Connell Barrett:
Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I am here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and attract a wonderful girlfriend, and do it all by being authentic. Dating with integrity and heart. No sketchy pickup artist moves needed at all. And today's a really cool episode. I wanna give you a really simple, elegant, three step framework so that you will always know what to say and how to break the ice with a woman you see out in the regular world in your day to day or night to night life. You know, maybe you see a really pretty girl at the gym, or maybe there's a woman you have caught eyes with on the subway or in your commute, and you have always wanted to say hi to her, but you're just not sure what to say. And you're worried you know, you get stuck in your head. You don't wanna say something creepy. You don't wanna hit on her. You don't wanna get rejected. And I wanna give you a really simple, elegant way to always know what to say and what to do, and also do it in a way that has a very high success ratio in terms of getting a positive response from the woman. So that's what you're gonna get this episode, my elegant three step open, break the ice open sort of framework. And what I want for you to be able to do is I want you to feel really confident and comfortable to always know what to say and how to say it when you see a woman out there in the real world, and also to know that you're gonna come off as charming. You're gonna come off as normal and authentic and genuine and not some weird creepy pickup dude and have mostly good responses from women. Sounds good? Okay. Let's talk about this. And first of all, let me share the biggest mistake that most men make, and then I'll bet you're making too. It's very simple, almost like a secret hidden mistake. Here's the mistake. It's actually a mindset mistake that can hurt your confidence. You're probably asking yourself this question before you approach a woman or even consider approaching her. Here's the mistake. You're asking yourself, what do I say to get her to like me, or what do I say to make this go well? That is an understandable question. It makes sense. Right? You wanna know what to say and how to say it. However, when you ask yourself this question, the reason why it's a mistake is because the answer that your brain gives you creates tension. If you're, you're setting the bar very high for what you think you need to say to break the ice with a woman. And by asking yourself the what do I say question, the answer your mind usually comes up with is, oh, well, say something witty and funny and amazing and incredible and charismatic. All of a sudden, you feel the pressure to say the perfect thing. So that's why that's a bad question to ask yourself. And, hey, no judgment from me. I asked myself that question all the time when I was first learning about meeting women out in the real world and approaching them. So I've been there. I feel your pain. And every time I overthought, what do I say? What's the right thing? It put pressure on me. It made me feel like I had to do a great approach. And the bottom line is women don't want some amazing, high-tech, perfectly witty approach. They just wanna meet a cool, normal guy and have a genuine, present, light conversation with a cool guy like you. That's all you have to do. So we're gonna get rid of that question. So no more no more asking yourself, what do I say? What's the right thing to say? What's the perfect thing to say? Bottom line, there is no perfect thing to say. Really, that question is the reason why that question is so disempowering. The question is really asking you, what is the perfect thing to say that can guarantee that I don't get rejected? And there is nothing that I can give you to say that guarantees you will not get rejected, and she will drop down and beg for you to ask for her phone number. That's not gonna happen to any man. So let's get rid of that question, and let's instead replace it with a much more empowering framework. And here's what today's episode is about. This is my 3 step framework. It's kind of a flirting framework for light, light, charming icebreakers. So it's a 3 step framework. Here it is. So instead of saying, what do I say? What's the right thing to do? I'm gonna give you this 3 step framework. And these are all indirect icebreakers. Indirect. So if you read my book or if you just know anything about the industry, the arena of meeting women, you might know that there are indirect openers and direct openers. So, for example, a direct opener would be when you make very clear with your opening words that you are attracted to this woman, that you're there for potential romance. So, for example, a direct opener, which we're not gonna talk about today, but a direct opener would be if you're at a bookstore. You see a beautiful woman, and you walk up to her and say, hi. You're gorgeous. You seem like my type. I wanted to meet you. That opener is direct, and it's making your interest clear. That's not what we're gonna talk about today. Today, we're gonna talk about the other kind, indirect approach openers. An indirect opener is a more conversational, more friendly, more chill icebreaker. And the reason why I love indirect opens is because they have a very high percentage of good responses from women of getting you into the conversation by being indirect. The thing about being direct is that it's very polarizing. You walk up and say, hey. You're beautiful. I wanted to meet you. What's up? That's either gonna get a big thumbs up or a big thumbs down. And, frankly, most of the time, it's gonna get a thumbs down. So it's a very low purse, it's a lower percentage, approach. And when it hooks, when a woman loves it, that's great. But maybe you don't like the idea of getting rejected a lot, because you are gonna get blown out, quote unquote rejected when you approach women directly. However, what I'm about to share with you, my little elegant 3 step system, 3 step framework, is we're using indirect for every single approach. And that means there's a high likelihood that she's gonna like and enjoy the interaction, at least the thing you say. She's not gonna push back. So here we go. Here we go. I'm not gonna tell you exactly what to say. What I love about this framework is that the situation is gonna tell you what to say. You don't have to plan anything. You get to be spontaneous, and you get to figure it out in the moment. So let me give you the framework, and then we'll go through and walk through some hypotheticals. Option number 1, you see that attractive woman, that intriguing woman out in the real world? Option number 1 is you give her a specific, genuine, authentic compliment about something that's g rated. So you don't compliment her physical parts. You don't compliment her beauty or her body. But you might compliment something she's wearing, her really cool tattoo, the awesome leather jacket she's wearing, the cool dog she's walking, something about you know, I was at a bar with clients a couple weeks back, and this woman had some really cool dance moves. And I had my client walk up and compliment her groovy dance moves. Next thing you know, the 2 of them are dancing together at this lounge. So option number 1 for an indirect opener is you give her a compliment, something specific that's authentic and genuine, and that's that's it. You simply give the compliment. Okay. That's option number 1. Option number 2 is you ask a question that makes sense in the context, where you are. You ask a question. You don't plan it. You don't write it out ahead of time. It's not a script. We're not doing scripted, canned pickup material here. No. We're being spontaneous and in the moment. So step 2 is you ask a, you ask a question that makes sense in the moment, and that's gonna change based on the context. For example, I was in a coffee shop once, and this woman next to me, a beautiful, attractive, stylish woman was next to me, and I thought to myself, what question makes sense to ask her? And I just simply turned to her and I said, what are you thinking about getting today, iced coffee or hot coffee? Are you an iced iced coffee girl or a hot coffee girl? And she smiled and thought about it and she said, you know, I go both ways. I like both, hot and cold. And I said, that's not me. I'm all about hot coffee or cold coffee. Iced coffee is not for me. And so we started a nice, light conversation. And this is a very socially normal question to ask. You're just in a coffee shop asking about coffee. Another example would be I'm color blind, by the way, so I've gone clothes shopping before, and I have trouble seeing red and greens and browns because my rods and cones are all messed up. And I was at a clothing store, and a few times, I've asked women to simply say, excuse me, miss. I have a question for you. I need your opinion. What color is this shirt? Because I can't tell because I'm color blind. And I don't remember a single woman who quote unquote rejected me ever because it's a simple, normal question. So a little mini recap here. Number 1, a specific, genuine compliment about her or something you notice about her. Option number 2 is a question that makes sense based on the context. Like, you're at a bookstore, and you see a woman reading a book that you've heard about or that you've read, and you might ask her, oh, have you read that author before? That's a really good book. Do you know his stuff or her stuff? That's a normal question. And so, hopefully, what you're noticing about what I'm sharing today is that these are almost rejection proof because you're not hitting on her. You're not putting some weird, vulgar sexuality out there too soon. You're just being chill and normal and sociable, and the vast majority of women are gonna respond to a sincere, specific g rated compliment or a simple, normal question with pretty positive or at least a friendly response, if not very positive and very friendly. So option number 2 is that question that makes sense. And option number 3, this is my favorite. This is my personal favorite. Option number 3 is you observe something unusual about her, what she's doing, the situation, and you call out the unusual thing. You call and you observe something a little bit unusual and you call it out. And this doesn't always present itself. There's not always something unusual, but often there is. And once you notice it and mention it, this is a way to make a really good first impression, a fun, playful way to break the ice as you observe something unusual. For example, I was in Miami many years ago, and I walked past this yoga studio. And there was a girl, a woman standing outside the studio. She had a yoga mat in one hand, and she was smoking a cigarette in the other. So what's unusual about that? Well, a woman is doing something very healthy and something very unhealthy at the same time. So I think so I just call that out. I said something like, ah, nothing like nothing like a Marlboro red after your downward facing dog or something like that. And she laughed. The laugh of recognition, the laugh of recognition. She's like, yeah. Yeah. I've been trying to quit. It's pretty tough. Here's another example. I was at a bookstore once, and I saw a woman unfolding a big paper map. And if you think about it, here we are in the 20 twenties. Who uses a big paper map these days? That's very old. That's an old, very old, antiquated thing to do. Like, they did that in the eighties and nineties. So I thought to myself, that's unusual, and I called that out. I said, is that a paper map? Like, wow. And then I said, are you a time traveler from the 19 eighties? Is your DeLorean parked out back? And she laughed and got it. And so that's an example of an unusual thing. Here's one more unusual thing. This actually happened with one of my clients. He was at a coffee shop, and he was at that little stand of the coffee shop, the little island where you put in the sugar and the cream. And the woman next to him put, like, 5 or 6 sugars in her coffee. That's a little bit unusual. One sugar is normal. 5 or 6 is unusual. And his icebreaker was, oh, I see that you take a little bit of coffee with your sugar. And she giggled and smiled, and all of a sudden, they're talking, having a great conversation, or at least a friendly light conversation. So that third option, may be observing something unusual. This won't always arise, but when you notice it, it's a great way to break the ice. And all you do is you simply notice the thing that's unusual, and you call it out to her. You could simply say, oh, hey. I noticed a blank. Here's one more example. I was at a coffee shop once, and there was a woman on her with her on her laptop. And you know how people put big stickers on their laptops with their, you know, political affiliation or their, favorite, I don't know, quote, some kind of arty design. Well, she had this giant sticker on her laptop, and it said less what was it again? It was more feminism, less bullshit. So, clearly, this woman is broadcasting her views. She's a feminist. Just so happens that at that time in my life, I was learning a lot about feminism. I was learning all about feminism and then I was listening to feminism podcasts. I was listening to a podcast by Greg Proust, a great comedian who's also a very outspoken feminist. Anyway, I noticed this giant sticker. So that's step 3 or option 3. I noticed something unusual, and I said, hey. Excuse me. I just noticed that sticker. That's a really cool sticker. The feminism sticker. I'm actually listening to a feminism podcast right now. Her eyes lit up. She's like, really? What podcast? And I told her which one. And all of a sudden, next thing I know, I'm sitting next to her on an instant date, talking about feminism first and then podcasts and life in general with a really interesting, pretty, smart, intelligent woman. And all it started with was making that observation. So a quick recap. Instead of worrying about what's the right thing to say, stop asking yourself what's the right perfect thing to say. Instead, ask yourself, which of these 3 icebreaking options should I choose based on the situation? And the situation, the context, the things you notice will tell you what to say. So first ask yourself, that woman at the bar standing next to me, what could I compliment her on that is genuine, that's authentic, and relatively specific, but also g rated? Hey. Excuse me, miss. That's a really cool, I don't know, pair of boots you're wearing. I've complimented women on their boots, on their great style, their dance moves, their tattoos, their choice of drink, the book they're reading, all kinds of things. I want some here and here's a quick story. I was once walking down Union Square in New York City, and I turned to my right, and there's a gorgeous woman, Brunette, and she had this really confident walk. She was walking like she owned the place. She owned the city in a sense, and I noticed that. And I said, hey. I love how you walk. You walk like you're the mayor of New York City. That was my way of complimenting her. And she said, well, I am the mayor of New York City. She said it with a little flirty smile. And I said, oh, wow. Well, you look much better in person than you do on TV, missus Mayer. So all of a sudden, 3 three sentences, and I'm already flirting with her. It's very light. It's very playful. And literally 5 minutes later, we went to a smoothie bar for an instant date. And all I did was begin with a compliment. That's all. A specific compliment. Had I said to her, hey, you look really sexy today. You're gorgeous. She might have liked that, but more likely than not, that would have been too much too soon for her. That direct open would have gotten me rebuffed, rejected. But the indirect, genuine compliment, she liked it. It was light and playful. She played back. She hit the ball back, so to speak, and next thing you know, we're on an instant I'm on an instant smoothie date with a beautiful dynamite cool woman. So that's option that's a story for option 1, compliment, a sincere, specific, G rated compliment. Step 2 is what's a question that makes sense in the environment? What question makes sense? And all I simply do is ask myself, what's happening right now in the situation, or what could I ask her that is a normal thing to ask? And the example would be for that one, again, I remember I was at a really cool lounge, and I was out of town. I was in another city. And I saw this woman next to me, and I said, hey. Is this, like, the really cool place to be here? I forgot where we were. I think it was Miami. It's my first time in Miami. I said, hey. Is this this, like, the really cool bar and lounge to be in? She said, oh, no. I mean, it's okay, but there's other cool places to be in. It was just a normal question, and there's nothing to really push back and reject there. Don't get me wrong. You do wanna flirt. You do wanna put some flirtatious cards on the table, but you have plenty of time for that. You don't need to say anything in those first sentences. It's gonna get you sort of pegged as a pickup dude. And the third option is that observation. Here's one more quick observation: an open story. Again, my favorite kind of open indirect is an observation. I was at a, I was standing outside Barnes and Noble bookstore in Manhattan, and there was a woman who was on the outside also, and she was looking through the window inside. But she was doing it for, like, 10, 15 straight seconds, which was a little unusual. And I thought to myself, that's kinda strange. And I walked up to her and I said, hey. Can I ask you a question? Are you on time out? Did you get in trouble? Did you get kicked out of Barnes and Noble for doing something wrong? So I love a playful opener. And one of the nice things about observing the unusual thing is that with a little bit of practice, it's a great way to practice being playful, and women love that. Not every woman wants to be hit on. I should say most women don't wanna be hit on. Some women, but not most, want a sexual, really bold, direct open. The vast majority of women love a light, playful opener. That's what they want. So there is your 3 elegant, 3 option, multiple choice opening system. Simple, I should say, specific g rated compliment, question that makes sense in the environment, and or an observation of an unusual thing. And so go out there and practice this. Don't just listen to this podcast. Don't just go, oh, cool. Alright. That's an interesting approach. I never thought of that. Don't just listen to my podcast. Go out and do it. Go out in the world. Or at the very least, as you see women you wanna talk to, do at least a little mental exercise before you start breaking the ice. Oh, hey. What's a compliment I could give her? What's a question I might ask? What's an observation? 1st, at least do a little mental prep, and then go out and test drive it. And the reason I love this approach is the vast majority of women whom you talk to this way, break the ice this way, you're gonna get a response ranging from polite at worst to very attractive, very appreciative, and very flirtatious. You're not gonna get very many meanings, don't talk to me. Like, what's a woman gonna say? How dare you give me a compliment about my style, you creep? No. There's nothing creepy about this. This is very charming. It's very elegant, and it also has a very high percentage success ratio. 6 I'm defining success, by the way, of a good positive response from her and you feeling good. So go out there, Try this 3 step system. Stop asking yourself, what's the perfect opener? Instead, ask yourself, should I give her a compliment, ask her a question, or observe something unusual? And just choose whichever of those 3 presents itself to you, and then you will tell you what to say. So you'll never have to worry. What should I say again? Alright. That is today's episode. Thank you so much for listening, and remember, your dream girlfriend, the woman who's gonna change your life and share your life with you. She's already out there. She just needs to meet the real authentic you. Till next time.