Connell Barrett:
To swipe or not to swipe, that is the question. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach and author, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you confidently flirt with women and attract your dream girlfriend all by being authentic. No toxic pickup tricks needed. And this is part 2 of a 5 part week long series this week to help you get a girlfriend. And last time, I went over what I call man to woman communication, which is that turbocharged form of flirting and doing it as your authentic self. Today in part 3, it's all about how to write flirty openers on the dating apps that'll get women replying and also how to text women to get you dates.

Connell Barrett:
So it's about how to be man to woman, but do it with online dating openers and when texting women. Because if you're like most guys, you probably struggle with writing online dating openers and with texting women on the apps. You probably get ghosted. It costs you dates and confidence. And look, it's just so frustrating to match with a really attractive, intriguing woman only to hear this sound after you send her that opener. So let's get rid of that cricket noise for once and for all. You're about to learn 2 really, really powerful and also, of course, practical things. I'm gonna teach you how to write irresistible openers that women reply to on today's episode, and I'm also gonna give you my 4 step framework that's gonna make it so easy for you to know what to text her and to be able to keep women interested and messaging you back so that you can get dates.

Connell Barrett:
So you're about to get really good at writing online dating openers that women reply to, and you're about to get really good at texting. And some of these openers are so good that if you're like me and some of my clients, a lot of times a woman will message you her phone number with her first or second message, or she starts to chase you, she starts to message you saying, hey. How's your date? How's your day? When are you asking me out? So if you want that kind of attention from women, then stick around, and, also, stick around to the very end of the episode because I'm gonna give you my favorite one size fits all opener. I call it the surprisingly sexy opener, which is a fun, flirty opener that I would say over 60% of women reply to, who I message and my clients message. I get a 60 plus percentage response rate. So listen to the surprisingly sexy opener, which I'll share in the last few minutes of today's episode. And, also, I'm gonna give you a mission to do as well at the very end because this podcast is not just about passively consuming dating advice. Think of this as a dating coach session with me as your hitch, with me as your coach.

Connell Barrett:
And information is great, but you gotta take action. So I'm gonna give you some missions to take action at the end of this episode. So before I get to the really good stuff, the really really good way of teaching, first of all, I just wanna say thank you for being here. I know that you are busy. You've got a job. You've got a life. You've got a million other podcasts or places you can consume dating advice. Thank you for being here with me.

Connell Barrett:
I also wanna say that I know I think I know what you're going through. I remember myself struggling on the dating apps back in the day. When I first started working on my dating life after my wife of 9 weeks dumped me and I found myself needing to start all over again, I remember struggling on Tinder. I only got one good match on Tinder in the 1st 6 months using it. I was really struggling, and the one good match I got, her name is Veronica. I remember this one good match I had. I was really excited about meeting her. At the very last minute before our planned first date, she ghosted me and unmatched me.

Connell Barrett:
And I was so hurt and so lonely I remember I was in my apartment, and I grabbed the stapler that was on my desk, and I threw it against the wall because I was so frustrated by a lack of matches, a lack of dates, and getting ghosted by the one good lead that I had. I remember just thinking, I guess I'm just not what women want. Anyway, that's how I felt at the time, but my problem wasn't that I'm not enough. Basically, my problem it's not that I sucked. It's that my profile sucked and my online dating opener sucked and my texting probably sucked, but I was not the problem. And what I want you to know is you do not suck. If you're struggling on dating apps, especially with what to say, if you struggle with texting and with dating in general, you are not broken. You do not suck.

Connell Barrett:
Your openers suck. Your profile probably sucks, just like mine did, but you are a great guy. You have a great heart. You have a lot to offer. You are more than enough. I want you to know that because that's the lesson I wish I would have learned almost 20 years ago. I wrote a book called Dating Sucks But You Don't, and the reason I called it that is because I say to my clients, look, dude. Your dating profile sucks.

Connell Barrett:
That's why you're struggling, but you don't suck. You're amazing, and I want you to know that you are amazing. I really mean that heart to heart. I mean, I don't know you personally, but I really do believe that about you. So I went from getting no dates to throwing staplers against the wall in frustration and anger to getting so many matches to getting to cracking the code with online dating and getting dates. I remember, about 3 months after that Veronica disaster, I remember I had a 3 night stretch of 3 straight first dates with 3 different women from dating profiles from Tinder, and I had 3 straight first date makeouts with 3 different really cool, really cute girls that had never happened to me before. I was walking home on a Saturday night after that Saturday night, that 3rd really good date, and I just remember thinking, wow. Maybe maybe attractive women really do like me.

Connell Barrett:
Maybe there's hope for me yet. And, and that's what I want for you. I want you to have 3 straight great dates and 3 straight nights, 3 different makeouts with beautiful, cool women so that you can choose a really great girlfriend from some nice options. That's my vision for you. I want you to choose a wonderful girlfriend from some nice choices where you say, you know what? Amanda is fantastic, and Jessica is a pretty good, fun girl, but not really the kind of woman I wanna see spend my life with. But, wow, Alyssa, she's incredible. We click. We connect.

Connell Barrett:
We have the same things in common. We're both into the same movies and music. I wanna choose her and have Alyssa choose you, which is how she'll choose a boyfriend. So you wanna choose a great girlfriend from a place of abundance. That's what I wanna start helping you do today in terms of getting online dating results. So here we go. Here's the first big tip I wanna give you about how to write irresistible openers on the apps that women reply to. First, here are the 3 big don'ts.

Connell Barrett:
K? When writing online dating openers, don't write an opener that is simply, hey. How's your day? Or hello. Any variation of just saying hi. That bores women, and it just shows them that you made no effort. Another thing is don't write a really short opener. Here's a stat. 90% of men write fewer than 6 words in their opening message, and pretty much all of these 6 word openers fail to get a reply. And the 3rd thing is don't be overtly sexual or vulgar or don't be one of those guys and I don't think this is you, but I wanna say it anyway.

Connell Barrett:
Don't be one of those guys who just asks for sex in the first minute or who says something vulgar. It doesn't work. No woman has ever said, finally, a horny man on a dating app. Thank god. Here's my number, baby. Doesn't happen. Here's another stat, by the way. 1 in 5 men ask a woman for sex within the first eight messages.

Connell Barrett:
So don't do it. Be that classy, authentic gentleman that you are. Okay? A woman I matched with on Bumble and once had a date with, I said, what kind of messages do you get from guys that you really hate? And she said, one guy complimented me on my lips and asked me what else I can do with my lips that he might like, and that was his opener. So gross. So I know that's not you, but that's just an example of what not to do. Okay. Let's get to the really good stuff. Here is the core teaching about how to write irresistible openers.

Connell Barrett:
And let's keep it really simple. I want you to be able to do this with simplicity and consistency and, of course, success. So here's my simplest way of teaching this. I'm gonna give you a concept called the 3 p's. The best openers with online dating have three things in common, what I call the 3 p's. The first p is personalization, where she can tell that you meant that opener for her rather than sending her a cookie cutter one size fits all opener that she can tell is cookie cutter. The second p is playful. In other words, keep things light and fun and funny because Cyndi Lauper was right.

Connell Barrett:
Girls, they wanna have fun. They want to play with you, and you want to be playful in your own way using your sense of humor and your personality. Alright? And the 3rd p is really simple. It's called perfect length. The ideal online dating opener is about 2 2 to 4, 2 to 5 sentences, roughly 25 to 30 words. So if you write personalized playful openers of the perfect length, you're gonna get some wonderful matches with some women writing you back if you have a reasonably good profile. It is important to have a good profile. So let's talk about how to do each of these 3 p's, and we'll spend most of our time on personalizing your openers and also making them playful.

Connell Barrett:
So how to personalize your openers? First, you just wanna look at her photos and bio and ask yourself a pretty simple question. What does she care about? What matters to her? And the answer to that question is gonna give you a great topic for a personalized opener because everybody's favorite subject is themselves. And the more she cares about that topic, the more likely she is to reply to you. So, for example, if she has a photo on her profile of her with her cute little pug, her dog, another photo of her skiing. Maybe there's a prompt about how much she loves yoga or a picture of her doing yoga. Those are three great topics to help you personalize an opener that she cares about or that she'll respond to because she cares about yoga and her dog and skiing. Any of those topics would be great choices for openers because she cares about them. So I'm gonna look right now at a Bumble profile of a really beautiful, thin, attractive, professional, successful woman named Anastasia.

Connell Barrett:
Now I know you can't see my Bumble because this is an audio medium. It's a podcast. So if you wanna look at some of the examples I'm gonna be talking about today and see the online dating openers as I write them visually, see the women and their profiles, go to my Instagram at dating transformation. I have lots and lots of online dating visuals of me texting women, sending openers. You'll be able to get some of these visuals. Okay. So let's look at Anastasia first. So as I scroll through Anastasia's Bumble profile, again, I'm looking at what matters to her.

Connell Barrett:
She mentioned skiing. She mentions, quote, sleeping with the blinds open in a prompt. And she also has a photo of her at a University of Michigan Wolverines football game. And she clearly went to the University of Michigan. She's wearing Wolverine's garb. So I could choose any of these personalized topics that are gonna work well with her, skiing, sleeping with the blinds open, and Michigan Wolverines football. So when deciding on that first p, personalizing your opener, just look at her profile and say, what matters to her? What does she care about? And that will give you great personalized topics that'll make it more likely for her to reply to you. Now we'll come back to Anastasia in a second.

Connell Barrett:
I've got some openings of what I would write for her, but let's now go playful. 2nd p, how to make your openers playful. This is so important because a huge mistake that you're probably making with online dating openers is writing dry, logical, fact based openers. You know, hey, Rebecca, I see you're into hiking, just like I am. Tell me, what trails do you like to hike? How long have you been into hiking? Where have you hiked lately? Now that is personalized, which is good, but it's not playful. It's dry and logical. It's information based. And as I mentioned in episode 2 from this week, the 2nd episode about man to woman communication, information and logic is the opposite of flirting.

Connell Barrett:
Okay? So logical informational openers, bad. Playful, emotion infused openers, good. Very good. So how do you make your openers playful? Here are 3 ways to make openers playful. So the first step is to make them personal. Now you wanna make them playful. These are 3 different techniques I use with my clients. One technique is just to tease her.

Connell Barrett:
Lightly tease a woman. It's kinda like pulling pigtails, like that 4th grade boy with a crush on his classmate. Pigs he pulls her pigtails to show that he likes her. It's a way to say, hey. I like you. Let's flirt. So you could tease her by cracking a good natured joke about something that you find kinda dorky or not cool about her, or, you know, maybe she's wearing a silly hat, or she mentions her favorite movie is, like, a cheesy movie. My ex girlfriend, Jessica, her favorite movie was the mighty ducks.

Connell Barrett:
I remember teasing her about, wait. Your favorite movie is the mighty ducks? That's the dorkiest movie to have as your favorite movie. And the secret to teasing women is you wanna keep it about surface level things, not deep topics or personal deeply personal topics. So never tease her about looks, weight, physical appearance, intelligence, even her pet. Don't tease her about, you know, I once teased a woman about her dog looking like a rat, and she instantly unmatched me, and I don't blame her. So here's a good way to tease a woman. I call it the opposite of attracting an opener. You select something from her profile that you feel differently about, something you have an opposing view, and you use that as an opener to wonder if maybe opposites attract because you're different.

Connell Barrett:
So let's go back to Anastasia's profile. So she's a Michigan wolverines fan. I'm a Buckeyes fan. I grew up in Ohio, loved Ohio State, and I grew up hating the Wolverines. So my opener to Anastasia would be, hey, Anastasia. You're super cute. But I see you're a Wolverines fan. I'm a Buckeyes fan.

Connell Barrett:
What do you think? Can opposites attract? And I throw in a thinking emoji and a winking emoji. I almost always use a winking emoji in an opener. It just creates that flirty tone that you want. So with that opener, not only am I following the 3 p's, personalized, playful, and the perfect length, I'm also separating myself from all those other guys who are fawning over her. You're hot. You're gorgeous. You're amazing. I'm the rare guy who's actually saying, hey.

Connell Barrett:
You seem great, but I don't know. Maybe we won't work out together because we're different. So that creates some, flirty friction, I call that. Now another way you could do the opposites attract opener with Anastasia is this way. Hey, Anastasia, I would write. You're super cute, but I see that you sleep with the blinds open. I actually sleep with blackout shades. What do you think? Can opposites attract? So it's that simple.

Connell Barrett:
Here's the structure so you can use this as well. The structure is, hey, name. You're super cute. I always like to compliment her on being cute. Hey, name. You're super cute. But I see that, and then insert the details about her, and then insert the opposing viewpoint that you have. And then you say, what do you think? Can opposites attract? So, again, one more quick example might be, hey, Anastasia.

Connell Barrett:
I see you're a dog mom. Uh-oh. I'm a big cat lover. I'm a cat dad. What do you think? Can opposites attract? Winky face. It's that simple. And notice how the opposites attract opener ends with a question. A good playful question, like, in a simple easy to answer question makes it more likely that she'll respond.

Connell Barrett:
And, again, please go to my Instagram if you wanna see some of these back and forth messages that I do with women, on the dating apps. Okay. Let's take a really quick break. You struggle with dating. Right? Sure. You have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt. The apps don't work for you. And sometimes women put you in the friend zone.

Connell Barrett:
It's frustrating. Hey. I struggled with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I wanna personally help you attract your dream girlfriend.

Connell Barrett:
So go to dating transformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my 1 on 1 coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity. No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to dating transformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. Alright. Here's another opener I love. I call it the compliment plus nickname opener. For this opener, you notice something specific about her again that you like, and then you give her a nickname that's based on the thing you complimented.

Connell Barrett:
This keeps things positive. And remember from your Amanda Woman flirting training in the last episode, go back and listen to it if you haven't. It's hugely important. You might remember that giving a woman a cute little nickname is a great way to flirt early on. So let's look at a profile of a woman named Amy, also from Bumble. She's a great catch. She is very attractive and super stylish. And what I notice about her profile is she has 6 different photos on her Bumble, and in every photo, she's wearing a different really great attractive outfit.

Connell Barrett:
She really puts thought into her style. So I write, quote, hey, Amy. Look at you with your elegant style in 6 different outfits. Your leather jacket is really sharp. Should I call you miss fashionista? That's simple. Right? Simple, playful, and it's also flirtatious. But it's not vulgar. It's just simple and flirty and fun.

Connell Barrett:
Here's a bonus tip. When you're complimenting a woman, avoid making it about her physical beauty, you know, her physical features. That turns women into an object. That's no good. You don't wanna do that. Women really put a lot of time and thought into things like their style, a tattoo she got, something a trait about her. So I like to compliment traits, hobbies, part of her personality, sense of humor, intelligence, something cool about her past. I avoid just talking about her physical beauty.

Connell Barrett:
I wouldn't say I never do it, but I do tend to avoid it because attractive women tend to get a lot of compliments about their physical beauty, and it's more impressive. You'll be more impressive as a man if you're telling her what's impressive about the inner her. Okay. So here's the structure to follow for the compliment plus nickname opener. Hi, name. I really like the x y z thing. So there's the compliment. I'm curious.

Connell Barrett:
Should I call you and then give her a nickname that links to the compliment? So one more hypothetical. Let's say you match with a woman who is a big skier, and you say, hey, Rebecca. I see that you're really into skiing. That's awesome. So am I. What do you think? So should I call you the hinge ski bunny or miss ski bunny, something like that, with a little bunny emoji? Could be that simple. So it could be that simple. So that's the structure.

Connell Barrett:
That's the structure. Okay. Here's one more way to do an opener that's playful and personalized. One more technique. I call it the pop quiz opener. I love this. You send her a short, fun, little quiz, and it goes like this. Here's how to do it.

Connell Barrett:
You find one detail about her. Again, personalize it for her. One detail that impresses you. And then you put that into a pop quiz format. And the structure of the quiz is what makes this fun but also easy for her to write back and respond to. Women love quizzes. Women in magazines and online, you know, women's brands, they love taking quizzes. You know? What's yours we all do, actually.

Connell Barrett:
We all love taking quizzes to find out. You know? Which friend's character are you most like? Or, you know, what is the perfect food for you to eat this holiday season? People love taking quizzes, especially women. And by structuring it as a quiz, you're making it easy for her to answer. All she has to do is choose the right answer. So for example, let's look at a new profile. I'm gonna go to Jessica. Jessica is a beautiful redhead like me. I'm a beautiful redhead.

Connell Barrett:
She's funny. She's intelligent. She's got a lot of personality. She's a great catch. She seems incredible. And Jessica on her hinge profile has an audio prompt on her hinge profile, and it's a cheesy dad joke. So here, let me play Jessica's audio prompt right now. What did the DJ call his son? Everett.

Connell Barrett:
Okay. So I listened to that, and here's how my pop quiz opener would go. Pop quiz, Jessica. I'm writing to you because, a, you have great taste in dad jokes. B, you're absolutely adorable. C, all of the above. And pencils down. And then I'll add a little pencil emoji, maybe a little nerd emoji, smiling nerd emoji, which suggests quiz and school.

Connell Barrett:
So there you go. That was that the opener was 27 words. So it's personalized to her because it mentions dad jokes. It's playful because it's a quiz, and it's the perfect length. And it's very, very likely that it's, I would say, 90% likely Jessica's gonna reply to that if we've already matched. I would say it's, 40, 50 percent chance of her responding if I just send it cold. So keep that in mind. Matching with a woman, you're gonna have a much higher response rate than a cold opener, but you still wanna use both.

Connell Barrett:
So here's the structure to use for the pop quiz opener. Pop quiz name, I'm writing because, a, personalized detail, something you like about her, b, you're adorable. It's one another way I like to compliment women. You're adorable. And or c, all the above and pencils down exclamation point, pencil emoji. Does it make sense? I've been using the pop quiz opener for literally 20 years. It was 20 years ago that I first got on match.com back in the double zeros, and the pop quiz opener has literally worked for 20 years. Now a final point about being playful.

Connell Barrett:
These three techniques I've just shared with you will absolutely work well, but there's another thing I encourage you to do, which is just freestyle. Hop on the dating apps, and as long as you follow the 3 p's, come up with your own openers that aren't as a fit structure. Feel free to have a little fun with this. This is a chance for you to be creative. To me, dating and online dating openers, it's a chance for creativity to be fun, funny, expressive. It's a blast. It actually can and should be fun. So you could freestyle an opener.

Connell Barrett:
Here's an example of me freestyling. So as I look at Jessica's profile, forgetting about structured openings, I'm just gonna notice okay. She and I do like the dad joke a lot, so I might just freestyle a simple opener that mentions one of my favorite dad jokes. By the way, here, you know, I talk a lot about authenticity, and dad jokes are very authentic to me. I have a very dad joke sense of humor. I'm not a bad boy. I'm a dad boy with a dad bod. So I could write a dad joke, the kind of dad joke I've used a million times with my nephews and nieces when they were little.

Connell Barrett:
So here's a freestyle opener I just made up right now. Hey, Jessica. Your dad joke was so bad it was good. Okay. Now it's my turn. What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth herdy, laughing emoji. Okay. Whose joke wins? Mine or yours? So I just freestyled that.

Connell Barrett:
It's about 30 words, and all I did was use the 3 p's, personalized, playful, perfect length. And I'm being authentic. Because if I were to ever meet Jessica for a date, which I'm not. I have a girlfriend. I'm just doing this for content and for coaching. But if I actually did meet Jessica, she's gonna meet the same guy she's messaging with. She's gonna meet the dad joke cool nerd who is Connell. So you never wanna be someone you're not when messaging women.

Connell Barrett:
That authenticity piece of this, it's so important, and it permeates all parts of dating. Okay. And that final p of the 3 p's, super simple. Again, your opener should be the perfect length. 24 2 to 4 sentences. Writing fewer than that, writing just a few sentences, a few sorry. A few words makes a guy look lazy. But, also, you don't wanna write a Shakespearean sonnet.

Connell Barrett:
You know, you don't wanna write 300 words, you know, to swipe or not to swipe. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the human experience to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous ghosting. No. Don't be Shakespeare. Keep it simple. Perfect length, 20 to 30 words, playful, personalized, and, perfect length. You're gonna get a lot of women writing you back.

Connell Barrett:
Alright. Let's take one last quick break. Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's gonna help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty thirty. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool sexy women starting today.

Connell Barrett:
It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are gonna make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the flirty 30, it's totally free. Just go to dating transformation.com/flirty30. And that's flirty30. Datingtransformation.com/flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. And we're back.

Connell Barrett:
Let's talk about copy and paste openers. I'm a fan of personalized openers for a reason. They work best, and they allow you to express that creative, authentic you. But if you just can't think of anything good to personalize things, you can always send her a copy paste opener. Here are 3 of my favorites that my clients and I use. In no particular order, these are all really good. One option is to say, hey, name. By the way, always put a woman's first name in her first message to her.

Connell Barrett:
Always. Her first name is her favorite word in the English language or any language. Okay. One copy paste opener. I like this one. So name. How does this online dating thing work? Are we, like, engaged now? With a little engagement ring emoji. That's a cute one.

Connell Barrett:
The next one would be, hey, name. I know this is a fake profile, and you're probably a 300 pound man, but can you get me the name of the model that you used for your photo? Winky face. It's a cute, playful way of basically calling her beautiful without fawning over her. And this third one is really simple. It's so simple that it's amazing how easy and how good it works. Hey there. Name? You seem like you might be my type. Dot dot dot, and I have very good taste, winky emoji.

Connell Barrett:
Now this last one works amazingly well. It just works well, I think, because it conveys a sense of selectivity. You're letting her know she's your type. You're not selling yourself to her. You're letting her know, hey. I have standards, and you're meeting them. And it just gets a lot of responses from women. So feel free to try any of these copy and paste openers.

Connell Barrett:
And, again, stick around until the very end. 2 minutes. I should say, with 2 minutes left in the pod, I'm gonna give you my single favorite, copy and paste opener. That works really well. So stick around for the surprisingly sexy, quote, unquote, copy and paste opener. Okay. Now let's move on how to text women. I wanna make sure that you know exactly how to text women so that she gets it so that once she replies to your opener, you can start messaging her and texting her in a way that you get her to respond and, of course, get her phone number to go out on a date with her.

Connell Barrett:
So here is my simple four step texting framework that I've come up with over the years. It's just so elegant and simple. Here it is. Four simple words. Give, give, give, and then ask. That's that simple. Give, give, give, ask. That is my 4 word, 4 step texting framework.

Connell Barrett:
Most of your messages that you text a woman should give her something of value. And by that, I just mean, send her a text message that seeks to make her smile, a playful joke, a compliment, a flirty tease, a cat meme, a good question about something she cares about, your opinion about a topic that's relevant to her and you. These are all ways that we give value when texting a woman. So most of your messages should be given. And, by the way, just you being authentic and sharing your personality, your life, these are all ways to give. Because remember, girls like you for you. Your authentic self is enough. K? And so we mostly wanna give.

Connell Barrett:
And then after you give, give, give for a little bit, that's when you ask. Ask for what you want. Usually a phone number, an Instagram, and a date. So that's when you start asking. But first, you gotta give in order to get just like in life. Texting is like life. You gotta give in order to get. But too many men text the opposite way.

Connell Barrett:
They ask, ask , ask, and then they ask some more. They ask boring questions. How's your day? How are you? How was your weekend? Or they ask for dates way too soon, or they ask for validation, or they ask for sex. I have a new client who he told me about the woman he approached. This is before we even worked together. And he said, oh, yeah. I walked up to her. And I said, oh, what was your opener? He said, hey.

Connell Barrett:
I just saw you, and what's your number? And I said, dude, you can't just ask for what you want. You gotta give first. That's an in real life story, but the same rule applies in texting. So you're not gonna be one of those guys who only asks for what he wants. You're gonna be that rare guy who gives. And the great thing about giving is when women meet a man like you who's giving something really valuable to them, just good emotions, then they wanna give back to you. They want to give you their number. They wanna go on a date with you.

Connell Barrett:
So here, let me take you through the give, give, give, ask framework with a woman I texted on a dating app. Her name is Susie. She's a really cool, classy woman. And again, if you wanna see the text exchange, you can see this on my Instagram. You can also see it on my YouTube channel. I have the entire Susie text exchange. But, basically, I matched with this woman, Susie, on a dating app. And so we start texting.

Connell Barrett:
Literally, the opener is really simple. It's like, hey, Susie. You know? Glad we matched. Something pretty actually, she opened to me first, come to think of it, and then the texting was on. So Susie and I begin texting. And what do I do? Just like I mentioned before, first, notice what she cares about. Notice what she writes, what matters to her. So I look at her profile.

Connell Barrett:
She calls herself, quote, the real life Wonder Woman. So I will talk about that. I mention that. That's a given because it's about her. Then I ask her a good question. I say, hey, what makes you a Wonder Woman? She replies that she's a mom. She's a nurse. She's an awesome cook.

Connell Barrett:
She also says something interesting. She also mentions that one of her superpowers is that that makes her wonder woman is that she can, quote, smell bullshit from a mile away. And this is a really good start to our exchange because, again, it's playful. It's about things she cares about. And I'm also teasing her up a little bit to brag about what makes her a wonder woman. So this all feels good to her. I'm giving her, in the sense that I'm giving her things that she feels that she enjoys talking about. And then I write back.

Connell Barrett:
I write, oh, wow. You're a mom. You're a nurse. You're a woman's advocate. These are 3 of the best things a woman can be. And here, I'm just being 100% honest and authentic. I am not doing very much in terms of game moves. I'm not doing too much fancy stuff here.

Connell Barrett:
I'm simply following this idea of give, give, give, ask. And sometimes just being genuine and sincere and heartfelt is a given. So I and I say to her, I write high there are 3 nurses in my family. My mom was a nurse. 2 of my nieces are nurses. I'm just saying, oh my god. That's great. Nurses are the best basically the best people in the world.

Connell Barrett:
So I'm creating an authentic rapport and connection with her. I'm not, not, not doing manipulative pickup nonsense. Then I suggest a game. I wanna be playful. Remember that important second p, playful? Then I suggest a name. And I say, I say, oh, well, I wanna see how good you are at smelling bullshit. And I suggest we play 2 truths and a lie. So, again, I'm just thinking, how can I play with her with what we have to work with? So I say, let's play a game.

Connell Barrett:
And I do something else. I started calling her Wonder Woman. I say, hey, Wonder Woman. Let's play a game. Because remember, using nicknames is flirtatious. So I'm doing all these things that I talk about that are so powerful, playfulness, little nicknames, and just doing a lot of giving. So we play a game of 2 truths and a lie. I give her the 3 options, and she guesses the wrong one.

Connell Barrett:
So I tease her a little bit. I write, sorry. Your b s detector is malfunctioning. Playful light teas, another form of giving. So all I'm doing is giving, and she's writing me back immediately. There's no pause. It's just she's super invested and interested in this. Oh, by the way, there's a little exchange here where I message her on a Friday.

Connell Barrett:
Here's my favorite message to send a woman on a Friday. Text her this. Text her TGIF, which in your case stands for this girl is fire, and then fire emoji. She loves that. She writes back, oh, I haven't heard that before with a big winky face. So you can use the TGIF line anytime on a Friday. It's also a really good opener too. Okay.

Connell Barrett:
So, anyway, at this point, Susie and I have shared about or we've talked about 2 2 2, maybe 3 topics, and we've shared plenty of text messages. I've sent her about a dozen. She's written me back about a dozen times. Now if I wait any longer than that, if you've sent 12, 10 or 12 messages to a woman and you haven't asked her out or asked for her phone number, it's gonna start to feel to her like you're her pen pal. We don't wanna do that. So at this point, I'm thinking, okay. It's time to ask for her number. Because at this point, I've given a lot.

Connell Barrett:
I followed give, give, give, ask. I've made her laugh. I've complimented her. I've been very sincere and relatable and genuine, authentic. I've teased her a little bit, but very lightly. I've related to her in a real way about nurses and how wonderful I think that is. Now it's time for me to ask for what I want, which is her phone number so that we can text off the app and talk about setting up a date. So I wrote to her, hey.

Connell Barrett:
I'd like to find out in person what other Wonder Woman powers you have. Do you like fancy drinks with tall, charming gentlemen? Because I know someone. Winky face. And then she writes back, yes, tall emojis, and then she sends me your phone number. Wonder Woman. And, again to leave the app, and now we can text on as and if she's been very enthusiastic. So if she's giving you, like, big heart eye emojis or lots of exclamation points, you can ask for the number more quickly. You can strike while the iron is hot.

Connell Barrett:
However, in most exchanges, I would say here's the rule to follow. After you've discussed 2 topics and or after you've sent her roughly 12 messages, don't wait longer than that. Ask for her number. Again, she is not looking for a pen pal. She's looking for a date with a great guy like you. Or if she's not looking for a date, she's just bored and wants to message, you wanna ask her out just so you can get an answer. So you can get if she doesn't wanna message you sorry. If she doesn't wanna give you her number, if she goes quiet, that's fine too.

Connell Barrett:
You just wanna get her to answer. So I like to follow the 10, 12 message rule. After 2 topics discussed and or 12 messages sent by you, it's time to ask her out. Now in terms of getting her number and getting her off the app, which is where I like to set up the date on each other's phones, again, keep in mind that the iron is always hottest right after you two match. So getting her phone number, yes, it can happen in a number of minutes if you swap 6, 8, 10 messages that quickly. If you're both messaging in real time, it can happen that fast. It can happen in just a few hours, or I would say at most, it could take 2 to 3 days. Try to get her off the app in no more than 3 days.

Connell Barrett:
The longer you wait to ask her out, the iron gets cold, she matches with other guys, she's messaging other guys. Don't wait longer than 3 days. So get her off the app as quickly as reasonably possible. It could be as fast as a few hours or it could be as long as 2 or 3 days. Try not to wait longer than that. Okay. Let's finish up with my favorite copy and paste opener, the surprisingly sexy opener. Here it is.

Connell Barrett:
It reads like this. I just came across this one and invented it, like, about 3 weeks ago, and it's working so well. It might be working better than any other copy and paste opener. Here it is. Again, you always use her first name. Right? So here's the surprisingly sexy opener. You write, hey, name. Do you know what's surprisingly sexy about you on your profile? Question mark.

Connell Barrett:
Thinking emoji, winking emoji. It's that simple. Do you know what's surprisingly sexy about you on your profile? And then you don't say anymore. You let her respond to you. Basically, you're creating a piece of clickbait. You're turning your opener into making yourself the key that can unlock something about her to reveal what's sexy about her. And this speaks to a very core human desire: pretty much all of us want to feel attractive, sexy, desirable. At least if we're on a dating app, we do.

Connell Barrett:
So you're letting her know there's something special and sexy about her, but the word surprisingly is what I think makes it work really well. Because I've tested a version of this where I say, hey. You know what's really sexy about you? It doesn't work as well. But when I write, you know what's surprisingly sexy about you? You're actually saying that there's something about her that's sexy in a special way. And it just creates curiosity. It gets so many women saying, what? What is it? What's sexy about me? I messaged 20 women on Tinder this opener a while back, and I got, like, 12 responses. So way over 50%. And I've seen similar success with my clients.

Connell Barrett:
So try the surprisingly sexy opener. Now in terms of what to say next, we can talk about that on a future pod. Long story short, the CliffsNotes answer is you want to try to literally and authentically find something about her that you find sexy and use that. But if you can't think of anything, then what I've been telling women is, I say, well, you know, what's surprisingly sexy is all these other girls on the name of the app here, they all make duck faces and have bikini photos, but you, you just seem so comfortable being yourself. You're not trying to be sexy, and not trying is sexy is sexier than anything to me. That works really well. It's a bit of a cold read. I don't really like to copy and paste, like, generic content because that's what the pickup douchebags do.

Connell Barrett:
But if you can't think of anything that is genuinely surprisingly sexy about her, you can try that on for size. Okay. Here's your mission. I want you to do this. Before today is over, I want you to go on the dating app that you're currently using, and I want you to send 10 openers to 10 women you find attractive. And feel free to break these up. You could send, I want you to send 5 openers that use the 3 p's, personalized, playful, and the perfect length. And for the other 5, I want you to use any of the copy and paste openers that we've talked about.

Connell Barrett:
Maybe the surprisingly sexy opener or maybe one of the other ones that I mentioned earlier in today's episode. So that's your mission. Go out and put 10 openers to the test. Don't make this podcast about you passively listening. Go take action. Action is where your results are waiting for you. The girlfriend you're gonna end up with, she is waiting for you at the other end of a certain amount of in real life action, so go take action. Okay.

Connell Barrett:
So what have we learned today? Super quick recap. We've learned a lot. You've learned that there are, basically 2 to 3 core secrets to take you from going from a match to a date. One is writing irresistible openers that use those 3 p's. K? Use those 3 p's. You've also learned how to do copy and paste openers, the surprisingly sexy opener or the other 3 I mentioned earlier. And we also learned about where I shared with you my 4 step texting framework, that idea of give, give, give, ask. That is so powerful.

Connell Barrett:
It's so simple. Don't be that guy who's only asking for what he wants. Be that guy who gives first authentically from a good, big hearted place, and then ask for what you want. Don't forget to ask. You do have to ask for the date. And you also learned the surprisingly sexy opener, which is really working great. So give that one a try. Okay.

Connell Barrett:
But maybe, just maybe, you don't want to only have to try to meet women and get dates from online dating. I'll bet there's a really good chance that you would love to approach women. You would love to be able to see a woman in the coffee shop or at the gym or at a bar and be able to walk over to her with some confidence and comfort and know what to say, know how to approach, and not feel really scared to do it. So if you would like to learn how to do that, you have to listen to the next episode. The next episode is all about how to approach women in a charming, authentic way that's not sketchy or using weird pickup moves, and it's how to flirt, how to be man to woman, how to put that authentic higher self out there and meet women in coffee shops, get phone numbers and dates in a bar, at the gym, at funerals. Just kidding. Don't go to funerals and pick up women. But in most of those other places, that's what the next episode is about.

Connell Barrett:
So please listen to the next episode in this week's how to get a girlfriend podcast relaunch 5 part special. And by the way, if you like this episode, please leave me a review or share this episode with a guy who needs a boost of dating confidence. And if you didn't like this episode, maybe don't leave a review. Or if you do wanna leave a review, leave some very specific feedback for anything you did or didn't like about it. I love feedback. Okay. I remember your dream girlfriend. She's out there, and she's gonna love you.

Connell Barrett:
She just has to meet the real authentic you. So go take authentic action. Carpe datum. Seize the date. Later.