Connell Barrett: I used to feel so out of my league with beautiful women. I mean, I I was a Toledo Mud Hen playing in Yankee Stadium.

Welcome to the dating transformation podcast. Here's your host, dating Coach Connell Barrett

All right. Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I am your host, Connell Barrett. I'm a dating coach who helps men like you gain confidence, learn to flirt, and get a great girlfriend. And I'm going to get right to the good stuff today. You know what my pet peeves are about? Podcasts or podcasts, where the first four minutes are the host or host talking about their morning, their day, their shower, their coffee. They're just kind of making lame small talk. And let's get right to the good stuff because this is a special episode of the Dating Transformation podcast. Today I'm going to give you the secret weapon for confidence, for dating success and getting more dates and getting a great girlfriend. And I hate to sound like a marketer when I say that, like, here's your secret weapon. Because the truth is, there's not a silver bullet in dating. It's a complex challenge, but the closest thing there is to a silver bullet is what I'm going to talk about today, which is becoming what I call radically authentic. And that is the closest thing there is to a secret weapon, a secret sauce. In other words, it's about going from putting on a false front or using pickup artist tricks and showing women the true, most confident, badass, authentic and genuine version of you. So if you're struggling with approaching anxiety, if you're not sure what to say, if you're lacking dates or just lacking self confidence with women and you want dates and success and love and to get a great girlfriend, then this is definitely the kind of a core, flagship episode for you. Because today is all about doing the single most important thing. I don't have a lot of deal breakers with the guys I work with and my coaching advice, but the two deal breakers are you've got to be authentic and real because life's too short not to be yourself. Be authentic. And the other deal breaker is we've got it. As men, we have to and must date with integrity and respect for women, liking and respecting women. And what's wonderful about radical authenticity is that this allows you to dovetail those things. Be yourself, but also be a good guy, a nice guy, a gentleman who likes women. And this is what works. So let's get into it. Let's get to the really good stuff. Let me start with a story, and I want to talk about the first night I really kind of got to see The Matrix here. It was in the late two thousand s. And it was in , I think. Yeah, July of . And I was out in the town with my very first dating coach. I was out at a rooftop bar in New York City. And I had never approached women before in my entire life. I was years old that I'd never once approached a woman. And I was talking to this really pretty girl named Kelly on the rooftop bar in New York City in the shadow of the Empire State Building. And it was going great. We were clicking and really hitting it off. I got her phone number and we were being vulnerable and real with each other, too. I was telling her all about my past as a chubby, unpopular little kid they called Mac Truck. And she was opening up to me about her nickname was Mosquito Bites when she was a little girl. So we're having a great time being really vulnerable with each other. And what she didn't know is that I was out on the town that night with my first ever dating coach, who was basically telling me who to approach and what to say and how to talk to them and basically how to be attractive to women. So, yeah, what she didn't know was that I was a guy out on the town with his friends. What she didn't know is I paid $, to a dating coach. And the reasons are just because I was tired of feeling lonely. I was tired of dealing with approaching anxiety. I'd been rejected a lot. I was just so tired of seeing really attractive women out in the world, like at bars, parks, or at the gym, and just being too afraid to talk to them. And I was just done doubting myself and feeling rejected by women. So I paid this dating coach to take me out for the weekend. And so it was really exciting when I was vibing with Kelly, and there was one moment that really stands out. So Kelly and I were talking and I said, hey, I'm going to go get us more drinks. When I came back with our drinks, a couple of vodka sodas, she was surrounded by these three Wall Street bros. Not surrounded, but ringed by them and was talking to them and this handsome wavy haired guy in the middle. She was really getting into him. He had her twirling her hair and giggling. And when I came back with our drinks, I assumed that Kelly and I would just pick up where we left off, but I was wrong. I gave her her drink and she took it without even breaking eye contact with this cool wavy haired guy and just took the drink and went back talking to him. And minutes ago, I was her date, and now I felt like I was her waiter. And so I got in my head and was very nervous and I said, hey, should we go downstairs? And she basically ignored me. And then Mr. Wavy Hair's Wingmen, these two other Wall Street dudes, sort of closed the circle, boxed me out of this group, and all of a sudden, I felt like I lost my girl. My girl is now talking to a cool, wavy haired Wall Street bro. And here I am, back stuck by myself. And of course, the whole point of having a dating coach out in the town with me was for him to help me. I went over to my coach and I told him what was going on. And I said, hey, what do I do, man? Should I say some cool lines? Should I try to decimate him with some kind of, like, a tease or a NEG? And should I talk to some other girl? Should I try to make Kelly jealous by talking to another girl in front of her? And I was thinking all these things about all these different moves that I read on quote, unquote pickup and dating forums. And my coach, he was going by the name Ryan. Not his real name, but that's the name he used. Ryan said, Just go take her away from him. And I said, what do you mean, go take her away? And he said, well, she was with you, right? You guys were hitting it off? And I said, yeah, we've been talking for about a half hour. We traded phone numbers. We were having a really nice time. So we were kind of together, even though we hadn't kissed or anything like that. And so Ryan said, well, she likes you, but she wants to see if you're going to go after what you want. Basically, it's survival of the fittest. And so he said, basically, hey, she's going to leave here tonight with either you or him. It's either going to be you tonight or this Wall Street, wavy haired dude. Who do you want her to go home with or at least hang out with? And I said, I want it to be me. So he said, well, then go after it. He said something I still remember to this day. And I tell my clients this to assert your ideal outcome. Decide what you want and go after it. And then he said, if she was your girlfriend and she was flirting with another guy in front of you, would you just give up? What would you do? And I said, I got all kinds of stoked. I got in the zone. And I said, Hell, no. I wouldn't stand for that. I would go over there and I would take her back. She's mine. She's my girl, right? Or at least she's my girlfriend. And he said, well, go over there with the same mentality. Go take her back. And I said, what do you mean, what do I say? How do I take her back? He's like, don't overthink it. Just speak your deepest truth. Go over there. Be a man and speak your deepest truth and just let the chips fall. So this got me so motivated, and the adrenaline was flowing, and I just beelined toward Kelly, and I broke into this circle that these three guys had created. And I grabbed her by their hand. I took her hand, and I commanded, and I said I kept eye contact because I didn't want to act like a total caveman, so I wanted to maintain eye contact for a sort of sense of safety and connection, but also I was very commanding. And I took her hand, and I said, Come with me now. And she said, Bye, guys, as I sort of half yanked her away. And I led her to this nearby bench. And these investment wankers didn't utter a word, and they didn't follow. And I felt like I was in charge now. So she and I sat down, and I wasn't sure what to say, but I remembered my coach's words. Speak your deepest truth. And then the right words came, and I said to her, hey, I like you. You're really smart and soulful and sexy, but it's not cool to just go talk to some other guy and make me jealous. You and I were together, and all of a sudden you're talking to the other guy. That's not cool. And I half expected her to splash me in the face with her kettle one, but she actually leaned in closer. She starts twirling her hair and biting her lip, and I realized, holy shit, this is actually turning her on. And she said, you just yank me away from those guys like you own me or something. But she said it with a smile, and she said it with a bit of flirtatiousness, and I could tell it was a test. I could tell she wanted to see if I was going to apologize or kind of double down. So I didn't back down. And I said and the thing was, in that moment, I've never felt so confident, so strong, at least around women anyway. And I said, I don't own you. I barely know you, but I really like you so far, and I want to get to know you better. And then I said this and the listener, I still can't believe these words came out of my mouth at that time. And then I said, and when I want something, I go after it, and I want you now. Until that moment, years old, I had never made a woman swoon. I had never made a woman swoon. But she sort of just melted when I said that. And then I leaned in and we kissed, and we were together for the rest of the night, which ended at my apartment. She spent the night. And I remember the next morning, I'm lying in bed, and I'm just kind of staring at Kelly as she sleeps. It sounds creepy, I know, and I remember I even lightly poked her shoulder just to make sure she was really there, because I had never approached a woman before, and I'd never had someone this beautiful in my bed and I just remember feeling really fantastic inside. But I felt unsteady because I'd always thought that I was just that nerdy, introverted loser who had to settle for less in his love life. But now I was asking new questions. I was asking questions like, wait, can you really just walk up to somebody, to a woman, be yourself, and she'll like you? And I also started asking myself, well, if this is possible, what else is possible? And it turns out a lot more is possible, as I found out over the coming years. Why did I tell that story? No, you don't have to vanquish a bunch of Wall Street dudes to bring a wonderful woman into your life. Usually, you don't need to face that kind of obstacle. The story I just wanted to illustrate the essential values courage, authenticity, authentic expression, resilience, the kind of values, the tools that will improve your dating life and get you the kinds of results, confidence, and, of course, kind of girls you want to date until you settle down with a really wonderful woman. And essentially, that story is really about a dating philosophy that I call radical authenticity. Now, radical authenticity? What does that mean? It means being fully grounded in who you are at your core, your deepest, truest, most awesome self, and then putting that guy, that amazing guy, in charge of your dating life. It also means speaking honest thoughts, taking honest action, and all while leaning into what it is that makes you you. So it's a very potent approach to dating that unlocks the door to the kind of dating results that you want. So why did Kelly choose me that night instead of a richer, handsome, or cooler guy like Mr. Waiver? And the reason is that the courage and the vulnerability that I showed elevated me in her eyes. She saw more value in me than she saw in my competition. And actually, a few days after that night, I told this story to a friend. And my friend said to me, that doesn't sound like you at all. But actually, when I told Kelly that, hey, I want you. You're mine tonight, I'd never felt more like me. Because that insecure, self doubting dweeb I had been presenting to women was the impostor. He was the fake guy. And that candid, confident man was the real best me, was the true me. Although he was new to me, though. He was new to me in the area of dating. But that confident guy had been a regular fixture in other parts of my life. Because at the time I had a regular job. I had a great magazine job that I loved. I was an editor at a golf magazine. So I had a kick ass magazine editing job. I had a great circle of friends. I could play a great game of golf. I was doing well, had a great family, great friends, and health. Basically, in most areas of life. I had a real sense of achievement. But if you asked me to go approach a good girl, I would morph into this jittery, armpit stained loser who would just quake in the presence of this mysterious species called a female. So why did dichotomy, why was I super confident in some areas of life, but not in with women? And the reason is because everyone, you, me, pretty much everybody, we all have two selves. We have a higher self and we have a lower self. Your higher self is that hero version of you. Any area of your life, any arena that brings you joy, fulfillment, confidence. You're results oriented, but you're present. Basically, you feel amazing. And yourself. Your higher self is running the show. He's in charge. He's confident, focused, and authentic. Basically, he's at full potential, okay? So if you love that job, if you sculpted amazing biceps, if you're raising as, if you're a single dad raising amazing kids, and you love being a dad, the superhero higher self is that side of you who's running the show. But every superhero has an arch villain, right? Superman has LUTH. Lexor. Superman has LUTH. Lexor has also lex Luthor Spiderman had the Green Goblin. And your higher self has a villain. And that's your lower self. And your lower self is the fearful, doubtful part of you who's been botching up your love life. It's that voice that says, don't approach her, she's out of your league. It's the version of you who just has self doubt, doesn't believe in himself. And most, if not all, of your dating problems stem from your lower self. So higher self is equal to you at your best. Your lower self is you at your worst. Quick sidebar, I'm a Star Wars nerd, and I love the original trilogy because our hero learns that he has these Jedi powers all along. He just had to channel them. And your higher self is the Jedi who's within you, the dating Jedi who can get you great dating results. Or as my former client Ken put it, he said, authenticity is to dating as the Force is to Luke Skywalker. So, yeah, we can't forget who the bad guy is because there's a really great power in understanding your enemy. So, what I do with my clients is on the first day of training with me, especially when I go out on the town, and I go out in the town of New York City, and I wingman men, I coach them. I'm literally their wingman, shoulder to shoulder, helping them approach, talk, to, attract, date pretty girls, helping them say what to say. But before we do all that fun stuff, on the first day of training, I have my clients give their lower selves a name, a nickname, to make them cringe.

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates, and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks. But it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon bestselling book Dating Sucks, But You don't. Your STEP BY STEP Guide to Attracting wonderful women and Doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach Connell Barrett has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into Dating Sucks, but You Don't, so that you can confidently approach women and get dates, become magnetic and attractive. Even if you're not tall or great looking, always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find Dating Sucks, But You Don't on Amazon or wherever books are sold in paperback, kindle and Audiobook get Dating Sucks, But You Don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

Connell Barrett: So, for example, my client Freddie came to me because he had really bad approach anxiety. Like, his hands would literally shake at the thought of approaching a cute girl. So he named his lower self Frightened Freddie. My lower self name back in the day was Connie, because Connie was the name I had in grade school. Reminds me of the chubby, ginger afro dork I was. I was not popular. I'm very introverted, naturally, and I just, yeah. So Connie is my lower self. So then what I have my clients do is I have them recall a specific moment of awesomeness, like a time in their life when they felt fulfilled and confident and present. So think of this sort of like a mental snapshot from your past, and it can be anything from the time you cross that finish line at the marathon or maybe jamming on the electric guitar in a band or laughing with close friends and family. So, basically, I have my clients identify that higher self and give that guy a name. So, for example, frightened Freddie's higher self name became Frederick. Frederick the Great, and Frederick the Great became that guy who could approach women almost anywhere. My higher self name, by the way, is so stupid that it's brilliant. My higher self name is Connell fucking Barrett because Connie means loneliness and doubt and approach anxiety and datelessness and all kinds of pain. But Connell fucking Barrett is a kick ass dating coach. I have a beautiful girlfriend. I get great results from my clients. Connell fucking Barrett is me at my best self. So, yeah, think of this as the lower self contains all the pain and doubt that's contributed to your sucky dating life. But your higher self has bottomless confidence. He can get lots of dates. He has a sense of truth, originality, and uniqueness. And think of your higher self not as a persona or a mask. Nor is your higher self you after three drinks, although alcohol can do a temporary impression of him, but it's not sustainable for obvious reasons. Your higher self is you, that inner you who's buried beneath layers of doubt and fears. Kind of like that priceless gleaming diamond encased beneath the worthless igneous rock. Okay? And so what this episode is about is about drilling down to that higher self and putting him in charge of your dating life and getting rid of that lower self and putting him against a wall with putting a blindfold on him and giving him a cigarette and putting him to death. So let's talk about how we do this here. So radical authenticity, basically, when you channel your authentic best self, what you're doing is you're doing two things that are very powerful because a lot of guys say, hey, why does this work? How does radical authenticity work? And basically when you become radically authentic, you're giving women two very powerful things. You're giving them trust. And that creates attraction. So you're making women feel attraction and trust. She's attracted to you because it takes confidence to unapologetically be yourself, right? And confidence is intoxicating to women, to people in general, but obviously we're talking about women in dating. And she also begins to trust you as she sees that you're an honest, true man, right? Because as a single woman, I guarantee you she's heard more lies than an NYPD polygraph expert. So when you're authentic, you're signaling to her that you're a guy she can finally trust. And when there's both attraction and trust, that's when you create a real amazing connection. So being authentic is powerful in any walk of life, but in dating it's especially rare, which actually makes it way more potent because, hey, when you put your real self on the line, you stand out. Authenticity is not just what women crave, but it also allows you to create a vibe that's more fun, more connecting, and just more exciting. So yeah, let me run through seven real quick benefits rewards you're going to get when you make this shift and become what I call radically authentic. So seven quick benefits. Number one is you have more confidence when you align your thoughts, your words and your actions with your most pure self. You're going to feel more free, you're going to stand taller, talk louder, become comfortable in your own skin, and you're basically going to stop hiding those true parts of yourself to the world. And that helps you essentially just become more confident in who you are. So you get instant confidence. Number two is you become magnetic to women who like your type. Because remember, women have a th sense for a guy who knows himself and believes in himself. I mean, it takes anvil sized balls to be real and vulnerable in dating. And women appreciate and love a guy who can be vulnerable, real, put his real self out there. So number two is you become magnetic to women. Number three is you can create genuine connections, right? Genuine connections. When you're authentic, you essentially are getting what's called what I call being emotionally naked. And if you're emotionally naked, then she gets the green light to become emotionally naked. Two vulnerable, authentic people, it's going to be easier to create a real connection. The fourth benefit of being radically authentic is you get in touch with your worth. You feel more worthy. You know you're worth it because when you're authentic, you send a powerful message to yourself and to her that says, hey, I'm enough. I'm in any woman's league. And then when you know you're enough, it's that feeling of knowing you're enough for any given woman. That fear of rejection subsides because your worth is not on the line anymore. The fifth benefit of becoming radically authentic is you know what to say. Many guys struggle with finding the right words and when they're talking to girls, right? And if you feel that your words are insufficient, it's often because you fear that you are insufficient. However, when you're radically authentic, a powerful paradox kicks in and you stop straining for the right thing to say and you just simply speak freely. And that's when the right words come, and you always know what to say and never run out of things to say. So yeah. And number six, the th benefit of becoming radically authentic is it elevates other areas of your life. It's like a rising tide that lifts all your boats. Because when you've freed up all these untold gigabytes of mental ram, all of a sudden you have more space to put into other areas, like your fitness, your friendships, your career. So there are a lot of holistic benefits to becoming truly authentic because we're not just doing this with women. I want you to do this in your whole life. Right? This is about becoming a radically authentic, true version of yourself. That's the third benefit. And of course, the benefit. This might go without saying, but basically your dating life starts to really get some nice results. You feel confident. Women notice that. And you can essentially open up a whole new world of dating abundance where more women are attracted to you and you're able to go out and have dates with more quality women, quote unquote. And that just means finding a woman who you find attractive both inside and out. And then eventually choosing a great girlfriend is so much easier to do when you get to that point where you say, hey, Jennifer and Ashley and Emily, these were all really cool women, and I've enjoyed seeing them and dating them, but, wow, there's something special. Something special about Amy. She's a great fit for me. She's the one we see our authentic selves, we just click as people. And then you can choose a great girlfriend from an abundance of options rather than settling for crumbs and what you can get. So those are the seven core benefits of dating with radical authenticity. And of course, very few men date this way. Most guys do a couple of different things. Most guys wear a mask around women. Like, they play the part of the people pleaser or a bad boy. That's what most male dating coaches teach. They teach with the best intentions. They teach badly. They teach wrong. They teach guys to put on a persona, be an alpha male, show her who's boss, be a bad boy, or use pickup artist tricks. And these things don't work for long. Guys use these masks, the people pleaser mask, the bad boy mask, the alpha male mask, the pickup artist mask. Men do this because they suspect that a woman won't like him for who he is. So it's a psychological defense mechanism. Because if you put on this fake persona that some pickup artist type dude teaches you, then what happens is it creates a psychological defense mechanism that if you get ghosted, when you get ghosted. When you get rejected, it's really easy to rationalize that by saying, well, she didn't reject me because she didn't meet the real me. But of course, shielding yourself from rejection means that you're shielding yourself from connection. And I think the worst mask of all that men wear, and I know this because I wore this for years, is a mask I call unworthy man. And that's that basically it's. That lower self version of you who is afraid of rejection, who does not take action, who avoids taking risks, avoids approaching, avoids flirting. And basically when you're wearing this mask, a guy has that mindset of, well, dating reminds me that I'm not enough, and that hurts. So I'm not even going to try. I'm not even going to date. I'm going to avoid approaching. I'm not going to ask out women. And this leads to short term relief, but long term consequences, right? The consequences are loneliness, settling, social isolation, and in extreme cases, like with incels, we get misogyny, depression, and taking it to its worst possible outcome, violence. Either violence against women or violence against yourself. Thoughts about suicide? And look, I'm a dating coach. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I'm just a dating coach. But I have seen men out in the world who are just so angry at either angry at themselves or angry at women that they become incels, they become depressed, and sometimes they even hurt themselves or they hurt other people. And yeah, all of these masks are awful. To borrow a phrase from the writer John Update, the Unworthy Man mask is a mask that eats into the face, but it's just a mask. And like any other mask, you can take it off anytime you want. So, yeah, let me share another story for you. I want to talk about the mask I used to wear with women. There was a girl I was really into when I first started working. In my dating life, I met this young woman named Lisa, and I was super into Lisa. Beautiful, smart, intelligent, witty. I was basically so smitten with her. I was smit faced, but I felt so out of my league. I used to really feel out of my league with women. I was like a Toledo Mudhen playing in Yankee Stadium. And I thought when I was going on these dates with Lisa, the first couple of dates we had, I remember thinking, what would a bright bombshell like her want with me? Why would she want to date me? She was into scuba diving and hiking, and I'm this nerdy bookish nerdy guy. And so why would this rugged, outdoorsy girl want to be into me? So what I did on our second date was I pretended I was the man I thought she wanted to be. So I assumed because she was a rugged, outdoorsy girl that she wanted a rugged, outdoorsy guy. So on our second date, I just started making up a bunch of shit. I told her I was getting my pilot's license just because I thought, hey, she might want a cool guy who's out there doing adventure things. I told her I was into Skydiving, which is bullshit. I even told her that I had swum with sharks in the Caribbean. So I was just making all this stuff up. And I remember vividly sitting there as all these lies were coming, were just kind of spilling out of my mouth. I remember my forehead got really sweaty, and I kind of felt like, oh, my God. I don't know if she knows that I'm lying, but she had to be thinking, why is this nerdy, musical theater loving, Star Wars nerd? He doesn't seem like that type of guy, really. He's into scuba diving and swimming with sharks. So either she knew I was full of shit or something about me seemed incongruent and inconsistent. And women have incredible BS detectors, and they can tell when you're just not being real. So, long story short, she friendzoned me as she should have. Because when you're inauthentic, women can tell. Yet when you're authentic, what happens is the opposite happens. You become at ease. You can essentially project that most confident version of yourself. And when you're being authentic, you're also giving women a really special experience. You're giving her a one in billion experience. Because think about it. You and I, you're not one in a million. You're not one in a billion. You're a completely unique person, right? You're one of a kind. So basically, being authentic versus being inauthentic and wearing a mask, it's the difference between a watered down wine spritzer and a strong glass of scotch. Women want to catch a buzz on the good stuff. They want that top shelf, proof, barrel aged version of you. So if you're a book loving nerd like me, fly that banner high. If you're a hipster, rock the goatee. If you're a single dad. Lean into that. Talk about your kid on dates. We all have types. And plenty of women love nerds and hipsters and single dads, especially single dads. I mean, think about it. You have the most important job on the planet. You're a parent. And girls, a lot of girls, a lot of women really like a guy who's a single dad because it shows responsibility. It shows the ability to basically hold the most important job on the planet, which is to be a parent. In fact, an ex-girlfriend. When we were together, my then girlfriend used to say she's going to go off to Central Park with her girlfriends to quote, unquote, scope out the dits. So yeah, DILFs is a type that a lot of women are into. So don't be afraid to put that real, genuine self out there. What happens is it takes courage to put your real self out there. And so when you do put your real self out there and a woman realizes she's meeting the genuine article, if she likes your type, she's going to get very into you. She's going to feel that attraction, feel that connection, and your natural chemistry is going to take care of the rest. So let me lay out for you the five pillars of radical authenticity. Because right now you're probably saying, cool, this sounds awesome. How do I become radically authentic? What should I do? Here are the five pillars. In a word, what makes a man radically authentic is congruence or harmony with himself. In other words, your thoughts, words and actions align with core values, the right values. Basically, a radically authentic man listens to his gut, follows his passions. He's expressive, he's less filtered than most men. He's kind, compassionate, appreciative of life, empathetic to others feelings, but he doesn't change who he is based on the environment. So yeah, a radically authentic man is a straight shooting, decent guy, decent dude. So here are the five pillars you're going to want to put in place. Here are the five pillars of radical authenticity. Number one, honesty. In other words, never lie to women, never present a false front. Share your sense of humor, your point of view, your passions. The more honest you are, the more you accept your authentic self and the more that side of you starts to shine through. The second pillar of radical authenticity is vulnerability. Let your flaws, your fears, your mistakes show while fully owning them. It takes strength to be vulnerable, and women love strong men. Number three, the third pillar of radical authenticity is taking action. We must take action, especially courageous action. In other words, when there's fear. So you want to align your actions with your words and your values. As a Shakespearean character once said, action is eloquence, so you must take action, specifically courageous action. The fourth pillar of radical authenticity is kindness. Kindness is the thing that women want most in a guy. According to a poll, there was a survey of women which was conducted by a German university and posted by the health app Clue. You can find this online. An app called Clue posted this. And in this poll of women, kindness was the number one thing they said they most wanted in a man. So it's totally fine to be kind. Don't listen to those bullshit alpha male, be an alpha male, toxic male bullshit pickup dudes who say, be alpha, be an asshole. That's not what women want. You can be kind. In fact, you should be kind. Women want niceness. So be nice. So you be nice. And the fifth pillar of radical authenticity is growing and giving. Because in dating and in life, the more you grow, the more you give to others. And the more you give, the more women want to give back to you. So those are the five pillars of radical authenticity. I hope that makes sense. And one more thought about authenticity. Basically, it comes down to this. A lot of guys say, Connell, what do women want? What is it about how I get girls? And essentially, it comes down to value. A woman needs to see the value, feel and see the value that you can bring into her life. And authenticity is a shortcut to being a high value man. Now, you still have to have other parts of your life in order. Let's not bullshit here. You need a job or at least a plan to have a career. You need some kind of financial stability. You need to ideally be relatively physically fit. So I'm not just saying you go through life and just by, quote, unquote, being authentic. Everything magically changes. You have to be a man who has some real value to bring into a woman's life. But authenticity is radical. authenticity is flipping a switch to essentially blast out that high value, authentic, best version of you so that women can see it and feel it, and then they will be attracted to you if they like your type. So it really comes down to value. Authenticity equals value, and value as a man equals attraction. So, for example, that Scarlett Johansson lookalike you've been drooling over in your yoga class. You're attracted to her because you see value in her, right? In her wit, her curves, her voice, not to mention the potential for love, for sex, companionship, all those things that you want from women. And for Scarlett to be into you, she has to see the relevant value that you can bring into her life. Because the bottom line is, attraction is a trade. Before you trade sweet nothings with a girl, you've got to trade value. And by definition, anything authentic has something to offer, right? Any authentic thing is valuable because it's real and rare. It has utility of some kind, right? The authentic Picasso sells for millions at Sotheby's. But a fake Picasso sells for nothing or sells for $. Right. That authentic voice that cuts through the bullshit at the sales meeting has value to the people in the room, whereas the person who's just towing the company line has no value. An authentic brand, tech brand, really connects with its geeky customers. Yeah, there's something about authenticity. In the same respect, an authentic man is magnetic to women on a dating landscape that's filled with liars, players, pickup dudes, and pretenders. So yeah, again, I can't say this enough, authenticity equals value. Value equals attraction. So let me go back to that night I met Kelly. That night on the rooftop bar. That night that I met Kelly, I removed my mask and I showed her an authentic man who offered her value and could also be vulnerable, brave, and honest. That's what created the sparks, the connection. Aristotle calls that for what it's worth, aristotle calls that being a virtuous man. A man who's, who's in harmony with himself. I call that your higher self. And radical authenticity is how you summon your inner superhero. That higher self that transforms your dating life. So think of it this way. Authenticity is king. Connection is queen, and forever may they reign. Okay, let me finish up by giving you, I'm going to give you five quick marching orders. I'm also going to give you a one sentence call to action that's really going to change the game for you if you take action. So first, here are your five mini missions I'm going to give you. Okay, mission number one is I want you to name your lower self. Understand who the enemy is. Give your lower self a name. It could be a childhood nickname that you hated or a description that sums up your biggest dating problems. So for example, some of my clients have named their lower self anxious Aaron or Not Confident Chris. One nut Nick was a client of mine. Frankie friend zone. Alliteration is not a requirement, but it's fun. And the trick is to choose a name that really makes you feel EW, gross, I don't like that guy. So what you want to do is link pain to this lower self so you feel like, oh man, I got to get rid of this guy. I don't like this guy. So mission number one, name your lower self. Mission number two is to name your higher self. Have fun with this. Name your best, most awesomely, authentic you. Here's a good little cheat sheet to do this. Think of a specific moment in your life when you just felt powerful and in the zone. Whether it's a big speech that you gave, or the day you nailed that job interview and got the job. A dance contest you won playing guitar with your friends. The day you ran your best ever marathon time. There's no perfect answer to this. Basically, go to a moment of time in your life when you felt ten out of ten awesome, authentic badass. And then ask yourself, what is that guy's name? Feel free to take an adjective that is really compelling to you and use that if you want to. So, for example, my clients' higher self names include badass, Brett, and unstoppable. Aaron Caesar the Great is a client of mine, confident Kurt. Or you can steal mine if you like. If you want to use mine. That's a good one. You can just take your first name, your last name, and then make your middle name fucking John fucking Doe. The name you choose should make you feel really good, and it should also feel true. It should feel like, oh, yeah, this is how I feel when I'm at my best, at my most confident, and I feel in the zone. So, mission number two. Name your higher self. Mission number three is to start applying your new golden rule. What is your new golden rule? Here it is in one simple mantra. What I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. I'll repeat that what I'm thinking and feeling is what I'm saying and doing. Start living by this credo to make you a more congruent, authentic guy. So what do I mean by this? Start speaking and sharing your true thoughts. Be more unfiltered or be less filtered. If you see a cute girl at Starbucks and you want to compliment her on her awesome earrings, say something to the cute girl at Taco Bell. Taco Bell. Sorry. At Starbucks. So my girlfriend is Taco Bell. Earrings. That's why I said that. So, yeah, if you see a girl at Taco Bell, for that matter, tell her why you like why you're saying hi to her. So, yeah, apply this golden rule. Here's a couple of caveats. Don't say crude, vulgar things. Because a radically authentic man, yes, he tells it like it is, but he's also kind. He's aware of how he's making other people feel. And also, don't mistake honesty for venting. Now, authenticity is not an excuse to just vent if you're in a bad mood, being negative, being vulgar just because you say that's, being, quote, authentic, it's not authentic. Speech is not a license to bitch and moan. Think of it this way. Be an open book, not an open wound, okay? A radically authentic man is an open book, meaning he has a lot of wisdom, value, and awesome things to offer. So be an open book, not an open wound as you apply that new golden rule. Mission number four is I want you to choose a passion project. What I mean by that is a fun hobby self improvement project. Something that makes you grow a little bit, or maybe a lot, but at least a little bit. Because the more you grow, the more attractive you become as your authentic self. So you could take a cooking class, start learning a new language, and volunteer. There's a million things great and small you can start playing a musical instrument, take an improv class, you name it. It's really all up to you. It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as you're growing in some way, seeking to grow. Now, this is not only good for the soul, it also gives you great stuff to talk about on dates, because women love a man who has passion for life and who's always evolving. So, yeah, imagine going on your next first date and you're just getting in that get to know you phase. And she says, so what have you been up to lately? And you say, oh, I just finished reading War and Peace by Tolstoy or, oh, I just took a cooking class. I can make an amazing Orequete. And all of a sudden you're talking about cooking delicious meals, and that's very attractive to women, as opposed to a guy who says, oh, well, I just finished playing World of Warcraft for the th hour this year. So, yeah, choose a passion project that helps you grow, helps you to grow. Oh, and then a quick bonus tip. Here's a bonus tip about growing. Don't compare yourself to other guys. Compare yourself to the guy you were yesterday and be % better than him today. I forget who coined the phrase, but there's a phrase that equals despair. If you compare yourself to other people, especially people who are more, I don't know, advanced or at a different phase of life than you are, you might enter despair because you're comparing yourself to somebody who you think is better than you. Don't compare yourself to other guys. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday and be % better than him today. And then tomorrow will be % better. And then tomorrow will be % better. And then tomorrow will be % better. There's a great stat in the book, Atomic Habits, which is a great, great book, where the author talks about how if you get % better at something in life every single day, by the end of twelve months, by the end of a year, you're going to be times better in that area because of that law of accumulating interest. So get % better every single day. And then one final tip here for a marching order is to remind yourself every day. You want to remind yourself you are enough. You are worthy of being attractive to women. Be authentic, because women already like you. They just have to meet the real, authentic you. Okay? So remind yourself of that literally every single day. In my book, dating sucks. But you don't. I talk all about how to give yourself a daily confidence kickoff that puts your mindset in that higher self place. So that's all in my book. Dating sucks. But you don't. And here's my final one sentence call to action for you what I'm about to say. If I had to condense everything I teach into one action call to action. Sentence here it is. It's this simple. Here we go. If you want to get a great girlfriend, take courageous, authentic action every day. If you want to get a great girlfriend, take authentic, courageous action every day. It really is all about authenticity combined with action. So thank you so much for being a podcast listener. But remember, this podcast is just information. I'm giving you tips. I'm giving you information. Information as valuable as it is. And no matter how much you love a piece of insight, it's just information. Action is more valuable. One of my old coaches used to say, information is overrated. Execution is underrated. Go out and execute. Go out and take action. And I love that thought. So please remember, if you want that dream girlfriend, if you want confidence, don't just listen to a podcast or don't just read a book or watch YouTube videos. Go out there and take authentic, courageous action. Whether it's approaching, whether it's finding that passion project, asking out your crush, go take action. That is the secret to success. Okay? That is today's solo pod. Thank you very much for being here. And remember, women already like you. They're already attracted to you. They just have to meet the radically authentic you. Okay, see you next time.

Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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