Jake:
Been into Creed this year.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. Confessions of Jake. Talk about being vulnerable and authentic, admitting that you like Creed. Welcome back to the how to get a girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend, and do it all by being authentic. Being your real, most authentic, awesome self, no sketchy pickup artist moves needed. And this episode is very special.

Connell Barrett:
It's perfect for the new year because it's a new year, and I want you to get a new girlfriend in 2025, to have a new wonderful woman entering your life very soon. And today's episode is about how my client, Jake, was able to do just that. When Jake first came to me, he was struggling with some issues that might resonate with you. He did not know how to talk to women. He could not approach. He got stuck in his head a lot. He just didn't know what to say, didn't know how to flirt, and he was also struggling with some issues relating to self confidence. Jake is an engineer.

Connell Barrett:
He's in his early thirties. He lives in the southern US, and, you know, he was battling some things like loneliness. He hadn't had a girlfriend since the mid teens, about 2015, 2016, somewhere around there. And he came to me because he just said, Connell, I'm lonely. I don't know how to talk to women, and I just feel like I'm not what women want. The word he used in one of our very first conversations was, I just feel inadequate. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not charismatic enough.

Connell Barrett:
I'm just not enough. And he and I worked together. And not that long ago, he ended up getting his now girlfriend, Ali, in his life. Ali is I haven't met her, but she's beautiful. She seems so cool and sweet. And she is deeply, deeply in love with the real Jake. And, Jake just became so much more confident, good at flirting, good at approaching, and a lot more dates from the dating apps. And, I'm really proud to say that, by working with Jake, we were able to get him this incredible girlfriend.

Connell Barrett:
And that's what this podcast is called. It's called How to get a girlfriend. So you're about to listen to a fun conversation I had with Jake, basically all about the problems he had and how we fixed them, and how he was able to get a great girlfriend. And along the way, don't just listen to Jake's successes, but also listen to the insights, the tips. I share a lot of insights, so does Jake, by the way, in this episode about about how to talk to women on first dates, about how to get more matches, about having the the right mindset, what I call the higher self mindset, that radically authentic self, that most confident badass version of you, that's the guy women are gonna be most attracted to. So please enjoy this conversation with my former client, Jake, who now has a great girlfriend. He's gonna tell you how he brought her into his life. And going forward on this podcast, I wanna help you get a great girlfriend.

Connell Barrett:
So listen to Jake and I talk about everything from flirting to dating to Creed, the band Creed. Enjoy. Hey, Jake. Happy holidays, man. Long time no chat.

Jake:
Yes. Same to you. Great to talk to you.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Thank you so much for being here. Our listener is super psyched to hear about your journey from struggling in a lot of ways with women and struggling with approaching and what to talk about on dates to now having this incredible incredible girlfriend named Ali. We're gonna talk about you and her shortly. But I thought you and I might begin at the beginning. When you first came to me, you reached out and booked a free call with me and said, hey, Connell. I need some help with some things. What were some of the things you were, most struggling with, when we first spoke?

Jake:
Yeah. Totally. So it's crazy to think where I'm at now compared to where I was a year ago. So, I mean, I'd I'd kind of been reading through your book and, you know, I just for many years, I've been out of college for 7, 8 years and just really struggling to find a good rhythm with dating. I would occasionally go on dates, maybe a couple dates per year, but, just really couldn't seem to get the dates flowing. And I tried several different things. And I think just when I got on the phone call with you, it just was really, I think, a sort of a pivotal moment where I was like, alright. I'm going to do this.

Jake:
I'm going to focus on dating and make it a top priority, and really learn how to date because I definitely had a lot of skills that I was lacking, like being able to get on dating apps and actually take a girl from the first message to off the daps to a date to the to the first kiss. Like, that was just completely foreign to me as well as, you know, many other many other aspects about just wanted

Connell Barrett:
As I recall, you wanted a few simple things. I remember you saying, oh, I just wanna be able to go on a dating app, get some matches, and get dates. I wanna be able to approach women and be confident and know what to say. And I think most of all, you wanted a great girlfriend. Could you elaborate on just what you wanted on day 1?

Jake:
Yeah. For sure. I think I wanted the feeling of, like, I knew what I was doing when I talked to women. I think the

Connell Barrett:
Yeah.

Jake:
The feeling of uncertainty was just killing me. So I just wanted that comfort, that just, like, ability, that smooth ability to go on a date with a girl and just know how to kinda lead things. And, you know, I did want a girl. I wanted a person that I could share my interest with and share just fun, you know, fun dates with, be intimate with. And, yeah, it was just something I hadn't really really had much before. So it was definitely a very strong strong desire.

Connell Barrett:
As I recall, you hadn't had a girlfriend since maybe the mid teens?

Jake:
Yeah. Really since Not

Connell Barrett:
a real one. Right?

Jake:
Pushing yeah. Pushing 10 years since since I've had a a real

Connell Barrett:
girlfriend. Yeah. So you wanted a girlfriend, you wanted some smoothness, you wanted to know what to say, what to do, and you wanted to not have too much uncertainty. And, that's all that all sounds really great. I like to think of a guy like you you you you're like a hero in your own journey, you know, you want like a protagonist in a movie or a novel, you want something wonderful, And the problem with being a hero in a hero's journey is there are certain things that get in the way. There are problems that stop you,

Jake:
and

Connell Barrett:
you had some problems that were getting in the way. We talked on that first couple of those first couple of conversations about that internal monologue you had that felt your words were, I was looking at my notes, draining, frustrating, quote, am I attractive enough? I don't know if I have the social skills to talk to girls. Am I attractive enough? Can you talk a little bit about the internal things that were pushing back, that voice in your head that was hurting your confidence back then?

Jake:
Yeah. It was I mean, it was a lot of different things. But, yeah, mainly that inner voice that would just constantly come up anytime I felt like I made a mistake or didn't do something right. It was just constantly there ready to just make me feel like shit about myself. So, I felt like, yeah, I didn't. I didn't have a lot of dating experience back in high school or college, you know, a couple of short relationships. But, yes, I mean, being able to shut down that voice and actually just have fun on dates was something that was quite difficult to do. Yeah. Going into the beginning of this year.

Connell Barrett:
You wanted and you wanted to meet women in different ways. You wanted to be able to get good matches on dating apps. You wanted to be able to meet women out in the real world, approach, get some phone numbers and dates. Can you share the story you shared with me way back? You're at a restaurant with people you know. As I recall, there was a hostess you were attracted to, and you wanted to talk to her, flirt with her, but something got in the way. Tell us that story if you would.

Jake:
Yeah. I mean, there were honestly several stories like that. So they I think the one you're referring to, yeah, I think I was, like, I think I was maybe with my family and just didn't feel comfortable. I didn't wanna look like an idiot. And, and so, yeah, just totally

Connell Barrett:
got it right. And you didn't wanna be a, quote, creepy loser. Right? Remember that, Chris? That's right. What's so funny is there's nothing creepy about you. You're the coolest, most amazing guy. But that's what I call the lower self. That's what that lower self self doubtful mindset mindset can do to us. If it makes us go, oh, don't be a creepy loser.

Connell Barrett:
Do women see you as a creepy loser? And so that I remember you saying, yeah, you wanted to chat, flirt with a cute hostess, but what if your family saw? What if people saw you get shot down? It was that kinda bullshit.

Jake:
Right? Yeah. Yeah. For sure.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. And so no wonder you needed a little help. It's okay. And, you know, I do this thing with all my clients such as your good self where we give that lower self a name. Mine is Connie because Connie is that identity that represents the fearful doubtful side of me who used to think, oh, you're a skinny, nerdy, ginger girl who girls aren't into. That was why I could not approach women or have any confidence until well into my thirties. And you very vulnerably named your lower self creepy loser. Now it's a pretty painful sounding name, but hopefully in a helpful way because we wanna get in touch with that voice of self doubt keeping this down.

Jake:
Right? Exactly.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. So okay. Creepy loser was your lower self name. So basically, you and I chatted and we said, okay. You want some amazing things, but you've got some self doubt holding you back, and also just some pure mechanics, some flirting and approaching mechanics that were getting in the way, and that internal monologue of basically, oh, am I attractive enough? Am I what women want? Now let's get into some of the fun stuff that we did together. Let's talk about, let's talk about the actions we started to put into place as we started to work. What were some of the things that you felt worked best in terms of flirting, in terms of, assessing the action you were taking? Share some thoughts, please.

Jake:
Yeah. I mean I mean, the first thing was just a few tweaks to the dating apps and starting to get some matches. Like, that was a big shift, and I could finally kinda start to instead of just thinking about what I would do and what I could do right and wrong, it was actually I was out there going on dates and getting to talk to you about it. And really, I think one of the big things that was helpful was, you know, you really it was almost a chore at the beginning, but you were just constantly making me do the heads and tails analysis. What went well? What went bad? And I think that really helped to force out the negative voice in my head. And really got to also just go out and enjoy some fun experiences.

Connell Barrett:
So you're talking about what I call the coin of self assessment. Yes. Here's a tip for everybody listening. When you go out into the world on whether it's a first date or an approach or a match on a dating profile and you're messaging back and forth after any interaction with a woman, you wanna start with heads. What I mean by heads is we wanna start with something positive and empowering, which is what are 1 to 3 things that you did well and feel good about? Because it's so easy to focus on beating yourself up and to say, oh, Connell, I approached that girl, but, you know, she didn't give me her number. She wasn't into me. And if you do that, not you, Jake, but the royal you, if you don't focus on some positive things, then that can hurt your mindset. So we wanna start with, hey.

Connell Barrett:
What did I do well? What can I feel good about? So I remember you going out to approach some women there in your hometown and or near your hometown? And you reported back to me one night, you would talk to, like, 5, 6, 7, 8 women one night out at the bars. And maybe you didn't get phone numbers or dates that night, but you did 2 or 3 other things really well that I think started to give you a little bit of hope, a little bit of, like, hey. Wow. I can talk to women, and they talk back, and everything's okay.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think really being able to just focus on it was a big deal. So, you know, I've got a full time job and everything. So I was going out multiple times a week, at least, you know, 2 or 3 times. I like to try to do a sort of a nighttime, you know, scene and a daytime scene at least at least once a week. Yeah. And would sometimes go out to bookstores or go out to the stores.

Jake:
And, yeah, just getting in the rhythm of just chatting chatting girls up saying, like, hey. What do you think of this jacket? Or what do you think about, what do you think about these things? And when you, when you can get out well, like, when I could get out of my head and just kind of be present and just ask things that were on my mind, it just started happening so much faster. Awesome. Great. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Let's get into that. I'll let you choose the context for this next question. The context could be approaching, could be first dates, but share a story or 2. Share a moment you had where you realized, oh, woah. That's what I can say or do to get more confidence, get a better reaction from women. What stories, what moments jumped to your mind?

Jake:
Yeah. I think there were a couple. I think there was the 1st week where I really started, like, getting a lot of matches on the dating apps. And I think I went on 4 or 5 dates in a single week, which was just that it wasn't that more than I'd been on the entire year before. And I just remember, I remember there was one of them. It was kind of a last minute date that I set up. And me and this girl met at this, like, little little downtown just outside the city vineyard place and had, like, this, this Latin dance night that didn't even know it was going on or actually, like, learned about it just before. So I'd done, like, a couple of Latin dance classes back a few years ago when I was trying to learn, you know, some different skills that would be useful in dating. And I'm not not a great dancer.

Jake:
But just being able to I think coming off this high off of, wow, I've got these matches. I've got these, you know, I'm I'm I feel like I'm having some success. Just went into the state really confident and was able to, you know, have some conversations with this girl. And we went to the dance floor and by no means was, you know, tearing up the floor. But just being able to have fun and, you know, went really well. We were dancing and kissing, and it was just like, one of the first experiences where I was like, oh, man. This is a girl I literally met, you know, 30 minutes ago, and she's already just, like, we're having a great time, having fun. And, yeah, it was amazing to see that that was possible for me.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Well, think about that abundant mentality you were beginning to tap into. 3, 4, 5 dates that week, kissing a girl you had met 30 minutes before, that's what I call dating abundance, where you have all these new wins, or at least options and possible wins compared to the scarcity that you had when, quote, creepy loser was running your dating list.

Jake:
And by

Connell Barrett:
By the way, we forgot to mention something. So we gave you this lower self name, creepy loser. We also gave you what I call the higher self name, which is the name I have my clients give that best, most badass authentic version of themselves. And for you, we came up with Jake the Creator because you like to create. You have all these different different projects. You like to create things. You do a lot of work around your home. You're very you're an engineer, so you're good with your hands.

Connell Barrett:
You're good with creating things. So the idea is that there's a higher self inside of you that has an abundance of lots of women who would love to be with you if they met this higher self. And all of a sudden, it sounds like on this date when you were salsa dancing, Jake, the creator, really came out and realized, hey. I've got a lot of good options here, and it's just that I'm really clicking with this woman.

Jake:
Yeah. For sure. I think I think I knew that that higher self existed, but I couldn't figure out how to bring it out when I was dating. When I was dating, I was just in this yeah. The creepy loser mindset of, I'm not doing this right. I'm not doing that right. And it and it really took a handful of dates. You know? So I think that that was maybe the, you know, maybe somewhere on, like, the 10th date I'd been on.

Jake:
And so it is just that it took a little bit of time to get comfortable with that. But once I got there, it was a lot easier to get there again because I just had a feeling for what that was.

Connell Barrett:
Right. The higher self needs to be reminded every day that he's inside of you. So here's something you can do at home every single morning. Every single morning, it takes 15 minutes. I call it the confidence kickoff or an hour of power, 15 minutes minimum. It can be up to 60 minutes. And literally write down or better yet, say verbally, 3 to 5 things about you that you know make you a good catch for women. And make them I am statements.

Connell Barrett:
I am successful. I am big hearted, or I speak 3 languages, or I love to travel. It can be anything. You just want to shift that lower self mindset away from the things that you think you lack, and start focusing on the things you know you offer. Because that's how we essentially flip that switch and put that higher self in charge. But he needs to be reminded every single day, or else he won't show up. And then we got creepy loser or Connie showing up instead of Jacob Crater or Connell fucking Barrett, which is my higher self name, which is so stupid. It's brilliant.

Connell Barrett:
Connell fucking Barrett. Anyway, okay. Back to your story. So all of a sudden, you've got some great leads coming in on dates. You got multiple women wanting to have dates with you. I remember you struggled early on, or one of the things you were struggling with before you and I worked together was, what do I talk about? Is my content good enough? Is my flirting good enough? And I gave you what I call the 80 20 rule to follow on dates, where, you know, most of what you say doesn't have to be amazing. Anyway, talk about what I call the 80 20 rule, if you would. Talk about how that helped you either with dates or approaching or both.

Jake:
Yeah. That was how I remember it. That was a big that was a big kinda shift for me because I found myself going into dates feeling like if I wasn't performing at at the top level for the entire date, it was it was gonna be a failure, and it was gonna be my fault. But, I remember you telling me, you know, 80% of the conversation can be kinda boring. And yeah. And that's I

Connell Barrett:
I remember saying, I dare Jake, I dare you to be boring. I remember I said go up and approach women and ask them about AI. Remember? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Jake:
I don't

Connell Barrett:
I know how that went, but I just remember you, like, okay. If I could talk about AI, I guess I could talk about anything.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think, yeah. I mean, what it what it came down to was, I think one of the big things that was holding back was my just fear of being boring and uninteresting. I I thought that I thought that I had to be super interesting to a girl for her to be attracted to me when it was really I just needed to show up

Connell Barrett:
Yeah.

Jake:
As myself and be an interesting, like, just normal person. I think I think

Connell Barrett:
Be normal. Just be authentic.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then if it did give me freedom when I did think of something funny, I could throw it in there, and it would be a great moment.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Yeah. Like, what's your favorite band? What are some bands and musical artists you like? Pop or rock? Anybody?

Jake:
Oh, man. It's kind of a meme for me this year, but I've been into Creed this year.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. Confessions of Jake. Talk about being vulnerable and authentic, admitting that you like Creed. Fine. No judgment. No judgment here. I guess my point was about to be, it still is, when you're on a date, you don't have to be Creed's greatest hits. Every song doesn't have to be a banger.

Connell Barrett:
You can just kinda have some jams, have some kind of b sides. And then every so often, maybe you throw, I don't know what Creed's big.

Jake:
Give you some Creed music. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Then cool. One higher per date is enough to make the one we go, damn. I like this guy's music. But, yeah, you don't have to be Creed's greatest hits, or I'm a big Beatles nerd. You don't have to be, don't have to be the number 1, 20 number 1 hits. You can

Jake:
just have, like it could

Connell Barrett:
be side 2 of Abbey Road on a date. Some girls just wanna jam and, like, yeah, rocking out to some tunes. And, that's my little analogy for you don't need to fill a date or an approach with amazing content. Just 80-20 rule. 80% sincere, normal, authentic. 20% 10 to 20% can be what I call man to woman communication, flirting, teasing, compliments, the fun, the fun parts of, banter. But 80% of it can just be Jake being Jake because guess what? Jake is Jake is more than enough because he's Jake the creator. You struggle with dating.

Connell Barrett:
Right? Sure. You have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey. I struggle with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't.

Connell Barrett:
And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I wanna personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to dating transformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my 1 on 1 coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to datingtransformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. It was it was definitely I remember going on dates beforehand, like, before working with you was just very high anxiety Yeah. Through most of the day. Whereas, afterward, especially, it was just a lot more relaxing. Like, I could I I could start to say, am I having like, am I interested in this girl as opposed to constantly thinking about am I performing? Am I doing a good job? It's just am I having am I doing it? Because there were some dates that were not going well and because we just weren't a good fit. And previously, I would I would think I'm no good. I'm a I'm a lousy dating person.

Jake:
I'm not attractive. But kinda as the year went on, I just was able to be a little bit more comfortable with Yeah. Oh, I'm I'm, you know, this maybe this girl isn't for me. Or, and it made the ones where I did connect with them all that much more exciting because it was, oh, wow. There's a connection here. I can

Connell Barrett:
I can feel it? Well, you changed the underlying question that you were asking beneath the surface on a first date. The underlying question, the term I learned from one of my coaches, is the primary question that kinda underscores a date. There's always a question that's being asked. And the old question you were asking, and you tell me if I'm close here, Jake, the old question you were asking was, am I flirting well? Or does she like me? Or how do I impress her? Do you feel like those were some questions that you were asking almost, like, beneath the surface before you and I ever worked together?

Jake:
Yeah. Definitely. It was just

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. How do I get her to like me? What should I say? What's the right move, basically?

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
And you changed the question to, is she a good fit for me? Or maybe the new question became, how do I find out if she meets my standards? That's an amazing question. That's a higher self question. Mhmm. Right? Is she good enough for me, or are we clicking as people as opposed to am I good enough for her? Because that's a total mindset game change if you can shift that the way you think about the date itself.

Jake:
Yeah. For sure. And just being able to be more comfortable. Like, there's things that I enjoy talking about. So bringing those up and being comfortable with that and feeling like this is who I am. This is, let's see if she's, let's see if she's into me and my true self. So

Connell Barrett:
I love that. And you're doing something there called what I call the buyer seller dynamic. Too many men go on first dates or approach a woman with the mindset of I am the seller and she's the buyer, and I wanna sell myself to her. And that is understandable, but it's absolutely poison for connection, for sparks, because that puts you in a lower place than the woman. Because if I'm walking up to you trying to sell myself to you, that means you're above me, and women don't wanna date a guy who's below her. But sounds like you're shifting it to, hey, are you what I'm looking for? Or do we fit as people? And that allows a woman to feel like, oh, gosh. He's kinda screening to find out if I meet his standards. And that's what really attractive great guys do.

Connell Barrett:
A lot of guys do it naturally. You had to learn how to do it, but you started to do it. Let's talk about some fun kind of flirting moves, good old fashioned mechanics. Were there any, you know, I call it man to woman communication. I teach things like, playfulness, good authentic sincere compliments, teasing, storytelling. We talked about the 80 20 rule. Are there any other flirting moves that you learned from me either in my coaching with you or in the book that you felt like, oh, wow. That really worked.

Connell Barrett:
That really resonated.

Jake:
I think one one that I remember is just sort of spiking the conversation and, you know, maybe talking about something totally different. But just, like, finding the right way to just throw something in there that turns it into man to woman. Like, I remember there was this one girl that I went out with, and, we were talking about bands and and

Connell Barrett:
I bet you were talking about Creed, weren't you?

Jake:
That may have come up.

Connell Barrett:
But now there's confidence, a man who can talk about Creed on a first date.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen. So listen to this. She: Okay. He says, she I was like, so what was your, like, what was your, like, you know, favorite band in high school? And she was like, I think it may have been Nickelback. Okay. And so, you know, previously, I would have just, oh, that's funny.

Jake:
That's that's yeah. I like Nickelback too. But I was like I really kinda leaned into it, and I was like, wow. You just got so much more attractive to me that you like Nickelback. Nice. And so just, like, a little little comment like that, because it genuinely was. It was it was it was funny to hear her say that, but also I was like, okay. This is a, you know, girl that, that is not afraid to to say what she's interested in.

Jake:
And so it's just it stuck out to me, and I was able to sort of when I noticed something

Connell Barrett:
Yeah.

Jake:
That was attractive to me, I was like, I pointed it out and actually said it out loud. Nice. And it it it you can just feel the momentum building, because you're you're and and, you know, another girl, like, went out with a nurse one time and and and, like, we were talking about something, and she was talking about her nursing job. And I was thinking about it, and I just kinda stopped. I was like, sorry. I was just thinking about how you probably look really cute in scrubs.

Connell Barrett:
Nice. And I remember this. I remember you telling me about her.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was just like, and I'm not being, you know, I'm I'm not being this, you know, sex hungry dude. But it was just kind of these little comments that I was like, I think I was speaking authentically.

Connell Barrett:
Right.

Jake:
It was doing it in sort of a funny funny joking manner. And, and, you know, we went back to talking about other things. And, but it was just little little moments, little comments that showed that I was interested and showed that I thought she was attractive.

Connell Barrett:
I

Jake:
found those to be things that my previous lower self would say, oh, what if what if she doesn't like that?

Connell Barrett:
Right. And Right.

Jake:
My higher self was to let those things fly.

Connell Barrett:
Let the chips absolutely. Let them fly. Let the chips fall. And if she doesn't like you complimenting her musical taste, I mean, okay, fine, but she's probably not the right woman for you. It comes down to moving toward what you want, creating a real clear goal, that hero's journey, here's what I want, I want a bubbly, amazing girlfriend. On the path to finding her, Jake the creator wants to have fun, sexy, good dates that are enjoyable. And we wanna move toward what we want instead of being overly worried about avoiding what we don't want. It's about being kind of proactive toward, asserting moving toward what your goal is rather than trying to avoid a negative.

Connell Barrett:
And so what I love about that story with the nurse is you just let it fly. You let her know that you thought she was cute or sexy or attractive because she was a nurse or that part of her was attractive to you. And the Nickelback compliment is a great example of what I call positive spike, which is no way. Do you like this band? I like them too. That's so cool. I love that you're into them. And that helps create a sense of, it's genuine too in your case. Now if I was on a date with a woman like that, I would tease the shit out of her for liking Nickelback.

Connell Barrett:
I would say, hey. You know why they're called Nickelback. Right? It's because everybody wants a refund and gets their nickel back when the show's over. It sucks so bad. But that would be authentic to me because I'm a ballbuster. Mhmm. I'm a natural born smartass. You might not have my smartass sense of humor, which is fine.

Connell Barrett:
You and I are not very different, but we're different people. So I love that you're being really you were leaning really into that really leaning into being that authentic self. Can't let you go here. Well and we'll get to you and your girlfriend in a second, but I gotta talk about your trip to New York. You made a pilgrimage. Part of what I do with my clients is anybody who wants to come to New York who works to work with me. We go out for a weekend, and I'm your wingman. Literally, side by side, shoulder to shoulder for 2, 3 in person sessions. You, me, a couple clients come by and hang out.

Connell Barrett:
And, you had a pretty pretty incredible New York City experience. Let's talk about again, you don't need to name names or identify any people, but, you had a pretty fun date. The night before you and I even met in person, you met a woman out on the town in New York City. Can you tell that story? Because that's such a great story about what's possible when a guy goes out there and meets people.

Jake:
Yeah. For sure. So, I mean, I think it was the first time I'd been to New York City, so it really helped. I just got into this vibe of I'm here for a few days. I'm just gonna lay it all on the table and try to have as much fun as I can. And so it was, yeah, it was a great way to get out of the normal routine, the normal normal city. And then, yeah, just the first night I got there the night before and was able to just go out, get some dinner, and chatted to a couple different people, but sat down at the bar. Another girl came up, sat beside me, just started chatting, sort of started, started joking around, and I actually like it, she asked me while I was there.

Jake:
And so

Connell Barrett:
You're seated up at a bar at a restaurant. Right? You're kind of adjacent to each other?

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. And What'd

Connell Barrett:
What does she look like? Paint a picture for our listener, if you would.

Jake:
Yeah. I mean, she was, she was, like, Latina and kinda clearly just grabbing a quick drink after work. And so and, yeah, we just started chatting, and she, you know, she couldn't believe that I was, you know, first time in New York City. And so we just started chatting and joking around. And and so I think it was a Thursday night, and so, like, I was like, hey. I'm out to see the city. You wanna you wanna go hit a few spots? And she's like, yeah. Sounds great.

Jake:
So we bounced around to several bars and, and, you know, just had a fantastic time. It was fun. Mhmm. And, you know, it was a great sort of man to woman connection. We had some great, some great inside jokes that we came up with. And, yeah, it was just a great, great first night in New York City.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. So you had gone by then. This was before we actually went out and did our coaching together. This was the night before. So you were taking your own action, which is fantastic. And compare what you did compare you and that hostess from many, many, many months ago, where you barely even talked to her, you didn't wanna ask her out, you didn't wanna be creepy, quote unquote, to just chatting with casually chatting with a really attractive, intriguing New York City woman next to you. And you guys went out and you had an instant date. You just went out, hit the town, and really hit it off romantically that night.

Connell Barrett:
Right? So that's what Jake, the creator, is capable of. Right? Being able to meet a woman and all of a sudden you're out on the town with her, which is incredible.

Jake:
Yeah. Totally. It was just being able to get into that zone of I'm here to meet people and have fun. And I think that just came across as attractive and interesting and as opposed to her just going home and having an early night. We Yeah. Out late and went to a jazz bar and just went to all these different cool places. Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
It would have been so easy for you to say, oh, you know what? I'm not gonna talk to this woman. I'm gonna be with Connell tomorrow. I'll just keep it chill tonight and not even talk to her, or maybe talk to her, but not lead it anywhere. But you you you by then, you had adopted this core philosophy that I shared with you, which is assert your ideal outcome with a woman until you and she get it in a win win way that everybody loves, which you and she went out that night and had a great night, or until you get clear evidence that, hey. Thanks, but no thanks. Not interested or, you know, I can't go out. So you were already moving toward playing to win, basically. You're playing to win, and you had a great night with her.

Connell Barrett:
Let's fast forward to our weekend together, in person coaching, so it's you and me, a couple other clients came by, and basically I'm your wingman for the weekend. I'm having you go approach women, I'm giving you feedback. I'm watching. I'm helping. I'm approaching women and talking to them with you. Think back to that weekend if you would. What moment stands out? What was a highlight moment for you? Any insights you had, anything you did or felt that weekend that made you feel like, wow. This really helped me.

Jake:
Yeah. Well, I feel like I need to tell a story about the one most memorable moment, which was the, you were we were out at the club, and you were

Connell Barrett:
you

Jake:
were kinda giving instructions, which was great because I'm not super comfortable in the club environment. So just having you to kinda just say, hey. Try this. Try this. Yep. And so you told me about the hand of God moving.

Connell Barrett:
The hand of God. Yes. Cue cue choir of angels. Let me let me explain what the hand of God is, and I'll let you take it from there. Okay? K. So the hand of God is tough to teach on a podcast, but the hand of god is a great way to approach a woman in a club, especially on the dance floor. So we're on this dance floor. The hand of god is you extend your hand out to you tap a woman on the shoulder, you extend your hand out, and you do it in an over the top, absurdly, almost narcissistically confident way.

Jake:
Yes. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
You are and visualize the, was it Michelangelo's, Renaissance painting in the Vatican, God reaching out to Adam. You're reaching your hand out to a woman as if to say, I shall give you the pleasure of dancing with me. That's and there's no verbal. It's a completely silent dance floor approach, hand out, and you assume she's gonna take your hand. It's called the hand of God because it's such an absurd, silly thing to call it that. So anyway, that's how you can approach a woman on a dance floor without any words. You just put your hand out as if you are reaching down from the heavens to grant her a moment with a godlike person in you. That's the hand of god.

Connell Barrett:
I'll let you go to the story of this probably Friday night with me and my other client, Aaron, was with us.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. You'd just told me, hey. Try this. And I was like, alright. Let's do it. So I was kinda walking across the dance floor and saw this tall blonde, looked like a, you know, Russian model type type lady. And and, and so just went with the most I think I did, like, a hand twirl.

Connell Barrett:
Right.

Jake:
And just and just literally the whole group of people around were kinda just, like, looking at me. And,

Connell Barrett:
and hold on. Let me jump in real quick. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to Yeah.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Be, steer like be bossy here. But as I recall, you tapped her on the shoulder, she turned, you extended your hand, the hand of God, and at first she said no. Yeah. Right? Or she said no thanks, but then did, like, all these people didn't her social group kinda, like,

Jake:
get on? A couple of the girls and the dudes were like, no, you gotta, like, you gotta dance with this guy.

Connell Barrett:
You kept your hand out. You, like, insisted politely.

Jake:
It was it was a good, like it felt like minutes, but it was probably 3 or 3 or 4 seconds

Connell Barrett:
Yeah.

Jake:
Okay. Before she finally gave in, it was kinda like the dog that catches the bus. Didn't know what to do after that, like, kinda danced for a little bit. I think it, like, tried to kiss her and

Connell Barrett:
I remember butts were being squeezed. I remember it looked like dirty dancing. You were both into it. I remember Erin and I were just cracking up. Erin's my other client who was with us, and we were watching you like, oh my god. They look like they're grinding on the dance floor. I had seconds or 20 seconds earlier she was saying, oh, no. I can't.

Connell Barrett:
But you were insistent, but you were persistent, but it was playful. Right?

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. And it is it I didn't, at that time, really know how to transition to, oh, let's have a conversation. Let's have fun on the dance floor. So it was a but it was it was definitely a memorable memorable moment, which kinda was maybe maybe one of the peaks of my my confidence

Connell Barrett:
as well. Yeah. And that and that's what we wanna have, these experiences of clear new evidence that you are very attractive to lots of women. Because that lower self can stick around and say, you're a creepy loser, you're inadequate, if we don't give counter evidence. So when you go on 3, 4, 5 dates a week, when you make out with a cute girl, you know, who you're dancing, salsa dancing with, when you do the hand of God, all of a sudden you're grinding on the dance floor with a random gorgeous woman, all of a sudden that lower self realizes that that it's bullshit and that you really are Jake the creator. And that's our brain needs that evidence and that proof of success. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad.

Connell Barrett:
It's a free thing that's gonna help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are gonna make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the flirty thirty, it's totally free. Just go to dating transformation.com/flirty30. And that's flirty30.

Connell Barrett:
Datingtransformation.com/flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. Alright. Let's talk about the big win here for you. So, you have a wonderful girlfriend named Ali. I've seen photos of you. She's adorable.

Connell Barrett:
She's a really cute brunette, I think. And, tell me a little bit about you and Ali. And specifically, I'm curious about any moments that you had early on with her, whether it was an early date or interaction with her where you realized, oh, wow. I know what to do here. She's really into me. Or you share any wins that you experience along the way with lovely Ali.

Jake:
Yeah. So there was I think I should start, like, at the very beginning, and we matched on Hinge, I think it was. Okay. And, it took a couple tries to get the conversation going. And I thought that she'd lost interest. I thought she had moved on. She didn't reply to a couple of my messages. But I sent one more message, joking about, you know, how she was sick and, she must have she must not have made it.

Jake:
And it was this flirty kind of playful way, and she just immediately replied and was like, oh, sorry. If you know, I was busy. And so I took it. I was like, alright. Let's text off the app. You know, maybe we can go on our 1st date walk through the Walgreens aisle to get some cold medication.

Connell Barrett:
Wow. Hey, big spender.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. So just, like, fun, flirty.

Connell Barrett:
Nice.

Jake:
And then set up the first date. And, and I think it was that I'd had a couple of moments, but it was one of these moments where I was instantly attracted to her. I was like, man, this girl is just gorgeous. And then it was one of the first moments where I started talking about things that I was interested in. Nerdy things like AI and tech and, you know, space and rockets and these kinda nerdy stuff. And I could just see her getting so attracted to me. It was like, I can't and she's still to this day just I'll start talking about these things, and she's like, man, this is so hot. And so I'm like, this is I I did not believe that this girl existed before.

Jake:
And so sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Connell Barrett:
But you're good. You're good.

Jake:
Essentially just, yeah, really, at that point, I'd been on this way towards the end of, this was several months after we had, you know, stopped working together or finished out the program. And just at this point, I'd finally gotten what I'd been talking about, which was this sort of comfort of, okay. I see what's happening. She's into me. I'm into her. Now it's just my job to kind of lead the interaction. So we kinda bounced around. We went to this, it was kind of this sports bar or this bar that had, like, games.

Jake:
It had, like Was this your first date? Yeah. 1st date. Okay. And, so had this it was kind of this outdoor. It was during the summer. They had, you know, they had ping pong, billiards, darts, all this kind of thing. So we got to just kinda walk around, and it was extremely flirty just right from the get go. And one of the things that I really liked is girls that are bubbly and just very responsive, which she was, which just made it easy for me.

Jake:
Yeah. And so just I think we were, we were just all over each other, really, just within 30 minutes

Connell Barrett:
of the date.

Jake:
So it was one of these oh, wow. This is one of those great connections. Yeah. And so was able to go to a, had a couple different, you know, things planned. So we went to a couple different bars in the area, but it was a great date. And so, yeah, we set up several dates to go out.

Connell Barrett:
Do you feel I mean, I'm gonna ask you the most loaded question in the world. Were you genuine and authentic, and was it just natural on that date with her? Or did you use toxic planned pickup moves?

Jake:
No. I was totally, I felt, I mean, I think at that point, I, you know, I figured out how to sort of joke and tease and, but do it do it in an authentic way. Yeah. And it was I think it was the first or it was one of those moments where, okay, there are girls there are attractive girls out there that are into me specifically, my quirky type of person that I am. So, it just takes a little bit of going through the numbers to find them. Sure. And so but yeah. No.

Jake:
I just felt like I was, I felt like I was being the creator. It was nice. I was making jokes, telling stories, and just felt super confident having this hot girl just be super into me. And so What was

Connell Barrett:
your first kiss like, or how did that happen?

Jake:
We were so we'd walked away from the bar to one of these, like, shuffleboard games, where you throw little things and try to land. And, you know, she was, like, we were just joking. Oh, you're, like, we're just joking about, you know, being good or bad, and that was that was a bad throw. And but we were and you have to walk back and forth. So we were kind of flirting with each other as we were walking to either side of the shuffleboard. And, and, yes, like, we were almost kinda forgetting the game. We were just so into each other. So it was pretty seamless just sort of put my arm around her and first kiss right there in the middle of the bar, tons of people, but it was just like nobody else was there.

Jake:
So yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Just felt like the thing to do.

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. And then multiple times throughout the night, it just felt very natural. Having her be super interested in me made it easy. Like, I didn't have to feel like I had to force it.

Connell Barrett:
I felt

Jake:
like I had to, I definitely had to initiate it. Okay. I think that was a big thing that I had struggled with. But at this time, I was able to oh, okay. She's clearly into me. Let's kiss.

Connell Barrett:
Right. I remember you learning that lesson from a previous woman who you had not initiated it with.

Jake:
Mhmm. Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
And I forget the specifics, but basically, you had to be reminded a couple times through trial and error. Unfortunately, error with previous situations oh I didn't lead it I didn't escalate it I didn't lead that dance and then that woman lost interest whoever she was obviously you learned that lesson with Ali and that you let it naturally authentically and naturally, but you still made the decision to lead the dance, right?

Jake:
Mhmm. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. I think of dating as a dance. Generally, men and women, the masculine male essence leads the dance and the woman follows, says yes or no, and obviously she said yes to your lead, but you had to learn that of course, and what a wonderful benefit. I'm gonna read a text you sent me a couple weeks back, you said a great cute picture that you sent me of you and Ali. You guys are waving and giggling and smiling. And you wrote to me, and she is infatuated with the authentic me. Are you referring to the fact that you can talk about stuff like AI and nerdy, quote, unquote, nerdy stuff and and creed, and she said do it? Is that what you mean?

Jake:
Yeah. Yeah. Totally. I mean, and, like, I think one of the things that I like about her, she's extremely engaged, and she wants to hear about what I'm interested in. And, so it's super enjoyable to be able to talk about those things and have her be excited about it. So and and, yeah, it's awesome. It makes it really fun.

Connell Barrett:
And you also sent me another text message. You actually sent me a screenshot of what Ali had written to you, and I'm quoting a little bit from Ali messaging you about an upcoming little sleepover you 2 were planning. She wrote to you, that sleeping bag looks amazing, all capped. I'm so excited to experience this with you. I completely agree that we both will have to be naked in that sleeping bag, and I might need you to warm me up in some other ways. I'll keep it PG for now. But, anyway, you are clearly with a wonderful young woman who is super into you. I'm so proud of you, for lack of a better term, happy for you.

Connell Barrett:
I'm not surprised, but I'm super impressed. How does it feel to have this young woman in your life, this first girlfriend in almost 10 years? How does it feel? Fire away.

Jake:
Yeah. A lot of times, I'm like, is this I I I sometimes try to think about, like it's hard to imagine, you know, going 10 years without a girlfriend. So it's it's, it's awesome. It's fun.

Connell Barrett:
I only went 30 years without it. So, hey. No. No judgment here. Go ahead.

Jake:
I mean, it it's it's, yeah. I mean, it was one date for me that has always been one of those that felt like it was the wall I could never get over. And so it's really been, yeah, awesome to feel like I've made a big leap forward in being able to get a girlfriend. And, and, yeah, it's one of the most enjoyable things that I've done. So I've been really, really thankful for being able to do this this year and work with you. And I think, like, just the ability to have somebody to, like, focus on it with me. Like, I tried multiple years to do this, but being able to have somebody that I think understood how I like, you understood my problems. Like, there's certain different types of problems that I think people have, and you understood my problems.

Jake:
You were able to kinda coach me through how to get through that.

Connell Barrett:
So,

Jake:
It's been a huge, huge confidence boost, a lot of fun. So

Connell Barrett:
Well, let's end with, you thank no. Thank you so much. That means so much to hear that from you. I love you. I love you. I'm sorry. I'm a guy. I love you.

Connell Barrett:
That's better to say. I love you. I don't love Nickelback or Creed, but I love my man, Jake. And I remember when you and I first spoke, you said, Connell, I I have this really cool house that I've worked hard on, and it's, like, you know, you've done some work around the house, and you said, and I I don't have anybody to share it with. I wanna fill this house with love and romance, and it sounds like you've been able to do that. And we're talking right now in the middle of the holidays, so I'm so so proud of you and happy for you. Let's end with one final tip because the guy listening to this probably won't work with me, and that's okay. This podcast is a kind of an audio dating coach.

Connell Barrett:
So for the guy listening to this, if you had to give him one tip, one thing you want him to start doing, or a tip I gave you that helped, or a philosophy to adopt, no wrong answer. I'll give you a quick while you think about something, I'll share mine for this episode, which is ask yourself every single day, what do I want? What kind of woman do I want to be with? What kind of girlfriend do I want? Who, what kind of person would really make my life feel even more meaningful and connected, meaningful and connected, and then take one authentic, but scary action every day. Just one. You know, asking out your crush, or approaching a woman, or or just saying hello to an attractive woman you see at a coffee shop. If you do one scary, uncomfortable thing every single day, that is taking a step toward getting you the kind of girlfriend you want, you might be surprised how quickly or or or how fast or at least how, effectively you can move toward that relationship. So my tip here for the end of the episode is to take one courageous, authentic action every day, and be moving toward a goal and an outcome of finding that wonderful girl/woman to share your life with. That's my little parting tip. What about you? Final tip, game changing tip you would like our listener to take away from your chat with me today?

Jake:
Yeah. I mean, I think I think the tip that I would have liked to hear is just that being like, be open to the idea that what you want in a girl and what you want in a relationship is possible. That it's not like you're unworthy of it. It's not like you're incapable of attracting a girl, but it does take some mindset work. It takes some mechanics being a little clunky, having those awkward moments that you just gotta, like, laugh at. But it is definitely possible for you. And I think being able to, just go through that process. I mean, I would say it took a good 6, 7 months of a lot of focused effort.

Jake:
A couple of relationships and Mhmm. You know, failed, failed, dates. But got to that point where I understood who I was, what I wanted, and came out better on the other end. Yeah. I was so happy I went through that experience. And it was, you know, it was work. It was kinda difficult at times, but it was right. It was extremely worth it.

Jake:
So I remember a lot of times I would get well, I think one of the things that kept me held back from having dating success before was just because I would get maybe a little demotivated or, you know, lack of confidence that I could do it and get distracted on other things. But it was worth it to kinda focus on it for a time period and have that success, the taste of success. So Amazing. Definitely worth it.

Connell Barrett:
Well, the creepy loser is dead. No more loneliness. No more feelings of inadequacy. No more getting too stuck in your head about dating. Instead, you have become Jake the creator, and you created a wonderful relationship, and I'm so proud of you. Thank you so much for being here today.

Jake:
Yeah. Thank you for being the coach. And, yeah.

Connell Barrett:
And thank you for standing up and telling the world about Creed. Finally, people know how great they are.

Jake:
They're making a comeback. It's gonna happen.

Connell Barrett:
Alright. I'm gonna listen to Creed later . I'm not sure if I'm allowed to play Creed if there's a copyright thing. I'm not sure if that'll be in the audio, but

Jake:
I will listen to Creed. Outro to

Connell Barrett:
If copyright allows me, I will play Creed on the way out. If it doesn't, it's

Jake:
not

Connell Barrett:
It's my fault. I don't want to pay them a penny. Anyway, thank you so much, Jake. And by the way, thank you for listening. And, remember, your dream girlfriend, she's out there just like Jake's was, and she already likes you, but she's gonna have to meet the real authentic you. So go out there and take courageous authentic action. Carpe datum. Seize the date.

Connell Barrett:
We'll see you next time.