it doesn't work. Yes. There are times when you're gonna have to man up. Right? There are times when you gotta make a move, go for that first kiss, say the romantically flirtatious thing, but studies show that non-alpha qualities like kindness and generosity are the key indicators of a fulfilling relationship. And women are looking for a man who has that combination of authentic value and strength but also kindness and generosity. Don't overlook that. Ignore the alpha male myth. And another big myth I wanna talk about today is this myth that rejection is bad. That rejection is somehow bad or it's something you should be afraid of. That's a big myth. The truth is that rejection is necessary, and not only is it necessary, but rejection is good for you. This is the biggest, baddest myth of all because it causes so many problems. This idea that Rejection is painful. It sucks. It's devastating. And it can feel that way. I mean, my book is called dating sucks because rejection can suck. Right? You take a chance with your heart, you ask a girl out, you send that flirty text, and then you get turned down, or you get ghosted or unnatural. or she says, hey. You're a good guy, but I'm just not feeling the spark. However, that can hurt, and that can feel wounding. But what causes that pain is not rejection itself. It's how you interpret it. You're giving it a painful meaning. you're turning it into evidence that you're not attractive to quality attractive women. Because you see all men and actually all people in general, really, They all wanna feel special. Right? We're all put on this earth, and we're wired to want to feel special and important. And this is a driving force that's hardwired into our psyche. It's why as men, it's why we climb mountains, or pump iron or get a 6 pack 6 pack abs or make $1,000,000, it's so we can feel special. Hell, part of the reason I launched this podcast is it kinda feels cool to say, hey. I got a cool podcast. I feel special. Part of the reason I wrote a book is so I can say, yo bitches. I'm an author. Check me out. It makes me feel cooler and special. We all want that. And one of the ways And one of the most powerful ways as men that we can feel special and important is through dating, specifically through the validation from the right woman how that can feel. It can feel intoxicating. Right? It can help you realize that you're special, that you're enough that there's nothing and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel like you're enough. But when you get rejected, quote unquote, it can make you doubt that worth. Makes you feel less special. And what you do is you misinterpret that as a sign that you're not attractive, not good enough, and then you extrapolate. because, hey, if you're not attractive to women, you're not enough, then maybe you won't be able to give or receive love, and that's heavy stuff. So viewing rejection through this lens, that's what turns any romantic risk. such as approaching a cute girl at a party or a bar turns that romantic action, that romantic risk, not into a small social risk, which it is, but it turns it into judgment day for your worth as a man. judgment day. And so you probably don't take the kinds of romantic risks that you want to, at least not with the kinds of women you're drawn to, because rejection would really cut deep, make you feel unattractive. less of a man. And if you do take a chance, if you do say approach that really pretty girl, which I hope you do. I want you to. If you're so afraid of rejection, it's gonna be really hard for you to relax and be your best self. and that'll interfere with your interaction with her, make you less confident, and it'll probably lead to rejection so it becomes a vicious downward spiral. So, how do we fix this? Here's the move I want you to make. It's a mindset shift. And, bro, this can change everything. This can change everything. I want you to see rejection through new eyes. See it through new eyes. So when I take a client out, what I do in my coaching is I take guys out in New York City once or twice a month, and we go out on the town, and I'm their wing man. It's called the wing man, get the digits weekend. A whole weekend of guys approaching women with me getting numbers, getting dates, having breakthroughs, making out with girls. It's crazy. It's fun. It's amazing. It's life changing. And so when I take guys out to do this, often I start that night. I start the demonstration by approaching women and I want him to see me approach, and I also want him to see me getting rejected. I want him to see women saying, No. Thanks. Ginger man. Not interested. And sometimes I'll sometimes have my client choose a very scary approach situation. Like, let's say there's a, like, a large group of girls on the dance floor, and I'll say, hey, what's the hardest approach situation you see? and he'll point to all these girls on the dance floor. And I'll go in, and I'll talk to the cutest one. And I often not always, but I often get rebuffed. Now, I don't do this because I'm a masochist. I do it because I want my client to see That rejection is not something to fear. It's just part of the process. k? It's a feature, not a bug. That's right. Rejection is a feature. It's actually required. You can't approach women and not get turned down from time to time. You can't get Tinder matches without getting ghosted sometimes. You can't go for kisses and have fun, sexy first dates where you're making out. You're all over each other. You can't have that without sometimes getting a woman to turn the cheek and say, oh, no. Thanks. It's all part of putting yourself out there. So what if? I have a big what if question for you. What if you saw a rejection as painless. What if you were immune to it? What if you just gave fewer fucks? What would that be like? Think about that. What if what if projection was just gone? I should say the idea of it just vanished. then I would suggest to you, you could be free. Right? You could be totally free. You could take bold new actions. The stakes would feel lower. You could see that stunning, beautiful model type woman at Starbucks. and break the ice with her. And if it went great, guess what? Your life just changed. You're now going on a date with absolute beauty. And if she did not wanna go on a date with you, it's not rejection. Right? Or it is rejection or it is being rebuffed, but it's just a girl saying, hey. Thanks, but no. Thanks. But nothing to feel really rejected about. So I want you to. I want you to try to see rejection for what it is, which is just no no biggie. A woman's rejection is not not evidence of your worth or importance. It's just evidence that she's not interested. Right? Like, maybe you're very attractive, but just not her type. So rejection means next to nothing. You can brush it off. Like, think of it the way like, imagine you went to brunch. and you asked the hostess for a really good brunch table. And she said, oh, sorry. We don't have anything right now. We're not gonna be able to help you. She just rejected you, but you don't take that personally. You just take it as, okay. I'm not dining in this. I'm not having brunch here today. Same with a woman who doesn't wanna date with you or rejects your approach or when the Delta ticket agent quote unquote rejects your request for a business class upgrade. Look at dating rejection the same way. Your worth is not on the line. It's not personal. Now you might be saying, Connell, you're crazy. Of course, rejections, personal, to which I reply, dude, why are you talking to a podcast? I can't hear you. But my point is, The truth is a woman who barely knows you can't truly reject you. Now if your long term girlfriend sits you down and says, hey, bro, I don't love you anymore. I've never had an orgasm with you, and I'm leaving you for Fabio. Okay. That is rejection. Alright? I'll meet you at the bar. I'll have a drink with you, and I'll help you drown your sorrows. But if a woman you barely know blows you off, then she's probably just saying to you, hey. I like the Beatles and you're the stones. and there's no shame there because the stones fucking rock. Anyway, Cool. Well, those are the myths we've busted today. If you have any dating myths you want me to talk about or things you wanna know, hey. Is this a myth, or is this the truth? Feel free to shoot me an email. My email is connell@datingtransformation.com. c0nnell@datingtransformation.com. Shoot me an email. And I'll see you next time. And remember, gorgeous, cool, bright, beautiful, wonderful women. They already like you. They just have to meet the authentic you. I'll see you next time.

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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