Intro:

Think charm, not smart. That's going to be my platform if I ever run for president. Think charm, not smart.

Connell Barrett:

Alright. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, get lots of dates, and attract an amazing girlfriend, and do it all by being radically authentic. no creepy pickup artist moves, no need to take her to your seduction location. and execute moves. It's all about showing your real best awesome self. And this week on the pod, we're gonna do one of my favorite things, which is a little thing I call, ask the dating coach. I get a lot of questions from y'all, And I like to take out the time about once a month to answer some of your biggest problems, biggest questions. because if you're like a lot of guys, you struggle with things like how to flirt. What should I say? I'm not sure how to message women. I'm not sure how to text them. How do you approach it? And, anyway, I like to just take it one question at a time. and let's get to it. Here we go. Let's start with, let's open up the mail bag, which I wish I had a mailbag sound effect or a mailbox sound effect. Here's the question from Harold. Harold's a thirty five year old in New York City. who asks, hey, Connell. I'm having a dating problem. when I get a woman's number on the dating apps, I'm getting a lot of women's numbers on the dating apps, but when I do, she almost always goes quiet. And she says, or she's losing interest as we tack. It's very frustrating to have good matches go nowhere. How do I flirt better over text? Okay. Great question. Harold. and I totally feel you. it really stings to finally get a match on hinge, on Bumble, on whatever app it is, and you're excited about her, And then you get a phone number, which is another great feeling. It's like, oh my gosh. This woman just gave me her phone number, and then you start texting Either on the app or perhaps you start texting on each other's phones, and then she goes quiet. You get that so close, but so far feeling. So to help you stop getting ghosted and start getting more dates, here are a few quick tips. I'm gonna give you some do's and don'ts. Before I do, first, I just wanna define what flirting is. Like, what is flirting? What does that even mean? My definition of flirting is flirting playfully and charmingly conveying your interest, your romantic interest in a woman, in a very light, but clear manner. Light and clear, and, of course, not vulgar. What's the difference between friendly and flirty? Friendly and flirty have a big overlap. because, of course, you're gonna be friendly as you flirt with a girl, whether it's in person or by text, but you wanna make that interest clear. We wanna give women the gift of clarity. I talk a lot in my book and on the podcast about what's called man to woman communication. Amanda woman communication is basically talking to communicating with women in a way that lets it be clear that you're interested. and that you talk to her in a way that ignites the good feminine feelings we want a woman to feel. while you are being authentic and masculine and genuine and just kinda saying, hey. I'm a man. You're a woman. Let's make this happen if we're both into it. So the first rule of flirting is clarity combined with a light playfulness and, of course, a non vulgarity aspect. and the great news is these days you can text using your words. You can text in a lot of ways. Right? You can use your words. You can use your voice using voice notes, obviously, you can send photographs. I don't mean dick pics, unless she requests it explicitly. but I'm talking about photos of you doing something cool, emojis. We have so many tools that make flirting a lot easier than it ever used to be. how many men try to flirt, but they either fawn over their crush, Meaning, they kind of gush and put her above them. Like, oh my god. You're so beautiful. You're so amazing. That's a mistake you don't wanna make. or other guys just come across as merely friendly, but not putting that clear romantic authentic interest on the table. So they boringly rely on cliches. Like, hey. How's your day? How are you? And those are ineffective strategies. So those are the don'ts. Well, those are some of the don'ts. So let me share a handful of do's and don'ts. for Harold to help him flirt better over text, help you flirt better over text. So some do's and don'ts. First, do make your interest clear. You want your crush to know that you're flirting with her and not to confuse it with mere friendliness.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating Coach, Connell Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy called today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self. so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps, book your free call today at datingtransformation.com/contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, So you know, soon, Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to dating transformation.com Act and Transform your Life. Because if she doesn't know you're flirting, then guess what? It won't be effective. she'll get confused. It's the difference between writing. I can't stop thinking about you. as opposed to, hey. I was just thinking about you. Right? I might tell my sister. I was just thinking about you. I would not tell my sister I can't stop thinking about you, not without her wondering, are you okay, Connell? So make your interest clear. Now, cleverness is a nice bonus. A lot of guys wanna flirt in a very funny way, which I can certainly help you with, but clarity comes first. Clarity before clever. So when in doubt, just say to somebody something simple and clear, like, hey, by the way, I'm really liking you. I'm enjoying our conversation. You're really sweet. You're really adorable. or, hey. You know what's really attractive about you? It's the way you blank. I remember I matched with a woman on Bumble back, it was right after the pandemic ended. It was my first time feeling sorry. My second post pandemic date And we were just having a really fun flirty back and forth. And I said, hey, by the way, I just love flirting with you. You're really funny. I love the way you text. You give good text. And she responded with, like, 5 heart eye emojis. So, yeah, put that. Make that romantic interest clear. Make that romantic interest clear. Play a card, play a clear card. Don't hold those cards close to your vest. Okay. That's a do. Here's a don't. Don't use boring openers. if we're talking about online dating. Most women are tired of hearing, hi. Hey. How's your day? and the like as openers. So avoid lazy cliches. The best openers are personalized, and The best openers also give her something in a sense, like a joke, a compliment, a fun, interesting question that she wants to answer. The biggest game changing tip I can give you for texting in general especially for openers is make your text mess make your text messages, something that gives her a smile or seeking to give her a smile. You're seeking to make her interested, smile, laugh, maybe create curiosity and, you know, get her to spark some curiosity in her mind. Think of it as giving value, giving something that engages her as opposed to how's your day? So instead of how's your day, think about, I don't know, like, how did you name your dog? Or If she's a wine expert, you could say, oh, since you're a wine expert, I'm curious. What's your favorite wine bar? and why? Yeah, cliches kill chemistry. So keep things light and personalized. and that will help you make things make sparks fly and personalized towards her in a way that will hopefully make her smile. Okay. Another thing is don't get too sexual too soon. Early on, you wanna keep your text messages g rated. or maybe PG, depending on your personality and your flirting style. Getting too sexual too soon can come across as vulgar.

So think charm and not sma smarm. Think charm, not smarm. that's gonna be my my platform if I ever run for president. Think charm, not smart. yeah. What's g rated? Hey. You're adorable. You're so cute. Oh my god. I'm so I'm so glad we matched. You seem really cool. PG would be something like, woah. you look incredible. You look sexy af in that outfit, or you have incredible style. You just made my iPhone melt. PG would be, I like this one. PG would be, let's, you know, let's let's say the girl has a really cute bikini shot, be like, hey, Jessica. damn. That pick of you on the beach, you just melted my iPhone. You owe me $1200. Venmo or PayPal. So now you're adding you're you're conveying your sexual interest, but you're not you're doing it with innuendo. but not with vulgarity. Okay. next tip, do playfully tease her. playfully tease your crush. Text that playfully tease a woman can absolutely amplify the sparks. like, think of think of the Smith and school boy who pulls the pigtails of the girls he of the girl he likes. Right? Now the secret with teasing is you wanna tease her about small light topics that she would not get upset about. So think like, oh, her favorite foods, her favorite movies, you might say, like, what? Your favorite movie ever is pirates of the Caribbean? Oh my god. I was I was really liking you till you said that. I didn't realize you're a a Johnny Depp fan. I I might have to ghost you now. LL smiley face. So that tease, basically, you're saying playfully, you're saying your movie choices mean you're not somebody I want to date, but it's a 100% of joke Okay? You are not at any moment trying to make her think you actually feel that. It's a 100% of a tease. And it again, it has to be crystal clear. If a woman thinks you're actually saying, hey. I don't wanna date you. you watch you you like the pirates of the Caribbean, then you're gonna hurt her feelings, and she's gonna bounce. So, again, when you're teasing that universal rule is clarity comes first, make it clear it's a joke or a tease. When in doubt, if you're cracking a joke, make an LOL, ups, you know, laughing emoji. k? This will take practice. By the way, it's okay to mess up a little bit. clarity comes first, cleverness comes. distant third at best. oh, a quick p s on how to tease. So we wanna tease about surface level behavioral things, not more core issues about them as a person. Never tease her about potential sore spots, like her weight, her physical appearance, her pets, again, unless you make it crystal clear That it's a joke. I would never wanna tease a woman about her looks. Almost never, unless it's an ironic kind of text. Like, let's say she's just a total lights out, model bikini clad runway walk stunner. And there's a photo where you say, oh, hey. Wow. You look terrible in this photo. I give you a 2 out of 10. Even that, make sure she knows it's a joke. But, there are some exceptions to that rule, but, basically, you wanna totally avoid things like looks. The pet waits for her weight. Sorry. that'll backfire. I remember, I had a client once who accidentally or he was too harshly teasing a girl about her dog. Her dog's appearance, he compared it to, like, rodent and it killed the vibe. Because think about it. A girl's dog is like her little child. He was basically saying you had a hideous child. So he meant well, but it was he was joking about something that had a deeper meaning to her. So tease about surface level things. some more do's and don'ts about texting. Do use photos. A picture is worth a thousand words. Right? And the right flirty picture is worth 1000 texts. A picture is worth a 1000 words and the right flirty picture is worth a 1000 texts. Visuals resonate more than words. Right? So sending the right photo can make a really good impact. You know? that's gonna catch her eye more than the perfect words would. Right? So maybe you got a cool tattoo, right, or maybe you're texting about tattoos. She's got cool tattoos. And you have a tattoo you're proud of, take a selfie of your tattoo. take a selfie of your tattoo and say, hey. I thought I think my my tat beats your tat. My tattoo kicks your tattoos, but, or maybe, I don't know, you're at a cool venue. Right? You're doing something really cool. Like, you're at a beach, you're on a boat, you're at a cool classy lounge with an amazing view, feel free to take, like, a cool selfie of you having fun in that environment. or a picture of the environment, and you could send that to her and say,

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number 1 Amazon best selling book, dating sucks, but you don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach, Colonel Barrett, has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sex, but you don't so that you can. Confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps. and attract your dream woman. You can find dating sucks, but you don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold. in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Getting dating sucks, but you don't today. To transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

Hey. My Friday night's I bet my Friday night's beating your Friday night, winky face. or you could do a more heartfelt version of that. you could you could if you have a dog or a cat, that's money in the bank. You know, sending photos of your dog or cat doing weird silly goofy things is almost guaranteed to get a response. and you probably have felt how nice it is when a woman sends you a photo. Right? I remember a woman I dated, she once sent me. She's going out for the night on a Friday night without me. And she sent me a photo, and she had dynamite and a tight skirt and looked incredible. And she just sent me a selfie saying, here I am. looking like a total snack. And, yeah, I couldn't get her out of my mind for the whole night. So, maybe you look like a snack. If you look like a snack, take a selfie and send her that photo, You could even say that. Here, hey. What's up, Deborah? Here I am. Looking like a snack. That's actually pretty funny. That's called cheeky comedy or cocky comedy would be the term for that here in the dating coach world where you are basically bragging a little bit about how great you are or how good you look in this case. And with the light touch, that can actually be very, really of women because it comes from a confident place. So, yeah, feel free to send her a photo of you looking like a snack. Just make sure you look like a snack. and that you don't look like, bowl of soup. Okay. next one, don't, next, don't is don't forget to use emojis. It's really easy to have miscommunications over text, and emojis can come to the rescue. they can make otherwise kind of just friendly messages, kind of friendzoning messages feel very flirty. The right emoji adds the right kind of light playful tone that you want to a flirty message. And you might get in your head about, like, which ones to use, go to emojis or the winky face emoji, the heart eye emoji, and the very underrated upside down, smiling emoji. There's something really cool about the upside down, smiling emoji. Just very playful and silly. It's not that flirtatious, but it does create those good emotions. Another one I like is I'm not sure what it's called, but it's the smiling emoji where it's like the biggest ear to ear smile, where it's just like a giant never being happier smile. That's a funny emoji to use. Ironically, if you send her some, like, bad news you just read or got that'll make her smile and laugh. So for example, I have to have a root canal done. I recently texted my girlfriend. Hey. Good news. I'm getting a root canal. giant, smiling, huge, smiling emoji. Obviously, ironic. I don't want a root canal but it's gonna happen. so, yeah, you could use, like, hey. Guess what? I'm getting audited. giant smiling emoji. Right? Oh, hey. Guess what? There's a tornado headed to my house. You could do anything that is not happy, you can use the giant iri ir grinning emoji, and that'll make her laugh. And one more tip here, Harold. Man, I didn't realize I was gonna go so deep with you, Harold. I hope this is helping. Another reason is to use audio messages when you're texting. Don't settle just for text messages alone. use your phone or your app. You or the or or your app's audio feature to send vocal notes. very few things or sex here to a woman who is into you or into your type than hearing your voice, right, that can really dial up romantic tension. Think about any time a woman you've been talking to sends you a voice message. Don't you love hearing her voice? Her feminine soft, sexy, sultry voice? I assume you do. It goes the same way for women. I remember, yeah, I remember this woman I was messaging with. We were just keeping it very light, very friendly. I wasn't even flirting that hard core, but I was sending her audio messages. And she said, by the way, you have a really sexy voice. I said, what do you mean? I was fish totally fishing for a compliment. She said, you have, like, a sexy school teacher voice. And then I got to message back. Oh, well, I might just have to keep you after class and, write some things on the chalkboard. since you've been bad, and the flirting took off from there. So, yeah, use your voice. Couple tips. keep your audio notes short way less than 60 seconds. I would say 30 seconds is good. You don't wanna be rambling forever, less is more. Maybe I would say 30 to 60 seconds is a good sweet spot, but less is more. I would say 30. unless you have something great to say. also try to sound as natural and relaxed as possible. You wanna be as loose as possible. It's not so much what you say with the text message. Oh, I'm sorry, with the audio message. It's how you say it. It's your tone of voice. And so to help you loosen up, what you could do is you could send a test audio message to yourself, listen to it, or send it to a friend, and, tell them what they think just to get your just to get your voice relaxed and and relaxed. And then once you feel like, okay. This sounds good. Then mirror that tone when sending her the audio. At the same time, it's okay to practice sending an audio. I don't recommend that you literally practice the words. You don't wanna sound rehearsed, you just want to come out of the moment, not something that you're reading or that you practiced. So Just remember that sending a voice note projects real self confidence and self confidence is sexy as hell. Okay. Next question here for today is ask the dating coach. this comes from Gary in Yonkers, New York who asks, hey, Connell. This happens all the time. I see that incredible woman who I'd love to approach, but I just can't go and break the ice with her. It's driving me crazy. How do I get over my fear of rejection? great question, Gary. Gary, I think you need to apply my universal rejection rule. This is a firewall that basically protects your mental software from indulging in that fear of rejection. Now by the way, before I share it, just a quick little note, The goal here is not to completely eliminate feeling rejected. You're human. You're allowed to get bummed out if a girl you talk to isn't into you. but what you wanna do is minimize that pain and refocus on achieving your dating goals. So here is your universal rejection rule. This is like a booster shot for your mindset. Here it is. Quote. I will only feel rejection. If I indulge in the illusion, that a woman who I barely know can reject me instead of remembering that there are a million more girls out there. and I have more to give. Now this rule totally fucking rules. What it does is it calls bullshit on this illusion, the story, this horror story, that somebody a woman you barely know can actually reject you. A woman you don't know can't really reject you. She can say, hey. I'm not into it. I have a boyfriend. I'm not feeling it. but that's not personal rejection. That's just her giving you information. And the phrase instead of remembering, ships your mind toward the abundance of dating options that you do have out there in the world. If you go and find them, as well as the abundance of value that you offer women. In other words, it gets you in touch with the abundance of options you have and all the value you have to offer. because the bottom line is the reason that dating sucks for a lot of men is because rejection feels so painful to them. it becomes like Pandora's box. Rejections of Pandora's box of painful emotion And what this rule does is this locks the box. It reminds you no matter what happens with that girl you approach, Hey. You got lots of options, and you got a lot more to give. so, for example, I had a client named Jeff who used to have really bad approach anxiety. And when he started to apply this mantra, he went out in the town one night. He approached more than 20 women in 1 weekend. I was with him. So I do in person wingman side by side coaching with guys. I was with him. He approached 20 women with my help. He got rejected, quote, unquote, rejected several times, but his new rule helped him kinda brush those off. thickened his skin. He also got a fistful of phone numbers. All these phone numbers and he made out with a total cutie on the dance floor. I think he got 4 phone numbers for future dates and 1 sexy fun dance floor and make out. All he did was he adopted this mantra. I'll say it again because it's so powerful. quote, I will only feel a rejection when I indulge in the bullshit illusion that a woman, I don't even know, can reject me. Instead, I'll remember that there are 1,000,000 more girls out there and I have more to give. That's your universal rejection rule. know it, memorize it, get it tattooed on your neck and your face like Mike Tyson. cannot steer you wrong. okay. One time for one last question. Let me go to a good one here. Oh, here's a good one. A classic, a total classic. Tommy in Boulder City, Colorado asks, hey, Connell. I'm starting to get some good dates. with all the tender tips in your book, but I'm still hearing, hey. I'm not feeling it too often after 1st dates. It's getting frustrating. I'm so tired of hearing, hey. I just don't feel that connection. How do I get out of that friend zone on 1st dates? Okay. Here's some quick tips to get out of the friend zone because the friend zone sucks. It sucks. It's like being pulled into a pit. You feel like Indiana Jones being pulled into a pit of snakes. It's the worst. the friend zone. So here's how you climb out of it. Here are 5 quick ways. Number 1, show clear interest on a 1st date. If you're interested in a woman, make it clear. It can be as simple as, hey. Let's go on a second date. I like you. Let's go out again. Want to? tell her, show her your interest, and just let her know. Put that romantic card on the table. A lot of guys get put in that quote friend zone because they don't put a romantic card on the table. And if you don't define this as a romantic mutually romantically interesting situation, she won't. So the first rule is to show that clear interest. number 2, tip number 2 is talk the talk. The way you use your voice conveys your confidence level. So you wanna cultivate a rich resonant vocal tonality, record conversations with a friend, Listen to your voice. Listen for flaws like up talking. Do you talk like this? Do you use a lot of excessive ums and ahs? Similarly, with a woman on a date, You wanna catch how you're talking because if you're speaking like this, hey. How are you? How's your night? How's your day? So nice to meet you. If you sound timid, if your voice is giving off that self doubt, that timidity, women can smell that, like bad cologne, like ax body spray. Alright? When speaking to a woman on a date, Here's a good rule. Imagine there's another person directly behind her and talk loud enough so that that person is kind, and she can hear you. This will help you project your voice since your chances are your voice shuts down a little bit. when you're talking to an attractive woman. It's a very common, unconscious reaction to when we feel insecure. So I want you to think of a continuum of vocal tonality from supplicating Like, it's hesitant, quiet, up talking, and then there's neutral, normal, neutral. This is me talking to the commanding, drill sergeant, and barking orders. Hey. Who are you? How's your day? The sweet spot is somewhere between neutral and positive, but neutral. A little bit of commanding. A little bit of just that. We want that firm, positive, assertive tonality, friendly, but upbeat with a smile. So it's like, hey. What's up? How nice to meet you. You look great. Wow. You look just like your profile. Finally, a woman who looks like her profile. Nice to meet you. Hear that. Hear that in my voice. It's not going up. It's not being an asshole. It's not being some fake alpha male. It's more neutral but with that confidence and that positive dominance. Hope that makes sense. Okay. Tip number 3 to get out of the friend zone, is use confident body language. Stand tall, man spread a little bit. I give you permission to spread man. widen your stance, take up some space, you're sitting at the bar, shoulders back, arms spread out, stand tall if you're standing, your spine is a steel rod, powerful body language, not only sends the right message to a woman, it actually boosts your emotional state. Let me try it right now. Like, literally as you listen to the stand up, if you stand up and hunt your shoulders right now, put your ankles together. Take, like, a feminine smaller physical stance and hold that for 30 seconds. Try it. right now, I dare you. Do it. Stand up. Feed together. Ankles together. Let your shoulders slump a little bit. you're gonna feel small. You're gonna feel passive. Right? Doesn't feel good. Okay. Now take a confident, powerful stance, spread wide, take an athletic stance, man spread a little bit, stand nice and tall, like your spine is a steel rod. push your shoulders back. Take a wide stance. Deep breath. say yes. Now hold this for 20, 30 seconds. I'll bet you feel a lot more confident. Don't you? more masculine. Now that's because adopting a confident body language can increase your testosterone, reduce cortisol stress hormone, and it just basically gets your physiology activated in a way that makes you feel confident. So use that confident body language on the date. You'll feel more confident, and you will look more confident to her that I'm sure of. one more tip here. Let's end with a 4th tip here, on how to get out of the friend zone. Look her right in the eyes. make really good eye contact on the date. You don't wanna stare at her the whole time, but look her in the eye. and just make really focus on good eye contact with that good vocal tonality. I I once dated a a wonderful woman named Olivia. She's a marketing director, or at least she was at the time. And I after we'd met, we we've been seeing each other for a little while. I remember I asked her what she liked about me. because I love compliments, I guess. and I was basically talking about it was actually our 1st date and I had I had approached her a few days earlier. And I was asking her what she liked about me or what what made her wanna meet up with me. And I thought she was gonna say, oh, Connell, you said this witty thing or this funny thing. But the thing is women rarely remember your words. She said, oh, I that's easy. know why. And she looked me she she basically looked at me and said, you made great eye contact. You looked me right in the eye and you stood up nice and tall. And that just made you seem so confident. So her exact words. So stand tall, look a girl right in the eyes, and let her play that romantic man to woman card. Use confident body language. Talk that talk. Show that clear interest. And, my friend, Tommy, you'll be out of the friend zone very, very fast. Okay. That's it for this week's pod. If you have any other dating questions, shoot me an email, connell@datingtransformation.com. I'll get to it in a future ask the dating coach episode. And until we speak again, remember that women out there, they already like you. They're you're already attractive to them. they just have to meet the real authentic you. See you next time.

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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