Dating Coach Connell Barrett takes your questions on love, lust, and how to find The One. 

“I’m 30 and I’ve Never Had a Girlfriend! Should I Give Up on Love?”

"I’m 30 and I have never had a girlfriend. I feel rejected by women, and also I feel bitter and resentful. If I had been born an attractive woman, I would have a lot of dating options. It’s just not fair.

The thing is, I don’t want to resent women. I want to like women. I feel stuck. I can’t get a girlfriend, and I can’t escape feeling bitter when I see girls get fawned over and pursued by lots of guys, without having to work on their dating lives like I’m forced to do.

Why is dating just so easy for women and so very hard for men like me?"

—Martin, 30, Los Angeles

I know all about feeling rejected by women, Martin. My 20s was a lonely decade. I attracted only one woman into my life, and I wasn’t all that into her. With no other romantic options, I decided to marry her because that seemed better than being alone. Yep, I settled. I felt like I had little choice. Nine weeks after she and I tied the knot, she left me for a rugged, leather-clad guy on a Harley. 

You read that right. Nine weeks. “The marriage was over so fast that we fought for custody of the wedding cake,” I wisecracked to my friends at the time. But I was laughing through tears. I felt bitter, rejected and resentful.

It hurts to be a newlywed and hear someone say (in the words of my coworker), “Connell, I saw your wife on the back of some guy’s motorcycle.” Ouch. 

Then I read a book that changed my view: Man’s Search For Meaning, by holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl. In his acclaimed book, Frankl puts forward the case that suffering is part of being human. It’s baked in. We cannot avoid it. But what we can do is find empowerment and meaning in our struggles. 

We can transform pain into purpose by asking ourselves a very simple yet incredibly powerful question: 

“How is this happening for me, rather than to me?”

My bitterness at the time came from playing the victim—a role I was quite skilled at inhabiting. And playing the victim came from me asking the wrong questions: “Why me? Why does dating have to be so hard? Why don’t women like me?” The answers came back as, “Because you’re not attractive. Because women are shallow. Because it’s just the way it is.” 

Well, ask a toxic question, and get a toxic answer. 

But when instead I asked, “How is this happening for me?”, I got a better answer, not a bitter answer: “This problem is actually a gift in disguise. It’s a call to action to get great at dating, become a better man, and to find myself a loving partner who sees value in me.”

This reframe turned my victim story into a hero’s journey. What happened next? I embarked on a years-long quest to crack the code of male-female connection. It’s the most important work I’ve ever done on myself, and it’s what led me to a career as a dating coach, helping thousands of good men find love with thousands of wonderful women. 

My lonely 20s, my honeymoon heartbreak, my failed “marriage”—it happened FOR me, not TO me.  

Martin, when you ask “Why is dating so hard for me?”, I hear the victimhood in your question. Your pain stems from perceived unfairness. “It’s easy for women but hard for me. Therefore, I’m bitter.” When you ask, “Why is it so easy for women?”, your answer invites resentment. 

So ask a better question! Try this one: “How is this happening for me, rather than to me?"

Could this be an opportunity for you to grow? Instead of saying “I’m forced to work on my dating life,” how about realizing “Hey, I GET to work on my dating life”?

What a wonderful, potentially rewarding self-improvement project you get to tackle! You get to build the cathedral of your character. You get to grow more confident. You get to hone social skills that will serve you in multiple life arenas. You get to solve a challenge that, once fixed, will bring romance and love and fulfillment.

Yes, I absolutely concede that many women (and plenty of men) have an easier time getting dates than you do. But guess what: Attractive women have dating problems, too! 

I once went on a first date with Becca, a tall, bad-ass businesswoman I’d met on Bumble. (For a visual, think Julia Roberts.) Ever the inquisitive dating coach, I asked to see how many men had “liked” her dating profile. She held up her phone to reveal 6,253 wannabe suitors in her cue!

This didn’t excite her. It weighed on her. “It’s overwhelming,” she sighed over our first drink. “I’m not even interested in most of them, and a lot of the men I match with just want sex.” She showed me not a dick pic but a dick video (!) that a guy sent her, unsolicited. “It’s hard to find a good man.”

You’re not alone. Everyone has dating problems. 

So my advice? Stop asking “Why me?” or “Why are women so lucky?” These questions trigger the bitterness and envy you want to escape.  

Here are three powerful questions to ask yourself instead. 

1: What action can I take today to become 1% better as a man?

Don’t underestimate the power of steady, incremental improvement. If you grow as a man just 1 percent every single day for a year, in 12 months you’ll end up 37 TIMES more evolved, attractive and date-able. 

2: How can I empathize with women and their dating woes? 

Empathy is a superpower. It’s almost impossible to simultaneously feel empathy for women and bitterness toward them. Women have to deal with lewd selfies, creeps, dick pics (and videos), stalkers and the threat of sexual violence. To jettison envy, start to practice empathy. 

3: How can I give to women while staying true to myself?

In love as in life, you gotta give in order to get. To get what you want (a great girlfriend), you have to bring something to the table. So start to practice the art of giving in dating. Get better at flirting, connecting, approaching, listening. 

You’re on a hero’s journey. Facing and defeating these obstacles will only make you a better, more evolved man (which women LOVE), while leading you to your soulmate. 

If I could go from dateless and dumped to a top dating coach for men, then you can and will find someone wonderful.

Dating coach for men, Connell Barrett, helps men all over the world find the women of their dreams. Book a meeting with Connell here. For more dating tips, find his book "Dating Sucks But You Don't" on Amazon or listen to his podcast on How To Get A Girlfriend.

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