Intro:

Let's get rid of the concrete shoes of self judgment. Let's instead flip that coin of self assessment.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and find an incredible, wonderful girlfriend all by being authentic. No sketchy pickup stuff needed. No spells. No peacocking. No weird hats. Although, if you just like weird hats, you can wear them.

I mean, you could walk up to a woman Wearing a bowler? That might be really cool. Retro dating. Hey. Thanks for joining me today. And today, I wanna help you Get your mindset in a great, powerful, resourceful place. I want to help you today to get over an obstacle a lot of men face, which is that they don't enjoy dating. They're very hard on themselves. They see this as a necessary evil.

They see approaching or going on dates. They just don't have fun doing it, and you might be really tough on yourself in your dating life. You probably judge yourself a lot, And I want to help you fix that. By the end of this podcast, I want to give you I'm going to give you a very simple mental tool that I use with every single one of my clients to help you Get better on dates to help you stop doubting yourself, stop judging yourself, and start feeling growth and progress and, of course, results. Of course, you want great results. You want to become more magnetic, more confident, flirt better, and create great connections with women. So I'm gonna give you one of my favorite mindset Tools that I've developed in my 10 plus years as a professional dating coach. I've been doing this.

I've been studying and working on dating for 18 years because I'm really old, And I've been a professional coach for a decade now. And today, I wanna give you something that's gonna help you stop Judging yourself, beating yourself up, it's gonna make you feel more empowered. It's gonna turn every date, every approach, Every interaction with a girl, with a woman, into a guaranteed win. Instead of what dating probably feels like to you, which is A slog, a war, frustration. If you're like most guys, you probably might go on a date. And if it doesn't go well, if you don't have amazing chemistry and if she's not super into you, you probably Beat yourself up and say, man, why do I suck at dating? Why is it so hard? Why? Why? Why? Why can't I get better at this? And so let's fix that. Let's fix that today. Let me give you this mindset tool.

It's a very simple metaphor that I've begun using with my clients or that I've been using with my clients. I call it the coin of self assessment The coin of self assessment. Here's what it is. It's so simple, but it's so powerful. I was just doing this last night with a client. I'll tell you that story in a second. Here's the coin of self assessment. After every interaction with a woman, Whether it's a 32nd approach or a 3 hour date, after every interaction with a woman, I want you to Flip the coin of self assessment.

Here's what I mean by that. Heads and tails. Heads is You want to look at the interaction and say, what are 1 to 3 things about that interaction I can feel good about. I can appreciate it. I can notice in an empowering way. And then answer that question to yourself. That's heads. And then tails is what could I do better or differently next time slash what's the big lesson I can learn here? So I'll say it again.

Head the coin of self assessment is you look at a situation and on a date, an approach, an interaction, and you say, heads, what was great about that? What's empowering? What feels good? What positive meaning can I give this? Tales is, okay. What can I do better next time? If I didn't get an amazing result, what lesson can I learn? What can I work on next time? So here's what most guys do. They don't flip the coin of self assessment. They flip the coin of harsh self judgment. They 're not even a coin. It's more like a manhole tied around your neck that drags you down or or a big rock that drags you down. The concrete shoes of self judgment. That's where you probably are at least at times.

Here's what I mean by that. Let me take you back in time to me going out years ago. Approaching women. I would go out, and I was such a perfectionist and such a results oriented, little biatch that I would need to go out and I would basically need to have an amazing, sexy Night with a girl. A make out. A hookup. I would need so much validation from women. And if I didn't get that, I would beat myself up. I was so hard on myself.

I would call myself an asshole. I remember 1 night when I first went out, I started to meet women and approached them. Especially at night, I was in San Diego with a wingman friend. And I went out, and I I struggled that night. I didn't do very many approaches, and the few that I did, I was a really harsh Judge judging myself harshly, beating myself up. Oh, you said the wrong thing. Your opener sucked, Connell. Why didn't you go talk to those girls? That girl was mean when she blew you off. You didn't take enough action.

And so I spent this night out, and I went back to my hotel room in San Diego in the Gaslamp District. And I just remember I was so mad at myself. And I walked into the elevator, And I was alone. Thank god. And the elevator closed, and I just went over to the side of the wall on the elevator, and I Started. I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. Undesirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news.

Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at dating transformation.com/contact and grab a time that works for you.

Then you'll be on your Pay to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new So book a call today while you still can. Go to dating transformation.comforward/contact and transform your love life. Bye.

Pounding my head against the elevator wall, and I went like this: You suck. You suck. You suck. I was so cruel to myself. I just basically slammed my head against the elevator wall. I mean, it wasn't it wasn't hard enough to concuss myself. I wasn't literally trying to hurt myself, but I was so frustrated. And that was coming from a place of Such harsh self judgment, and I don't want you to be like that.

I want you to be kind to yourself. I was just so tough on myself because I felt like you must achieve. You must get results. Every woman must like you, which is a Completely absurd, idealistic aspiration, which just isn't real world. And so, yeah, I don't want you to slam your head against an elevator wall. Now That this perfectionism, this desire for results, it's coming from a good place. It's coming from a good place inside of you. The judgment is coming from a good place.

You want results, you want growth, you want to connect with some wonderful women, you want a great girlfriend, You want to grow. You want to feel attractive, but you don't want to do it in a way that's cruel. You don't want to judge yourself. So anyway, let's get rid of the concrete shoes of self judgment. Let's instead flip that coin of self assessment. I'll give you a couple of examples. This is so simple. This is how I want you to analyze Every single interaction with a woman you have from now on for forever.

Okay? So let's say here's an example for a client I spoke to just last night. My client, Alan. Alan recently approached a really attractive woman. She was sitting on the beach in his hometown on the East Coast, on the coast, and he had not approached a girl in 2 weeks. And he walks over to this girl. He's got his dog with him, and Alan gives her one of my favorite openers that I use in my book. She was reading a book on the beach, And he said, oh, hey. Look at you.

It's nice to see that pretty girls still read books. And she smiled and laughed, and she was pretty friendly and fairly receptive. And they talked for about 2 or 3 minutes, and at the end of the 2 or 3 minutes, he said, hey, you know what? Let me get your number. I'd love to go out with you sometime. And she thought about it. And she said, well, I'm kinda seeing somebody. It's kinda complicated. I don't think I can do that.

And then he said, okay. No worries. And he and his dog went on his way. And Alan and I were talking about this last night, And I said, great. Let's look at this. Let's flip that coin of self assessment. What are 1 or 2 or 3 things that are great about what you did? He said, well, I feel great that I finally approached a girl after 2 weeks of really hard work. I've been so tired and working so hard.

I also feel great that I wasn't in a great mental state. I was in my head, but I made the decision, and I went over and talked to her, and that felt really good. And he said, and I also feel really good about the fact that she was actually really friendly and receptive. She didn't, she didn't blow me off in a mean way. She didn't think I was a creep. She was actually pretty friendly and pretty sweet about everything. And I said, great. That's a great way to look at the heads part of this, the empowering positive meaning you need to give yourself.

And then I added 1 more thing. I said, By the way, I want to add 1 more thing that I want you to appreciate that you can feel good about that heads side of the coin. I said, you walked up to a woman, a really pretty girl, in the daytime, sober, and you shot your shot, and you did it with authenticity and empathy. You didn't say something creepy. You just chatted. You were friendly. You told her she was pretty, and you wanted to say hello. And then I said, do you know how many men do that? He said, how many? I said, I don't know.

I don't have data on it, but I would suggest that of all the single men in the world, 1% at most can approach a woman in the daytime sober and do it with good vibes. Most men don't approach women. The few who do need alcohol at a bar. They can't just vulnerable walk up and say, Hey. You're adorable. I wanted to meet you. And he gave her a rom com movie moment. And I said, bro, you're in the top 1% of men.

He said, wow. I haven't thought about it like that. That feels good. So that's heads. Tails is, Hey, Alan. What's something you can do better or differently next time? And he thought about it, and he said, well, I think I might have rushed her a little bit. I think maybe I went for the number too quickly because it was only about 3 minutes, and I said, yeah. I think you're right about that.

2 or 3 minutes, it's possible to get a number or a date in 2 or 3 minutes, but it usually takes a little bit more time than that. It takes time for somebody to get rapport with you, for a stranger to become comfortable enough with you to have that kind of rapport. Takes time for her to say, yeah, a strange person who just approached me. Let's go on a date. Next time He could have sat on the bench. She was sitting on a bench at the beach. Next time, maybe you can sit next to her and see if you can talk for 5 to 10 minutes instead of leaving after 2 or 3. That's one thing he might have done differently to slash better next time.

That's one lesson to learn. And so we looked at the coin of self assessment, and all of a sudden he felt a lot more empowered and good about his approach. Because how would most guys look at that approach that Alan did? If you went up to a girl and you shot your shot and she said, no. Thanks. I'm seeing somebody, You would probably lick your wounds and say, Oh, man, I got rejected. Girls are mean, or This is hard. Why can't, you know, every girl has a boyfriend, this just doesn't work, they would basically get very results oriented and judge themselves. So that that harsh judgment would kick in.

What the coin of self assessment does is it gets you in the habit of finding genuine good mojo and good emotions based on the actions you took even if you don't get a result, And then it also teaches you lessons things you can do better, differently for the next woman you talk to. Here's another example from a client. Actually, I used myself from years ago. I went on a date once where I was very confident, fun, in the zone on the date, and that felt really good. However, I was afraid to go for that 1st kiss, and I could feel the kiss moment happening. And I let fear stop me. And I basically went out and just gave her a hug good night at the end of the date instead of going for the kiss like I really should have. And I could feel her being disappointed by that, and it ended up we ended up basically not dating, I think in part because I didn't step up and go for that first kiss.

So After harshly judging myself, I then I actually took a step back, and this girl was really, really beautiful and smart and sweet. And so I took a step back. After I judged myself, I stopped, and I said, let's look at that coin. Heads, I can be really confident and funny on dates. Another positive thing to take away, was, wow, if this really bright beautiful woman, cool job, Really, together? If she liked me or at least had a date with me, then I wonder what other kinds of women might be into me. Is it possible that I could have other dates with other beautiful, incredible women? And I realized, well, yeah, it probably is. She's not a special snowflake. So that made me feel good, and I also just remember how good I was at making women laugh on dates.

I felt really good about that. I was very funny. And so I could feel myself sort of triggering a really nice mutual connection with her in a positive way.

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, Lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number 1 Amazon best selling book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Connell Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love.

He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks, but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates, become magnetic and attractive Even if you're not tall or great looking, always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps, and attract your dream woman. You can find dating sucks, but you don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks, but you don't today. To transform your confidence and Find your dream girl.

And she basically wanted me to kiss her. That's another positive, actually. I could tell she wanted me to kiss her. That alone is a positive thing because that means he was into me. And then the tails side of this coin for them from this date from 1000000 years ago. The tail side was, well, the biggest lesson is whenever I feel a good vibe on a first date, I'm gonna Try my best to go for that 1st kiss because as I've said before on the podcast, I've never lost a girl by going for a kiss but not getting it. I know I've lost some pretty wonderful women to some romantic opportunities by wanting to go for that kiss, but being afraid to. So that was an invaluable lesson.

It was a painful lesson in the moment because I did not end up dating this woman. But you know what? It was such a valuable lesson that I never made that mistake again. So looking at the tails side actually served me on countless dates. And so, again, What is the coin of self assessment? Heads, what are 1 to 3 things I did well, I can appreciate, or I just feel good about? Tales, what could I do better or differently next time to take things to an even higher level? Or and or what is the biggest lesson from this date? And what this does, is the coin of self assessment. It's a very kind way to give yourself constructive, positive, truthful feedback instead of, perhaps, falling into that harsh self judgment because harsh harsh self judgment hurts your confidence. It makes dating less fun. It gets you in your head on dates. It's a dark hole to go down. Don't make the mistake I made.

Give yourself a gift. Give yourself the coin of self assessment, and you will be coaching yourself in a way that will bring you growth, better dates, results, and you'll just be being kind to yourself because, hey, You gotta love yourself. You have to be kind to yourself. Very few people in the world truly are kind to us and love us. Family members, friends, good friends, you gotta love yourself and be kind to yourself first and foremost. So flip that coin of self assessment. Do it after approaches. I don't care if it's a 5 second approach or a 5 hour date.

Flip that coin of self assessment. It's gonna bring you so many great moments and lessons and great connections with some pretty wonderful women. Anyway, okay. That's today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. If you would like to have a free consultation with yours truly, dating coach Connell Barrett. To find out if we might be a good fit to work together, all you have to do is go to datingtransformation.com. Grab a time that works for you.

We'll have about a 30 minute chat, and we'll see what I can do to help you attract incredible women who like you for your best, Most authentic self. I'll see you next time. Bye bye.

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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