Connell Barrett:

Your batting average is 1 out of 30, then, that'll allow you to play baseball for the Chicago White Sox. But that's not a very good batting average, so we want to improve that. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, get some dates, and, of course, find your dream girlfriend. And do this with authenticity, not a bunch of toxic, sketchy pickup artist moves. This is about being real, about being yourself because women like you for you. This is a really fun special episode.

Connell Barrett:

I haven't done this as much as I would like to, but I'm gonna do it a lot more. I'm gonna take you behind the curtain and share a coaching session I did with my client, Matt, because Matt has some issues, some dating struggles, and I'll bet some of his problems would resonate with you. Matt struggles with talking to women in real life, especially when he struggles with approaching anxiety. What's called approaching anxiety. And approach anxiety is just when you see an attractive woman, you would love to go talk to her, and it's just hard for you. You're not sure what to say, or maybe you are just afraid of rejection and how that might feel. This is most common in places like bars, but also coffee shops, and this is just something that so many men want to be able to do, be able to meet women out in the real world and also know what to say and have it go pretty well. So I think you're gonna really like this episode.

Connell Barrett:

You also might be wondering, what the heck does a dating coach do? What is it like? How does this Connell guy coach? And you'll also be able to get the answer to that as well. So, basically, I do 1 on 1 coaching with every single client. It's always 1 on 1. And today, this is a phone slash Skype session with my client, Matt. Matt is struggling with approaching anxiety. He's getting ghosted. He is afraid of rejection. He's afraid to approach women when other people are watching because he thinks he's gonna feel really embarrassed.

Connell Barrett:

And I think you're gonna love this episode because during our one on one chat, Matt had some really great, some really great shifts. I think if you wanna fast forward to the best parts, at the 14 minute mark, he has a really big major shift about what's causing his fear of rejection. He also at about the 20 minute mark, I also talk about the importance of courage in approaching women. A lot of guys say, oh, hey. You know what? I'll approach women, but I need more confidence first. And the truth is, you don't need more confidence. You need more courage. Courage is the currency that's gonna buy you confidence, and I talk about that at the 20 minute mark.

Connell Barrett:

There's also some really good stories I share. And I think if you wanna shoot toward the end of the episode, there's a couple of really cool anti ghosting moves I also share. Because once you start getting phone numbers, once you can start approaching women like Matt is now doing, then you wanna know how to not get ghosted and make sure you turn these phone numbers into dates. Oh, and then I forgot this really important part. So 2 1 or 2 days after we did this phone session, Matt went out, hit the bars, and he got two phone numbers from 2 really cool cute girls. And so he already started applying these things from this episode. So listen to the episode. There's a lot of great practical approaching tips, what to say, how to say it, how to approach.

Connell Barrett:

Enjoy it, and let me know your feedback. And as always, remember, your dream girlfriend, she's out there. She already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. Enjoy my coaching session with Matt. Okay, Matt. Let's get to it, man. What can I help you with, today? What are you, what are you working on? What are you struggling with? Talk to your coach.

Matt:

You know, Connell, I've had a problem with ghosting. I've had a problem with continuing text messages and getting that date in person. I have, I've been having a problem with them approaching anxiety as well.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. I literally wrote the book on those problems. I didn't invent them, but I perfected them. I dealt with all those things myself. Let's start with why don't we start with approaching? That's a very common issue that might be the most common issue that guys struggle with in terms of what to say, how do I do it more confidently. Tell me tell me a little bit about how I can help you there.

Matt:

So, I am always in a setting with a lot of beautiful women, but I just have that anxiety to go up and say something. Approach that dream girl that I believe would be a perfect partner for me. I just struggle with making that impression, starting that conversation.

Connell Barrett:

In the last month, how many really cute girls have you approached, if any?

Matt:

Maybe one. 1 or 2.

Connell Barrett:

How many okay. In the last month, how many times have you seen a very cute girl and would have liked to to approach

Matt:

her, but he didn't?

Connell Barrett:

Like, 30. Okay. I've been there, bro. You're by the way, you're way ahead of me. I was 38 years old before I ever approached a single woman. You might remember that first chapter from my book where those 3 Wall Street guys steal that girl away from me who I'd approach and then I have to steal her back. That was my very first night. So you're 25.

Connell Barrett:

You're at least approaching a little better. But if your batting average is 1 out of 30, then that'll allow you to play baseball for the Chicago White Sox, but it's not a very good batting average, so we want to improve that. Okay. Let's talk about what stops you from doing that and how we can get you doing it and doing it well, and obviously getting some phone numbers and dates. So do me a favor. Take me back to any of these different situations from the past month or so where you saw a really cute girl, and you would have liked to have talked to her. Let's go inside your mindset, and let's figure out what's holding you back. So, yeah, Tom basically, tell me a story about, oh, a time when you saw that real cutie and what she looked like, where you were, and then what happened between the years.

Matt:

So 2 weekends ago, I was out with my best friend, and we decided to go to a club. It's a bar downstairs and it turns into a club upstairs. And there were a bunch of beautiful women, but one girl stood out to me. She's tall. She has blonde hair, she just had an amazing personality. She was with a bunch of friends, and I even said to my best friend, hey, bro. Look. That's the kind of girl I'm looking for.

Matt:

And then I just didn't want to approach a group like that. I didn't really know how to, and it kinda just fell apart and ignored it. So at the end of the day, I didn't really get the chance to initiate that conversation.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Got it. And what I'm hearing you say is you felt like you had a foot on the gas and a foot on the brakes. Meaning, oh my god. Cute girl. My type. I would love to go talk to her and make something great happen. Right?

Matt:

Right.

Connell Barrett:

But what specifically pushed back against you? Oh, man. There's a group. And what was the what what what is the what if x y z bad thing happens? What's that thought that pushed back at you?

Matt:

Definitely rejection. Fear of rejection.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. And if you had approached her, let's go back to that moment. Okay? Try to remember how you felt in that mindset. You're at the club. You see the blonde. You'd love to go talk to her, but then that little moment, you're like, oh, man. She rejects me. It's gonna feel what? If you gotta put words to that feeling.

Matt:

Nerve wracking. There's hundreds of other people in this.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So feeling like, oh, god. All these eyes are on me. I'm gonna be nerve wracked and nervous.

Matt:

Right.

Connell Barrett:

And if she had rejected you at that moment, how might that have felt in front of all those people?

Matt:

I probably would be very embarrassed.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So public embarrassment. Pretty strong feeling to no wonder you didn't approach her. So every guy has a different sticking point, roadblock. It's almost like an invisible wall that stops him from approaching. If I get rejected, it'll feel some kind of negative. In your case, it'll feel embarrassing that all those people saw me get shot down. Is that correct?

Matt:

Yes.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So what we wanna do is just understand, kinda take a snap shot of what's happening like an X-ray, what's happening to your psychology in that moment, and get control of it. And understand, oh, here's why I feel like I can't go talk to her and understand it's the fear of public humiliation or sorry, public embarrassment. Right?

Matt:

Right.

Connell Barrett:

And what rejection might mean and feel like. So let me throw your baby basically, your brain puts a little record on. Well, you're too young to know what a record is, but I'm, like, 114 years old. We used to listen to records back in my day. So it's like your brain puts on a record. Oh my god. Rejection means embarrassment. So no wonder you don't approach.

Connell Barrett:

That's approaching anxiety for you. It's different forever, guys. So what we wanna do is put on a different record and help your brain help your psychology realize, if I go over and talk to her, I'm gonna feel really good about some things and also show your mind that you're not gonna be embarrassed, or at least it it might not be as bad as you think it's going to be. So here's a quick story from my dating past, and let me share this with you, and then we'll go back to how to kinda rewire your mindset and your approach. Okay? I remember I used to be afraid of, like, quote, unquote, public embarrassment that kept me from approaching a lot of girls. Once upon a time, this was, man, this was 13, 14 years ago. I see this gorgeous blonde walking through Madison Square Park in New York City, where I live. And she had a summer day.

Connell Barrett:

She had short shorts on, gorgeous, curvy, really cute, just adorable, beautiful mid twenties blonde woman, and I'm like, hell, yeah. It's what I call a wow girl. I mustered up all my courage, and I said, hell with that. I'm going in, and I went in. And she blew me off pretty quickly. I said, hey. What's up? I just saw you, and I wanted to meet you. Blah blah blah.

Connell Barrett:

And she talked to me for, like, 10 or 15 seconds, but she clearly wasn't interested. And she just kept walking and said, hey. I'm just gonna have a nice day, she said, which is like polite girl code for not gonna happen, dude. Now there were a lot of people around, and I can't say I felt great in that moment, but I did feel good that I, at least, I tried. A second later, this man comes up to me, a young guy about your age, mid twenties. His name is Phil, classes, kind of a nerd like me. He came up to me and said, oh my god. I saw you walk up to that girl.

Connell Barrett:

That was amazing. I said, what do you mean? I got blown out. He's like, yeah. But, dude, I saw her. I saw her a mile away. You just stepped right up. It was so inspiring. I wish I could do that. And the lesson I took away from that day was not only is an approach, whether it goes well acceptance or rejection, not only is an approach something that is part of our authentic selves as men that we just do, it's our job to take action, it can actually even a rejection can can be impressive.

Connell Barrett:

So let me ask you this question, Matt. Is it possible that if you had approached that cute girl with 5 or 6 people around her and everybody was watching, that she might have been impressed by that?

Matt:

Maybe.

Connell Barrett:

Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Is it possible that girls know how hard it is to talk to them? And to talk to them with the whole group watching might make her think, damn. This guy's got balls like church bells. Is that possible?

Matt:

Yeah. Definitely.

Connell Barrett:

Is it possible that it might not have been embarrassing? Worst case scenario, she turns her back. She's like, no. Thanks. All the friends are there. Is it possible that it might have stung for a minute or 2, but then go on with your night, talk to a different girl, and you would have forgotten about it?

Matt:

I've done it before. I've

Connell Barrett:

said Absolutely. So, basically, what we wanna do is understand the roadblocks that stop us, which in your case is, oh my god. Public embarrassment's gonna feel so bad. Are you sure? Did they have tomatoes in their hand they were about to throw at you?

Matt:

Oh, absolutely not.

Connell Barrett:

Exactly. So you wanna start essentially kinda rewiring your mindset, your confidence, your mind to focus on what you want, which in your case is to do what you want? What do you wanna have happen?

Matt:

I want to be able to have a good conversation or authentic conversation and get that date.

Connell Barrett:

Great. Okay. I love that. I love the fur. I love both of what you said. The only thing you can control is the first half. You can't control getting a date with her. So what we wanna do is get super focused on all the things you can control. You can decide to go talk to that hottie.

Connell Barrett:

You might be nervous and scared to death, but you can go do it. Right? Well, it's scary. Yeah. It might be uncomfortable. It might be scary. It was scary for me to walk up to that curvy, cute blonde, but I did it. I just manned up and used good old fashioned courage. So, essentially, here's how we fix this for you going forward.

Connell Barrett:

Two things you can use. 1 is you understand what's stopping me. Fear of embarrassment. Here's your new mantra. I want you to write this down. Quote, I will not listen to some bullshit story that I should feel embarrassed by walking up to a beautiful woman even if I get shot down. Instead, I'll remember that my job is to step up, and take authentic action, and that is very attractive to a lot of women. So there's a new and improved mindset to almost, like, insert in your software dating software.

Matt:

I never thought of that. That's a very good thing that I should be sticking to.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. So that's how we remove or lower the resistance. On the other end of things, good old fashioned courage. Courage is simply the decision to do what's uncomfortable, but you have to do it or you want to do it. And you can always think Oops. Sorry. Go ahead, bro. Go ahead.

Matt:

Is, is initiating that conversation. I struggled to find out what to say.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. That's a different roadblock and pushback, which we can talk about in a second. But in terms of the fear of embarrassment, I guess what I wanna suggest to you is there's only one way to find out if you're really gonna feel a lot of pain from embarrassment, is to make a couple of simple adult decisions to go talk to that girl in the group and then see what happens. It's possible it'll go really well. How would that feel?

Matt:

It would feel great.

Connell Barrett:

That might change your life. It's possible the friend may get shot down. Maybe she has a boyfriend, but she's flattered, and her friends don't care.

Matt:

Of that conversation.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Absolutely. The truth is when you approach a girl who's in a group, most of the time, the group gives 0 shits about you. Or there are some of them who are actually impressed. I've never been laughed at. I've been doing this for 15 years. I've approached thousands of women, and I can't say I've ever had, like, a group laugh at me, point their finger at me. That sky falling thing you're afraid of, it's almost never gonna happen.

Connell Barrett:

And even if it did, really, are you gonna let other people? Are you gonna live your life letting other people decide what actions you should and shouldn't take? No. Hell, no. Here's another story. I was in Santa Monica a few years ago with a client, my client, Edward. We went to a really cool bar called The Bungalow, which if anybody listening to this is in Southern California, bungalow is a great place to go for meeting women approaching. And so we're in a bungalow, and Edward and I are approaching women. I'm coaching him. I'm doing my infield wingman coaching, which I do in New York and LA.

Connell Barrett:

And Edward is approaching lots of women, and he approaches a group with my help. And he and I are talking to, like, 7 women. He's talking to a girl he likes. I'm a good wingman. And the girl who was talking to me said, by the way, I just wanna say how impressive it was that you guys came up to us. And I said, tell me more. She said, well, so many guys just kinda looked at us and walked by. But you guys just came right over, and we know how hard it is for you.

Connell Barrett:

So good job. How's that for a mindset rewiring?

Matt:

It definitely helps quite a bit. Yeah. With confidence.

Connell Barrett:

Hell, yeah. I mean, it's a club. It's a bar, pub. I know. I know it's not literally a pub, but the word pub comes from public, meaning the public comes out to meet each other. If they didn't want people to come talk to them, they could stay at home, drink alone. Oh my god. Like I do.

Connell Barrett:

No. Just kidding. So that's the way to rewire the pushback, the mindset. And so what you wanna do for the mindset we'll come back to what to say in a second, but here's kinda like the double six shooter approach to this. We're gonna destroy the approach anxiety kind of 2 pronged way. 1 If you remind yourself, I'm not gonna listen to some bullshit story about how I can be publicly embarrassed by approaching a cute girl around other people. Instead, I'm gonna remember that other people will either not give a shit because they're all stuck in their own heads, or they might even be impressed by me. Think about all the other guys who wanted to approach her but didn't just like you, and you're that rare guy who steps up.

Connell Barrett:

That can be so impressive to women. So that's sort of how we remove the resistance. On the other side of things, you just use good old fashioned courage. Like, has there ever been a moment in your life, you can talk about dating or you can talk about some other area of your life, Matt, where you didn't wanna do something because it was uncomfortable or scary, but you just had to and you just manned up and did it?

Matt:

Maybe this past winter, I went out just to have a few drinks, and I was keeping your book in mind. This is when I first read your book and I was listening to it on Audible and, you know, I was listening to your book in the car on the ride there. And I decided to go out one night and just have a few drinks and see the people around me and just enjoy the night. And I saw a girl with her friend and she was really beautiful. And she was looking at her phone and I decided to go up and approach. I said, Hey, I just had to meet you. You're beautiful. My name is Matt.

Matt:

What's your name? And I just remember her looking up from her phone and looking me right in the face. And we started to have a conversation, but unfortunately she had a boyfriend and I said, hey, no worries. We had a great conversation. I hope you have a great night.

Connell Barrett:

I love it. How'd that feel afterwards?

Matt:

A lot of courage.

Connell Barrett:

How did it feel afterwards to you?

Matt:

Great. I felt like it could go to other places and just try the same thing.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. I love that story. You stumbled on one of the most powerful truths I ever discovered, which is that courage is the currency that you invest that's gonna buy you confidence. A lot of guys say, oh, I can't approach women because I'm not confident. No. You're not courageous or you're not using courage. If you want to confidently approach women, first, you have to use courage. You have to do it while scared.

Connell Barrett:

And every time you do it, you get a little bit less scared and a little less scared and a little less scared. And one day, you have that moment of, I'm not afraid anymore. I could talk to any woman anywhere, but you gotta pay the dues to get there. For sure. And, you know, the reason I can I'm not I'm not saying this to brag. It's just my job. But the reason I can approach any woman anywhere with relative comfort, confidence is because I did it so many times, scared to death. I did it so many times scared.

Connell Barrett:

So I used courage so many times and I built up that confidence like building up a muscle. Makes sense, Bert?

Matt:

Sense.

Connell Barrett:

You struggle with dating. Right? Sure. You have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey. I struggle with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone.

Connell Barrett:

I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I wanna personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to dating transformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my 1 on 1 coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to dating transformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

Connell Barrett:

Now with courage, you can always make an adult decision to walk over and talk to any woman. And while you're doing it, you can give yourself a little 10 second pep talk. Okay. I'm going in, and no matter what happens, I'm not worried about public embarrassment. Instead, I'm just doing my job as a man taking authentic action. That's what I'm here to do. By the way, I love the way you approach that girl in that story. You were just vulnerable and genuine.

Matt:

I just remember that moment. Just her looking up from her phone, which now is very hard for somebody to do. She was probably having a conversation with somebody or something, but it was more of the confidence for me because I'm like, wow. I got her to pay attention to me even if it's just for, like, 30 seconds.

Connell Barrett:

By the way, do you remember how long you talked to her?

Matt:

About 2 to 3 minutes.

Connell Barrett:

Did she say she had a boyfriend more at the end of the conversation or was that something she said right at the beginning?

Matt:

At the end of the conversation.

Connell Barrett:

Then she was telling the truth. Women will give the boyfriend things right away if a guy is approaching poorly.

Matt:

Right.

Connell Barrett:

And that means she probably doesn't have a boyfriend, but that's something they say because it gets them off the hook of talking to a low value dude. When they say it at the end, it's a little bit of a sting because you're like, oh my god. This went pretty well. Too bad for the boyfriend, but it's genuine. She's basically saying, hey. Keep this up. But I have a boyfriend, but keep this up. I'm impressed, basically.

Matt:

At that point, it's like, even the conversation was good.

Connell Barrett:

Got it.

Matt:

At the point where you just say, have a great night. No problem.

Connell Barrett:

Awesome. Before we switch topics, one last thing in the approaching world, you wanted to ask about what to say in conversation to ask me. What would you like to talk about there?

Matt:

Sometimes I just struggle to find words. How do I go up to somebody and say, hey. Like, I'm interested in you.

Connell Barrett:

Well, you might try, hey. I'm interested in you. Do you remember something I think I said to you in one of our first coaching calls? One of my little mantras is, if you're not sure what to say, just go into your go into your go into your mind. I don't mean get in your head. I mean, go into your mind and ask yourself, what am I thinking and feeling right now? And as long as it's not vulgar, say that. So let's go back to the blonde, the girl surrounded by all of her friends. Let's go back to that moment. If you were literally gonna walk up to her and literally speak the deepest truth that you were thinking and feeling in that moment, unfiltered, what would that what would that be, hypothetically?

Matt:

The first thought was how tall she was.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. How tall are you? Is she

Matt:

taller than you? Probably. Okay. Like, 6 feet tall. I'm about 5-10.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So your first thought would be, wow, you're tall? Yeah. That's fine. I have no problem with that. When in doubt, say the first thing. Don't try to think of the best thing. That's something I learned in improv. I took improv classes.

Connell Barrett:

I still do for 10, 12 years. And improv is an amazing thing to take a class to take if you wanna get much better with women and dating and just witty or funny or more present. And one of the things that my improv teacher taught me was he's like, Connell, stop trying to find the perfect thing for your character to say. Just say the first thing. Say the truth or at least the truth of your character. So this is an acting technique you can absolutely use with approaching. Say the first thing, hey, you're tall. Fine.

Connell Barrett:

At least you're talking to her now. It doesn't have to be fancy. It can be, hey, you're tall. Or try this on for size if this helps you, bro. I don't know why I keep using bro. I'm not a bro guy. But Are

Matt:

you bro?

Connell Barrett:

I say it a lot. I say it a lot. You can lead with something vulnerable. I'm a big fan of breaking the ice with something really genuine and even vulnerable. Like, hey. I just saw you, and you know what? It's hard to talk to a girl surrounded by your friends, but I had to say hi to you.

Matt:

That's extremely vulnerable. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Oh, so that guy Phil, the guy I told you about who came up to me after I approached that cute blonde, He and I later went out together. I'm just remembering another Phil story. We went out together. We became friends. We would approach girls together. I remember walking up to a gorgeous girl on a street corner here in New York with Phil. Phil was with me. And we were practicing vulnerable genuine openings.

Connell Barrett:

Just being really truthful and real with women. And, he pointed to a woman on a street corner, and she was wearing a cute little skirt. She was dressed up to go out for the night, probably. And he's like, oh, what are you? What are you thinking about her? And I'm like, oh my god. She's intimidatingly cute. So I said, that's my opener. I walked up and I said, hey. I just saw you, and you are intimidatingly cute.

Connell Barrett:

And it was so real and so genuine. Her eyes lit up. She smiled. She blushed. Now, sadly, she said, oh my god. You made my day, my night. The thing is, I'm going to have dinner with my fiance. But oh my god.

Connell Barrett:

Wow. Thank you. Now she wasn't available. Women have boyfriends and girlfriends and husbands, so it does happen. But my point is yeah. If you're thinking, wow, she's tall and intimidatingly gorgeous, say that. That's a great opener. It's like a no game game.

Matt:

Out of the box thinking there. I'm always trying to think of, like, the perfect thing to say.

Connell Barrett:

There is no such thing. No such thing. That's fair. And that's a great insight you just had for yourself, which is I'm always trying to think of the perfect thing. When you find it, you tell me what it is. I'll put it in my next book. But there's no such thing. And it's this yearning, straining quest to try to find the perfect thing that makes great guys like you get stuck in their heads, the wheels spin, and then you go 1 for 30.

Connell Barrett:

I'd rather you go 15 for 30 while you're tall than 1 for 30 straining to find the perfect thing. You're gonna have so many more dates, so many more reps, so many more options if you just go with that first thing. So, yeah, come back to this idea of what I am thinking and feeling right now. Another quick story. The very first weekend I ever went out approaching women, it was the late 2000. My first coach was coaching me up, and I remember the 2nd night was when I had this epiphany about, wait. I can just tell women exactly what I'm thinking? That can work? And I saw this really, really pretty silver woman in a silver shiny dress. And, my coach said, what are you thinking as you look at her? And I'm like, I'm thinking I'm nervous and shy, but I have to meet her.

Connell Barrett:

He's like, great. There's your, quote, unquote, pickup line. Go with that. And I walked up to her, and I said, hey. I never do this, but I'm and I'm actually pretty shy, but I had to meet you. And she looked at me and said, yeah. Right. You're really shy.

Connell Barrett:

Hi. I'm Amy. And she thought it was a line. She thought it was a really good pickup line, which I guess it was, but it wasn't meant that way. It was meant as, let me just speak the truth. Let me just tell you that authenticity. What's why I go on and on about authenticity is just tell her that authentic truth even if it's, hey. You're my type. I'm scared, but I had to talk to you.

Connell Barrett:

And the weird thing was because I was really leaning into that true feeling inside, I assume it probably made me stand taller, made me project my voice, made me just feel more badass. And so she read all of those sub communications of a confident guy. And that's what made her think, oh, that's a line. But, hey, she kept talking to me, and I got her number. So I was like, damn. I gotta never forget that moment. It's part of the reason I became a coach. I said, I gotta put that in a 6 pack and sell that to guys.

Connell Barrett:

It's really good. Anyway, so back to what to say. When in doubt, speak something true, something genuine, something vulnerable. Or another thing you can do, and here let me give you 2 ways to do this. You can do that honest, genuine, vulnerable icebreaker. Another thing you can do is something that's more indirect, which is not, I wanted to meet you. You're beautiful. Although that's fine, you can also do something more, more indirect and playful.

Connell Barrett:

So think of it like and I did a whole podcast episode about this that the listener can go back and listen to about 3 episodes ago, about the 3 ways to open in an indirect way, multiple choice. You see that beautiful woman, and you think, instead of thinking, what do I say that's perfect, which is a deathly question to ask yourself or at least it creates anxiety. Instead of saying, what do I say? Ask yourself, which of these three angles should I choose? Should I, a, give her a compliment about something specific that I like about her that's not, you know, x rated? So, a compliment. B, question that makes sense, or c, make an observation, which you're by the way, the you're tall opener that you could have said, that would be an example of c, make an observation.

Matt:

Definitely. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. So you just choose 1 of the 3, question, compliment, or observation, and that's a very high open hook ratio of the conversation starting because you're not, quote, unquote, flirting or hitting on her per se. You're just breaking the ice in a way that makes sense to her, and you have a really high percentage of approaches that go well, at least in terms of a conversation.

Matt:

And it's a recent example of, yeah, compliment for me was a couple weeks ago. I saw somebody online, and she had a great style, a great sense of style for hats. Like, there

Connell Barrett:

was a

Matt:

picture of her in Nashville, and she had this big hat on. That was my opening message. I said, hey. You have a great sense of style of hats. Let's talk.

Connell Barrett:

I love it. Yeah. There's something about a sincere, specific compliment that it's like giving her a small little gift. Before that's a beautiful way to open both online and in person. When I go out and do the in person coaching with my clients here in New York, first 20 minutes of the night as we go around the lounge, the bar, just handing out quick little icebreaker compliments, typically. Oh, hey. I dig your tattoo. Oh, those are really nice glasses.

Connell Barrett:

I love those glasses. Hey. Cool nose ring. Very retro. Careful sneezing there. You might need a Kleenex to clean that up. My you know, or whatever. And then that's just to warm up and loosen up.

Connell Barrett:

Invariably, one of these little small little icebreakers might lead to a 30 minute conversation and a phone number on a date.

Matt:

I've never really thought of that. I will have to give that a try because there's plenty of things, especially in clubs or, cafes, restaurants, well, at the bar. But

Connell Barrett:

Yeah.

Matt:

And then Once

Connell Barrett:

If you have a creative mind, I think you do. You're a creative guy. Right? I know your business is involved, a certain amount of creativity with kinda handiwork you do. But even if you're not creative, I just love it. I love that our brains love to assess a situation and try to figure out a way to turn it into something enjoyable and create. I guess I'm trying to be creative. And so what I like about this multiple choice way to open the ice break the ice with women, it lets you be creative. It lets you say, alright. What moment can I create with her? Can I create a sincere, real compliment that might make her smile? Can I ask her a good question, or can I make an observation of something I think is intriguing or a little bit different? For so an example of a question would just be, you know, you're at a coffee shop. She's standing in line next to you.

Connell Barrett:

As you wait for your coffee, you're both on your phones, and then you turn to her and say, hey. Excuse me, miss. What do you think? Should I get an iced coffee or a hot coffee? I'm putting my coffee choice in your hands. So it's a big decision. A very very normal question to ask somebody. Right? It's not like you're asking if you're not hitting on her. You're not doing some weird planned game thing. You're just literally asking a question that makes sense in the environment.

Matt:

It's just normal. Yeah. Normal conversation.

Connell Barrett:

Here's the really fun way to make openers creative and playful, and this is where approaching actually becomes something that you enjoy. What a concept. Right? Enjoying approaching beautiful women. We'll get you there. But, this is that. And when you enjoy it, that's when you go 30 for 30 instead of 1 for 30. But I love observing something that's a that something that's just a little bit unusual in a situation and using that as an observational opener. So for example yeah.

Connell Barrett:

So, trying to think of an example that I haven't already used in the past episode. Oh, I was at Barnes and Noble once, and this woman, here she was wearing, like, a coat, but it looked like a robe. It looked a little bit like a Jedi robe from Star Wars. And I am a total Star Wars nerd, so this is very authentic to me. But I just saw her, and I couldn't resist. I observed her unusual robe, and I came over and opened with something like, oh, hey. I like your Jedi master robe. The force is strong in you, isn't it? And she got it.

Connell Barrett:

Thank god she got it. She could've English could've been her third language. It could've gone terribly, but she totally laughed and got it. All I did was observe what's different here, and how can I call out what's different about her, something she's doing, something she's wearing, and in a playful way? So when you can start bringing playfulness to your openers, dude, you go to a whole other level of fun, and then that's when things get great or even greater. But, anyway, one step at a time for you.

Matt:

My personality is very playful, so I find

Connell Barrett:

I know.

Matt:

These kinds of openers are very appealing.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. You're always great . If I could boil down the right vibe for an approach in 2 words, it would be let's play. Let's play. I'm here to play with you because that's what flirting is. Flirting is, at its essence, in my opinion, playful. It's light and playful. It's not informational and logical.

Matt:

Right.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. We have about 15, 10, 15 minutes left. We got a couple other things to get to. You wanted to talk about texting and ghosting. What's your next question, sir? So,

Matt:

You know, I've really had a problem with keeping a conversation going until a date in person. Most times I can start a conversation. Great. And it feels it fizzles off after a couple of days or just doesn't quite get to the date in time.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So it fizzles out over text before the date? Right. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's gonna help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty thirty. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool sexy women starting today.

Connell Barrett:

It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are gonna make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to dating transformation.com/flirty30, and that's flirty30. Datingtransformation.com/flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. And then the date doesn't happen. Is that what you've seen?

Matt:

Yes.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Do me a favor. Give me a real quick overview of this happening with a woman recently. You don't need to use her name or anything, but was it an Internet match? Was it, how long did you text? Tell me a quick little overview, please.

Matt:

So it was an Internet match, and everything was going quite well, off a hinge, and we hit it off, and we're hitting on all cylinders in terms of, common ground, what we have in common. And we had some great conversations. We were excited about the date. And then maybe, like, 4 or 5 days in, it turned into, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship yet because something just happened significant.

Connell Barrett:

Gotcha. A couple questions then. So you match with her on Hinge. Did you stay on Hinge the whole time, or did you get off of Hinge and get on each other's phones?

Matt:

I got off of Hinge.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. How quickly did you get off of Hinge?

Matt:

Back and forth.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Did you get off of Hinge pretty quickly, you know, a few messages, day or 2?

Matt:

And a few messages.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Good. Same night. Good. Because you do wanna get off of the app as soon as reasonably possible, which is good. Good job there. And then did you set up a date or try to very quickly?

Matt:

Not very quickly. More more after, like, a day.

Connell Barrett:

A day of texting on each other's phones after being on the app?

Matt:

Correct.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. And then you went for the date? Right. Do you remember

Matt:

Midway through the day.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So roughly, like, so, like, 2 or so like, ball here's my question. Ballpark number. Counting Hinge, your messages on Hinge, about how many messages do you think you sent her before you asked her on the date?

Matt:

Probably, like, 4 or 5. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Not that many. Great. Okay. Cool.

Matt:

It wasn't like excessive texting.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. I thought you were gonna say 40 messages or something. That's okay. Okay. And then you asked her out, and then she said what?

Matt:

And we were planning a day. I think it was for the weekend of the week we were talking. And then it got to, like, a day or 2 before, and everything changed.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So you set up the date with her. Ted, did you when you asked her out, and did she say yes and the 2 of you agreed on the what, the when, and the where?

Matt:

Yes. We did. Okay. Yeah. Got it.

Connell Barrett:

So you got it on each other's calendar, basically.

Matt:

Right.

Connell Barrett:

Oh, and then at the last minute, she changed her mind.

Matt:

Right.

Connell Barrett:

And was there texting and messaging back and forth between the date being set up and then her changing of the mind? Was the conversation continuing or quiet?

Matt:

It was definitely continuing quite well.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Well, in this situation, you did everything pretty much by the book. I'm not seeing any issues that you had a little that you had a problem with anyway, because you did the core basic things well. You got off the app quickly, which graduates you from other guys. She's messaging on the app. All of a sudden, you're on each other's phone, which is good. Right. You went for the date.

Connell Barrett:

Great. And then she just, was it sort of random? She just randomly said, hey. You know what? I'm thinking I'm not looking to date right now.

Matt:

She just went, like, radio silent, like, not messaging as much, and then just

Connell Barrett:

yeah. Okay. And then she's, did she finally say, oh, no. I've changed my mind, or did she just go totally quiet?

Matt:

Oh, she messaged me and said that she changed. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Well, I haven't seen all these text exchanges, so you did all the core basics correctly. So what you could do is look over your messages with her and ask yourself if you followed what I call, well, I don't really have a fancy name for it, but my texting framework, for lack of a better term, I just call it give, give, give, ask.

Matt:

Yes.

Connell Barrett:

Meaning that most of my messages, most of your messages should be trying to give her value, make her laugh, make her smile, keep you know, basically, not always asking for what you want. Just trying to make her feel good. And then give, give, give is how we keep a woman interested, and then, of course, the ask is the date. Did you assess your text messages with her that way?

Matt:

Yes. I did. And a lot of it was give, give, give, ask.

Connell Barrett:

Great. Then that's all you can do. Yeah. I would say based on Not

Matt:

not all conversations go like that. Sometimes I genuinely don't know what to say next.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Well, did you send her a really good classy dick pic like I teach? Just kidding. I'm kidding. Dick? Like a nice renaissance style painting. Because most guys just send dick pics. Women want a renaissance dick pic. You know, a painting, something classy. Just kidding.

Connell Barrett:

Just kidding. No. All kidding aside, Matt, it sounds like you did everything by the book, and sometimes you swing, you shoot your shot, and a woman flakes changes her mind for reasons that have nothing to do with anything that you said or did wrong.

Matt:

Right.

Connell Barrett:

So in this case, I would say you actually followed everything by the book. Do you wanna send me your screenshots? Let me look at some other messages just so I can see how you're, talking to girls and see if there's any little blind spots there. I'm happy to do that.

Matt:

Absolutely.

Connell Barrett:

But, no, it sounds like you're doing a lot of things very, very well. Well, so this was a hint. Here's one last thing to consider. And, again, I haven't seen your profile lately, but here's kind of a secret not a secret. Here's sort of like a hidden reason that some women flake. If everything else is by the book, which it was for you, here's what it could be, and I can look at your profile later. It could be that your profile was enough to get her to match with you and, obviously, to message you, but she wasn't just as invested and excited as she needed to be in order to go on a date with you. Right.

Connell Barrett:

Think of your online dating profile as, it's a piece of marketing to show a woman, here's how much fun, here's how here's how good of a great guy I am for you in your life to date. Let's say it takes a 7 out of 10 interest level from a woman to match with you and give you her number. It might take an 8 or 9 out of 10 for her to say, and I wanna go on a date with him. So we could also look at your profile and see if there's any holes in your profile that can amp up a woman's excitement about meeting you. So sometimes it's actually related back to her pro to the profile and how excited and invested you get into it. Does it make sense?

Matt:

Makes sense.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Think of it this way. Like, who's your dream girl? Like, Hollywood actress or famous woman who, if she was single, it would be the dream to be dating her. Who would that be?

Matt:

I make a joke about it all the time, but probably Ariana Grande.

Connell Barrett:

Great. So if you matched with Ariana Grande, on a scale of 1 to 10, how invested and excited would you be about meeting her and dating her?

Matt:

Pretty psyched.

Connell Barrett:

10 out of 10? Fair to say?

Matt:

11 out of 10.

Connell Barrett:

There you go. 11 out of 10. How good would her texting have to be? Probably

Matt:

not very good. It could probably be Right. Low level texting.

Connell Barrett:

If she just broke all the rules, hey. How's your day? If she asked boring questions, if she was just kinda nice and normal, you'd still meet up with Ariana freaking Grande. Right? Hell, yeah. Because your investment level is 11 out of 10. Similarly, with a woman who matches with you on Hinge or any dating app, we want her to get as invested in us as we can based on in large part our profile, but great photos, just high value, authentic, just really getting excited about meeting you. And that way your texting doesn't have to be life changingly great. As long as she sees you as, like, her 8, 9, 10 out of 10 option, then she'll go on the date with you. It's possible that maybe your profile could be strengthened, and I can look at that some other time or, you know, after we chat here.

Connell Barrett:

So that's what I would look at. And if your profile is really killer, then nothing. Then let go of it all. It's on her, not you.

Matt:

Definitely.

Connell Barrett:

Her loss.

Matt:

One last thing is how would you keep the conversation going? What are some messages to keep her interested before the date?

Connell Barrett:

Great question. I like to think of texting a woman leading up to a date as a movie trailer, coming attraction, and the date is the movie. Yes. So I like to do things like talk up, play up the fun thing we're gonna do in a few days. You know? If you have a karaoke date lined up I used to go on a lot of karaoke dates. 2 or 3 days before, I might say, hey. You know what? I'm thinking we might wanna sing total eclipse of the heart. What do you think? What do you think? Total eclipse or or, you're the one that I want from Greece.

Connell Barrett:

And then we talk. I get her excited about the date by talking about how fun it's gonna be, for example. It's one way to do it. I'm kinda giving her a coming attraction for the date. Other things I like to do are like, a day the day before or at the latest during the actual, I would say I would say a day 1 or 2 days before, you could send, like, a cheeky, little playful, cheeky message. Like, oh, hey. Just so you know, I just got a new haircut, and I'm gonna be looking really cute tomorrow night. So you better bring your own game. Like, a little a little challenging, women like that.

Connell Barrett:

Little shows a little edge, shows a little confidence to have to say that. Right?

Matt:

A lot of confidence. A lot.

Connell Barrett:

Or here's a favorite. This is an old old school. This is really old school, but I used to message oh, hey. I'm so combined I'm always being sincere, always being myself, but part of me being myself is cheeky and teasing. That's just me. So I'll be like, oh, hey. I'm super excited to see you tomorrow night. Finally, we're meeting up.

Connell Barrett:

Can't wait. So very sincere and real. And then I might follow-up with, oh, by the way, make sure you wear something tight and low cut so we match. So just like you laughed right there, hopefully, she'll laugh, and she'll know it's a joke, but I'm also kinda not joking. I would love for her to wear something tight and

Matt:

low cut.

Connell Barrett:

And so there's sort of like a fun I'm amusing myself, and I'm trying to amuse her. So I like to keep her interested with jokes, with fun little enticements about how fun that date's gonna be, which I mean, and, or or just anything else I think she enjoys messaging about. So these are general copy and paste messages I've just shared with you. Please know that the best kinds of messages are gonna be more personalized. So the more you know about her, things she cares about, things that you know have already worked or that you know about her from her profile, anything relevant to her will have more impact than something copy and paste generally. So, for example, here's a come here's a this is technically copy and paste, but you tailor it for a woman. Let's say she's got a really cute dog, a really cute dog, and maybe you've been talking about her dog because you've been getting to know each other. I've messaged women things like, oh, hey, Amy.

Connell Barrett:

I'm really psyched to meet you. But just so you know, this is all a ploy, and I'm really just trying to get you out so I can steal your dog. I just wanna be honest about that because Molly should be with me, not you. Again, that's my sense of humor. You don't need to use my sense of humor, but please use the concepts of teasing, joking, sincerity, and thinking about texting. Like, how can I keep us both, like, having fun and looking forward to this date? And not only once you get good at this or better at it, not only will less women flake on you, but even better, they're gonna be like, I can't wait to meet you. I'm so excited. A few years ago, it was right before I met my girlfriend, but a few years ago, I actually, sorry.

Connell Barrett:

This is way back. This is many years ago, come to think of it. I remember the first woman who ever said to me, basically, I can't wait to meet you tonight, or she said, I can't wait to meet your smart ass tonight, something like that. And I was like, I've never had a girl say that. Usually, I'm just desperately hoping they didn't cancel on me. I was like, wow. She's really excited. So yeah.

Connell Barrett:

And not only we first, we wanna reduce flaking and ghosting. And then, of course, then we just wanna get them excited to go on dates with us. Last question for you that might be relevant to this topic. Do you confirm dates? And if so, how do you confirm a date, Matt?

Matt:

I like to confirm a date by having, you know, a playful, fun conversation and play into their lives, if I find an interest in that person, for example, if she really enjoys bowling. And this is an example because I have someone who enjoys bowling and is in a bowling league. I'll say, hey. So how about bowling on Saturday? I bet I can beat your score of 96.

Connell Barrett:

Nice. So that's how you set the date up?

Matt:

Yeah. Yes. And then set up a time or

Connell Barrett:

Great. So let's say you set up, let's say you set that date up for Saturday bowling on Wednesday, hypothetically. Okay?

Matt:

Yes.

Connell Barrett:

As the date approaches on Saturday, do you confirm it in any way, shape, or form, or do you or do you not? It's okay. I just wanna give you a tip to confirm

Matt:

it by saying, I'm really excited to meet you, at whatever time.

Connell Barrett:

Hopefully like, that's that day or day before?

Matt:

Alright. Yeah. The day before.

Connell Barrett:

So you're like, oh, I'm really excited to meet you. See you tomorrow night. Something like that? Yeah. Okay. That's not bad. That's not bad. It's better than what some guys do, which is, hey. Just confirming we're still on for tomorrow.

Connell Barrett:

So never do that. Listen. Matt's not doing that. But if you don't ever confirm a date like you're confirming a business lunch with your accountant. K?

Matt:

Hey. Just 7 PM at the

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Hey, Natalie. Just confirming we're still on for dinner tomorrow night at 7. No. Never do that. Do you know why? Pop quiz, Matt.

Matt:

It sounds too professional. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

It sounds smart. Yeah. It sounds very professional, not man to woman, a term I like to use. And it also gives her an out because you're basically saying, hey. Do you wanna you're basically saying, hey. Do you wanna cancel on me? Here's your chance. Don't do that. And some guys might think, well, what's wrong with confirming? If she wants to see me, she wants to see me.

Connell Barrett:

Well, yeah, in a perfect world, but, hey, a lot of women people in general, women in particular, make their decisions about kinda where they are emotionally in that moment. So on Wednesday, she was super excited about bowling with you. I don't know, Saturday, maybe Saturday morning, she wakes up. She's hungover from the night before, and drinks with her girlfriends. She's kinda thinking a night might feel good. And then a guy says, oh, we're still on for tonight? Then you're then he's giving her an easy out to say, actually, I'm really kinda feeling tired. Can we reschedule? So you're doing the right thing. You're confirming in a way that's positive and, and not super businesslike.

Connell Barrett:

What I like to do is confirm in a, like, a playful fun way. Just like oh, by the way, I can't wait. Like, you already were doing this. Like, I can't wait to absolutely destroy you at bowling tonight and show you how to pick up a 7-10 split. You know? To hope, yeah, I hope you have I hope you're I hope, you bring your a game, something like that. And any response to that? Any LOL or any put any, like, fun play her teasing you back, that's basically her confirming the date. If you can't think of a funny, cheesy, jokey way to confirm the date, bare minimum is you could do what you do, which is a great tip, Matt. Just say, hey.

Connell Barrett:

I'm super psyched to meet you tomorrow night, and then something like that. Or one logical way you can do it or it's not flirty, but it's better than nothing. Because the last thing I want a guy to do is show up at the venue, and then she says, oh, I can't make it. That's the worst. That happened to me a few times back in the day. So the way to get the bare minimum, you could say, you could literally move the time of the date a small, small amount of time. Like, if you had 8 if you had 8:8 o'clock drinks planned, you could say, oh, hey. By the way, I'm running a little bit late to look extra even hotter for you.

Connell Barrett:

Does 8:15 can 8 do 8:15 work for you? So that's a good way to confirm that she will be there at 8:15, but don't move it like an hour, but move it like a tiny bit. You could do that too.

Matt:

Like, 5 minutes.

Connell Barrett:

Well, 5 minutes is almost, like, absurdly short. Hey. I'm running 30 seconds late. Can you meet me? I would say 15 minutes at most a half hour at most, but I usually go 15 minutes. Like, oh, hey. I might be running a few minutes late, blah blah blah reason. See you at 8:15 instead of 8. Cool? Question mark.

Connell Barrett:

So you want that response, but you don't wanna use the word confirmed. You just don't wanna turn into that business lunch with your accountant, Sheldon. That's not sexy. Okay. Time for one last question, a 62nd tip. I don't know what the question will be. Hit me. Anything else that's on your mind we didn't get to that I can answer in a minute or less? Fire away.

Matt:

How do you get

Connell Barrett:

the

Matt:

most attractive matches on Hinge?

Connell Barrett:

Oh, the most attractive matches on Hinge. You need 2 things. You need really good portraits, 2 of them. Really good portraits that are taken by a good photographer where you're well dressed, and you're in a natural setting, and you're smiling a real genuine authentic smile. So you wanna look your best, look great with 2 really good portraits. I like to test my portraits on photo feeler.com. Photo feeler.com gives you focus group scores of photos from women, and that's a great thing to do before you put them on a profile. So if you take some new portraits, then test them on photo filler to see what gets the highest attractiveness scores.

Connell Barrett:

So, 51% or more of my matches on my dating profile come from my first two photos. So get 2 2 really good portraits. And the other piece of getting lots of great matches is humor. Having something on your profile that makes her laugh or giggle. It's so important, so underrated because women like to laugh. Of course. That's something and, by the way, I have a ton, ton, ton, ton of prompts on my Instagram, all my latest, greatest, funniest prompts that women like. The one that's working the best right now is if you like tall, intelligent, charming, witty, sexy, smart, financially successful men who love dogs and kids, then you should meet my brother.

Connell Barrett:

Women love that one. A lot of women match with me. LOL, can you hook me up with your brother? So that's how I make women laugh. And if you can make a woman laugh, not only does that make you a better catch, but a big reason some women ghost or go quiet, they don't go on the date, is here's what women hate. They hate boring, awkward dates. Boring or awkward. And if you have a couple of funny prompts, if you make her laugh once or twice on your profile with the right profile, bio or prompts, then you remove that block that keeps her from going out with guys because she's afraid of boring, awkward dates. And she because here's what we want her to go.

Connell Barrett:

Oh, this guy, Matt. Oh, good style. Cool job. Looks like a good guy. Fun, cool lifestyle. Oh, I like this photo. And then there's that prompt that makes her giggle. And she's like, well, I don't know if we're gonna fall in love or not, but I'm not gonna be bored.

Connell Barrett:

It's not gonna be awkward because I can tell he's funny. Got a good personality. So that's the importance. So great matches with great beautiful quality inside and out women. It's about really good photos, especially portraits, and about some personality that makes her smile, laugh, ideally, so she can, say to herself, this will be fun. May may not fall in love, but she will laugh and have a good time. That'll get you so many more matches.

Matt:

That makes sense.

Connell Barrett:

Cool, man. Hey. Great session today. Thank you so much for checking in. Do me a favor. Shoot me your latest greatest hinge. I haven't seen it in a little while. I'll look at it, see if I see any blind spots for potential things that could be causing women to match with you, but not keep messaging you or not go on as many dates.

Connell Barrett:

So please shoot me a message with your latest profile because that's what I like to do as your coach.

Matt:

Thank you so much for your help, Connell, the greatest and best.

Connell Barrett:

Go on. I'm listening.

Matt:

Dating coach in the world.

Connell Barrett:

Thanks. I'm only as good as my clients. I'm not a wizard. I'm just a dating coach. So I'm only as good as I'm only as good as my clients. And, your why, I'm so good because you're so good. You bring so much to the dating table. Love you, buddy.