Intro:

The first kiss should be passionate and connected and incredible. Except well, not an empire strikes back. When Leah kissed her brother, Luke, that was just gross.

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcasts. Here's your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I'm your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and find a great girlfriend. And doing all of this by being a really creepy, toxic pickup artist. Oh, no. Wait. Sorry. That's not me. That's other coaches. We do that. We do it with authenticity. Do it with integrity, respect for women. Let those other creepy dudes. Be creepy. We're here to be gentlemen, be authentic, and basically show women that true authentic value you have to offer them. And today is a very cool fun special episode because I've never done an episode about how to create the perfect first kiss on a date on that first or second date or what whenever it happens, how to make that first kiss happen? I'm surprised, you know, we've done, man, must be 35, 40 episodes by now. I've lost count, and we haven't really talked about the first kiss. And I'm glad we're talking about it today. Because it's one of the scariest moments in dating other than, say, a cold approach. Other than walking up to a beautiful woman randomly out in the world, which is really the scariest thing for most guys. I think a close second is going for that first kiss because it's gonna have to happen at some point if you like her and if you want something to happen romantically. If you wanna have multiple dates, if you potentially wanna get into a relationship, you're gonna have to go for that first kiss at some point. And it can be really scary because you probably get in your head and you think, oh, gosh. I'd like to kiss her. But what if I move in and she turns the cheek? Or what if I creep her out? Or what if I move in for that kiss? And she just looks at me like, oh, no. I don't feel this way. Or gosh. Or maybe it's maybe you even have a general idea that she wants to kiss but there's just that little voice of doubt that makes you think, man, what if? The dreaded what if voice of projection. And this can take a toll. If you go on multiple dates, and you don't go for that first kiss repeatedly, you're gonna lose that girl very likely. She probably will say, okay. He was a gentleman for a while, but he's just not going for it. And then she'll probably lose interest. That's just the cold hard fact of dating. Bottom line is it's really the man's job to go for that first kiss. And so what I'm gonna give you a little bit toward the end of this podcast, I'm gonna give you my top 5 simplest and most tested ways to go for and hopefully get the first kiss And even if you don't get it, how to make the effort really calibrated and empathetic, so that she's not surprised that she went for it because I don't know. You're telling me what's worse. Not going for a first kiss ever and getting stuck in your head and getting in the friend zone, or going for it, but it's miscalibrated. It's sloppy. She turns the cheek, or maybe she's not ready for the kiss and your lips kinda crash into each other, and what we want is to make that first kiss relatively smooth and fun and and make it feel like it just happened. That's what women love. Women love to feel like that first kiss just happened. That's what we're gonna talk about today is how to do that. And, yeah, you know, the first kiss, it's one of the greatest parts of dating. I want you to get cited about getting really good and confident at going for that first kiss because it's not something you should dread. I understand why you might dread it, but it's something that you actually wanna get excited about because of some of the greatest dates of my life, the highlight of that date was the first time we kissed. I still remember. I don't still remember if I just remember my first kiss with my now girlfriend, Jess. It was our 1st date and I really was into her already. I could tell we had great chemistry, and I Remember, and I'm Mister Big Shot Dating Coach, but, hey, I'm a lot like you. We're cut from the same cloth. You and me.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating Coach, Conor Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence. And help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy called today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artistry. He unlocks your most confident self so you can make authentic, romantic connections. Your next steps: Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com forward slash contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, Soon Connell will stop taking on new clients So book a call today while you still can. Go to dating transformation.com forward slash contact and transform your love life. Bye.

I have doubt I get in my head, I sometimes hear that little voice of, oh, no. What if she doesn't like me? But I followed the steps and tips I'm gonna share with you, and we had a really great first date kiss about halfway through our date. And, yeah, I just went home that night, just feeling the buzz of Chaney beer and maybe a cocktail and just my first kiss with my now girlfriend, Jessamine. So, anyway, I want you to have that same happy, wonderful feeling. And I also just want you to feel really confident and clear in how to go about it. So before we get to that, let me tell you a quick story. Many, many years ago, way back when I first began working on my dating life, 15 plus years ago, I was on a I think it was a second date with, a girl named Randy. Randy with an I. And it was our 2nd date. And Randy and I had not yet kissed because, well, I just hadn't manned up and gotten around to it yet. I was always looking for that perfect situation, trying to find that perfect moment to go for the kiss. And even when I had the perfect moment, I usually, at the time, didn't step up. So Randy and I are walking in Brooklyn. We'd gone on a kind of a nighttime drink state, and we were walking in a very dark, romantic, perfect, park, perfect setting for a first kiss. And I remember we stopped at one point, and we were just talking, and then there was a silence that would have been the perfect moment to have had me lean in and kiss her, but I didn't. I was afraid. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid. She wouldn't kiss me back. I was afraid. You know, all these stories started playing on the record player. In my mind. And the moment passed, and we kept walking, And for about 3 or 4 minutes, I'm, like, beating myself up inside thinking, oh, you shoulda you shoulda kissed her. That was the moment. And then we get to a different part of Brooklyn. We're standing on some street corner, and then I moved in for the kiss. But it was not the right moment. It was desperation. It was me trying to make up for my mistake 5 minutes earlier. And Randy turned the cheek, and she actually said to me, sorry. You had your chance back there. I don't think so. Those are her exact words. And I dropped her off at her apartment, gave her a I don't even I don't even remember if I hugged. I don't think I even hugged her. I I she was basically saying, sorry, dude. You had your chance and you lost it. And I tell you the story because it illustrates a larger point. And I've shared this with many of my clients because I've coached, gosh, I don't even know how many hundreds of guys. I've coached them through their first kiss, but I've said this to many clients, and I wanna say it to you here on the pod. If I have never, in all my years going on, probably, man, if I had to estimate, I would say I've been on 1000 dates. Roughly a 1000 dates. That's a ballpark number. Maybe more. But 100100 is probably more than a 1000 first dates. And on all the dates I've been on, to my knowledge, I never lost a woman. I never blew it with a woman. Because I went for a kiss and didn't get it. I know for a fact I lost out on romantic connection opportunities by wanting to go for the kiss, but not doing it because of fear. And then the moment passed, the window of opportunity closed, and that lowered my status and stature in my date's eyes. I know this because Randy told me. She even said, dude, that was your chance. And really what she was saying was I want a man who steps up. I want a man who can make a move who's got the confidence to freaking go for it. That's basically what she was saying. Painful moment, but, hey. You know what? If we don't win, we learn, either you party in life, or you ponder. If you get a good outcome in a certain area, or you ponder and say, okay. What can I learn? So that night with Randy, I learned Okay. I'm never going to I'm never gonna lose out on a first kiss opportunity by avoiding it. Doesn't mean every girl's gonna wanna kiss me. It doesn't mean, I'm gonna grab every girl and make out with her no matter what, you're definitely gonna read the room, but I told myself, you know what? I'm never going to let the fear of having my kiss rejected stop me from going for that first kiss. And Again, I'll say it again because it's so important. You never will, I shouldn't say never, but it's very unlikely. It's very unlikely that you will lose the chance because you went for the kiss and got the cheek. What's very possible is that by not going for it, you're gonna get friend zoned. You're gonna be told. Sorry. No. Thanks. She's gonna go quiet. She's gonna text you the next day after your second or third date with no kiss attempts from you. And she's gonna say, hey. You know what? It was nice meeting you. Nice getting to know you, but I'm just not feeling a spark. That's polite. Woman code for sorry. I want a man who goes for it. I want a man who steps up and takes risks. I want a man who can kiss me and do it with commitment and decisiveness and bonus points when they're thinking. If you can make it feel like it just happened, that's what they want. So that's what we're gonna talk about. How to do that on this pod. Let's get to it. Okay. So here's a little crash course. And how to go for the first kiss, some do's, some do's, some don'ts, and some thoughts. And, again, I I I just can't overstate how wonderful, how great a first date Sorry. A first kiss can be. That first kiss can and should be amazing. The first kiss should be passionate and connected and incredible. Except well, not an empire strikes back when Leah kissed her brother, Luke, That was just gross. But Star Wars notwithstanding, we wanted to be we wanted to be, passionate and just or just sweet and organic and in a moment. So here's a little bit of a kiss crash course. First things first is Remember that you don't have to go for a kiss on a first date. Don't feel like you have to. A date can end with a hug or it could end with a kiss on the cheek, and then it can get steamier on later dates. So don't force it. That said, I'm thinking, okay, if the first date is a quick daytime coffee date, a quick, like, go for a walk kinda daytime date, maybe less likely that you guys will be making out. If it's more of a nighttime first date, drinks, night out on the town. That is a bit more first kiss friendly. So, yeah, don't don't feel pressure. You don't have to go for a first kiss if you're not feeling the connection and attraction. And if she's not giving you her focus , if she's not giving you , if she seems like she's just not having a good time on the date, don't go for the first kiss. She might not be feeling it. I don't want you to overread this. I don't want you to feel like, oh, she has to be twirling her hair. She has to be giggling and leaning in and putting her hand on my knee. It's nice when women give us those signals, but some women do and some women don't, even when they're attracted to you. Some People are shy, so don't over read the signals. Think of it this way. Here's what I give my clients. Here's the rule I give my clients.

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I want my clients to go for a 1st date kiss. If he feels like she's giving him his presence, her focus, and there's been a reasonably good vibe, a reasonably good vibe. If that has happened, I want him to make some kind of 1st date kiss move. I'll share those strategies in a second. The reason is because sometimes a woman isn't totally sure about you. Until you've gone for the kiss. She might not know yet. You know, like the song says, it's in his kiss. She might not have made her mind up about you. And so, anyway, long story short, you don't have to go for the first kiss on a first date, but As long as there's a reasonably good vibe, I'm gonna ask you to veer toward going for that kiss. Because, again, If you don't go for it and have a chance, you're gonna lose points with her. If you do go for it, even if she turns the cheek, it does not necessarily mean she doesn't like you and does not want to kiss you, It may just mean that she's not ready yet. Maybe she's a little bit shy. Maybe she likes PDA or maybe she doesn't like PDA. Maybe she just needs more time. So, again, I've been on a few dates where the first kiss attempt I got the cheek, but she giggled, or she said, oh, he he he I don't really make out in public. She's basically saying, let's go make out in private. Again, I would not have found that out had I not gone for it. So, anyway, You don't have to go for a first kiss, but I would say most of the dates you do want to assume you're going to, unless there's just no vibe. Okay. Another thought about 1st date kisses is A lot of guys are always looking for that perfect moment. You know, the angels are singing, The moon is full. Yours, she's giving you tons of signals, and that's nice when those moments happen. But you can always use the power of courage. Okay? You can always just use bravery. And make that decision to go for a kiss. Here's another quick first kiss story for you. Several years ago, I had a first date with a really cool, wonderful woman. I'm gonna call her Maria. And Maria is a sommelier. She's a big shot wine expert. And, we're on our 1st date. And we were walking. I was walking her toward her apartment after a night out of wine and some appetizers. And I remember thinking, you know what? There was no moment tonight where she gave me the big, fluttery eyes. Or, like, leaned in. You know, some girls will give you massively clear indicators, like, a woman once said, hey. Can you watch me put on my lip gloss? I just wanna put it on to make sure it looks straight and she looked right at me, puckered her lips, put on her lip gloss. That was a pretty clear signal, but not every woman does that. So Maria and I were walking toward her apartment. And I remember thinking, you know what? I really wanna give her that first kiss, but we were walking quickly, and it's not, like, no perfect moment arrived. The old me, before I got my dating life fixed, would have just walked her home and maybe kissed her on the cheek and played it safe and possibly would have gotten friend zoned. Very likely or at least possible. What happened instead was Maria and I were walking. And I said, you know what? I'm just gonna make a decision using courage. To kiss her right now. And so what I did was I said, hey. Let's stop for a second. And she said, okay. And I smiled. I made eye contact with her. And I said, yeah. Let's stop. There's something I wanna do. And I was smiling when I said it, and I was making really strong eye contact with her. And I was moving in as I said this. So I was giving her a very clear indicator of what I was about to do just so she could know I didn't wanna. I didn't want it to come from out of nowhere. And it wasn't terribly smooth. But it was very committed and decisive and confident. And so I leaned in for the kiss, and then I got even more bold because she kissed me back. And I gently, but firmly pressed her against the fence of a park we were walking next to. And I gently, but firmly pressed her against the park, great of the park, and things got really steamy after that. Like, definitely the kind of make out session where knee knees knees that visited places. And, it got pretty damn sexy and super steamy, and we both loved it, obviously. And, again, how did I make that happen? It wasn't the fanciness of the move. It wasn't terribly smooth. But what I did is I made a decision. I said, time to decisively make the move so you can always decide to go for that kiss, even though it's not, batting eyelashes and the seemingly perfect moment. Okay? Don't let the need for perfection be the enemy of good enough. And one other point I wanna share with you is, again, I really can't stress this enough. Just the mere act of going for the kiss can dial up that attraction. Dial up that interest because women are gonna basically respond and feel what the energy that you are putting out there. Right? Women are generally almost almost always more feminine. Men are, of course, generally more mass killing. And a woman is gonna sort of let a man make the move and then decide how she feels in that moment. So just the mere act of taking that action can shift the date from a neutral or potentially even friend zone-y kind of vibe and make her feel like, woah. This guy just laid it on me. And that can, again, make things really dial up the sparks. Yeah. And, again, even if you go for it and don't get it, it can really be a good thing. So here's a quick, quick, success story. So I have a client and had a client named Doug. And he had a great realization. He was on a date with a woman at a live music venue. And they were playing darts, and they were really vibing. And he was pretty early in the date, probably, probably earlier than he'd ever gone for a first kiss. But he was vibing with her. So he leaned in, and she pulled away. But he was smiling when she did it. So it wasn't a hard no. It was more of a not yet but he could tell she liked it. And Doug later told me that he held his ground, and he could just tell that the next time he went for it, probably was gonna happen. So he kept his cool. They hung out for a little while. About a half hour later, maybe 45 minutes, They were both sitting in a booth at this venue. And then he moved in again, and they started making out. So by him going for it, he showed her, hey. I'm a man who goes after what he wants. And by her turning the cheek, she was not saying, no. I don't like you. She was saying, not yet. But I like that you went for it. So, anyway, if you do go for the first kiss, if you get that cheek turned, then Don't worry about it. Laugh it off. It's no big deal whether or not you ever kiss her, just tell yourself, hey. I'm doing my job. Doing my job as a man. I'm going for it. Okay. Let me give you 4 or 5 first date techniques that I think will help you. Here's technique number 1. I call this the close your eyes technique. So what you do is you look at her, you smile, and you say to her, close your eyes. If she closes her eyes, that's a green light. She's basically saying, okay. Kiss me now. If she doesn't close her eyes, no sweat. She might say, no. I'm not gonna do that. No. No sweat. You can just try again later. But what you've done is you've put the idea of kissing in her mind. Which increases that sexual romantic tension. And the cool thing about the close of your eyes move is you actually don't have to get the cheek because you have plausible deniability because you didn't actually go for the kiss. Like, I remember I've been on dates where I said, hey. Close your eyes. And then she's like, what? What do you mean? Oh, you're gonna try to kiss me? And I said, yeah. Right. Like, I'd ever kiss you. You have cooties. I would never kiss a girl who had cooties like you, but close your eyes just for fun. And then if she closed them, then I kissed her. And then I I said, ew, gross. I just kissed a girl with cooties, and then we started laughing. And but if in the times when a girl doesn't close her eyes, She's basically saying, not yet, Mister, but she's liking that you're going for it. Okay. Technique number 2 is the Shush kiss. So here's the Shush kiss. The Shush kiss is as she's talking, look down at her lips, look back at her eyes, and then at her lips again, smile, and then softly well and then while placing your finger to your lips, softly, say, shush or shush then lean in and go for the first kiss. So you're basically you're you're telling her in a positive assertive gentle, but firm way. Hey. It's time for us to stop talking, and it's time for us to kiss. And after post snooch, you can say something like, I've been wanting to do that all night. Go ahead. What were you saying? So whatever she was talking about, odds are she won't remember. It's just it's such a bold, cool, authentic man who takes charge of a kind of move where you shush her with confidence and lean in. And then, yeah, I love the shush kiss. So consider the shush kiss. It just feels really good. To take that decisive action in the moment. And it's actually really funny afterwards to then you end the kiss first and then pull back and say, yeah. So what were you saying again about the ski trip? Almost like the kiss didn't happen. And that kind of pull push pull, taking away something you just gave her. It's really dyeing a romantic romantic, tension and attraction, and it's it's total it's a total money move. His technique number 3 I call this jumping through the kiss window. Jumping through the kiss window with enough dates under your belt, in general, depending on how experienced you are. But even if you're not that experienced, with enough dates under your belt, your brain, your presence, you're gonna be able to read the room, read the situation, and know when to kiss. You'll be able to just notice things like her eye contact. She'll be leaning a little closer than she was before. Maybe she smiles in a certain way. Her eyes will look literally bigger to you. Her eyes would look a little bit more dilated, perhaps. Maybe the way the two of you were talking to each other The tone of each other's voices will have changed. And you'll notice all these things. You won't have to even think about them. You'll just get it. You'll be able to read the room. And that little voice will basically say to you, it's a feeling. It's kind of a tingling feeling. I know it all too well. And it's kind of a tingle, and you'll hear that little voice that says the window is open. Go. Okay? I heard that voice back when I was walking in that park with Randy 1000000 years ago, and I heard that kiss window. Oh, I felt that kiss window open, but I let fear stop me. Don't let fear stop you. Okay? Obey that voice. Notice when the kiss window opens, and then you don't have to say anything. You don't have to do a line, you don't have to make some Shush comment. You could just move in. It's the most natural organic thing. Women love it when a guy notices that kiss window open because then it feels like it just happened. And, women love that feeling. Women love that. Like, he just we were talking, clicking, connecting, and all of a sudden, we're making out. And women love that. So that's the kiss window. Okay? Kiss technique number 4 is I need a better term. I need a better catchy name for this one. Let's call this one. This let's call this the you know what happens move. Then you know what happens. Then you know what happens, kiss close. Here's why it's called that. The move is You you you just feel okay. It's time for a kiss, but what might get you in your head sometimes is, well, how do I smoothly segue to it. How do I go from talking about her to the time she is, I don't know. It did jury duty. How do I go from this to our first kiss? Oh, man. I'm stuck talking about jury duty, or whatever the conversation is. Here's what you do. It's called the, you know, what happens, move. So she's talking about whatever the thing is. Right? Let's say she's talking about the time she broke her ankle skiing. And you're just trying to find an entry point to go for the kiss. So you wait for you when you're listening to her talk, and then maybe she's talking about, oh, yeah. And then I And then I, fell down and my ankle broke. Oh, it was terrible. And you say you said, well and then here's what you say. You say, Oh, you know what happens to women who hurt themselves on the ski slopes. Right? She says what? And then you say while moving in, you say they get kissed. And then so you're saying Again, you know what happens to girls who blank. In other words, whatever she was talking about in her story, You know what happens to girls who get big promotions. You know what happens to girls who break their legs on ski slopes? Well, you know what happens to women who major in marketing. She's like, what? They get kissed. And you as you as you say, as you move in, you're saying they get kissed. This lets you feel a bit of smoothness, or it lets her and both of you feel a certain amount of this to it. So you're basically using whatever the conversation topic is, as a way to transition toward that first kiss. This is a good one to use if you just really wanna find some knowing what to say leading into the kiss. This lets you always know what to say. Basically, it's Well, you know what happens to women who blank. Right? And then she says, what? What happens to us? And then while moving in, you say they get kissed. And it's really smooth, and women really appreciate it. Smooth first kiss moves are not required to have a great fun, sexy first kiss, but they certainly do. Feel good. One last kissing tip that is gonna be difficult for you to adhere to. This is optional. This is not a die hard rule, but I would say don't become the annoying make out couple who spend the whole date making out. It's better to just go somewhere together where you can be alone. So once you get good at going for the at going at going for and getting the first kiss, It's very tempting for obvious reasons to be that couple constantly making out in the bar. And I've been that guy. Many times. So I'm not innocent here, but just because people don't really wanna watch you and her kissing all night. That's one reason not to do it. Also, in terms of you potentially going together somewhere to be alone where things can get hotter and heavier. Sometimes what can happen is if you can make out too much, show her too much of the movie, in other words, and then she doesn't wanna go back to your place or invite you over to her place. Where you guys can be alone and you can get more intimate. So don't over make out is what I'm saying. Go for that first kiss. Do it 2 or 3 more times, assuming the kiss goes well. Feel free to have 2 or 3 more mini make outs. During the dates, but don't overdo it because you'll be leaving her wanting more, and you might even wanna invite her over where things can get more intimate and you'll be more likely to have her want to come over if you've kissed just a little bit as opposed to made out the whole night. So, yeah, take the less as more approach if you can. I won't I won't be upset if you make out the whole time. I'm just saying, learn from my mistakes. Okay. That ends today's episode about how to go for the first kiss. By the way, as the as the commercials on this podcast mentioned every single time, If you are a guy who wants to fix some dating problems, like lack of confidence or you don't or you're not getting dates, you're just not sure how to talk to women, how to flirt, you can book a free call with me, and we can hop on the phone for about a half hour. And figure out if I can help you with your dating problems and whether or not we might be a good fit for dating coaching. If you're looking for a free consultation, you can do that by going to my website, datingtransformation.com, and take it from there. Okay. Until next time, thank you for listening and, go out and make out with some some cuties. Give them the gift. On a first date make out or at least a second date make out. And remember, your future, incredible, sexy, gorgeous, bright, incredible girlfriend. She's out there. She just has to meet the real you, the authentic you. See you next time.

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to datingtransformation.com. See you next time.

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