Connell Barrett:

A great first date will make life worth living. A bad first date makes you just want to give up on love and join a monastery in Myanmar.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome to the dating transformation podcast. Here's your host, dating Coach Connell Barrett

Connell Barrett:

All right, welcome back to the Dating Transformation podcast. I am your host, dating Coach Connell Barrett. I'm a dating coach for men, and I help guys gain confidence, learn to flirt, and get a great girlfriend, all by being authentic, radically authentic, your true best self. No creepy pickup artist stuff involved. And I'm really psyched because today is all about how to have great first dates where sparks fly. She wants to see you. You want to see her and get second and third dates and eventually get a great girlfriend. And the fact is, a lot of guys really struggle on first dates. They don't know what to say, or they're boring. Or maybe you've been on first dates, and you think it went well, right? You think, oh, wow, the conversation flowed. There were no awkward pauses. And then you get that text from her the next day saying, hey, it was fun. Nice meeting you. You're a nice guy. But I just didn't feel that spark, just didn't feel that connection. And that can make you really, it's very frustrating to be literally inches away from a cool, wonderful, intelligent, attractive woman. You can smell her perfume. You're looking her right in the eye, and she's so close. But then if she doesn't want to see you again for a second date, she seems really far away. So, let's work on that. Let's fix this today so that you can go on great, fun, flirty first dates and make some really wonderful women want to date you. And let me open with a story because I want to tell you about Lisa. Lisa is a woman I dated way back in the day when I was working on all this stuff, and I'd been trying to connect with Lisa for nearly a year. And I remember we were sitting in a lounge on our date, and we were close to our first kiss. We hadn't had it yet. And actually, earlier, we had gone out on a couple of dates months earlier, but she basically wasn't interested in me, but she gave me a second chance, which I was really happy about. So anyway, we're on sort of a second chance date, and it was a really good date, and we'd always had good banter. But on this date, everything had changed from the previous date where she friend zoned me. On this date, we were both opening up. She was talking about these life changing trips she'd taken, like tamachu picchu. I was talking all about this trip to Ireland I'd taken, and I could just feel a nice shift from our last date, which hadn't gone well to this one. And basically, I'd gotten really good at being authentic and confident in myself. And I'd also gotten really good at first dates and flirting. And I remember there was that moment of truth where it was time to go in for the first kiss. And I still had those first kiss butterflies because they're a bitch, right? A woman's lips can be inches away from you, but they may as well be in poughkeepsie because that first kiss can feel really scary. Anyway, I gave her a little test to see if she was ready for me to kiss her. So I looked at her and I said, hey, close your eyes. And basically, I was telegraphing to her that I wanted to kiss her. And if she closed her eyes, then basically that was a green light for me to go in and kiss her. If she didn't, then I would still get points for sort of trying for let her know that I was going for it, but also just for it would also build sexual tension. Because when you look at a woman on a date and you say, hey, close your eyes, she knows what that means. So I said, close your eyes to Lisa. And she said, why? And she smiled and she knew why. She was just playing hard to kiss. And I said, what do you think? So I can steal your purse. And she said, you want to kiss me, don't you? And I said, yeah, right. Like I'd ever want to kiss you. You have cooties. And I remember she laughed, she snort laughed when I said that. And I teased her a little bit more. I said, Uhoh, we got a snorter here. It was like a really fun moment. And then I went in. I leaned in for that kiss in the middle of her laughing. By the way, when a woman is laughing in the middle of a sexy romantic moment, that's a great time to move in for the kiss because she's just feeling so good. And so I went in, we went for the kiss. We had a great first kiss, and the date went great. And we ended up dating for a while. And so on this episode today, I'm going to talk all about how to go for the first kiss, how to plan a really good first date, how to connect on a first date and essentially start having a lot. More first dates go great where the woman wants to see you again and you want to see her again as opposed to hitting that first date wall. So let's talk about a few things here. I'm going to give you man, it's probably going to be  actionable practical tips here. Let's talk about the three stages of a first date. Basically, you can put a first date into three stages. The first stage is how the weather is. Second stage is you and me. And that third stage is we. So how's the weather? That's the first ten to  minutes of a date, feel no pressure to be super witty or super charming. You can literally make small talk as you both get comfortable and your nerves settle. All right, that's phase one. Phase two is most of the date, which is you and me. And that means you'll be spending most of the date primarily talking about one another, getting to know each other, making the conversation about you and her in an emotionally fused, infused way. In other words, man to woman communication, as I call it in my book. And so you and me might sound obvious. What else are you going to talk about? Right. It's amazing how easy it is to get stuck talking about politics, the weather, jobs, and other people. You want to keep the conversation about you and her. In other words, you and me, meaning you. And the third phase of the date, when a date goes really well, is the we phase, which is that you and she become a we. You feel like a unit, kind of like a couple. And yes, even on a first date, you can feel like it's a couple, like you're a couple. And if you've ever had a date where you just felt like you'd known each other for years, that's what I call the we stage. And that's a great place to get to on a date where you basically feel that mutual connection almost like you're already together. So those are the three phases of a date. How do we navigate these phases? I think of these phases sort of like we're escalating. We're going up these different escalators. So here are the three romantic escalators you want to keep in mind on a date. The first romantic escalator is verbal personal. Ideally, the two of you are going from being more guarded, polite, or safe as you just say hello for that first time, and then you get more vulnerable and personal. Right? So basically it's like going from nice to meet you, how's your day? Now you know my deepest hopes and dreams, and I know yours. That would be like on a scale of one to ten, that would be a ten. So you want to get more personal as the date goes on. Another escalator on a date is a physical, and that's about you. And she goes from being more hands off and not touching at all because you don't know each other to being increasingly physically expressive. So, for example, you might start with a hello hug as the date progresses. You are playfully high fiving each other thumb wars, expressively tapping her on the shoulder. And eventually the ultimate physical escalation, of course, is hand holding kissing and eventually sexual intimacy. The third escalator is logistical. And logistical just is about changing scenes where you escalate from, say, that first date venue to another location or two, say, to a different bar, maybe taking a walk, and eventually either to your place or hers. Again, assuming of course that you're both enjoying that and liking it in a win-win way. Most good first dates typically involve a change of scene where you don't want to sit on the same bar stool for  hours if you can help it. You want to move around a little bit, otherwise it can feel stagnant. So those are the three romantic escalators we want to be aware of and on a first date you want to try in a win-win, mutually obviously, mutually consensual way, to be going up these three escalators. And that will help you both feel like, oh, hey, we're really connecting. We're getting more personal. We're being at least a little bit more physically expressive. And also you want to not just stay at the same place the whole time. You want to have some logistical movement on that date. So those are the three escalators, and let's talk a little bit more about each of them in terms of the personal getting more personal escalator. That's just really about being vulnerable, being sincere, and sharing your true, authentic feelings, views, personality, sense of humor, important information about yourself, and also helping her to open up about who she is and what makes her tick. Okay? And later in this pod, I'm going to give you some questions to ask her that will help you both get there. So we want to get more and more personal as a date goes on, right? If you're not being personal, if you're not showing her your real authentic self and seeing hers, you're going to struggle on a date. So we want to get a little bit personal. And the second escalator is physical, and this is a tricky topic, I want to be very smart. The way we talk about this physical escalation is not you executing physical moves on a woman like some sort of pickup artist and basically doing some kind of weird physical hypnosis. This is just about using your physical touch and nonverbals as a way to communicate because that's part of who we are as people, right? Physicality is a part of the dating process. And so think of this as a way to express yourself and a way for her to express herself with some physical and nonverbal expression. And here's how I like to think of it. And I talk about this in detail, nuanced detail in my book. So if you really want that step by step nuance, check out, check out the book. But anyway, here's how it works. Think of the physical escalation as climbing stairs on a date. You start at the bottom of the steps and that would mean like a warm hug when she arrives, some high fives, all very G rated, right? I like to do fist bumps. I might make a point, make an expression. And I'll tap her on the shoulder, tap her on the arm when I'm talking. And this is a way for us to begin a physical connection to see if she feels it too, and if she is physically back with me. One of my favorite little steps on a date is if I see a woman is wearing a really cool piece of jewelry or like a cool ring, I might take her hand and do the jewelry inspection and say, oh, hey, this is a cool jade bracelet. What's the story behind this? And I've taken her hand, and I'm holding her wrist while I look at it. If you want to be creepy, if you want to be creepy, the way you are creepy, I should say the way men can be creepy is they just randomly touch a woman for no reason. They just touch her hand on her lower back. That's creepy as fuck. Don't do that. Having a reason for the touch, like, oh, hey, cool ring. What's the story here? Or do you guys like the same movie or TV show? No way. What? You're a Seinfeld fan. High five and she high fives you? Yeah. Have a reason for the touch. And the first part of the date, we make it G rated. That's the lower part of the stairs. And then as the date progresses, if she's being receptive, if you're reading the room and she's enjoying this physical touch and she's giving back, then you can go up to the middle steps. The middle steps are tossing your arm over her shoulder, whispering in her ear, maybe letting your bodies kind of brush up against each other. You might high five her. And then after you've high fived a couple of times, you might catch the high five and kind of hold hands for a few seconds and see if she clasps your hand back. She's basically saying, I like the way you're touching me, and I'm touching you back. And so we say, oh, here we are in the middle steps. If she's not receptive on those middle steps, go back down the stairs. We are not blindly escalating physical moves on a woman. We are climbing up these stair steps of physical connection. And if she's enjoying it just as much as you are, you can keep climbing. If not, go back down to those bottom steps. Women love a guy who can read her and realize, hey, I'm not comfortable yet holding your hand. And if she's not comfortable, boom, we go way back down to those first steps. And you're not even going to try to hold her hand. So you're showing empathy. Empathy and social acuity and just reading how she's feeling. And it takes time for women to feel that way. And then the top step, of course, the top steps on the physical escalation of physicality would be the first kiss. More hand holding, touching in a slightly more personal way, like your hand on her lower back, hers on your torso. I was on a date once where she would kind of touch my chest touch my AB area. That's a personal escalation that she was doing with me, giving me those clear signals that she was liking me. And of course the ultimate physical expression is sexual intimacy. In private, of course, not on the date. So yeah, those are the different ways we get physical on dates and or I should say the, the stair steps to escalate. And that third escalator, it's a pretty basic location. Very simple thing that most guys don't do, at least not mindfully. With logistical escalation, you're simply changing locations a time or two on the date. So maybe you start off sitting on the stools, the bar stools, then you move to some sofas in a different part of the lounge. A bit later you might say, oh, you know what, I know this awesome late night spot. Let's go grab another drink at XYZ Place, shall we? And off you go. So basically we're all wired to want variety. And changing scenes a couple of times on a date gives her it's almost like you're giving her multiple dates in one night. So some of the benefits of this logistical escalation is it turns the date into sort of an adventure or a journey. It's an experience. Most guys are not giving her moving locations infuses a date with some good energy, some excitement, because motion is emotion, right? She also gets to experience you in leadership mode. You're saying, hey, let's go do this, let's go do that. You're with me, let's go have fun together. And women generally like to let the man lead on that first date. So it puts you in that attractive leadership mode. And then also if on a first date or second date, whatever date it is, if on a date you and she both want to go back to your place or her place and just be alone. It's so much easier to do this if you've already been leading her out on a fun place where she's already been going to cool places with you and the nightcap at your house or the drinks in her apartment. This is just the latest stop on a really fun, dynamic date as opposed to sitting at the same place, same bar for  hours and then sheepishly saying, want to go back to my place? It's probably not going to work. Nor should it. Nor should it. So yeah, those are the different escalators. Now, a lot of guys say, how do I ask a woman out? Here are some tips. Here are six or seven quick tips on how to ask her out. First, never say, so what do you want to do? Women love a man with a plan. So you want to lead. Okay. And next you want to suggest your date idea with confidence, right? Say something like, hey, I know a place you're going to love. But also make sure that you're listening to any objections that she might raise and adjust accordingly. Right? So if you say, hey, I know a place you're going to love. It's a really cool dive bar. Shall we? And she says, oh, I don't know if I like dive bars. Totally fine. Don't push it. Say no worries. Let's find something a little classier and how about XYZ spot? So totally fine to suggest something with confidence. Also, it's totally fine to change the date based on her feedback because you want her to enjoy the thing or to be excited about the thing that you're both going to do. Another way to ask her out is you want to choose a location that is convenient for you both to get to. Okay? So for example, if you live  miles apart, don't choose a place that's two blocks from where you live. That is a big red flag for women that's going to hurt you. You're probably not going to get the date or that might send up a red flag. Choose a place that's easy for her to get to. And ideally I would suggest something that's roughly halfway between you and her. Okay? Oh, another tip about asking her out is don't start just tossing out possible days for the date. Because if her schedule is busy, then if you're saying, hey, how about a date on Monday? She has to say no. How about Tuesday? And if she's busy, she has to say no. And every time you throw out a day and you get turned down, you're basically losing some currency. You have some currency to be able to ask for that date and you don't want to keep getting shot down. So a very simple fix is to ask her out this way. Say something like, hey, we should do a fun X-Y-Z thing. What days work for you this week? Or what nights work for you this week? This way she'll tell you when she's free and then you can choose. Go out on that day, assuming that you are free. And then also when you're asking her out, feel free to also be vulnerable. Be a little bit sincere. I like saying something like, with my clients, I have them say something like, it'd be cool to finally meet you, right? Or It'd be nice to finally meet in person instead of just texting you here. So remember, it's not about the wine bar or the karaoke bar or whatever you're doing for the first date. It's about the two of you getting closer. And so it's cool to say something like, hey, let's meet up for a first. Let's meet up.

Connell Barrett:

Rejection ghosting. Loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book Dating Sucks, But You don't. Your step by step Guide to Attracting wonderful women and Doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Connell Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating Sucks, but You Don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive. Even if you're not tall or great looking, always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find dating sucks, but you don't. On Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback. Kindle and Audiobook get Dating Sucks, But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

Connell Barrett:

In fact, let me put it all together like this. Basically, it will go something like this. Let's say her name is Ashley. Hey, Ashley. By the way, this is something you can text or you can say. So either way, something like, hey, Ashley, you like red wine? So let's grab a couple of glasses this week. I know an awesome spot that's about halfway between you and me. You're going to love it, and it will be cool to see you and finally meet in person. What night works for you? That is a great way to ask her out. And so the way you ask a woman out is important. Okay, let's talk about what to do before the date, during the date, and then after the date, here are some more tips. Okay, before the date, what you want to do is on the day of the date, feel free to send her a text message to make her smile. It can be sincere, like, hey, I'm super psyched to meet you tonight. It can be playful. Like, I love to send this one. I sent this a million times in the past. Hey, I'm at the gym, so I'll be totally jacked for our date, and then I throw in a weight lifter emoji. Or maybe, hey, I'm at the gym right now getting my pecs totally ripped for our big date. And then I'll act like a muscle man. Muscle muscle emoji. The nice thing about these days or you can also do the day before text like this is it gets you on her mind in a good way before the date, so you're building anticipation. And also you're also confirming the date when she responds to this. She's also essentially confirming the date by just laughing at what you wrote or writing back. Sounds good. I'm looking forward to it, too. So this is also a good way to confirm a date. The way you don't want to confirm a date. Don't confirm a date by saying, hey, just making sure we're still on for Thursday? Are we still on? Don't do it like that because that's just too business. Like, that's how you confirm a business lunch. It's not a business lunch. This is a date. With a cool, attractive, hopefully smart, wonderful woman. And so we want to confirm it with some good emotions. Plus, if you give somebody an out, say, hey, are we still on for our thing? You're basically opening the door and making it easier for them to cancel or reschedule, which we don't want if we can help it. So anyway, that's a great way to confirm a date, too. I think of text messages as movie trailers that are building anticipation for the actual movie, and the first date is the movie, so feel free to use your texting to anticipate or build some positive anticipation. Also, before the date, you're going to want to arrive at the location early,  minutes. So if it's a bar, a coffee shop, get there about ten or  minutes early to make sure you can secure two seats. Grabbing spots at the bar works great because you want to plan to sit next to her, not across from her. Sitting next to her makes it easier for you to create that physical expressiveness, that physical connection. It's hard to do that if you're sitting across from each other like you're at a job interview. It's not the vibe you want. Also, before the date, text her that you've arrived. Let her know where you are just so she can find you easily. And feel free to add a joke. You could text something like, oh, hey, Rebecca, I snagged us two stools at the bar. I'm the hot guy in the blue shirt fighting off all the single ladies, so you better hurry. It's like a fun, playful, teasing text can work really well. Another before the date tip. If she's running late, which oftentimes will happen. If a woman's running late, feel free to, by the way. No problem, no big deal. In fact, not only is it not a big deal, it's something you can joke about, so you can even do a little bit of a gentle tease. Text something like, let's say she texts you, you're at the bar, it's five minutes after eight for an : date, and she texts you and says, hey, I'm running late. I'll be ten more minutes. I'm so sorry. You could write back, okay, Miss Tardy, but you owe me a drink. You owe me one drink for every minute you're late. Winky emoji. You could put a little playful pressure on her like that. Of course you're joking. You don't literally mean that, but it lets her know that you're fine with it. She's late, but also you're pulling her pigtails a little bit. One last tip, which is a total game changer. This feels so much better than what most guys do, is before the date, as you're waiting for her, don't just surf on your phone. Socialize. Talk to people. Talk to the bartender, the person next to you. Get some kind of social conversation going. Or hell, if you have to jump on your phone and call someone. Call a friend, say, hey, my date's running late. I just wanted to check in and say, hey, what's up, Chuck? This is so much better than just sitting on your phone and swiping, because what this does is if you get social, this settles your butterflies and gets you in a social mode, which will help your date. And also when she walks in and sees you engaged in conversation, rather than thumb twiddling or wiping off your sweaty brow, she'll be very impressed. So socialize before the date in the actual venue, it'll get you in the zone. It'll get you in the zone. Okay, let's talk about some tips to do during the date. Here we go. Here's how to make that date really go great. First, greet her with a nice, friendly hug, not a handshake. Remember, it's a date, not a business meeting. As a general rule, you want to tease, joke, and flirt early on and then be more real and vulnerable as a date unfolds. Keep that in mind. Also, during the date, you want to focus on the three P's. The three PS are present, positive, and personal. Sometimes in the past I've gone on a date and all I do, I think about the three P's. Present just means active listening. Positive means good mojo, good vibes. And then keep things personal, meaning make it about you and her and let things get more and more personal as the date goes on. Now, there's one other P that's not required, but it sure as hell helps. That Fourth P is playfulness. In dating, you want to have your first date. Second dates, especially first dates, have an element of playfulness. And so here's a really good shortcut to be playful. You can play some fun games, right? You can play two truths in a lie. You know that one, right? It's where you make three statements about yourself and your date has to guess which of the three is a lie. And this game lets you get personal, and it's really fun. It also gives you a chance to tee yourself up, to choose truths that set up a funny or revealing story that you'd like to share. And then when she goes when she gives you her truths and one lie, she's revealing personal things about herself. And then you're able to say, no way. Really? You were on the game show. Tell me that story. And then she gets to tell you a story about her life, which she's going to enjoy doing. So play some games. Two truths in a lie is one you can also play. I love staring contests where you just like you might do with a nephew or niece or your kid. If you're a single dad, you just have a staring contest and you say, okay, let's do a staring contest. First one to look away or to laugh or smile loses. You are allowed to blink because it's hard not. To blink. But basically, it's about not breaking eye contact and about not laughing or smiling. And this is a really fun way to create a spark, create some chemistry on a date. And then another first date game I love is called The Question Game. The question game is simple. You take turns asking each other any question. So you do it like this. You would say basically, I don't know, say you're  minutes into a date and you're having that typical first date get to know you conversation. And what you would say is you would do it like this. You would say, hey, excuse me. You'd say, hey, I have an idea. Let's play a game. It's called the question game. She'll say? What's? That? You say, well, it's really simple. It's a great get to know you game. And all we do is we take turns asking each other any question with one simple rule. And she'll say, oh, what's the rule? And you say, you must answer truthfully. Imagine Wonder Woman's rope Lasso is around you, so you have to tell the truth. And now, hopefully, you'd both be telling the truth anyway, but it creates a fun little frame for the game where it's like, we got to tell the truth, and we can ask each other anything. So here's a way to play it. And so this breaks the date out of that boring get to know you chit chat and frames the same idea, but in a fun game. And, hey, girls just want to have fun, just like Cindy Lapper said. And so with the Question Game, what you do is you start with innocent questions, and then if you want, you can move them up to more PG, PG , even R rated questions. But start with innocence and then work your way up. So, for example, you might start with, what was your nickname in grade school? And she'll tell you, by the way, you have a right to answer any question that you ask. You can answer your own question if you want to. What was your nickname in grade school? What's the hardest you've ever laughed? Who is your first kiss? Who's your celebrity crush? And then we get into the more risque questions. Again, if she's enjoying the G rated questions, you can graduate to questions like, what's the most trouble you ever got into in high school? And then you could say, what's the craziest place you've ever hooked up? And then as the game goes on, if things get really if you're really both enjoying the game and she's liking these questions, you can say, what's your favorite position in bed? We don't want to start with that, though. Don't start with the R rated stuff. Start with the G rated stuff, and then we escalate up toward it. So notice how these questions start becoming increasingly more personal in nature and let you kind of go up these romantic escalators from less personal to very personal. And of course you're taking turns. You ask a question, she asks a question. You ask a question, she asks a question. So it's a give and take. And even if you just ask to get to know your questions and it doesn't get any further than that, it just stays G rated. That's fine. You're still having a really good time getting to know each other. And then you could even tease each other. You can accuse her of lying if you think she's fibbing about something, say, wait a minute. Are you following the rules of the game? I think that might have been a lie. So you can have fun with it that way. Okay, next, a lot of guys ask me, connell, what do I talk about? What do I ask about? Here are seven great first date questions. Okay, ready? Because there's an old expression to be interesting, be interested. And it's really good to ask the right questions on a date. Don't be afraid of, quote, unquote, interview mode. Interview mode is not a problem as long as your questions are good and as long as you're either asking you some questions or you're answering some of these questions if she's not asking you. So don't fear interview mode. Interview mode is to be feared only if you ask boring questions and you don't offer anything about yourself. So here are seven great first aid questions. Number one, what's your dream travel destination? Because, hey, everybody likes to travel, right? Or likes talking and traveling. Number two, who should play you in the movie of your life? This question caters to her ego, and the actress who she chooses is going to clue you in on how she sees herself. So it's actually a really insightful question to ask. Number three is who did you go and see for your very first concert? Music is a great date topic, so you can be really impressed if she says Beyonce. You can be sad and tease her if she says Nickelback. And then of course, you can share your first concert. By the way, mine was Hollow Notes . What was the best day of your life? That's a great question. This question takes your date back in time to a big life moment that she'll enjoy reliving. And it's going much deeper than just surface level chat. What was the best day of your life? Number let's see here. Question number five. What do you love most about your job? Your career? Or another way to ask this is what lights you up about your job, your career? This lets you both talk about your work in a positive, emotionally evocative way, rather than boringly asking, so what do you do? How long have you been doing it? Where do you work? This is about good emotions, not about information. Question number six, a very simple one. What were you like as a kid? What were you like as a little girl? You're basically trying to tee her up to share some stories from childhood that give her a chance to be vulnerable or tell funny stories. I was on a first date during the pandemic. Actually, the one and only date I had during the pandemic because I hunkered down was when I asked that question, what were you like as a kid? And it led to a really funny story she told about loving Halloween, and she went to school dressed up as a clown. Red nose, full outfit, big floppy shoes, white makeup on. She went to school as a clown for Halloween, but she got the day wrong. So she was the only one dressed up for Halloween in grade school. So she's sitting in a classroom dressed as a clown. Everybody's dressed normally, and it led to a really great, fun moment on our date. So, yeah, that's question number six. And question number seven is what's your hidden talent? What's your hidden talent? Now, this lets her show off a little bit while also revealing a secret and sharing small secrets builds trust on a date. So those are the seven great first date questions. Now let's get to the really good stuff. Let's finish really strong here. Going for the first kiss. How do you go for the first kiss? It's probably the scariest moment of a first date. So here are three great ways to go for a first kiss. Number one, it's the story that I told you earlier at the start of this pod. Basically, I call it " close your eyes. The close your eyes technique, where you look at her, you smile, and you say, Close your eyes. And if she closes them, that's a green light. You can kiss her. She's basically saying, I'm ready to be kissed now. And if she doesn't close her eyes, no sweat. Try it later. The nice thing is, you've now put the idea of kissing in her mind, and that can really increase sexual tension. And then you didn't even have to go for the kiss, right? Because going for the kiss and getting the cheek, it doesn't always feel great. So this is a way of saying close your eyes is a way to test to see if she's ready for that first kiss. Another technique is what I call the shush kiss. The shush is as she's talking. And by the way, let me preface this by saying you don't go for a kiss at just any random moment, right? You let the date breathe for a while. You spend a reasonable amount of time together. You're letting those escalators, you're letting both of you go up these different escalators. And so we want to do this obviously in the second half of the date, not in the first  minutes. So we're looking for that right moment. It's probably going to happen in the third quarter or the fourth quarter. If you think of this like, as a football game, okay, anyway, back to the tips. The shush kiss. Is she talking? You look down at her lips, you look back at her eyes. Then you look down at her lips again. And as she's talking, you said you smile and then you softly shush her. You can even put your index finger to your mouth and go with a little smile. And then you lean in, and then you kiss. And then after you kiss, you say, I couldn't resist. I've been wanting to do that all night. What were you talking about? Again? Now, odds are she won't be able to remember. She'll just have that what? She won't even remember. She'll just feel like, wow, that was an amazing first kiss. So I call that the shush kiss. And the third st kiss move is I call this jumping through the kiss window. With enough dates under your belt, you're going to start to sense and know when to go for that kiss. You're going to just feel that gut, that inner voice, say, hey, you really want to kiss her? She looks very kissable. What you're doing is you're basically reading the room. And then maybe she'll smile in a certain way. Maybe her eyes will just be really locked onto your eyes. Maybe you and she have been touching that physical expression I talked about. She leans in a little bit. You're leaning in a little bit, and you'll hear that little voice that says, the kiss window is open. Go. Obey that voice and go. Go for that first kiss. Because women love a first kiss, feeling like it just happened. She doesn't want to feel like it came from some five step system. She also doesn't want it to be out of nowhere where all of a sudden she's looking down at her phone and she looks up and all of a sudden your lips are coming at her. No, do not do that. She loves to feel like it just happened. And what just happened is that when you sense a kiss window has opened, listen to that voice and go for it. The worst case scenario if you go for that kiss window is that she turns the cheek and says, oh, she turns her cheek. Now, not saying that's going to feel great because you wanted to kiss her, but I've been on a million dates in my life. I have never, to my knowledge, gone for a kiss, got the cheek, and then lost the girl and had that ruin the date. I know for a fact I've wanted to go for a kiss, and I didn't do it out of fear or low confidence. And then I lost the woman. I lost the opportunity and lost my chance with her because I failed to try. So I know this for a fact because women told me this after the fact. This one girl, million years ago, brandy basically said, connell, we were in that park on the park bench and you had your chance. You didn't go out, you didn't go for it, and I want to date a guy who goes for it. Those are her exact words. Painful, but a lesson I needed to learn. So the nice thing about going for the kiss, especially if you've been going up these escalators, is the best case scenario. Great, sexy, awesome first kiss. Worst case scenario is you show her that you're that guy who goes for it. And sure, she might have turned the cheek, but turning the cheek is not necessarily rejection. Turning the cheek might be that she's shy. It might be that she doesn't like public displays of affection, but she likes you. It might be that she's just not ready yet. So if you don't get the kiss, if you get the cheek instead, you're still probably scoring points and building up your worth and stature in her eyes. And then the second or third time you go for it, whenever that might be, it might work great, and you're still showing her that you go for it. Those are my first date tips. Let's finish with one more thing. Yeah, I want to finish with this. I want to give you what I call my number one secret to first date confidence. Right. Number one secret to first date confidence. Basically, it comes down to this. First date confidence comes from fully focusing on what you can control and influence and letting go of all the things that you cannot control or influence and putting thought of it like a bullseye. Like, I use this in my book. I have a graphic of a bullseye, and you want to put all your focus on all the things you can control and influence and not think or focus on things that you can't control. So, for example, what are the things you can control? Picking a great first date spot, looking your best, leading the conversation in a fun way. Playing these first date games. We've talked about going up these different escalators. We've talked about going for that first kiss. You can control that at the right moment, of course, asking good questions, leading the date, suggesting a venue location change. Basically, focusing on what's outside of your control creates anxiety, right? Like, how many times have you been talking to a woman or on a date with a woman and that little voice says to you, does she like me? Is this working? Is she into me? Well, whether or not she's romantically attracted to you, it's an understandable question to ask. But it's irrelevant to your confidence. It's irrelevant to your success, or at least it is at the moment. It's not going to serve you. It's not going to give you a boost of confidence. What does give you confidence is focusing on what you can control. So here's a quick example from outside of dating Tiger Woods. So I used to be a golf journalist. I used to specialize in playing golf and writing about golf. And Tiger Woods back in his prime, he said, you know, all I do is I control the controllables. So because somebody asked, " Tiger, what's the secret to your confidence? He said, I just control the controllables. What he meant by that was he says, you know what? I just focus on the club that I hit, on the swing I'm trying to make. I swing the club a certain way. I focus on playing my game. I don't focus on what other people are doing. I don't worry about what Dustin Johnson or Jordan Speed are doing. I just hit my golf ball. I control my controllables, and that's what makes me confident. Similarly with dating, you want to just focus on those controllables. Picking a great spot, looking good, doing your best to escalate, expressing yourself in that really authentic way, reading the room, reading her as best you can, being really present, respectful, but flirtatious. These are all things you can control. By focusing on what you can control, your confidence goes up because you got this. These are things you can control. And of course, the more confident you are, the more attractive you are. Every woman on the planet enjoys a confident man. So, yeah, basically, you want to focus on these controllables and let go of worrying about all the things that are outside of your control. Okay? Awesome. That's the end of today's first date episode. I'm going to do another first date episode because there's other things we didn't talk about today we still need to talk about. What to text the day after we need to talk about what if you want another date? How do you ask her out? What if you don't want another date? There's a lot of other first date things to talk about. We'll save that for next time. But thanks for being here. And again, remember, women already like you. They just have to meet the real, authentic you. Thanks for listening next time.

Connell Barrett:

Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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