Intro:

Use your head. K? Use your use, don't make it like, I'm gonna go approach women at funerals. I'm not saying do that.

Welcome to the dating transformation podcast. Here's your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I'm your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, get lots of dates, and find an incredible girlfriend. Somebody loves you for you. And do this all by being authentic, by being your real best true self, as opposed to some persona or just using, like, surface level pickup lines. And I want to talk to you today about one of the biggest secret weapons, secret dating weapons that you have that are untapped. You're not using this secret dating weapon. And here's what it is. I'm just gonna get right to it. Here's the biggest superpower or let's call it a secret weapon. That you can use that you are certainly not using, at least not if you're listening to this podcast. And that's the power to make a decision to take an action. Let me actually, let me clarify that. It's the decision to take an uncomfortable action. That is something you have the power to do, and you might not realize it. Here's what I mean by this. Here's a big problem that you are probably struggling with. You probably struggle with seeing a beautiful woman and wanting to talk to her. But you don't do it. Something holds you back. Fear resistance. Right? Some fear of pain or rejection or some kind of judgment. Or maybe it's on a 1st date, and it's time to make that move. Time to go for the first kiss, which I talked about in the last episode. Or and but you don't do it. You're afraid. Or another common one is let's say you're talking to a really cool, interesting woman. You chatted her up at a bar, or a party, and the conversation went really well. And then you walk away from her and you say, well, nice meeting you. You don't get her number. You don't ask her out. You just let it be a conversation that goes nowhere. And you know you wanted to, but you were but you didn't do it. Something held you back. Fear usually, it's a fear of rejection, or sometimes it's, oh gosh, what if she says yes? And then we go on a date and I screwed that up, which is another form of rejection or fear of rejection. Bottom line is there are many, many moments in your dating life. Where you are going to be faced given the opportunity to take a romantic risk. And you might think, oh, I can't approach women. And I'm here to say that that's not true. You're deciding not to. Or you might say, oh, I can't ask that girl out. And I'm saying, no. You can. You just are deciding not to because it's uncomfortable. I have a client I'll call Barry. Barry has been working with me for a couple weeks now. He's a fairly new client. And I do this with all my clients. I give all my clients very personalized missions to go out and do in the world. For guys who live near me in New York City, we go out and do these things together. In person in field wingman coaching. But for guys who live farther away and I coach men all over the world, I've coached men and 18, 19 countries, for Berry, he doesn't live in New York. So I give him some missions to go out and do and report back to me. And my mission for Berry was to go out and talk to 3 women. He was cute and attractive during the day on a Saturday afternoon. And I gave him exactly what to say and how to do it. All he had to do was put the plan into action and take the action. Barry, god bless him, came back to me the next day, or when we had our coaching call, And he said, I went out there, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And he told me why. And he gave me a song and dance about, oh, well, one girl didn't look like she was very approachable. And I saw this other girl in the bookstore, but there were people around, and I didn't wanna talk to her while there were people around because then I'm gonna be on a stage in a sense. And so I couldn't. I just couldn't do it. And I said, Barry. Bubba. I didn't say Babola. Why do I become an old Jewish mom sometimes? I said, very, let's keep it real. You decided not to talk to any of those girls because it was uncomfortable. I said if if, your family was being held captive in a basement in Brooklyn, with a gun to their head, god forbid, and you had to go talk to 3 cute girls, or else it was curtains for grandma, Grandpa, your mom and dad, and your kid, and your little sister, would you have talked to 3 cute girls? He said, of course, I would have. And I said, thank you for the honesty. And So that the lesson I wanted to impart to him was, actually, you can make a decision anytime you want to take an action. What he was really saying to me, it wasn't I can't go approach these girls. What he was really saying was approaching those girls will feel uncomfortable, so I decided not to do it. That's really what was happening. He decided not to do it. So how many times have you, dear listener, seen a really cool, sexy, gorgeous, awesome wow girl, what I call a wow girl, meaning a woman who makes you turn your head and say, wow. Look at her. She is really something. How many times have you seen a Wow girl

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy called today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connel or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artistry. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic, romantic connections. Your next steps Book your free call today at dating transformation.comforward/contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, So you know, soon, Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye.

And you said, oh, well, I can't talk to her. I'm busy. Or she looks too busy or she's on her headphones. Or, oh, I could talk to her about it. You know, what I really can't because I might come across as creepy, or or here's the most common one. I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. Connell, I couldn't approach her. I didn't know what to say. That is an understandable story, and it's total bullshit. It's a fig leaf. To cover up the truth, which is, oh, I decided not to because I was afraid. I decided not to because it was uncomfortable. So one of my favorite success stories was, my client, James, a guy I went out with in person here in New York City. And we went out on a Saturday afternoon, and he was so nervous. He had never approached girls before. And I remember we were walking into Madison Square Park, and I could see the sweat beads on his forehead. I could hear the quivering quivering voice, and I just remember feeling like, oh, man. I've been there, bro. I've been there. So I could see the nerves. I could see the anticipation of pain. Of, oh, no. What if girls reject me? What if they don't like me? And James hesitated when I first said, hey. Do me a favor. Go over to that girl and say X Y Z. And he said, okay. He took a deep breath. I remember he took a deep breath, and he said okay. Here I go. I'm gonna go do this now. He made a decision, and he moved his feet, even though he was uncomfortable, and he decided to go and talk to this woman. This was a Barnes and Noble bookstore. And by the way, James, an amazing guy. He's a captain in the Air Force, He's, I think he's a different I think he's a different rank now. Amazing guy. Like, literally serving his country has been in life or death situations, but he hadn't been he had not been in the situation of talking to attractive women. And so but you know what? He said, you know what? Just like I can decide to, put that war plan in place or whatever his duties were, in the Air Force. He said, basically, he said, I'm gonna do this now. I'm deciding to do it. And he walked over to this woman at Barnes And Noble, and it went really well. She's a pre med student, and they hit it off. I think he even got her number. It's been a couple of years, but I think that's my recollection. Then we went to this park. And he talked to a girl and it went well. She wasn't available. She wasn't single, but he decided to walk over to her. And said hello. And then he decided to walk over to another really attractive young lady. She was sitting on a blanket. I couldn't hear their conversation because I was too far away, but I saw him. He walked over. He crouched next to her. Her. She smiled. As I recall, she was, at the time, an exchange student from Brazil, studying in New York City. And all of a sudden, they're exchanging phone numbers and setting up a date. All because James was deciding to take action, even though it was uncomfortable. And then, you know, what his favorite approach was, the whole afternoon? He walks over to another woman. There's a woman sitting on a park bench. I said, okay. See that girl over there. The one reading the book, go over there, and, say X Y Z. I forget what it was exactly. So he walks over, sits down next to her, and I can't hear the conversation, but I see them chatting for about 2 minutes, and he comes back, and he's got the biggest smile on his face. He's smiling ear to ear. And I assume James is about to tell me that oh my god. I got her number in 2 minutes or less, and that's amazing. It was actually the opposite. He said, oh my god, that was so funny. I said, what was it? He said she did not like me. I said, what do you mean? She said, well, she was reading a book. Right? And I said to her, oh, hey. I came out to look at the architecture today. And I just went over to the flatiron building. It's really beautiful. And then she said to me, oh, well, why don't you go look at some more buildings? She basically was not into it. And I said, well, why are you smiling so much? Why are you so happy about The girl who was not attracted to you? He got 2 phone numbers right away, but the girl who, quote, unquote, rejected him was the moment he was really excited about. I said, why? He said, because that's what I've been afraid of all these years. A girl who just blew me off, that was no big deal. I actually thought it was funny, he said. So He's like, oh, I can handle that? If I can walk up to women and get phone numbers and dates, and every once in a while, a woman says, Buzz off. Go look at the architecture. Get out of here, kid. You bother me. Yeah. He got rejected by a woman from a nineteen forties movie. Get out of here, Buster. You bother me. He said, oh, that's what I've been afraid of all these years. Woah, my god. How fucking stupid is that? And then in that moment, he became free. He became free of that anticipation of pain, of rejection because he realized it was all in his head. There was nothing to be afraid of other than a girl saying, nah. No. Thanks. Go look at architecture without me. Not feeling it. And so how did he get there? How did he get that breakthrough? How was he then able to then literally walk up to anyone? He was completely done with this approach of anxiety, and he was absolutely crushing it. It started with a decision. He made a decision to take action. And that's the main lesson I want you to please understand and put into practice in your dating life is you can always make a decision to do something, even though it's uncomfortable. So beware Beware of the bullshit story that your brain, your lower self, what I call the lower self, that fearful, doubtful side of us who who fucks our shit up. Beware that story when it says, oh, you can't do this. What it's really telling you is you can't do it with a high comfort level yet. You can't do it with confidence yet, but you can do it. You absolutely can do it. You have the agency to walk up to any woman, to say anything to your next date, to make virtually any move. Basically, let's call them romantic risks. You have complete and total agency to take a romantic risk anytime you so choose. You might be nervous. You might be scared you might be shaking in your shoes. Your forehead might be sweating like Richard Nixon in a debate. But you can still take the action. So don't listen to that conditioned voice that says you can't do this. You can. You make a decision. You move your feet. One foot in front of the other. You walk over and you say, hi. Just wanna meet you, even though I'm scared, shitless, if you want. Say that if you want. I love those kinds of authentic, vulnerable, sincere opens. Just putting your real self out there. And so, yeah, beware that voice that tells you, oh, you can't do something. The truth is you can. You have to make a decision to do it. Take it from me. So the reason I became a dating coach was to help men who struggle with the problems I had when I got into this 15 or so years ago. Big problem I had was that I had a really bad approach to anxiety. I had a lot of low confidence. I thought I was not attractive to women, and I struggled with flirting, and that was Mister Friendzone. It was funny. Girls thought I was funny. Like, oh, you're funny, Connell. But I'm gonna go hook up with your cooler friend. That was my dating life back then.

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So that created a lot of discomfort when it came time for me to start to take some romantic risks. So what happened was I never took the risks. I never approached a single woman ever until I was thirty eight years old. I was over 38. Because I felt so much resistance to it. But then I made a decision. I said, you know what? I wanna fix my dating life. I want to figure out what works with women. I want a great girlfriend. Or at first, I just wanna play the field a little bit. I just wanna be a single guy in New York City. And date some cute girls and then settle down with somebody. And I wish I could go back and tell my younger self, Hey, Connell. You can always decide to take action even though it's uncomfortable. I remember I once went out. So so sorry. Let me give you some practical things you can do because this whole episode has been very, very and internal mindset stuff. But here's a practical thing you can do. I want you to write out a list. It's 50. It's a 2 step, a 2 step mission. It's a written exercise followed by an action exercise. I want you to write down a list of the top 10 romantic risks you want to begin taking in your life. What's a romantic risk? It's anything involving women and dating that feels scary. But you can decide to do it even though it's uncomfortable. So that list might include things like I want to start chatting up beautiful women. I want to say flirtatious, bold, fun things. I want to ask if maybe you have a crush. Maybe there's a girl you're crushing on. I want to ask out Heather. My the cute girl who hangs out at the swimming pool, my apartment building, I wanna ask her out. Come up with a list of, let's say, 5 to 10 romantic risks, specific actions you want to take but you feel resistance. Something is pushing back at you. K? Come up with the list. Let's call it the romantic risk. Oh, let's call it the risk list. That's got some that's got a cool catchiness to it. Write out your risk list. Say that one. Woah. That's hard to say. Risk list. Risk list. Say that where I type pants. Risk list. Write out your risk list. And then look at it and say, alright. I'm gonna knock off one of these every day for the next week. And then just go decide to take action. Whatever it is, within reason. I mean, use your head. Okay? Use your use, don't make it like, I'm gonna go approach women at funerals. I'm not saying do that. I want to approach women who are flying an airplane in the middle of a commercial flight. Don't do that. But you know what I mean? I wanna start approaching beautiful women. I wanna ask out my crush. I want to, start going for kisses on 1st and second dates, I'm going to I want to, start saying edgier, riskier, verbally flirtatious things. I wanna start telling women on dates that I find them sexy. Try to make them feel sexy. Whatever it is, you get your own list and then just pick 1 per day and start knocking them out. One at a time. This was one of the most powerful things I did that helped me go up a whole level in terms of my own dating results back way back in the 20 the late double 0s. I remember one night I went out and I said, you know what tonight's all about? Tonight's all about risks. I I I went out for 1 night. Actually, I did this for a whole week, but I remember 1 night in particular. I went out for a whole week, and I said, tonight, it's risky. I'm gonna take romantic risks. Two things I remember about that night. I said, I'm gonna tell every woman who I find sexy and attractive, my opening line at this bar is gonna be, hey. You're really sexy, and I had to meet you. I was so scared to do that, but I made a decision, and I had total agency to do it. And so I did it. Some women did not like it. Some women loved it. And the couple women who really loved it, I thought, woah. This is a new feeling. I just walked up to a beautiful girl at our rooftop bar, told her she's sexy, and she likes it. And now we're flirting, and she's into me. Alright. I can handle the girls who aren't into it. So that was part of my romantic risk weekend. And The other thing I remember was I just got so bold. I had this major breakthrough that weekend, or I just did increasingly risky things. Things that aren't even a good strategy. I was just doing them because they were fun. I remember being at a cool upscale lounge in Manhattan And I was with my buddy, I won't say his name, but I was with my wingman at the time. And I was like, I'll do anything you tell me. I have no fear tonight. I'm gonna decide to do anything I want. What do you want me to do? And my wing man looked at this girl, a Gogo dancer girl, who was dancing on top of a couch, like the couches at this club had dancing platforms. So the beautiful women could jump up and dance. And it was only women who were allowed to dance up there. He said, go up on the go go dance floor and dance with that beautiful woman. And I'm like, yeah. Let's go. And I did it. I decided to do it, and I started dancing with this girl. And she actually handled it pretty well. She actually thought it was pretty funny. She responded well. And then all of a sudden, I feel this giant hand on my ankle. I looked down, and it's the bouncer who's grabbing my ankle, and he actually was pretty chill all things considered. He didn't kick me out. He just said, hey. Campy up here, man. Gotta get down. And, he was actually pretty cool. I probably should have gotten kicked out, but he was cool. But I remember afterwards, I felt like, oh my god. I'm so free. I can talk to any girl here tonight because I just did the really scary thing. How did I do it? I made a decision, and I just freaking did it. So go out there, write out your romantic risk list and then just start knocking them out 1 per day and notice how this changes your confidence. Maybe not at first, maybe not on day 1, but when you're finished knocking off your risk list, you are gonna I would wager, you're gonna see and feel a lot more confident because your comfort zone is just expanded. It's gotten bigger and wider. And yeah. So go take romantic risks. I feel that a man's dating results are directly in proportion to the amount of romantic risks he takes. So go take some romantic risks with empathy for women, of course, Reading and noticing how they feel, of course, always notice how women feel. You're a gentleman, always, But take that first risk and do it with a decisive decision. Tony Robbins has a great line. I've quoted many times. A decision is an incision. It's not really a decision, at least not if it's an uncomfortable action. It's not really a decision unless you feel it. You gotta feel like, woah. I'm doing something really risky. So if you feel the incision, you're doing it right. Okay. Go decide. Use that superpower. Use that secret weapon. Make the decision to take uncomfortable action. Alright. That's the end of today's show, everybody. Until next time and remember your dream girl. She's already out there. She might be dancing on some go go table right now. She just has to meet you, and she just has to meet the real you. She already likes you. She just has to re meet the authentic you. Alright. Till next time.

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, Go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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