Connell Barrett:

I mean maybe the best dating tip of all is have fun to to quote the great 20th century philosopher Cindy Lopper, girls, they want to have fun.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome to the dating transformation podcast. Here's your host dating Coach Connell Barrett

Connell Barrett:

And we are back. Welcome to the dating transformation podcast. I'm your host Connell Barrett, helping you gain confidence, learn to flirt, and find a great relationship, all by being authentic. No creepy pickup artist moves needed. And I'm really psyched today because we have a special guest who I think we're going to break the record for dating tips given on a single episode because we have a really special guest today. My guest today is Amber Brooks. Amber is a prominent figure in the dating industry, and she has penned over one thousand eight hundred articles on every dating topic under the sun. And she's also written in depth profiles on dating professionals, reviewed dating sites, and given lots of dating advice. Amber's insights have appeared on various media outlets, including the Washington Times and Zeus Date Mix. And the big thing you need to know is she is currently the Editor in Chief for DatingAdvice.com. This is the biggest resource for dating advice on the web. And she's also the editor-in chief of Datingnews.com. Amber, thank you so much for joining us today.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure.

Connell Barrett:

It's my pleasure. I'd say the over under on dating tips is twenty-seven that we can get to that now it's about one minute no pressure maybe we'll get there maybe we won't and I'm super glad to have you here today because a lot of people, men especially struggle with dating, especially online dating. And what's great about DatingAdvice.com is it's just absolutely chalk filled with short, simple, practical pieces of dating advice. So let me ask you this DatingAdvice.com what's the mission and how does it help singles find each other?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, that's a great question. We started in early 2012 with the idea of just becoming a resource for singles of all kinds to find the answers that they're looking for. Kind of like a WebMD kind of resource, answering every question we could find. So, yeah, we kind of dove in and started partnering with experts to contribute to our content and answer questions that they were seeing. We have different sections for men, for women, for online dating, gay and lesbian, and senior dating. Our main kind of buckets that we try to fill every month. And our mission is just to give advice that is realistic, that is useful, and that people can apply to their lives easily. We don't subscribe to one advice fits all kind of mentality, so we try to get a lot of different perspectives on the different kinds of strategies and different dating approaches that you can take. So really our goal is just to talk to everybody that we can about dating and relationships. I've been at the company since 2015 and, yeah, it's been a wild journey. There's a lot of different opinions out there about dating.

Connell Barrett:

Everybody's got an opinion about it, don't they do?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah. And they're very willing to tell you about it. Everyone who's been on one date considers themselves a dating expert, so we have a lot of resources to draw from there.

Connell Barrett:

You must feel like a physician, a doctor, I'll bet, or a lawyer. You know how, like, in your family, maybe there's a doctor or a lawyer, and you go to the doctor and say, hey, Uncle Larry, my elbow is hurting me. I think I have a fever. When you mention to people that you're the editor in chief of DatingAdvice.com, is it instantly, oh, my gosh, help me. Let me ask you this.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, I get a lot of that. Or can you look at my profile or screenshots of text messages? What would you say? And that kind of thing. But, yeah, it's always just fun to be able to help and say, like, oh, there's an article about that. And so I always just link to articles and those kind of conversations so I don't have to be me giving the advice and be like, well, Honda Ridge said this, or something like that, right? Yeah, I always try to source myself, of course.

Connell Barrett:

And the site has over 250 experts. That's an amazing amount of experts and a lot of traffic. Did I see on your site something like 10 million no, sorry. Did I see 10 million no. 2 million words of advice, was that right?

Amber Brooks:

Two million words of advice is right. Yeah, I probably wrote about half a million of those.

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

Amber Brooks:

We have Two hundred fifty experts that we kind of rotate through, and we have some favorites who kind of show up monthly. But, yeah, we just talk to a lot of different people and end up promoting a lot of different types of content. So, yeah, we're very fortunate that we've been able to work with. I feel like we've talked to most everyone in the dating industry at this point. If we haven't found you, then, yeah, we're not doing our job right. So everyone from dating app owners to dating coaches, matchmakers, wedding planners, if it's related to love, we'll talk about it.

Connell Barrett:

Wow. Amber, you've written a half a million words of dating advice. You're like the tolstoy of dating advice. Stephen king of dating advice. Incredibly prolific. Before we get to some of those, we're not going to get to half million quite of those tips, but we'll get to a few before we get to those. What initiatives have you driven on the site that you want to mention? What features or pieces of content are you most proud of@datingadvice.com?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah. So when I came on board before that, we had been relying solely on outside experts to write our content. And then we started growing talent in house. And so I was part of kind of this interview effort that we did where we just wanted to talk to people and get their stories and share them with their audience directly. So what we were doing is we were kind of just like reaching out to a restaurant owner or a singles event hoster or anything that we thought could be a helpful resource for people and doing a profile on them. And we still do that content today. It's just been very useful and successful and very specific. It's not just like, oh, take her out to a bar. It's like, take her to this bar. This bar is owned by this guy and they're doing a music night on Wednesdays. So we try to give very specific practical opportunities. And so that's been really helpful to bring people from all across the country to our site and kind of give them very specific tips.

Connell Barrett:

Fantastic. So, you said something before we turned on the mic here about your fiance. So obviously you are in a relationship. Can you talk a little bit about your dating story, how you navigated the dating world, any lessons you learned back from your single days?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, absolutely. Writing for the site was like therapy for me a little bit at the time when I was single, because I'd be like, well, I'm about to go on this date and I know how it's going to go, but at least I'll get a story out of it at the end of it. And so it really kind of motivated me to keep going in the date dating world when it is kind of like ups and downs that you go through. So I had multiple profiles up and eventually met my match. It took me forty four different guys that I dated.

Connell Barrett:

I kept counting forty-four?

Amber Brooks:

Yes. Over the course of like four years, when I really got serious about online dating, I tracked my own progress because I'm a big nerd. And so, he was number forty four.

Connell Barrett:

Same.

Amber Brooks:

And yeah, we met on Hinge. He actually messaged me on Ok Cupid also, and I ignored it because he said we should introduce deuce our dogs. And I was like, this is too soon for a first message.

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

Amber Brooks:

So I skipped that. But two weeks later, he messaged me on Hinge and that was the one that clicked for us. So, yeah, I am my own success story. I joined Hinge because I wrote about it and three years later I met my husband there.

Connell Barrett:

Well, even that's a good takeaway that you're now you said fiancé or husband.

Amber Brooks:

He's my fiancee. We're getting married next month.

Connell Barrett:

So the first message did not get a response or you said thanks, but no thanks yet. He took a second shot. Good strategy. Don't give up after one. Is that something you might share with our listener?

Connell Barrett:

I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm and attract your dream girlfriend, right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating Coach Connell. Barrett can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and helped them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps book your free call today@datingtransformation.com. Contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh. So you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com contact and transform your love life. Bye.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, I think that that is a good lesson to not take rejection personally. He didn't assume that I hated him and would never message him again. He just tried again just to see different approach, different day, different person. So, yeah, the second time is the one that took. And we always laugh about that first message that he sent that I just straight up ignored.

Connell Barrett:

Fair enough. Fair enough. One of the tips I give my guys is I call it the Three times rule. So you can give three salvos three attempts at an online dating icebreaker before you give up. More than three you might be veering into too. Try hard, but just one. Hey, you might not have caught her in the right mood, or in your case, it wasn't the right approach. Don't assume your dogs want to meet right out of the gate. And with some persistence and charm, that second, or maybe even occasionally, a third and final shot can really work. And obviously, look what it did for your fiancé.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, and I think it was also just me kind of being like, I should just give someone a try. You can't really tell who a person is from a profile. And with him, he just really impressed me in person. And his profile, it didn't wow me, but I think I just decided to lean on the side of, like, yes. And so, yeah, that really worked for me, too. I'd just been on a really bad date, and I was like, I just need to say yes to anybody. And so I started, yessing, a lot of guys, and that was kind of the inspiration for how we met.

Connell Barrett:

Well, speaking of bad dates, let me ask you this question. One of my favorite things to talk about on a first date. So I'm in a relationship now, but when I was on a first date, I always thought it wasn't great to talk about too much about dating. That can be a little bit too inside baseball. But I thought it was helpful to talk about fun first date horror stories or funny crazy first date stories. So, for example, I was on a first date once where I ordered a beer and she ordered a beer and a ginger ale and a water and a smoothie all at the same time. And I cracked a joke about are you part camel? Are you storing liquids for the summer? And didn't go well. So that's one of my quick little dating funny horror stories since you had forty four leading up to your now fiancé. Yes. Any good first date horror stories you want to share?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, I don't know if any of them are really good, but some of them are kind of strange or strange? Yeah. I think sometimes guys just didn't understand boundaries on a first date. And even if we had been talking for a month, they would just feel a little too familiar. And so one guy on our first date was like, we should go on a cruise together. And I was like, no, we should not. We just met. We had been talking for a month, so we felt like we had this rapport. But yeah, he was very much about like, oh, you know, Hamilton's plane here next month. We should go to that. And I was like, no, I don't want to buy these tickets with you right now. Or like, one time I was at a bar and we met up, and he was like, oh, it's too crowded here. Do you want to get in my truck? And we'll go to this restaurant down the road?

Connell Barrett:

And I was like, no, too soon.

Amber Brooks:

So I think that's something I always kind of tell guys is like, just be aware that women are going to be very sensitive about their safety on a first date and to really respect those boundaries, don't try to argue with them. That also happened to me where a guy was like, you know, someone's not going to tell you they're a rapist.

Connell Barrett:

Okay, well, he said that to you.

Amber Brooks:

He did? Yeah. Oh, my God. We had been chatting, and he was like, do you want to go out on a date tomorrow night at my place? And I was like, I don't really want to meet you at your place. Can we go somewhere else? And he was like, what is this? He just immediately was like, no. So, yeah, I was like, people won't tell you you're a jerk either, but you kind of get that vibe sometime. I think respecting women's boundaries is like, a very important thing to tell people when you're meeting online. In particular, women are just going to err on the side of caution. A guy asked me if I live alone, and I was like, I don't know what this question is. It's not a good icebreaker. I'm going to go ahead and block you.

Connell Barrett:

Do you live alone? Also, what's your Social Security number and what's your credit card number? Oh, boy.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah. Can you venmo me money for a plane ticket? Yeah. You just want to stay very clear from the creeps and the dangerous people and make sure you sound safe and normal.

Connell Barrett:

Right. And then the great news here is our listener is definitely not that guy. And what I tell my clients and our listener is you don't have to. Your competition might not be as good as you think. When there's guys asking you out on a cruise for your first or second date, I just say to men, be authentic, be normal, and just show her that you're a guy who respects women and has normal, good social skills. Just normal, solid social skills and not doing the weird thing like the cruise ship ask out. Just not doing weird things is a good approach to dating. The first date I had with my future girlfriend, she said, you know what? Women are not giving you points on a date. You start off with a reasonable number of points and then you lose them if you do weird things.

Amber Brooks:

The more you talk yeah. The numbers go down. I think that's a really good point, is, like, we'll give you the benefit of the doubt and you just have to behave normally as much as you can. There's a lot of nerves, and we'll give you some credit for that. It's nerve wracking to be on a first date. We're nervous too. I've probably checked my hair like a million times before coming out with you. But yeah, you just have to be able to sound like a person who is confident in yourself and being authentic and not too forward.

Connell Barrett:

Exactly. So what you're saying is my girlfriend and I want to invite you and your fiancee on around the world. A double date too soon?

Amber Brooks:

Are you saying is it like a month long cruise? How long are we going to make a time commitment?

Connell Barrett:

Three months. Circumnavigating the globe.

Amber Brooks:

That sounds incredible. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

This is the first time we've spoken, I'm sure. All right, I'll try to learn a lesson from this episode. Well, yeah. So here you are, a woman on my podcast, and men love hearing from women, especially with a lot of dating experience and expertise, which you obviously have. Let's talk about a couple of topics here and let me just see what you have to share. Start with a simple question about dating myths. There's a lot of myths out there or things that a lot of men believe. What are some myths that you would like to puncture today that men shouldn't worry about or maybe misunderstand about dating or about women?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, I think that there's like a pickup line or a magic sentence of words that are going to work on every woman they mess. They can just send this sentence to every woman, it's going to work. That's not true. All women are different. They're going to respond to different things. And you really do have to make your messages personal or your pickups if you're in person. You just have to have a conversation starter. Sometimes the best message doesn't have to be this strange pickup line that you looked up and thought like, oh, this is a pun that'll catch your attention sometimes. Just like, hey, I saw a picture of your dog. Looks cute. What's the name of the dog? Don't overthink it. Just act like you were talking to someone, like a friend and asking a genuine question, not some kind of like, yeah, I think that there's like, oh, this is the sentence that's going to make women attracted to you because you are doing all these manipulative things. Women have a sense of when something is canned and when something is genuine, so that genuine interest is always going to win out. Like being genuinely interested in her pictures, her profile, whatever. I would keep it to what she is and not what she looks like also as much as possible, because I think guys think that these compliments are going to get them in her good graces, but it's just going to make her wonder if you really like her or if you just like her hair.

Connell Barrett:

Great. Can you elaborate on what you mean by make it about what she is rather than what she looks like?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, so I think that compliments that go a little deeper and are like, oh, you look like someone who's full of joy or something or you seem like a big nerd, which is what I would get a lot because I am a big nerd. And it's just something that's like you like something about them, not something that they are proud of too. Something that they can wear proudly, not just like, oh, you're hot and that's why I want to talk to you. Make it more about who she is and how she carries herself, that kind of thing.

Connell Barrett:

Right. And in terms of an online dating profile, what are parts of a profile that you have found women like men to notice?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, so I would say like the words part gets the least amount of attention. It's all about the photos usually. But when guys do pick up on kind of like what you wrote, your hobbies, or if they share an interest or they also like to go to get tacos or something, those kind of things are going to catch her interest a lot more than just like, commenting on her photos, because those are really diamond dozen. But yeah, I think if you can pick up on something specific, show you read the profile, that you thought about it, that you have reasons for thinking you're compatible. That's going to make you stand out a lot more because she's going to get a lot of like, hey, beautifuls and stuff. And so the way that you can stand out as a good guy who has something to offer is by just taking the extra ten seconds to read what she wrote and respond to it thoughtfully. Not just like you're copy pasting the same pickup to everybody.

Connell Barrett:

Right. I have not heard hey, beautiful in years. I'm hoping it'll happen soon. No, that's great advice. Focusing on the words, what she has to say because especially if she gets a lot of likes and comments on, oh, my God, it's an amazing bikini pick, or you are so hot, if you can focus on something that's more internal about who she is inside, then that's going to land more impactfully. That's what I'm hearing you say.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah. And I think it shows that you're a deeper kind of person, that you're looking for a deeper kind of connection, that you're not just another these guys trying to get in their pants as quick as you can and not get to know her if you can help it. Those guys who are genuinely like, let's get to know each other were always the ones that I would take to immediately, who kind of were more interested in what I had to say than what I look like.

Connell Barrett:

Sticking with the topic of what to say, this is great advice. Lower the bar for how good the words have to be. It doesn't have to be maybe as amazing as you think. Let's talk about questions to ask. So many men I work with come to me in part because they're struggling with they fall into, quote, interview mode where they either ask too many questions or they don't ask any questions, or maybe they ask the wrong questions. So do you have any thoughts maybe these are articles you've written or just things you've noticed from DatingAdvice.com about the art of the kinds of questions to ask. Are there good questions and are there bad questions with, say, an online dating conversation?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, absolutely. So, yeah, you always want to kind of end with a question so that you're not just letting the conversation die. When you're having online conversation, you want to ask another question. Usually a follow up question is the best. Start with one question. You like to travel? Your profile says you like to travel. Where have you traveled to? And then she says, oh, I've been to France. And you're like, great. Why'd you go to France? Keep the conversation going that way in a natural way. Don't be like, do you like to travel? Yes, I travel to France. And then be like, okay, what are your goals in life? Don't make it like an interview that does seem like you're just kind of listing out these questions you read online and some kind of best questions to ask list, respond to her with follow up questions that are specific to the question you asked first. And so I think that's a really good strategy and just like a natural conversation strategy to keep the conversation going and show that you listened and responded. And yeah, if she's not asking questions and you feel like you have to ask a lot of questions, that might not be a really great sign for the conversation anyway. But I would say kind of always fall back on interests, goals and family. Those are always three good buckets to draw from when you're learning about a person. And don't talk about politics and religion if you can help it in those early days because it's going to be heavier than you really want to keep things.

Connell Barrett:

I love it. Interests, goals and family. So asking about her best, her family, her close relatives, obviously, her passions, interests, and I'm sorry, what was the other one?

Amber Brooks:

What she wants to do in life. Yeah. Where does she see herself? And that kind of gives you a good idea if you can see yourself there too.

Connell Barrett:

And why are those three goals good topics?

Amber Brooks:

I think that they're just kind of core to people's. Like they're easy to answer, and I think that they're really core to a person's personality and their perspective. And so you're going to learn a lot from those kind of questions, but it's not going to put her on the spot. It's not going to be something out of the blue like what tattoo would you get if you had to get a tattoo? You don't want to get super niche and weird. You just want to be like, what do you like to do?

Connell Barrett:

And see what she says back to be authentic, be normal. And I know this all too well as a guy who's so I've been a dating coach for ten years. I work with more than a dozen coaches, and I go back to the pickup artist days or the mid two thousand s, the book, the game. And I learned so much stuff and sometimes bad techniques. And you can try so hard to be different with weird questions like, what's the weirdest part of your body you ever would ever get a tattoo on? That it might be different, which could be good, but if it's so out of a woman's reality, you don't become relatable to her as a normal person who she might want to date. So it's nice that there's all this information out there in the world, but you can overlearn the lessons of trying to be different or trying to be interesting or trying to be funny.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah. And then you can start to start sounding charming versus being charming. If you're putting on this kind of front, eventually you're going to run out of these long weird questions to ask and then you'll just have to be real anyway. So I always say better to be real up front and if she likes it, it's great. If she doesn't, you just need to move on to the person who is going to like it because that person is out there and you're just like, yeah, you're just running out the time. You're kind of checking your forty four boxes before you can get to that person. You can just stop.

Connell Barrett:

Well said. What about, are there any good dating success stories you can share? As with  million words of advice on your website, I'm sure many men and women have found love thanks to DatingAdvice.com. Any good success stories you know about anecdotally or come into contact with?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, so the kind of the bad thing about our content is any of the success stories would come from the comments section and not a lot of people read an article and then come back after they found love and tell us about it. But some do. And so those are always the kind of things that are really heartwarming. So we used to have a forum, like a dating forum, where we could talk directly to people and that kind of we had to cut that off our site during COVID But it was very fun to kind of get to know people on that kind of granular level. And I did connect with this guy who he was very young and he was basically like, am I ready to date? And I was like, you're never going to feel like you're ready to date and you just need to go and date. And we ended up in a very long side chat and he did eventually get a girlfriend. It was just very adorable to kind of coach him through. He's like, okay, now we're going on a date. What do we do on the date and what do I wear on the date? So it's very fun to kind of put on a coaching hat more than I usually do and see his progress and kind of gaining confidence through the experience. So that's always one that kind of stands out to me. But yeah, my friends will text me sometimes, they'll be like, I was searching for ways to meet people and I saw your article and so that's always fun. And one of my fiance's friends, he asked me one time at a party like, what was my favorite article I wrote? And it's online dating. Sucks. It's still ranked number two in Google, so I'm pretty proud of but it's actually full of very practical advice. It's like online dating sucks, but it doesn't have to. Basically, if you have the right strategies, you can kind of get better success. And he applied that and he got a girlfriend because he said that the article really helped him see kind of the woman's perspective in online dating. So yeah, we've had some success stories trickle in. My success story is probably my favorite.

Connell Barrett:

Obviously, as it should be.

Connell Barrett:

Rejection ghosting. Loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book Dating Sucks, But You don't. Your STEPBYSTEP Guide to Attracting wonderful women and Doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Connell Barrett: has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks, but You Don't. So that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive. Even if you're not tall or great looking, always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find dating sucks, but you don't. On Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback. Kindle and Audiobook get Dating Sucks, but You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

Connell Barrett:

So if somebody typed in online dating sucks right now on Google, they would see your article?

Amber Brooks:

Yes. I think last I checked, it's always kind of up and down, but yeah.

Connell Barrett:

It’s usually in the top three fantastic quick plug. Yeah, stop this podcast. Go to online date, go to Google. Read.

Connell Barrett:

Read.

Amber Brooks:

Amazon. Online dating sucks. But I don't actually think it sucks because it is how I found love.

Connell Barrett:

Oh, exactly. So my book is called Dating Sucks, But You Don't because I had a client who came to me struggling on the dating apps, not getting matches, and he took it personally. He thought there was something wrong with him, and he said, oh, I just suck. Women don't like me. And I said, you don't suck. Your profile sucks. There are some things you're doing, your marketing, quote unquote, sucks, but you're an amazing guy. And he ended up meeting his now wife through some work we did together, and he got proof that he doesn't suck. So one more question in the world of online dating to that point. I was on your site earlier today and I saw a link to a Psychology Today article I'm sorry, it was on datingnews.com that linked to a Psychology Today article. And the article said that a new survey finds it online daters land about one date for every fifty five matches on average, which that's a much lower number than I ever would have thought. And this is a big question because there's probably a lot of puzzle pieces that go into getting more dates per match. But if you had to give one or two big, simple tips for men doing online dating, what are the biggest online dating game changers that can help guys get more dates for every match they get?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, I would say that number is probably skewed. There's a lot of outliers out there probably making that number bigger than it should be, because I do think that there are a lot of guys who are just trying to go quickly and trying to have the fastest online dating success they can find. So they're just like, yesing, everybody, and maybe sending one word messages. And so you get a lot of that. As a woman on online dating, you would get a lot of just very clearly he's not paying attention. He just swiped on a lot of people. And I think that for the nice guys, you probably have a better chance of success if you just act like you care about the person in the conversation. That's a very simple thing to do because you obviously are online for a reason. I'm online for a reason, and we don't want to waste our time. So I think, yeah, a way to up your success is just to say, hey, I saw this on your profile. I like this too. And showing a little bit of good faith first in the message and being like, I like you specifically and not treating it like another lottery ticket that you're buying for a quarter. So, yeah, I think just being more thoughtful as you swipe, it's easy to get burnout. It's easy to feel like everyone's the same, but we're not. We're all people. And so talking to a person like a person would be my first big tip for having better success. I think that was something that really stood out to me when I was online dating, is the people who genuinely seemed interested in me. Someone's interest causes your interest. It's like a positive feedback loop where if you just kind of express interest, then they're like, oh, someone likes me. I like that. And so it kind of like, grows from there.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah, the old expression, if you want to be interesting, be interested. Yes, absolutely. That's great advice. And I would rather I suggest to my clients, don't write twenty messages and put just a surface level, an inch deep amount of work into it. Maybe send two or three messages to two or three prospects who you're really interested in and make it a foot deep or a foot deep of interest. And that'll do better for you than keeping it really simple and fast and shallow.

Amber Brooks:

Quality over quantity. And don't copy paste a message. If you can copy that message and send it to another girl, it's not a good message. Both the messages that my fiance sent me were very unique, to be fair to him. One was a little bit strange about our dogs, but the second one was specific about a picture that I had. And I was dressed like Catwoman for the Dark Knight movie. And he was like, which Batman movie were you going to in this picture? And I was like, this is a good question. This shows that you saw the photo and didn't just comment on the black leggings. You were like, I'm interested in what you were doing. And so, yeah, being able to have something specific to the person and about who they are, those are the main things for our first message.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. I like to suggest that men make that question, to your point, relevant to that woman, interesting to her, her style, her interest, her job, whatever it may be, and also as easy to answer as possible. Don't ask for a what's your life story? Yes. Tell me, what do you think about Plato's Republic? And I need three hundred words, minimum of fun, simple binary questions. Hey, would you rather sing a karaoke song or do XYZ or hey, I see you're a Batman fan. Who's better, the riddler or the Joker? I don't know. I mean, it's easy to answer that.

Amber Brooks:

Yes, for sure. Easier. Yeah, I think. OK. Cuba did a study a little bit ago about character size and it was like, basically like fifty five characters. Like, it should be the size of a tweet. Two sentences. Don't give her whole long thing. Don't tell her your life story. Just like, say, hey, I like you, here's a question and get out of there.

Connell Barrett:

That's a great tip. I think we're at twenty-seven already. Let's go for thirty and then we can wrap up. Actually, there's a recently updated post on your website about the eight top eight dating sites as ranked by your website. And I saw number one was Match, an OG. That's the first website I was on. Back when we call them websites, not before dating apps were a thing. Talk a little bit about that list and any takeaways for a guy who's listening to this, trying to decide, hey, what dating app website should I go to?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, so we partner with a lot of dating sites, dating apps, and we do a lot of interviews, try to stay up with their newest features, what's going on with them. And what we really recommend is trying at least three different sites and making one of them not Tinder. I would say none of them should be Tinder. If you're looking for something real, if you're just looking for casual chatting, that's good. But we really try to provide alternatives to the names that you hear all the time and give people kind of maybe it's a smaller dating pool, but maybe that's better for you because you're not going to be having such swiping fatigue and all the high competition. And so that's something we really like about Match, is that it's more quality based and it gives you a lot of deeper information on the profile. It's been around a long time. Launched in 1995, so its Matchmaking algorithm just has, like, a lot of power behind it. And, yeah, I was on Match for a long time and I think it's a really good way of finding compatibility in another person and everyone there is more interested in relationships. And so you kind of start off taking each other more seriously. And so that's something I really enjoy about Match, too. And so that's why on our site, match is usually the number one recommendation that we make because our audience tends to be looking for something real, not just like a casual date, which is good for the bumbles and the tinders. Even Hinge, I would say now, has gotten a little bit more swipey and so we really tried to be anti swiping and pick sites where you have smart algorithms. Like Eharmony has a very smart algorithm and a lot of personality questions. I think it's like over 80 questions right now. And so, yeah, we recommend going outside the usual swiping pool to find matches that are more serious and going to take you more seriously because they're not inundated with hundreds of matches a day, like you'll find on a lot of.

Connell Barrett:

The other apps, right? Yeah, Match, it's been a while. I've been in a relationship for two years now, but that was the OG. And when I first did Match, you would send paragraph after paragraph of emails to each other.

Amber Brooks:

It was like long letters.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. With a feather quill ink. Well, I think the telegraph was how the technology back then when I first used it, but but no, it was so cool to see that it's number one. The OG is still the OG.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, it's still very popular. It is a bit more of an older crowd, I would say. Like their sweet spot is really 30 plus, whereas most dating apps tend to be 25 and under. So you should also keep that in mind as you're looking for Matches. But yeah, Matches just it has a lot more of a more serious approach. So if you are a more serious dater, that's going to be better for you.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah, I work with a lot of 40 plus single dads, 40 plus divorced men. I'm 52 now and I work with a lot of men in their 50s. So it sounds like Match.com is a good place for men in that stratosphere to show.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, absolutely. You don't want to be like on Tinder competing with twenty year old’s when you're an adult. If you're a grown, grown person, matches is a grown site that you can rely on.

Connell Barrett:

Okay, one last question for you. So we can hit Thirty plus tips. I'm sure we've gotten there already. Okay. We're not going to hit forty-four, the number of dates you had before you met your fiancé. But we can get close. I ask every guest this. I like to say, hey, what are your three biggest game changing tips? These can be across any part of dating, whether it's online dating, it could be in person dating, it could be about confidence, literally anything, but in any particular order. What are three game changing tips you can share with us today?

Amber Brooks:

Sure. Yeah. So I used to always recommend show up early to the first date, like at least five minutes early, ten minutes early, kind of get your bearings. You don't want to be late on a first date because that sends a bad message. Ironically, my fiance was late. He was ten minutes late, but he was texting me the whole time, and it was about his dog, so I understood, okay, but you don't want to be late. Ideally, he came in very sweaty and nervous and started off on badfoot. You want to avoid that if you can. It's not a deal breaker if you are late, but it just sets a more smoother start to the date. If you're already there, maybe you picked a table and ordered a drink. Maybe you've already gotten the tickets that you need for whatever you're going to just show a little preparation and don't make her wait on you. So that's a really good first date tip.

Connell Barrett:

And if I can add to that, I love your tip. And the thing I add to that with my clients is I say if it's a bar type setting or a restaurant, don't be on your phone if you can help it. Talk to the bartender, maybe chat up the people next to you. Be social. You'll get into a social mode so that when she walks in, you're not the sweaty guy on your phone, you're the one who's smiling and chatting with people. And that can be not just impressive to her, but also it gets you out of your head and in that social mode.

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, I think that's a great tip to not be engaged with something on your phone, but kind of like engaged with the environment and being aware of your settings. Yeah, I think that's a really good notion, too. Yeah, it's just all about putting your best foot forward and being the most confident that you can be. And so, yeah, showing up with that kind of, like, presence is going to.

Connell Barrett:

Be more impressive than yeah, I always just hold up the cruise ticket. Cruise ship tickets. So when she walks in, she sees the cruise ticket. Okay, game changer number two, what do you got?

Amber Brooks:

Okay, so perseverance and resilience to rejection is, like, a huge thing in the dating world, right? And I think that there's no one secret success tip, but there is one failure tip, and that's like stopping, like, not trying. And so you always need to be persistent. And that doesn't mean, like, being persistent with one person. Like, if she has said no, give up on her, but just like, using that rejection to feel yourself. Everyone gets rejected. It's not always personal sometimes about what they have going on. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Don't take it like you're a failure. You're only a failure if you stop because of that one incident. And so what I would always do and what I always say to my friends when we're talking is use that one rejection to send out, like five more messages that night. Don't let it stop you, because then that's the real failures. If you let it stop you from meeting someone who is going to be a yes. And you wouldn't do that in the job industry. If you're interviewing for a job and someone tells you, you wouldn't be like, oh, I'm unemployable now you got to keep going. So that's something that's really important in the dating world, too.

Connell Barrett:

I have a quick story to underline your point. I met my now partner because I had gone out on I was about to go on what I thought was going to be my first real date. I was excited about after The Vaccines came out two years ago, and I'm literally walking to the bar and this woman cancels on me and I felt really bummed out, even rejected, you might say. Mr. Dating Coach can feel rejected, too. And I said, you know what? I'm not going to stew in my negativity. I'm going to jump back on the apps and take some action just so I can look forward. And that was the night I matched with my now partner, Jess. So, absolutely, that persistence. You can turn a, quote, negative into a positive if you stay persistent and take that new action.

Amber Brooks:

I love it. Yeah. Just having a little bit of resilience and perspective, that one rejection isn't the end of your journey. It's just like a roadblock now you're just turning left instead of turning right. So, yeah, I think just keep going no matter what. And, yeah, the third thing I would say is try to stay positive in those first interactions because this is going to be the impression that you're making. And so if you are complaining a lot, if you're kind of a negative Nelly, that's going to leave a bad taste in your mouth. Don't badmouth anybody. Don't sell yourself short. Don't complain about yourself, especially just like you're selling yourself in that moment. So try to keep it positive, keep it light and, yeah, don't be a rain cloud on our day. Dates are supposed to be fun.

Connell Barrett:

What? What? Fun? Yeah, dating is supposed to be enjoyable.

Amber Brooks:

You are supposed to enjoy it, is what people tell me.

Connell Barrett:

What a concept. Yeah, 100%. I like to say be an open book, but not an open wound. You can be very authentic and transparent, but that doesn't mean, oh, my boss is such a jerk today. I really hate him or her. It's like, no, bring some of that good, authentic, positive energy as opposed to being a negative Nelly, which is a great tip, Amber. Thank you so much. Before we go, is there anything else you'd like to share or tell people how they can find you out there on the interwebs?

Amber Brooks:

Yeah, so DatingAdvice.com, our newer site, Datingnews.com, that's really where I live a lot of the time posting content and managing the writers there. You can also find me on Twitter at the dating editor and, yeah, mostly those two sites@datingvice.com at datingnews.com. That's where I send all my tips out to the world. And, yeah, thanks so much for having me today. I really enjoyed the conversation.

Connell Barrett:

We definitely hit peak tip per minute ever for my podcast. It's going to be tough to beat this. You'll have to come back some other time. We'll talk absolutely a lot more, which I'd love to do.

Amber Brooks:

Got a million of them. Half a million words.

Connell Barrett:

I'm going to send you those cruise ship tickets so we can go on that group double date around the world.

Amber Brooks:

I can't wait. We just met, but let's book it. Lock it in.

Connell Barrett:

All right. Amber Brooks, thank you so much for joining us today. And thank you for listening. And remember, women out there already like you. They just have to meet the real, authentic you. We'll see you next time.

Connell Barrett:

Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

Connell Barrett:

Produced by Heartcast Media.