Connell Barrett:
It's a little bit of a limiting belief that a lot of men think, oh, man. I have a kid. I have baggage. Women aren't gonna like that. Well, it's, you know, it's not hurting Nick Cannon. Welcome back to the how to get a girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am here to help you learn to flirt, get more dates, and get a great girlfriend, and do it with authenticity and integrity in class.

Connell Barrett:
No sketchy pickup artist moves needed. No toxic nonsense. Merry Christmas and happy holidays. This episode is dropping on Christmas Eve, and there's a really good chance you're listening to this during the holiday season. And the holidays are a tough time for a lot of people. Maybe they're having a tough time for you. If you're anything like I was back when I was struggling with my dating life, you get lonely at times. And it was hardest for me during the holidays.

Connell Barrett:
I remember so I'm the youngest of 6. I grew up in a big Irish Catholic family in Ohio. I'm the baby of 6 kids. I was a miracle baby. And I remember one Christmas when we were taking photos, all the 6 kids were taking photos, and there's a group photo where all 5 of my siblings were in the photo with their partner, either their boyfriend, girlfriend, or their husband and wife, and I didn't have anybody. And I remember I picked up the family dog, a fuzzy little white dog named Shamrock. And just as a half joke, I picked up Shamrock while all my siblings had their partners in this photo, and my big brother, Devin, cracked a joke. He said, hey.

Connell Barrett:
Look. Connell's got his girlfriend with him. And I laughed and everybody laughed, but I was actually feeling really lonely and sad. And I remember thinking, oh, man. Why do I have to spend Christmas with my dog and not have somebody to be with? So anyway, if you are a guy who is feeling lonely right now, this time of year, I know how it feels. I remember how it feels. I remember having some pretty lonely, hopeless times, or at least they felt hopeless at the time. And the good news is I'm here for you.

Connell Barrett:
This podcast is here for you. Think of me as your wingman, your digital audio podcast wingman. I'm here to help you make sure that if you are alone this year in 2024, let's make this the last year you are alone in terms of a romantic partner. I'm sure you're not alone in life, but I'll if you're alone in terms of relationship, in terms of not having a girlfriend, let's make this the last lonely Christmas. Okay? I'll do everything I can to help make sure that next year, you absolutely will have an incredible girlfriend to share the holidays with. So if you're having a tough Christmas, know that this will pass. If I could go from holding a dog as my Christmas date to having the world's greatest girlfriend and having a lot of dating success, and hell, I didn't just become a guy who could get a girlfriend, I became a dating coach. So if I can do this, anybody can, including you.

Connell Barrett:
Anyway, let's get to today's episode. It's another coaching session with my client, Zach. Zach's a brand new client. This is our very first official coaching call, and you're gonna love it because we're gonna go deep on all kinds of different online dating struggles that you probably have, especially a lack of matches and a lack of dates. We got 15 plus really good tips to help you get more matches, more dates, and have some really good dating success on the apps. So you can get a great girlfriend in 2025. Enjoy the episode. Alright, Zach.

Connell Barrett:
What's on your mind tonight, man? How can I help you? Alright, mister Connell.

Zach:
So I think the big thing that has been on my mind, and I've kind of been going back and forth on a little bit and struggling with, is I think part of it is what I'm looking for in reality? And I'll kind of outline that in a second. And then how do I go about trying to find that? Right? So you and I have talked about this obviously a bunch, which is that I separated from my wife about a year ago, and we will be getting divorced in the early part of this year. Thankfully, super amicable, no drama, probably one of the nicest divorces of all time. But I'm in a situation where I don't even know what I want, which is probably one of the problems too. But I wanna go out. I wanna date, but I am very limited in my time. My son spends every Saturday with me. You know, I'm with my family until about 8:15, 8:30, Sunday night through Thursday night.

Zach:
Friday night is really the only night I can get out, so I don't have a lot of time. So I think one of the things I'm struggling with is how do I, how do I and I also wanna be upfront with any woman that I'm dating. I'm not in this to play games. I'm not for multiple reasons, I just wanna be very straightforward about my situation. So, like, how do I go about finding and and I think I'm and, again, if I'm struggling to construct a good question, it's because I have multiple parts of this question. But how do I do this with such limited time? How do I find a woman who's gonna be accepting of the limited time that I have? And are there women out there who would be happy to find a guy where maybe we're talking on the phone a couple times a week, the main time we're going out is Friday, but I'm not gonna be both physically and emotionally available, at least not right now because my son is my priority. You know what I mean?

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. So you're talking about how do you find the time to date women or how do you find the time to be looking to date women, like swiping and going out to meet women? Well,

Zach:
I think the look is That I've got down. I just set aside 15 to 20 minutes. It's a minimum of 10 to 15 minutes every night. Right? I'm just like, I gotta set the habit. Gotta set the pattern. And I guess that's another question for you. Do you think that that is a good approach where you know, every night, it's almost like you guys gotta go do your workout. Like, there's 15 minutes.

Zach:
You gotta do it no matter what's going on, and you just put in the time. You make it a consistent pattern. Do you think that's a good idea?

Connell Barrett:
Absolutely. I like to think of swiping 3, 4, 5 days a week as going to the gym for a half hour, except instead of wiping off sweaty, leg extension seats and bench press posts. You're swiping on the apps, but the good news is you can do that in your pajamas.

Zach:
100%. And I can attest to it because I've done it many times.

Connell Barrett:
You're doing this interview in your pajamas, I assume.

Zach:
I am in my pajamas right now.

Connell Barrett:
It's very true. Yeah, knowing you.

Zach:
I'm not. So then the second question then is what do you do or what is the advice that you give your guys who are very pressed for time when it comes to dating? How do you date with limited time to actually date?

Connell Barrett:
Well, I would focus on quality over quantity,

Zach:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
Which means you well, you're already doing the right things. You have new and improved photos. We looked at your online dating.

Zach:
Alright. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
I know you worked with my girl, Rhianne, who takes all photos from my guys in New York City who want new and improved photos. And once you're getting some good traction on Hinge or whatever dating app you're on, in your case, it's Hinge, then the app will be doing a lot of the work for you.

Zach:
Yeah. The you

Connell Barrett:
Now, your dating profile is a piece of marketing, and it's out there 24/7. So with reasonably good profiles and photos, you'll hopefully be getting some good traction, some good matches on a regular basis, and very invested matches. So I guess my answer my answer to your question is, how do you get maximum date value with little time, is you have a pro at least with online dating, you have a profile that gets women very excited about you and makes it easier to get them out on dates with you so you don't have to spend hours and hours texting forever and ever, texting longer than a Shakespearean soliloquy. That takes forever.

Zach:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
But if women get really into you, if they're like, oh my god. This guy is Zach. Handsome, fit. He's got that Jason Statham thing going. Funny prompt, giggle, giggle. I'll match with him. And then you won't have to work as hard to get the date with her, and you could be more efficient, and that's basically how to do it online is make your profile so damn good. You get some really good leads who are excited about you, and then you date them with minimal texting and more efficiency.

Zach:
Can we die? That's fantastic. Thank you. Can we dive into that a little bit more in terms of what makes a profile attractive enough to women where they are really into you. And you know my profile, so you can dive into mine as well. And I guess the caveat with this too is I think one of the things that I'm I don't know. Maybe the word I am afraid of is because I have my son and am I even gonna be attractive to women as someone who is getting out of a relationship, has a son? I think that's kind of like insecurity and almost like a fear of mine.

Connell Barrett:
Are you gonna be attracted to women as a single dad is what you're asking? Yeah. Yeah. I dated a woman many years ago named Lauren. And I remember one Sunday afternoon, I said, hey. What are you up to today? She said, oh, me and the girls were gonna go to the park and check out the DILFs. And Lauren was my wow girl times 10 at the time. So Yeah. Absolutely.

Connell Barrett:
There are lots of women who are looking to date dilfs, frankly, or looking to date men. And if you have a kid, it might be no big deal to her. She might actually like it. My view is that being a parent is the most important job on the planet. What's more important than being a dad? And women like a guy with a great job, and you have 2. You're a trainer, and you're a dad. So, it's a little bit of a limiting belief that a lot of men think, oh, man. I have a kid.

Connell Barrett:
I have baggage. Women aren't gonna like that. Well, it's, you know, it's not hurting Nick Cannon. He's got 17 kids.

Zach:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Exactly. Yeah. His cannon needs to be put a cover on that thing. But anyway, the bottom line is, look, there's gonna be women who aren't looking to date a single dad. There's gonna be plenty of women who are, and there's gonna be women who are maybe kind of in that neutral zone. And then they see charming, fit, funny, Zach. And they're like, alright. I'll give this single data shot.

Connell Barrett:
So, yeah, we're obviously marketing toward women who are looking to date your kinda guy.

Zach:
So I think your point about limiting belief is that's the right term because I think that's something that has been on my mind a lot as I started going into this process. I think the last one of the last questions I'll ask about this, about being a father and the kid component. Then I wanna go back to your point that you're making about how you make a really, really attractive profile. But in terms of having a kid, you know, my sense has been it makes more sense to be upfront about this in my profile. Do you agree with that? Do you disagree with that? Because, again, it's very important to me both for my own time and for any woman I'm dating. I wanna be very upfront about my situation in the beginning. So would you advise, you know, making a point where it's like one of these maybe it's on, like, a on Hinge where it's one of these prompts where it says, one thing you should know about me. Like, son, he's my absolute guy.

Zach:
I love him to death, and I spend a ton of time with him. Something like that.

Connell Barrett:
I would say don't tell her you have a kid until your 3rd anniversary.

Zach:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
Kids give me time to get

Zach:
used to it. 3rd 3rd maybe 5th anniversary? Should I just like Hey. Pause it this way?

Connell Barrett:
By the time of his bar mitzvah, that's when she can learn the truth.

Zach:
Alright. I'll make it right now.

Connell Barrett:
To quote one of my old coaches back in the day, he used to say, well, you can't fix your features. Not that having a kid is something you need to fix. But the idea is, hey, if you have something that might see it as a flaw, treat it as a feature. How do we do that? Alright.

Zach:
Put it

Connell Barrett:
on your profile and do it in a way that might be a little bit fun or playful. So for example, you might come up with a prompt that says something like What is it, say it again? Anybody wanna borrow my kid? Here to find my soulmate or maybe a babysitter.

Zach:
Right. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
That's not actually that's not half bad. But basically, look, you just really the point of a profile is to show off your personality and to show a glimpse of who you are. And, obviously, being a dad is part of who you are, and there's a way to do that in a way that expresses your authentic self. You're funny. So, you know, I know we talked about this before, but you could write a funny prompt. Like, I hope you're looking for a DILF. And then we come up with a funny way to spell out DILF, you know. I'm a DILF.

Connell Barrett:
Dad who's irresistible, loving, and, you know, forever true or something like that. Yeah. So you can let women know that you're a dad, but you can do it in a way that makes her laugh. Now that that might actually make her say to herself, well, I'm not looking to date a single dad, but wow, this guy is funny and I'm open to it. But that's my long answer. My short answer is I would definitely put something on your profile because you wanna think of your profile like I'm marketing to my ideal type of woman.

Zach:
Right.

Connell Barrett:
And you wanna be able to weed out women who aren't definitely not looking to date a dad, and that's fine that there's plenty of those. And that will weed them out. It'll save it'll make it more efficient for you. You're all about being efficient with your time.

Zach:
Right? Yeah. Totally. Yeah. I think that's a really good point. I do think I need to be efficient about this for sure.

Connell Barrett:
Totally. Totally. So I absolutely believe in making your profile, gearing it toward your exact type or or somebody who fits that bill. And sure, that's gonna weed out plenty of women, but also it's going to attract the right kind of women. And you living here in New York City, you live in the largest city in America, so you're not gonna run out of options. So I would definitely lean into, mentioning that you're a father, and it was and then we just test it. We could also try one where we don't mention that on your profile, but you say it very upfront quickly if and when you start messaging with a woman. Kinda put that out there.

Connell Barrett:
There's different ways to approach it. As long as you tell the truth early, that's the important thing.

Zach:
Okay. Cool. All right, cool. So question for you, you said something I thought was really interesting for the first time ever, the only interesting one you used. Over a couple of years ago. We never

Connell Barrett:
I liked you, Zach. I never

Zach:
I liked you. Honestly, man, I'm gonna just bomb the rest of the time, and you're just gonna have to edit this whole thing. When you talk about building just an irresistible profile, Can we dive into that a little bit more? Are there certain tips or guidance that you would use to help somebody? Somebody being me in this case, obviously. Just build, like, just a rocking profile that is really attractive. And I can outline the type of woman I'm looking for if you want to help kinda answer this question, but to my target woman or to anybody's target woman. You know what I mean? Sure. Absolutely. Well, it starts with the photos.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. And you want to hit them with a 123 punch. Those first three photos: You want me to punch one of these women? I want you to physically punch them because that's what alpha males do. Yeah, baby. Red pill.

Zach:
You're a fantastic coach.

Connell Barrett:
I call it the 123 punch because essentially, here's how a woman is looking at your profile. She's gonna look at that first photo. That's gonna capture her attention as she's swiping. In that first photo, we want to have a really good portrait. Yeah. When you're well dressed, you're looking at the camera, you're smiling an authentic real smile, and that's gonna be enough to capture her attention. She's probably not gonna swipe right, though. She's gonna go to that second photo. We want the second photo, punch number 2, so to speak, to be another portrait, but one that has a different vibe than the first one.

Connell Barrett:
So if that first photo is you in a jacket and tie looking all dapper and, and styling, GQ, Zach, then the second photo might be jeans, t shirt on the beach, throwing a Frisbee, doing something out in the in in the world, but another portrait because portraits are gonna magnetize the most attention from women. And then she's probably still not gonna swipe right yet, but now you've got her attention. And we want that third photo to be something very different than the first two. Wanna break that pattern. She's seen 2 back to back portraits, but different vibes of you. In that 3rd photo, we have lots of good options. We could do what I call an awe photo, as in awe. That's so cute.

Connell Barrett:
That's adorable. Look, it's Zach at the zoo with the monkey. It's dancing. Oh, I I had a great little short video on my Bumble profile a couple years ago. It was me dancing at my niece's wedding with a little old lady who literally tried to grab my butt.

Zach:
Good to see it, man. You gotta get it when you can get it. Right?

Connell Barrett:
It's hard for me to find a butt for me. I don't have one, but she was looking. So the 3rd photo, it could be a heart tugging photo showing some heart, showing some real, yeah. I guess heart is a good word for it. And then that really draws them in. So those first three photos, if you can get her really sucked in, hooked in those first three photos, then she's gonna go down to your profile, and that's where we kinda close the right swipe deal.

Zach:
So is it fair to say that with each one of these photos, you're trying to hit a different emotional button as well?

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. I think that's a good way to put it. You're trying to throw different kinds of pasta on the wall to see what might stick. Right?

Zach:
Are there certain emotions and when I say buttons, I don't mean this in a manipulative way. So maybe there's a better way to say it. But are there, like, certain emotions that you want to try to elicit from a woman when she comes to your profile? Are there certain things that you're trying to communicate whether I don't know what those things would be, but are there? Or is that getting too in the weeds and too specific?

Connell Barrett:
No. That's not too specific at all. I keep it simple. I'm trying to make her laugh on my profile.

Zach:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
On my profile and most of my clients' profiles, I want to make her laugh and giggle, not just because women like funny guys, which of course they do. But for this reason, here's something women hate. They are so sick of dates that are boring, that are awkward, that are a waste of time. Not because she's not gonna marry you or you're not the right fit. It's just an awkward conversation or dull, and Yeah. She goes on dates where he talks about politics and taxes and the stock market for 2 hours or talks to her. So by making her laugh, not only are you giving her that sort of emotional tickle, which they love, you're also sending a message that says, Oh, okay. Well, he, you know, maybe we're not gonna fall in love, have 14 babies, but it'll be fun.

Connell Barrett:
We're gonna laugh. We're gonna have a good time, and that removes one of the biggest barriers that women throw up to matching with a guy or going on a date with a guy.

Zach:
Interesting.

Connell Barrett:
I'm a big fan of making her laugh.

Zach:
Is there a way that you do that? A certain way you try to, I mean, communicate that or do that on a profile? I'm assuming it has to just be authentic coming from you. Or Make her laugh? Yeah. There's certainly Oh, yeah. Yeah. So can we dive into that a little bit more? Because that's something I've been trying to work out with my profile. I think it's been getting better. I mean, you know me. I'm a pretty light dude.

Zach:
I try to just keep it light and fun anyway. But it's definitely different trying to communicate that through a profile versus just doing that.

Connell Barrett:
Can you read your prompts to me right now? Because it's really all about the prompts. Sure, man.

Zach:
Let's do it. These are a work in progress. So Sure. For everybody who's listening, don't judge me too hard. Let's see. So I'll show you my hinge one, or I'll read it. Oh, this is a really random side question while I'm bringing this up. How often do you boost your profile? How often do you recommend boosting your profile, and when would you do it? Because it just came up on my Hinge profile.

Zach:
I was like, oh, yeah. Maybe I should do that.

Connell Barrett:
I'm a big fan of boosting to keep the good matches coming in. Okay. Because, look, the bottom line is if you pay for a boost and you have a quality profile, you're gonna get some likes, some nibbles from at least some quality options. So some of my best matches came from a boost. I believe, if my memory serves, I met my now girlfriend, Jessamine, because my profile was being boosted at that time on the dating app I was on. It wasn't Hinge. It was The League, but I might not have a girlfriend. I might not have the girlfriend I have if it wasn't for a boost.

Connell Barrett:
So how often do you do it? I mean, it does cost money every time, obviously, so you wanna do it strategically, but do it once or twice a week on a Sunday through a Wednesday in prime time between 7 and 10.

Zach:
So is that 7 to 10 PM or AM?

Connell Barrett:
Roughly 7 to 10 PM. That's when a maximum number of women are gonna be on their phones and looking to swipe for maybe a weekend date. So think Sunday through Wednesday, 7 to 10, and during you know, so that's prime time. And the nice thing about boosting is, again, if you have a good profile that gets you the matches, that also tells the algorithm on the dating app. This guy is getting some engagement, so we're gonna show him to more attractive women. We're gonna

Zach:
put him

Connell Barrett:
out there.

Zach:
So your level of engagement with people actually impacts how your profile shows up and gets shown on Yes.

Connell Barrett:
That's

Zach:
Is that true for all for, like, Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, or is that more true for one of them?

Connell Barrett:
Well, I don't work with any of those dating apps. I have worked with 2 dating apps in the past. I've worked with Haile. I've worked with The League. And according to those insiders, they said, oh, yeah. The more engaging a profile is, every profile on every dating app, as I understand it, has an internal score. Interesting. Internal score that basically rates it on a scale of 1 to 10.

Connell Barrett:
You know, Gal Gadot, she was single on Hinge. Guess what? She's a 10. Everybody she's gonna get pushed out to the best possible men according to the app's algorithm. So, similarly, we wanna keep your profile the highest number possible. We do that with getting matches, having engagement, by responding to women, by just being active and engaged, and so that does take some pretty consistent boosting, I've found, to get maximum results.

Zach:
But

Connell Barrett:
it really depends on

Zach:
how

Connell Barrett:
many good matches you're getting. Also, I've just found that I like messaging women who like me first because I like the validation maybe. I know it's a warm lead because I want to work as hard. So it's not a cold open. So I just like to look at my matches on on any pro on any dating platform and say

Zach:
But how many matches are you getting and how many matches are some of your clients who are doing well getting or how many likes are they getting? Let's just say on, like, a day or a weekly basis.

Connell Barrett:
It's all over the map, man. It could be, I've had weeks I've had days where I've gotten dozens of matches. I've had weeks where I've gotten 100. Wow. I've had days and weeks when it got much, much lower than that, and it's part of it's an algorithmic thing. It's like a little bit of a mystery. But I've always had really consistent results. I should.

Connell Barrett:
I'm a dating coach. I've also tested the hell out of my profile and got it optimized where it's like, okay. This will always perform and always get me the kinds of matches for the kinds of women I would date if I was single. I have a girlfriend, but I'm doing it as a coach for content and for testing. But to answer your question, I don't worry that much about how many matches. I'm thinking in your case, I'd be thinking, how many matches, how many good leads will it take to get me however many dates per week I have time

Zach:
for? Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
For you, how many is that?

Zach:
I don't know. Yeah. Maybe 1 week. I'm still trying to find that out.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. Because I know how busy you are. So maybe it's 1 a week or 1 2 a month. Who knows?

Zach:
That'll take me another question to have for later, which is how do you get someone from chatting to the actual date? Right? And maybe I should ask this now and then we can go back to my profile. Because that's a big question I have. Do you wanna get into that now or should I save that and should we just go over some of the prompts that I have?

Connell Barrett:
No. Let's do it. Let's talk about going from let's go back to the prompts Yeah. So that because that is part of the story of, oh, how you get women excited to date you, and then we can talk about how to go from the texting to the date

Zach:
or to

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Cool. To each other's phone or to a date.

Zach:
Dude, I meant to say this, like, you know, and we talked about this a little bit, but I just wanna thank you again. Like, you're you're I'm I just looked it up on my bookshelf, and your book is sitting right there. And I learned so much of this stuff. Like, you and I have just started working together in a more official capacity. I learned an absolute ton from your book that has helped me so much to get a jump on this stuff. And I think too just it's helped me so much in terms of the openers I've used because, again, I'm not as cool as you. There have not been nearly as many women liking me, as you on these apps. I've had to do a lot of cold opening and it's gone way better than I think it would have if it hadn't been for what I read in your book.

Zach:
And then 2, there's been so much stuff in there that was so applicable for what I was doing, like the few times I've gone out just approaching women. So I don't know if I've had an opportunity to really just thank you again for your book, and just kind of I wanted to shout that out real quick because it's literally sitting on my bookshelf, and it was absolutely fantastic.

Connell Barrett:
That means the world to me.

Zach:
Let this be a shameless plug for anybody who's listening. Like, if you have not bought Connor's book yet, go buy it, and it will be how much does it cost now? Like, 20?

Connell Barrett:
It's now up to $12,000. 12,000. For copy. But it's really worth it.

Zach:
It's really good. Yeah. If you buy it, it really will be worth 12,000.

Connell Barrett:
Actually actually, dear listener, as you might know, anybody who listens to this podcast, if you email me at connell@datingtransformation.com and just say free book, I will email you a free copy of it. So it costs you nothing if you're listening.

Zach:
Yeah. I mean, seriously, like, for anybody who's listening, I really mean it. Just do it because it has so many of the questions that we're going over now, like, I was able to get some just some awesome first and second and even third step guidance from there. So really go do it. So I'm gonna support you, brother. Thanks.

Connell Barrett:
Means a lot to me.

Zach:
But it was all a lie. Books sucks. But

Connell Barrett:
Well, it's 3 years old at this point, and I'm like, oh my god. I've learned and and innovated so much in just 3 years since it came out. So I can't wait for the next one, which I'm working on, but we'll talk about that in another episode. So let's talk about

Zach:
your prompts. Yeah. We'll go through the prompts. So real quick, on Hinge, this is a side note. Are you required to have 6 photos up there? No. Okay. Got it. Well, the more

Connell Barrett:
the better, assuming they're good. But 6 is their maximum.

Zach:
And then one other question I have for you is how important do you think it is to get some video out there? Because I see, like, little video snippets of some of the women's profiles. Is that something that would dramatically improve the engagement of

Connell Barrett:
If it's a profile? It's good. If it's good. If it's a good video. I'm not man, I'm not trying to be,

Zach:
No. No. No. I know I know what you mean.

Connell Barrett:
I know what you mean. I have a client, I will not name him, who sent me a 3 second video from his garage. He's like, hey. What do you think of this, Connell? And he's in a garage. It's dark. He's wearing, like, a sweatshirt and a and a, like, a dark hoodie. I'm just like, dude, you look like Dexter in his kill room. Why would anyone match with you? She's gonna flag you as possibly a criminal.

Connell Barrett:
So you want

Zach:
off the app real fast.

Connell Barrett:
If you're gonna use the video option, make it something that has some emotion, some good emotion, something silly and light. My profile has a little three second clip of me. I'm playing with my friend's dog, and the dog is licking my face, and it's a video I took, and I took a one minute video of this. And I actually went on the video, and I went, what is the most adorable 5 seconds from this video? And I found this little spot where the dog is licking my face, and I'm and I'm making a ew, gross face, but also it's kinda sweet because, you know, I love dogs. And it's just one of those little interactive moments with a pet. It's an example of an awe photo or, in this case, an awe video. Right. So women are like, oh, look at Connell.

Connell Barrett:
Jacket and tie. I like it. Mhmm. 2nd one. The 2nd photo is me looking a bit more casual, but a nice leather jacket. 2 different versions of me. And the 3rd the 3rd slot on my hinge is a 5 second video of the dog moment. And I yeah.

Connell Barrett:
I want to press the button, so to speak, of making her just go, aw, he's got a heart. I like dogs too. That's adorable. And so that's in my 3rd slot. So, yeah, definitely do a video as long as it's something that could be you jumping into a pool and swimming, doing oh, I have a client who did a great cannonball video. Nice. It's really fun. Just something that says fun or party or look, I'm on a fucking boat or whatever it is.

Connell Barrett:
It could say fun, high status. Absolutely. That can work wonders.

Zach:
But not something that makes me look like a serial killer.

Connell Barrett:
No. Definitely do not. Probably

Zach:
probably should move that over.

Connell Barrett:
Right. Do not use this.

Zach:
You're noted. I wrote that part down. I will not do that. Alright. Cool. Alright. So like 10 minutes later. So here are my prompts.

Zach:
Right? So the first one and this is all on Hinge because I've been using Hinge most of the time right now. Alright. So I put this up here. So one thing you should know about me is I have a 7 year old son who is my number one person in the world and who I spend a ton of time with. And I put that up just because I wanted again, I wanted to be upfront and I just felt uncomfortable interacting with women who without them knowing because I was like, I just don't want this to even come up and be an issue later. Second prompt was I'll I'll fall for you if you're kind, thoughtful, curious, and warm, but also rip smart, love to laugh, and have a ridiculously silly side running through your bones. That's number 2. And number 3, you know my ghost story, is what if I told you I saw a ghost while visiting my godparents and their kids the summer I was 9 years old? I'm not a religious person and I'm not a proponent of the metaphysical, but I can recall every detail of the event.

Zach:
Every single one, dot dot dot.

Connell Barrett:
Nice. And that's what's already gotten you some traction. Right?

Zach:
Yeah. That's surprising that one got me a number, like yeah. It's got me some traction.

Connell Barrett:
Love it. Yeah. I'm not surprised because it's very it's a pattern interrupt. Women aren't used to seeing that. They're used to seeing, here I am trying out Hinge. Yeah. Or I'm a big fan of The Office. Only so what, so is every person on the planet.

Connell Barrett:
So you wanna break the pattern and show women some different things, give them something different, they're nice. I feel

Zach:
like my second one kinda sucks.

Connell Barrett:
I don't think so. I like the second one. I like the second one because it's talking directly to your type of woman. I really like the phrase. What was it? Ridiculously

Zach:
Yeah. If you have a ridiculous, silly side running through your bones.

Connell Barrett:
No. I actually like that one. I don't know if that one is gonna be the one to get you the one woman to like that part of your profile, but that's okay. I like it because it's talking directly to the kind of woman you want to attract, and there's something subtly like a cool little psych almost like a psychological lever you're moving there. When you tell women who you're looking for, the kind of woman you want, you're subtly letting her know I have standards. I'm looking for something specific here, as opposed to, please, why won't you match with me? Will somebody go on a date with me, please? Which can be how a lot of guys feel. I used to feel that way too. So I actually like that one.

Zach:
I like that one. Alright. Cool. I I know that I'm not trying to sound like I wanna. How do I say this without sounding like Eric or whatever, but I do want to project that there are some standards here because I think that is important, and I do have some standards Oh, yeah.

Connell Barrett:
In terms of,

Zach:
you know, listen, how do I phrase this? Like, I am not mister perfect by any means. We can have a long list of of of my flaws, but, you know, I think I have a good sense of who I am at this point, and I've spent enough time around peep they're just there there has to be a certain caliber and quality, and I think it's important that I wanna make sure I'm conveying that without coming across as a dick in my profile. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
No. I like that. I'm a big fan. I do this with my clients. I have them come up with a list. What are the 5 essentials, deal breakers, things you must have in your future soulmate, partner, girlfriend, wife?

Zach:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
As long as we want things that aren't physical. And this is something you could do on a first date, but you can also do it on your profile, which is letting women know, here's what I'm looking for. Here's the high standard I have. And when we can convey that, there's something called the buyer seller dynamic, which is we don't wanna come off like we're selling ourselves to women. We wanna come off like we are looking to buy, quote unquote, but we're not gonna buy the first TV we see in the store. We're gonna look around for the right TV with the right HD components and sound and, you know, size and whatnot. So I like the idea of a prompt that says, hey, if you are x and y and z, we might get along.

Zach:
Not we should get married, and you should meet my

Connell Barrett:
parents right away because that conveys over eagerness. I remember one time I had a really good time. I'm always surprised about what not always, but often surprised about what can work and resonate. I remember I had a ton of matches once. I wrote a prompt. This is on my bio actually, but a lot of women mentioned it. It was, I love to read. I'm big into literature, and I like smart women and smart literate women. Bonus points if you can spell definitely.

Connell Barrett:
One of my pet peeves is people who misspell common words. And I had so many women write to me, oh, hey. I can definitely spell definitely. There's something about that. I just said, oh, finally, a guy who's talking to me, a smart, nerdy woman who can spell, and, that just resonated. So I'm not saying you should get rid of that one. I like the idea. Remember remember, your online dating profile is a piece of marketing, and one of the ways we make marketing effective is talking to your audience.

Connell Barrett:
And there's nothing wrong with saying, here's my audience. This is you.

Zach:
So can I ask you a more specific question? Because you know me. Right? And Unfortunately. I know. Very unfortunate. It's been a long 6 months, man. I'm grateful that you just don't show up.

Connell Barrett:
6 months. I thought it was 6 years.

Zach:
Jesus. Has it been I don't whatever it's been. Every day, we have a special

Connell Barrett:
It feels like 16 years.

Zach:
Don't show up, please. Just please drop a weight on your face. That'd be awesome. So I think part of this is how I asked my question. You freaking distracted me.

Connell Barrett:
I do that.

Zach:
Yeah. How do I phrase this? Do you have suggestions on a prompt that I could write that is more specific? Because I think the women that I I really do want to go out with a woman who is genuinely really smart, really well put together, confident, like, self assured, independent, but also I'm not I do wanna go out with somebody who is also warm, empathetic, kind, and I and I want them to understand that that's what they're getting from me as well. Right? This is not the 20 year old version of me who is a flaming dumbass. This is a 40 year old, mature, wise, experienced person who has, you know, really focused on how do I become a better guy? How do I become a better friend? How do I become a better partner to whoever I'm with? How do I show up every single day the right way? And how do I take the serious stuff seriously, but also how do I not sweat the small stuff and just have a fucking awesome time with all of the stuff that's not serious? And I wanna make sure that I'm who I'm. I'm conveying that to women who are looking at my profile, which is what I'm looking for, kind of what my expectation is. So is there some, like, specific language you would use? Are there other ways that you could do it? Like, what do you think?

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. So I'm gonna pretend that you are chatting. Okay? Gbt. Hey, Zach. Hey, Zach g p t. Say that all again in 30 seconds or less. Oh,

Zach:
fuck. This is so hard.

Connell Barrett:
What are you looking for? Say say 3

Zach:
things you're looking for. I'm looking for a smart, confident, independent woman who is also warm, kind, and just just, I guess, like ridiculous. It has a fantastic sense of humor. Super silly. Just a goofball. Bit of a whack job in the right ways. That's what I'm

Connell Barrett:
So here's what you just described, I think. You also just described yourself, didn't you?

Zach:
I hope so.

Connell Barrett:
Hell, yeah. So that's a beautiful prompt, basically. I'm looking for smart, intelligent, driven, but also silly and goofy, and you've really evolved as a person. Because that's what I am or that's who I am. Nice. Something like that. Something very sincere.

Zach:
It doesn't come across as arrogant or kind of being an asshole?

Connell Barrett:
No. Not at all. It comes across as having standards, and it comes across as saying, I'm looking for somebody who is gonna be like me, which is which is to say Like people

Zach:
Are you going to be a narcissist? Like

Connell Barrett:
No, I don't think so. Look, narcissistic or, trying too hard to impress would come off like, I'm doing really well financially. I'm trying to find somebody who, you know, wants to go on my boat with me down in the Caribbean for the holidays. You know? That would be awful and gross and, and, super transparent. But no way. Having high standards

Zach:
because that is actually like, all all being serious again, that's actually good to know because I don't wanna come across as arrogant or narcissistic. Again, I hope I am not, genuinely, or else we have a bigger problem. No. But okay. So that's not how that comes across.

Connell Barrett:
Zach, you have a lot of problems. Arrogance is not one of them. Let me give you an alphabetical list of your problems. A, you're an asshole. B, you're boring. Yeah. There's nothing arrogant about you. If anything, I want your profile to make sure it has a little bit of edge, a little bit of cheekiness.

Connell Barrett:
Eric, there's nothing arrogant about you, but you're confident in yourself, which I love about you. I'm the same way. We want some edge. Yeah. We want a little bit of edge, a little bit of snark perhaps, and that's a way to show women you believe in yourself. But describing those things that you're looking for because you are those things, it's just being honest.

Zach:
Okay. And it's

Connell Barrett:
Also Cool. Cool. Letting women say, oh my god. I see those things too. We're the same. Okay. One of the things we want her to feel is, oh, wow. I feel I'm the same as this guy, I think.

Connell Barrett:
We feel the same way about things. That's exactly what we want.

Zach:
That's cool because that is something I want them to feel when they show up, which is like, oh, this is I have this thing and this guy and I have these things in common. This is someone who Mhmm. Like, when somebody shows up on my profile, when a woman shows up on my profile, I want them to think, this guy is my peer, and I am his peer. Does that make sense?

Connell Barrett:
Totally.

Zach:
Yeah. Yeah. Or you And I want them to think too that this is a guy who takes care of his business. This is a guy who is serious again about the serious things but doesn't take the not serious stuff seriously. But I do want there to be an undercurrent of, like, this guy has his shit together. This guy knows what he's doing and gets after it.

Connell Barrett:
You know? I love it. So the only thing I haven't heard yet from what you described, unless there's another prompt that conveys this, is something that's gonna make a woman laugh. Yeah. And maybe we can do that with the maybe we can tweak the I'm a dad prompt. Go with something like That's what I was thinking. The DILF joke. So the the backstory there is I I've I've had some good success with those little fun little fun little, twists where, like, I had a really good good success with a prompt on Hinge that said, I'm just looking for a woman who is DTF down to form a long lasting loving relationship with great communication. And so I got a lot of LOLs on that and That's awesome.

Connell Barrett:
It actually conveys that but with a little cheekiness. So I don't know if you wanna steal that. You'd be like, hey. I hope you I'm I'm the I'm the dillth you've been looking for. Dad is immune to or whatever. Dad irresistible love whatever. So you could do that. And then you could even have a little PS on that prompt and say something like, all jokes aside, you know, I am a I am a dad, proud dad.

Connell Barrett:
That's, you know, just putting that out there, something like that.

Zach:
Proud dad. That's a good way to put it too. So I'm gonna steal your dill thing. I'm gonna figure that out because I like that a lot. And I like proud fathers too. I think that conveys, again, who I am as a father. I'm a damn proud father. Nice.

Zach:
So I'll put that out there for sure.

Connell Barrett:
Hell, yeah.

Zach:
You should be. Yeah. It's just really interesting talking all of this through, and you kind of, like at least for me, I kind of figure out a lot of things as I talk it out. And, as I mentioned, I don't think I've had the opportunity to talk this stuff out too much yet. I mean, you and I have just started working in a more efficient capacity this way. This is really helpful, man. Thank you.

Connell Barrett:
You're welcome. You're welcome. Alright. Getting women out on dates from text from matching to texting to dates.

Zach:
Yes. I would love to go into that. How long do you recommend going back and forth with women? Is it a number of texts? Is it the amount of time? Or is it just kind of getting the feel from the texts the text exchange?

Connell Barrett:
Great question. It depends. Every situation is different, but let's assume you want to get her out on the date as quickly as reasonably possible because you are a busy guy to your point. You're not looking to text forever. I actually love bantering and texting back and forth if I have time, but not everybody does, and not everybody's like me.

Zach:
So I would For the record, I actually enjoyed it too, and it's and this takes me to another question, sorry to interrupt you, which is how do I phrase this? But I'm kind of chatting with about 4 different women on Hinge right now. And some of them, I'm like, this is just flat. It's like I've given you some stuff to see if you're gonna take it and if we can have a little fun with this. And it's just like I'm throwing these girls softballs, and they're just responding in the most robotic, like, boring ass way. Like, how often would that be if my feel is I'm like, alright. This chick seems bland or not quick on her feet or just, is it cool to just kinda just move on, you know, for the actual way? Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
What I want for you is to have an abundance of great options so that when a woman who might look like your type, if she doesn't have the personality, that effervescence, that fun, you can say, alright. Next, So that you don't have to feel like you're gonna have to settle for somebody or settle just for, well, she's really pretty, so I guess I'll go on a date with her. I have no problem with you doing that, but I want you to make sure that you eventually, when you settle down with the next one, who she is. Or even when you just go on your next date, you're excited to banter and have that fun back and forth. Yeah.

Zach:
Yeah. That's cool. Because I think, for me, if I'm being honest, it doesn't matter how attractive a woman is physically. If I'm not intellectually stimulated and like, if I'm not having a good time with this person, it's not gonna matter. You know what I mean? Okay. It's just like, let me just get fucked out of here.

Connell Barrett:
That's good to know.

Zach:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
That's the kind and that's another thing you could put on your profile as a prompt. I wouldn't, I would only put one screening prompt on. But Yeah. Yeah. Here's a good way to think about the prompts. We want one prompt that says what you're looking for, which you have.

Zach:
Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:
We want a prompt that makes her smile and laugh, which I think the DILF one will do, while also conveying the fact that you have a son. And then we want another prompt that well, you don't have this one. It's okay. We want you to do this with the poll prompt, but we want one prompt that paints a picture of what a really fun, enticing date would be with some specificity. That's how we put bait on the hook because, again, we're just marketing to get your kind of woman out on a date with you. So this Can you

Zach:
explain that a little bit more? Yeah. Can we go into a little more? So with the poll question. So there my poll is the lamest, wackest poll question ever. I just need it. I'm so embarrassed to put this on a podcast. Can I be honest with you? I actually think I put this poll question together while I was taking the dump. And pick the best one. Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, or white chocolate? Yeah, I was actually taking a shit when I put this together because I remember thinking to myself, like, I shouldn't be talking about chocolate right now.

Zach:
But that's my poll question. Can you help me, please? This is terrible.

Connell Barrett:
All good. So let's talk about that poll, why it's so bad. Say it again just so everybody hears it.

Zach:
Oh, man. This is gonna be this is gonna be on the Internet forever. Like, literally, someone in the year 10,000 would be like, yo, that guy's Zach. His poll question sucked. What is your best one? Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, or white chocolate?

Connell Barrett:
Alright. I mean, that's not terrible. I think you're being a little tough on yourself. However, it's not really that different

Zach:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Then what women are used to seeing. We wanna break those patterns so that we're giving them Yeah. Reward. I like to think of every single part of your profile should give her something, which gives you Can

Zach:
you explain a little more what a pattern break is? I know the concept. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Can you

Zach:
dive into that a little bit more?

Connell Barrett:
Just something that women aren't used to seeing. So breaking the pattern, but in a positive way. So women are used to here's a pattern break. Women are used to a prompt that says, oh, I work out really hard. I'm training for a marathon.

Zach:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
My prompt says, oh, yeah. I'm training for a marathon, a Netflix marathon. So I'm breaking the pattern. I'm making her think I'm doing one thing, but then here's the joke. Or here's the pattern interrupt for a poll prompt. My favorite kind of poll prompt to do, I'll just read you what I have right now in mind. Choose our first date. Option a, see a comedy show.

Connell Barrett:
Option b, find the best hot chocolate in NYC. Option c, meet my parents. What? Too soon?

Zach:
It's kind

Connell Barrett:
of a cheesy little joke. I'm not saying it's comedy gold, but it's a funny little third you know, there's something in comedy called the rule of threes. You'll see, 2 normal things in a list in a in a comedic list, and then the third thing is the switcheroo, the surprising one, and that's what gets the laugh. Once you start noticing this, it'll drive you crazy watching TV, but You gotcha.

Zach:
Would it be too dark if for the parents part, I put a parenthesis, but my parents are dead? Or is that

Connell Barrett:
That's a little dark. It's a little dark.

Zach:
Well, parents are not dead. I know.

Connell Barrett:
I I hope. I hope so.

Zach:
Glad to hear that. They're getting close. Okay. I will do it.

Connell Barrett:
One of my best performing poll prompts, I can't do it anymore because it's not really trending. But last year or so, roughly a year ago, Kanye West was just acting out, doing all this stuff in the media. He was meeting with, like, white supremacists and doing all this Nazi stuff. And, so for my poll prompt, it was to choose our first date. Go to a comedy show, you know, go out for cheesecake, taser Kanye. And so many women laughed at that. That gives them something. Right? Give her a laugh.

Connell Barrett:
Give her a smile. But the nice thing about the poll prompt is you can get matches with that third one, the funny one. But also the first two, if they're good, you also get matches on the first two because some women just do wanna go to a comedy show or wanna have a dessert only date or the best cheesecake in New York City. So, anyway, I would, so let's re let's rewrite your prompt.

Zach:
Yes. Let's, please. What

Connell Barrett:
how about we come up with 2 genuine, but specific first dates that you would potentially do or at least that would be enticing? What might those be besides, you know, grabbing drinks?

Zach:
Yeah. Well, a comedy show for sure. Okay. Music. I'll just put the main ones that come to mind are comedy shows, music, like a walk in the park. Okay. Anything dessert related. You know, I don't. I don't drink a lot, so I'm not a huge fan of going out for drinks, but I'll but I would do it.

Zach:
Anything chocolate related, 100% in. Okay. I think those are probably more than normal ones. Okay. Got it.

Connell Barrett:
Great. Let's go with oh, chocolate's good. What's a chocolate dip? Like a chocolate based activity? Hot chocolate. Well, but here we are. It's a holiday. Maybe like hot chocolate. Yeah.

Zach:
So I figured it's gonna be a Friday night. Go find the best, hot chocolate in town or the best milk chocolate in town or

Connell Barrett:
That's great. Yeah. So that can be one of them. For our first date, choose our first date. A or the first option.

Zach:
Okay. Hold on. I see it. I'm done. Literally just putting this in right now. Okay. Option 1.

Connell Barrett:
Get hot chocolate. Get hot cocoa. Something like that. So that could be the first one. K. Gotcha. And what's a second enticing data idea that's very legit, very real, but not just drinks?

Zach:
So part of my question for you here is, like, is it and this kind of kind of segues through a different question as well. But, like, for a good first date option, do you wanna do something like going to a comedy club or going to see some music? Because in that sense, you're not really interacting with the person as much as you are focused on something else. Right?

Connell Barrett:
Well, this is not really about deciding what the 2 of you are gonna do. This is about getting her to hit hard and to like you. Got it. So I agree with that. We don't necessarily wanna go to a movie or go to a comedy show, but we could get into that. It's a separate topic. We just wanna find 2 fun different things that might make a woman go, oh, that sounds cool. That's different.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. See, like, see an improv show, go to the theater, everything. It doesn't have to be yeah. So that could be number 2. See some jazz.

Zach:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. And then for the third one, here's where your sense of humor can come out, because, you know, you know you know my whole thing is authenticity. Let's get your absurd third one. What ideas would be the most extremely absurd, first date idea that would just be a complete and total curve ball? Number 1, go get hot chocolate. Number 2, go see a comedy show or go go

Zach:
to the theater. Yeah. We'll say for number 2, we'll say go take a walk in the park because that'll be different from what I would say for number 3. Okay. For number 3 would be, go mosh pit at some Christian death metal.

Connell Barrett:
I love that. Okay. That's so out there. I never would've come up with that. That's you. That's great. Alright. Cool.

Connell Barrett:
Mosh pit. Would you is there is there

Zach:
Oh, mosh pitting.

Connell Barrett:
Is there mosh pitting in a in Christian is there Christian death metal? Is that a thing? Yeah.

Zach:
Chris I I think I'm one of the few people who has, like, kinda gone on a Christian metal deep dive. Christian metal Christian death metal is a real thing. It is insane, and it is, it is a lot bigger and more popular than I think anybody realizes.

Connell Barrett:
I love it. Alright. Note to self. Go try Christian death metal mosh pitting soon. I like that. That's a pattern interrupt, whether they're not used to seeing a Christian death metal mosh pit. Maybe maybe put a little, you know, rock on emoji, like the finger, like rock on.

Zach:
Yeah. Or

Connell Barrett:
or I don't know what emoji would go with the,

Zach:
Yeah. Rock it reads it's the rock on one. It's the double fingers. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
So that's a good template to follow. 2 totally normal, understandable, enticing dates, and the third one is just so absurd. I think when I had another one I had good luck with instead of drinks, let's get tacos, get sushi, get matching tramp stamps, the little butterfly emoji. Another one I did was this one. This one had some interesting answers. For our first date, let's try, try cooking or, like, try yoga. Try dance, try dance class, try Ketamine. And I thought that was absurd and crazy. A couple of women thought I was serious and shit and they're like, yeah, I'm down for Ketamine.

Zach:
I was about to say, that is not nearly out there enough for New York. I'm not surprised that there are a bunch of takers.

Connell Barrett:
So you can play around with what works. But essentially, what we're doing here This

Zach:
is so much better already. I appreciate you. This is good. Cool. This is much better. Cool. Okay. Cool.

Connell Barrett:
Alright. We got 5 minutes left. I'll let go a little bit because I aim to overcome Gotcha. Over-serve. Is there anything else that I can help you with? I think one of the

Zach:
big ones that's been on my mind is oh my god. I guess I kinda have, like, a date without drinking too much alcohol. I'm not a big drinker. I have the tolerance of a 90 year old woman. And I'm up really early all the time. Do you have any easy tips without deep diving on this because I know we're gonna be out of time soon for how to date? I'm totally down to have a drink, maybe 2, but this is not something I wanna make a regular part of my life. You know? Right.

Connell Barrett:
What's your

Zach:
question? How do I do this?

Connell Barrett:
Just stick with Ketamine. Okay. Cool. Just Special k, baby. Special k all day. That's all it takes.

Zach:
I have a surprising number of people I can hit up for some Ketamine.

Connell Barrett:
Well, so what's the problem you're thinking about you're gonna face? Is it just drinking when you don't want to, or is the problem you're thinking about like, oh, what if what if I tell her I don't wanna drink? Am I gonna lose dates? What are we talking about here?

Zach:
Well, there might be a little bit of both. Right? So, yeah, I am concerned that if I go out, there's gonna be pressure to drink if I don't want to. And so I guess, like, let's say I'm in a situation where I really don't wanna drink. Like, if I have to be up early the next day, should I just be straight up and just be like, I gotta get up. Like, I'm just gonna have a seltzer. Or is that gonna be lame? Is that gonna impact the vibe?

Connell Barrett:
I would let her know in advance. It's possible that some women I think are a minority, but some women might feel a little bit uncomfortable if they're the one drinking and you're not drinking at all.

Zach:
Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Connell Barrett:
So if you wanna totally not drink at all on a date, then you're putting together a first date at a bar, then just give her a heads up, and you can do it this way. You can say, hey, just so you know, looking forward to having drinks with you tonight. Just so you know, I'm not drinking alcohol today, but don't worry.

Zach:
Okay.

Connell Barrett:
I'll catch a buzz off you. Are you cool with that? Yes. You would say? You would basically say, is that cool with you? So giving her a really helpful heads up. If she's not looking to have drinks, and some women don't care, some women do, then she might say, oh, well, let's do something different, where now you've gotten it out of the way. And if she's cool with that, then go out go out and have your you you can be like me. I'm sober approaching 700 days now.

Zach:
And Yeah. That's awesome. I forgot that it had been that long. That's amazing.

Connell Barrett:
Thank you. But if I was going on dates, I would basically say, no sweat though. I'll have ginger beer. The ginger man will have a ginger beer. I'll catch a buzz off you, I hope. A little flirty comment there to make her feel good. And so that's one option. The other option is I wouldn't wanna wait until we got to the bar and then tell her I'm not drinking because that might make her uncomfortable.

Connell Barrett:
I don't wanna do that.

Zach:
Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Alright. Cool. That's really helpful. Alright. I think that was it, man.

Zach:
Can I

Connell Barrett:
just say one more thing that I think it's important for me to tell a guy like you who is back in the dating game or about to be back in the dating game

Zach:
Yeah?

Connell Barrett:
After more than 10 years of marriage, right, or 10 years of, yeah, marriage?

Zach:
I will be 40, December 18th. So that's, like, 2 weeks 2 or 3 weeks from now. The last date I went on who wasn't my ex, I was 24 or 23. So if my math serves me correctly, that's 16 or 17 years. Tam.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Tam. Yeah.

Zach:
I don't even know if I can spell date at this point.

Connell Barrett:
Anyway, well, I wanted to let you know that what I love about you is that one of the many things I love about you is that you're a nice guy, and I mean that I do. Without any pejorative vibes. It's not like you're a nice guy, but one of my biggest pet peeves is men who think, oh, well, I don't wanna be some nice guy because women don't like nice guys. That is absolute bullshit. Women love a nice guy. Women love kind men. They love kind men. I'm the nicest guy in the world.

Connell Barrett:
I think one of them. I literally help little old ladies cross the street. Whether they want to or not, I just force myself on them. No. But no. I I I helped my girlfriend and I just volunteered with people on Thanksgiving. I'm not saying that to brag at all. That's the one day of the year I'm not a narcissistic jerk.

Zach:
But, but I'm

Connell Barrett:
a nice guy from Ohio. But the reason I got so good with women and dating is because I was able to combine that niceness, kindness with some edge, some humor, a little swagger, but, also, I'm just a big sweetheart. So I want you to know, not that you're worried about this, but I want you to know as you get back into the dating game for the first time in double digit years, is, you can be a nice guy. You are a nice guy, and don't be afraid to let that side come out. But, also, fuck with the girl. Bust her balls a little bit. Yeah. Fuck with her this way you've been doing with me on this on this part.

Connell Barrett:
Be playful. Let that let that real self come out because, women want, women want a nice guy. One of the most beautiful women I ever met. I didn't date her, but we had a really deep long conversation one night. She's a former model. Like, she was on the cover of Maxim. And she said, and I quote, women love I don't think so. She said, and I quote, we love nice guys.

Connell Barrett:
Women love nice guys as long as he has a backbone. Yeah. As long as he's got a little bit of edge and a backbone, but we hate narcissistic jerks. We hate them. And so she's trying to say basically don't be some weird red pill toxic weirdo. Be nice. Just make sure you have that confidence, that core confidence, which I know you do, but Yeah. Take it from mister Nice guy.

Zach:
That's something that's kinda good, thank you. And, you know, again, I I I think that goes without saying I haven't gotten to know you. You are genuinely a good dude, like, genuinely. I think it's one of the reasons why I trust you, one of the reasons why we're friends. But the point you're making, too, it has been on my mind, which is there does seem to be, I don't know, almost like this resurgence of more like old school bro ism. And there was a part of me that was like, I wonder. I don't I genuinely don't have a feel for what women think about that right now. Like, my instincts tell me that that stuff has always been a turnoff and has always been bullshit and has always been just as repulsive to them as it is to me and to many people I know who are just straight up.

Zach:
But, again, I haven't been in the dating world, and I've gone out 3 or 4 times over the last, like, 3 or 4 months and ended up at a couple places where I was like, this is interesting. This does not seem to be my scene, but, you know, there are certain pretty attractive women here who seem to be attracted to that vibe. Maybe I was misreading it. So I don't know. I guess it's good to hear that that is not the case or not with enough women, that it will be fine. I don't have to go out there and do any of that shit.

Connell Barrett:
Well, you're a personal trainer, obviously. You know the power of having muscle and being really strong. And I like to think of the ideal combination of what women are drawn to is a man who has that nice balance of muscle and heart. He's strong. He knows who he is. He wants to have a great date with her. He wants to approach her. He wants to make a move because, hey, dating is a dance, and our job as men is to lead that dance.

Connell Barrett:
So, we can show that muscle, so called muscle, by being leaders, by being really raw and real and genuine. However, we can also show heart by being kind, by being a gentleman, by being a sweetheart, and women love that kind of combination of muscle and heart. There's an anecdote in my book you might remember. I was sitting on a park bench with a woman on our 2nd or third date many, many, many years ago, and we were drinking smoothies. And she was, we were talking about dating, and we were talking about each other. And she said, I don't know. What do you think? Should I date you or should I run away? You know, she was like a fun little teasing comment. And I said, I was trying to be clever.

Connell Barrett:
You know the phrase, a wolf in sheep's clothing?

Zach:
Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
I just switched it. I said, you don't have to worry about me. I'm a sheep in wolf's clothing. I act tough on the outside, but inside I'm really clever. I was just trying to be clever. I didn't even have any deeper truth to that. And she just kinda swooned, and she said, oh my god. That's what we want.

Connell Barrett:
You don't know how much I'm glad you said that. I was just trying to wait. No.

Zach:
No. I do remember that from your profile. Yeah. And do you like, I can steal that line from you? Yeah. That's it.

Connell Barrett:
That's what I'm trying to do.

Zach:
Honest. I know it was honest, but it was a really good one.

Connell Barrett:
That's not bad, actually. I'm gonna test that out. I've never put that on a profile. I'll see how that does on one hand.

Zach:
Okay. Just keep on putting that on a profile.

Connell Barrett:
But the idea is, you know, I'll approach a woman. I'll have some swagger. I'll have some edge. I'll be, hey, what's up? You look like, you look like you're trouble. Little cheeky little smile, little swagger. I got my ginger beer going. I'm feeling good. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
But bottom but that's that's, that's kind of a wolf exterior. Inside, I'm a cuddly softie, and I'm also gonna let that come through. I'm not gonna lead with

Zach:
that probably. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
But Yeah. I'll let her see that as we get to know each other. So I thought that was a pretty telling moment, and that was great feedback from her.

Zach:
Alright. That's cool. That's cool. Do you have any other, like, quick advice for a guy who's about to go on his first date in 17 years? Absolutely.

Connell Barrett:
What did you get? As soon as you and she walk in that venue and start talking, I want you to say to yourself, this is a victory for me. This is a win Yeah. Because I'm back in the game, baby. So think of that first date back to Nice. As batting practice. You're in Saint Petersburg, Florida spring training, and it's just practice. Now it hasn't been 17 years for me, but I remember my first date in real life post pandemic. It was about 14 months of choosing to be isolated because I was writing the book and chose to be completely alone to not get COVID.

Connell Barrett:
And my first date back, I was, I was like, oh, my God, have I lost my touch? Do I know how to flirt anymore? I'm Mr. Dating Coach with a book coming out. I was really in my head and nervous about it, and I just said, woah, woah, settle down. It's your first date back after a year. You're not gonna be in the zone. And, I was actually way better than I thought I was gonna be. She didn't look like her photos, so was that wasn't that a jack

Zach:
But, that's actually really awesome advice. I really appreciate that because I think I haven't even thought about it too much, but it's also really good to know. It's like, it's gotta get your reps in, Zach. You gotta get out there, and you will get better if you just stick with it and just keep going. You know?

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. The first two, three dates, like, put absolutely no pressure on yourself to get any kind of outcome. Let it come to you. Let it arise and remind yourself, hey, it's been 17 years. But remember, you're not you're just you're just going on a date. You're just talking to a woman, and you're getting to know her. You're not, you're not hitting a flop shot at Augusta National. You're not skiing.

Connell Barrett:
It's not like you need amazing technique. You're a great talker. You're funny. You're successful. You're hardworking. You're all these great things that make you Zach, the great, you know, the I don't know what we need to come up with that higher self name for you, but, you know, Zach, Zach to the future. Moving toward an amazing dating life. But, anyway, yeah, for I would say first three dates, spring training, no pressure.

Connell Barrett:
I'm not saying something great won't happen, but I'm saying absolutely no pressure at all.

Zach:
Yeah. Alright. That's awesome. That's really helpful. Thank you.

Connell Barrett:
You got it, man. Alright. Well, let's wrap it up here, and, I'll see you at the gym on Thursday.

Zach:
Alright. Thanks, coach.

Connell Barrett:
Alright. Alright. Hey, by the way, if you are listening at home, if you, like Zach, are looking for some coaching, you can do a free consultation with yours truly. All you gotta do is go to dating transformation.com, click the book a call button, and you and I can get on the phone to talk about whether or not dating coaching might be right for you. Anyway, again, that's dating transformation.com. Thank you so much for listening, and don't forget your dream girlfriend. She's out there, and she's already into you, or she will be, but she's gonna have to meet the real authentic you. So go out there, take authentic courageous action.

Connell Barrett:
Carpe datum. Seize the date. See you next

Zach:
time.