Connell Barrett:

I didn't just live in the friend zone, I owned a condo there. Welcome to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach and author, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women and attract your dream girlfriend, all by being authentic. No toxic pickup tricks needed. Thank you so much for being here, especially when you have, oh, I don't know, 7,000,000,000 podcasts to choose from. It means a lot to me that you're here. And think of this perhaps less of a podcast and more like a dating coach session with me as your coach and you as a guy who wants to get a great girlfriend, but you've got some problems that are in the way.

Connell Barrett:

I'm gonna help you fix those problems and attract a wonderful woman into your life. In this episode, which is the first in a week-long series intended to help you get a great girlfriend, I'm gonna give you 3 valuable things today. 1st, I'm gonna reveal what women want. 2nd, I'm gonna give you a whole new dating philosophy that's gonna make you feel much more confident and make you much more attractive to women. And, 3rd, I'm gonna give you some practical real life missions that are gonna put you on the path to getting more dates and finding your dream girlfriend. And please stick around until the very end of the episode because at the end of the episode, I'm gonna tell you exactly how to instantly get a free copy of my book. I wrote a dating book, a best selling book called Dating Sucks But You Don't. It's a dating guide for men.

Connell Barrett:

And at the very end of the episode, I'm gonna give you a free copy if you want one, and I'll tell you how to do that right at the end. Okay. I have a couple questions for you. Do any of these dating frustrations resonate with you? Are you not sure how to flirt and connect with women and maybe you run out of things to say? Or do women sometimes banish you to the friend zone, the dreaded friend zone? Or maybe you want to approach some beautiful women out in the real world, like at the gym or at your favorite bar, but something holds you back. Or maybe the dating apps just aren't working for you. Not getting good matches, not getting good dates. Or perhaps you fear that women who you're into, really beautiful, attractive, intelligent women, maybe you just feel like that they're out of your league and that you're not enough for them, not in their league. Well, if any of those frustrations sound familiar, I totally get it.

Connell Barrett:

I had all of those issues myself once upon a time. I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned a condo there. I was a friend zone real estate magnate, And I think that it's just plain wrong when a good guy like you or me back in the day is lonely and struggling with self confidence. It just shouldn't be this way. It shouldn't be this way. So the really good news, though, is that you can change this. Once you understand what women want.

Connell Barrett:

And this podcast is gonna teach you everything about what women want and everything you need to land a great girlfriend and do it as your most confident real self. No toxic weird manosphere pickup artist BS. So here's what you're gonna learn starting today and going forward all the rest of this week and beyond if you stick around. You're gonna learn how to land your dream girlfriend even if you're not tall or you're not rich or you're not great looking or even if you're an introvert like me. You're gonna learn how to become confident as the awesome real guy who you already are, even if you're a nerd or a dork like I am. I'm a self professed dork, a card carrying nerd. You're also gonna learn how to flirt and never run out of things to say and also escape the friend zone. You're also gonna if you want to, a lot of guys wanna do this, you're gonna learn how to approach women in a way that's charming, that's not creepy.

Connell Barrett:

It's charming. It's genuine and gets numbers and dates. And you're also gonna learn how to get more quality matches on the dating apps, how to get more women out on dates, and how to stop getting ghosted on the apps. And you'll be able to do all of this as a gentleman, a good solid dude who respects women. Zero pickup artist nonsense. And then one day in the near future, you're gonna wake up next to your dream girlfriend, and you're gonna look at her and think, oh my gosh. I've got my lover. I've got my best friend.

Connell Barrett:

I can't believe this is my dating life. I can't believe this woman is in my life. I feel so much more complete now. So that's the payoff coming your way soon with me as your coach here on this podcast. Okay. Big question. A seismic cosmic question. What do women want? It's one of those powerful, profound questions that people have been asking themselves for eons.

Connell Barrett:

Right up there with, are we alone in the universe? And do dogs name their owners? I wonder. And you might think that what women want is all about looks or height or money, but those things don't really matter. They're kind of like Jacuzzis. They're nice to have, but they're way overrated. So what do women want? The answer comes down to one word, authenticity. Be who you truly are at your core because women like you for you. Lean in to being that nice guy or the brainy introvert or divorced dad and take action with courage. Take action from that authentic place.

Connell Barrett:

Take some romantic actions. If you embrace authenticity in your love life in the ways I'm gonna teach you here on the how to get a girlfriend podcast, your confidence is gonna skyrocket. You're gonna get more dates, and soon you're gonna have that girlfriend who you want. So let me elaborate on the power of authenticity, and I wanna do it with a quick story. I wanna tell you about the most important night of my dating life. It was the first night I ever went out to approach women, and it's a night that changed my life forever. And if you apply the concepts I'm about to share with you, your life can change in the same way. It was a Friday night in New York City way back in 2009, and I was on a rooftop bar.

Connell Barrett:

And this wavy haired investment banker was stealing my girl right in front of me, and she was letting him. Nowadays, as a dating coach, I can handle this sort of situation, but when it happened 15 years ago, I panicked. And it had already been up to then, it had been a great July night in New York City. The rooftop lounge was in the shadow of the Empire State Building. It was hopping. It was busy. Lots of people, music playing, and I was totally connecting and hitting it off with Kelly. Kelly is a witty actress with beautiful blue eyes.

Connell Barrett:

I'd approached her about an hour before, and we had a really easy chemistry. Our conversation went deeper than just bar banter. We were being really real with each other. I remember telling her my childhood nickname of, I was chubby. I was a fat little kid. They called me Mack Truck in grade school, and she opened up and shared with me her nickname. She developed late in life. She was flat chested, and her friends called her mosquito bites.

Connell Barrett:

So we were being really vulnerable, really open with each other, really hitting it off. Now we hadn't kissed yet, but it just felt like it was a matter of time. Now Kelly knew that at the time, I was a magazine journalist out that night with my friend. What she didn't know was that my friend, quote, unquote, was a renowned dating coach, and that I was part of an approaching boot camp he was running. She didn't know that I was out that night to talk to a lot of women. She was one of them. She also didn't know that before that evening, I had never once approached a woman cold. I had never approached a woman in my life.

Connell Barrett:

She also didn't know that earlier that night, I had so much anxiety about approaching women for the very first time that before I even talked to any women that night, I had to go into the men's room stall and I had a panic attack. I started hyperventilating and getting the dry heaves because I was just filled with so much anxiety. I was so afraid of rejection. So why did I pay $3,000 to a dating guru to help me go approach women at the age of 38. Well, because I was just done at that point in my life. I was done hearing let's just be friends with girls. I was done feeling lonely. I was done seeing gorgeous girls in bars and cafes at the gym and just feeling too frozen to go talk to them.

Connell Barrett:

I was done watching cooler guys with women who I just ached to date but never did. I was done paying escorts for sex. I was done feeling like half a man. I was done feeling rejected by women. I was just plain done. So that's why I was there. And so it was really thrilling to be vibing with Kelly that night, the coolest, prettiest girl on the rooftop bar in my book. And so we're talking, and here's the moment of truth that happened.

Connell Barrett:

I said, hey. I'm gonna go get us more drinks. When I came back from the bar with our vodka sodas, she was surrounded by these 3 Wall Street bros. And this handsome wavy haired guy in the middle had her twirling her blonde hair and giggling. Now I had assumed that since I had returned with our drinks, Kelly and I would pick up where we left off. I was very wrong. I say, here's your drink, and she took the drink without breaking eye contact with wavy hair. She was ignoring me and talking to him now.

Connell Barrett:

Minutes ago, I had been her date. Now I was her waiter. So I feebly said to her, maybe we should go downstairs? She ignored me, and then Wavy Hair's 2 wing men closed the circle and basically turned their backs to me and literally boxed me out of being able to talk to her. And I felt so defeated. My shoulders slumped because all my adult life, charismatic, cool, richer guys like this dated the kinds of women I wanted to be with. And now this finance bro was stealing the one rare girl who liked me. So I found my coach. He's standing over at the bar, and I fill him in on the situation.

Connell Barrett:

Now I had read in online forums about how to handle these so called AMOG, a m o g. You might know that term, the socially dominant alpha male of the group. So I go to my coach and I say, hey. What's my move? Do I talk to other women? Do I try to mess up with messing his confidence up with, like, a really perfect, like, barb or insult? Do I give him a knuckle sandwich? What should I do? And my coach just looked at me and said, just go take her away from him. And I said, what do you mean? I was wiping sweat off my forehead. He said, well, she was with you, and you guys were hitting it off. Right? I said, yeah. He said, she likes you, but she wants to see if you're gonna go after what you want.

Connell Barrett:

And then he said, approaching women in a bar. It's like survival of the fittest, and she's leaving tonight. She's leaving this bar tonight with either you or him. Who's it gonna be, Connell? And I said, I want it to be me. And he said something I'll never forget. He said, assert your ideal outcome. What do you want to have happen? He said and then he said, if your girlfriend was your girlfriend let's imagine she was your girlfriend. If she was flirting with some other guy, your girlfriend, would you just give up? He asked me.

Connell Barrett:

I said, fuck no. And I could feel something inside of me start to stir. I said, no. I wouldn't. I'd march over there and stop it. So he said, go take her back. And I said, what do I say, though? He said, don't overthink it. Don't worry about what to say.

Connell Barrett:

Just speak your deepest truth. Another thing I remember from that night, speak your deepest truth, he said. So I said, alright. Here I go. So with my adrenaline flowing, I beeline back toward Kelly, and I break into that circle, and I take her by the hand, and I command, come with me now, And I half pull her away from them. And she said, you know, bye bye, guys, as I sorta half yanked her away from these guys. And I take her over, and I sit down with her at this nearby bench. And we're only 10 feet away now from what these guys did, but the investment bankers did not follow us.

Connell Barrett:

I was in charge now. And I wasn't sure what to say, but I heard that little voice saying, speak your deepest truth. And then the right words came to me. I said, hey. I really like you. You're smart. You're sexy, but it's not cool to talk to other guys in front of me and try to make me jealous. Now I expected her to basically splash me in the face with her kettle 1, but she leaned in closer.

Connell Barrett:

And she starts twirling a tendril of her hair, and she's biting her lower lip. And I realized, holy shit. This is turning her on. And she said, you just yank me away from those guys like you own me. But she said it with a hint of a smile, and I realized it was another test. She wanted to see if I was going to apologize for my bold move, but I didn't back down. I'd actually never felt so confident or so strong or so authentically, awesomely me, at least not in the area of women. And I said to her, look.

Connell Barrett:

I don't own you. I barely know you, but I wanna get to know you better. And when I want something, I go after it. And I want you. Until that moment, I had never in my 38 years made a woman swoon, but she swooned. I leaned in, she leaned in, met me halfway, and we kissed for the first time and we were together for the rest of the night, which ended at my apartment. She spent the night. Now the next morning I'm in bed and I'm staring at her in awe as this beautiful girl sleeps in my bed.

Connell Barrett:

I actually lightly poked her on the shoulder a couple times just to make sure she was really there. And this wasn't a dream sequence, like, from a movie. Because I'd never had somebody this beautiful in my bed before, and I'd certainly never walked up to a beautiful woman and talked to her and took her home before ever. So I felt fantastic. I also felt unsteady. Because I'd always thought that I was this introverted dork who had to settle for less in his love life. But now I was asking new questions. I was asking myself questions like, can you really just walk up to women, be yourself, and they'll be into you? I asked myself the question, if this is possible, what else might be possible with women, with dating, hell, with life in general? And Kelly kinda shifted her position in my bed in her sleep, and she threw her long sexy, tan leg over mine.

Connell Barrett:

And as it turns out, a lot more is possible. Okay. So don't worry. The point of that story is not you're gonna have to go out and confront a bunch of Wall Street bros to bring a woman into your life, that's very likely never going to have to happen. My story was just meant to illustrate some of the essential values, like courage, taking action, telling the truth that will improve your romantic fortunes and help you get a great girlfriend. And these features make up a dating philosophy that I created that I call radical authenticity. Radical authenticity, it means being fully grounded in who you are at your core, your deepest, truest, most awesome self, and then putting that amazing guy in charge of your love life. It means speaking honest thoughts and taking courageous action all while leaning into what makes you distinctly you.

Connell Barrett:

It's about being real, raw, vulnerable, but also doing it with respect for women, with genuine good intentions. The bottom line is your mom was right all along. Girls like you for you, so be yourself. Radical authenticity is this powerful attraction switch that you can flip that unlocks confidence and is absolutely going to help you meet and deeply connect with your future girlfriend, and I'm gonna help you do it on this podcast. Okay. Let's take a really quick break. You struggle with dating. Right? Sure.

Connell Barrett:

You have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey. I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, dating sucks, but you don't. And radical authenticity is why psychology today called me the best dating coach in America.

Connell Barrett:

And now I wanna personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to dating transformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my 1 on 1 coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to dating transformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Okay. We're back. So why did Kelly choose me that night instead of a rich handsome Wall Street guy? Well, because the courage and the authenticity I showed elevated me in her eyes above my competition.

Connell Barrett:

I stood out. I was the 1% man, top 1%. Now a few days after that evening, I was telling the story to a good friend. And my friend said, gosh, that doesn't sound anything like you. And, actually, when I told Kelly I want you and I'm a man who goes after what I want, when I said that to her, I had never felt more like me. The insecure, self doubting dweeb who I had been presenting to women, that guy was the imposter. The candid, confident guy who Kelly met, that was the real me or the best me, anyway. And while this guy was new to dating and new to approaching girls, that confident guy inside of me, he had been a regular fixture in other areas of my life.

Connell Barrett:

I was doing great and I had a really well rounded life. I'll bet you do too. If you're still listening to this podcast, I'll bet that you have a really good, well rounded life, but the dating piece is that one missing puzzle piece. And just like you, at the time, I had a great journalism job. I had a fantastic circle of friends. I could break 80 on the golf course. In these other areas of life, I was a man of mastery. But asked me to go approach a girl, and I morphed into this jittery armpit stained loser who would quake in the presence of this mysterious species called the female.

Connell Barrett:

So why the dichotomy? Why was I Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde from Girls? Well, as my 20 years now studying dating success has shown me, it's because you, me, everyone, we all have dual selves. We have what I call the higher self and the lower self. Your higher self is the hero of your life. In any arena of life that brings you joy and fulfillment and confidence and you feeling like you're in the zone, that's your higher self. He's you operating at full potential. So the job you love or the biceps you've sculpted or the great kid that you're raising, it's that superhero inside of you who's running the show in that part of life. But every hero has to face their archvillain. Right? Luke Skywalker had to face Darth Vader.

Connell Barrett:

Harry Potter had to battle Voldemort. And think of your dating life like you're a hero on a hero's journey, but you have an enemy, a bad guy. And that enemy, that villain is the lower self. This is the fearful doubtful part of you who's fucking up your love life. It's the voice that whispers to you, don't approach her. She's out of your league. It's the little voice that tells you, oh, you're too short. You're too nerdy.

Connell Barrett:

You're too boring. She wants somebody cooler, better than you. It's that lower self who is hurting your confidence and hurting your dating success. So pretty much all of your dating problems are the fault of your lower self. So, again, the higher self is you at your best, the lower self is you at your most doubtful. And I like to use Star Wars analogies a lot because I'm a big Star Wars nerd. I've seen every Star Wars movie many, many, many times. And, I love the original trilogy because our hero, Luke Skywalker, learns that he had Jedi powers all along.

Connell Barrett:

He just had to channel them. So think of your higher self. That's the Jedi within you. And authenticity is to dating as the force is to Luke Skywalker. It's inside of you, and you can channel it to achieve great things. But we can't forget who the bad guy is, though, because there's a real power in understanding who the enemy is. So on the first day of their training with me, when I take on a new client, long before we go into the bars and cafes to approach girls. One of the things I do with my clients is we go out and approach women in bars, in coffee shops, wherever they wanna meet women.

Connell Barrett:

I'm literally their wingman with them in person. But before we do that, what I first wanna do is I have my clients give their lower selves a name, a nickname to make them cringe. So, for example, I had a client named Frederick, an attorney in his late thirties. He came to me because he felt so much fear and stress before he could even think about approaching a woman. He could not do it. That's what's called approach anxiety. His hands would shake, his forehead would turn into a river of sweat. And, so Frederick, named his lower self oh, it was, frightened Freddie.

Connell Barrett:

He nicknamed his lower self frightened Freddie. Another example is a client of mine named Nick, a jazz musician. He was really afraid to go for first kisses, and he was getting a lot of friend zone first dates because he was just not manning up. And he named his lower self no nuts Nick because he said he felt like he had no nuts when it was time to go for that first kiss, and he would just settle for a hug or a handshake. So, I want first, I have my clients get to give a name to that lower self to make them go, ew. I don't like that side of me. By the way, my lower self name is Connie. Because in grade school that was my nickname that I hated.

Connell Barrett:

It reminds me of my dorky, redheaded, ginger, afro younger self. I was not popular. Girls did not like me, so the kids teased me and called me Connie. That's my lower self name. Next, I have my clients think of an area in their lives where they're fulfilled and confident and just basically a 10 out of 10, at least at times. They at times feel like a 9 or a 10 out of 10. And these arenas of life can be anything. It's different for different guys.

Connell Barrett:

It could be that time they cross the finish line at the marathon or playing guitar on a stage in their band or just laughing with friends and family or traveling and discovering a whole new city, a whole new country, how that makes them feel. And then what I do is I have them give what I call the higher self a name. Have him name his higher self because that higher self, that confident, present, authentic you, he's capable of great things. So frightened Freddie became Frederick the Great. And Frederick the Great could talk to women anywhere, and he did. He was approaching women and getting lots of dates. No Nuts Nick transformed into Nick Summers, his higher self name. And he was soon going for makeouts on first dates and having some incredible stories and experiences.

Connell Barrett:

There was one woman that Nick, quote, unquote Nick Summers, had a first date with. He finally made the move in the parking lot of where they were grabbing drinks at this pub. He lives in the Pacific Northwest, so they're somewhere in the Seattle area. He finally goes for a first kiss. He starts making out with this woman leaning up against her car, and then she says to him, let's go into my car, into the back seat. And then they had a little ride in the back seat. Now I can't promise you that's gonna happen on every first date, but that's what Nick Summers was capable of. He went from mister friend zone to a woman basically seducing him and insisting that they go in the back seat of her car.

Connell Barrett:

That's a pretty damn good first date. Okay? And my higher self name, by the way, it's so stupid that it's brilliant. My higher self name, I went from Connie to Connell fucking Barrett, a bold man of action. You can call me CFB if you want. Connell fucking Barrett. So your lower self contains all the pain, all the doubt, all that approach anxiety that has made your dating life sucky. Your higher self has bottomless confidence. He can get you lots of dates, and in time, he's the one who's gonna be able to help you choose an incredible girlfriend from some really nice options.

Connell Barrett:

So again, think of your higher self. He's that true best authentic inner you who's buried beneath layers of doubt and fears. He's like that priceless diamond. That's that gleaming priceless diamond that's encased by worthless igneous rock, but, hey. There's a diamond inside of you, that higher self. And, hey. Every woman loves diamonds. Right? And it's true.

Connell Barrett:

Women dig you. That's the big message I wanna give you right now. You don't realize how cool you are. Lots of women are gonna find you attractive, cool, sexy even. Look. I don't know you personally, obviously, but I'm gonna guess that you're very sincere, that you're smart, you have a good job, you have a pretty well rounded life, that you like and respect women. You see them as people, not bedpost notches. You're kind.

Connell Barrett:

You're intelligent. You probably don't fully see it, but you're a good guy with a lot to offer. And that makes you a hell of a catch. Now you might be saying, oh, that sounds good, coach, but I'm just not the guy girls go for. I'm not what women want. To which I would say to you now, why are you trying to talk to me? This is a podcast. I can't hear you. And I beg to differ.

Connell Barrett:

The main thing holding you back, it's not what you think. It's not your looks. It's not your height. It's not not knowing what to say to women. Although, you can probably get a lot better at flirting, and that's what we're gonna be talking about later this week is how to flirt, how to always know what to say. But the biggest thing holding you back is not flirting. It's not height. It's not your looks.

Connell Barrett:

It's not that women only want millionaires with 6 pack abs. That's bullshit. The main thing holding you back is self doubt. That voice of your lower self. Self doubt is what kills your confidence. The confidence you need to approach that gorgeous woman who's 2 feet away from you at that bar. But man, when your lower self is filling your head with doubt, she may as well be 2 miles away, 200 miles away. Self doubt is what keeps you from asking out your crush.

Connell Barrett:

Self doubt is why you run out of things to say because you think what you say is not enough. Self doubt is the real enemy here. And if you're lonely, if it's been a long time since you've had love, or if you've maybe even never had love, if you're a virgin, if you've had little to no dating experience and you're really lonely, self doubt is the reason. But here's the truth. Here's the great news. You are enough. Desirable women love good solid men like you and me as long as they meet that real authentic you. I'm a big movie fan.

Connell Barrett:

So I'm gonna give you a lot of movie quotes in this podcast because all I do is when I'm not coaching or with my girlfriend, all I'm doing is watching movies pretty much and, or playing tennis. And, yeah. So there's a great quote from one of my favorite movies. Vince Vaughn in Swingers has a little word of advice for his buddy. Baby, you are so money and you don't even know it. So, yeah, I feel the same way about you. You are so money. You just don't know it.

Connell Barrett:

So you might be asking yourself, okay. Why should I listen to this guy? Okay. So he went out on a rooftop once and picked up a really hot blonde. Why should I listen to him? Well, I can help you get a great girlfriend. 1st and foremost, in my 12 years as a dating coach internationally, I've helped thousands of men, and I think it's 17 countries now, to find love. And I'm really humbled and proud to say that the New York Post called me the real life hitch. If Will Smith was a skinny ginger, I'd be the real life hitch. And Psychology Today had this amazing thing they said about me.

Connell Barrett:

They called me America's most innovative dating coach. I'm not trying to brag. I'm just really humbled and honored that publications like that have said that about me. And what I know is that I can fix pretty much any dating problem because I've had every dating problem. So if you struggle with how to talk to women, both on the apps and in real life, so did I. If approaching a really cute girl felt scary to you, as I already mentioned, I had battled approach anxiety for years. And, I know how to get out of the friend zone if you've gotten stuck in the friend zone because I had to do that. So, yeah, basically, for the first 38 years of my life, I felt really unattractive to women.

Connell Barrett:

And when I finally met that one girl who was into me, this is before I really ever worked on my dating life. This was kinda my turning point moment. When I finally met a woman who seemed into me, I settled and I decided to marry her because I didn't wanna be alone. And then she dumped me 9 weeks later. 9 weeks later, not 9 months, 9 weeks after our wedding, she dumped me. It was over so fast that we fought for custody of the wedding cake. Okay. I joke, obviously, but back then, it was not funny.

Connell Barrett:

I remember driving away from my then wife's house and then my red Honda Civic 9 weeks after our marriage ended, and my back seat is loaded with unwrapped wedding gifts that I got. I'm gonna return the store credit. And that at that moment, I felt rejected by all women. And, but that actually wasn't my low point. My lowest of low points was still to come because in the years that followed, I nearly went broke going to escorts, paying women for sex. Because in my mind, I was unworthy of love. I was unworthy of intimacy and connection with really wonderful women. So I felt like I had to pay them to be with me. So while my friends were all off getting engaged or coupling up or just just in really solid relationships, I was in seedy hotels handing strangers envelopes full of cash.

Connell Barrett:

I was afraid of getting arrested. I felt shame, and I was just really disgusted with myself. And all I got in exchange for that were scraps of intimacy. So at that moment, my self esteem was at a rock bottom. And I finally said, okay. It's time to make a change. I don't wanna settle. I don't wanna feel like I can't be with women, and I certainly don't wanna pay women for sex.

Connell Barrett:

So I decided to change my story. So what I did is I embarked on a quest, about a 5 year quest, I would say it took me, a 5 year quest to learn what really works with women. So I hired classy dating coaches and also some sleazy pickup artists, it turns out. But I hired 12, 13, 14 different kinds of coaches. I approached thousands of women. I went on literally hundreds of dates. I would estimate I've been on over a 1000 dates. And it wasn't easy at first.

Connell Barrett:

At first, I got rejected more than a Jehovah's Witness, knocking on doors. But in time, I cracked the code of romantic connection. And here is my big moment. What I realized was the more authentic I was with women, the more women liked me. So one of my big moments I told you about, Kelly. I wanna give you another moment. Because what happened was when I started really being authentic with women, crazy things started happening. You know? I started dating models, actresses, and dream girls next door.

Connell Barrett:

Instead of hearing let's be friends on dates, I started hearing, hey. Let's go to your place. I remember the first woman who said, hey. Why don't we go to your place? And I thought, are you talking to me? I remember once I was in London at a lounge, and I just walked up to and started talking to this lovely Brit lovely British woman in a really upscale London lounge. And she shushed me mid sentence. And she said, you have 10 seconds to kiss me. 9, 8, 7, and, you know, I wouldn't be a gentleman if I didn't meet the lady's wishes. And, a lot of women have also asked me or wanted me to be their boyfriends.

Connell Barrett:

And I eventually met Jess, Jessamine, the love of my life, my girlfriend, the most incredible woman I've ever known and been with, my dream girlfriend. And you're actually gonna meet her in a few episodes. We're gonna have a conversation with Jess. And the bottom line is if I can find love, you can too. Because since becoming a coach, I've helped countless guys all over the world get great results. So I want you to think of this podcast as, like, the second best thing to working with me. Think of this podcast as a coaching session where I'm your coach, and I'm gonna give you my best tips for flirting, for confidence, for getting great results on the dating apps, and, of course, for landing you a really great girlfriend. My point is you are in good hands with me here, the Real Life Hitch guiding you to getting that dream girlfriend.

Connell Barrett:

Alright. Let's take one more really quick 32nd break. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's gonna help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach.

Connell Barrett:

So that you can confidently connect with cool sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are gonna make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to datingtransformation.com/flirty30. And that's flirty30. Datingtransformation.com/flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30.

Connell Barrett:

And we're back. Yes. So this podcast is about meeting your dream girlfriend, but it's also about becoming an even better man. Because my view is that you should approach women the same way you should approach the world with authenticity, courage, and kindness. So at the end of most episodes, I'm gonna give you missions that I'm gonna ask you to apply in the real world. Why? Because look. This is a podcast, and podcasts are filled with information. But the thing is information is overrated, and action is underrated.

Connell Barrett:

If you just passively consume content here on this podcast or any other platform, but you don't apply it in real life, nothing's gonna change probably. So you gotta take action. You have to do things that are uncomfortable. You just have to take courageous actions, especially in the area of approaching women. Fear is fine. I have no problem with feeling fear. That's life. Courage is the antidote.

Connell Barrett:

I have a problem with cowardice. Fear is fine. Cowardice is not. And I was a coward for 38 years until that night I met Kelly. Then I became courageous. And I wanna ask you to start summoning courage and take some real life actions that are gonna change the game for you. Because if I had to distill everything I teach down into one sentence, it's this. To attract your dream girlfriend, you must take authentic courageous action.

Connell Barrett:

It's that simple. Oh, by the way, if you are a guy who's looking for superficial, sleazy pickup moves, or if you're into the manosphere, or if you think women are all a bunch of greedy bitches who are selfish and only want rich guys, or if you only care about getting laid, or if you don't respect women, well, you are in the wrong place. This is not the place for you. So you're welcome to move along if that's you. I like and respect women. I teach cutting edge personal development and I teach men how to awaken authenticity, confidence, and also respect for women. And I do not not teach creepy seduction tricks, nothing toxic, nothing manipulative. So if that's what you want, good good luck.

Connell Barrett:

This is not the place for you. But if you're a good hearted solid dude and you want a great Tgirlfriend and you wanna do it with charm and respect and integrity, I'm your man. Okay. Let's finish up by saying that I wanna give you that radical authenticity philosophy and teach you how to start applying it. So here we go. Here's why radical authenticity works with women. When you channel that authentic self and you project that self to women in your dating life, a woman feels 2 really powerful things, attraction and trust. She's attracted to you because it takes confidence to unapologetically be yourself, and confidence is intoxicating to women.

Connell Barrett:

She also begins to trust you as she sees that you're being real and honest. And as a single woman, she has heard more lies than an NYPD Blue polygraph expert. When you're authentic, you're signaling to her that you're a guy that women can finally trust. So you're giving her the 2 things she wants, Attraction, of course, but also she needs to be able to trust you. And that's what creates a real connection with women. Now being authentic is powerful in any walk of life. But in dating, it's really rare which makes it 10 times more potent. Because when you put that real self on the line, you stand out.

Connell Barrett:

So not only is authenticity what women crave from men, it creates a vibe that's fun, that's surprising, that's connecting, that's exciting, and thus, makes your dating life even better. And the beautiful thing is your authentic self is different from mine. You get to channel who you are. You don't have to be like me. You don't have to recite lines or try to make an impression of any dating guru or what you think women want. You get to be you, that true real raw self. So radical authenticity should permeate your entire life. Frankly, in my view, it should be a whole life philosophy.

Connell Barrett:

But dialing down into dating, it also will permeate your entire dating life because you want to approach women with authenticity. You want to project that best authentic self on Hinge or Bumble. You want photos to be authentic. You want your authentic sense of humor, personality to come out on the apps. You wanna flirt with women in an authentic way. It's gonna be like a lens to look at every single aspect of your dating life. Here's another quick story about how I applied being radically authentic with women. Back before I understood what worked with women, I got friend zoned a lot.

Connell Barrett:

I think I had a string of, like, 8 or 10 straight dates, first dates where she just wasn't into me. And what was happening was I was being very safe with dates, very timid. I was being overly polite. I was hiding the real me. I was being really eager, hanging on to her every word, and basically being supplicating. And women didn't like it. And I remember before my first date with a girl named woman named Katie, tall, charming Katie, I said to myself, fuck it. I gotta do something different.

Connell Barrett:

I'm really gonna go for it here. I'm gonna truly be me. I'm gonna drop all the masks I've been wearing. And so just here's a quick backstory or context. I'm a natural born smartass. I love to tease people, tease my friends with a healthy dose of sarcasm. In college, my dorm floor gave away end of year awards. You know, mister all nighter, mister party animal, that kind of thing.

Connell Barrett:

I won mister smartass. I am authentically a smartass. That's just who I am. However, I was hiding that side with women. I was not putting on I was not letting them see my authentically smartass side. I'm a cheeky smartass. But I was showing them this fake mask. This mask that basically said, say whatever you think she wants to hear, and women didn't like that.

Connell Barrett:

They could smell the inauthenticity. So, anyway, I said, Katie's gonna be different. I'm gonna shake it up. So Katie walks into our 1st date venue. It's a sushi bar. She walks into the sushi bar. She's about 10 minutes late, about 10 minutes behind schedule. And the first thing I say is, oh, well, you're late.

Connell Barrett:

So I invited another girl to replace you. But that's okay. You 2 can fight over me. And it made her laugh. And that's all of a sudden I saw this little window into, hey, why not just keep being a smart ass? A little bit later on the date, she dropped a piece of sushi on the floor because she's bad at chopsticks. And I teased her something like, how could you be so cute yet so klutzy? And that made her giggle because I was giving her a compliment. I was calling her cute, but I was also calling her a klutz. And she said, oh, come on.

Connell Barrett:

Give me another chance. I promise on our second date, I'll be I won't be so klutzy. So here we are an hour into our first date, and she's already asking me out essentially for a second date. And I remember at the end of the night, we stood outside waiting for a taxi for her to take her home, and she just gave me those eyes. I don't know if you've seen the eyes, but those big eyes where a woman just says you should kiss me now. So she gave me these big eyes. And as I leaned in before I kissed her, as I leaned in, I said, I hope you're better at kissing than you are at chopsticks. And I leaned in and we had a really hot, sexy make out.

Connell Barrett:

And, basically, the friend zone slump busted. A month later, by I should say by a month later, Katie and I were dating exclusively. Now, my teasing moves were those moves? I guess so. I guess you could call my teasing, line moves, and they did work. But the thing is they weren't really moved. I was just being my snarky self. That's the kind of stuff I say to my friends. That's the kind of stuff I say to my siblings.

Connell Barrett:

Just cocky, cheeky, smart ass stuff. And but I was hiding that authentic side of me with women. Katie loved it. So but just as rewarding as it was to finally get out of that friend zone and start having some cute girls on dates be into me, that was great, of course, but it felt even more powerful just feeling free to be me. I just felt free to be me. And, that's how I want you to feel. I want you to feel free. I want you to feel more expressive, and I want you to, of course, be able to channel your authentic self to bring a great girlfriend into your dating life.

Connell Barrett:

So here are 5 benefits that radical authenticity is gonna bring into your dating life. Here we go. Number 1 is you're gonna have more confidence. Because when you align your thoughts, your words, your actions with that true self, You stand taller, you talk more loudly, you become more comfortable in your own skin, and you just become more attractive. Every woman loves a man of confidence. Number 2 is you become more magnetic to women. Not all of them, of course. This is not about attracting every woman, but a lot more than you might think.

Connell Barrett:

Women have a 6th sense for a man who knows himself and believes in himself. And bottom line is it takes anvil sized cojones to be really real and vulnerable in dating and courageous, And women really appreciate that, and they really like it. The 3rd benefit of becoming radically authentic in your love life is you're gonna create genuine connections. Because authenticity, another way to describe it is, emotional nudity. You're gonna get emotionally naked with women, so to speak. And, first, by you getting vulnerable, more emotionally naked, they're gonna feel the green light to get more emotionally naked and vulnerable with you. And that's what allows you both to have your real selves connect. And, hey, once you're getting emotionally naked with each other, it's just a matter of time before you get actually naked with each other.

Connell Barrett:

The 4th benefit of being radically authentic is you're gonna know your worth. You're gonna know your worth. You're gonna feel worthy of beautiful women. You're gonna feel like you're the 10 out of 10. The question is, is she in your league? Because when you're authentic, you send a really powerful message to a woman. You say to her, I am enough. And when you know you're enough, man, fear of rejection goes away. And women say to themselves, I gotta be with a guy like this who believes in themselves so much.

Connell Barrett:

And the 5th benefit of being radically authentic, I think you're gonna love this one, is you're never gonna run out of things to say. You're gonna know what to say, especially when I teach you my flirting framework. But, basically, the reason why guys struggle with what to say, they struggle to find the right words when they're talking to women. It's because they are afraid that their words are insufficient because they fear that they're insufficient, that they're not enough. But when you're authentic, a powerful paradox kicks in. When you know your worth and your true self, you stop straining for the right thing to say and you simply speak more freely and unfiltered, more spontaneously, and then the right words are going to come. Okay. So basically kinda moving toward the recap here, when your authentic self is running the show, this whole new world opens up.

Connell Barrett:

Imagine your buddy is saying to you, hey, man. You seem different. Did you lose weight? What's changed? Did you get lifts? What's going on? Imagine women who before said, hey, let's just be friends. Imagine them, chasing you. Imagine them saying, hey. Why don't we go to your place? Basically, imagine yourself enjoying dating. Couple final things here, and then I wanna give you the, the, end of episode missions I'm gonna ask you to do. And I'm also gonna tell you how to get my book for free.

Connell Barrett:

But first, I just wanna end with one more point here. I wanna talk about the masks that men wear that we want to remove to put on that authentic mask. Unfortunately, few men date from an authentic place. Most guys wear a mask. A lot of guys wear fake nice people pleaser masks. That's what gets them in the friend zone like it did for me. A lot of guys put on this fake alpha male mask, which is this awful, terrible, myth that's permeated dating because of terrible male coaches who don't know anything about coaching, they say, be an alpha male. Be a man.

Connell Barrett:

And that doesn't work either because there's no such thing as alpha males. So I'll talk about that in a future episode. But the worst mask of all is an unworthy man. Unworthy man. That guy who avoids putting himself out there because he's so afraid that rejection will make him feel like he's just not enough. That is why 15 years ago, before I met Kelly, I was having a panic attack in a men's room stall and vomiting up stomach acid, and having dry heaves because I was afraid I was about to find out I was unworthy. And, this leads to avoiding taking action, avoiding effort, and not to mention just crushing your self confidence. So that's an unworthy mask.

Connell Barrett:

We wanna get rid of that. But, remember, unworthy man, it's just a mask. Like any other mask, it can be removed. Because when you're authentic, you feel more at ease, you're more confident, more attractive and you give women a singular experience. Think of it this way. You're not 1 in a 1000000. You're actually 1 in 8,000,000,000. You're literally 1 in 8,000,000,000.

Connell Barrett:

You are completely singular and unique. And, it's sort of like you want when you're talking to a woman, you want her to feel like, wow. This is a one of a kind man. It's the difference between being a watered down wine spritzer and a strong Scotch. So you wanna be a strong glass of Scotch with women, not a watered down wine spritzer. Yeah. Women wanna catch a buzz off the good stuff. That top top shelf 80 proof barrel aged you.

Connell Barrett:

So, again, if you're a book loving introverted nerd like me, fly that banner high. If you're a hipster, rock the goatee, bro. If you're a single dad, lean into being a single dad. Talk about your kid. We all have types. Plenty of women love nerds and hipsters and single dads. Katie, actually, my ex, she once told me that she loved to go to the park with her girlfriends and watch the DILFs. The dads, I'd like to.

Connell Barrett:

Anyway, so, yeah, it takes courage to put yourself out there. So I'm not saying this will not be scary, but when you do it, you're gonna help women to realize that, wow, this guy is the genuine article. He's the real thing, and you're gonna get so many more women into you. And that natural chemistry you have with a woman, it's gonna spinal tap right up to 11. This goes to 11. Alright. Let's finish with the 5 pillars of radical authenticity. Here's what a radically authentic man is like.

Connell Barrett:

He's in harmony with himself. His thoughts, his words, his actions, all these values are aligned. He listens to his gut. He believes in himself. He's expressive. He's less filtered, more expressive, kind, compassionate, appreciative of life, empathetic to others feelings, but he doesn't change who he is based on the environment. Basically, a radically authentic man is a raw, real, straight shooting, decent dude. Here are the 5 pillars of radical authenticity.

Connell Barrett:

Number 1 is honesty. Never lie to women and never present a false front. Share your sense of humor, your point of view, your passions. The more honest you are, the more you accept your authentic self. The second pillar of radical authenticity is vulnerability. Let your flaws, your fears, your mistakes show while owning them. It takes real strength to be vulnerable, and women love strong men. The 3rd pillar of being radically authentic is, this is so important, taking courageous action.

Connell Barrett:

Align your actions with your words and values. There's a famous, or there's a quote from Shakespeare. I believe it's from Hamlet. Action is eloquence. So take action. Just like I had to take action that night with Kelly and pull her away from those Wall Street dudes. The 4th pillar of radical authenticity is kindness. This is the number one thing women want in a boyfriend according to a poll, a 2019 poll of single women.

Connell Barrett:

The number one thing they want is kindness. So it's okay. Be nice. Niceness is not a weakness. Niceness is strength. I'm the nicest guy in the world, I think. So be nice. It's okay.

Connell Barrett:

And number 5, the 5th pillar is growing and giving. Because in dating and in life, the more you grow, the more you can give, and the more you give, the more women want to give back to you, and they want to give back to you. So it all kinda boils down to the word value. It boils down to a woman being into you. It really is about how much value she sees you being able to bring into her life. So simply put, authenticity equals value, and value equals attraction. So take that gorgeous woman you might have a crush on. You're attracted to her because you see value in her wit, her curves, her femininity, her sweetness, her voice, not to mention the potential for love and connection and sex and a relationship.

Connell Barrett:

For her to be into you, for her to feel attraction for you, quote, unquote, she has to see the value that you can bring into her life, and she has to feel that value. So attraction is a trade. Before you trade sweet nothings, you have to trade value. Let me switch to a couple different analogies here. By definition, any authentic thing is valuable because it's real, it's rare, and has value. Something about the word authentic implies utility or value. For example, an authentic Picasso sells for 1,000,000 of dollars at a Sotheby's auction, while a copy of a Picasso sells for a few $100. Food lovers fly to Italy for authentic Tuscan cuisine or for a real slice of authentic pizza from Naples.

Connell Barrett:

Nobody's getting on a plane to go to Olive Garden. And in dating an authentic man, he's magnetic to women because he is being authentic, and that has real value to her when she wants love and connection and a relationship, but she's also on a dating landscape that's filled with liars and players and pretenders or men who doubt themselves. So let's go back to that night I met Kelly, that night that changed my dating life forever. What happened was I removed my fake nice guy mask, and I showed her my authentic self, Connell fucking Barrett. And that real man, quote, unquote, had real value to her. I was vulnerable. I was courageous. I was honest.

Connell Barrett:

I played to win. I didn't play to avoid losing. And when I took her back away from those Wall Street guys, she saw, oh, wow. Here's a man who's got value for me, a man who plays to win. She saw CFB, Connell fucking Barrett, and that's what made her so attracted to me. It wasn't anything magical that I said. I said nothing especially magical or perfect that night, but she got attracted to me because she saw the value I could bring to her. So, yeah, it wasn't anything magical I said.

Connell Barrett:

It was that I would become that valuable man in that moment. I call that being your higher self, and radical authenticity is how you summon your inner superhero to transform your dating life. In other words, authenticity is king, connection is queen, forever may they reign. Okay. I have 2 missions I wanna give you because I want you to go out and take real action in the world and not just consume information on a podcast. Alright. Here are your 2 missions for this episode. Again, you wanna go out and take real action and not just consume information.

Connell Barrett:

Here are your 2 missions. Mission number 1 is to name your lower self. It's time for you to know the enemy. Give your lower self a name. It could be a nickname from childhood that you despised or a description that encapsulates your biggest dating problem. You could go with anxious Aaron, not confident Chris, Frankie friend zone. By the way, alliteration is fun, but not required. The trick is to choose a name that makes you feel profound disgust.

Connell Barrett:

You wanna link a lot of pain to your lower self so you can leave behind this loser. Okay? And that's mission number 1. Mission number 2 is to name your higher self. Name your best, most awesomely authentic you. Give this guy a name. It will help if you recall a moment of your life or maybe think about an area of your life where you feel so powerful and in the zone, that speech that you aced, the dance contest you won, maybe when you're at the gym and you see those pecs popping. Think of a part of life, an arena of life where you feel like a 10 out of 10 version of you, at least at times. What's that guy's name? My clients' nicknames include Badass Brett, Caesar the Great, Confident Kurt, William the Conqueror, one of my greatest clients ever, William the Conqueror, or you can steal mine if you like, which is just take your first name and last name, but give yourself the middle name fucking like I'm Connell fucking Barrett.

Connell Barrett:

The name you choose should make you feel great. It should represent the real you and should essentially capture the essence of how you feel at your best in other areas of life. Because what we're gonna do in future podcasts, I'm gonna show you how to take the keys of your love life and give the keys to your higher self. The guy who's crushing it at work or at the gym or when he's playing guitar on stage, we're gonna give that awesome you your dating life, and he is gonna be incredibly attractive to women. So those are your 2 missions. Name your high name, your lower self and your higher self. Okay. So let's recap the episode.

Connell Barrett:

What have we learned today? We've learned 3 things. We've learned a lot more than 3, but three core things. Number 1, you've learned that women don't want great looks or height or money. They want an authentic, confident man. They want a radically authentic man. Number 2 is we learned that you have dual selves, your lower self and your higher self, and that lower self is the real enemy. Your higher self is that inner superhero waiting to wake up and help you meet your future girlfriend. And the third thing we learned today is cool Wall Street bros ain't got nothing on a nerdy Star Wars loving ginger like me.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. I wanna follow through on that little bonus I mentioned at the top of the episode. If you would like to get a free copy of my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, it's a number one Amazon bestseller. It's a dating guide for men. It's got all my best up to date coaching, at least as of 3 years ago when I wrote the book. Here's what you gotta do. If you want an instant copy today, just send an email to me at connell@datingtransformation.com. So that's Cornell@datingtransformation.com.

Connell Barrett:

Please write a free book in the subject line and my team will immediately send you an e version of Dating Sucks, but you don't. So just shoot me an email at connell@datingtransformation.com and you will get an instant copy of my book for free, Dating Sucks, but you don't. Okay. So now that you have a whole new dating philosophy, you're probably wondering how the heck do I flirt with women? What should I say? How do I create sparks? How do I make things happen on dates? What do I say when I approach? How do I stay out of the friend zone? You probably still wanna know, how do I talk to girls? What should I say? And how do I not run out of things to say? Well, listen to the next episode because in part 2 of this week-long series on how to get a girlfriend, I'm gonna give you what I call my secret weapon for flirting. It's called man to woman communication. It is a flirting framework that you can apply to literally every single part of your dating life. On the apps, on a date, when you approach, when you're texting, you're gonna be able to after you listen to the next episode, you're gonna be able to always know what to say to women. You're gonna do it in a spontaneous, authentic way, and you're gonna do it in a way that's respectful but effective and very charming.

Connell Barrett:

You're gonna be able to flirt with women as a charming, authentic gentleman, and they're gonna love it. So listen to the next episode so you know exactly how to flirt and what to say. And by the way, if you like this episode, please leave me a review or and or share this episode with somebody you know, a guy who needs a little dating help or maybe a lot of dating help. So feel free to leave me a review. That helped me a lot. Or share this episode with somebody who needs it. And let me just say this at the end. Your dream girlfriend, she's out there, and she is gonna love you.

Connell Barrett:

She just has to meet the real authentic you. So go take courageous authentic action. Carpe datum. Seize the date. Later.