Connell Barrett:
To ba or not to ba, that is the question. Welcome back to the how to get a girlfriend podcast. I am dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm the real life Hitch, if Hitch was a nerdy ginger with glasses. I'm here to help you flirt with confidence, get dates, get a great girlfriend, and to do this all with authenticity. No sketchy, weird, toxic pickup moves needed. And today's episode is for you if you ever struggle to get second dates. To get that first date, I'm just not feeling it, today is the episode for you.

Connell Barrett:
Or maybe you worry that maybe you're too nice, you're too safe. Women just aren't into you. You're an introvert. You're a nice sweet introvert, but you're not that guy who women go for, that so-called alpha male, then this episode is for you. I'm gonna help you with that. Because today, we're gonna do something called the dating coach. I have 3 fantastic questions from 3 of you fantastic listeners, and I'm gonna answer them right now. I love these 3 questions.

Connell Barrett:
They're fantastic. The first one's gonna blow your mind. It's a fun, amazing sex question. Get ready. Let me just give you a little housekeeping. If you wanna ask me any dating questions, please do. Send me an email, and I will answer them right here on the pod. Email me at connell@datingtransformation.com.

Connell Barrett:
That's c0nnell at dating transformation.com. You can ask me anything, and I will answer it if I can on the air in an episode of Ask the Dating Coach. I also might answer it in my column. I write an advice column for the Good Men Project. So, anyway, let's get to it. Let's get to question number 1. This is wild. Here we go.

Connell Barrett:
This comes from Andrew, a 33 year old in Brooklyn, New York. Andrew writes, help. The woman I'm dating wants me to baa like a sheep during sex. What should I do? That's his email in his email to me, he wrote, hey, Connell. I'm okay with dirty talk in bed, but the woman I'm into and dating is into lambs. In the middle of sex, she says to me, you're my little lamb, aren't you? I try to play along, and I say, yes. I'm your lamb, but now she's wanting me to make lamb noises. She'll say, bah for me.

Connell Barrett:
Bah for me, little lamb. I wanna hear you bah. I'm no kinkshamer, Andrew goes on to say, but I feel awkward making lamb noises. Should I tell her that I won't do it anymore? Okay. That 's an amazing question. To ba or not to ba? That is the question. Andrew, I'm a big movie nerd, and I think that with this woman, you have a choice between the silence of the lambs and bleat, pray, love. You still wake up sometimes, don't you? You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lamb.

Connell Barrett:
Yes. My view, by the way, is that if this woman is willing to hit the sheets with you, I'm always so appreciative when a beautiful, wonderful woman wants to hook up with me. So why not oblige her? I don't think she's asking for that much. Let me tell you a quick story from my dating past when I was single. So years ago, I dated a wonderful woman named Kate, and Kate had some very specific desires in the bedroom. I remember the first night we were together, she was lying on my we were in bed, she was lying on my chest, you know, lying next to me, and she she took a deep inhalation, a a deep smell of my chest, and she breathed in deep and said, ah, you smell like an Irish boxer. And I didn't think much more of it because, hey, if that's her type, great. I'm happy to be with this wonderful woman in bed with Kate.

Connell Barrett:
If she likes the Irish boxer type and I fit that mold, fantastic. Of course, I would be an Irish boxer with no muscle tone and a bit of a tummy, but, hey, to each their own. So that was my first indication that she was into the whole Irish thing. And then fast forward a couple of dates, she basically, one night, asked me to use an Irish accent with her during sex, during intimacy. And at the time, I was very self conscious about talking about sex or talking during sex. I was in my head. I was self conscious, really a lot of self judgment, and I didn't even wanna talk about or talk sexy to a woman in bed, let alone do an accent, but at the same time, I was just so grateful that Kate wanted to be with me. So we're in bed, and I did my best with my best Irish accent.

Connell Barrett:
Even though I think I sounded like a leprechaun, I I believe I said to her, Lassie, you you've got me truly bewitched. I said it in my best brogue. I can't get enough of you, Lassie. I'm not even joking. That's exactly what I said to her. I mean, it was all I could do not to say, and you'll never get me Lucky Charms. Always got to be Lucky Charms. The crunchy old cereal with a rainbow, marshmallow surprises.

Connell Barrett:
Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, and blue diamonds. So, Andrew, just like you, I felt awkward and a little bit out of my depth. But I realized that it wasn't about me or just it wasn't only about me and my comfort. So don't only make it about you and what you're comfortable with. You also wanna think about her. What's gonna make her feel desired? Make her feel free to express herself. So when it comes down to it, intimacy is about connection. It's about trust.

Connell Barrett:
It's about giving within limits and a bit of playfulness. And sometimes, this means stepping out of your comfort zone, talking a little bit dirty, even if you're not normally used to doing that. Now just as importantly, it also means knowing when to draw the line and just to say to somebody, hey, this isn't for me. So here's how to navigate this with some care. I'm gonna give you 3 tips. Tip number 1 is first, I want you to validate her without judgment. Say to her, hey. I'd love how open and honest you are about what excites you, and that's gonna help keep the conversation positive and show her that you're not judging her bedroom preferences.

Connell Barrett:
In other words, it's good to never ever kink shame anybody. K? Tip number 2 is I want you to set compassionate boundaries. Andrew, if buying for a woman isn't your thing, that's totally okay. You can say to her something like, hey. I like trying new things, but sheep noises don't really feel natural to me. Let's try something else. This way, you're respecting both her desires as well as your limits, so you can find a nice common ground, but you're doing it with compassion. In other words, no judgment, a lot of compassion.

Connell Barrett:
And my third tip for you is if you really are not into the whole lamb thing, consider a sexy compromise. What I mean by sexy compromise is if you're open to experimenting and having some kind of sexy talk, find a middle ground. You might say to her, hey. How about we talk more in bed, but I'll talk sexy to you as myself instead of as a lamb? That seems reasonable. This way, you give the 2 of you a chance to keep the fun, sexy sex talk alive, which she'll appreciate, but you don't have to go full barnyard if you don't want to. So back to Kate and myself from years ago. Doing an Irish accent for Kate taught me that stepping out of my comfort zone can be fun. It helped me grow.

Connell Barrett:
It helped me have even better , better, more confident, more fun, sexy talk with other women, something I never would have done maybe if Kate hadn't suggested that. And I'll be honest, I'm the kind of guy who, within reason, I will do whatever it takes to make my lady happy. Okay? If my girlfriend wanted me to wear a fluffy fleece onesie and bah, I would I would bah bah black sheep. But that's me. You gotta do you. Okay? So, if you do decide to go all in on your lamb impression, Andrew, just remember, commit to the bit. Go all the way, commit. In other words, bah like you mean it, just like I did my best leprechaun Lucky Charms sexy talk with Kate back in the day.

Connell Barrett:
But, anyway, you do you, Andrew. Sex should be fun. It should never be forced. It should be awesome. It should never be awkward. Just so you know, if you get in the habit of being very giving with women, both in and outside of bed, you're gonna have all the ladies, well, you might say flocking to you. Okay. Next question.

Connell Barrett:
Question number 2 to ask the dating coach. This comes from Zach, 29 years old in Chicago. Zach asks, do nice guys finish last? And here's his message to me. This is what Zach sent me, by email. Lately, Connell, it feels like the world is telling me that being a kind, respectful man just isn't enough. Donald Trump, who I hate, is dominating the news. Elon Musk is celebrated as a bold risk taker, and the manosphere preaches red pill dating tips. So it seems that being a loud, brash, hypermasculine man is just in.

Connell Barrett:
The thing is, I'm a quiet, thoughtful, kind guy. I see women as equals to be treated with respect. I think of myself as a feminist, Zach continues. But I'm starting to wonder if being a nice guy is holding me back in dating. Am I just too nice for women today in today's dating culture? Can a guy like me even compete? And again, that's from Zac in Chicago. Zac, I totally get it. With Trump shouting from the headlines, with Musk flexing his 1,000,000,000 of dollars, not to mention the the manosphere and the so called alpha males being celebrated in the manosphere and in the red pill part of Reddit. Right now, the world can seem like a one big chest bumping contest.

Connell Barrett:
But what I want you to know is that the idea that women only want loud, brash, hyper masculine men, is so inaccurate. That's about as accurate as predicting the weather using the Farmer's Almanac. Here's the truth. Women love nice guys. Love nice guys. In fact, kindness is the number one quality that women value most in a male partner, and this is not just me pulling that out of my hat. There was a poll done a few years ago by a health app called Clue, and this poll surveyed 64,000 women. And they were asked what are the top ten things you want in a male partner? Number 1 on the list was kindness.

Connell Barrett:
That's the number one thing women want from a man as a boyfriend in a relationship. And also in the top 5 were supportiveness, intelligence, and education. Those are basically the second, 3rd, and 4th things, top things that women want in a man. Notice what's not on that list. What's not on that list is being a loud, brash jerk. So the manosphere and Trump, in other words, the red pill and the orange menace, these entities are gonna appeal to loud, frustrated, lonely men. But Trump and the manosphere are absolutely clueless about what truly makes a man attractive to women. And I want you to take it from me.

Connell Barrett:
Take it from a professional dating coach. I've been a dating coach for 13 years now. I've been working on my dating life and actively working in this area for 20-21 years now, total, from the first moment I said time to get good at dating because I suck at it back in 2004. And, what I've learned is that women love a nice guy if, and this is a big if, if he believes in himself and his worth. He's got to have a sense of true worth and significance and confidence in himself as a man, and that's the kind of men women are drawn to. Women are drawn to a kind nice guy who also has real backbone, bulletproof confidence. Back to that clue poll of 64,000 women, the 5th thing on that list that women want in a man is confidence. That's the 5th thing.

Connell Barrett:
I would argue, though, on a date, on a first date, in the flirting, in the courtship phase of dating, confidence is the number one thing women want in a man. I I never have my clients I I shouldn't say never, but I rarely have ever said to a client, okay. Go on that date and be really kind and say this kind thing and do this kind thing. The kindness is gonna emanate from his authenticity, him being a good gentleman. That's gonna just be there. What I have had men do is I help them hone and harness and and channel their confidence and playfulness and devilish flirtatiousless flirtatiousness in the ways that women like. But the bottom line is confidence has to be there as the other side of the coin to kindness. So back to your question, Zach, your kindness is not what's holding you back.

Connell Barrett:
What's holding you back is your self doubt. Self doubt is what's gonna be sending women the wrong signals. Self doubt will get you in the friend zone. Self doubt will make you want to approach a woman but not do it. Self doubt will make you timid. And a man who questions his own very worth, who doubts his own worth and value, that is the ultimate turn off to women. Women hate that. It's like b o.

Connell Barrett:
It's like bad cologne. They hate that sense of self doubt. Say what you want about Donald Trump, and I have a lot of things to say about him. I would if this was a political podcast, but it's a dating podcast, so I will hold my tongue. But say what you want about Trump is he projects massive confidence. I think it's a charade. It's a mask. He's painfully insecure and an incredibly small man in so many ways, but he projects confidence.

Connell Barrett:
Right? And that's what the red pill community is trying to get men to do is put on this mask, this fake alpha male mask that women want an alpha male, women want a bad boy, women want a man who's the boss. That's nonsense. Don't get me wrong. Women love assertive, confident men, but the problem with the manosphere and all this red pill nonsense is that it's built on an outdated toxic idea of what masculinity is. This idea that men have to dominate, conquer, suppress their emotions to succeed. Spoiler alert. That's not what women want. Not what modern women want anyway.

Connell Barrett:
Maybe caveman women wanted it. But what women want today is, sure, they want confidence. They want assertiveness. Those things absolutely have their place, but they don't want confidence and assertiveness when it's packaged in this toxic package of ego and aggression, topped with a red MAGA hat. Most women hate that. It's a turn off. So think of masculinity, Zach, not as you being the loudest guy in the room, but what real masculinity is is being the most grounded and authentic man in the room, being the man who owns who he is. He's kindful really kindful.

Connell Barrett:
He's respectful, kind, big hearted, and pairing that kind of sense of quiet, unshakable belief that you have with real core authentic confidence. That's what a woman wants. Women want a man who's strong enough to be vulnerable and confident enough to be kind and also brave enough to show up as his authentic self. So let me just give you some hope. K? I coach guys like you all the time. I coach introverts. I coach mainly introverts, shy guys, nice guys, sweethearts, thoughtful, kind, nice men who often think they can't compete with the so-called bad boys. But once they learn how to channel their inner confidence and how to approach dating authentically, not to mention approaching women authentically, once they learn to do that, that's when everything really changes.

Connell Barrett:
So remember, women are not looking for caricatures of masculinity. They're looking for connection with the man who has a lot to give, a lot of value to bring to her life. And a guy like you who's nice, who's quiet, respectful, self assured, has everything that it takes to attract a wonderful woman except perhaps in your case, confidence because of self doubt. Self doubt is the Darth Vader in your story who must be faced. Self doubt is the Voldemort every single man has to face in his if he if he wants to end up with incredible girlfriend and have a lot of confidence and abundance of dating options, he's gotta face the the big bad, and the big bad is self doubt, which is feeling or fearing that maybe you're just not enough. And that's what the red pill community, that's what the manosphere tells too many nice guys is that you're not enough. You gotta be an asshole, gotta be an alpha male, that is absolute total horseshit. So yes, Zach, you can absolutely compete in today's dating culture.

Connell Barrett:
In fact, you can win. But the first step is you have to drop this idea that nice guys finish last. They don't. The men who fail to believe in themselves, those are the guys, those are the guys who finished last. So I want you to go out there. I want you to own your kindness and show the world and show women what a radically authentic man looks like because the right woman is gonna love you for you. And one final point about this question before we go to our 3rd question about being stuck in the friend zone and not getting past first dates. There's one huge myth I wanna bust for you right now on this episode.

Connell Barrett:
This whole idea that women love alpha males as I've been talking about is a myth. The truth is alpha males are not even a thing. They're literally not a thing. You struggle with dating. Right? Sure. You have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey.

Connell Barrett:
I struggle with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I wanna personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to dating transformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my 1 on 1 coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.

Connell Barrett:
No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to dating transformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. I remember I was once in a Las Vegas conference room attending a pickup coach seminar. This pickup coach guy was doing a seminar. This was way, way, way back in the late double zeros when I was first learning about what does and doesn't work with women. So I'm in this BO drenched Vegas conference room, and there's this cheesy pickup artist dude who's strutting on stage, talking about the supposed panty dropping powers of being a dominant man. And he even had a catchphrase. He had a stupid catchphrase like Johnny Cochran, OJ Simpson's lawyer from the murder trial.

Connell Barrett:
And this pickup guy, you know, Johnny Cochran's thing was, if it doesn't fit, you must acquit. And this pickup artist dude kept saying, the alpha male gets all the tail. What a jackass. The alpha male gets all the tail. Here's the thing, though. Alpha males are not a thing. I mean, literally not a thing in nature. The idea of the alpha male, it first gained credence in way back in the 19 seventies when a wildlife biologist, a guy named a guy named l David Mech, m e c h, I believe it's pronounced Mech, When this guy, Mech, was studying wolves, he was an expert in wolves.

Connell Barrett:
He published a book that documented the existence of alpha wolves in the wild, and that's what created this concept of the alpha male. It came from Mech's published research about alpha about wolves having alphas. But 2 decades later, he went back and he tried to replicate his findings, but he couldn't. And he was horrified to find out that the alpha behavior that he thought he had observed was simply mom and dad wolves caring for their pups. So he mistook the kindness and love of mom and dad wolves to their pups with so-called alpha behavior. Now Meck renounced his findings. He basically said there's no such thing as alpha wolves, but it was too late. This myth had already cemented into conventional wisdom.

Connell Barrett:
And the bummer about this is that it's also informed a lot of really bad dating advice, so much bad dating advice that still permeates today. There is no concrete scientific evidence for so-called alpha males getting to mate with all the females in any animals, including humans. Take our closest relatives, for example, the chimpanzees. The chimpanzees are the closest animals to homo sapiens, to humans. And studies show that the aggressive chimp in the chimpanzee community does not necessarily become the group leader. In fact, quite often smaller, more docile chimps become dominant, so called, because they're completing tasks that are seen as feminine and nurturing, like grooming other chimps. So it's the chimps that groom, that show kindness, that show connection, that actually are the high status chimps in that world, not the so-called alphas. And we have another close biological relative, the bonobos.

Connell Barrett:
And bonobos are apes that live in a matriarchal society where the female apes are higher status than the males. And here's a fun fact, by the way. Speaking of bonobos, bonobos are the only species that French kiss. Okay. Remember that on, on trivia night. So, yeah, traits like assertiveness, like I said before, courage, boldness, these traits are essential in dating. There are times when you have to be assertive. There are times when you have to approach a woman with courage.

Connell Barrett:
There are times when you're gonna have to summon some boldness to go for that first kiss or to tell a woman she's sexy or to take some kind of romantic risk. A woman does need to sense your strength. She does need to sense a certain solidity and significance and strength. And, generally, women are attracted to masculine energy, generally. I'm not saying I'm not saying don't be manly. I'm not saying don't be a man, don't be masculine. A woman does need to sense strength and most women, most straight women who are looking for a man, are gonna gravitate to a masculine energy as opposed to a more overly feminine energy. But I just want you to know that this idea that the so-called alpha male even exists is a myth, and it's really troublesome because, you know, at the worst, alpha male behavior stifles growth.

Connell Barrett:
It encourages men to see women as bait to to view women as targets to be conquered and to see so called nice guys as beta males and simps, quote, unquote, who are inferior. That's the worst. At best, it leads to wearing Axe body spray, chest bumping, and saying things like bra and baller. Okay. So I want you to remove the alpha male mask. It just doesn't work. Yes. You gotta make moves in dating.

Connell Barrett:
You gotta take some action. You gotta take some chances, of course. Being authentic and taking authentic courageous action is gonna fix almost all these so-called issues that you might think you have. But just know that studies show that non-alpha qualities like kindness, generosity are the key indicators of fulfilling relationships, and that's what women want. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's gonna help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that.

Connell Barrett:
I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty thirty. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are gonna make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to dating transformation.com/flirty30. And that's flirty30. Datingtransformation.com/flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend.

Connell Barrett:
Go get your flirty 30. Okay. Here's your 3rd date, your third question to ask the dating coach. Connell, why can't I get past the first date? This comes from Barry in Boston. Barry's a 34 year old from Boston. Barry writes, Connell, I'm decent at getting first dates from the apps, but after the first date, women stop responding. Or when I text them to ask them out again, they say they just didn't feel a connection. We seem to have good conversations, but nothing works in terms of getting second dates.

Connell Barrett:
I guess I could flirt more or take more chances, but I don't wanna come off as creepy. I wanna be a gentleman. What am I doing wrong, and how can I make a better impression to get second dates and eventually get a girlfriend from Barry in Boston? Barry, you need to make a stronger impact on your dates. You need to make a strong positive but strong impact with women on dates. And the simplest way to do that is to take more risks. Now if you're having good conversations on dates, if the conversation flows, there aren't long, awkward silences, that's a great starting point. That's not hurting you. But women like a man who puts a card or 2 on the table.

Connell Barrett:
On every first date I shouldn't say every first date, but on pretty much every first date I ever went on that went really well, there was some kind of moment of truth, a moment when I had to say or do something a little bit risky. And one of the biggest moments I had working on my dating life for years to get good at this, to get great at this, is this paradox, which is to say that playing it safe on first dates is risky, and taking risks on first dates is actually safe. You might think safe is safe and risky is risky. Right? But there's a paradox here. Being too safe on a date is actually risky because you risk getting stuck in the friend zone, and you risk coming off as timid. And at the same time, taking uncomfortable scary actions on a date, being risky in other words, is actually safe, in that it's a safe bet that you're gonna stand out to more women, show that sense of authentic worth and value you offer, and get yourself a second date. So what you think is safe on dates is actually really risky, Barry, and what you think is risky is actually very safe. So here are three ways to be a risk taker and get 2nd dates.

Connell Barrett:
Here's how to get women wanting to see you for that 2nd date. Here are 3 things you can start doing on every first date. The first thing is to tell her that she's sexy. Tell your date that she's sexy. Very. Or or just the man listening to this. You, listener, my dear listener, have you ever told a woman on a first date that she's sexy? Have you ever used the s word? I'll bet a lot of you haven't, and and telling a woman she's sexy might feel scary and might make you think, oh, I don't wanna be a creep, but there's nothing creepy about telling a woman she's sexy as long as you don't make it about purely her physical features. Find something special about her, a trait, and then use the s word to describe how that makes her sexy in your eyes.

Connell Barrett:
You know, you have such a sexy feminine laugh. It's contagious. You might say something like that. Or you might say, your mind is so sexy. I love how you think about things. On my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess, I remember I looked her in the eye. We're standing on my rooftop at my apartment. We'd gone to a bar, then we had after bar drinks at my apartment rooftop.

Connell Barrett:
We're having a couple glasses of wine, and I was so blown away by how witty and funny, quick witted and clever she is. And I'm usually the funny one on a date. And I just looked her in the eye and I said, hey, by the way, you know what's really sexy about you? You're so witty and quick on your feet. I'm just trying to keep up with you. That's pretty rare. It's very sexy. And she later told me how that melted her. And think about that.

Connell Barrett:
She's a woman who has been told many, many times and still is, of course, how pretty she is. She's a very pretty, thin, attractive blonde. But I was that rare guy, I think. And that I was that rare guy who saw the inner beauty and called out that as being sexy. So when you tell a woman that something about her is sexy and special, you instantly vault all the way up to the top 1% of men because most men are either afraid to tell a woman she's sexy or they do it in a clumsy, objectifying way. Hey. Your eyes are sexy. Your smile is sexy.

Connell Barrett:
If he's really vulgar, oh my god. Your ass, your body is so sexy. That's creepy. It's creepy to objectify a woman and just fawn and talk about her body. But if you wanna tell her she's sexy in a classy, authentic, effective way, tell her something about her as sexy. Makes her feel special on a deeper level without objectifying her. You get to be a gentleman and you get to also make some sparks happen. These flirty but thoughtful compliments really help to dial up romantic tension, keep you out of the friend zone, and make her excited to see you for a second date.

Connell Barrett:
But just make sure that compliment is real. Don't use scripted things if you can help it. Don't plan what you're gonna say. Just speak from the heart and other body parts. No faking it, in other words. The second thing you could do on first dates is go for a first kiss. If a first date is going reasonably well, then go for either go for a first kiss, which I highly recommend, especially if it's a nighttime date, or at the very least, before the date is over, look her in the eye, shoot her a sly smile, and say, I really wanna kiss you. Women appreciate a man who is confident enough to go for a kiss or at the very least who's confident enough to say, here's what I want.

Connell Barrett:
I wanna kiss you. Even if you go in for that kiss and she turns the cheek, you're gonna get points for trying. You will rarely say always or never, but it's pretty darn close to never. You will almost never lose your chances with a woman because you went for a kiss and got the cheek, but you definitely will lose out on some chances with some wonderful women if you do not mention losing out on some hot AF makeouts. If you wanna kiss her on that first date, but fear stops you, you let fear stop you because that comes off as timidity, and that's unattractive to women. A super safe, timid guy, that's generally unattractive to women. And believe me, I've been there. I've been there.

Connell Barrett:
I remember a young woman, young at the time, it's been 15 plus years, but I remember a woman named Brandy, I had a couple of dates with, And I think it was late in our 2nd date. We were in Brooklyn. We're walking through a park at night, and I had never kissed her or even tried. And it was our 2nd date, and there was this perfect moment. We're sitting on a park bench. We were alone. It was romantic. And, I wanted to kiss her, but I was afraid.

Connell Barrett:
So I wimped out. I was a coward. And the moment passed. When we got up from the bench, we started walking down this path, and then I realized that I'd screwed up. I realized that I had my chance, and then I awkwardly pressed and and tried to not not physically force, of course, but I tried to assert a kiss. And I went in for the kiss, 5 minutes too late, trying too hard, and she turned the cheek and said, no. Sorry. She said literally she and I quote Brandy.

Connell Barrett:
She said, sorry. You had your chance back there on the bench. I'm not feeling it anymore. Boom. There's your textbook definition of the friend zone. Still gives me chills all these years later, but, hey, those lessons make you wiser. They certainly made me wiser. So the bottom line is it's okay to feel fear.

Connell Barrett:
It's okay to want to go for a first kiss and feel fear. Fear is okay. Cowardice is not. So on any first date that has gone fairly well, and my definition of fairly well is that the 2 of you are engaged in a pretty good conversation. There's a nice positive vibe between you. Let's call that a pretty good date. It's going pretty well. On any date like that, go for a first kiss toward the end of the evening, or at the very least, look her in the eye and say, hey.

Connell Barrett:
I wanna kiss you. And say it with a sense of, oomph, a sense of, yeah. I wanna kiss you. She might give you that green light you need to go in. Or if you just move in for that kiss, women love a man who takes risks. K? So be that risk taker. Here's your 3rd tip on getting second dates. On your next first date, if you wanna see her again, ask for a second date during the first date.

Connell Barrett:
That's right. Before the date is over, that first date, confidently, at least as confidently as you can, summon, say something like, hey. I've really enjoyed tonight, and I wanna see you again. When are you free next? Did you hear that word or those two words? I just said them again. I want to. Just like I said, hey. Look her in the eye and say, I wanna kiss you. You can also, on that first date, say, hey.

Connell Barrett:
I wanna see you again. When are you free next? You , I can almost hear you? I can hear you right now saying, Connell, isn't that needy? Isn't that trying hard? And my answer to you is, why are you talking to a podcast? I can't hear you. No. This is not needy as long as you completely own your interest and intention. Women like a decisive guy who goes after what he wants and who knows what he wants, and he goes after it. That's the essence of masculinity right there in my book. Talk about authenticity, the intersection of authenticity and masculinity. It's about knowing what you want.

Connell Barrett:
You want a second date with this wonderful woman, see if she's as wonderful as she seems so far, and you're just gonna say, here's what I want. I've really enjoyed tonight, and I want to see you again. When are you free next? I did this with a woman I dated for a while. Her name starts with a b. Oh, Brooke. I think I did this with Brooke. I let her know I wanted to see her, and she really responded to that. She loved knowing that I wanted to have a second date with her.

Connell Barrett:
Many, many, I would say, majority of women want to know if you wanna see her again. They don't want you to play it cool. They don't want you to be mysterious. They don't want you to play games. They just want you to tell the truth. And so, yeah, on your next first date, if you wanna see her again before the date is over, say, quote, I've really enjoyed tonight, and I wanna see you again. When are you free next? Because 2 of the sexiest words to women are you saying I want, a man saying I want. So tell her what you want, Barry.

Connell Barrett:
Tell her that you want a second date. In your question, Barry, you mentioned how you text. You ask her out by text. Oh, I hate having to do that. I'll do it. It's okay. But I much rather just let a woman know that I wanna see her again on the second date. And here's a bonus tip in addition to that sort of a companion piece to this tip.

Connell Barrett:
A great time to go for that second date during the first date is here's a semi advanced move. Choose a high point moment. Choose a moment where things are, like, you know, you just made her laugh. You said something witty and funny, and you're both giggling. You're both having a high point moment. That's a great time to say, oh, hey. By the way, I've really enjoyed tonight, and I wanna see you again. When are you free next? It's great to ask for what you want right when you're making her laugh and feel good because women make their dating decisions in large part based on how they feel at that moment.

Connell Barrett:
They don't, they don't check-in with their logical analytical mind quite as much as they check-in with how they're feeling. And so if you want a really advanced tip, ask for that second date during the first date and ask during a high point moment when you've got her giggling and things are going really good. That's the best way to get that yes. It's not needy as long as you own it and fully commit to this idea that, hey, you're an authentic man is going after what he wants and you want a second date with her. So stop playing it safe, take some risks on those first dates, make a stronger impact, and you're gonna turn 1st dates into 2nd dates in no time. Alright. If you again, if you have questions for me for this podcast, send them to connell@datingtransformation.com. By the way, if you want a free copy of my book, I wrote a pretty damn kick ass book called Dating Sucks But You Don't.

Connell Barrett:
If you want a free copy, all you gotta do is shoot me an email and just say free copy. I heard on the podcast I can get a free copy, and I will email you a free, e version of my book. So feel free to do that. Thank you so much for listening. I know you have literally 1000000 podcasts out there to be listening to right now. Thank you for spending some time with me today. I really value it. I like to think of myself as your podcast dating coach.

Connell Barrett:
I'm your hitch. I'm your podcast hitch here helping you, I hope. Feedback, send me an email. Positive review, please leave 1 on Apple, on Spotify, on wherever the hell you leave reviews. Or, or don't. It's all good either way, but feel free to do that. And don't forget your dream girlfriend. She is out there, and she is gonna love you.

Connell Barrett:
In fact, she already does love you, the idea of you anyway, but she's gonna have to meet the real authentic you. So go show women that best authentic side of you. Go out there. Take courageous authentic action. Carpe datum. Seize the date. Till next time.