Intro:

That's what vulnerability is. It's not trying to look cool, not trying to show off. It's actually looking cool by not trying to show off.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. Here's your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett.

Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract a great girlfriend, all as the real authentic you. no pickup artist tricks needed. And I wanna start today with a quote from Ernest Hemingway, who said or at least this quote is attributed to him, quote, there's nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man. True nobility is being superior to your former self. And I love that quote because it's about growth. It's about improvement and being a better you, being a better man, but the quote doesn't change the fact that Ernest Hemingway was a huge asshole. so I know a little bit about this. I researched this for my book. So as a younger man, Hemingway was actually very vulnerable and shy. Gertrude Stein, a famous author in her own right, called him, quote, truly sensitive. And Hemmingway, pour that tenderness and feeling into his short stories and his fiction. But as he aged into the macho persona, known as papa, Hemmingway, well, became a total asshole. He betrayed his friends. He ignored his kids. He had beat his wives. He killed rare rhinos and lions. And then finally, he turned a shotgun on himself, took his own life. And I bring up Hemingway today as an object lesson in the price that men pay not to mention women in society pay, but the price that men pay for this for the received idea of masculinity And by the way, arguably, Hemingway is not even the most dickish, tough guy novelist of the 20th century. Charles Bukowski gets a lot of ink from men in the manosphere male dating experts, like, to talk about Bukowski as some sort of platonic ideal for being a man but Bukowski was maybe even worse than Hemingway. yeah, he wrote a book called women, but Bacowski didn't even like women. And if you really want to see the real Bukowski, then Go to YouTube, and you can look up a clip of Charles Wiechowski, literally kicking his future wife. in calling her a quote, fucking c word, except he doesn't say c word. So what I talk about a lot with my clients is I discuss this really powerful concept of what I call man to woman communication. Amanda Woman Communication is the flirting channel, the turbocharged flirting channel, that men want to turn to to create sparks with women on dates or when you approach or when you're texting. And If you can get on that man to woman wavelength in a charming authentic way, then that really helps to ignite that natural, masculine, feminine polarity that will help your dating life so much. But what I'd like to do today is explore the power, not in just conveying your masculine side, but also in being in touch with your feminine side. And that's all part of being what I call radically authentic because, yes, absolutely. Women are attracted to masculine energy. Generally speaking, what success with women is about is delivering an authentic largely masculine energy and leading the dating dance. Typically men, the masculine leads, the feminine female follows or or likes to be led to an extent. It's like a dance. But believe it or not, women are also drawn to a man's softer side. In other words, it's okay to be feminine. It's okay to let feminine aspects of yourself come out. And I stumbled on this insight years ago during a second date I had. I remember it really well. I was on a date with a woman named Kathy, and we were drinking smoothies in a park. on a park bench. And I remember her saying to me, we'd kissed on the 1st date, but we were still figuring out sort of, you know, how into each other we were. And I remember her looking at me saying, I hope you're not a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy called today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connel or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artistry. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic, romantic connections. Your next steps: Book your free call today at dating transformation.com/contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, Soon Connell will stop taking on new So book a call today while you still can. Go to dating transformation.com/contact and transform your love life. Bye.

I remember that she had talked about, you know, dating her share of jerks. So she said, gee, I hope you're not a wolf in sheep's clothing. and I said to her, actually, I'm a sheep in wolf's clothing. Now full disclosure, I was not going for anything profound. I was just trying for a clever turn of phrase. I was just trying to be witty and funny to whatever extent I can. I can be witty or funny. And when I said, actually, I'm a sheep in wolf's clothing, her eyes got really wide, and it was like I'd strummed a power cord inside of her. And she sat up straight and, like, leaned toward me and got excited. Her eyes got wide. And she said, what? That's that's the dream. She said, basically, that's what we all want. A man who's a man, but also soft on the inside. That's what women want. And I never forgot that day because I learned this lesson over and over again that women love a man who has the strength of a, the outward, I should say, the apparent outward strength. of a wolf, you know, strong, protective, maybe even a little edgy, a little bit dangerous, like, which is why women like, quote, unquote, bad boys, some women do. But at the same time, inside, They like soft and sweet and cuddly, and I sort of accidentally stumbled on, I guess, a profound thought. just trying to be clever, funny. And so you and you actually might associate femininity with weakness. but embracing that side of yourself does not rob you of your masculine essence. And I want you to think of it not as something that robs you of your masculine essence, but it balances. your essence. It makes you more complex, more complete. It helps basically, it helps you emotionally to get emotionally attuned to others. there's a good quote from a book by Carl Young, the famous psychiatrist Carl Young, And he wrote, if you quote, pay close attention, you will see that the more that you will see that the most masculine man has a feminine soul. and the most and the most feminine woman has a masculine soul. So, yes, a quote unquote real man absolutely does manly things like approach. approaches. He leads. He makes moves. But at the same time, a real man also empathizes. with women. He listens to women. He shows compassion, and he's kind. He's very kind. Which is a very highly attractive quality, kindness, overrated. And so just as you should make no apologies for your masculine desires, as a man, there's no need to apologize or feel like you're doing something wrong when you walk up to an attractive intriguing woman and you put a romantic card on the table. Don't apologize for that. At the same time, you should not apologize for some of the feminine aspects of your nature that you might have. a g a GQ magazine editor called empathy, quote, the antidote to toxicity. So when you embrace your feminine side, it's much easier to empathize. In other words, to feel what other people say, oh, sorry, to feel what others feel. and I know a lot about Macho bravado because when I was out on this, gosh, 4 or 5 year journey working with different dating experts, I learned about Macho bravado. as I was learning to be a better dater, I tried many different styles and approaches to this. And some of these approaches involved working with guys who At the time, marketed themselves as pickup artists. Nobody really markets themselves that way anymore, although there are still all these guys out there who are basically teaching this idea of being a dick to women. you know, being masculine. I'm sorry. Being an alpha male showing women who's boss. And one of the gurus I worked with who coached me, had become known at the time in the dating advice industry for making these really extreme polarizing comments to women. And I was working with him because I was just trying everything. I was just trying different things to see what worked. And his advice to me was he said, go out for a month and just be a total dick. He said, Connell, you're too nice. Don't be nice. Go out and be an asshole. Be a dick to women. And I said, mow okay. I'll give it a try. Whatever the coach said, I said I was gonna do it. so, yeah, I thought that it was my nice guy side that was holding me back. I went out, and I set out to spend 30 days acting like a jerk to women. and so I said shocking things. I made crass remarks, I remember I would go into a bar. And if a girl was dancing with her friends, I would go over and, like, point out her and say, no dancing. This is a no dancing zone. Not as a joke, but actually as a move, and women looked at me like I was an alien. It didn't work. It felt awful. I remember 1 night, a woman poured a pitcher of ice water down my shirt because I was saying and doing obnoxious, stupid, toxic alpha type things. and I felt like I was wearing an ill fitting suit that belonged to somebody else. And I remember 2 weeks into this, I called it quits. and I called it quits after a disastrous double date I had at a Manhattan lounge. My friend Cameron at the time, who at the time was my wingman, set me up with a really cool, sweet, smart woman of Chinese descent. And I I was wearing this awful fake be a dick mask. trying to be polarizing and attractive in alpha and manly. And I remember I cracked a, quote, unquote, joke. that included an epithet for Asians. I won't even repeat the word, but it was just a gross epithet for Asians, a joke, so called, And when I cracked this joke, both the woman and Cameron and his date, they all looked at me with, like, an icy awkward, arctic silence. Their jaws dropped because I had just insulted my date and embarrassed my buddy, but most of you know, most of all embarrassed myself. And that was the night I took off the asshole mask for good. Masks don't work. masks do not work. So take off the mask, whether it's the fake alpha male mask, mask or the nice guy mask or the pickup artist fake persona mask, masks don't work. Now sure, women want men of strength, but there's nothing strong about vulgar insults. Real strength is showing vulnerability and true motion. So you can still be a guy's guy. If that's who you are, you can keep your Harley and your bowling nights and your guy's stuff, if that's who you are, keep all that stuff. Just drop your guard and access your kindness and your empathy. so take me, for example, I'm fairly masculine, okay, pretty masculine. I shoot hoops. I read World War 2 books. I help men get girls. Not too much more masculine. There's few things more masculine than helping men, finding love and connection and sex and relationships. That's pretty manly. At the same time, I'm also kinda feminine. I listen. I talk about my feelings at times. I love musical theater. I literally do jazz hands. not ironically. I do leg kicks on stage with my musical improv team. occasionally, I cry in a movie. I actually cried at the end of my cousin Vinny talking about a confession there. There, it's out there. You know the truth about me. I cried at the end of my cousin, Vinny. Anyway, yeah, when you get in touch with your emotions, something really wonderful happens. Because think about this. You contain multitudes. And the complexity of you is gonna be irresistible to women who like your type, who like that combination of sides you have within you. So there's a 2017 University of Glasgow study. And in this study, women were more attracted to men who balanced both masculine and feminine traits as opposed to men who were either very masculine or very feminine. So very masculine, basically, very masculine men were considered less attractive to women in this study than men who balanced masculine and feminine.

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Plus, embracing your feminine side can help you become more emotionally expressive, which is the centerpiece of what I call man to woman communication. which is just to say that's communicating with women on an emotional wavelength rather than a logical wavelength. So, yeah, keep in mind that you can still be a total badass, even if you have a feminine side. There's nothing to be afraid of, nothing to shy away from. So I will use an example. I had a client named Craig, who by the time we were working together, he was 47, divorced dad of 2. Now Craig is into football and rock climbing and just loves Guy stuff. You know? and he started dating a woman named Karen. And Karen, in her late thirties, invited him to a party at her family's lake house early on in their courtship. And Karen even told me how because I interviewed her once, during this party at the family's house, which was basically their 4th or 5th date that he disappeared. She couldn't find her date. She's like, where's Craig? And she found him in the kids playroom and he was sitting at a tiny pink table with her, little four or five year old niece, and a giant teddy bear. and they were all wearing pink bows, she told me, in their hair, both Craig, the niece, and the teddy bear, and they were having a tea party with pink And she said to me, I just melted. I said to myself, that is my future husband. Because think about this. She had already seen his leadership, his authenticity, his flirting skills because he was working with me. His flirting was great. At the same time, it was when she saw his feminine side. that kind of vulnerability that she realized. Wow. This is a complete man. This is a complete man. And also the other thing about what she noticed when she found him playing at a tea party was just how, she could see that he didn't care. He wasn't insecure about his masculinity. And few things are manlier to women than not caring how manly you look. empathy and kindness are not emasculating. On the contrary, being vulnerable, being empathetic and kind is just about the earliest thing you can do. There's a great quote from a writer named Paige Turner who wrote onbold.com, and that's bold dot com. She wrote, quote, there's nothing sexier than a man in touch with his feminine side, and I'm never going back dating guys who aren't. she wrote. And the reasons that she cited include, quote, they let you know that they care and they're better communicators. And they also know that sometimes the hottest thing that you can say to a woman is, I'm sorry. And, Turner goes on to say quote, forget the strongest silent type. There's nothing sexier than a man who can apologize when he's wrong. So, absolutely, a guy can be a bit feminine and still be a badass. And now as for models to follow, for me, following certain models of masculinity, you can keep James Bond. You can keep Dirty Harry. My favorite model is in terms of movies and pop culture, and I'm a big movie nerd. One of my favorite models is Crash Davis. Kevin Costner's character from Boulder. Costner plays a catcher, a hard drinking, tough talking, minorly catcher and he's plenty manly. He's very manly. It's a great funny movie, but his character also reads Susan Sontag Susan on tag novels and paints his lady, Susan Sarandon's toenails while they're in the tub. He tells Sarandon's character in a famous quote. He tells her that he believes in, I think the quote is, I believe in long, slow, deep, soft wet kisses that last for 3 days. And she basically swoons. Oh my. Oh my. and I love Crash Davis. So Crash Davis, Kossner's Crash Davis. If you wanna look at what I think is the platonic ideal, for dating or at least one model to look at. Look at Crash Davis. Rent Boulder. Now true in dating, you do generally want to lead with masculinity. I absolutely concede that. by by masculinity, I when I say lead with it, I mean, you know, you plan the date. You lead the conversation on a 1st date. you lead the dance, in other words. But the longer you talk to a woman, the more your softer, lovey dovey side can show. In other words, you can become a sheep in wolf's clothing. So do this. Don't only do this for your dating life, by the way. do it for yourself so you can grow into that superior guy who Hemingway reached for in his life, but failed to become. there's a great a great quote from, a book by a guy named John Kim He wrote a book called I used to be a miserable. Fuck. And, the quote is, quote, you're creating soil, rich soil for you, and your growth. You're raising your potential, you're positioning yourself, you're building a better, stronger you. one other quote I like to use is from Lewis Housebook, the mask of masculinity. And he talks about how building a better you can be challenging if you were raised to be tough and stoic. and what house writes in that book is, quote, the problem is when that toughness doesn't stop, and it grows like cancer until it strangles all other feelings, end quote. And this happens because masculinity has traditionally been defined in an overly narrow way. You know, be macho, take risks, don't act girly, fear weakness, don't be like women. Objectively. That's sort of what modern masculinity has said. But I prefer to think about this the way Tony Porter talks about it. In his TED Talk, activist Tony Porter calls it the quote man box. and he echoes what other authors have said, belt Hooks wrote, quote, patriarchal masculinity strange as men from their selfhood. so, yeah, so social scientists have noted for decades, that our old conception of masculinity contributes to a lot of consequences, lowered life expectancy, tension related disease, a rising suicide rate, a suicide rate in men that's more than triple that a woman because bottom line is the the patriarchy, pulverizes everyone. So break out of that man box. embrace your feminine side. It's good for your love life. It's good for you. It's good for women. It's good for the world. It's good for your soul. It'll make you a better dater. It'll make you a better boyfriend. It'll make you a better husband. It'll make you a better dad, and it'll make you a better person. Okay. I've got a couple of fun tips and let's call these missions to do if you're still with me. There are two things you can do in your life immediately to start smashing out of that man box and express some femininity, express some brush strokes of femininity in the overall masculine, man to woman, man to woman essence that is you. One thing you could do is just work on developing your sense of empathy, channeling the feminine, and you are largely about empathy. That's what it starts with. 1st, being in touch with what you feel, and then what others feel. So to cultivate empathy, you can ask a date or a friend or a family member. How are they feeling about something? just ask them how they're feeling about something that's important to them. And then don't problem solve. just listen. Men tend to want to logically analytically solve a person, especially a woman's problem. In this case, at first, just listen. This is a great practice for your upcoming dates and for your future girlfriend. So when a woman vents after a tough day, more often than not, she doesn't want to fix it. She just wants a sympathetic ear. I remember many years ago, a girlfriend named Lorraine. She's having a tough day And she was just venting about some things. And I was like, well, how about we do this to solve the problem? How about we do this? Have you told this to your boss? And she looked at me gently, but firmly said, I I don't really need you to solve my problems. I I just need you to listen. And that was a valuable tip that she gave me. So, that's one thing you can do is work on your sense of empathy. Just listen. And another tip, another action you can go out and take, is show vulnerability with the story. And this is something that will have a fantastic, positive impact on your dates. On your next date or your next interaction with a woman, you know, conversation at a social event, maybe maybe you're out socializing, meeting people out in the world, on your basically, your next date or interaction with a woman, look for the right moment to share a story. and make it a true vulnerable story. One that perhaps reveals a flaw or a fear or maybe just something that you royally screwed up. That's what vulnerability is. It's not trying to look cool, not trying to show off. It's actually looking cool by not trying to show off. You get a 2 for 1. by sharing a true real vulnerable story, you actually show off in a sense because you show that you're You've got the courage, the bravery to be real. So, for example, on many dates, I've talked about my 9 week marriage, and my wife leaving me after our wedding day. I've also told stories on dates about the day in my previous career as a magazine editor and journalist, but the day I walked into my dot my boss's office expecting a big promotion and I got canned instead. It was like the Jerry Maguire moment, except I didn't get a goldfish. for severance. It was my real life Jerry McGuire moment. so I've told that story on dates. And That kind of vulnerability, it's something you can practice and bring to your 1st dates and bring to your conversations with women. because when you go when you get vulnerable and show true vulnerable stories, things that are really honest that don't necessarily make you look good, but show that you've grown or show things you've you've, you've overcome that shows that's really powerful to people, and it's healthy. And, also, it gives your date the green light to say, woah, this guy's being really real and honest with me, really genuine and authentic. I wanna be real back. And then you've got 2 people being emotionally honest and naked. Who knows? You might actually get naked. at some point. Okay. I'll leave you on that. Thank you so much for listening. remember, women out there, beautiful, attractive, incredible women. They already like you. they already wanna date you. They just have to meet the real authentic you. See you next time.

Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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