Transcript:
John R. Miles:
What that taught me was that so oftentimes, we fear the unknown and we don't put ourselves out there to go after what we want.

Connell Barrett:
Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, and author Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women and find a great romantic partner and, of course, do this with authenticity. No games. No weird pick up pick up moves. This is about being your best true self. And I have a very special guest for this episode. This episode is all about how to live a life of passion, how that can make you more fulfilled and also make you more attractive to your future girlfriend and your next date.

Connell Barrett:
Because I can speak from experience here, Women are very attracted to a man who has a lot of passion in his life. My guest today is a best-selling author. His name is John r Miles, a former US Navy officer, a fortune 50 executive, and host of a great podcast called Passion Struck, which has millions of downloads and is one of the top 100 podcasts on Apple. He helps people live passion driven lives. He has a great new book out. It's excellent. I've been listening to it on Audible. It's called Passion Struck, 12 powerful principles to unlock your purpose and ignite your most intentional life.

Connell Barrett:
You can get it on Amazon, on Audible, and you can also get it in the show notes here. I'm gonna link to the Kindle version here in our show notes. John, welcome to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast.

John R. Miles:
Hey, Connell. Thank you so much for having me. Such an honor to be on your show.

Connell Barrett:
My pleasure. And I love to start with a quote from your book. Whenever I have an author on, I love to read back something that resonated with me. And at the end of your first chapter I'm listening to it yesterday at the gym, and you say, quote, fear I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. You say, quote, will fear arise with sharpened blades ready to attack? Absolutely. While it's normal to be afraid, even when we feel ready, when we face our fears with passion, perseverance, and intentionality, we will see that there really wasn't much to fear. I love that.

Connell Barrett:
Can you share a little bit more about the power of facing fear and then understanding that usually there's nothing to be afraid of?

John R. Miles:
Yeah. You know, part of that quote actually came from me studying Hilary Swank. And it's interesting when you look back at her career. And I had originally meant to focus more on her in the book. I talk about her a few times throughout it. But her life people don't really know the backstory that before she made it big in Boys Don't Cry, for which she only was paid, like, $35100. She lived for a very long time, out of a minivan of sorts, just trying to do odd ends. And, you know, what that taught me was that so oftentimes, we fear the unknown and we don't put ourselves out there to go after what we want.

John R. Miles:
And she's a great, I think, example of someone who stepped into her sharp edges, the sharpness of that fear, and utilized it to go after what she truly wanted. And then when she had her opportunity, she went for broke on it, and it transformed, not only her life, but the lives of millions now who have watched her in different movies. So YOU think when it comes to fear, we tend to be our own visionary arsonists in our own life, meaning we arson the very things that we want to build, and it's that fear, just like an arsonist that fuels this, I guess, overwhelming self belief system that we're not good enough, imposter syndrome, whatever you might wanna call it, but we can't attain the things that we're setting out in life to achieve. And so this whole book that I wrote is really about how do you break down those barriers with a formula that I've come up with to let go of that fear so that you can pursue those things that instill the most desire, fulfillment, whatever you wanna call it, hope in where you want your life to be in the future.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. In a minute, I'm gonna ask you to share what that formula is in your book Passionstruck. First, I wanna ask you if there are any memories from your past, moments when fear arose with sharpened blades. It could be a moment that fear got the better of you and won that day, or maybe a moment when you had to step into that fear and defeat the fear, and you dulled those sharp blades and you made it through the other end. Any moments from your life that jump out to you when you had to really face fear?

John R. Miles:
Yeah. I'm not sure why this one is coming to mind, but I'll just talk about how, in high school, I ran cross country and track, and I remember my entire freshman year, I was a good runner. I wouldn't say I was a great runner. And part of my issue was when I got to the starting line, I had done a lot of preparation, but I got myself so nervous, so fearful of the outcome before it even before it happened, that I would work myself into such an anxious state, sometimes throwing up before races, etcetera, that because I wasn't in a relaxed state to allow myself to get into flow, I was not allowing myself to perform nearly as well as I possibly could. And so I started, to read some books and and do some research on this when I was in high school, and I realized that if I wanted to get accustomed to what that starting line feels like and overcome that fear of the starting line, I need to start treating practice as an actual race and get into that mental conditioning that every time I step foot, whether it was a training run or us doing exercises on the track, to treat it like I was stepping into a race environment. And the more I conditioned myself to to feel like that and to prepare for it in that way and to be mentally on the go at that moment, it translated then into overwhelming success, for a young runner to, end up winning a state championship and then going on to to run division 1 cross country and track. But if I had continued to fuel that fear, I would have never gotten over it. So it was really a story of recognizing that I had to overcome it and look for tangible ways that I could do so.

Connell Barrett:
And you talk about, both in your pod and the book, about self doubt. Self doubt is one of the enemies here of people, in particular, for our audience today, a man, a professional man, a man who's working, he's got his life together, but he might not have the dating life or the social confidence that a lot of people feel like they need. And you talk about self doubt. And it's that fear of not finding out you're not enough, finding out you're not good enough for that job or good enough for that woman or good enough in some way. Is that right? Is self doubt one of the big bad wolves here?

John R. Miles:
No. I mean, it absolutely is. And I think you look at people who are at the top. I can't tell you how many CEOs and other senior leaders I've met will take this outside of dating, who have reached that pinnacle and are still so insecure about who they are, their messages, constantly questioning others about what decisions they should make. And it reminds me of a CEO I worked for in this tech company. And we used to call him the elevator CEO because whoever he rode the elevator last with, he would come out of that with a new strategic decision for the company. And he let these impulsive decisions guide his personal strategy, instead of doubling down on his key strengths. And here, we have a person who came from Procter and Gamble, was actually the person who created 2 or 3 of Procter and Gamble's biggest selling products of all time.

John R. Miles:
And you wouldn't think that a person of that pedigree would have that insecurity, but, in essence, he was filled with self doubt. Part of that self doubt came because he was going into a different environment than Procter and Gamble. He came from a brick and mortar type of focus to one that was more of a digital focus. And I think he felt, because he didn't have the same pedigree as some of the other people he was working with, that that was a disadvantage, when, actually, he should have looked at it completely differently. He should have brought out the ideas that he had from that Procter and Gamble experience and let those who worked for him fill in the gaps and be his pillars of strength in bridging his ideas with technology. Now, the same thing can happen in the dating world, where Yeah. You know, I've seen it all the time, where the person who's got the most self confidence, that's what the opposite sex or same sex is attracted to. They wanna see someone who understands their self value, understands the power that they hold, and conveys it in a way that shows self authority, self awareness, etcetera, and that truly is a superpower.

Connell Barrett:
I love that. It is a superpower to draw your worth from inside and to be first in touch with it and aware of your worthiness, your significance as a man, And also being able to project that out into the world in a positive way, in a way that's empowering. I have a really quick story that I think relates to something you just mentioned. You told that story about how sick to your stomach you used to be before a big race. I remember the very first night I ever went out to approach women. I had never done it. I was 38 years old. I had never approached a woman in my entire life.

Connell Barrett:
And about 20 minutes before I had to walk onto this rooftop lounge in New York City with my then first ever coach to approach women, I had to first go into the men's room stall, and I had a panic attack. I got the dry heaves. I basically and I wasn't drinking. It's all from nerves. And, essentially, what I now realize is that I felt in that moment that I was about to find out if I had worth and value to women. And it was that self doubt that was completely between my ears. That was a bullshit story. It was nonsense.

Connell Barrett:
But that's how it felt at that moment. So I guess my question back to you, John, is how does anyone, man, woman, anyone, how does somebody start doing that work to fix that self doubt and start to rebuild it with real self worth?

John R. Miles:
Well, I think you first have to analyze and get a firm grip of where you currently are. And I think that's one of the biggest issues that people face, is we live in a world that's facing the disease of disconnection. And the biggest disconnection that we face is understanding who we truly are and really doing a 360 evaluation on ourselves and how we're showing up to others in the world. And part of that showing up is looking at yourself in the mirror. Part of it is also seeking feedback from others in subtle ways, so you understand how you are showing up to them. And so, I think it really gets down to the core of why we need to spend time getting comfortable with ourselves, what we believe in, what we're passionate about, and using that as our fuel to then bring that out into the world. Because if you're never feeling good about who you are and your inner strengths, there's no way you're gonna be able to project that onto someone else.

Connell Barrett:
Well said. And in my program, I give men a simple practical piece of advice, which you, listener, right now, you might wanna do before this episode is over or at the end of the episode, is they literally write out 25 reasons why this is what I do with my clients. I have them write out a minimum of 25 reasons why he's a great catch for any given woman. Most men have never actually thought about this. They haven't stopped to say, what do I bring to the table? What do I offer? They're they're so busy focused on what they think they lack that they don't stop and say, I have a steady job. I'm very successful. I'm in good shape. I play the guitar.

Connell Barrett:
I have all these other cool hobbies. And after they hit that 25 that 25th reason why they were a great catch, their psychology has made a shift at least in that moment to realize wow I have a lot to bring to the table. That's one of my exercises for helping a man begin to change that story about I'm not enough or I doubt myself. Do you have any other tips or advice on how a person can really get in touch with that worth and value? Shut that self doubt voice down?

John R. Miles:
Well, as you were saying that, it took me back in time to my days in college. And, I remember at the Naval Academy when you show up, you're coming out of a high school environment where you're typically if you get into the Naval Academy or any of the service academies, you're at the pinnacle of your school. You've got good class grades, typically. You're involved in a lot of clubs, probably student council. You're typically a varsity athlete. You've got all that going for you. And when you get to the Naval Academy, you realize how normal you are compared to everyone else. It's like a friend of mine who was a big twelve all American football player and he showed up to the NFL combine thinking he was the best NFL player to ever put his shoes on, and he got there and he realized how average he was compared to everyone else.

John R. Miles:
And I remember back in those days going out with a group of midshipmen who were my friends and going to try to introduce ourselves to women, and you're constantly comparing yourself to those around you and thinking that you're not worthy of it. And I think that whole idea of worthiness is to me where it starts and ends. If you have to start building the conditioning that you are worthy to have the life you want. You're worthy to have the partner that you want. You're worthy of building the life together that you aspire to have. And it's really tapping into the vehicles that bring you worth and make you feel like you've you've had that to share with someone else because when you feel that self worth, others can feel it. It's just kind of like an aura that just comes out of your body. And it's really plugging into what are the things that make you feel alive that boost up that inner fire, that bring that worth out, into the world, so to speak.

Connell Barrett:
And what do you advise a man listening to this? He works hard. He might work 50, 60 hours a week sometimes. And he doesn't have a lot in his life other than his work, and maybe he goes to the gym, has drinks with friends once a week. Any advice for that guy to get more passion in his life, whether it's through his career or through hobbies or any other strategies you have to dial up that passion o meter?

John R. Miles:
Well, I mean, it's so easy to get stuck in that state. I mean, I will tell you I've been there myself. I remember when I was in Fortune 50 companies, it's so easy to fall in that trap where you're working 60, 70, 80, even a 100 hours a week and everything else seems to to not be the focal point because you're so darn focused on what you think is important, but truly isn't. So I think the first thing that a person needs to do is separate themselves from feeling that that's what's going to bring them fulfillment and happiness. And I remember, and I read about this in the book, one of the things that I had to do to to get through this block is I I actually went and saw a career coach who was a psychologist on top of that and, you know, he he started to talk to me about, you know, you are living basically on one cylinder, and he had me think about a stool with multiple supports, but one of my supports was weighing much heavier than than the others, and that was the constant grind. And when the constant grind is infiltrating your life, like you're talking about, the other core aspects that you want to build, whether it's your health, relationships, etcetera, go to the wayside because you're investing so much in one area. So I think the first step you have to do is to look at it to do that exercise and to figure out what are the pillars that are holding you up. And the easiest way to do that is to use the Eisenhower matrix or to look at your calendar in your pocketbook.

John R. Miles:
Like, where are you investing your time and where are you investing your money? And then you have to look at, if you want to change that, what do the pillars really look like that you want to support you? And then, I think, once you have that in mind, I think the trap we fall into is trying to go from point a to point b too quickly. And I think the best thing to do is to pick a starting point. So maybe, in order to to get the more dimensional aspects of yourself out there, and you want a hobby, maybe it's just initially starting to read a book, as an example, on the path that you want to go to and making a deliberate choice that every single day you're gonna read 10 minutes of a book, or maybe it's you want to start a gratitude practice and use that. My point is I find it much easier to start creating a habit loop out of something that's small, that's repeatable. Yeah. And what I find is that once you start making changes in one area of your life, you end up magically making changes in multiple areas of your life because that one area opens up some confidence for you to explore another area, and then almost subconsciously, you're doing more and more.

Connell Barrett:
Absolutely. You struggle with dating. Right? Sure. You have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey. I struggle with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone.

Connell Barrett:
I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I wanna personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to dating transformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my 1 on 1 coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to dating transformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend.

Connell Barrett:
When I first started working on my dating life, it was about 20 years ago. 20 years ago was when I started intentionally getting focused on improving my confidence, how to talk to women, how to approach all the things I was scared to death to do. I started saying, okay, I need to find some things I'm passionate about. And the two things that really struck me that women loved hearing about on dates was I started taking improv classes and learning the concepts of improv, which was just fun and bold and scary, and also reading a lot. I just started reading the novels that I blew off in college. I finally read Moby Dick. I finally read Huck Finn. I finally read Catcher in the Rye.

Connell Barrett:
And I had these great dates often with women who were just excited to talk about literature or talk about the acting class I just took. So I went from having essentially nothing in my life except work and a whole lot of self doubt to, okay. I don't know exactly if I'm a fit for this woman, but, hey, if she likes talking about books or likes talking with a guy who's excited about his hobby, then I could see women respond to the passion I was sharing with them on the date.

John R. Miles:
Well, if all you have to talk about is your job and that's where your identity completely lies, I mean, it's gonna be a disaster because who wants to date someone who's married to their job?

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Yeah. I'm not married to my job, but, but we're in a very deep, passionate relationship. I'll say that. Tell me if this is an example of passion working on a date. I remember when I first started reading a lot. So I think here's the power of passion. I was on a date once with a beautiful woman named Lane.

Connell Barrett:
And at the time, I was really immersing myself in reading about presidents and history. I was reading all about Abraham Lincoln, and I must have spent 20 minutes talking about Abraham Lincoln to this beautiful woman on a date. And the crazy thing, John, she was into it. She was actually, sitting on the edge of her seat, really engrossed in my talking about Doris Kearns Goodwin's book, Team of Rivals. And maybe it's just because she liked me, and if it was important to me, the topic was important to her. But I remember thinking, wow. When I'm really passionate about something, then a lot of women seem to be into that topic, at least for a little while. That's not dating advice I would give most men, talk about presidents for a half hour.

Connell Barrett:
But it worked with me, and I think it worked because of that idea of an aura that I was giving off.

John R. Miles:
Well, it could have been, I think it depends on the woman you're talking to. It sounds like you were talking to someone who is an intellectual or more willing to immerse herself into that. Now, personally, I think some people might hear the topic of Abraham Lincoln and without even wanting to explore it more, push it aside without realizing how much that you can learn from his life. I I mean, it's amazing when you go back and examine him how interesting it is and how much of a conversation starter that could be, which my point here is that when you're dating, you might not think of that as as a core conversation starter, but, like, for so many years until he was in his mid thirties, mid to late thirties, Lincoln thought he was a piece of driftwood just aimlessly bouncing off one thing to the next. And if you follow his career trajectory, that's exactly what he was doing. I mean, he went from job to job, from shopkeeper to surveyor to politician to lawyer, back to politician, back to lawyer. I mean, he had such a lack of passion for a while in his life that when he finally found what that passion was, which was to rid the world or the United States of slavery, it ignited in him and took fire. And I think it's a great story for a date, actually, because it gives you so much to talk about, you know, what's your journey been like? How have you found your passion? Which could lead into, you know, various conversation starters for someone.

John R. Miles:
Such an interesting topic.

Connell Barrett:
How to get girls by talking about Abraham Lincoln, my next book. You can write the foreword. I wanna come back to this concept of facing fear, because I just think it's so valuable for men dating or just men in their careers, in their life searching for intention and passion and self improvement. You talk about what you call a fear confronter. I love that term. Fear confronts. And you talk about Hilary Swank as you mentioned in your book, you talk about Novak Djokovic. I'm a big tennis fan among others.

Connell Barrett:
And you also share a little tip that I also tell my guys I say do something every day that scares you. Now I'm talking through the lens of dating. Ask out your crush. Say the flirtatious thing to the cute barista. Approach that woman who is intriguing to you. But in your area of who you help and work with or outside of the realm of dating, what are some of the daily rituals of confronting fear and taking fearful actions that you think can bring real value to somebody's life?

John R. Miles:
Yeah. A good friend of mine wrote this book, Scare Your Soul. And in it, Scott really talks about the core. It's a great companion to my book because that's really, to your point, what you need to do. You really need to challenge yourself on a daily basis to push the boundaries, the self imposed limits that you place upon yourself. And this is another area where I think we complicate what those barriers have to be because we make these challenges almost insurmountable in our mind. Instead of looking in at them as small boundary shifts. So similar to you, I love to improv. I think we're gonna possibly do this more in the interview.

John R. Miles:
But when I started to go down this path, part of the reason I was doing it is I was trying to get more into public speaking again, and I hadn't done it in a number of years. And so, for me, the thought of getting up there on the stage and, having to be in front of a group of people was quite intimidating, because my backstory is, I've had a number of traumatic brain injuries, and they caused me it's probably not apparent as you're watching this, but it causes me to have, speech impediment, and I oftentimes think ahead of speaking or vice versa. So sometimes, things come out of my mouth that I don't mind that I don't want to. So a whole bunch of things. And you could sit there and ruminate on that forever, or you can choose to do something about it. And the only way you're gonna get over things like that is by getting out there and doing it. So improv to me was a great way to start leaning into that. But I remember when I first showed up and the way our improv class went was we did a number of games before we actually went into the improv class and started to do improv.

John R. Miles:
And these games immediately put you in an uncomfortable place. And I remember one of the first ones we did was this game where we picked a random partner or we were kind of told to turn around and then we had to stare at them for 5 minutes straight and then were asked to make facial expressions to kind of, convey what we were thinking in our mind to give them a subliminal message. And I don't care who you are, staring at someone you don't know for 5 minutes is a hard thing to do. My point, though, with this is once you condition yourself to do things like this, and that's a hard task, it gets so much easier. So one of the things I try to do for my community is in my newsletter, every single week, I put out a weekly challenge that goes to the solo episode that I do for that week. So this past week, I did a solo episode on gratitude. So I put a 7 day challenge in there, that I try to do myself, so then I'm giving the listeners or readers tips that they can do to expand their courage muscles every single day by just taking a small step in the right direction that you wanna go. And I think that's the way you have to do it.

Connell Barrett:
Beautiful. I love that episode. I'm a big fan of gratitude. I call it my morning ritual. I have my clients do the confidence kickoff. Tony Robbins calls it the hour of power. There's a miracle morning. It's all basically the same concept, which is getting in touch with gratitude and understanding how many wonderful gifts you have in your life so that you start every day coming off from a really powerful positive sense of, of not lacking anything.

Connell Barrett:
At least that's my interpretation of my confidence kickoff and the confidence kickoff I have my clients do. Could you talk a little bit about the gratitude exercises you have your clients do or any gratitude tips you have for our listener?

John R. Miles:
Yes. Well, specifically, I'm gonna talk about both and thinking. We are so conditioned in Western society by stoicism and so much of the Western teachings we burn up to, that we get conditioned to things have to be either or. And when it comes to gratitude, what I was specifically exploring in this recent episode was using gratitude to help navigate pain or challenges. And for me, I used, you know, 2 examples from my life. 1 was, my sister unfortunately lost her battle with pancreatic cancer earlier in the year, followed up by a few months later, we were severely impacted by hurricane Helene and had 3 feet of water in our house. So, it's so amazing because you see pictures of people who experience natural disasters on Instagram or wherever you wanna look on the news, And I I swear until it happens to you, you don't realize the magnitude of loss and devastation that comes with it. And it's hard at those moments to feel gratitude for anything, especially when you're on top of that enduring loss of a loved one.

John R. Miles:
So to me, where both and thinking really comes into play is challenging yourself so that you can allow yourself to feel both the immense feelings of devastation, those big feelings of loss, of hurt, and have gratitude on the other side of it. Gratitude that, you know, I got to spend so many years of my life with an incredible woman who influenced me in so many ways, gratitude that I was there just hours before she died, so I could hear her final thoughts and wishes, you know, the devastation of feeling the loss of losing everything, of seeing pictures of your kids and paintings, that they created that, were were in, for lack of a better word, shit water, that you're never gonna be able to get back. But the gratitude that you had those memories and that those memories are alive and that everyone is safe and that you can rebuild. And it gives my fiance and I a shot that we don't have to hold on to our old possessions, but instead we can build a new life together in gratitude for what that life can be. So I would tell people that easier ways to do this is to look at what challenges that you might be facing just today. You know, is it a deadline from work that you're facing? Is it a challenge that maybe you said something you shouldn't have to a loved one? Maybe it's you you haven't shown up the way you would like to, for your kids. And then how can you spin that so that you recognize both the condition that you have those faults and the opportunity that you have to write them and do something on the other side of it that lifts that person up, that takes that stress away by maybe giving yourself the gift of a workout or, the gift of listening to a podcast or the gift of showing gratitude that you can listen to music and balance out the stress that you're feeling?

Connell Barrett:
Powerful. Very powerful. I'm sorry for your loss, John. A few months ago, I lost my biggest sister, Kelly. And she was in her mid sixties. She had a heart condition, and it wasn't a surprise when it happened. But it was very sad. And I tried to employ the concepts you just mentioned, not that I was familiar with at the time.

Connell Barrett:
But I applied both and thought to the best of my ability. I remember thinking, I miss her, my big sister. I was more like her than any other of my siblings. But at the same time, I said I'm so grateful that I had her in my life for as long as we did, and she lived much longer than she was supposed to. Now what does this have to do with dating? It doesn't really have anything to do with dating other than it reminded me that no matter what was to happen that day in my dating life, or in my business life for that matter, that I can handle it. The big picture things, the the love I've had from my siblings, from my sister Kelly, the health I have, being lucky lucky enough to be born with a healthy heart unlike her, I just remember feeling, well, I'm I'm I miss her so much, but it was such a gift to have her in my life. And that can put getting ghosted into perspective. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:
Or a bad date or a bad business meeting or what have you. So, I think we're both on the same page there about gratitude with our siblings.

John R. Miles:
Yeah. You know, and and it's, it just reminded me of my sister who was divorced and, when she was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she was single. And I remember her saying to me, you know, how am I ever gonna find love again in my life? Like, who would ever want to date someone who's being diagnosed with potentially a terminal illness? And it really made me think about what it would be like to be in her shoes, wanting and needing and probably longing for love and support in that situation and feeling desperate on the other side that she wouldn't be able to find it. And I kind of just leaned into her and said, you know, it's easy to think that way, but the right person who loves you for the right reasons is going to see beyond that and and want to fulfill you for as long as they possibly can and, you know, should instill you with the hope that no matter how bleak things seem, there's a reason to fight and a potential to to take action and and try to to defeat the things in front of you.

Connell Barrett:
Well said. Well said. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's gonna help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool sexy women starting today.

Connell Barrett:
It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are gonna make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the Flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to dating transformation.com/flirty30. And that's flirty30. Datingtransformation.com/flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. Couple final points here, John, and we can wrap up.

Connell Barrett:
I do wanna talk a little bit about your unique expertise in the area of business, of men and women who are working. I'm intrigued by this area, the area of businesses and success in the career. What I have my clients do is I basically say to them, let's think of your dating life as a business, and let's get multiple funnels of good leads coming into your dating life. Just like a business needs lots of clients and revenue, your dating life needs an abundance of good potential dates, and there's different ways to meet women. So I think of a man's dating life almost like we're rebranding him in a very authentic, attractive way and bringing in some new leads. When you're coaching your clients or when you're talking at one of your keynote events, which I assume is very geared toward the corporate world, what are some of the more practical tips and strategies you give people in their careers to find that passion?

John R. Miles:
Well, what I'd love to talk about right now is the topic of mattering. I think we're. I think we hear these things all the time of chronic hopelessness and people facing loneliness in the world and people who feel battered, bored, however you however you wanna say it. And throughout so much of the world, we've had so much political turmoil and everything else, it's easy to feel those things. But I think at the crux of this is a feeling of un-matterment. I think whether it's in your personal life or professionally, this lack of feeling significance is at the heart of a lot of these symptoms that we're feeling. So, I mean, I'll apply this to the dating world. If you want someone to reciprocate love to you, attraction to you, I think there's 3 aspects of matter that that I talk to that could be applied here as well. The first thing is you have to matter to yourself.

John R. Miles:
We've talked a lot about building self worth today, getting over self limiting beliefs. But at the core of that, it's really our own sense of feeling significance, of feeling we matter, of feeling that we are bringing value to the world. Then there are 2 other sides of mattering. One is us feeling that we matter to others. So I think that's where a lot of our confidence or lack of it shows up is do we feel like we hold weight in the presence of others? Do we feel like others care about our well-being? Do they recognize our inherent capabilities? Do you portray them the right way so that people are receptive to that? And then I think the third lens of mattering is our ability to show others that they matter. And I think this is one of the biggest keys if you're looking at a relationship or dating, is how are you showing up for someone else so that they feel like they matter, like they hold significance, like you view them as the central point in your life and that their interests, their passions truly matter to you. Because if you want them to reciprocate, you have to show to them that they matter. And so I think that those 3 concentric circles, people don't look at that enough.

John R. Miles:
And to me, this is where intentionality, which I talk a lot about, comes at the core of this, because intentionality is really about self control. It's making the choices for how we want to show up in the moments that make up our days. So are you making choices where you are building yourself up to hold significance? Are you making choices where you are making others feel like they matter? And are you doing the things to project and show up in a way that others are going to feel like you matter? And to me, that all comes down to the choices that we make, the people we surround ourselves with, the environments that we put ourselves into.

Connell Barrett:
Well said. One last question, then we'll play a little improv game. We'll go out with some fun little date tips that the listener can try out. I'm curious about this, though. One of the things I work with my clients on is how they talk about their job, in a sentence or 2, how they describe what they do. Because every woman asks every man on a date or maybe when they're texting before the date, what do you do? Tell me about your job, your career. And it's important to know how to talk about your job and career. And I'll talk about what I give my clients to do in a second.

Connell Barrett:
But I'm curious. How do you want people to talk about what they do when they describe their career, their profession?

John R. Miles:
I think the worst question that there is is what do you do? And I'm gonna go all the way back to Hilary Swank because she's such an easy example. She could say, I'm an actress. She could say, I'm a producer. She could say, I'm a wife. I'm a mother. When she is asked that question, what she says to people is I'm a storyteller, and I want to change people's lives through the stories that I tell, throughout my life, whether it's the the stories I'm able to share with my kids, the stories I'm able to bring to life as a producer, the stories I'm able to act and bring to life on the big screen. And I think when we think about that question, it's so easy to self identify with what we do for work instead of how we wanna show up in the world and the service that we're trying to provide to the world to make it a little bit better of a place.

Connell Barrett:
Right. What I have my clients do is we give them or we come up with a 1 or 2 a 2 a one liner or a 2 liner. A good answer. I'm I'm I never teach men scripted lines or scripted pickup BS. But if you know you're gonna get the same question, it's good to have a good answer. So what I have them do actually is aligned with what you teach. I say, let's come up with a way to describe your job in a way that taps into the passion you have for it. So for example, I have a client named Vijay.

Connell Barrett:
And Vijay is a professor, and he's also an expert in the human body. I forget his title, but it's about optimal physical performance. And he used to just answer that question in a very mechanical way. Oh, I'm an assistant professor at this school. This is my title. It's a very logical analytical answer. And we had him juice the answer with some passion, and it talked about how he said, oh, I'm a mad scientist. I help people transform their bodies so they live their most ultimate, vital, fit, amazing selves.

Connell Barrett:
And I just felt so much better to him to talk about his job that way, and it also made a woman light up a little bit more saying, oh, really? You're a mad scientist? You transform bodies? Tell me more. So anyway, the passion I love is giving my clients a mission to talk about their career in a way that if they don't have a cool sounding job, not everybody is the shortstop for the New York Yankees. Right? So if you're an engineer, if you're a software coder, how do you talk about what you're passionate about for your job instead of just giving the facts and figures for what you do.

John R. Miles:
No. I think that's very, I mean, it's very important. I guess I would think back to my time as a CIO at Dell. And if someone would ask me that question, instead of saying I'm the CIO of Dell, I could say I help people create the power to do more.

Connell Barrett:
That's good.

John R. Miles:
Yes. More with technology, more with capabilities, you know, because underlying any company today is the technology enablement that it does, and it really gives people the ability to do more with their jobs.

Connell Barrett:
Yeah. Well, you did something there that I also want my listener to do. If he has a classically acceptable but not exciting job, ask yourself, what does your how does your job help people? What does it allow you to do in terms of contributing, giving back? And if you can talk about your job through the lens of, oh, I'm a software coder at x y z company. I help people get access to health care and heal themselves with my programming. At least now we're talking about how you give back instead of just being a robot talking about what you do. Okay. Let's finish up with this. You and I have something in common.

Connell Barrett:
We both like to improv. Improv comedy is one of my favorite things to do in the world. Yes. I have a lot of passion for it. And it's actually one of the best things any man can do, any single man can do, besides work with a great dating coach or get good advice from people like me, is take an improv class. Because improv teaches playfulness, teaches presence, teaches active listening, and it's just fun. And I love doing it. I love giving my clients little games to play on dates, basically improv games. So are you up for playing a quick little 60 second improv game with me right now?

John R. Miles:
Sure. Let's go for it.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. I'll give you 2 options. Your choice. We can play 1 of 2 games. One game is called ABC, where we have a conversation, and the first letter of every sentence is the next letter in the alphabet. So I might start off by saying, are you having fun on my podcast? And your next sentence would start with a b, and my next sentence would start with a c. So that's game 1 number 1, option number 1. Option 2, John, is we can play what I call, love hate cafe, which is I have an improv and improv generator right here, and it'll give us a suggestion.

Connell Barrett:
And we can take turns saying what we either love or hate about the thing that came up. And it can be pretend hate. It doesn't have to be actually negative hate. So do you wanna play love hate cafe, or do you wanna play the ABC sentence game?

John R. Miles:
Let's love and hate cafes.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. Great. Alright. Your suggestion is, I'll let you start because you're my guest, it is peanut butter. What do you either love or hate about peanut butter?

John R. Miles:
I hate how much peanut butter sticks to the top of my mouth.

Connell Barrett:
I love how much peanut butter sticks to the top of my mouth because it allows me to keep my mouth shut and stop yacking all the time and stop annoying my girlfriend. Okay. My turn. The suggestion that came up for me is the word doors. So that makes me think of the band. The Doors, I hate The Doors. I think Jim Morrison is so overrated. He had a one octave range, and their songs take away the keyboard sound, and every Doors song is bland and boring.

Connell Barrett:
I hate The Doors. Why do you either love or hate The Doors?

John R. Miles:
I love The Doors because I think that they have stood the test of time. Their songs resonate with people today just as much as they did, when they were written, regardless of what you think of Jim Morrison's talent or not. People feel a message when they hear his voice and when they hear their music.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. Last one. The last suggestion is Batman. I'll let you take this one or start. Why do you either love or hate Batman or whatever Batman makes you think of?

John R. Miles:
So I would say I love Batman because he is the unexpected hero. I almost look at him like he's an everyday hero, because he really doesn't have a superpower. All the superpowers he has are built on his belief system and the gadgets that he has to make change in the world. It's not as if he was born with extraordinary strength or speed or is able to to have laser vision like so many other people do, but yet he is really fighting for the cause of making Gotham City a better place to live and trying to root out evil in

Connell Barrett:
I love

John R. Miles:
it. The best compassionate way that he can.

Connell Barrett:
I hate Batman because he wears tights, and I think men look stupid in tights. Alright. So that's a fun little game you can play at home I should say on dates. On a date, you could just talk with a woman about things you love or hate. Now don't make don't make it actual hate. Make it silly, absurd hate. But we wanna bring a lot of playfulness and presence and active listening to a date. So feel free to play a game like love hate on your next date, and you and your date might find out it's a blast.

Connell Barrett:
John, thank you so much for being here. I wanna end by asking you if there's anything you wanna share with our listener about how they can learn more about you and also perhaps share a little bit about your keynote speaking.

John R. Miles:
Well, thank you so much, and thank you for having me on the show. And I I haven't had to use the Passion Start construct for relationships. So it was an interesting interview for me from that standpoint. But if you wanna learn more about me, personally, you can go to my website, John R. Miles. If you wanna learn more about what we're doing with Passionstruck, you can go to passionstruck, dot com, which has the podcast, the book and everything else. And I am, really, enthusiastic about spreading the word, about living a life of significance. And I can tailor this message to both corporate events, where it's like how do you develop a passion to start a culture where employees feel like they matter, or I can tailor this to associations or individual events if you're looking for personal development.

John R. Miles:
And if you wanna learn more about my speaking, see that reel, etcetera, the best place to do that is on the John r Miles website.

Connell Barrett:
Thank you, John R Miles. His book is Passionstruck. His podcast is Passionstruck. And I'll end with one more quote I love from your book. Quote, your passion is the most powerful force you have. When you align your actions with it, you unlock your fullest potential. And in dating, I believe the most powerful force in dating is being your authentic real self. So thank you very much for listening.

Connell Barrett:
Go out there. Take courageous authentic action. And don't forget, you're a dream girlfriend. She's out there and she already likes you. She's going to love you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. So carpe diem seized the date. Till next time.