So you want to attract a wonderful woman into your life, for love, companionship and to hate-watching “Emily in Paris” together. BUT… dating apps don’t work for you. And the thought of approaching random women makes you more anxious than an IRS audit.
In today’s episode of the Dating Transformation podcast, host Connell Barrett welcomes Robbie Kramer, a dating expert who helps men learn how to date wonderful women through their social circles!
In this episode, Kramer, the founder of Inner Confidence, will help you…
✔ Meet smart, attractive women not by swiping on the apps but by using your social connections
✔ Create a step-by-step plan to get more dates, no nerve-wracking approaches needed
✔ Uncover the biggest dating mistake that you don’t know you’re making, and help you fix it
✔ PLUS: Connell and Robbie talk about unlocking the power of true authenticity, so that desirable women will like you for YOU.
Listen now so you can stop endlessly swiping on the apps and start meeting great women using your social connections. It’s time to take your dating confidence to the next level.
To Learn More or to Work with Robbie:
Women are going to be incredibly flaky and the hotter they are, the more likely they're going to be flaky. - Robbie
Online dating is just riddled with flakes. Like you're going to get at least 50% to 75% flakes if the girls are really hot. - Robbie
The best dating hack I've found is to shift from a hunter mindset of chasing one girl at a time to a farming mindset of cultivating an environment with a favorable ratio. - Robbie
Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation
Book Your Free Call Today and grab a time that works for you
Click this link:https://datingtransformation.com/contact/
Get the number 1 Amazing Bestselling book “Dating Sucks, But You Don’t”Amazon:
To Learn More or to Work with Robbie:
00:04:23 A sample story of heart surgeon on his dating life
00:07:03 An Internal tip and external tip from Connell
00:15:25 Book a call with Coach Connell to give you advice in the dating space
00:17:00 Introducing our guest, Robbie Kramer
00:19:35 Robbie’s problem before with his dating life
00:24:04 Robbie’s breakthrough moment
00:35:00 Why are women flaky?
00:43:52 Get our best selling book on Amazon Today “Dating Sucks But You Don’t”
00:45:35 Robbie’s practical tips to be successful on dating
00:54:25 Another successful story from one of Robbie’s friend
01:00:17 Rapid fire question time
01:08:56 Takeaways from Robbie
Produced by Heartcast Media
Connell: Yeah. I mean, when it comes to approaching women confidently and getting results, you you have to embrace uncertainty. I mean, to quote Benjamin Franklin, the only certainties in life or death, taxes and crappy Adam Sandler movies.
Speaker 2 And welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. Here's your host dating coach Connell Barrett.
Connell: All right. Welcome back to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm your host dating coach Connell Barrett. I am here to help you gain confidence, learn to flirt, get dates, get a great girlfriend, and do it all with total authenticity. No creepy pickup artist tricks needed. It's all about being authentic. The real best you. So on this episode, by the time you're done listening, you're going to have three really great takeaways. Number one is, I'm going to give you my single favorite tip on how to approach women and get results and do it in a non creepy way into with charm. The second thing you're going to get by the end of this episode is you're going to get a roadmap. Specific actions you can take literally today, tomorrow, this weekend to go get some dates. And then the third takeaway is our our very special guest, Robbie Kramer. Dating coach Robbie Kramer is going to be here. He's actually going to tell you how to get dates, how to get a successful dating life without approaching women, because some guys don't want to be out approaching women. Some guys want to do it on the apps or they want to do it in the way Robbie teaches. Robbie has this really cool technique about meeting women through your social circle and creating social connections. No approaching needed. So stick around because we've got a lot of great tips to help you. And what I want to start off with is, I think the biggest problem, maybe the problem I hear most often from men who come to me and they want help with their dating life is they come to me and they say, Connell, I just want to see that really attractive, intriguing woman and go approach her and know what to say and not get rejected. Maybe it's maybe it's that attractive woman you see at the gym or at the coffee shop. Or maybe you go out to the bars every couple, every couple weekends and you're out with your buddies and you see that attractive woman or maybe a group of girls, and you would love to go over and say hi, but something hold you back. You can't do it. It's almost like there's that little voice inside of you that stops you. Sometimes that voice says, Oh, no, you're going to get shot down. Don't do it. Or you don't know what to say. You don't know what to say. And then she's going to reject you and you're going to look like a schmuck in front of your friends. And. Sometimes it's more more matter of just feeling like this is creepy and wrong. It's wrong and it's weird to go approach women. I don't want to be that guy. And the bottom line is, if you consistently want to meet women out in the real world, but you don't do it, then it takes a toll, right? It really can wear you down and make you feel like, well, my only my only hope for success is the dating apps or maybe getting introduced to somebody I work with or somebody in my social circle. And the bottom line is, if you struggle with approaching and it was called approaching anxiety, that means that you see women out in the real world and you would love to talk to them, but you rarely or never do something stops you. And I think approach anxiety is probably the single biggest problem that men struggle with, or at least it's the problem I hear most often, and it really sucks. I wrote a book called Dating Sucks, but You don't. And approach anxiety sucks because it creates this sense of cognitive dissonance, right? You almost feel like you're two different people. Sometimes you're like, Oh, I'm really confident at work. I'm relaxed with my friends and my family and my guy friends hanging at the bar, watching sports, whatever it is. But then there's a really pretty girl five feet away from you. You can't even say hi. I think the most And I'm going to give you a tip on how to fix this. Like, right now, in about 3 minutes. But quick story. So I had a client I used to work with. I'll call him Douglas. Douglas is a doctor. He's a physician. And he came to me with a really bad approach, anxiety. And he said, Connell, I don't know how to explain it, but I. I literally operate on people's hearts. I spread their ribs. I do open heart surgery. I have had people's hearts, hundreds of people, people's hearts literally in my hand. Douglas told me when we first started talking, and he said, But I can't I can't talk to an attractive woman. I can I can literally hold somebody's life in my hands, but I can't talk to an attractive women. And it's driving me crazy. And it can you know, if you can't approach women, that leads to date looseness. It can really hurt your confidence and it just really gets you stuck in your head. So he and I work together. In fact, part of what I do as a coach is I take guys out out on the town and we go up and we approach women together, in-field coaching. Where I go out, I'm literally their wingman side by side, shoulder to shoulder, and he and I got together his higher self name. By the way, is he going, I love this. He called himself the badass. So every client I have I work with, they get a they give themselves a higher self nickname, that higher confidence self. So Mr. Badass and I went out and we spent the weekend socializing talking to women, and by the end of the weekend, the badass was going up and just effortlessly approaching going up to different women. We went to coffee shops, we went to a couple of bars, a couple lounges, and I literally saw him. I even recorded it. I can't share it with you, but I recall I have a video recording of the Badass getting his very first phone number from a really pretty blond woman from Eastern Europe. And I watched him go up to her in a club. And all of a sudden, by the way, the bad ass is about 50 years old. He's an older guy. And I saw him have some really major breakthroughs. So what was the main breakthrough that the badass had that I want to share with you right now before we get to the rest of the episode, It's this two main things. I'm going to give you one internal confidence tip, and I'm gonna give you an external technique to go out and try this. So here's the internal tip. The first internal tip is you need to make an internal shift and you need to remind yourself, give yourself specific reasons why you are a very worthy and attractive man to women. Because when he came to me, the badass wasn't feeling like a bad ass. He was feeling like a sad ass. He just felt like, Oh yeah, sure. I mean, women just don't like me. I'm too old, I'm not cool enough. I don't have the awesome biceps or whatever. And I'm like, Dude, you're a heart surgeon. You're a doctor. You have the you have the most amazing, arguably the coolest, most high status job in the world. You're a physician, but he wasn't focused on that. He wasn't focused on his career. He wasn't focused on being fit and having a good having having a being a big hearted guy. He was focused on what he thinks he lacks. So the. First thing you want to do if you want to get over approach anxiety is understand that approaching anxiety, 80% of it comes from doubting your worth to women. We feel that you are not enough. You feel that women would not want to be approached by someone like you and date you and. What happens is we feel that way as men. Some misinterpretation. It's a misinterpretation, but it's how it feels. And you fear or feel, Hey, maybe I'm not enough for women. And if I go up and approach her and she rejects me, that will mean I'm not enough. And then I'll have to be alone. Or settle for a woman I'm not that attracted to or settle for a inflatable woman. So anyway, that internal story is what creates most of the approach anxiety. And first thing you want is that you want to give yourself specific reasons why you are an amazing choice for women. So want to make that internal shift, right? And then what you want to do once you do that. So here's here's a quick way to do that. After this podcast is over, I want to take out a piece of paper or go on your computer, go on your phone. I want you to write out 25 specific reasons why you are a great choice for quality, attractive women, 25 specific reasons it could be. And there's no way to get any of these reasons wrong. As long as they're specific and as long as they connect you to your value, your worth. Okay. So that list might be number one. I am a great cook. Number two, I have a steady job. Number three, I'm pretty funny. Good sense of humor. Number four, I love my mom. Number five, I have a cool car. Number six, I'm a good kisser. Number seven, I make a mean, bourbon infused French toast. Whatever it is you want to get in touch with all the things you offer. And that will help give your brain that needed proof to feel significant, to attractive to women that will make in time, that will make most of that approaching anxiety disappear. Okay. So that's the internal shift is you've got to get clear on what you offer. Instead of focusing on what you think you lack, you get a focus on what you know you offer. Okay. That's the internal shift. The external tip I'm going to share with you the actionable, practical move to go out and apply is don't fit. Don't even call it approaching women. Think of it. Think of it as breaking the ice. Opening, opening with shorts, very short openers. And here is your mission should you choose to accept it. You my honorary client slash podcast listener. You want to go out? I would do it this weekend. Take action. Take action. Don't just listen to a podcast. Actually take action. Go out. And this weekend I want you to deliver five openers to five women you find attractive. What do I mean by opener? Well, I go into a lot more detail in my book. Dating sucks, but you don't. But if you want. And so you could get all the specifics on how to approach how to deliver a great opener in my book. But I'll give you the quickest, fastest tip right now. The best way to break the ice with a woman is to give her a specific compliment, something genuine, authentic, and then you share that compliment with her, and then you want nothing in return. You're not trying to get her phone number. You're not trying to get a date. You're not trying to create attraction. You're certainly not doing some pickup artist B.S. of some fake line. You want to find a genuine thing that you like and appreciate about her. Don't make it about her looks, or at least don't make it about her body. You could make it about her look her style. One of my favorite ways to open a conversation with a woman and break that ice is you just notice a great piece of style she has. And you say something like, Excuse me, miss, I really like those boots. Those are really cool or excuse. I like to say. Excuse me, miss a lot in the daytime. That's a that's a way we can be show that gentlemanly ness, that politeness. Excuse me, miss. I just want to say you have a great. That's a really cool jacket. Very stylish. I like that leather on you. Or. I was once at a Barnes and Noble, and I saw a really pretty girl in the fiction section, and I said. I walked up to her and said, Hey, pardon me. It's it's just nice to see that pretty girls still read books. So if you're going to complement her looks, make it more than just about the physical. I was basically saying, sure, you're pretty. But also it's cool that you read because, hey, I'm well, I'm in a relationship. But when I was out there approaching women, I was looking for an intelligent, well read woman. So think of these short little compliments, these short little icebreakers. Think of them as small gifts that you get to give If you make this internal shift toward, Hey, I'm worthy, I'm enough. And you start thinking of approaching not as approaching to get attraction, but you think of it as let me give a small little gift five, ten, second little opener, and then anything that happens after that is a bonus. So your mission, should you choose to accept it, go out and deliver five compliment openers. Think Cool tattoo. Where'd you get it? Why did you choose to have a dragon tattoo? It could be a piece of style. She's It could be the cool hat. She's wearing her her cool sneakers. It could be something unusual that you notice. I was once young. I was once walking out on the town in New York City, and I saw a woman standing outside of her yoga class or gym, having just taken her yoga class. And she had this yoga mat under her arm and she was smoking a cigaret. And I thought, That's different. So I said, Hey, pardon me, but you must be really complex because yoga mat, smoking a woman of contradictions, right? And she laughs. She immediately knew what that was about. So I noticed something unusual and I called it out. So go out there, start delivering some openers, start taking action. And again, always do this from a lens of liking and respecting women. We are not trying to pick them up. We're trying to make genuine connections and of course, always do it through this lens of authenticity being that cool, amazing best self, because women out there already like you, they're already attracted to you. They just have to meet the real, most authentic you. Okay, now let's take a little break and we'll be right back to talk with Robby Cramer. Stick around.
Speaker 2 I'm going to read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women, get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating Coach Connell Barrett's can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps book your free call today at dating transformation that come forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so, you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can go to dating transformation that come forward slash contact and transform your love life by.
Connell: All right. We are back. You're back with the Dating Transformation podcast. And I'm super psyched to welcome today's guest. He is a lot like me. He's a dating coach for men. He's a white dude. He's a guy. He's been doing this a long time. He's sort of like my evil twin. I don't know. I'm not so evil twin. His name is Robbie Kramer. And Robbie coaches men who have achieved big world class success in their careers. And he helps those guys learn how to achieve that same level of success in their love life. So whether you want to land your perfect ten or cross off every fantasy on your bachelor bucket list, Robbie has a step by step process that he teaches. It's based on the art of attraction and the science of evolutionary biology. And the idea here is that he works with guys and helps them engineer their the dating lifestyle that they've been dreaming of. And he does it without fluffy new age. Woo woo stuff. And without the cringing pick up stuff, he really just what I like about him is he veers toward tested, proven, actionable, practical advice. Every so often I'll have a question from one of my clients and I'll shoot Robbie a text and he'll have a really good quick tip. And he's going to have a lot of really good quick tips today. And also, Robbie has been a full time dating coach since 2008, so even longer than me. He's the creator of inner confidence dot com. And that's again that's inner confidence dotcom. And also he hosts the Leverage podcast, which recently surpassed half a million downloads probably because I was his guest. Anyway, Ravi, Ravi, thanks for being here, man. Yeah.
Robbie: Well, thanks for having me. And it probably was because of because of your show, which we recently aired.
Connell: So good. Yes. I take full, full credit for things that I did not do. That's sort of my thing. Hey, well, let's start with a really simple question. I like to look at I like to look at a big problem that first got you into this area of trying to get better with women, date women and dating. Because really what we're trying to do here is solve problems, help men get girlfriends, get confidence, overcome all the things that got in their way. For me back in the day, my big two big bad wolves were just lack of self-confidence around women. I did not feel attractive. And also that led to that unworthiness that I felt I had led to a lot of approach anxiety. But today is not about me. Today is about you. What were the what was the big dating problem that you needed to get handle the way back in the day?
Robbie: Yeah, I think if I can answer that in a two part because I had two really big problems and once I solved the first one, then I could kind of focus on the second one, which I think will be a pretty interesting one to talk about. But the first one was I was really insecure about my appearance and it's not like I was, you know, horrible looking. I was probably £50 heavier than I am now, but I wasn't obese. I was just a little bit chubby. And that was something that ever since, like seventh grade, when I asked a girl out and she said she just wanted to be friends, it was something I always kind of like hid behind. I didn't take much action when it came to meeting women. Because of that, I was always afraid that they were going to reject me. And the reason was going to be because I was overweight. And even, you know, I got into the dating coaching stuff and finished finished college. I wanted to be a professional golfer, became like an NCAA all-American, but just wasn't quite good enough. And then when I got into the working world, I started studying dating, coaching and pickup and all that stuff that was out there. But I kind of reached a plateau with all of my skills because I kept bumping up against this sort of like inner validation, inner game issue around my weight. So I lost the weight back in like 2009. And that really transformed just how I felt about myself, that it allowed me to get past that story, that I wasn't worthy of the women that I was really attracted to. And then so once I got over that, that's when I kind of bumped into the different problem, which was how do you succeed with the most sort of sought after women? Because I got to the point where I was doing okay with the women that I, you know, that I felt like we're kind of in my league. But there was this other level that I wanted to kind of achieve the women I really wanted. And I just you know, the those ones were were kind of not so easy to get. I had to really kind of change my strategy. I'm happy to kind of go into that, too.
Connell: Yeah, we'll get into that in a second. I do want to ask you about being heavier, having carrying extra weight because I was always thin as an adult, but I was chubby as a teenager, late puberty, early teens. My name is Connell Barrett, of course, and my nickname in grade school and going into high school was corn oil Bear fat Eric Creative. Eric Sander Meyer gave me that nickname. I'm in sixth grade, that little asshole. And only a kid could make that up. Right. And and anyway, I know I carried some of that baggage into my young adulthood because even though I wasn't heavy anymore, I. Maybe I felt like my inner child was fat. I guess for men who are heavier than their ideal way, they're carrying an extra ten, 20, £30, whatever the number is. How important is that to dating success, I should say? How do women look at a guy who is heavier? Does it matter at all? Is it in our heads or is it something that can hurt a man's dating results?
Robbie: That's a great question because I really think it matters to the degree that it matters to you, because I've seen lots of guys who are heavy do tremendous with women because it doesn't bother them. It's just kind of like their persona, like Jack Black is a good example of that. You know, he's he's heavy, but he totally owns it and he's he's attractive and doesn't matter. Like women find that appealing, actually, that he's kind of like, maybe has that dad bod, you could say. But it really bothered me. And I thought it mattered a lot to the women that I was going after. I thought, well, why would she be with me when she could be with a guy with a six pack? And it was, you know, my it was my own sort of internal sabotage that would be like, oh, well, I'm not going to approach that girl because she's too hot. And why would you know? Why would you want to be with a chubby guy like me? So it stopped me from taking action. And if it doesn't stop you from taking action, it doesn't bother you if you're a little bit heavier. I don't think it matters a whole lot, but because it mattered to me, it mattered a whole lot.
Connell: Okay. That makes sense. So you lost the weight and share any stories or moments that stand out of a big breakthrough moment you had with women in dating, whether it was maybe you lost the weight and all of a sudden you had more confidence to approach or you clicked and connected with that first, really, as you called her or called them sought after women. What was a big breakthrough moment for you?
Robbie: So I was traveling in Europe and I was with some friends and they invited some of their friends as well. We were kind of doing like this little road trip around France, started in Paris, drove down to Cannes, over to Milan, and one of the girls who showed up was kind of everything I was looking for in a woman, just totally my type. Very sweet. She's from Germany. And I. I thought she liked me. She would kind of cuddle with me the first few nights, but she wouldn't kiss me. And then we ended up, like, on this road trip for about two weeks. And the only thing that happened was cuddling. She never friendzone me blatantly, so I had hope. So when when I came back from the trip, a few a few months later, I invited her to stay with me in L.A. And, you know, she wanted to come out to do like some acting school and stuff. So she comes out and again, it's just nothing but cuddling. And it's I'm like, What is going on? This is kind of like driving me crazy. And, you know, it's been we'd probably spent three weeks sleeping in bed together. You know. As a man when, you know. You're you know. You're hard all night and like, you gotta do anything about it. It was just like a really city, like just, you know, a very what's the word for? It just. It was exhausting, I guess you could say so. Sure. We at one point, a buddy of mine calls me up and he says, Hey, I've got a I've got a girl. Let's let's go on like a sort of double date sort of thing. Like bring bring your girl and we'll go get drinks. And I'm like, well, I usually didn't like to go out with this guy because he was always stealing women from me. He was slightly.
Connell: Slightly what? A friend? Yeah, he was a little bit better looking than me.
Robbie: A little bit taller, a little bit more confident. He got to just had me beat in a lot of these areas, but he was bringing a girl. So I said, And what the heck? So we go out to the bar and I go to the bathroom. When I come back from the bathroom, he's making out with his girl and my girl. And I'm just like, What the heck is going on quickly? Like, you know, within 10 minutes they all leave and go back and have a threesome. And I'm just like completely crushed and devastated. Like, how could this guy who knew this girl for literally 10 minutes already be like, doing the things I wanted to do without putting in any of the work? And that's when I had you.
Connell: Probably you probably just wanted a twosome, let alone a threesome. Yeah, I don't. For a twosome. It's none of your instead of your cuddle. Your cuddle sims.
Connell: How about a manager to those that.
Robbie: Could do that? Just. Just, you know, just give me one that's more there. And that was like. That was a huge sort of turning point for me because I was like, first I was mad and I was salty and I was upset and and then I was like, All right, well, what is he doing that's different than what I'm doing? Because, you know, like I said, he was a little bit more comedy. A little bit. There's a little that that. But I'm like, that's ridiculous to to have like that big of a, you know, like impression on her versus what I was doing. So it really forced me to kind of study guys like him. And up until that point, I had done all the pick up stuff I had studied from all the dating coaches taking, taken a ton of boot camps and and what this guy was doing was, was totally different. And that's really what like threw me for a loop. He was more of like a club promoter type and what he was doing to meet women and to attract women was on a whole nother level than what the dating coaching industry was kind of teaching at that time. And this was like back in 2012. So I made it my mission to like really study and like break down what these club promoters and these guys with really high social status and preselection were doing. And then and basically for the next few years I found ways where I could sort of put myself into the same environment. So I was actually living in New York City at the time and after meeting this guy and some of these other club promoters, they were they had a problem. And this is kind of an interesting situation. If you've ever if you're listening to this and you're the type of guy who likes to go to nightclubs and you're not really sure how the nightclubs operate, I'd always walk into nightclubs and I'd usually see like a table of beautiful girls and then, you know, one or two guys. And I'd be like, Oh, this place is awesome. I should stay and spend money and buy bottles and and do that sort of thing. But what I learned from these promoters is those aren't real tables of girls. Those are I mean, they're real, but these girls aren't really there for, for you're you have no you have no ability to meet those girls because they're promoter tables. So clubs pay these promoters to bring girls and they give them free alcohol and the free table. And then the promoters make money by bringing other clients to pay for bottles. And they also make like 100 bucks ahead per girl that they bring. And these promoters had a problem and that was getting the girls to consistently show up to the club because as we know, beautiful women are very flaky, especially the young ones who like to party. So when I realized that they had that issue and they wanted to start these model houses, which is basically a free place for models to live in exchange for the free rent, they have to come out to those nightclubs three or four nights a week. And that's that much easier way to kind of like shepherd all of them to the club. And I had some Airbnb properties in New York. It was kind of like a side hustle that I was doing. I was renting places and then subletting them on Airbnb. So I made a deal with me and my business partner and these promoters that we would give them one of our Airbnbs and they could use that as a model house and put a bunch of models in there and we would get access to simply come out and join their tables and their parties without having to pay. So that was just totally like game changing for me because before I had been running around doing approaches, using online dating, doing all the kind of traditional ways to kind of build my dating funnel. But now I had access to these sort of like promoter tables and this inner social circle of really beautiful women. And I thought that would sort of change everything for me. But it didn't. It actually I was getting no love whatsoever at these tables. I was using all this sort of like game stuff that I had learned, you know, all the way.
Connell: And what kind of game things were you learning back then? I had.
Robbie: Learned I was learning a lot of banter because flirting techniques sort of put cocky.
Connell: Funny, push pulls, all that. Yeah, okay.
Robbie: Yeah, a lot of conversational games. So what I was doing, you know, I'd go to the nightclub and there'd be all these girls at my table. Other guys didn't really have access. They would just like, be me, the promoter, maybe a sub promoter and like eight, 8 to 10 girls. So like a ratio of, you know, almost 3 to 1 women and men. And I would try to talk to the girls and try to connect with them, but they just weren't interested in, in talking to me. I mean it was a loud sort of nightclub environment and it wasn't really easy to talk. But, you know, I'd. Learned a little. Sometimes they'd flirt a little bit back, but at the end of the day, they'd all kind of go home and hook up with the promoters at the after parties. And when I really looked at like, What were those guys doing that I wasn't doing is they weren't chasing these roles at all. They weren't even really trying to talk to them. They were just kind of having fun with the other dudes table, sometimes flirting with the girls by throwing ice at them or, you know, doing little like sort of like teasing sort of things. But they would let the women come to them. And the ratio provided that as an opportunity. Right. Because if the ratio was not in your favor and you just do nothing as a man, like you're going to get nothing. But when you have that ratio in your favor, the actual best strategy is to let them come to you and to let that ratio do the work for you. So when I had that aha moment and I learned more things around, like how do I simply push, pull and make sure our investment levels are equal? That was a humongous game changer for me, and that's what really kind of allowed me to start dating those women that were kind of out of my league previously. So this is this is in New York. And then I wanted to kind of take take these skills and build my own social circle because I was kind of relying on the promoters and and these sort of guys in New York. I wanted to do it on my own. So I actually moved to Kiev, Ukraine, where I have some family roots back there. And I found the women to be incredibly beautiful and and just a great sort of geo hacking place because it was a lot cheaper lifestyle. The dollar goes a lot further. So I built my own social circle over there in a very similar way that I did in New York and and started throwing parties with a guy I met. And it was during COVID. So when everything locked down, I was able to kind of keep my social life really going strong by hosting parties when all the nightclubs were closed and eventually after kind of, you know, crossing everything off that like bachelor bucket list I had and just having just a wild like five, 5 to 7 years of debauchery. I met my wife and it was a great timing. I met her through a friend. So the social circle I had built kind of was providing amazing leads, right? And I got out of the game and it's I'm 40 years old, so I was in the game from like age 23 until 38. So it was a long time. And I'm very happy to to kind of be in a new phase of life, I guess you could say.
Connell: By the way, if you ever write a book, you should call it 5 to 7 years of debauchery. I would absolutely pick that book up and check out. The. Cover in the back and see what's in it.
Robbie: Yeah, I've been meaning to to do something like what I've been doing is I've been posting it every like few weeks. I'll do a different style podcast and I call it Storytime with Robbie. It's part of the leveraged podcast, but I'll tell one of these ridiculous stories about a Playboy trip we did or, you know, a trip to Cannes or, you know, we'd take we'd sometimes we'd rent yachts and bring all the all the girls and do like photoshoots. And the insanity was a pretty next level.
Connell: Okay, Well, I want to hear some family friendly debauchery stories before we're done. It is a family podcast. I do want to hear that. And I also want to ask you for a couple of practical tips for our listener. But before I do that, I'm curious that you said a word that a lot of my clients come to me and they complain about, which is why am I getting flaked on? Why are women so flaky? Or some women? I mean, that's a broad brush. All women are not flaky. They're a flaky man. I'm flaky with people at times. And what's your take on the how do you answer the question when a client comes to you and says, why are women flaky? Why do they flake? How do I get that? How do I get them to stop being flaky? What's your take on that?
Robbie: So most guys are going to experience a lot higher flake rate when they're using online dating. Just in general, women are extremely flaky, and the more beautiful they are, the more flaky they can be. And it's just.
Connell: Why is that?
Robbie: Because no one's going to really call them on their on their B.S. You know, they're going to get a free pass in life just because they're hot and they live in a different world. In a different world, Like a woman has the same access as a beautiful woman has the same access as a billionaire man. Right. If you look at these these billionaire guys and you look at these gorgeous like models, they have the same access. And these billionaires did a whole lot of work to kind of get their, let's say, inherited it. But what would the model do? Nothing. She was just hot. Right. And they grow up in this sort of like alternate reality where everything they say, everything they do, there's there's like a guy being like, yes, that's awesome. And he's just doing that to get in their pants, of course. Right. So they don't live in the same world that we live in and therefore, like, flaking to them, it's like, Oh yeah, like why would that's not a big deal. There's no repercussions. To that. Whereas like if you're a professional guy who has to show up and like, get the job done and there are serious repercussions to being a flake and not having integrity. So we think that's a really big deal. But to them, it's really not because there are no repercussions, like I said. So you just have to understand that that's kind of their default. Women are going to be incredibly flaky and the hotter they are, the more likely they're going to be flaky. And the manner in which you met them is going to dictate their level of flakiness. So if she's if she's like, you got a date with her, you met her on On Tinder, right? You've got a date with her on Thursday night, 830. Right. So she it's like you texter at 11 a.m. or 12 at 12 p.m. to confirm you know you tell her where you're going and she's like, sure I'll meet you there. And then let's say around like 6:00 she gets a text from her friend and her friend's like, Hey, I'm going to this awesome, like art gallery opening. You know, some famous art is going to be there. It's like this VIP event, right? If she's a beautiful girl, she's going to get those invitations all the time. Literally every night. There's something cool that beautiful girls get invited to. So what's she going to do? She's going to hate you, Becca. Which they've had. Sorry, I'm not feeling so good. Maybe, like, let's reschedule. But she's feeling fine. She's just going to, you know, a much cooler thing than what your date was or some other guy that she met through her friend. Right. Who's who's already pre-selected by her social circle. And she's going to flake on you for that guy because she doesn't know you from you're just some guy on the Internet, Right. So, like, online dating is just riddled with flakes. Like you're going to get at least 50% to 75% flakes if the girls are really hot. So my you know, my conclusion to my clients is like. Stay away from online dating if you can build your social circle due date. Approach women in real life. Because if you do meet them face to face, there's a much higher possibility that they're going to show up.
Connell: Right. I found that. You're going to get a much lower flake rate if you meet a woman in person. And it was a good interaction. It was a good, solid mutual. Mutual investment. You're both connected and interested in each other. That's going to be a much lower flake ratio than online, but it doesn't mean it will never happen. So here's a quick story from my dating past and the the before times. I met a woman at a bookstore. Her name is Adriana, and we went on an instant date after the bookstore. So we had we spent about 90 minutes together. So we had a good amount of time. And she she I asked her out again and she flaked on that date. I gave her a pass because I felt like, Hey, everybody gets one freebie. Shit happens in life. And the second time she she went to do it again. She we had a second date set up and she flaked on that last minute. And I just thought and you know this a little bit, you know a little bit about me, Robby. My whole thing is just be really genuine. Authentic. What's the truest, deepest thing I'm feeling? And sometimes that thing is, is is not a positive thing. It's not nice. Right. Right. And I just sent her a text and I said, Hey, you know what? I feel like you're not that into this. There's a second flake and it's all good and no worries. But, you know, maybe this maybe you're just not that into it. And that's totally cool. And I left it there. And then 10 seconds later, my phone rings. Mm hmm. And it's Adriana, and it's her saying, Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have done it. Let's meet up. And we actually went out for a while after that, and I wasn't really doing it as a move, although I suppose I knew on some level it might be a good move. But basically my take away from that was if a woman flakes on you or if it's a pattern any way, then she needs to feel that you're willing to walk away. She needs to have a sense of boundaries. Not and I can't stress this enough. I'm not saying you wag your finger and say a little girl, act this way. That's not how I see women. But I do think there are moments when you have to say, look, this is that cool? And I'm going to I think I'm going to bounce. And maybe that being willing to walk away can actually make a woman say, oh, wow, this guy has just sort of raised his stature. I don't want to lose him. What are your thoughts on that?
Robbie: Yeah, that's such a powerful story and such a great lesson because the way you handled that. The finer details of that, I want to point out. So what? What you didn't do was get sappy.
Connell: Give me. Yeah, give me some feedback, Coach.
Robbie: I like it. I just, like, wanted to dissect it a little bit more for the listeners because it's so powerful. Because what happens to most guys is they get salty, right? And salty is like.
Connell: Hurt Got hurt. Yeah, exactly. And then they don't have a I don't have a I actually can't get butthurt because I don't have a but I have like the world's flattest butt. But anyway, a lot of other guys do get butthurt.
Robbie: Well you've got that leg up on us I guess.
Connell: But yeah, I'm going. To proceed presuming.
Robbie: That that's what happens, especially if it's happening to you consistently. Like the more flakes you get, the more salty you're going to get. You just kind of can carry around this chip on your shoulder in your dating life. And women are going to see that chip and they're going to feel that salty energy and nothing is more repellant than saltiness. It's like the worst cologne you could possibly wear.
Connell: Wow. Yeah. And it's like. It's like an obsession for men combined with Drakkar, combined with ax body spray. That's what happens when you're into group mix at all. And then do I. Do I detect schnauzer feces? Yes, I think I do.
Robbie: So the text you sent her was so powerful because you were like you said you were creating. You were just basically creating a boundary. Are just saying like you're calling it out, right? You're like, yeah, if you're not doing this, this is cool, but you know, it's cool. But like, this is What did you say exactly?
Connell: If it was something like, Hey, you don't seem to be that she said something like she was like, Oh, we can reschedule again. I said, That's okay. Yeah. You don't seem like you're that into this, you know? Yeah.
Robbie: By walking away.
Connell: Right, Right.
Robbie: By walking away and not having those high expectations, not being salty and just saying like, you know what is cool? Like, it gave her the space to really be like, Oh, wow, I'm making a mistake here. And women won't realize they're making mistakes unless you do a lot of walking away. Right? And it's just that whole sort of negotiation. The person who's willing to walk away has more power in any sort of negotiation. And you can look at yeah, you can look at dating as like a form of sales or a negotiation, right? The same principles apply. And so I love that you did that. And it's like I said, it's very opposite of what most guys would do in that situation. They'd either like to say, Oh, no problem. They'd ask her out again the next week, which would just be even a higher percentage of a flake. Or they would get angry and said, Send something rude and that would blow them out.
Connell: Got it. Great. Great. Thanks for the feedback. I. I. Flaking is a thing. And men do it too. Look, it's not women who do this only thing. Sure, I've done it in the past, but I try. I try to be the change I want in the world. When? When I was single last time. So let's get back to maybe talking about some strategies, because I can hear my listener thinking. I want to make out with two girls at once. I. I want to not run around the club approaching a thousand women. I want to learn this sort of social circle approach. But hey, without becoming an actual promoter, are there any practical tips and strategies that our listener can apply to get the kind of dating success with sought after women that you're talking about?
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Robbie: Yeah, that's a great question. And when I tell my story, a lot of the time guys will say, Well, that's cool that you did it. Whatever, man. You had this setup with these promoters, but that's not going to work for me. And I say, Well, there's always some creative angle that you could find down the road to be a value add, you know, in a hot woman adjacent sort of industry. Right. But before I get into that, I say you don't need to have access to promoters and promoters tables. You can do all the things you're doing with this kind of traditional game to set up this lifestyle. So the only thing you do need is a wingman, right? Because if you try to start hosting parties and create a ratio that's in your favor, if you're the only guy there, it's just going to just not work, right? You can't invite seven girls to your party that you've met through day games or online games. Like, Hey, what's up? It's just me and you guys right there. So. So you need at least one wingman. And that can be a struggle for most guys. That can actually be the hardest thing is to find that wingman, which is why I'm such a fan of of guys like, you know, finding local guys in their community that are into the stuff or joining a mastermind program with other guys that are going through this journey because the typical guys in your life usually are good wingman like your normal friends. I guess you could say that art is into personal development and that they aren't kind of doing these things like approaching. Most guys are too scared, so you really need to find a guy who's kind of at your level and who's willing to kind of take this action. And then what you do is you kind of row together. So rather than simply try to set up dates through the women that you meet, either, you know, in real life or online, you're going to instead you're going to meet them face to face once for a short little date. And, you know, it would be the same as any other date. But in your mind, you're going to cut it off after like 30 minutes to an hour. Basically what you want to do is you want to create some normal, like attraction, comfort, get to know or get kind of past that like small talk phase, and then you want to end the date. And what that'll do is it'll make her kind of want you more. She won't really be expecting that because most guys try to, you know, take it all the way, the finish line the very first night. And then what you're going to do is you're going to add her on Instagram. It's important to also have an Instagram to make this work. Right. And then you and your wingman are going to set up weekly parties. Or maybe you start with monthly parties. And these if.
Connell: I could just jump in real quick, please hold your thought because this is great and make it a good Instagram. Yes, you're taking good photos of your cool lifestyle. Instagram is basically permission to show people a little fear of missing out. Right. So high value, cool trips, travel look good. In other words, not selfies of you in your garage.
Connell: Right? Exactly.
Connell: Okay. Yeah. I just want to say that that's super.
Robbie: Important because guys, to try to do this without a solid Instagram are just going to bump against a lot of resistance. Yeah. And so, yeah, that's a very vital ingredient. The wingman and both of you guys need to have solid Instagrams, high quality photos. And what you're going to do is you're going to kind of like use Instagram to market these little parties you're throwing, and they don't have to be big parties. In fact, you want them to be like, the maximum I recommend is 25 people total. Right? And it's totally fine to start with an eight person party. What matters isn't the overall number. What matters is the ratio. You want to get close to that. I call it the golden ratio 3 to 1 women to men and guys will think like, why would a woman want to go to a party where there's that many more women? And it's a bit counterintuitive, but women hate being at Sausage Fest because they're just getting like it on. Like the meat, right. Is uncomfortable for them. They actually love being in an environment where there's more women because women are a lot more graceful in their social interactions. And if they see a guy who's able to cultivate that sort of ratio, they immediately say, Wow, who's this guy who can pull this off? This is impressive.
Connell: So you have a good tip.
Robbie: You have that built in pre-selection simply by having that ratio in your favor. So let's say you go out, you do someday game, you do some online game, you get three girls to come to RSVP for your party and most of the time they're not going to come alone, right? They're going to bring equipment any time, bring it, bring a girlfriend, right? And your buddy does the same thing. He gets three girls and they all bring a girlfriend. Now you've got both of you and you've got six girls at your party. And it could be like a little wine tasting thing or a charcuterie board or a movie night or a game night. Like you can have these sort of cool themed parties. And I and I'm always coaching my clients on how they can kind of create these these cool little interesting parties that women want to come to. They even make these fliers on to post on Instagram that are kind of funny and as a way to market the parties. And then so, you know, you get content from the parties, then you post them on Instagram and you're creating a bunch of FOMO. So the girls who didn't come see that they missed out, they. Want to come to the next one. The other girls in your life are seeing you in the company of lots of other girls. And if you do this consistently, your social circle will expand and your options will just blow up. It's the best sort of dating hack I've ever found is to to transition from a hunter sort of mindset like the approaching going to go after one girl at a time to more of like a farming idea where you're trying to, you know, cultivate an environment where you have a ratio and yeah.
Connell: It is a promoter. It's more of a promoter mindset, isn't it?
Robbie: That's exactly what it is. Yeah.
Connell: Yeah. Mm hmm. I would imagine I did a little of this back in my training era. This means social circle dating and creating events. And what I found and tell me of this is the case, if you've seen this with your the guys you've worked with, what I found was it was a lot easier to walk up to a woman chat in a more friendly way and invite her to a cool event and have her commit to that than it would be to get her to go out on a date with me. Have you found that to be the case? It's a lower bar for a number and having her show up to an event with two or three of her girlfriends versus a one on one date with me.
Robbie: You know, that. Can that be effective, too? It really kind of depends on if it's interesting. If you have that mindset going in, it's like you're you're is a self-fulfilling prophecy, Right? Because what'll happen is she's going to be like, oh, this guy must have cool events, and he's very confident in inviting me to this thing and she'll show up. But what I find when I coach guys through this process, if they go out intentionally trying to get girls to come to their events, they can come across a little too salesy and that kind of loses like the invite loses its luster, which is why I recommend if that's not working, like sure, try your strategy if that if that sounds good to you, but if that's not working, just take them on that short little get to know you date, right? Coffee, grab a drink and sort of ended early. Okay. And so that's also a great way you can do it. I'm glad you added that. Whatever you can do to get them there. Right. Like whether that's inviting them straight, taking them on a date first. Like, if you already have the beauty of this is you don't have to do that for very long because eventually your social circle is going to grow organically. The girls are going to keep coming back. They're going to keep bringing more girls. And the trick here is to not be super thirsty and aggressive at the events. You want to kind of play the long game once they're over. And that's being cool, being friendly, kind of friends, owning the girls. Like if they're showing you a lot of love. Sure, go ahead. Like, hook up like the girls, like staying at the end of the party. And she's like, you know, like, show me your room. You should probably maybe tomorrow.
Connell: I'm busy, you know? Right? Yeah. Do it. Don't overdo it.
Robbie: But you. Play it. You play it too Cool. Yeah, I care. But, yeah, as time goes on, you're just going to. It's just going to be a smorgasbord of. Of love.
Connell: That's your second book. You're after 5 to 7 years of debauchery. Robbie Kramer's follow up smorgasbord Love. Or that's your cooking show.
Robbie: I want to watch that surprise. You're a bestselling author because you're pretty good at coming up with these titles.
Connell: Like I'm good at. I'm good at stupid Jokes. Okay. I was going to ask you to kind of take us through what a successful event slash romantic connection might look at. Look like Maybe there's a success story from one of the many men you've worked with that could sort of show us that. Do you have any good success stories of a guy you met? He was struggling. Maybe he was approaching or wanted to and that wasn't working. And you took this more kind of smorgasbord of love social circle approach, and he came up with a really good win at the end. Yeah. Good success stories to share.
Robbie: Yeah, I got one recently from him. Think he had his third party on Friday that just passed so this is a guy who lives in Austin very successful entrepreneur who runs multiple companies and had a few exits so you know doing very well financially. He's an attractive guy. He's big, he's buff, he's got a bunch of tattoos, but he goes to failed marriages, you know, messy divorces just recently kind of dealing with his second divorce and crippling approach, anxiety, you know, and just to the point where he just won't do it. And so he came to me and he's like, listen, I've worked with approach anxiety coaches. I've done all this stuff. I'm an attractive guy. I can do okay. But my quality online isn't super great. And I'm very uncomfortable when it comes to escalation and just those sorts of steps in the game. And I'm like, all right, well, let's let's use a social circle approach. And I told him, " Listen, it's going to be much harder because you haven't gotten over that fear of rejection and you haven't gone through that approach. Anxiety, which I think is super important for most guys in their journey. But you know, we can work around that. So I had him start to use this party strategy. He found a wingman and a wing woman, and the wing woman is a model and she's also kind of like a party planner. And he was like, Here is my strategy. I went to, like, you know, meet girls and throw these cool events in Austin. And his buddy has no problem approaching girls. So he uses them to kind of fill the parties and he provides the space. He has an amazing, like, penthouse apartment overlooking the city, and he kind of took all of my ideas for creating a cool party. And he just ran with them. Like he created these awesome, like, funny Instagram sort of fliers that he sends out his invites. He has these ridiculous themes. Like one of his themes is like national cotton candy, Naughty Santa Party, like mixing two random things. So people see this like, you know, this meme event flier that, you know, on their Instagram, they're like national cotton candy. Naughty Santa. I'm going to that party.
Robbie: And so, you know, he was like he had the cotton candy machine there. Yeah. That bartender. He had, like, a hot girl deejay. All of the staff are women. So that, you know, helps the ratio. And, you know, he was willing to put some resources behind this. Obviously, there's ways you can do this on the cheap by just having little parties and that's cheaper than going out at the clubs. But you know, he's a successful guy. So he's like, yeah, let's do this. Right? So he hosted his third party, like I said, this past Friday. And his goal was that every girl that walked in the door would introduce himself and then he gave a little sort of toast and speech halfway through the event. And that built his status because the idea of the party is once you have that ratio in your favor, like you got to make sure everyone knows you because otherwise you're missing out on all the status, like at pre-selection benefits. Right? And that second party, he was kind of hiding from a lot of the guests because of his anxiety and he wasn't meeting everyone that came to his event. So I told him, like at this party, make sure you introduce yourself to people by just welcoming them to your home. It's not like you're having a hit on them or anything. And then one of the girls ended up staying over and, you know, hooking up this very cute Brazilian girl. So he was yeah, he was super happy about that. And she made it very obvious that she wanted to stay. And another girl who was actually, you know, wanting him kind of saw that. And he was like, oh, my God, I'm going to turn it off. She's not going to like me anymore. And it's quite the opposite. There's a very high chance that she's even more interested in him due to that, you know, lack of thirst on his part. And clearly, he's a guy with a lot of options.
Connell: Well, that's just ingenious what you just talked about, because what you're helping a guy like that do is make a detour around his social anxiety, around approach, anxiety, which is a big bad will for a lot of men. Right. And you're helping him to do that. People coming to your home, you've invited them to an event. There's no approaching anxiety. There might be some social issues there, but there's not the fear that the white hot fear that approaching a woman on the street can create. So you're making an end around. You don't have to deal with that. And also that social value social status the host of the party not to mention he's a a muscular, cool guy, successful guy that's just going to be attractive to a lot of women, period. Right. Would you agree?
Robbie: Oh, yeah. And that's a great assessment because it's exactly kind of what he needed. And he was so just sort of crippled by that anxiety he was feeling like, you know, because that's that's most of the stuff you're going to find sort of on the Internet. And he had worked, like I said, with others like approaching coaches and he was just kind of like at a wall. But this really opened up the possibilities for him. And, you know, I still recommend that he does get over that anxiety because it will help him in his, you know, just entire overall being. But yeah, there's a workaround there.
Connell: Nice. Okay. In our last five or 6 minutes here, I want to ask you a few rapid fire short questions. Short answer. Are you game? I'm ready. There's. There's been no planning, no pre-planning. I'm just literally making these up right now, I swear. Okay, Coach. Rapid fire. Question number one. If you could go back in time and give your younger pregame Robbie Self some advice, some dating slash social advice, what would your advice be, what would you tell your younger self?
Robbie: I would tell myself that you should approach women earlier. You know, I was always too scared to do it. I'd go out with my friends in the bars and in San Diego like this is in the first few years of college. And I would have a bunch of drinks, but it still didn't give me the courage to approach women. I couldn't really ever consistently do it until I got some coaching and that push I needed. And then I grew so much just from consistently going out and facing rejection like there's nothing better for your inner game. You could say it'll make you more social, less approval seeking, and it's just going to reinforce the fact that you're the type of guy that goes after what he wants in life. And I look at approaching kind of like the analogy of it's like leg day in the gym, right? If you skip leg day, you can look pretty good, but you're going to be pretty weak overall and you're never going to be really great, right? You're never going to be really strong. If you skip like that.
Connell: Weight, you're supposed to work out your legs too, because I only have I only do from the waist up. Okay.
Robbie: That could be like the bud saluting you.
Connell: CODDLE Yeah, That's why I'm an athlete. I'm an athlete in New York. Cycle the sleepless in Seattle. Okay, next question. Rapid Fire. They're making a movie about your dating life. True story. The Robbie Kramer story. Mm hmm. What is the opening scene of this movie? In other words, what's the moment that's going to pull us in? And whether it's a heroic success you had or. An awful moment. That would suck us in. What's the opening scene of the movie? Of your dating life?
Robbie: Hmm. That's a good question. I mean, I feel like it might be that story I already told that was so brutal, like sort of visceral. I think it would make a great scene in a movie, just like because I feel like every guy at some point has gone through that. Yeah. You know.
Connell: Hall of Fame. Awful. What that must have felt like.
Robbie: It's just that like, you know, you put you invest so much into a girl and you think like she's going to be perfect and you think like, Oh, if I just do this and I do this and I fly here, do this, and like, all you're doing is just reinforcing something that's not going to work out. Like, even if you get that girl, the investment level on your side is so far above what hers is like. You're never going to have that amazing sort of equal love back and forth.
Connell: Can I just say that? That yeah, I mean, the way you bounce back from that is absolutely is just inspiring to have your date or the woman you want to be dating all of a sudden making out with another guy and another girl and then they go off and have a Caligula orgy or whatever they did for you to bounce back from that. It just shows a lot of character. And I think the lesson there for you listening to this is there will be low moments where a result doesn't connect or a girl doesn't hook up with you. She chooses another guy or you get dumped or you get flaked on or whatever it is. And what's going to define your character as a man and lead to that success next time is dust yourself off and get up and say, okay, let me do let me learn something new, let me fix this. So that was yeah, that was an amazing story.I appreciate it. That's your opening scene.
Robbie: Yeah, thanks. It was, you know, luckily, I had been in the game for a while at that point. And so you know, it's not like those sort of things were totally uncommon. But yeah, that was definitely the worst one. And you just have to do that's what you're signing up for when you go through this journey. But on the other side there are tremendous benefits if you're willing to sort of put yourself in those situations that most guys aren't willing to do.
Connell: Yes. And you have beautiful stories, a girlfriend or wife.
Connell: You know, incredible. A gorgeous wife. I'm sure I haven't met her yet. I'm sure she's a wonderful person. So look at the wonderful person. You get a beautiful, gorgeous woman you get to share your life with. And that's also the outcome that we're helping men achieve. Okay. One more rapid fire question, then we'll get to the game Changing tips. What is the biggest myth in dating that you're so sick of hearing? And it's just total bullshit.
Robbie: Biggest myth.
Connell: Hmm. Dating or pickup or anything in this area. What's just What do people get so wrong about?
Robbie: That's a really good question. I guess I want to say something about online dating. I feel like. You know, these online dating sites do such a good job of marketing to the average guy, and they make it seem like it's so easy to, like, get linked up with people. And the reality of the situation is it's really, really hard. And, you know, it's never been harder, I think, in the history of men to sort of like find a woman as it's been like right now, you know, just due to like you've got you've got feminism, you know, for the last 70 years or so, you've got these very sort of like unbalanced laws, antiquated laws when it comes to like, you know, child, what they call it, you know, when you get divorced. Right? Like divorce laws are very much stacked against men's favor. You know, with online dating, women just get a flood of leads and a ton of attention, which raises their sort of like relative value sky high. And it lowers your value as a man, just a simple supply and supply and demand marketplace. And so guys are like, what? What do I have to do to, like, just get a date or what do I have to do to just like, you know, find a girl? And then you see these guys like Daniel Zarian, who are just swimming in women, like they've got these 100 women harems, right? And it's like the rich are getting richer sort of thing. And that's why I kind of went to that social circle strategy, because I'm like, there's these guys that are doing this, and what everyone else is doing is just totally floundering. It is really hard, you know, like if you're kind of just doing it, if you're not really putting a lot of thought and effort into this, it's really, really hard and you're going to get really poor results because there are guys that are willing to, like, bust their ass like I was doing and get these and like what you've done obviously, and get tremendous results by really like, you know, getting a coach and looking at the stuff. So, you know, I just feel for guys out there because like, it shouldn't be this hard, but I think we're just kind of in a time with Instagram that makes it even harder and just the function of our culture with the Internet. So it seems easy. It seems like, Oh, I can go on Twitter and there's all these women, but actually getting them face to face is very difficult. So I guess that's kind of a myth wrapped into something else.
Connell: Okay. Yeah, it's very competitive. Online dating is very, very competitive and. 75, 80% of the men are all right. Swiping on the top 20% of the women is my perception total. And so we're kind of elbowing each other, trying to swipe on the beautiful women. And they have so many options. It's hard to be the one to actually get a match with her, let alone get her out on a date with you. Now, that said, I did meet my girlfriend Jasmine on a dating app, but even that, I think I was helped by the fact that I have the cool slash weird hook of being a dating coach. So I stood out. I stood out. She's like, Oh, I want to have a first date with a dating quota. Maybe it's kind of cool and different. And who knows if I'm not a dating coach, I probably never even meet her. So it is, it is tough if you don't. And what I do with my clients is, we make their profile really high value, authentic, but also come up with some kind of a hook to help them get that be that break that breaks the swiping pattern of just women saying, no, no, no, no, no. Trying to be different in our last few minutes here. Let's get to the really good stuff. I'm going to ask you for your top three game changing dating tips. They can all be social circles. They can be across the board in any area of dating confidence online dating approaching totally up to you in any particular order. What are your top three game changing dating tips?
Robbie: So the first one is don't chase women. Hopefully that's kind of been a theme throughout. And you told that really amazing story. That's just a testament to that. Guys who are chasing women are you know, you just lower your social status, you look thirsty. It's just a really bad cologne. And the more sort of, you know, desperate you get, the more cheesy you're going to get, too. So it's kind of like a snowball effect. And a lot of the time you won't even know that you're doing it. So it's really important to kind of step up, take a step back and make sure you're not putting out that sort of cheesy energy because that will just kill any result that you can possibly have, especially with the women you really want. You're just going to chase them even more so, you know, learn some strategies to approach and to build a social circle. And like, like what you're teaching with this online dating with a niche or a hook is so important versus just doing what everyone else is doing, which is to chase the energy. So the great one I would say is I think the, the single biggest thing you can do to kind of like change your results overnight is really focus on optimizing your appearance. And of course that means your fashion. But it's not just your fashion, it's your body shape, it's your body language, your grooming, your eye contact, like those things I kind of all put in under, under image. And like this simple, like grooming stuff can make a huge difference. Like going to a barber not once every two months, but like, you know, every few weeks and getting that nice, like, line on your beard so you don't have the gross neck beard, you know, having a really cool hairstyle. Most guys make big mistakes. They let their hair get kind of long on the sides. And if you're thin on top, it looks so much worse. You just look like George Costanza from Seinfeld.
Robbie: So keep that hair nice and short of the size in the back. You know.
Connell: I love it. And I tell my guys who I coach both in real life, but also just Skype on the phone. I say you can't do much about your looks, my face, your bone structure. That is what it is. But your look, clothes style, body posture, eye contact, facial hair, all things that we are very controllable and that really can have an effect positive impact on the women who meet you. So great stuff. And then tip number three.
Robbie: So the last one is, you know, get coaching or mentoring from someone better than you because you can try to do the stuff on your own. You can listen to podcasts, watch YouTube videos, you know, and you can consume content. But it's a very slow process. And what's really, I think, sabotaging most guys is we're making mistakes that we're not really aware of. And it's not like your buddies, your friends, your family, they're not going to tell you that you're doing these things right. If you have really bad breath, people probably aren't going to tell you that. And it's going to totally sabotage almost every single one of your dates. Like do something silly like that. Or like if you wear the same jacket to your dates, which I had a client that was doing that and the jacket reeked of B.O., he had no idea. I'm like, How often do you wear that jacket? And he was like, on my last like, and it's like, Dude, I can smell Sorry for the F-bomb there, but.
Connell: Like, it's okay. It's all right of dev and.
Robbie: Like, do just change the jacket. And he started getting results. It's like, so, like there's these little things that guys are doing that are totally screwing them over, but because they haven't hired a coach or someone who will give them that honest feedback, they just never know. So you think you're saving money by like, you know, only consuming content, but really you're wasting time. And as you get older, you realize. Time is the most valuable resource we have on this planet. So the fastest way to improve at anything is to hire a coach who you can relate to, you know, who is someone that you can kind of like see yourself in and just do what they did. Like just good. What should I do? Tell me what to do. Go do it. And you're going to improve really fast. Is this guaranteed?
Connell: Yeah. The notes, the feedback can sting a little. At least it used to for me, because I'm a weird perfectionist. But it was the coach who said, Oh, Connell, your eye contact is terrible or your voice is too wimpy or you're slouching, then I could correct it. So yeah, information consuming content is overrated. Action is underrated, but action plus coaching, personalized feedback can really be a game changer.
Robbie: Yeah, I like I said that it's both really that action and then, you know, the game changing feedback. So.
Connell: Right I'm leaving this podcast. I mean I'm about to when we finish, I'm going to take an improv class because I need that feedback from a coach. I want to hear what I can do better. I don't want to hear that I sucked in a scene. But I need to know how I. Can fix it so I can be better next time. Robby, thank you. Thank you so much for joining us and, uh, telling us all about how you coach. I love you. You're very intelligent. Uh, in some senses, just a brilliant things that you're doing using social circle and and helping men use the power of helping them kind of make an end around, around things like approach anxiety and just kind of doing this in a really creative way for anybody who might want to work with you or just learn more about you. Can you talk about how they can find you?
Robbie: Sure. Yeah. So I love when people just kind of hit me up personally on Instagram, you know? So if you listen and you like what I had to say, shoot me a message. I'm Robbie Rob. AII underscore Kramer, Robbie Kramer. I'm sure I'll be in the show notes. So, yeah, hit me up. And then also, if you want to check out my podcast and listen to the awesome interview that you and I did together. Connell That's called the Leverage podcast. You can find that, you know, anywhere you consume podcast or you can also go to my site which is inner confidence dot com and I've got a cool mastermind community with that guy in there where we talk about these, these throwing these consistent parties and building the social circle and that's called the leverage program. So if you just go over to inner confidence dot com, you'll kind of find everything.
Robbie: And don't forget about Robbie's upcoming book, 5 to 7 Years of Debauchery coming out sometime in the next 5 to 7 years.
Robbie: You're going to write the foreword for that, I hope.
Robbie: Yes, I'm in. I am in. Robbie, thanks for being here and thank you for listening. And don't forget to go out. Take courageous, authentic action. Because remember, women already like you, they just have to meet the real you. All right. See you next time.
Speaker 2 Thank you for listening to the Dating Transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos and other goodies, go to Dating Transformation Icon. See you next time.
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Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. I'm coach Connell Barrett, and I help men build confidence + connect with women by being their own authentic selves.
NYC Dating Coach Connell Barrett
106 W 32nd St, New York, NY 10001