Intro:

Basically thinking of it like chocolate, money, sex, puppies, something you can never have too much, you can never have enough confidence.

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. Here's your host, Dating Coach, Connell Barrett.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the Dating Transformation Podcast. I am your host, Connell Barrett. I'm a dating coach. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and get a great girlfriend, all by being radically authentic. Your true most confidence. Confidence. Your true most confident self. There are no take twos on this podcast. We're doing it live. Thanks for being here today. And it's funny that confidence was the word I just tripped over because, actually, today's about confidence. Today is about the core of the 3, 4, maybe we'll get to 5 pillars of dating confidence. Odds are, you don't have as much confidence with women as you would like. You probably want more. It's really common for guys who are single out there looking for love dating to struggle with confidence. You struggle with what to say, perhaps. or you feel in theory, like you're a good, attractive guy, a good catch, but Something about when you're actually around a woman you find intriguing and attractive, you get in your head you feel like she's out of your league, or you're not confident in what to say or how to basically project yourself and talk to her. connect. So if you're struggling with confidence or if you just want more confidence, then today's episode is definitely for you. because let's just let's just, you know, get right to the point. confidence, you can never have too much. You know, it's like chocolate or vacation days or Beatles documentaries. You can never have too much confidence. You can always have more. And I would like to give you, basically, the let's go. Let's narrow it down to 4. Let me give you the 4 pillars of dating confidence. and give you some practical tips for how you can actually put these pillars or react to these pillars. I said, erect, how to erect these pillars in your dating life. So you can feel a lot more confident and basically have some great dating success. So let's just get right to it. pillar number 1, and this is the cornerstone of a good, strong mindset. It's also the cornerstone of what I do with my clients. First thing you want, the 1st pillar is a rock solid sense of your own worth and value to women, your worthiness to and 4, I should say worthiness of women, your attractiveness to women. That's the first thing we wanna put in place. because if that pillar's not there, if you feel or fear, then maybe you're just not enough for the kind of woman, you'd love to end up making your girlfriend, your partner, your wife, then all the lines I can teach you all the quote unquote moves, all those things are going to be built on quicksand. We've gotta build all of the game mechanics flirting, what to say moves on a real straw strong solid foundation. And that first foundation is about understanding what understanding that you have value. You are enough. You are very attractive. to a lot of quality women, not all of them, but a lot of them. So what I'm gonna ask you to do after this podcast is over is I want you to go back several episodes and find the episode where my client Nick and I. isolate and isolate and destroy his biggest limiting belief and replace it with a core belief about Nick's worthiness and attractiveness to women. It's long, not long. It's about a 25:30 minute process. It's what I do with all my clients, but the how of doing it is in that episode. The benefit of it is what I'll talk about right now. So when you walk through the world, knowing that feeling, hey. I am very attracted to lots of wonderful women, and you have a lot of reasons for it. And you just know it in your marrow, you are more con you're not you aren't just more confident. but you are calmer. You're not needy. You're not overly eager. You're not nearly as worried about how the date goes, you might want it to go well, but you're not super stressed about it. You're not walking on eggshells around women because you have that core sense of your worth and value. So it's good to get clear on what and this is what I do in the episode with Nick. Get clear on what the single biggest belief is that you feel limits you. You wanna uncover it, and you wanna replace it. with a really truthful empowering, great feeling, belief. So for example, my belief way back in the day when I was first getting into this area of learning about women and dating, I struggled with confidence I was in my late thirties, mid thirties, mid to late thirties, and I just felt like, you know, I'm I'm a nerdy introverted ginger. I'm just not what women want.

I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps. and desirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating Coach, Connell Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free strategy called today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence More dates and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self. A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artistry. He unlocks your most confident self, so you can make authentic, romantic connections. Your next steps, book your free call today datingtransformation.com/contact and grab a time that works for Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, Soon Connell will stop taking on new clients. So book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com/contact. and transform your love life. Bye.

Women want outgoing alpha males. I'm a nerdy introverted nice ginger guy. not what women want. So that belief was that belief led to my inaction I did not approach. I did not take action. The few dates I had, I wasn't very confident on those dates. and women didn't like that. And they might have liked me as a person, but they could tell I just did not believe in myself. So That was my old belief. My new belief through a process that I was that I basically put myself through, along with taking a lot of action, my new belief, the one that supercharged me, and once I started to really see it and feel it, it changed everything. my new belief was, hey. I'm successful, funny, intelligent, and have a pretty good sense of humor, and a lot of women like guys like me or love guys like me. Now both of those 2 things cannot be true, and my psychology, my brain chose to choose the second one. First of all, I felt a lot better, but also because it was empowering and also spurred me to action. And it was also true. So I got to go out into the world, approaching women going on dates and saying, hey. Let's test drive this new belief. And I found out that it was true. There are plenty of women who wanna date guys who aren't like me, but there's lots of women who like intelligent, witty, successful, big,hearted, nice guys who are funny and also really good at flirting. That's something I've gotten great at as a dating coach and as a single guy, or formally single guy. So, anyway, that's my new belief. So Number 1 rock solid pillar here of confidence is identifying what makes you feel unworthy of quality incredible women, isolating that belief, disproving it, and then replacing it with a belief that feels so, so much better. So go back and listen to the episode with me coaching Nick. It's a live coaching episode, and you'll take Nick through the process, and you can follow along. and get the same confidence benefits that Nick got because and just a quick sidebar here. Why do we talk so much about confidence? It's because there are 4,000,000,000 women in the world, and I would suggest that every single woman in the world who likes men is attracted to confidence. I've never met a woman who doesn't like confidence. Some women like tall guys, some like short guys, some like brash, some like sweet, some like introverted, Some like naughty, some like bad boys, some like sweethearts. There's a lot of variation out there, but 100% of straight single women like a man who's confident. So you wanna make sure that you have bad rock bulletproof confidence on dates approaching women, talking to women, If you have that bedrock confidence, like, we're talking about today, those 4 pillars, then you're gonna be effortlessly magnetic and attractive to a lot of women because they all want it. They all like it. Whether or not they like your type, they're gonna like your confidence. Okay. Pillar number 2 is an extension of pillar number 1. Pillar number 2 is what I call internal abundance. So in pillar number 1, we want that core statement of your worth, core belief about your worth and value to women. pillar number 2 is you want an abundance of reasons you are worthy of women or have lots of traits, valuable traits that women are gonna like. So here's what I want you to do. This is so simple. You could do it right now for the pot is over. This has such a fast positive effect on guys who do it. It'll take you about 10 minutes, maybe 15, 20 max, is right out of what I call your awesome 25, the awesome list, write out 25 specific reasons, specific things about you that make you a great catch for a lot of women. 25 things. And they only have the only rule here is they have to be specific, relatively specific. and they have to be true, of course. And I think what you'll find when you do this exercise is it might be it might be hard at first because you're gonna have a higher bar. You're like, oh, well, I don't have a $1,000,000 in the bank. Ugh, man. I'm not six foot 6. No. No. No. Don't think what society tells you you need to have. Just brainstorm specific things, even small things that make you a good catch. So for example, here's some from my list and also from some clients I've had recent conversations with. It can be as simple as I have a steady job. I make a I'm financially stable. If you're not financially stable, let's say you're in school, you're in college. I have a great ambitious career plan, I'm studying hard. I'm going to be successful. It could be I'm good in the kitchen. I can make, a mean plate of French toast. I make an amazing, omelette perhaps. I can be I have a I have a good sense of humor. My friends find me funny. It could be I had one client who wrote down. I have a really cool car. I love my car. I have a cool sports car. I have a convertible. it could be we want most of these traits to be behavioral things or qualities about you. it could be I speak 2 languages. I'm a good listener. It could be I love to read. I love to travel. If you love to travel, put that on your list because is there a woman? Is there a single woman out there who doesn't like a guy who travels? Very few, if any. maybe you love to travel. I'm a good son. You could put that. I'm a good son, loving brother, friend, Again, get the more specific you get, the better this is gonna feel. My list has things like I'm an author. I'm a successful business owner. That feels great. I'm witty on my good days. I'm always growing. I'm always growing. I'm reading 3 different self help books right now. I care about my clients, and I love my clients. That makes me feel just worthy and and a high value guy. What else? Fitness. If you're into fitness, you can say, I work out regularly. I'm watching my my waistline. I'm losing weight, or I'm building muscle. So, literally, write out 25 at least 25 specific things that make you a good catch. oh, another thing you can do is I encourage you to look up a poll done by a health app called clue. There's a poll called clue or a poll by clue. This health app commissioned a survey of 64,000 women, single women, and asked these women what they want most in a relationship, in a man, and you're gonna be amazed on what the top 4 are. They're not, they're not, good looks. They're not tall. It has to be tall. It has to be rich. It has to be charismatic. Number 1 is kindness. Are you kind? Put that on your list. Number 2 is intelligence. Are you intelligent? Put that on your list. number 3 is, I believe, well educated. Are you well educated, or are you working on your education? Put that on your list. By the way, number 5 on the clue poll is confidence. So maybe that's an area, a growth area for you. Fine. That's probably why you're listening to this pod. But know that number 5 is something that will actually grow and grow and grow if you want it to, especially if you put these 4 pillars in place. So, anyway, go to the clue. The clue poll is fascinating because it talks about basically what women want. And it's not looks. It's not money. It's not all the things that society or that your lower doubtful self might tell you. it's things that you might already have. And I'll if you're intelligent, if you're well educated, if you're kind, if you're big hearted, you already have a lot of worth to women. So write out that list. The reason why it's gonna be so powerful is this. You're gonna write out this list, then I want you to look at the list, and I want you to read all 25 out loud. I want you to say them out loud. That's gonna get that that's gonna fully fully shift your focus to these awesome things about you.

Rejection, ghosting, loneliness, lack of dates and lack of confidence. For many men, dating just sucks, but it doesn't have to. There's a simple yet powerful way to gain instant confidence and attract a great girlfriend. Be radically authentic. It's all laid out in the number one Amazon best selling book. Dating sucks, but you don't. Your step by step guide to attracting wonderful women and doing it with total authenticity. Author and dating coach, Colonel Barrett, has had and fixed all the dating problems that you struggle with. He's also helped thousands of men gain confidence and find love. He's put his best tips and strategies into dating sucks, but you don't so that you can confidently approach women and get dates. Become magnetic and attractive, even if you're not tall or great looking. Always know what to say to make sparks fly. Get lots of great matches and dates on the dating apps and attract your dream woman. You can find dating sucks, but you don't, on Amazon. or wherever books are sold in paperback, Kindle, and audio books. Getting dating sucks, but you don't today to transform your confidence and find your dream girl.

And after you write this out and say the list out loud, check-in with yourself and ask yourself, do I feel more confident, more hopeful, better now than I did 20 minutes earlier before you did the exercise. I can almost guarantee you 99% certainty that you'll feel more confident and more hopeful. That's because at any given moment, your confidence or lack thereof, your good emotions or bad emotions, they're gonna come from what you focus on and how you interpret that focus. what you look, in other words, what you look at and how you basically judge or analyze that. And so what this exercise is forcing you to do is it's forcing you to say, here's why I'm a damn good catch. And, wow, look at all these reasons. I do have a lot to offer. I have an abundance of good things because he and so you'll feel better and you'll feel more confident. What you're probably doing most days is you're probably whenever you do think about this area, you're probably thinking like, oh, man, I wish I was taller. Wish I was better looking. Why do all these other guys get all the hot girls? Why me? What am I missing? What do I lack? What's wrong with me? I don't have a girlfriend. Why haven't I had a date in a year, or why my last three dates? put me in the friend zone. That's probably where your focus goes if you're like most guys. And what I want you to do is stand guard at the door of your mind. and, basically say, hey. Here's 25 things that make me a great catch. So instead of focusing on what you think you lack, You're focusing on what you know you offer, and this will feel incredible to you. And your brain will start to say, you know what? I really have enough. I really am the shit. I'm a great guy. My true best authentic self is a great catch. maybe not for every woman on the planet, but, damn it. I have a job. I have a great heart. I'm a good son. I work out. I am working on myself. I listen to this Ginger's podcast trying to improve. I got a lot going for me, and then you'll feel pretty damn good after that. You might feel amazing after that. So that pillar number 2 is pillar number 2 is growing the internal abundance. of what makes you a good catch, basically thinking of it like chocolate, money, sex, puppies, something you can never have too much of. You can never have enough confidence, and you can never have enough reasons. why you are a damn good catch for women. So write your awesome list out and add to it. Add one thing to it every day. and look at your awesome list every day. If you do this, think about this, a year from today, how 6 months from today. If you add one thing to your awesome list every day, and you're looking at it every day 6 months from now, 6 times 3 180, you'll have 200 plus reasons why you're an amazing catch, a good catch for women. There's no way your confidence will not be transformed, and there's no way. So start doing your awesome list. Do it now. Or, actually, wait till the pod's over, then do it. Okay. Pillar number 3 of confidence. So we got pillar number 1. We got that worth statement, that worthwhile, I'm significant, worthy, I'm enough statement. Let's call it the I'm enough statement. pillar number 2, the internal abundance, as just stated. What's number 3? For number 3, in terms of confidence, I like to talk about external abundance. That is really gonna change the game for you. Once you realize, because pillar 1 and pillar number 2 are now in place and you're feeling Hey. I feel worthy. Hey. I feel like I have a lot to offer. Then pillar number 3 is getting in touch with your external abundance. Do I mean that? Knowing that there is a literal abundance of quality single women out there for you to potentially meet and to date. You can date and attract lots of incredible women. I'm not saying you have to be a playboy. I'm not saying you have to date 5 women at once. you don't need to be like me. You don't need to be a psycho dating coach in that psycho, but, you know, I got really obsessed with this. I became a dating coach 10 years ago. I started working in this area 18 years ago. 2005 is when I first started actively working on my dating life. Bro, I used to have spreadsheets of all the women. I was like, okay. Here are the 5 or 6 women. I'm dating. Here are the 3 or 4 women I'm kind of pursuing. Here are my 7 top leads on match.com. Here are my I used to have a spreadsheet of, like, so many different girls and with specific details about each because I was afraid of calling the wrong girl by the wrong name. or being out with Kelly saying, Hey. How's your dog buster doing? And then, Kelly, saying, what are you talking about? I don't have a dog named Buster and realizing, oh, shit. That was Stephanie. Like, that was the kind of stuff I was. This was the 1st world quality problem I had once I got into that dating abundance. My point is, you don't have to have spreadsheet level, external abundance. You don't need to be like me if you don't want to. You can. but you don't have to be. However, here's what you do need for that confidence. You need a true feeling of Oh, woah. There's a lot of women out there who might wanna date me. How do we get that abundance? You go out and get it. Well, first of all, you just give yourself a story that makes sense. Right? pillar number 1. I'm worthwhile. pillar number 2. I have all these reasons. I'm awesome. That leads to pillar number 3. Therefore, I must have a lot of great dating options. And, once you have abundance, once you and you get actual abundance, actually meeting and dating multiple women, or at least getting your brain to see that multiple women are into you, you get that from having a great dating profile, swiping, learning how to have a kickass profile, Check out my book and my my online dating chapter in my book. Dating sucks, but you don't. I have a mega chapter. all about how to build a great dating profile. So you can get that from tons of matches. You can get that from going out. day or night, go out, start approaching women, socialize, get some dates and leads that way. And all of a sudden, your brain says, yeah. I have abundance. and external abundance really, really helps to land this plane of confidence, the confidence plane, because then you get real hardcore proof. What I want for you is to get to that point where you say, okay. I got my second date with Stacy on Friday. Boy, she's a great kisser. And then Saturday, I'm really excited for my 1st date with this new hinge match. And, oh, yeah. And then I grabbed that woman's number at the grocery store. We've been texting She's giving me lots of winky emojis, and it's going great with her, then your brain says, woah, I have abundance. I remember when I truly first felt abundance. Well, when I felt it for the first time, I was about a year into working hard on my dating life. I was in my mid thirties, And I had spent 35, 36 years feeling like I'm a nerd. I'm a dweeb. Girls don't like me. I have few options. And I started going out, taking action, putting things into practice, And I started doing pretty well on the dating apps. I just take that back. It wasn't an app. It was match.com back when people met on actual websites. I'm old. I used to take a horse drawn carriage to dates. That's how old I am. of Anyway, I remember I had 3. I had 3 dates and 3 different nights. I had 3 straight first dates. I remember it was a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, a date, a 1st date each night, each with a cool, interesting, smart, attractive woman, and each one ended in a hot steamy make out. And I remember walking home that 3rd night. I was buzzed. I remember drinking a couple of Chime beers. So I was kinda buzzed from the beer and buzzed from her lipstick and smell and kissing her. And I remember walking home just thinking, wow. I didn't know I didn't know I could do this. I didn't know women like me as much as they do. It was a really powerful moment for me. And that was my first window into what it's called, what I call external abundance. And when you have external abundance, your confidence goes to an even higher level because not only do you see and feel that internal value you offer, but you also see, hey. You know what? no matter what happens with this date or this approach, it's okay. I got more options, and that takes so much of the pressure off. It takes so much of the pressure off because you will have dates. You'll definitely have approaches that don't go anywhere in terms of a result, And that can sting in the moment, but then you can say, that's alright. I have an abundance of options here. and that's a pretty powerful moment for a man. And I can't wait till you get to that moment of abundance. External abundance. Okay. And then pillar number 4 of confidence, and we'll wrap it up here. is a very simple practical pillar, and this is a more situational pillar. And this situational pillar is to fall in love with process. In other words, gain your confidence from controlling the controllables, especially with 1st dates and with approaching. So we wanna control the controllables and gain your confidence and certainty and you are doing all the things in your control to make a date go well or to have a good approach. So what do I mean by the controllables? Well, what do most guys do? Let's take a 1st date, for example. Most guys go into the date and they say, well, I really want it to go well. And I really hope she likes me, and I hope I say the right things. And if she likes me and wants a second date and we make out, then I'll feel happy. But if she doesn't, she's not into me. If I get friend zoned, then it's a failure, and that's gonna hurt. And what that binary win loss approach does to your confidence in that situation is it, it makes it very fragile. Makes your confidence very fragile. It turns your confidence into a, you know, a delicate piece of crystal. instead of a piece of steel, which is what we want it to be. So beware of the need for an outcome. Wanting an outcome is fine. Of course, you want a 1st date to go well, but you don't wanna need it. You can't make a 1st date. or for that matter and approach a win loss proposition. What you do instead is you fall in love with process, routine In other words, the things you can control. You control the controllables to quote, a master's champion golfer named Jordan Spieth. Jordan Spieth used to say, Hey. I don't worry about Tiger. I don't worry about Phil Mickelson. I just control my controllables. I just swing the club. hit the ball. Whatever's gonna happen will happen. And you can take the same approach. That's my Texas accent. And you can take the same. I want you to take the same approach to dating. especially to 1st dates and approaching. Say to yourself, alright. What can I control? On a 1st date, I can control looking my best. Great style. I can control the venue choosing a great spot, assuming she signs off on it, which almost all women will. Women love a man with a plan. I can control when I get there, I can control within reason, I can control what you talk about or at least influence it. I don't want you to be a controlling guy. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying control the conversation. You can monitor what you ensure you're talking about on the date and say, Hey. This topic is not a good topic for the date. Let's switch it to a more fun, flirty topic. Anyway, you can control or at least influence the conversation threads on a date. You can control whether or not you go for a first kiss. You can control saying flirty things, taking some romantic risks. So your criteria for a successful first date is not. Does she like me, or does she not? Don't be that, don't bring Daisy or a flower saying she likes me. pluck. She likes me not to pluck. Don't be that guy. Don't do that. Well, actually, that'd be pretty funny if you actually brought a flower to the date. started picking the pedals off. Instead, decide that your date is a success. if you do and focus on all the process based controllable things. This will relax you, you'll basically let your brain say, you know what? I did everything I could do. It's outside of my control. I can let go and just get a present with her. and let the chips of chemistry fall where they may. Yeah. So the reason I mentioned the golfer, Jordan, speed, is you might be, if you're a fan of sports and, like, you know, are into sports, I used to be, I'm a big sports fan. You'll see some parallels here with the mindsets of what I'm talking about with the mindset of champion athletes, the best pitchers in baseball. All they really care about is throwing the ball, hitting the catcher's mitt. They don't really worry about whether or not they strike the batter out. Of course, they wanna strike the batter out, but Hall of Fame Dodgers pitcher Oral Hershiser used to just say, all I do is follow my process. I just throw the ball in the middle. Top golfers like Tiger Woods, Jordan, Spieth. All they ever talk about is, oh, I just follow my routine. I just swing the club. The ball's gonna come down somewhere. basketball players, LeBron James, Michael Jordan. They all have a variation on a theme here. if they get them they fall in love with process, routine, the controllables, and then the results will take care of themselves. Sometimes they'll get the result. Sometimes they won't, but their performance will be at their best, and their confidence will be at their best. So that's the 4th pillar. Which is whatever dating experience you're in, an approach, a 1st date, Hell, even texting a woman on the dating app, messaging back and forth, just focus on what you can control, keep it about controllables, or things you can largely influence. As long as you're doing these most important things, you'll feel a lot more confident and certain, and that'll free you to let go of how the result goes. Okay. Those are the 4 pillars of dating confidence. Thank you so much for listening. I really like this episode. I hope you liked it. I tried to really hone in on the inner game piece of this because that's so important because that inner confidence informs the external mechanics, the flirting, the what to say, the how to say it, a lot of guys come to me and say, what do I say? What should I say? What should I say? And what you say is not unimportant. But how you feel about yourself and your worth and confidence and your internal and external abundance, that is gonna speak louder than any flirtatious line could to a woman. And remember, every woman on the planet is attracted to a confident man. And, don't forget that your dream girlfriend is already out there. She's out there somewhere and she already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you and the most confident you. Okay. till next time. Adios.

Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, Go to dating transformation.com. See you next time.

Produced by Heartcast Media.