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Ask the Dating Coach Mailbag

Featuring NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
listen on Spotifylisten on Apple podcasts

Get your dating questions answered with dating coaches Robbie Kramer and Connell Barrett.

FOR A FREE STRATEGY CALL WITH CONNELL, TO LEARN HOW TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN: https://www.datingtransformation.com/contact

GET CONNELL’S NO. 1 BESTSELLING GUIDE FOR MEN, “DATING SUCKS BUT YOU DON’T,” YOUR PRACTICAL GUIDE ON HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND BY BEING RADICALLY AUTHENTIC:
www.amazon.com/Dating-Sucks-but-You-Dont-ebook/dp/B08LDZL3

"Discovering humor in the mundane is a skill, even if life lacks constant excitement. Embrace the ordinary, recognizing not everyone lives a thrilling existence."

-Robbie Kramer

Featured in the episode

Connell Barrett, Founder and Executive Coach of DatingTransformation
Website: https://datingtransformation.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/datingtransformation

Robbie Kramer
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/robbiekramer/

Chapters

00:00 - Introduction
00:53 - Deliberating Online Dating Strategies and Script Usage
04:45 - Playfully Identifying Weaknesses in Conversational Tone
07:18 - Effectiveness of Personalized, Effortless Messages
11:39 - Enhancing Responses with Quick, Tailored Messaging
14:53 - Flirting Advice for Dating Gracefully and Respectfully
17:35 - Utilizing Games to Enhance Date Intimacy
20:35 - Relationship Origins: Banter-Packed First Date
26:50 - Photo Opinions Solicited for Enhanced Profile Quality
28:21 - Crafting Profile Pictures: Appealing, Genuine, and Verified
30:53 - Picture Story: Man Amid Desert and Hammock
35:58 - Managing Photos Before Bio and Prompts Composition
39:20 - Experimenting with Playful Sexual Prompts
41:41 - Crafting Engaging Social Media Content Challenges
47:06 - Balancing Self-Presentation: Discretion over Grandiosity
49:35 - Prioritizing Social Circles Over Online Dating
52:10 - Outro

You May Also Like:

From Dateless To Dating

How Not To Be Creepy When Looking For A Date

How To Get Over A Breakup

I'm Short, How Do I Get Dates

TRANSCRIPT

Connell Barrett:

Welcome to the dating transformation podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett.

 

Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract an amazing girlfriend all by being authentic. No sketchy pickup artist stuff needed. And, basically, think of me as the real life Hitch, if Hitch was a skinny, nerdy ginger with glasses. Yeah. And I'm really psyched to do something that I normally do solo. We're gonna open the mailbag and answer some questions about some dating problems you might be having, like struggling on 1st dates or struggling with writing openers or perhaps not knowing if you might be doing something wrong with your online dating profile.

 

Connell Barrett:

We're gonna talk about some of these issues. What I'm really psyched about is we have a special guest today to help us do that. We have another dating coach. His name is Robbie Kramer. Robbie is a dating coach for men. He specializes in helping digital nomads and men who are working remotely improve their dating life. And he's been a guest before and, by popular demand, he is back. And if you wanna learn more about Robbie and how he helps guys with their confidence, create a social circle, and just basically take your dating results to the next level, Robbie is the head of the website inner confidence.com.

 

Connell Barrett:

Robbie Kramer, thanks for coming back on the pod, man.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Yeah, man. Thanks for having me again, Connell.

 

Connell Barrett:

Great to be here. Out of time because your resume's too long. But, anyway, thanks for being here, it was a good joke. I never get tired of that joke. Anyway, cool. Let's get into the mailbag because I I I just this podcast is usually me talking into the mic and talking to the the introverted guy, the guy who's maybe struggling with the apps or struggling on 1st dates, but it's fun to kick around some some ideas with another dating coach who I really respect, which is obviously you. So it's Yeah.

 

Robbie Kramer:

When we did, you know, I had you on my show, and I came on your show previously, and we had some great conversations. So,

 

Connell Barrett:

I'll talk about there's not a lot of men who I really like and respect in this world. No disrespect to anybody else. I won't name names, but, basically, a lot of guys teach this wrong or they have sort of creepy intentions. And you're certainly a guy of integrity and you teach you know what you're talking about. So anyway, I'm super stoked to have you here. And thought I'd start with a question from a guy named Nick. Nick messaged me on Instagram, and Nick basically said, hey, Connell. I really struggle with knowing what to write for my openers.

 

Connell Barrett:

I get a lot of matches, but I don't get many women writing me back. They tend to go quiet. Any thoughts on how to write better openers on the dating apps? And any let me let me start with you, Robbie. You're the man today. Any thoughts on sort of the art of writing good openers on dating apps?

 

Robbie Kramer:

You know, this is a pretty highly debated topic in my Discord community. Because on one hand, you've got the guys who kind of say you should just follow scripts. Right? There's a pretty easy to find online dating script. We certainly have a few in our community that the guys use, and it's like, why try and reinvent the wheel when there's such a low return on investment given most women, you know, are using sort of online dating for more of the validation type of purposes. Right? It's hard to know, like, is this person a waste of time or not? So am I gonna really go out of my way to write a, you know, a witty, personalized opener given there very well could be a possibility she's never gonna read it or open it or give a shit. Right? Right. So I do think there's a lot of value in doing that because it makes you a better communicator. You get better at texting by doing that.

 

Robbie Kramer:

You get better at just being flirty and by being social. Right? And, obviously, relying on scripts and that sort of thing isn't going to really make you that much better at the end of the day. So I kind of recommend a little bit of both. Right? And to see which one's working for you. One of the ones that the guys in my group are using a lot is the opener. You seem to have a few of my weaknesses because, of course, that's, it's intriguing. Right? And it immediately makes it a male, female sort of, you know, polarizing conversation. Right? It's not like, hey.

 

Robbie Kramer:

What did you have for breakfast? Or, you know, you're not, like, commenting on one of her pictures. And then depending on what your weaknesses are, you list out a few of those. You know, and I think the guys so one of the guys I wanna give credit to, I think, is to play with fire. I think this is from their stuff. But, effectively, when she says, what are those weaknesses, you're gonna say, adventurous. The ones I remember I've got the whole document. I don't know if I need to pull it up. But the ones I remember are adventurous, don't take herself too seriously, possibly nice booty, submissive, and then, like, you fill in the blank.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Right? And, of course, you kinda have to assume she's gonna respond to the possible nice booty with, like, it is nice or people have told me it's nice. Right? And then the one that's really polarizing is a submissive comment. Right? Because if she you get a lot of different responses from that. Some women will be like, I'm not submissive at all. You know, you're an idiot. Don't message me again. Other women will be like, oh, I'm very submissive. Are you dominant? And then it kind of goes into this other conversation, where you can kind of riff off that.

 

Robbie Kramer:

And then once that what's interesting about this opener, in my opinion, is it's very psychological based, and everyone wants to talk about themselves. Everyone wants to talk about psychology, and it's like chick crack. So that's why that's kinda like the default that the guys in my group have been using with the most success versus anything else.

 

Connell Barrett:

I like that. And would you recommend tailoring it to the woman a little bit based on what you notice on the profile? Because what I like about what you're saying here is you've got a largely one size fits all structure, but then you can tweak it a little bit to make it feel more personalized to her. Yeah?

 

Robbie Kramer:

100%. And the guys who are lazy and they don't do that, they typically get responses calling that out. Like, how many girls have you sent this to? Nice nice cut and paste. Those sorts of things, which I always tell them, like, it's okay that she's saying that because any response is a good response with online dating. Right? That gets the conversation going and that continues it. But, yes, you would certainly wanna try to personalize it for the obvious reason that you just pointed out, which is she'll know it's, you know, a canned line. But what I mentioned earlier is you'll get better at communicating by doing that.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. I really like that one because it's not super high investment on your end. If you can find 1 or 2 things in the little multiple choice options you're giving her that feel tailored toward her, it hopefully will feel to her like you wrote it for her. At the same time, you don't need to write Shakespearean sonnets of original amazing content if that's not your strength. My version of that may be that great minds think alike, he said, patting himself on the back. My version of that that I came up with or I felt like I came up with, maybe I found something similar out there, is, hey, name. You might just have the 2 or 3 things in a girl that make my knees weak and then you just leave that. And that was just something I started experimenting with.

 

Connell Barrett:

And it started working pretty nicely on my profile and my openers and for some of my clients. And then it's basically clickbait. It's basically saying, hey, there's some things about you that are very special that are making me interested. And what person wouldn't wanna know more? To your point about psychology, what person wouldn't wanna know what it is about me that makes you this week? I would be dying to know if a girl said that to me. I would think, like, what is it? My handsomeness? My

 

Robbie Kramer:

It plays perfectly into our inherent narcissism.

 

Connell Barrett:

Exactly.

 

Connell Barrett:

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. And desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news.

 

Connell Barrett:

Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, a charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at dating transformation .comforward/contact and grab a time that works for you.

 

Connell Barrett:

Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients, so book a call today while you still can. Go to dating transformation.comforward/contact and transform your love life. Bye.

 

Connell Barrett:

And then what you could do for the 2nd message so the idea here is that you don't have to think about the opener at all. Hey, name, except her name. There's 1 or 2. There's a couple of things about you that really make me weak in the knees and then that's the clickbait. And if she doesn't respond to that, okay, maybe just move on. Maybe she doesn't wanna know enough. But if she does wanna know, then you can tailor your answer to say something like well, very similar to what the tips you gave. I've never used the word submissive per se.

 

Connell Barrett:

I've said things like, I do want that first line of the next message to be somewhat personalized. Like, well, you're you know, looks like you're really intelligent because you're a grad student at Columbia. And also, you seem like 1 or 2 other things. And I like to throw in, and I feel like you might be a really good kisser. Am I close? And then a lot of women say, oh, well, yeah. I like to think I'm smart and, you know, you'll have to find out about the kissing part. Now we're flirting. Now we've got a nice flirtatious vibe going back and forth.

 

Connell Barrett:

So, it sounds really very similar to yours.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Yeah. I mean, it's, like you said, great minds think alike. So

 

Connell Barrett:

Perhaps. Perhaps. Yeah. I've also sent 1,000,000 openers that totally tanked. So sometimes my mind is not as great as I want it to be.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Well, that's, you know, I think that's the proper approach. Right? Like, if you try to spend hours on every single opener, you're just there's just no ROI there. And once she's responding, then you, you know, reward that behavior with more interesting, personalized messaging, and then that's where I feel like a lot of guys get stuck if they rely too much on the scripts. And it's pretty obvious to women that there's like, okay, this guy just doesn't he's just not quite there socially. And she'll feel that red flag. She might not consciously feel it, but she'll feel it on some level. And so, you know, she won't show up to that date or she won't give up and she won't take it further.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. I was just recording a video about this a couple days ago. I like to talk about the 3 Ps of a really good online dating opener. Number 1 is that it feels personalized to her. Hopefully it is or at least it feels that way number the 2nd P is playful it doesn't it's not too logical it's not asking her a purely factual question. There's some playfulness to it. And the 3rd would be the perfect length, which is more than 5 words, less than 5 paragraphs, 2 to 3, 4 sentences. It kind of depends.

 

Connell Barrett:

If you hit those 3 p's, then you're you're you're practicing something really helpful to your texting game in general whether or not she responds. But I don't want you to spend an hour to send the perfect opener because, hey, she's getting if she's a really attractive quality person, she's getting a 100 matches a day anyway, and she might not even see it. So there are diminishing returns there.

 

Robbie Kramer:

100%. I like the 3 p's.

 

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Nick has a follow-up. Nick has another question. This is actually about first dates. His other question thank you, by the way, Nick from Instagram for hitting me up. His other question is just about first dates. Specifically, Nick said, hey, Connell. Do you have any thoughts on whether or not to be sexual on a 1st date? I worry about coming across as too creepy if I am escalating, getting too sexy too soon on a 1st date? Yeah.

 

Connell Barrett:

That's a good question. The topic of sexuality and how to quote unquote sexual to be on a 1st date. Again, I'll let you have the opening swing at this one. Robbie, what are your thoughts on sexuality and flirtatious communication on a first date?

 

Robbie Kramer:

I think we should designate a line between flirting and sexuality because flirting is you know, it's playful, as you mentioned. It's not necessarily sexual. Like, I can flirt with you, for example, and that wouldn't be sexual. Like, you can flirt with dudes and you flirt with dudes by making fun of each other typically, right? I see flirting as not a sexual thing. It leads to a sexual connection when done with someone of the opposite sex that you're attracted to or same sex, if that's your thing. But it's not sexual by nature, right? It's just playful. It's teasing. It's not logical conversation, you could say.

 

Robbie Kramer:

And I'm a huge fan of flirting. I think that is exactly how you should be on the date the majority of the time. Right? Like, if at the end of every date, the girl's like, that guy was too flirty, I'll show you a guy with a, with a ton of options, right? Like that basically never happens, right? There is a thing of being, like, over gamey and making too many jokes and not being able to, you know, ever get serious and connect, but that's that's extremely rare, from what I've seen. Now getting sexual, now that's an area that I feel like most guys really screw up. They think they need to get really sexual. They want to get sexual because they want to have sex and they come on way too strong on dates and they do it in a way that is uncalibrated and that really turns women off. They talk about sex too soon. They ask about it like they're just too much about sex.

 

Robbie Kramer:

And I've, you know, interviewed countless women about this and they all agree that if most, like, if a woman likes you and she finds you sexually attractive and there's flirtation, there's chemistry, a lot of times she'll get sexual first. And that's when you can simply mirror her and follow her suit and you know you're good because she kind of went there first. And the way I have a very structured way of doing it, which takes all the guesswork out of the equation. I instruct my clients to play the questions game, which everyone's played. It's basically truth or dare without the dare, and I suggest that they set up this questions game on the 2nd venue of the date. You don't want to do that, like, right off the bat because it seems a little cheesy. But, you know, you meet her for a drink, you spend 30 minutes, 45 minutes chatting, and then you change venues. Like, hey.

 

Robbie Kramer:

We're next spot. Let's go. Right? You go to the next place, it could be another bar or coffee shop. It could be walking through a park and talking. You sit on a park bench and say, hey. Let's have a little fun. Let's play a little game. I'm sure you played before.

 

Robbie Kramer:

It's called the questions game. It's truth or dare without the dare. There's 3 rules. Rule number 1 is you have to be honest. Rule number 2 is I'll ask a question then you answer and then I'll have to answer my own question and then we'll switch. So you have to

 

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Also answer your own question. And the last rule is you can't ask boring or mundane questions. You have to ask something that would potentially make the other person feel a little bit uncomfortable or embarrassed or awkward. And that way, we actually, you know, have fun with the game. So those are the 3 rules. I'll go first. Right? And then my first question is always, what's your spirit animal? Because it's silly and playful and also kind of interesting. And then typically if a woman's interested in you, when it's her turn to ask questions, she'll ask something sexual all the time because that's kind of like the game has created that structure to do so.

 

Robbie Kramer:

And if she doesn't, you know, another question I'll typically ask is like, what's your most embarrassing moment? Or tell me about your worst first date. And as the game progresses, most of the time, like I said, if she likes you, she'll go first with a sexual question, and if not, maybe by like question 4, I might ask her, Where's the craziest place you've ever had sex? And depending on her answer, I know I know, all right, we've bridged that gap and we can kind of talk about these things and that'll make the conversation more interesting. And typically by that point in a date, you'll be getting the connection strong enough where you can go for a kiss. Most of the time in my experience on dates and my clients, like it's during the questions game when they typically go for the kiss because of the connection that's being built and and obviously if she's getting sexual, it's a very strong signal that you could go for it and and get it. So aside from that, I basically say stay away from sexual stuff. And as the game progresses, you'll, you know, you can continue talking about that. You can ditch the game and go and have sex if you're all over each other. But, yeah, that's my 2¢.

 

Connell Barrett:

I love that's great. That's worth way more than 2¢. I love the idea of changing venues, almost like kinda rebooting the date or saying, hey, we've now graduated to a sec almost like a 2nd date on the 1st night of meeting her. And that just makes, again, psychological sense. I would imagine a woman feeling like, oh, here we are. 2nd drink, 2nd venue. Things are getting a bit more personal, potentially more risque, but also it's not required. I like the structure that you just outlined, and I love the idea of the question game.

 

Connell Barrett:

I also love the idea of saying, hey, truth or dare without the dare. I never heard that put that way before. That's really cool.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Yeah. It's fun. Right? Like, who doesn't wanna play?

 

Connell Barrett:

Right. The thing that I have advised some of my clients on is doing the same basic thing, and you sort of, like, start off with very g rated questions, innocent, light and fun, but innocent. Right? You know, like, what was your dorkiest, what were you teased about or what were you, what were you a big dork about in grade school? And then kinda maybe segue into some romance adjacent topics or g rated romantic topics, like, tell me about your first kiss or asking about the 1st kiss. I have a really good first kiss story that I'm sometimes trying to tee up for myself if she's interested and wants to know, and I like to ask her hers. So I, I sort of like to suggest guys lead up. If you're going to try to take things to a slightly more risky sexual place, I say small, small steps there to see how she feels about it. The bottom line is it's optional. You don't have to talk about sex or be quite unquote sexual.

 

Connell Barrett:

To have a really good, sexy, fun first date, it really depends on how she likes to flirt and connect with a guy and also how you like to flirt and connect as a guy. It's sort of like, I say to my clients, like, Gal Gadot? Would you still really wanna make something good happen with Galacto? Yes. Because there's a natural, draw attraction that you 2 hopefully have. Similarly, you know, my 1st date with my now girlfriend, Jess, there wasn't a single risque explicit thing we said. We just bantered and joked and teased each other the whole night, and that was how we dialed things up. And then all of a sudden, we were kissing and clearly into each other. So I love it. That was great stuff.

 

Connell Barrett:

Any final thoughts about being sexual or not being sexual

 

Robbie Kramer:

on a date? I agree 100% with everything you're saying and the psychology behind it because that's a powerful metaphor about Gal Gadot. And this you know, guys think, oh, if I don't get sexual, she won't know I'm interested. It's like, no, bro. She knows you're interested.

 

Connell Barrett:

You're on

 

Robbie Kramer:

a date. Right? Like, you don't have to club her over the head with that. Like, that will happen naturally when she's ready. Right? Women are kind of like ovens. Men are like microwaves. Right? You turn the knob and we're ready. But women aren't the same, right? You have to slowly escalate and that happens on her timeline, not yours. So yeah.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Less talking, more listening has always been my, you know, best dating advice. If you can do less than 10% of the talking, usually, you'll end up, you know, kissing. And if you're doing 90% of the talking, you'll almost never end up in a place where you wanna end up at the end of the night.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. There's also different ways to bring sex into the conversation that aren't necessarily, I'm trying to sexually excite you. It can just be woven into your sense of humor. And this is by the way, the story I'm about to tell, it's not a directive I would give every guy. Do not try this at home. But I had a first date once with a woman And I could tell from her profile, our banter back and forth, that she was pretty she was pretty what's the right word for it? She's very blunt. She responded like blunt, fun, more risky conversation. I could just tell.

 

Connell Barrett:

And it just comes with time and effort. Anyway, I'm sitting in a bar waiting for this woman to show up. And I just grabbed us a seat in a section of the bar that had 14 other men sitting there because a lacrosse team was having post lacrosse practice drinks. So it was me, 14 guys, and I'm waiting for my date. She walks in. She looks at me. She looks at all these guys and kind of gives me a look like what's going on here? And I said, oh yeah, I just thought maybe, you know, we'd have a gangbang tonight. And that just came out of the moment.

 

Connell Barrett:

That's my authentic, probably polarizing personality. And I would not say that to a shy woman who went to Catholic school maybe, but this woman, I could get a sense that she probably would like that. She broke up laughing and she thought that was hilarious. That wasn't said with sexual intent. It was just a stupid funny line that came out of the moment.

 

Connell Barrett:

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number 1 Amazon best selling book. Dating sucks, but you don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Connell Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with.

 

Connell Barrett:

He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks, but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks, but you don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook. Get Dating Sucks But You Don't Today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

 

Connell Barrett:

I guess my point is there's ways to bring talk about sex, talk about sexual things in a way that's more humorous, more just a way to convey your personality. So, anyway, guys, don't do the gang bang line. I'm not recommending that. No. Don't do the 1st date, gang. This is not who I am, but it just made sense for this woman. It was a really good date, and she thought it was hilarious. Okay.

 

Robbie Kramer:

We started the date with a with a bang,

 

Connell Barrett:

for sure. Yes. Okay. One more question from Instagram. Okay. One more question from Instagram. This comes from Alex. Alex has another back to online dating.

 

Connell Barrett:

He says, hey, Connell. I have lots of photos that I think are really good photos on my dating profile, but I'm just not getting the kinds of matches that I want from women. Is the problem my photos or do you think I should work instead on my prompts? So I think Alex is talking about Hinge and perhaps Bumble with 2 apps that have a lot of prompt real estate. So I think what Alex is basically asking is if I think my photos are pretty good, what's the next thing a guy should look at if he's struggling on a dating app? Any thoughts there?

 

Robbie Kramer:

So there's a difference, I guess, between thinking your photos look good and knowing they look good, and that's where I think it's really important to get, you know, get solid advice there because there's no point in working on the prompts if your photos suck. And just because you think they look good, doesn't mean they look good. Right? So there's a photo feeler, which is a way where you can just upload your photos and people can rate them. So that's one way to tell. Another way to tell is by simply asking, you know, either beautiful women that are in your target market. You know, if you're friends with them, you could ask them what they think of your profile photos. You could ask a dating coach like us. You could ask some other buddies if you value their opinion.

 

Robbie Kramer:

But I don't think there's a whole lot of benefit in working on your prompts until you know that your photos are good. And, you know, it makes it worth it to invest in making sure those photos work. And then yeah. I mean, what we've seen that that prompt certainly helped, but I feel like photos are 90% of the game.

 

Connell Barrett:

I agree. Do you think that really good photos with mediocre prompts can still get a guy some good results? Do you think that's something a guy should say, hey. Before I even worry about my prompts, make sure that I'm getting at least some nibbles because that means my photos are good enough. Thoughts are

 

Robbie Kramer:

I would agree. 100%.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. I think there's a lot about validity in that because if you have really kick ass photos, you know, a couple great I don't know your definition. I'd love to hear you share your thoughts in a second. My view on really good profile photos are at least 1, maybe 2 really good portraits that just show you looking really attractive. Ideally, they've got some good scores on PhotoFeeler. Or at the very least, you've gotten some good feedback from some single women who say, oh, yeah, these are really good. And then a couple photos that are showing you living an attractive life, but without looking too editorialized. So here's you on the boat on the weekend, or here's you at a cool restaurant with your friends, well dressed, having fun or on the dance floor at the wedding.

 

Connell Barrett:

Nice combination of portraits and slice of life candid photos just to give a woman a sense for, hey, this is what dating this guy would be like, and it's attractive. My definition. What about what do you want to add to that?

 

Robbie Kramer:

Yeah. I love that. Let me share an example here.

 

Connell Barrett:

Can you

 

Robbie Kramer:

see my screen?

 

Connell Barrett:

Great. We've got audio and visuals today. So we

 

Robbie Kramer:

There we go. So this is a buddy of mine, and he does really well with online dating. And at first glance, you're like, okay. These are just a bunch of random cool looking photos, but there's actually a very scientific approach to this. So if you look at these 6 photos, right, these are just of him, and they're in a unique and interesting location, but the way that he has himself and the out and the background is quite by design. So you have to place yourself in either the bottom third of a photo or ideally on the quadrants on either side. So, like, if we take this photo on the top left, he's in the bottom third.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Please describe this photo for people who aren't able to see this.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Oh, my bad. Yeah. Forgot that probably people are mainly listening. So this is a photo of him standing on a cool sort of art installation hand somewhere in Colombia, with a beautiful background.

 

Connell Barrett:

Giant hand the size of King Kong's hand, basically.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Right. And there's stairs up to it. So he's basically standing on a platform that looks like a hand. He's positioned in the bottom third of the photo. He's not looking at the camera, and he's obviously walking down the stairs. So it's kind of like an action shot. He's not posing. Right? And then the background is very beautiful.

 

Robbie Kramer:

It's of, like, a mountain or a valley behind him. And the interesting thing here is the photo seems to be of him, but it's really more about the cool, interesting background somewhere in the desert, where cool, interesting background somewhere in the desert, like beautiful beautiful colors, and he's actually not looking at the camera. His back is facing the camera. You can see the side of his head, and he's in the bottom third quadrant of the photo. And then I'll show one more example, which is him in a hammock. He's in the left, he's in the he's left he's left of center in the one of the the 3rd quadrants. I'm doing a better job of describing that. He's looking off into the distance at an island, and he's next to a dock, like I said, in a hammock, and there's a little boat, and this looks like somewhere possibly in Thailand.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Again, not looking at the photo. So this is his Instagram, but he uses a lot of these photos for his online dating profile. Right. And that 1 third quadrant either on the bottom or the left or the right, I guess it kinda could be on the top, but I think that'd be weird, for most photos, you know, obviously, because you're not floating in space. Right. So a couple

 

Connell Barrett:

Roddy? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Go please go back to those photos. I wanna talk through them real quick Yeah. And give a couple of my takeaways or my perception. But finish your thought, you're what you were saying.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Yeah. So the 1 third quadrant, you with an interesting background, not looking at the camera, not smiling, not posing. Right? They want to be as candid as possible. And this is for Instagram, but these would all work for online dating as well. And I think if it's an online dating profile and you have a couple where you are looking at the camera, that would be fine. You know, like this one for example, this is obviously him posing looking at the camera, but again, not smiling, which portrays a lot more masculinity. Then, like, the typical cheesy, hey, smile at the camera. Right.

 

Robbie Kramer:

So he does very well with his online dating. And we all know Instagram is online dating, so it's kind of 1 in the same in my opinion.

 

Connell Barrett:

Got it. Do me a favor. Can you go back to the 1st photo you showed of the giant hand? Sure. I love this shot. Here's my perception of why this could do really well for this man on his online dating profile. So we've got every photo that has, I think, a subtext. There's the photo, but then there's the message that's being conveyed. When I look at your client, he's on vacation.

 

Connell Barrett:

He's somewhere exotic, somewhere very different from what women are used to seeing. So his photo is breaking

 

Robbie Kramer:

For the record, this is just a buddy of mine.

 

Connell Barrett:

I'm sorry. A buddy of yours. Got it. Got it.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Fair enough.

 

Connell Barrett:

So this is a friend of yours. If this was on a dating profile looking at it through the lens of a single woman, I'm sure she would think, oh, wow, I don't see a photo like this very often. So this photo of him standing on a giant hand in an exotic tropical location would break her pattern, what she's used to seeing. It's not a selfie. It's not a shot of him and his 4 friends holding beers, looking at the camera. It's a pattern interrupt but in a high value way because look at where he is. He's a bit if it makes a woman say this is different. It also creates curiosity.

 

Connell Barrett:

It makes me wanna say, hey, where were you? Oh,

 

Robbie Kramer:

Oh, sorry to cut you off. I just wanted to piggyback what you're saying. It shows that he has access to scarce resources as well, which shows status.

 

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

 

Robbie Kramer:

He is able to get to a cool location like this, which must make him a guy who is capable of giving her a cool experience. And that's what

 

Connell Barrett:

Right.

 

Robbie Kramer:

You know, that's how you show status online.

 

Connell Barrett:

As opposed to showing you at Fuddruckers on Tuesday night, which is not quite as high status. This episode is not sponsored by Fuddruckers,

 

Robbie Kramer:

clearly.

 

Connell Barrett:

No. That's a great point about status because the subtext here is, hey. If you are in my life, single woman, who knows? You and I might be traveling to a cool venue like this together. Or even if we don't, I'm a man of certain means. Yeah?

 

Robbie Kramer:

Exactly.

 

Connell Barrett:

Fantastic. This is great. And, by the way, with Robbie's pending Robbie's approval, I'll put this on YouTube with some visuals, but we'll see. We'll find out. Hopefully, you're able to see these even if you're only listening to this. These are great visuals. Fantastic. And what I what I like about these is what I like about these photos is they're just it basically resending really positive, attractive

 

Robbie Kramer:

signals to women, and that's what

 

Connell Barrett:

your photos do, basically. Here's basically. Here's the value I have to offer you as a man, as a single man, and, and, you know, some women are gonna be into it. And if they're not, fine. There's other options out there.

 

Robbie Kramer:

This is great stuff.

 

Connell Barrett:

Cool. Yeah. So get your photos handled first and foremost before you tackle the prompts. All that said, just to answer Alex's question in even more detail, let's say you do feel good about your photos. Let's say you really are starting to get some nice matches, some women showing interest in you based purely on your photos. Do you have a philosophy on what you should or what you should not write on your bio or on your prompts?

 

Robbie Kramer:

Good question. Yeah. I'm gonna pull up my prompts here. Let's see. Scripts. Here we go. Props. So a few that I have, I can share my screen again, and I'll talk them through.

 

Robbie Kramer:

These have been the ones that have been field tested in our community. So, also, in this order as well, they found them to be pretty good. So the first one is the hallmark of a good relationship is communication and great sex, which is you know, no one's gonna really argue with that, but it it

 

Connell Barrett:

shows What? What? On a dating app? You creep. You weirdo.

 

Robbie Kramer:

But this is to your point. It's like you're talking about sex, but you're not overtly kind of talking about it Yeah. To her. Right? So it's not gonna it's it's just gonna hit differently. A shower thought I recently had, you don't even wanna know with the devil emoji. Devil emoji. Sorry. So that's just, again, like, a little bit of a sexual innuendo, but not too overt.

 

Robbie Kramer:

You should leave a comment if you want a psychological analysis based on your profile. This is a great one because What Girl doesn't. It plays right into the

 

Connell Barrett:

Oh, I like

 

Robbie Kramer:

that one. Openers. Another one, random fact, blindfolds are much more fun than turning the lights off.

 

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. That's really good.

 

Robbie Kramer:

My most irrational

 

Connell Barrett:

fear naughty.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Naughty, naughty. Right? My most irrational fear is that I'll get trapped in an elevator with a slow talker. So we and then there's there's 1 more, and you can see if you if you're look if if you're looking at the visual here, we this is a living, breathing document where we disagree with each other on this one. We'll get along if you know all the words in the Macarena. Yeah.

 

Connell Barrett:

Nice.

 

Robbie Kramer:

It's funny because there's literally, I think, 2 words, a Macarena.

 

Connell Barrett:

You're mentioning some Google notes that somebody wrote saying x you know, Eric thinks that pro that prompt sucks. I think that's okay. It's okay to have polarizing prompts. We're not there's no such thing as a prompt that every single woman's gonna love.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Totally. Other that

 

Connell Barrett:

I know anyway. If you have that, please tell me. It's okay to have prompts that are polarizing. Hey. What is this? This is a piece of marketing. This is digital marketing for your dating life, and it's okay to have a prompt that speaks to your audience and might not speak to other women who might not be your type. So the slow talker joke, if she's a Seinfeld fan, she's totally gonna get that, and she might really like it. And if she's not, it might go overhead, and that's okay.

 

Connell Barrett:

And same with sexuality. Maybe you wanna test some sexual prompts, some more risque prompts. If that feels authentic to you, then guess what? You should go ahead and try it out as long as it's not vulgar. One of my favorites that really worked for me was, I like to combine humor and sexuality, hence my gangbang joke. And you do it well? Never use that without checking with me. Public servant's announcement. Don't use the gang bang first date move without Connell's express written consent. Anyway, but one of my favorite prompts last time I was single was, I won't I won't break your heart, but I might break your headboard.

 

Connell Barrett:

A woman who likes that is gonna find it maybe a bit edgy, a bit a bit, well, sexy. Other women might be like, woah, too much too soon. That's okay.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Right.

 

Connell Barrett:

Maybe I wanna date a woman who's a bit more confident or open to that kind of sexy talk. That's probably more extreme than I would recommend most people, but, no, I like those. I also love the blindfold one because now it's a bit more implied sexuality, which gives you some wiggle room.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Totally.

 

Connell Barrett:

It's like

 

Robbie Kramer:

I like your skin.

 

Connell Barrett:

I just meant I just meant blindfold. I didn't mean anything by it.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Yeah. Get your mind out of the gutter.

 

Connell Barrett:

Are there any questions that you hear often, Robbie, from your gang, your community, or any specific questions you've heard recently that you'd like to bring to the table today?

 

Robbie Kramer:

So what I'm always pushing my clients to do is to be more active with their Instagram account and with their Instagram stories because all roads when it comes to dating really lead through Instagram these days. Can you succeed without Instagram? Yes. But, you know, you're fighting with 1 hand tied behind your back. You know, most people link their online dating profiles to Instagram. Before you go on a date, you're probably gonna message her on Instagram. She's probably gonna be more responsive on Instagram versus normal texting. And the other benefit of Instagram is you can stay top of mind and you can show status preselection. You could show all of these signals that you're a high value man without overtly communicating with her by posting on your stories.

 

Robbie Kramer:

So Right. Naturally, the guys I coach are always like, how do I post more interesting, better stories more often? And my first you know? So that's and that's hard. Right? Like, that's not easy to do because if you don't really have a whole lot of interesting stuff going on, how do you how do you find humor and interest in the mundane, which is quite a skill itself because it's not like we're all so interesting in going traveling every week or, you know, it's like we have like, I'm not that interesting. I work you know, my job right now is talking to you. Most people might find that interesting as a dating coach, but, but, like, I spend the majority of the time behind my computer. I go golfing in my spare time. Right? I hang out with my friends, but, like, there's a way to make that interesting and funny if you get really good at writing captions. And one of the cool little trends right now is it's kind of like a Gen z thing.

 

Robbie Kramer:

But if you're dating, you're probably interested in dating Gen z women if you like younger, good looking women. Right? Mhmm. And what's interesting about it is, like, you can put up kind of a mundane photo and with a really small caption. And that's kind of, like, trendy right now. Bear so, like, you can barely read the caption. And as long as the photo is like, it can kind of be of, like, a park bench, and if you can find something you like, this is the crazy thing about it. It might just say cool looking park bench or this park bench sucks, but it's so small you can see you have to zoom into the photo almost to see the caption. So that's just like a really easy hack to do this.

 

Robbie Kramer:

But, obviously, there's just like with online dating if you wanna become more creative. You wanna get better at writing and being a communicator, so you take the time to anytime you're out and about or anytime there's something interesting, you snap a photo and you try to write a witty caption for it. And I always tell the guys in my group to post those in the Discord, and then we'll help come up with witty captions. Sometimes it takes a village to do this. Gotcha. But the art or the act of being more engaging on social media will definitely take your dating life to a higher place.

 

Connell Barrett:

You said something pretty powerful a couple minutes ago. You said all dating roads lead through Instagram or many dating roads. I don't wanna misquote you. Do me a favor. We never really talked about this on the pod. Can you share with our guy listening to this why he needs to be on Instagram and why he needs a good Instagram to be linked to his online dating profile. Why do women want that? How is that gonna help him?

 

Robbie Kramer:

Well, where are the women these days? They're on Instagram. Right? They're 10 years ago, if you wanted to meet a woman, you'd have to go to a bar or a nightclub or leave the house and walk down the street. Right? For women to get validation before the Internet, they needed to get dressed up and wear something cute and go to a place where they could be seen. And that would give them a sense of validation. They'd feel beautiful. They'd feel seen. Right? And that is a very much need for a feminine creature. Right? There is that need to feel seen for your beauty.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Right? That is feminine energy, you could say. Now women don't have to leave the house. They can post on Instagram, and they're gonna get that validation, that attention. And that's why everyone's on Instagram. That's why women are on Instagram. Obviously, there's other reasons, but from a just from a where if you wanna date women, you have to be where they are. They are spending most of their social time on Instagram versus anywhere else. So if you're not there, you're just not where the women are.

 

Robbie Kramer:

So, you know, that's pretty straightforward, and you're not gonna really understand what's going on in their world. You're not gonna be plugged into pop culture. And I'm not suggesting you become addicted to Instagram and spend time, like, scrolling the explore page and wasting hours of your day, you know, in this vortex of Instagram because that can be really unhealthy. But if you do, you should follow the women that you're interested in because what they're posting will give you a lot of ideas of, you know, what they're about and how you can continue that conversation. It's a great way to keep in touch with your friends as well. It's a great way to stay top of mind with everyone in your life. So there's a balance, obviously, between too much social media and not enough, but you know, there's no way around that, that's where women are hanging out. So sorry for that long winded answer, but hopefully that answers the question.

 

Connell Barrett:

A great answer. Quick follow-up to that. So for a woman who is on the dating app looking at a guy's profile, if she sees a good profile, but maybe she's not sure about whether or not she wants to take a chance, if she does see his Instagram, is that something that can push her over into the, oh, yeah. I wanna talk to this guy either on or off the app. Is that what I'm hearing?

 

Robbie Kramer:

Oh, totally. You know, there's a lot of women where they won't go out with a guy unless they see his Instagram first, and that will be the difference maker. So it's make or break literally with many, many women on the platform. Just like when I was single, there was no way I was going to also go on a date or hang out with a girl who didn't have Instagram because I just thought, like, that's so weird that she doesn't have it. She might be a bot. She might be, you know, someone trying to scam me. It's because it's weird these days if you're not on it because everyone is.

 

Connell Barrett:

Right. Plus, when I was working on beginning to work on my dating life and and really getting into it from the double zeros all the way into the teen the 20 tens, it was really bad form and still is bad form to, at least in person, come across as bragging, come across as trying to show off or show your status because that can come across as try hard, it can come across as being insecure, and there's a lot of signals bad signals that can send. However, the cool thing about Instagram, I feel, is that it basically gives you license to kind of show your cool life without it coming across as trying to impress a specific woman. It's like, oh, here I am at this cool beach. Here I am at this cool party. Here's my awesome car I'm driving in on Saturday afternoon. That's actually expected on Instagram. If you convey that to a woman on a date, it might come across as a little try hard.

 

Connell Barrett:

But on Instagram, it's actually what you're supposed to do. The whole FOMO vibe is built into it. Yeah?

 

Robbie Kramer:

Totally. And I have a lot of clients that are traveling or they're living abroad, and so they run into the language barrier a lot on their dates. And I always say that's actually a benefit because now you can just look at each other's Instagram and go through each other's photos and have fun doing that. Use Google Translate, and it's literally like, let me go brag for an hour and just show you cool stuff that I've done, and then let me look at her photos. And you can have that conversation without any words. Just like, oh, gosh. You know? Great. Like and that is a flirty dynamic vibe.

 

Robbie Kramer:

And I can't tell you how many women when I was living in Eastern Europe, spoke zero English that I ended up, you know, sleeping with or having cool relationships with even though we couldn't communicate, you know, verbally. It was all nonverbal, fun, sharing pictures. So that's just an added benefit. You can use Instagram all the time.

 

Connell Barrett:

Sounds great. Yeah. That's great. I think we might need to do a whole separate episode either on your podcast or mine about the art of Instagram, how to cultivate an Instagram presence that helps you both on Instagram, but also helps your dating profile. That's really cool terrain to explore further. We don't have time to do that today, but we do have time to have you take a parting shot. Is there anything else you didn't mention today that you'd like to mention? And if nothing else, please tell the gentleman listening to this how he can learn more about you and help get help from you.

 

Robbie Kramer:

Sure. I'll try to do a quick double whammy. So Sweet. We've been talking about online dating a lot today, and I personally, as a strategy, think online dating should be kind of, like, the least thing you're investing in if you're a single guy just by the pure fact that every other guy is using online dating. And, typically, when the herd goes one way, you should go the other way. And Instagram, I mentioned, is effectively online dating, but that's the way that your path can diverge. And what Instagram allows you to do is build a social circle, and that will produce, I think, the highest amount of high quality leads for a single guy. So, again, just wanna state the importance of building a social circle, and that happens primarily through Instagram as a way to stay in touch and stay in contact.

 

Robbie Kramer:

And that's typically what I'm helping my clients to do most of the time. So if you're a digital nomad or remote worker or an expat, you know, I specialize in those guys. I've got a community of guys that are living all over the place, and we have a very tight knit way of connecting with each other and traveling around and doing these things together because dating alone sucks. Dating sucks, but you don't. I love your book in the background. Dating alone without wingmen and without guys you're going through the journey is next to impossible. That really sucks too, or that's part of the sucking. So you can find me information about that if you just go to my site, inter confidence.com, which you already plugged in.

 

Robbie Kramer:

So thanks for the opportunity to say that again.

 

Connell Barrett:

You're welcome. Thanks for naming my 2nd book. Dating Alone Sucks. Forward by Robbie Kramer. Oh, and by the way, Robbie did a great appearance on this show last year all about social circle dating and how to use different social circle strategies, which is a more of a longer game, but a really powerful and effective one. So please look up that episode on this feed if you haven't already listened to it. Robbie, thanks so much for being here. We gotta talk more about Instagram and a lot of other things.

 

Connell Barrett:

And remember, something you said earlier that I love. If you get a woman at the end of the 1st date saying, oh, he's too flirty, You're on the right track.

 

Robbie Kramer:

You're on the right track.

 

Connell Barrett:

This guy is too flirty. Damn it. He's just so romantic and charming. I hate it. Anyway, thanks, Ravi, and thank you for listening. And remember, your dream awesome amazing girlfriend, she's already out there, and she already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. We'll see you next time.

 

Connell Barrett:

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com See you next time.

 

Produced by Heartcast Media.

 

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Dating Tranformation with Connell Barrett

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm coach Connell Barrett, and I help men build confidence + connect with women by being their own authentic selves.

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NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett

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