Connell Barrett:

Dear milady, might I have your permission to please place my lips upon yours? No. Don't do that. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach and author, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women, attract your dream girlfriend, and do it all by being authentic. No weird pickup tricks needed. Thank you for letting me be your dating coach for the next 30 minutes or so, and let me make a wild guess about something. You want fun, sexy, flirty, great first dates.

Connell Barrett:

Right? You want that conversation to flow. You want that woman looking at you, smiling, touching your arm. You know, when the moment's right, you wanna know when and how to go for that first kiss, almost like it just happens. And then the next day, she's texting you, hey. I had a really good time. When are we going out again? That's what you want. But I'll bet that's not where you are. I'll bet that the dates you do have, the conversation is fine, but it's rarely, like, on fire, really connected and flirty and fun.

Connell Barrett:

And I'll bet you know that you should make moves, and you might even know some of the moves to make, but you're afraid Something stops you. You don't wanna come off as creepy. And the next day, you get either she goes to you and goes quiet or you get that next day text. The whole, hey. I just didn't feel a connection. That's very frustrating. It's frustrating to have a lot of first dates that don't lead to second dates, and it's also frustrating because maybe you're just not sure why women see you as just a friend. Well, I have been there.

Connell Barrett:

Oh, boy. Have I been there? So I've been a dating coach for 12 years now, and I've also been on, man, probably a 1000 dates. I estimated I've been on 1000 dates. But there was a time when I was first working on my dating life when I got really stuck in the friend zone, and I had so many first dates end with women just saying, hey, Connell. You're nice. You're funny, but I'm just not feeling it. And so I want you to know that I know how to fix this because at first, I fixed it in myself, and I fixed it in tons of my clients. So in this episode, I'm gonna give you 7 practical moves that you can use on first dates to make an authentic real connection so that you can soon have women saying, hey.

Connell Barrett:

When are we going out again? You can get a really great, sexy, awesome first kiss that feels very organic. And so I'm gonna give you some of my 7 best moves, my 7 favorite moves to use on first dates to get out of that friend zone and make sure you have really good fun connected first dates. And make sure you listen to the very end of the episode because I'm gonna give you a bonus tip. Let's call it, tip number 8. And at the end of the episode, I'm gonna share my favorite first date game that I played literally on dozens and dozens of first dates. I don't mean playing games, like, in a deceptive way. I don't mean manipulation. I mean, actually, a game, a fun first date game that I wanna teach you.

Connell Barrett:

It'll get women hanging on your every word, and, also, it might get you some free drinks, or she'll buy the next round. So I'll explain that one at the very end of the episode. So, yeah. And, of course, you're gonna be able to do this not as some weird pickup dude, not some strange fake alpha male persona, and not doing it with, like, memorized cheesy lines. We'll be able to do it with authenticity and genuineness, because guess what? It's really true. Women like you for you. They wanna meet that real guy. So let's get to it.

Connell Barrett:

Here are my top 7 first date moves for fun, sexy first dates to get you second dates. And these moves are in no particular order. I'm not saying they're ranked from best to worst or I should say from best to 7th best. These are in no particular order. And here is first date move number 1. This actually predates the first date. First date move number 1 is to send her a fun, flirty message before the date. There's a line in my book, dating sucks, but you don't, where I basically say, think of your text messages with a woman as coming attraction trailers leading up to the main feature, the main attraction, the movie, which in this case is the first date.

Connell Barrett:

So your text messages can and should often get women excited about seeing you. This will cut down on ghosting. This will cut down on women who just go quiet, and it'll actually build anticipation and get a woman excited to see you on that first date and actually dial up the sexual and romantic tension. So, yeah, think of the text message to send leading up to that first date as movie trailers, and the date is the main attraction. Remember those nineties? Remember that guy who did coming attraction trailers in the nineties? You know? In a world filled with criminals, one man stood alone. In a world that's powered by violence, on the streets where the violent have power, a new generation carries on an old tradition. Basically, this is the coming attraction trailer that women want for that main attraction, which is a date with you. So here's a couple of the text messages I love to send, and I have my clients send either on the day of the date or or a day or two before the date.

Connell Barrett:

So here's text number 1. You text her, just so you know, I have a fresh new haircut, and I look very handsome. So you have been warned. Here's another one. You could text her, make sure you wear something tight and low cut tonight so we match. Okay? And number 3, you could say, oh, hey. Just so you know, I'm looking really good tonight. I got a brand new shirt.

Connell Barrett:

So try to look at least half as sexy as me as sexy as me if possible. So what do all these have in common? These are all cheeky. You're putting on a little bit of a playful, role of a very confident man who, of course, she's gonna be into you. Of course, you're gonna look handsome. Now these are jokes. I want you to feel free to send me a winky emoji or a laughing emoji with any of these text messages. We want her to feel like, oh, he's kidding. He's joking.

Connell Barrett:

He's not really saying he's twice as sexy as me. But because you're willing to make that cheeky, borderline cocky joke, that sends a message to a woman that says, hey. This guy's funny. He really believes in himself, and women tend to like it a lot. So here's one more I like. I call this one the accidental text on purpose to turn my first heart to curb your enthusiasm. There's a curb episode where Larry sends the accidental text on purpose. Now the accidental text on purpose means that you pretend that the message you're sending your date was intended for somebody else.

Connell Barrett:

Again, this is a joke. You're not deceiving her. You're not actually telling her or making her think that this was meant for somebody else. It's clearly a joke. So here's what I mean. Here's an example. This one has worked really well for my clients. So you could message her this.

Connell Barrett:

You could message her, hey, mom, dad. I have a hot date tonight with a total cutie. I just hope she doesn't find out I live in your basement. Just a silly, dumb joke. And then you, of course, can follow-up with, oh my god, Amy. I didn't realize that was meant for you, with a laughing emoji. So, again, we always wanna make sure that when you're using humor, that it's clear, clearly a joke. It doesn't have to be the funniest joke in the world.

Connell Barrett:

It just has to be clear. And there's a lot of power in creating a fun, flirty, playful vibe leading up to a first date. I remember nearly 20 years ago when I first started really working on my dating life. For the first time ever, after I was in the friend zone for so long, I started having women say things to me like this woman, Jennifer, once texted me. She said, hey. I'm really excited to meet your smart ass tonight with a winky, and we had a great date. I just remember thinking, wow. This can make a date go better. Here's a couple more examples.

Connell Barrett:

I wanna read a couple text exchanges between my girlfriend and myself, and this is my girlfriend's name is Jess. There's a great episode, a couple episodes back, where I do a whole interview with her. We talked about our first date, so please listen to that if you haven't listened to it. And Jess and I texted, you know, a couple dozen times leading up to our first date. It really created a really strong, exciting anticipation. And I remember she texted me a day before the date. She texted me, hey. I'm really liking our banter.

Connell Barrett:

She was basically saying, keep it up. I like this. And so my response to that was, I wrote to her. I'm literally reading from my phone text messages. I said, oh, hey. Thank you. But just so you know, AI has been doing all of my texting with you. The real me is boring AF, and I put a little robot emoji.

Connell Barrett:

She wrote back, LOL. I knew a dating coach couldn't be this suave and charming. So we're flirting. She's loving the banter. And then I also texted her this. This is just a few hours before my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess. I wrote, hey. I'm extra handsome tonight.

Connell Barrett:

You have been warned. Jess responds, good. Because I look like garbage, and I feel way too confident. We'll balance out nicely. She's so witty. I love it. She's so funny. And I wrote back, oh, what a coincidence.

Connell Barrett:

Confident garbage was the name of my rock band in college. We texted leading up to the date. We had a great first date as I talked about in that recent episode. And then the next morning after our first date, we had a great romantic kiss. We have wine. It's a wonderful first date. And the next morning, she sends me a message. Before I ever texted her, she just sent me a message saying how much fun she had and basically letting me know she wanted to see me again.

Connell Barrett:

So that's what I want for you. Okay. First date move number 2. I love this one. This is so great. Share a real, true, authentic, personal story. Think vulnerable. I want you to share about your life, and don't just try to impress her, but be vulnerable.

Connell Barrett:

Be genuine. You know? My favorite word here, as you know, is authentic. Here's why this works. When you're genuine, when you share a personal vulnerable story about yourself on a date, it helps you get more emotionally naked and more real with women. And you're giving her the green light to be emotionally naked with you, to be less guarded, to be more genuine. And it's when 2 people are being vulnerable, real, warts and all, with each other that you really start to see and feel each other's true selves, and that's when true emotional connection can happen. It's hard to make a true emotional connection with a woman if your guard is up or if you're trying to impress her or if you're doing scripted rehearsed lines like so many awful male so-called dating experts teach. It's terrible.

Connell Barrett:

It gets in the way of real connection, and I love sharing a vulnerable real story. Now you might be saying, wait. Hold on. Shouldn't I be fun, playful, flirty? Absolutely. A date should mostly be those things. But to give texture and color to a first date, it's also great to have a personal vulnerable story. Something true, something real, and something that gives an insight into your life, your past, and who you are. So here's what I mean by a vulnerable story, and I'll give you a couple of examples here.

Connell Barrett:

Most guys make the mistake if they're gonna. Most guys don't tell stories at all on first dates, but if they do, they might tell the story about the time they, you know, got the big promotion. Don't tell that story. Talk about the time you went for the job, didn't get it, and felt crushed. Some guys will talk about the time they, you know, hit the home run to win the game, the baseball championship in high school. No. Talk about the time you struck out. Talk about the thing that you screwed up. Think about vulnerability through the lens of, what's something real and genuine that doesn't make me look good or at least doesn't make me look good in the time frame that the story was told? But now because you're able to talk about it with some humor, some perspective, sense of self, self awareness, that's really attractive to women.

Connell Barrett:

Couple more tips about telling personal stories, avoid sexual stories. Generally, avoid them. You wanna stay away from sexual stories. I do have one exception to that. I do talk about losing my virginity to women because I have a pretty good story for that, and it's but it's not so it's not graphic or vulgar. But for our purposes today, just stay away from talking about sexual things. And, also, don't share a story that's involving anything truly dark or violent. You know? Don't god forbid, if you were arrested or if you ever committed a crime or have some kind of dark violent crime that was committed against you, God forbid, avoid that negativity.

Connell Barrett:

I'm not that's not the kind of vulnerable I'm talking about. Here's the kind of vulnerability to be on a date. Share a time, share a story from your past about a time that you screwed something up or embarrassed yourself and learned a lesson from it. So for example, here's one of my favorite first date stories. I talk about how when I was a little kid, I was really heavy. I was, like, 20, £25 overweight in grade school. So I will talk about the kid who picked on me. I tell women about how I had a nickname in grade school.

Connell Barrett:

It was Mack Truck, Ginger, Ronald McDonald, all these names because I was chubby and had red hair, and I had a big Raffro. So I'll tell a couple stories about that. I'll talk about this kid, Eric, who teased me, and I'll share how that felt at the time. And but, again, I'm not talking about these stories from a painful place on the date. I'm talking about how I rose above it, or I'm talking about how much I've grown and learned since then. Another story from my past that women really love. I actually have this story on my audio prompt on my profile, but it also works really well on dates. It was back when I was in high school, I was terrible at math, really bad at geometry. And I'm sitting in geometry class one day, my sophomore year of high school, and I'm about to take the geometry test. And I realized if I take this test, I'm gonna fail, and I'm gonna have to go to summer school.

Connell Barrett:

That's gonna suck. So I decided to fake back spasms to get out of taking this geometry test. So I go to the school nurse, I pretend I'm in pain, I pretend I have back pain, and she calls my parents, my parents come and pick me up at school. However, instead of taking me home, which I thought they were gonna do, my parents drove me to the hospital and I underwent 4 hours of MRIs and tests, all for fake spat back spasms that were totally invented. And once you lie, you gotta commit to the bit. Right? So I just went with it. And at the end of all these tests, the doctor said to my mom and my dad and me in this room, I'm sorry to tell you, your son, Connell, has scoliosis. And so he diagnosed me with a false back problem that I didn't even have because I was trying to get out of a geometry test.

Connell Barrett:

So I've told that story many times. And why does that story work well with women? It's because it's vulnerable. I'm talking about what a dumbass I was in grade school. It's also vulnerable to talk about being bad at something. Bad at math, bad at geometry. To this day, I could not do a geometry proof to save my life. So that's one of my stories I love to tell. I also talk briefly on a date, or I have, about my failed marriage.

Connell Barrett:

I was married for 9 weeks. I was married for 9 weeks. And, yeah, just 9 weeks. That was a really short marriage. My marriage was over so fast, we fought for custody of the wedding cake. That's fast. So I've told that story on some dates. Again, I'm not doing it from a place of negativity.

Connell Barrett:

I'm talking about it through the lens of what I've learned. I've grown. I've told dates that I owe it to my ex wife because she was the one who ended it. Thank god. She had the courage, the bravery to end our 9 week mistaken marriage. Basically, she settled for me. I settled for her. Neither of us wanted to be married.

Connell Barrett:

So I will talk about this on a date. And when I do this with women on dates or when I have done this in the past, women are just blown away by how real and honest I am. So look into your past for personal stories. And if you're gonna be vulnerable, if you're gonna talk about something difficult or just embarrassing that happened to you, think about it through the lens of tell the story, but then share the lesson you learned or share how you've grown since then, or maybe just laughing about it is enough to give her a great experience. One last point about telling personal stories on dates. It's just so powerful because we're all just wired to love stories. We love a good movie, a good story, a good narrative. So you can tell a 1, 2, 5 minute story about your life, and that's gonna have her on the edge of her seat, wanting to know more.

Connell Barrett:

You'll be sharing about you. It's genuine. It's real. It's authentic. And then because you're going first, she can then open up to you about her stories, about what happened to her in her life. I remember on my first date with Jess, I told her about forgetting what I mentioned first. I think it might have been something about a car accident I was in, and then she told me this really powerful story about the car accident that she got into with her brother. Luckily, no one was hurt, but it was one of those scary life moments of 2 people just opening up and being real with each other.

Connell Barrett:

So even though we bantered and flirted and joked a lot, we also dropped that guard, and got really real on that first date, and that helped us to connect. Okay. So let's go to, actually, let's take a really quick break. We'll be right back. You struggle with dating. Right? Sure. You have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating.

Connell Barrett:

Hey. I struggle with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I wanna personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to dating transformation.com and book a free call with me.

Connell Barrett:

On our call, I'll tell you how my 1 on 1 coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to dating transformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Okay. And we're back. Let's continue. 1st date move number 3. Give her a sexy compliment and use the word sexy.

Connell Barrett:

Here's why this works. It's a date. You're allowed to let a woman know that she's sexy. You're a man. She's a woman. She's there on a date with you. It'd be weird not to tell a woman she's sexy, assuming it's true and assuming you mean it. And a lot of guys I talk to, a lot of the men who come to work with me, have never made any kind of move on a first date.

Connell Barrett:

They've never said to a woman, you're sexy, you're interesting, you're cool. They just think that's somehow weird and ungentlemanly. I beg to differ. Women are on a first date with you because they want to romantically connect with you, hopefully, but they also just wanna feel sexy. Who doesn't? We all wanna feel sexy. So I want you to give women a sexy compliment. Here's how to do it. Don't make a sexy compliment about their looks or something purely physical.

Connell Barrett:

Make it a trait. Make it something about her that you notice and that it could be the tiniest thing, her laugh. It could be the way she walks. It could be the really cute way she bites her lower lip when she's thinking about something. You could say, hey. You know what's really sexy about you? You do the cutest thing. When you think about something, you look up to the left and you bite your lower lip. It's really cute.

Connell Barrett:

Anyway, what were you saying? And then you just go on with the conversation. So by playing this sexy compliment card, you're basically saying, look. Here's how I hear how you're making me feel as a man, and you're a woman. Here's how you're making me feel. That is gonna keep you out of the friend zone. If there's if there's not a quick fix for getting out of the friend zone, but this is as quick a fix as I have. Give her a sexy compliment. And by the way, when you tell a woman something about her as sexy, that's not just about her physical appearance, her intelligence, her wit.

Connell Barrett:

On my first date with Jess, I remember telling her how sexy I found her intelligence, her wit. It blew me away. I even said to her, look. I'm usually the funny, funny, witty one on the date. I'm just trying to keep up with you. It's really sexy. And she later told me how she just loved hearing that. She loved hearing that I could see that inner beauty.

Connell Barrett:

So when you compliment a woman about finding something sexy about her, Look. It would be creepy if you made it about her ass, if you made it about, visualizing the 2 of you in bed. That could be creepy set at the wrong time at the wrong moment. However, letting a woman know her wit, her intelligence, her sense of humor, her adventurousness, knowing a trait about her is sexy to you, man, they love that. A woman loves that. And, of course, as always, make it genuine. Make it authentic and real. Don't just say this.

Connell Barrett:

Don't just force a sexy compliment because dating ginger guru, Connell Barrett, said so on his podcast. Do it because you mean it. Do it because it's real. Do it because you feel it. Women love a genuine real man who's just saying he's open, he's true, he's honest. So give her that sexy compliment, and know that when you do, you are going right into that top 1% of men because every guy might find her beautiful or sexy or physically attractive. You're that top 1% guy who finds her, the person, the woman inside sexy. So give her a sexy compliment and make it about a trait, not about just about her physical appearance.

Connell Barrett:

Here's a quick story of me doing this on a date, and it saved the date. I was about to get stuck in the friend zone. I could, I could just tell. This was years ago. I had a first date with a woman named Rebecca from Bumble, and I was playing it safe. I wasn't taking my own advice, and I just wasn't putting that sexy card on the table. And she gets up, walks to the ladies' room. As she walks to the ladies' room, I say I noticed to myself, I say to myself, wow, she has the sexiest walk I have seen in ages.

Connell Barrett:

And I remember saying to myself, hold on to that, Connell, tell her that when she gets back. So she comes back, sits next to me, and I lean over to her and I say, hey. I gotta tell you something. I could not take my eyes off you when you walked to the ladies' room. You have the sexiest walk I've seen since Obama was president. And she blushed, and for the first time the entire date, she touched me. She leaned into me. She put her hand on my chest, and she said, oh, well, I did some modeling in my twenties, I know how to walk the way that men like, and I said, yeah, you sure do.

Connell Barrett:

So I was just really just telling a genuine truth and noticed I didn't make it about her body, although I could see her body. I made it about the way she walked. So that's more of a behavior and a trait than something just about her body. And in that moment, we were, like, all over each other from that point on. At that point, we hadn't kissed yet. Nothing had really happened romantically. As soon as I gave her that sexy compliment, it totally changed the romantic atmosphere of the date. Okay.

Connell Barrett:

First date move number 4 is to find emotional commonalities. Find emotional commonalities even if you can't find surface level commonalities. What I mean is you may or may not have things in common with her. Maybe you went to the same college, maybe you don't, maybe you didn't. Maybe you like the same TV shows, maybe you don't. Not everyone has stuff in common, but everybody has feelings in common. So don't worry as much about, oh, I love that book too, or I love that TV show too. That's good, but focus more on emotional commonalities rather than purely surface level commonalities.

Connell Barrett:

For example, here's another first date story from my past. I had a first date once with a woman named Jennifer. Jennifer was a painter, an actual artist, and we didn't have a lot in common. You know? She's younger than me. She doesn't like The Beatles. She doesn't know my frame of reference. We didn't have any surface level things in common, but what we had in common was a love of art and creating a creative side. So with Jennifer, I couldn't talk about Beatles music or the same TV shows because we don't have those things in common, but here's what I remember connecting about.

Connell Barrett:

I asked her this question. I said, what do you love to do more than anything in the world? And she said, oh, I love to paint. And I said, oh, why do you love to paint? What's the deeper feeling that painting gives you? And she thought about it and she said, well, it makes me feel, gosh, so connected to my creative side. I just feel alive and time stops. And, an hour feels like a minute. It goes so fast. And then I looked into my mind and my heart, and I thought, okay. What's something that makes me feel the same way? I don't paint, by the way.

Connell Barrett:

I can't connect with Jennifer about painting. But you know what makes me feel alive and creative and makes me feel like time stops? When I'm writing, when I'm writing something creative. So I said, oh, I feel the same way when I'm writing something. Like, when I was writing my book, I basically felt really creative. When I'm writing something and when I'm a journalist. When I'm writing a really good story, that helps me to connect. I'm sorry, that helps me feel like time stops. So I remember saying to her, no way.

Connell Barrett:

I feel the same way when I'm writing something that you feel when you're painting. And we connected about that. On my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess, we didn't have that much in common in terms of liking the same music, liking all the same shows and movies. We didn't really have that in common, but we found emotional commonalities. We both feel the same way about things. We both hate hiking. We both hate math. We both love dogs and love well, she loves cats.

Connell Barrett:

We both love cats and love cats and dogs. So we just basically found out we feel the same way about certain things. So don't worry too much about finding stuff in common. That's just informational commonalities. That's not nearly as powerful as emotional commonalities, and the way to connect with any woman emotionally is I'll give you the exact questions to ask. Ask her, what do you love to do more than anything else? What lights you up? And she'll tell you whatever that thing is. Let's say it's travel. She loves to travel.

Connell Barrett:

And then you ask her why. Why does that light you up so much? How does it make you feel? And she'll tell you the specific reason, the emotional benefit she gets from traveling. And she might say, well, when I travel, I feel like I'm discovering a whole new world and I meet new people and I feel like I'm entering a new world. And then you go into your own experience and ask yourself, because you might not have traveled to the same places that she travels, or you might not feel the same way about traveling, but ask yourself, okay, what experience in my life brings me into a whole other world? And you could have a different answer for that. You might say, I feel the same way. I don't travel as much as you, but when I'm at a museum and I'm looking at a work of art, I feel like I'm entering the mindset of that painter. When I'm reading a great novel, I feel like I'm sucked into the world that Philip Roth has created, and I'm in that world. I feel the same way as you feel when you're traveling.

Connell Barrett:

So this allows you to emotionally connect with any woman even if you don't have surface level things in common with her. So don't worry so much about content liking the same things, although that's a nice bonus if you do. Look for those emotional commonalities. Okay. 1st date move number 5, be physically expressive and touch her the right way the right way. Look. I'm not the 1st coach who's ever said to you, break the physical touch barrier. That's out there.

Connell Barrett:

It's been out there for a 1000000 years. However, there's a right way to touch a woman. Here's the right way. It's really simple. This is gonna change things for you in terms of feeling more comfortable being physically expressive. Every time you touch her physically on a date, especially early on, just make sure that that touch has a reason. If you physically express yourself and you touch her in a way that is supported by a reason that makes sense to her, it's normal, it's good, it's fine, and she might love it. It's touching without any reason that feels weird and creepy to women.

Connell Barrett:

I hate when guys just blindly touch women without having a reason to. So, here's what I mean by that. If you're gonna touch her, have a specific reason such as I was on a date once with a personal trainer. She's a professional personal trainer. And so I said, oh, wow. You're a trainer. Right? And I said, make a muscle for me. She made a muscle with her bicep, and I touched her bicep.

Connell Barrett:

Like, woah. Oh my gosh. You got some real muscles. You would totally kick my butt. Or a reason to touch a woman might be you have a secret to tell her. So you say, hey. Come here. I gotta tell you a secret, and you put your arm over her shoulder as you pull her close to tell her that secret.

Connell Barrett:

That's a reason to touch her. Or let's say early on in the date, you're just trying to first break that touch barrier for the first time. Let's find out you have some kind of emotional commonality. You both feel the same way about something. You find out she loves a certain TV show that you love or you feel the same way about something, and you're like, oh, no way. You like, x y z show? And you give her a high five. Or here's an old school classic. You let's say you notice her jewelry.

Connell Barrett:

She's got a cool ring or a cool bracelet. You take her hand, and you inspect her jewelry. Oh, hey. Tell me the story behind this jade bracelet. What's this about? And because you have a reason for that touch, it makes sense to her. It's not awkward. It's not weird, probably. It's probably pretty normal and pretty confident.

Connell Barrett:

Here's the creepy way to do it, which you should not do, is you just put your hand on her thigh without any reason, without any sense of why you're doing it. You're just doing it because you think you should, quote, break the touch barrier. That's creepy. Or I've seen guys do this out at, like, bars and stuff when they just approach a woman. They're 5 minutes into the conversation, and he just puts his hand on her lower back, but doesn't have the rapport, doesn't have the connection yet with her to get that permission, and I can just see women feeling creeped out. So the bottom line is all you gotta do is have a reason for that physical touch. Back to that story about Rebecca, the story where I said her walk was really sexy. When I said that to her, I didn't just say the sexy sentence, the sexy compliment.

Connell Barrett:

I actually said, come here. I gotta tell you something. And I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to me. So I had a reason for that touch. The reason was I had to tell her this little secret, this little confession. And that's also why that date went from almost a friend zone to sparks flying. So if you're gonna touch a woman, it's always good. Now you, of course, want to read the room.

Connell Barrett:

You wanna notice how she likes your physical touch. If she's not liking it, if she pulls back, you should pull back too. Be genuinely empathetic. Notice how a woman's feeling to the best of your ability. But if she's liking it, if she touches you back, if she's touchy and feels just like you are, now you're in a great place, and you're expressing yourself. And, really, all physical touch is, it's an expression I'm sorry. It's an extension of your authentic expression. So let it be an extension of your authentic expression and have a reason to break that touch barrier.

Connell Barrett:

Alright. Let's take one more really quick break. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's gonna help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool sexy women starting today.

Connell Barrett:

It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are gonna make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the flirty thirty, it's totally free. Just go to dating transformation.com/flirty30. And that's flirty30. Datingtransformation.com/flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. Okay.

Connell Barrett:

We're back. Let's do first date move number 6. The next move is to find out what makes her special or interesting and reflect it back toward her. Find out what makes her interesting and reflect it back toward her. One of the better tips I got from one of my old coaches back in the day, he said, Connell, stop trying to play games and just find out what makes a woman interesting to you. Find out what makes her fascinating was his advice. I thought that was a really good piece of advice from a coach who gave me a lot of bad advice, so I'm not gonna say his name. But I did like that piece of advice.

Connell Barrett:

He said, find out what makes her fascinating. And that's a great mission to give yourself on a date. Find out what makes her interesting, what makes her fascinating, and reflect that back toward her. So whatever it might be, it could be that you're she's fascinating to you, she's interesting to you because she is big hearted. She's generous. I had a date way back in the day with a woman who is a nurse and she has a whole family of nurses, and I found that fascinating because I come from a family of nurses. My mom's a nurse, my mom was a nurse, my mom passed away, but my mom was a nurse, My 2 of my nieces are nurses. My aunt is a nurse.

Connell Barrett:

So I said I found out why she got into nursing, and she had a really interesting reason. And I reflected that back, and I said to her, you know what's really interesting about you? It's how you've turned these challenges that you've seen health challenges. You've seen people in your family's face. You've turned them into a whole career. I think that's really great. I think that's really special. So I reflected back toward her my genuine feelings of being impressed and impressed by her. And, again, just keeping it really real, keeping it really genuine.

Connell Barrett:

So first date move number 6, this helps with that emotional connection, is to reflect back things about her that you find interesting or fascinating. Okay. And let's do first date move number 7. Yes. How to go for the first kiss. Go for the first kiss the right way. If you don't go for 1st kisses on first dates, then you're very likely losing out on some pretty wonderful women. And here are 3. I'm gonna give you 3 ways to go for that first kiss.

Connell Barrett:

K? Three simple little techniques. The first technique is called the close your eyes first kiss move. You simply look at the woman, middle or probably later on toward the end near the end of a first date, and you say close your eyes. Why do you say close your eyes? Because by telling her to close your eyes, you're basically saying in code, I'm gonna kiss you now. And if she closes her eyes, she's saying, you can kiss me, and then you will, and it'll be great. If she doesn't close her eyes, if she's like, oh, no. I can't. I'm not gonna go.

Connell Barrett:

Not here. I don't kiss on the 1st date or I'm shy. That's totally fine. You've gotten an answer, and you don't go for the first kiss. So the close your eyes move allows you to basically test if she's ready and looking for you to kiss her now. If she closes her eyes, she's saying kiss me, you fool. If she doesn't, she's saying not yet, and you get to hold off on going for the first kiss and you don't have to worry about getting the cheek. Here's another first kiss move.

Connell Barrett:

I call this the you know what happens first kiss move. Here's how you do it. This is a good way to make the first kiss feel really smooth to her. So you're on a first date, you're talking about whatever the topic is, and you're thinking, oh, gosh. How do I kiss her? How do I bridge that space? Here's what you do. You're talking about whatever the topic is and you wanna grab something she says and then use the, you know, what happens move. So for example, let's say she's talking about skiing. She's a big skier.

Connell Barrett:

She loves to ski, but she broke her leg. She's talking about breaking her leg when she was, I don't know, in college. And then you say to her, well, you know what happens to women who hurt themselves skiing. Right? She'll say what? And you say, they get kissed, and you move in as you're saying they get kissed. Does it make sense? Another example might be, again, you literally just grab any detail that she is sharing with you. If she talks about her I don't know. She has 2 dogs and a cat, and she's got all these crazy funny pet stories. You could say, well, you know what happens to girls who have dogs and cats.

Connell Barrett:

Don't you? She'll say, what? And then as you move in, you say, they get kissed. So this, you know what happens, a little line creates a bridge to transition from the topic that you're discussing to the fact that you're about to kiss her. And a lot of my clients love this because it just feels really smooth to them. And that way, you don't have to feel like you're just randomly going for a kiss out of nowhere. You're giving her a heads up that this is gonna happen, and it just comes off as really smooth. Okay. Here's first kiss move number 3. This is very simple.

Connell Barrett:

You just look at her and say, I wanna kiss you. You say it with a smile, sly little smile. You and did you hear my voice? Let me say it again. Here's how you wanna sound. You wanna sound a little bit turned on, but not, like, you know, super vulgar. Basically hey. I wanna kiss you. Can you hear the little smile on my voice? I don't know if you're watching this video, but you can hear the smile on my voice.

Connell Barrett:

Hey. I wanna kiss you. 2 of the sexiest words to women is a man who says, I want. Here's what I want. I want to go on a date with you. I want us to go to another bar. I want to kiss you. And the nice thing about saying I want is you're, again, you're giving her a heads up of what you want.

Connell Barrett:

You're giving her total agency to say yes or no, which is beautiful. Consent is sexy. I'm a big fan of consent. However, I'm not a big fan of asking a woman permission to kiss her. Dear milady, might I have your permission to please place my lips upon yours? No. Don't do that. Unless you're a time traveler from the 19th century here to find love in 21st century America, don't do that. I'm not a fan of may I kiss you.

Connell Barrett:

It just comes off as low and confident and timid. That's a turnoff. However, you can say, hey. I wanna kiss you. And if she's up for it and ready, she'll say, what are you waiting for? Or she'll give you a green light visually somehow with her eyes. And if she's not ready, if she pushes back and says, oh, well, I I I'm pretty shy. I don't like to kiss in public. Great.

Connell Barrett:

She'll appreciate the fact that you didn't thrust the kiss upon her. She didn't want to. So it's really a win-win. Notice what all three of these first kiss moves have in common. They're all giving her a heads up, information that you're about to kiss her or or that you want to. And that gives her agency, it shows empathy, it shows that you're trying to notice how she feels how she's feeling and behave accordingly, but, also, each of these moves is a move, and you're putting out there what you want, what you're going for. The bottom line is dating is a dance, and your job as the man is to lead that dance to make some moves. And her job as the woman is to say, yes.

Connell Barrett:

I'll dance with you or not. Thank you. Either way, it's fine. All that matters is you gotta be a man who makes some moves. Okay. Here's the bonus tip. I love this one. We're gonna play a little game, or I'm gonna teach you a really fun first date game.

Connell Barrett:

This game is called 5 questions. I'm gonna play this with you almost like I'm doing it on a date. Because you're gonna wanna listen back to this because it does take the right syntax and verbiage verbiage. So you might wanna listen back to it, but this is a really great first date game to play. Because one of our objectives on a first date is to make it fun. How do you make this date fun for her and for you? And if you can make a date fun, there's a really good chance she's gonna wanna see you again, and you're gonna get a second date because girls just wanna have fun, as Cyndi Lauper sang. So one of my favorite ways to have fun and inject playfulness into a date is by playing this game. It's called 5 questions, and it's basically a bar bet.

Connell Barrett:

It's just a bar bet where you could even play for a drink. That's a good way to frame it where you might get a free drink at the end of this little game. But more importantly, it's a great fun game to play. So here's how it works. I'm gonna do it with you right now, almost like I'm doing the game live. Here we go. So you're on the date. You're, I don't know, 15, 20, 30 minutes in.

Connell Barrett:

You said you're, hey. Nice to meet you. You've had a little small talk, and now you're kinda into the date. Basically, you go like this. You say, hey. I have an idea. Let's play a game. Are you up for it? She'll say yes.

Connell Barrett:

You say it's called 5 questions. Here's how the game works. I'm gonna ask you 5 questions. And for you to win the game, all you have to do is get all 5 questions wrong. And then you say to her, if you get any questions right, you lose. So right now you've already peaked her interest because it's like, wait. I have to get all 5 questions wrong? So you basically say, yeah. You just gotta get them wrong.

Connell Barrett:

And if you get any question right, you're gonna lose. And I'm not gonna ask you, like, a trick question that has no answer to it. Like, I'm not gonna ask you, what's the meaning of life? It's gonna be a very it's gonna be a basic question, like, what is 1 plus 1? Something like that. So that's how you frame it, and you basically say, shall we shall we start? And she'll say yes. And, oh, and then you'll also wanna say and tell you what. Remember, all you gotta do is get all 5 questions wrong. But if you get any question right, I win. And let's say a loser buys the next drink.

Connell Barrett:

So now there are some stakes tied to this, and she's gonna say, okay. Great. Let's do it. So now there's stakes involved. It's a competition, but a friendly one. And, so basically, here's how the game works. Now what you're gonna be doing is you're gonna be asking her 3 straight questions, and they're gonna be incredibly simple and easy to answer. And you're gonna make them up at the moment.

Connell Barrett:

And then I'll take it from there because the 4th question is a trick question. So the first three questions, you just come up with the most basic questions. So for example, I might say, okay. Here we go, Jennifer. Let's say I'm on a date with Jennifer. Here we go. Question number 1. What is the name of this bar? We're at some bar and all she has to do is come up with a fake name, and she'll come up with some fake name.

Connell Barrett:

And I'll say, hey. Good job. So far so good. 1 for 1, you got it wrong. And then I'll say, next question. And I'm gonna be asking her questions with a certain tone of voice, almost kinda like game show mode. Like, okay. Here is your next question.

Connell Barrett:

And let's say she and I met on, I don't know, Bumble. And then my next question will be okay. Next one. What dating app did you and I meet on? And she'll say the wrong app because that's how she's gonna try to win the game. So she might say, one girl said Grindr to me, which is really funny. And feel free to laugh. Feel free to have a blast with her silly wrong answers because that's part of the pleasure of the game if you 2 are having fun. So question number 2, I say to her, oh, what app did we meet on? She'll say something absurd like Grindr.

Connell Barrett:

I'll say that that is incorrect. Good job. So far so good. Then I'll do it one more time with a third one. I might say it's literally anything. Just something really simple. What is my first name? It could be that basic. You want to make these first three questions mind numbingly simple, and she'll make up a silly name.

Connell Barrett:

Your name is Ryan Gosling, and that's obviously incorrect. Okay. Here's the moment of truth now. So I have now asked her 3 questions if she's gotten them all wrong. Here's the trick question. Next, I say to her, oh, wait. I've lost count. How many questions was that? And then she is gonna tell me that it was 3 questions.

Connell Barrett:

And I'm gonna say, you lose because what I just did is my, how many questions was that question, was my 4th question. And she's gonna answer it correctly, So she's gonna try to help me by answering correctly, and I'm gonna say, you lose. So again, the first three questions are really mind numbingly simple, and then it's time for the 4th question, the trick question. So I'm gonna change my vocal tonality a little bit. And instead of asking it the way I was asking it before, like, no. Okay. What is my name? I'm gonna change my tone a little bit, and I'm gonna say, wait. How many was that? How many questions was that? As if I'm genuinely asking for her help.

Connell Barrett:

That's the thing that sells it. You wanna sell it as you're genuinely asking her for help. She'll say, oh, that was 3 questions. And then I say, you lose. I'll take a double scotch on the rocks, please. You lose. And then I'll tease her. Oh my god.

Connell Barrett:

You were so easy. That was so easy. I can't believe you fell for that. So that's basically how 5 questions works. There's a more advanced version where you could mess around with her on a 5th final question, but this is enough for today's episode. So, again, play 5 questions. The first three questions are very basic, clear answers that she needs to get wrong, and then give her that trick question for the 4th one. Don't say question number 4.

Connell Barrett:

K? Just say, wait. How many was that so far? She'll tell you the right answer, and then you say, you lose. I'll take a drink, please. And it's a great way to tease and flirt at the same time. Many times on dates, I've said things like, how could you be so cute and so bad at games like this? By the way, I like really expensive drinks, so I hope you brought your credit card. It's a great way to create some fun, flirty kind of friction because you're busting her chops a little bit, but in the best possible way. So give this a try. You know what you could do? Practice the 5 questions game with people in your life.

Connell Barrett:

Before you try it on a date, try it with your friends, Try it at a bar. It's a great bar bet. When I first learned this game, I did it for my nephews and nieces. I tried it out on my family members, and it's really fun, and it's a great first date game to play. Okay. So, what did we learn today? We learned that there are 7 moves that I have learned in my 1,000 first dates that are gonna help you get out of that friend zone. I'm not gonna go through all 7, but I'm gonna say you've learned the power of telling a woman she's sexy on a first date and telling her a reason why she's sexy. You've learned that it's your job as a man to make moves.

Connell Barrett:

Dating is a dance, and you gotta lead that dance. And you also learned that the friend zone is not something that a woman puts you in. The friend zone is something that men do to themselves, just like I did it to myself by not making moves, by not putting that sexy card on the table, by not physically touching the right way, by not going for the first kiss. Every time I got put in the friend zone, it was myself. I put myself there. The woman didn't. I put myself there. She just called it out.

Connell Barrett:

So remember, women don't put you in the friend zone. You do it to yourself, but now you have 7 keys, actually 8 keys, to get out. So go try these out. Okay. If you like this episode, please leave me a review. Reviews really help me. It helps my Apple rankings. It helps, people just spread the word.

Connell Barrett:

So please leave a review or share this episode with somebody you know who needs a boost of dating confidence because, hey, a lot of guys out there need some help. And, remember, your dream girlfriend, she is out there. She's gonna love you, but she has to meet the real authentic you. So go take authentic action. Seize the date. Till next time.