Connell Barrett:

Alright. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, the dating coach, Connell Barrett, here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend. Find a great partner and do it with authenticity. No sketchy, weird, toxic pickup moves. And today's special episode. I love when we get to do coaching episodes because I'm gonna guess that you're struggling or have struggled with some common issues. You've probably struggled with flirting.

Connell Barrett:

Or maybe you've wanted to approach women you see out in the world, coffee shops, the gym, maybe a bar, but you'd never do it or it's really hard for you to do it or maybe you just have never dated the kind of quality girl that you want. And you just want a great girlfriend. You want a great partner. And if those problems sound like things that you want to work on and fix, then this episode is gonna be really eye opening for you because we're about to go behind the curtain and you're gonna listen in on a totally genuine in the moment, coaching call that I had with my client, my brand new client, Ryan. Ryan's a brand new client. He's in his late twenties. He lives in New York City, and he came to me with some of these problems that I just mentioned: anxiety, struggling with flirting, and a couple other issues that we get into. So you're gonna get a lot of fixes on this episode for these problems because the things that Ryan is working on and is on his way to improving are things that you are going to resonate with as well, I'm sure.

Connell Barrett:

So here we go. You're gonna listen in on a coaching call with my man, Ryan, and myself. And we're gonna take it away right now.

Ryan:

Okay. Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. That's the end of the intro. And now we'll just begin almost like we've just hopped on the phone. And, We did a couple minutes of small talk and chit chat, so let's get right to it. Alright, Ryan. Let's, let's talk about what are some of the things that are some of the problems you're having in your dating life right now? How can I help you, man?

Ryan:

One of the problems I'm having in my dating life is I'm not getting any deets at all.

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

Ryan:

It's hard for me to approach a girl that I think is pretty. What else? I I I can't think of things to say or how to say them. Or if I do approach, I approach in a way that it's really, I seem very scared, I

Connell Barrett:

would say.

Ryan:

Yeah. Very scared, like, very, like, hiding, like, myself. Like it's like I have no confidence at all.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Super Okay. Soup oh, go ahead. Finish your thought, man.

Ryan:

Sometimes I do have a little confidence and I go and I go for it, but then, like, and get rejected. So that's why I am, that's why I think that helped with being scared to approach.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Do me a favor. Tell me a little bit more about you and your dating history since this is the 1st time we're talking in-depth about your dating life. How many in the past, how long ago was your last relationship? When did that end?

Ryan:

About 2 years ago, I had a girlfriend. 6, I was with her for 6 years.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So it's been 2 years since your last relationship ended?

Ryan:

Yes. Got it.

Connell Barrett:

Next question. In the last year, how many first dates have you had in real life?

Ryan:

I would say in the last year, maybe, like, 5 or 5 or 6? 5 It's 5. 5. Okay. 5.

Connell Barrett:

Got it. And of those 5, how many of those women would you categorize as quality attractive women who you were interested in?

Ryan:

I would say

Connell Barrett:

2. Okay. And of the 2 first dates you had with women you were attracted to in the last 12 months, how many of those 2 were clearly into you, and wanted to keep dating you. 012?

Ryan:

Oh, that I don't know. I don't know if these girls like me. Like, one of them was really nice when she went back to Germany because he was from Germany.

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

Ryan:

And she actually had a boyfriend. So, but you didn't tell me, but someone else did. Okay.

Connell Barrett:

A German with a secret boyfriend.

Ryan:

Yeah. Fair enough. And then the other one, I'm still sort of, like, in touch with her, but it's not like we ever did anything. So and then she Did you have 2nd dates

Connell Barrett:

with either of these women? No. Okay. Just wondering. A good way to get clear on your current dating situation, which doesn't necessarily feel good but is really important, is just to look at raw data and say, alright. 5 or 6 1st dates in the last year, but only 2 of them I was actually into. And I did not have you on 2nd dates with any of those. So it's just good because it's kinda like the 1st day of a guy's physical fitness transformation. You wanna lose 30 pounds, gain muscle.

Connell Barrett:

1st, you gotta take your clothes off, stand in front of the mirror, and look and see where your gut is. No I'm not talking about you, bro. I'm talking about myself, actually. You gotta look and see where the love handles are, where the weight is to be lost because It's good to get a little bit disturbed by your dating situation. So you can say no more. I don't wanna have a lack of dates. I don't wanna be stuck. I wanna fix this.

Connell Barrett:

So thank you for the honesty, bro, and for just kinda getting real with where you are. I was in the same place when I was roughly your age. In my case, no dates, almost no dates at all in my twenties. One girlfriend who I wasn't really that into, so I've been there. Okay. Yeah.

Ryan:

I read it in your book.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. I will talk about that. Yeah. Yeah. The 1 woman I was into, I married her, and then, she dumped me after

Ryan:

Months later? Sorry.

Connell Barrett:

9 9 weeks later. 9 weeks later.

Ryan:

Wow. I'm so sorry. That sucks.

Connell Barrett:

That's alright. It was actually something that happened for me rather than for me, so I felt like a victim at the time. But the nice thing about a bad thing happening is you can transform that into positive action, which is what we're gonna do before this call's over is making sure you got a good action plan. Okay. So we kind of know where you are in terms of recent dating external results. Let's talk about what's happening inside of you. Let me ask you this question. There are 4 or 5 common stories that men tell themselves that hurt their confidence.

Connell Barrett:

This is like Kryptonite for self confidence. So what I'm gonna do is read you not read you say to you, 4 or 5 of these common pieces of confidence kryptonite. And if you would, tell me which of these resonate with you. Okay? Okay. And I'll go through all 4 or 5 and then listen to all I think I'll do 4. Listen to all 4. And then afterwards, tell me how many of these 4 resonate with you. The reason we're doing this is because what to say, how to say it, the flirting moves are all great, But if it's not built on a really confident edifice, then, it's not gonna work very well or for very long.

Connell Barrett:

So it's good to understand where your confidence weak spots are, so that we can change them. Okay? Alright. Here we go. Number 1 piece of dating, So let's call it confidence kryptonite is feeling that you are just not tall enough for the kinds of attractive women you'd like to date. It's number 1. Number 2, feeling like you're not good looking enough. Something looks related is not enough for girls. That's number 2.

Connell Barrett:

Number 3 is feeling like you don't have enough money or status or success in life. Number 4 is feeling like you just don't know what to say or how to say it, how to flirt. It's number 4. I'm gonna give you a 5th. The 5th one is feeling like you just lack the charisma or you're just not you. You lack the cool slash charisma factor that women want in men. So out of those 5 pieces of confidence kryptonite, how many of those resonate with you?

Ryan:

Can you take all 5?

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Absolutely. I've heard that before.

Ryan:

5. Yeah. I'll take 0 5.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Fair enough. And which of those would you say is the biggest piece of kryptonite that gets you in your head?

Ryan:

I think number 3, not having not been successful enough or having enough money.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Again, thank you so much, bro, for just being really honest about where you are with your confidence. There are very few things that are universally attractive to all women. It's a bullshit myth that all women want good looking guys. Some do. Some don't give a shit. It's a myth that women want tall guys. Some do.

Connell Barrett:

Some don't give a damn. There's a lot of women who are wonderfully complex in what they want and, like, something there's something out there for everybody. However, every woman, I would suggest, pretty much every woman on the planet, wants a man with a lot of self confidence who believes in himself. So if you are lacking in these areas, which sounds like you are, which I get it. I wrote the book on it literally. Then it's good to just get clear on that. So I'm gonna give you, we're gonna before this before this coaching call's over, I'm gonna give you some confidence boosters, couple things to do and to start working on. Uh-huh.

Connell Barrett:

But, a lot of guys make a huge mistake when they try to fix their dating life. They say, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to flirt. Well, it's important to know the mechanics of flirting, but that's only 20% of winning at this game. 80% of it is feeling and absolutely knowing in your marrow that I am enough. I'm attractive. I'm awesome. I'm cool.

Connell Barrett:

I bring a lot to the table because let me let me do a little exercise?

Ryan:

Uh-huh.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. I'm gonna ask you to do something, right now. Wherever you're seated however you're seated right now, I'm gonna ask you to adopt a very small, low confident body posture. Okay? Slump your shoulders. Okay. Slump your shoulders and use your voice in a way that just Talk to me like you've when you when you when you're feeling really low, talk to me that way. How does that sound when you're feeling really low in confidence?

Ryan:

Like this. Like, I don't like it, I feel really low on confidence.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Cool. Now I want you to hold that position, hold that vocal range, and I'm gonna give you a pickup line to use. Okay. It's a good pickup line, but I want you to say it the way you just said what you said in that low I call that the lower self voice. So here it is. Ready?

Ryan:

Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

So repeat after me. Hey. It's almost Christmas time. Are you on Santa's nice list or his naughty list? But say it in that lower self voice with the posture. Go.

Ryan:

Hey. It's almost Christmas time.

Connell Barrett:

Are you

Ryan:

on Santa's nice list or naughty list?

Connell Barrett:

Okay, Matt. Thank you for doing that. Now come back to your neutral position. Please sit up straight. Talk to me a little bit more loudly. Make like, imagine I'm with you and look you in the eye. How did that feel, saying that with that small body and that timid little voice? How did that feel to you?

Ryan:

Yeah. Like if I was a Shy little boy.

Connell Barrett:

Right. Do you think a shy little boy using a good pickup line? You think that line's gonna work on many women and any women?

Ryan:

Maybe 1 would think it's kinda cute if it was a little boy. A lot of

Connell Barrett:

I don't mean I don't, I don't mean literally a little boy. You're a 20 something year old man.

Ryan:

Oh, okay. Okay. Sorry. No. It wouldn't work.

Connell Barrett:

Right. Right. Like, here, let me do it to you real quick. Okay? You pretend like you're a cute girl. You're in a bookstore. You're or you're at a bar waiting for you to drink. I come up to you and I say this. Hi.

Connell Barrett:

Hi there. Are you on Santa's naughty list or or nice list? Did you hear me? Oh, I said, are you on Santa's nice list or naughty list? How's that feeling to you as I do this exercise?

Ryan:

I would feel, like, sad for you.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Would you be attracted to me?

Ryan:

No. Not at all.

Connell Barrett:

Hooray. You would not wanna date me. You would not say, wow, who is this cool, confident guy?

Ryan:

Yeah. No. Not at all.

Connell Barrett:

Got it. Let's do so. Let's do the opposite. Here's what I want you to do. Sit up nice and straight. K? Now I want you to tell me what's an area of your life, Ryan, where when you're involved in this area, whether it's something you do like a favorite hobby or people you're hanging around. What's an area of your life where when you're involved in this area, you feel amazing? At least sometimes, you feel confident, you feel yourself, you feel authentic, you feel like a badass. When does that happen at least sometimes?

Ryan:

When I was in school

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

Ryan:

I went to, I went to acting school

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

Ryan:

And I was really good at it in school.

Connell Barrett:

So Okay.

Ryan:

Very, very confident, very cocky.

Connell Barrett:

Great. I want you to play a character for me for the next 30 seconds. I want you to play cocky, cocky, fun Ryan. K?

Ryan:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

This is a heightened amplified version of you. Show me I mean I mean, tell me slash show me how he's hey. He sits. What's his body position? Use your hold on your body. How does he sit? Okay. Head back, wide shoulders. Right?

Ryan:

Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. And Give me a mantra that feels really confident and sexy. It could be like, I'm Ryan. I am sexy as fuck. Or it could be, yeah, I'm a cocky mother. I'm a cocky mother. What do you care about? Don't know what you tell me. Give me something cocky that Ryan would say, and say it like cocky Ryan.

Ryan:

Alright. So yeah. I'm I'm I'm the shit. Like Nice. I'm the Cool.

Connell Barrett:

I like it. Say that to me again. I want you to be 20% louder. Go.

Ryan:

I'm the shit. I'm the man.

Connell Barrett:

Now say it just as loud. Say it with a smile on your face.

Ryan:

I'm the shit. I'm the man.

Connell Barrett:

Nice. Say it 3 more times and give me more certainty every time. Keep going.

Ryan:

I'm the shit. I'm the man.

Connell Barrett:

2 more times.

Ryan:

I'm the shit. I'm the man.

Connell Barrett:

One more time.

Ryan:

I'm the shit. I'm the man.

Connell Barrett:

Now I'm a girl at a bar. Walk up to me in the same exact way you just I want you to say, hey. Are you on Santa's naughty list or nice list this year?

Ryan:

Okay. Hey. Are you on Santa Santa's naughty list or nice list this year?

Connell Barrett:

Nice. Do it one more time. Even more just totally own it. Go.

Ryan:

Hey. Are you on Santa's naughty list or nice list this year?

Connell Barrett:

Nice. I'm a little bit attracted to you right now, Ryan, a little bit. And I'm a straight middle aged man. How does that feel? The way you just said that, how did that feel compared to the high, earlier exercise we did.

Ryan:

It takes me back to when I was in school, and Okay. Okay. And and it feels, it it feels well, it feels like I'm acting, but but

Connell Barrett:

Fair enough. You are.

Ryan:

But, But, yeah, it feels a lot more confident.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. It sounded so much better. Did it sound better to your ears?

Ryan:

It did. It felt good.

Connell Barrett:

And it felt good too. So here's a quick tip. If you ever want to, in the moment, jack up your confidence at least momentarily for by, like, like, dude, What you just did there versus the timid, little, small Ryan, it was, like, 5 times better.

Ryan:

Uh-huh.

Connell Barrett:

And what women respond to, it's not the words as much as it is the energy, the eye contact. You had this cocky smile on your face. I could hear it. And it was, like, self amused, and it was really confident. And that's gonna make a woman when you walk up to a woman like that as opposed to, hi, then the words don't even matter. She's responding to your voice, your sense of worthiness, and your sense of value that you can bring to her life. Because basically, you're saying to her, I can give you what you want more than almost anything else. I can give you a confident man.

Connell Barrett:

Does that make sense?

Ryan:

Yes. Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

Now what we just did is a quick fix. Full disclosure, this does not fix the internal issue. The internal issues, you've got these internal stories that say, hey. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm not x y z enough. But in the moment, you can literally fake it till you make it. And at least when you approach that next girl, bro, stand tall, get your voice nice and loud, tell yourself, how does cocky Ryan talk? And that will literally change the way you feel.

Connell Barrett:

It'll literally make you more attractive and magnetic to women. Now I know you've felt like acting to you. It's actually not acting. Technically, it's you're doing an impression of your most authentic higher self. K? But it's been so long since you've known this guy, at least in dating, that it felt like you were being somebody you're not. I would suggest to you, you're actually being the real you. Because at your best, you're when you're around people who really like you and you like them, like your best good friends. Are you a little bit cocky, kind of fun, funny?

Ryan:

Not cocky, but, like, yeah, funny and, like Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Cool. So anyway, the next time you go out to meet women or you want to approach a girl, Much more important than any words you say is vocal tonality, standing tall, good posture, and that will help in form the right words so that you when you say if it's a funny line like naughty or nice, it'll sound great. But even if you just walk up to a cute girl at a bookstore and say, oh, hey. What are you reading? It's nice to see that cute girls still read books. Then if it's coming from that confident place, it's gonna be so much more attractive to her.

Ryan:

Wow. Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Questions about anything, man. Let me know if this makes sense. Please ask away.

Ryan:

No. I just really like what you said, the pickup line. It's the best girl story. Like, I always tell

Connell Barrett:

I love that one. I love that. That's a great line for bookstores if you do want a line. It's, what you know, she's actually reading a book and you say, hey, it's nice to see that pretty girls still read actual books, instead of just, you know, scrolling your TikTok. So, yeah, that's a good one. Keep that line in your back pocket if that helps you. Okay. So we're talking about fixing your confidence from the outside in eye contact, voice, the way you stand.

Connell Barrett:

What you and I can do on a separate call. It'll be a longer session. We'll talk about how to transform that internal confidence because that's the really powerful thing. There's a whole podcast episode about this that I'll send to you where I do this with another client, and you can go through it. But we can also do it on the phone. So, let's switch gears. Let's talk about flirting. Wanna talk about flirting? That's important to you. Right? Or do you want actually, you know what? You know what? We'll definitely flirt, but I know that approaching is important to you. What else would you like to talk about in terms of problems that you have felt with approaching? How can I help you,

Ryan:

man? I have a big problem with looking girls in the eyes. Is that part of the lack of confidence?

Connell Barrett:

Probably. Tell me more. What do you mean by you have a problem with that?

Ryan:

Like, I forget to look, like, look them in the eyes. Like, sometimes I'll talk, and I'm, like, staring down or something or not looking. They say that I read that eye contact is very important. So I try to remember that all the time, but, a lot of times, I forget Or, a little too scared to look in the eyes.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Absolutely. Here's how important eye contact is, Ryan. Here's a quick story. There's a beautiful girl in Whole Foods. This was a few years ago on a winter day. It was a January day, and she was dressed up. She looked like the cover of a J.

Connell Barrett:

Crew catalog winter catalog. And I walked up to her, and I said, hey. You look like a model on the cover of a J. Crew winter catalog. And she smiled, and we talked, and she really liked me. I thought that was an amazing line. We went on a date, and we're having a really great date. And on the date, I said to her, hey.

Connell Barrett:

By the way, what was it you liked about me when I approached you? And I was fishing for a compliment. I was hoping she was gonna say, oh, you were so funny. Your line was so good. She said, oh, it's really simple. You stood up nice and tall, and you looked me right in the eyes. And that was really attractive.

Ryan:

Wow.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. She barely even remembered what I said. I thought it was witty and cool. I don't even think she remembered, but she did remember that I looked her right in the eyes and I essentially connected with eye contact and looked at her, and just sort of owned that space. So, yes, you definitely wanna make good eye contact with women. Do you feel like it's a confidence issue, like it feels uncomfortable for you to do that?

Ryan:

Yes. I definitely feel like it's a confidence issue. Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Everything is or almost everything is. For the time being, before we go deeper and really transform those internal stories from low confidence to massively confident. Here's what I want you to do. Here's a 2 for 1 tip. In other words, it's 2 tips in 1. The next woman you approach, I want you to do it this way. I want you to approach her by asking her what her eye color is.

Connell Barrett:

It's so simple. You walk, you walk up and you say, hey, can I ask you a question? What color are your eyes? You can't not look at her eyes. In fact, I want you to approach the next 10 girls that way. K? Hey. Pardon me. What color are your eyes?

Ryan:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Do it do it do it do it with cocky Ryan's voice. I know you're not a cocky guy, but we're overcompensating

Ryan:

Uh-huh.

Connell Barrett:

With cockiness to make you just come across as natural and confident. So anyway, the next 10 girls you talk to, I want you to go up and say, hey, what color are your eyes? They never get that question, so it's a good question to ask. It surprises her in a positive way. It's flirtatious. And 9 out of 10 women are gonna answer you, and you're gonna start a conversation. And you're gonna be making amazing eye contact. So do this 10 times in a row. You'll probably get 1 or 2 phone numbers or at least have some really good responses.

Ryan:

Mhmm. And then

Connell Barrett:

By the end of these 10, you're gonna be like, Connell, I cannot look women in the eyes.

Ryan:

Okay. I can't It

Connell Barrett:

feels weird. It feels weird not to look them in the eye. I can't you're gonna feel great. Right?

Ryan:

Yeah. I do. I can

Connell Barrett:

I love it?

Ryan:

And by the way,

Connell Barrett:

the way you're laughing right now and having fun with this, Uh-huh. That's what is great , that's the vibe to bring to the approach. I'm not saying you literally have to be giggling, but It's that sense of, oh my god. She's gonna she's gonna love this. Here I go. Oh, here she is. This girl right here. Hey.

Connell Barrett:

Excuse me. What color are your eyes? You're smiling. She's like, who is this? Who is this guy with the sly smile? Who's noticing? You're not even hitting on her. You're flirting, but you're not hitting on her. Does that make sense?

Ryan:

Yeah. It does. Uh-huh.

Connell Barrett:

It's charming. It's not, hey, I like your tits. Great ass. It's an excuse. What color are your eyes? I used to do this, so I'm color blind. I'm red, green color blind. Yeah. Thanks, dad.

Connell Barrett:

Thanks, Denny. Anyway, I got my dad's color blind eyes, And, I used to walk up to girls saying, hey. What color are your eyes? And then they would smile and say, oh, they're blue or whatever. And I'd say, oh, well, I just wanted to know because I'm actually color blind. And I don't even know what color they are, but they're really striking. And then women were fascinated by color blind eyes. Like my girlfriend, Jess, can't she's constantly fascinated by what I see in the world. So anyway, I tried this out many times and this drill works really well if you struggle with eye contact.

Connell Barrett:

So the lack of eye contact comes from your social discomfort. With doing this combined with those confidence pieces of confidence kryptonite. Okay? It's gonna take time. You're gonna have to monitor it, Ryan, and you're gonna it's not gonna happen automatically. You're not gonna instantly make eye contact with every woman. Give it some reps, give it some time, and don't just make this a thing you do with girls. For the rest of your day today, Go to Starbucks, when you're going to get Starbucks, when you're talking to your family, when you're hanging with your friends, make it really strong. Not even not even strong.

Connell Barrett:

Just make simple, connected eye contact with people. And you'll get in the habit of it, and it'll be a lot easier for you to fix this than you think. But it will take a little time. We gotta recondition new habits. Does that make sense?

Ryan:

Yes. Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

By the way, what color are my eyes, I'm asking you, on our Zoom call here.

Ryan:

I can't really tell. I think Hold on. Hazel? No.

Connell Barrett:

I have no idea, dude. I'm color blind. Don't you listen? Oh, it's Hazel. I don't know. No. I think they're Hazel too, whatever that means.

Ryan:

Yeah. It's hard to tell by the cam with the Through, the the webcam. But

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. That's okay. Okay. Next question. You tell me. I wanna I just wanna serve you. I just wanna answer all your questions, approaching, flirting, anything. Fire away.

Ryan:

I don't really have any other questions. I mean, I can't think of anything.

Connell Barrett:

It sucks. So you so your your whole dating life is fixed in 28

Ryan:

minutes? No. Not at all. Damn. Just going out. Like, just going out today and doing that line you gave me. It's gonna be so hard for me. It's gonna,

Connell Barrett:

Why? Why is that line gonna be hard, Tony?

Ryan:

You start thinking about, like, you start thinking about, like, man, this girl's gonna think I'm a weirdo. I'm like, she's gonna tell me, or she's gonna be like, what's I don't know. She's good. She's yeah. They'll start telling you things like that. Like, she's gonna

Connell Barrett:

be

Ryan:

this guy's a weirdo Or this guy with the house's problem. Like you know what I mean? Like, it's Or maybe or maybe oh, I'll I'll it'll work. It'll work. But then after that, it'll go, like, completely, like, silence awkward Because I have no idea what to ask after that or, like, what to

Connell Barrett:

say. Okay.

Ryan:

Of, because that's happened before.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Let's talk about great things. You just asked me 2 great questions. Basically, 2 topics. So let's talk about what you just said. Oh my god. It's gonna be weird. What if she thinks I'm weird?

Ryan:

Right.

Connell Barrett:

Right? When what kind of settings does this happen to you? Is it everywhere, or is it, like, at a bar, or is it a coffee shop? Is it where you see women and sometimes think, oh, man, I wanna talk to her, but, man, she You might think I'm weird. Oh, everywhere. Okay. For example, give me 2 or 3 examples, please.

Ryan:

At the like, in the train, in the subway

Connell Barrett:

Okay?

Ryan:

I'll see some girls sometimes that are really cute, and they're, like, standing right like, sitting right in front of me. But then I'm like, Mason's gonna think I'm weird or, like, oh, my, my stop is, like, the next one, so it's not it's not gonna work. I only have, like Okay. Few wins. Or maybe her stop is the next one. Who knows? You know what I mean? Things you start telling yourself things like that or, like, Oh, there's so many people around. They're gonna be, like, looking like, thinking you're you're you're a moron. Just like

Connell Barrett:

Right.

Ryan:

What else? Also, like, you start thinking too, like especially nowadays, a lot of girls, like, when I was in school, because I'm technically still in school, but, like, I'm taking a break. But, in the past couple months and the last year, I would say some things to girls in school, And they would, they would, complain, like Like, like, getting scared of, like, oh, this girl's gonna think I'm, like, harassing her or something.

Connell Barrett:

What kind of things did you say?

Ryan:

Nothing like I guess I guess I overdid it with, like, trying to be confident, so I would, like, Say instead of being polite and stuff, I would say things like I don't even I don't even remember, to be honest. Okay.

Connell Barrett:

No worries. So a lot of guys, oh, go ahead.

Ryan:

I think I figured it out, like, not too long ago how to, ask, like, a girl like, how to be, how to be more polite, and stuff like that instead of just, like, going, like, hey. And we're gonna go here and there. Like, Oh, like, I wanna take you out. Like, things like I like, just straightforward. I guess they don't like that, or maybe the way that I used to say it because I was trying to be, like, really, really confident in Melee or, I don't know. But, there was one time, like, in school, like, a girl didn't. I guess she didn't like what I said, and she told the, one of the, like, the people, like, in the admission office, so I got in trouble for that.

Connell Barrett:

Here's what, here's what, here's what can get a guy in trouble. There is nothing wrong with putting a flirtatious card on the table with a girl. That's not harassment. What is harassment is if she says, oh, I don't want this card, and then a guy puts 5 more cards down. That's harassment.

Ryan:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

But there is nothing weird or creepy about approaching a woman and throwing your hat into the romantic ring. If she says if she keeps talking to you and she's enjoying you, Hey. That's how people have been getting together for tens of thousands of years. If she says, hey. I have a boyfriend or I'm not interested or I don't. Thank you, then you just say, hey. No worries. Have a nice day.

Connell Barrett:

It was nice meeting you, and a guy is not gonna get into trouble. So please don't mistake an approach in and of itself with harassment. It's harassment if you if she says no and you keep plowing forward, that's fucking creepy as hell. Fuck. That's stalking. That's awful.

Ryan:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

If you not you, Ryan, but the royal you, the general you. If a guy walks up, and makes it all about her body. If he totally objectifies her and says, hey. I just saw you, and I saw damn, your x y z body part looks amazing, and you look at her like a piece of meat, that's creepy to almost every woman. If you walk up and you say something more g rated and playful, light, and fun, like, oh, hey. It's nice to see that girls still read books. Does that sound like harassment to you? No. Right.

Connell Barrett:

It's just throwing a card on the table. If she takes the card or she puts her own card down, then you start playing cards. And if she doesn't, You say, hey. It was nice meeting you. Have a nice day. But you first of all, it's okay. It's okay to flirt with a girl. It's our jobs as men to take some chances.

Connell Barrett:

It's their job as a woman to say either yes or no. We lead the dance. If she doesn't wanna dance with us, we say it was nice meeting you. Good luck. No hard feelings, because you wanna leave a woman feeling good about the experience even if it's a thanks, but no thanks. Does that make sense, man?

Ryan:

Yes. Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Cool. Another question I have for you is you tell me, are you weird?

Ryan:

Yeah. I would say so.

Connell Barrett:

How do you mean that?

Ryan:

Well, I'm pretty like, like a loner, I would say.

Connell Barrett:

1. You're introverted?

Ryan:

Yeah. Okay.

Connell Barrett:

So am I.

Ryan:

Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

How weird are you? When I say weird, I don't mean, like, quirky and interesting in your own ways. I mean, that guy's a fucking weirdo. Are you that kind of weirdo?

Ryan:

No. No. No. I don't know. Most yeah. Most people say I'm, Polite and nice and kind.

Connell Barrett:

Good. And I think you are too. Otherwise, I wouldn't be coaching you. I only coach guys who are awesome and who have a lot to offer women. So a good answer to the weird question. My next question is, if you know you're not weird, Who cares what other people think about you being, quote, unquote, weird? Okay? We can't here's a great rule of thumb. I forget who said this. I heard this on a podcast recently.

Connell Barrett:

If you're not, if a person's not gonna attend my funeral, I don't care what they think of me.

Ryan:

Oh, wow.

Connell Barrett:

If you're not gonna be at my funeral, Look. I wouldn't mind it if you liked me or thought I was cool, but I don't really care if you don't. So that's a great mindset to bring to approaching. Or when you hear that little voice in your head say, oh, dude. What if she thinks you're weird for talking to her on the subway? Ask yourself, Are any of these people gonna be at my funeral? Am I gonna go through life worrying about what other people think of me? Now you want to approach in the best possible way. I want you to be charming, and I want you to make her feel good. When you approach a girl, would you agree that you have good intentions?

Ryan:

Yes.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. You want her to feel good about talking to you. Right? Mhmm. Are you looking to give something and make her day a little better? It's not all about making you wanna offer something. Right?

Ryan:

Right. Yes.

Connell Barrett:

There's nothing not only that is not weird, that is a generous, higher frequency, value offering place to come from. Now some other person might look at your approach, and they might judge in their subjective interpretation, oh, that guy is hitting on girls. He's weird. Is that possible? Yeah. But are those people gonna be at your funeral? No. Who cares what they think? Some of the most beautiful women I've ever met and dated came when I was out approaching. And I talked to 3 or 4 other women, and it didn't go anywhere. And other people saw me, judged me in some way, shape, or form.

Connell Barrett:

And then that 4th or 5th girl really liked me, and I'm all of a sudden on a date with a beautiful, gorgeous woman that night. Do you think on that date with that gorgeous, blonde, Russian model, a woman I'm thinking of, do you think I was worried about the other people who saw me that day and might have thought I was weird? No. Nor should you be worried about them. It's so easy to become a valid validation junkie, wanting validation from other people or worrying about others' approval. And we don't wanna draw our good emotions from external sources. Emotionally, you don't wanna be a solar powered edifice, drawing your energy from the external sources. You wanna be nuclear powered from the inside. You gotta draw your energy, your confidence from within yourself.

Connell Barrett:

And then when other people do approve of you, hey. That's great. It's a nice bonus, but we don't wanna be overly focused on what others think of us. Does that make sense, man?

Ryan:

Yes. Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

Can I tell you a story that I think might rock your world?

Ryan:

Yeah. Please.

Connell Barrett:

You might have read this in my book, but let me tell it real quick for those who haven't read my book. Here's why approaching is not weird or creepy. It's actually creepy not to do it. When I first went out into the world 15 years ago, I was out at a rooftop bar in New York City with my wingman friend, and his name is Tyler. Tyler looked over at this table, and saw 2 really pretty girls, a blonde and a brunette, sitting with this big, muscly guy. And my buddy, Tyler, and I made a deal that night. He had to approach everybody I pointed him to, and he had to approach everybody, he pointed me I had to approach everybody he pointed me to. So he said, go over there. Sit down next to those 2 girls and that guy.

Connell Barrett:

And I had to do it. I promised him. So I walk over. I'm scared as hell. I'm so nervous. I'm thinking, oh my god. The guy's gonna wanna beat me up. He's one of their boyfriends.

Connell Barrett:

They're gonna think I'm a weirdo. I walk over and I sit down, and I give them the best, most committed opener I could think of. All I said was, hey, you guys. You seem friendly. How's your night going? And I sat down. And the brunette, really pretty brunette, short brown hair, She leaned forward across the table. Her eyes got really big. And she said to me, oh my gosh.

Connell Barrett:

You just came right over here and sat down and talked to us. Do you know what you are? And in my mind, I'm thinking, I'm the Creepy, weird guy who's about to get his ass kicked by your boyfriend. But I kept my cool. I didn't say anything. I said, no. What am I? She said, you're normal. You just came right up. Thank you.

Connell Barrett:

And then she said she pointed to a different table, a different guy, also a ginger like me.

Ryan:

And I said,

Connell Barrett:

she said, see that guy over there? He's just been staring at us all night, and it's creeping us out. By the way, the big muscly guy was totally cool. He was chill. He didn't beat me up. He was actually fine. He wasn't even dating either of them, and I got the brunette's phone number. And I walked home that night, and I realized, wow. Is it a little bit unusual to walk up to somebody you don't know and start talking? Okay.

Connell Barrett:

I admit it. It's a little bit unusual. But is it creepy and weird? No. Not when you have good intentions and not when you commit to it. You know what's creepy and weird? Staring at a girl, wanting to approach her, and doing nothing.

Ryan:

That's me.

Connell Barrett:

Alright. So You tell me, Ryan, are you committed to no longer being that creepy guy who stares and does nothing and thinks about it, and worries, and procrastinates, and gets stuck in his head. Or are you gonna take some authentic, courageous risks, walk up to women with full commitment, and let those chips fall. Who do you wanna be?

Ryan:

The second1. The latter.

Connell Barrett:

Guess who women love? That guy. Yeah. Absolutely. One of the biggest epiphanies I ever had with approaching, bro, is that my old coach, Owen, turned me onto this. A guy named Owen Cook, Classic, old school pickup dude back in the day. He said and I'll just paraphrase him. The big moment was with approaching what feels risky is actually safe, and what feels safe is actually risky. What he meant was when you approach a woman with a lot of confidence and swagger and you really go for it in the moment that feels really risky, But actually, it's the smart, safe strategy because it gives you the best chance for a good outcome because you're committing.

Connell Barrett:

However, if you play it safe, and you stare at her and your voice gets timid and you say, Hi. Hi. Excuse me. I just wanted to say hi and meet you. That timidity, that safeness is actually risky because you risk having a terrible approach. You risk making her feel like you're not a man of value, very high degree chance, very high likelihood that the approach gets rejected. So this is a mind melter. What you think is risky is actually really safe.

Connell Barrett:

What you think is safe is actually really risky. What are some of the favorite sports you like to play or to watch?

Ryan:

Basketball.

Connell Barrett:

Cool. Who are a couple of your favorite basketball players?

Ryan:

I'd like, who's my favorite of all time? I really like Chauncey Billups.

Connell Barrett:

Chauncey Billups. What kind of game does he play? Is he an outside shooter? Does he move inside?

Ryan:

He was a point guard for the Detroit Pistons.

Connell Barrett:

Oh, right. Okay. I'm a Pistons guy back in the day. Okay. Think about Chauncey or LeBron or any player like driving to the hoop. Did Chauncey Billups, when he would drive to the hoop, go in all gingerly and and timidly, or did he commit to the paint and go in.

Ryan:

Be committed. Be always committed.

Connell Barrett:

Right. When LeBron goes to the hoop, does he go in full commitment, or does he have to do it half assed, and and change his mind and then probably not do it most of the time.

Ryan:

Full commitment. Exactly.

Connell Barrett:

It's the same with approaching. You gotta fully commit. And by fully committing, I don't mean you yell and get weird and loud. I just mean you act like you belong there. Yeah. Yeah. You go in and say, hey, what's up? I just wanted to say hi to you. You guys seem cool.

Connell Barrett:

You seem like you're having you seem like a cool person or I like that book you're reading or whatever it is. So, most guys don't approach. And because of that fear and doubt, Am I weird? Am I enough? All those confidence, confidence kryptonite sticks of confidence kryptonite. Because of all that resistance, that's what creates the timidity and the creepy passiveness that gets an approach rejected. So, you want to approach it as if. Assume it's gonna go well.

Ryan:

Uh-huh. Even if you don't believe

Connell Barrett:

it, just as a fake it till you make it trick, assume it's gonna go well. Does that make sense? Yes. Okay, man. We have time for 1 last question from your good self. What else And you what other question might you have or what other dating problem do you really wanna solve, get better at?

Ryan:

I think I have the answer to this one, But there was this girl I really liked. Like, I really, really, really liked in school, but somehow And she used to like me at first, but, for some reason, I said something or I did something that she doesn't, she doesn't reply to me anymore, like messages. So, should I just let it, I should just let her go. Right? I mean, it's not like I'm gonna see her anymore, to be honest. So

Connell Barrett:

Great question. When you're hung up on a girl and a girl stops showing you interest. I want you to repeat after me right now. Okay? Uh-huh. I am confident, Ryan.

Ryan:

I am confident, Ryan.

Connell Barrett:

There are 1000000 more girls out there.

Ryan:

There are 1000000 more girls out there.

Connell Barrett:

And I have a lot more to give.

Ryan:

Girls out there, and I have a lot more to give.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Yeah. Say it again. Thank you for writing it down. I love that. I love a good note taker. And I want you to say it back to me right now, if you would. Just give it back to me.

Connell Barrett:

Use that cocky, confident, committed, authentic voice.

Ryan:

I am confident, Ryan, And there are 1000000 girls out there, and I have a lot more to give.

Connell Barrett:

Nice. Give it to me one more time. Go.

Ryan:

I'm confident in Ryan. There are 1000000 girls out there and I have a lot more to get.

Connell Barrett:

Cool. Imagine you approach a girl and she's not interested. What do you say?

Ryan:

I'm confident, Ryan. There are 1000000 girls out there, and I have a lot more to give.

Connell Barrett:

Imagine she has a date. You think it goes well, but she ghosted you. What do you say?

Ryan:

I am confident, Ryan. There are 1000000 girls out there, and I have a lot more to give.

Connell Barrett:

Now imagine you have a date and it goes great. You make out. She's super into you. She can't wait to see you again. You can't wait to see her again. What do you say?

Ryan:

The same thing?

Connell Barrett:

Yeah.

Ryan:

I'm confident in Ryan. There are 1000000 girls out there, and I have a lot more to give.

Connell Barrett:

And add one thing to that. And this girl who likes me is proof that I am enough.

Ryan:

That's awesome.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. So here's what you wanna do. Whenever you get a blowout, a ghosting, a girl loses interest. That's Hollywood, baby. That's part of dating. Don't get upset about it. That's like Tom Brady getting upset if he gets sacked. As part of football.

Connell Barrett:

It's like LeBron getting upset when the ref calls a foul. It's part of the game. What you wanna do is say, that's good. All good. There's a 1000000 more girls out there, and I have so much more to give. And that keeps you focused on all your options to move forward. And then when a girl likes you, which absolutely will happen, dude, because you're intelligent, you're ambitious, you have a good heart, And there's a lot of things about you I don't even know because this is only our 1st session. But when you do get those good results, then you remind yourself, hey.

Connell Barrett:

There's a 1000000 girls out there who are gonna be into me, and this girl's one of them. And this is proof that I am enough because our brains need proof that we're fucking awesome. K? We need those reference experiences. Let me ask you this. What's something in life that you are very good at or e either pretty good or very good at it?

Ryan:

I'm really, really, really good At acting and singing, it's really good.

Connell Barrett:

Great. And, is it I assume so, What do you feel, what do you feel more confident about, singing or acting?

Ryan:

I would say I'm both the same.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Great. Give me 1 or 2 specific reasons why you know You're good at acting. Could be like, oh, my teacher said I was the best or I won an award or I was in this show. Whatever your proof points are, what

Ryan:

Do you have any?

Connell Barrett:

And learn too.

Ryan:

That's a good one. Okay. A famous actor paid for me to go to acting school.

Connell Barrett:

Oh, man. Oh, dude. That's incredible.

Ryan:

Yes.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. That's great.

Ryan:

So when that's called I tell myself that.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. So that's a proof point of your value as an actor. K? To build your dating confidence, what we wanna do is start focusing on proof points either past, present, or future proof points of your worthiness to girls. K? Just like okay. Maybe you haven't had something as powerful as the famous actor who paid for you to go to school. But Give me one proof point from the past that makes you feel like, hey. Some really cute girls are into me. What do you get?

Ryan:

That girl I really liked that I just told you about, she was into me at first.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So she showed interest. She showed that she found you attractive. Mhmm. Great. You can use that proof point. And that's a nice way to look at a relationship or a possible relationship that ends is not to get upset about it and say, oh, man. I guess I suck.

Connell Barrett:

She blew me off as to say, well, you know what? It didn't work out, but At least I know another cute girl was into me. And that's hard evidence that our brains need to build that internal confidence, that internal nuclear powered confidence from inside. So those proof points are really powerful. You don't maybe have as many as you have with acting, but that's okay. You just build it 1 at a time. And it only takes 2 or 3 new proof points to say, woah. I just got a phone number from approaching. This is possible.

Connell Barrett:

Girls must like me. You can do this. Now you haven't gotten that yet or maybe maybe you haven't. I don't know. We haven't talked. But Every time you get a new proof point, you wanna say, yeah, that's more proof of my worthiness. But on the path to that, you wanna say, hey, this girl blew me off. That's okay.

Connell Barrett:

She saved me time. I don't have to, I don't wanna date somebody who's not into me. I wanna find somebody who sees my incredible value and my worth. There's a 1000000 more girls out there, and I got more to give because I'm confident Ryan. Any other questions, man?

Ryan:

No. I don't I can't think of anything.

Connell Barrett:

Here are your marching orders. Guess what you're gonna do this week? Okay. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go out. Give me Let's play a quick game. Give me a number between 5 and 12. 12. Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Guess how many girls you're gonna go talk to this week?

Ryan:

12.

Connell Barrett:

You said it. You said the number.

Ryan:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Here's the good news though. Remember but yes, 12 cute girls. Here's what I want you to do. Oh my God. This is amazing. So you're gonna go talk to 12 cute girls.

Ryan:

For who?

Connell Barrett:

Your only criteria for success, though, is that you walk up and you say, hey. Excuse me. What color are your eyes?

Ryan:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

You can do that 12 straight times, okay, if you want to. Now you can change the line. If you wanna say something different, you can.

Ryan:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

But I want and your only criteria for success is this. Sorry. There's 3 criteria for success. Number 1 is that you do 12. Mhmm. Number 2, All you have to do is break the ice, and she hears you. I don't care if she talks to you. I don't care if you talk for 5 minutes, 5 seconds or 5 hours.

Connell Barrett:

So these can be very short. K? These can be very short. Hey. Excuse me, miss. What color are your eyes? And then she answers you. Boom. That's that's 1. Done.

Ryan:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

You don't. I'm not saying you have to bring back her lingerie to me, you know, as proof. Okay? Bonus bonus points if you bring me her lingerie. All you gotta do is, hit these 12, do 12. So it's, 12 criteria success point number 1, 12 opens in the next 7 days. Number 2, opener that she hears. Number 3, eye contact and be louder. Be as loud as you can without yelling at her. Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Just let that remember that voice we did earlier, that confident Ryan voice, make sure she can hear you. Because when nerves kick in with approaching, it hits our voice first. So all you gotta do is walk up to 12 women and say, excuse me, miss. What color are your eyes? With a little smile, good vocal tonality. By the end of next week, you are gonna be so much better at this than you've ever been in your whole life, and you might have some phone numbers and dates too. But I guarantee you, you're gonna have more confidence. You're gonna have momentum. And One last little tip, just in case you're worried about coming across as weird, it took in the daytime, it's great to start off by saying, Excuse me, miss.

Connell Barrett:

That's very gentlemanly. It's very socially charming. Hey. Pardon me, miss or excuse me, miss. Creeps don't say that, but you're not a creep, you're a charming gentleman. So those are your marching orders, and we can pick up from there next week. Sounds good, man?

Ryan:

Yeah. Thank you.

Connell Barrett:

You got it. You got it. Alright. Thanks, brother. Until we speak again, hold the line for a second. But great job today, man. You crushed it.

Ryan:

Thank you. Thank you for everything. My pleasure, bro.