Intro:

That's my public service message for you today. The more you know, don't throw axes while drinking.

Connell Barrett:

Welcome to the Dating Transformation podcast. Here's your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett.

Welcome back to the dating transformation podcast. I am your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, gain confidence, and find a great girlfriend all by being authentic and all by being sober, at least if you're listening to today's episode. Because today is part 2 of a special 2 part podcast episode about how to date sober, how to not need alcohol to feel confident, to approach, to make moves on dates. Basically, how to get drunk and buzzed on your own authentic awesomeness as opposed to alcohol. And this is a fun episode. If you listen to the 1st episode I did, I talked all about my own story about how I Became dependent on alcohol, not so much on dating. It actually wasn't a dating issue for me. It was just A daily habit, a bad habit I'd gotten into where I felt like I needed alcohol to relax and feel more relaxed in a good confident state. And if you're listening to today's episode, then there's a good chance that you're a person who likes to drink on dates, but maybe doesn't wanna feel like he has to. Or maybe you're in recovery. Maybe you're sober. Maybe you're newly sober. Maybe you've been sober for years, and it's hard for you to go on a date in a bar, or it's hard for you to approach a woman without that liquid courage that you used to have back in the day. And maybe you want to approach women sober, or you wanna be in a bar for a date and not Have it feel awkward or strange. Or maybe you just don't know how to handle talking about your sobriety on a date.

Or maybe you just are a healthy person, not recovery. You're just not a big drinker, and you wanna know how to handle that Topic when it comes up with a woman who might want a cocktail, might wanna go out and have a few drinks, how to handle that. And so, that's what today's episode is about because it can get you in your head. It can be frustrating to not know. Oh, gosh. Is it weird? Is it weird that I'm not gonna have a drink? Will she not wanna go out with me on a date? Or will we have to do something Sober. So let's navigate some different situations. Let's break this episode up into 3 categories.1 is how to approach sober. 2 is texting and setting up dates, how to handle the alcohol Question before the date. And 3rd category is about being on the date itself. How to navigate discussing your sobriety, or the fact that you're not a drinker. So let's get to it. Let's start with category 1, how to approach sober, how and why we do it. I'll start with a story. So many years ago When was this? Oh, man.This was well over a decade ago. When I was out working with my coaches, guys who were helping me, I was at a place in Miami called Nikki Beach. And Nikki Beach, Sunday was the night to go to Nikki Beach. It was filled with People and plenty of attractive single women. And I remember I went to Nikki Beach 1 night And at the time, I was doing pretty good with my approach and putting myself out there and meeting women. But most of the time, I needed 1 or 2 drinks to get the wheels off the runway. And I remember that night, I said, you know what? I've been drinking a little bit too much as a crutch. I'm just gonna go totally stone cold sober tonight. And, my good buddy, Terry, was with me. And that night, I just remember saying, hey. I'm gonna go totally sober. And so we got to Nikki Beach, and boy, were those first 2 or 3 approaches hard for me to do? I was very in my head, and it was difficult for me to do those first 2 or 3 approaches. I was thinking about it as I walked over. I was like, I don't know what to say. I don't feel like I'm in the zone yet, And so it was tough for me just to make the decision to go over and start talking to people, to women, because I'd been using, you know, A couple a couple Johnny Walkers is how I would start the night. That would loosen me up. Right? And tonight, I said, no. I'm gonna do it sober. So I just do it. Those first 2 or 3 were really tough, I have to admit. But with the 3rd woman I approached, I remember This really cool moment where I saw her smiling. I saw her laughing. We were talking about whatever we were talking about. And I just remember in that moment, I realized, woah. She's liking me. It's going well, and I feel like me. And I did n't have a drop of alcohol yet I was feeling really good. And what was happening I now realize is what was happening is my brain, my psychology was adjusting to the environment. I was proving to my brain, hey, you're safe here, You're still conal. Some girls are gonna like you. Some won't. Some are gonna be neutral. It's all just people. And essentially my brain began to give me permission starting with that 3rd approach that even without alcohol to Quiet the anxiety, even without that, I was reminded, hey, you're enough women like you. Some do, some don't, it's all good. And I remember with that 3rd approach, something clicked into place. And for the rest of the night, I was absolutely fearless, and I had one of the best nights ever.

 I'm gonna read your mind. Ready? I'll bet that you would love to confidently approach women. Get great matches on the dating apps, flirt with charm, and attract your dream girlfriend. Right? But fear keeps you from approaching. You're not sure how to flirt. You struggle on the apps, Undesirable women just don't seem into you. Well, I have great news. Dating coach, Connell Barrett, can help. He's guided thousands of men like you to more confidence and help them attract their dream girlfriends. So book a free Strategy call today to see if Connell's coaching is right for you. On your call, Connell or a team member will give you personalized advice to help you have more confidence, more dates, and more fun. Oh, and you'll be dating women as your best self, A charming gentleman. That's because Connell does not teach creepy pickup artist tricks. He unlocks your most confident self So you can make authentic romantic connections. Your next steps? Book your free call today at datingtransformation.com/contact and grab a time that works for you. Then you'll be on your way to more confidence, better results, and attracting bright, beautiful women. Oh, so you know, soon Connell will stop taking on new clients, so book a call today while you still can. Go to datingtransformation.com/contact and transform your love life. Bye.

In terms of Decisively approaching women, grabbing phone numbers. I remember I had a pretty fast, quick make out with a girl in about 5 minutes. And my wingman, Terry, was like, dude, you're amazing tonight. You are in the zone. And I remember 1 1 woman even asked me. She was drinking. I had a drink. I had literally a glass in my hand, but it was just water. And I remember I was in such a great state, such a great zone. I was in a flow state. They are called flow states. And as in this flow state, just approaching, feeling charismatic, witty, Just completely unstifled and awesome. And this girl I talked to said, oh, what are you drinking? You're just, like you guys are drunk. She said that to both me and Terry. What are you drinking? She assumed I had a buzz from the booze, but I didn't. I had a buzz from the Action. I was drunk on authentic action. I was just walking up to women, and I just said, you know what? I just gave in and let go after that 3rd approach. And the moment was not only Can you confidently, decisively, successfully approach women when you're stone cold sober? Not only can you do it, But once you begin to do it and take action following the steps that I Teach in my book, there's a whole chapter about these different steps of approaching. Once you get into the flow of following those steps, Not only can you do it, but you can actually do it better, and you're more in the zone, and you're more confident and funny and witty and cool than if you were drinking. Because remember, the alcohol is giving you that temporary Confidence. Liquid courage. Right? And it gets you out of your head and lets you feel really present, but that doesn't last forever. Or I should say, it might last for the whole night, but you're constantly needing to refuel. So you're afraid that you're gonna lose that liquid courage. So you're constantly worried about, oh, I need more alcohol. I need another drink. And so that fear goes away. And, basically, you're drunk on your own personality, your authentic expression, the jokes you're cracking, the action you're taking. And when you're doing it sober, you don't have to worry about slurring your speech. Your memory is better. You take the right actions, but also you can take you can make the right moves as needed without letting those moves sort of disappear, into the haze of a drunken conversation and there are there are moments in every approach, in every conversation that that might lead somewhere A room a wonderful romantic connection, love in the night. There are almost always moments of truth where, You know, you have to make a move or or suggest you go somewhere else or say the right thing. And there are these kinds of trials. Right? Or maybe you're talking to and I'm not saying she's giving you trials or she's testing you. Maybe somebody comes up and interrupts your conversation with her. You need to know how to handle these things. These moments of truth always arise. And when you're sober, I realized that night, all of these little tests and trials came up, and I knew exactly what to do because I was thinking so clearly. I did not have to worry about delayed cognitive reflexes and delayed thinking because I was stone cold sober. And it was such an eye opening evening. I really became addicted that evening to stone cold sober approaching. So how to date sober or, in this case, how to approach sober? How do you do it? You simply do it. You'd make a decision walking into that venue, and you say, I am not gonna drink any alcohol tonight. I don't need even 1. I don't even need 1 to get my wheels off the runway. You don't What you can do instead here's what you do. Instead of walking into that venue and going to the bar, which is what most guys do, you're gonna walk into a venue, and you're going to here's what I want you to do. I want you to approach the 1st human female you see as you walk in. I don't care if she's a beautiful woman. I don't care if it's a woman you're not attracted to. I don't care if it's a woman with her husband. It's their 10th anniversary. Don't hit on her. Just walk over and say hello in a friendly way. But, basically, go talk to the 1st female human being you see. That will give you the momentum, the social momentum that you Perhaps feel that you need alcohol to give you now. So that's a good way to start getting into that flow state is to approach the 1st woman you see even if it's just a quick 10 second. Hey. What's up? How's your night going? Cool cool awesome what's up I'm Rob and then you can bounce. You don't need to do a long interaction but tip number 1 is approaching. If you want to do this sober, immediately take action as soon as you walk in that venue because This gets you into that flow state in the venue. And tip number 2 when approaching, if it helps you, this is optional, but it Might help you. Have some kind of a drink in your hand if you want, just if that makes you feel more socially Aligned with everybody there. Most people are holding a beverage. Yours can be water. Or you can have a lot of bars, cool looking Cool looking cans that aren't alcohol, but they have you know, it's basically for sober people who wanna look like they A tough drink. Oh, I forgot the name of it. It's not, there's some name of a cool Sparkling water, but, like, it's got a badass name. It sounds like it's alcohol. I forget the name of it. But, anyway, feel free to just ask the bartender to pour you a seltzer and lime. And you can have them put it in a drink, a cocktail looking glass if you want. That way, if you're a little bit in your head about going up and approaching women while not drinking, then Beholding a nonalcoholic drink. She'll just assume it's a drink, and she doesn't need to know if it's not. So those are 2 quick tips for approaching at night. My 3rd tip for approaching sober at night is to be patient. Give yourself those first 3 approaches to get into the zone just like I did that night in Miami. When you go out to a venue where there's a lot of people, you'd want to talk to more than just a couple women probably, if you can, if you have that many people there. So my 3rd tip for approaching at night is Talk to a minimum of 3 women. And in fact, think of those first 3 sorta like your warm up. You're just using those first 3 approaches to help you get out of your head, get into that That action mode. And what I think you'll find is notice how differently you feel From right before you approach woman number 1 and the way you feel after you approach woman number 3 on your sober night out. You might be amazed at how, on a scale of 1 to 10 for confidence, you're probably gonna be at a 2 or a 3 to start. You might be surprised at how big that number is after the 3rd approach. You might feel like a 6, 7, 8 in terms of social confidence because what you're doing is giving your brain proof that you're safe, you can talk to people, you're still you, you're awesome, you don't need alcohol to take action. And then after that third one, you're basically beginning to catch a buzz, but you're catching a buzz on action and putting that authentic action plan in place, doing it with good intentions, Doing this as a man of integrity and sobriety and authenticity, it just feels great. So, Anyway, give it 3 approaches, and then notice how differently how much better you feel while doing it sober.

So, yeah, accept that the first 1 or 2 are gonna be tough, but you're gonna catch a buzz on your own awesome action. Okay. Well, that's 3 tips for approaching women at night. Let's shift to tips for before a date. Let's call this, like, texting slash online dating, for sober daters. Here's one of my favorite Hinge prompts. I got so many matches with this That, I want you to get the same. You know how on Hinge, there is a prompt that says, instead of drinks, let's, and then it gives you 3 options. Here's the prompt idea that got me so many matches. It was instead of drinks, let's. Option 1 was to go to a comedy show. Option 2 was Get dessert. Option 3 was a joke. Option 3 was, Taser Kanye. So, anyway, at the time that I wrote that prompt, that was when Kanye was going crazy with his, like, Nazi, attending Nazi dinners, or hanging out with Neo Nazis or something. And Kanye was pretty much out of control, so that was a trending topic.

So one of the things you can do on Hinge, if you want to have a really good prompt to get more matches that's also funny, but that also key, tees you up to have a sober date is go with the prompt that says, instead of drinks, let's. Make your first 2 not alcohol based dates, like, you know, go to a comedy show, get coffee, Have dessert. Make the first 2 non alcohol related, and make the third one just a funny joke. It can be something totally silly. I don't know what it might be. I'll leave that up to you. As I record this podcast, everybody's talking about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. So instead of drinks, let's go to a comedy show. Grab tapas or see, double double with Travis and Taylor. That'd be funny. Or get Travis plus Taylor forever tattoos. This will get you a lot of matches and because you're gonna get 2 bites of the apple. Number 1, a lot of women like it when a guy suggests something besides alcohol drinks for the 1st date. So she'll like the idea of a comedy show or coffee or dessert or something. And then you also get a match because that third item on your Little quiz is funny. Not to get too comedy nerd on you, but You might know about the rule of 3 in comedy. This idea that when there's a sometimes, oftentimes, the punch line In a comedic line, whether it's a stand up comedian or a stand up show or a movie, It's like 1 normal thing, a second normal thing, and a 3rd crazy silly thing. And so, basically, we're using this comedy concept, the rule of threes, to make her laugh, crack her up, and get you that match unhinge or that heart unhinge. So, yeah, do feel free to use that prompt.

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And you should get matches both on your date ideas, but also on the 3rd funny thing that you come up with. Kanye taser and Kanye got me a lot of matches. The reason I use that is because anything that's trending and that's very, top of mind for the culture in general, women in particular, will get her attention and probably make her smile and make her laugh. So that's a tip for hinge use the instead of drinks prompt you can also feel free by the way feel free on your dating profile to mention that you're that you're not currently drinking. There's nothing wrong with that. At least test it out. That might exclude you from some women who are looking to go have drinks and maybe don't wanna date somebody who's a nondrinker, But it also could very well speak to your ideal date if your ideal date is a woman who doesn't drink. So feel free to put Something on your profile about how you're a nondrinker or being sober, if you'd like. One way to frame it is on, again, on Hinge or Bumble, an app that lets you use a prompt. You could write something like You could write something like, I'm currently sober, but don't worry I'll get drunk on you, winky face. So that's a way to mention you being a nondrinker and then also flip it into something flirtatious. And hey. It's good to have one of your prompts be something flirtatious. And you can use the same basic idea when texting her. Let's say you match with a woman or you're messaging a woman, however you met her, and you're trying to set up that 1st date. What you can do is you can use basically the same idea.

You have the option of giving her a heads up that you don't drink. That's a nice thing to do because if you're not gonna drink, most women are cool with it. Even if they wanna have a cocktail, they're gonna be cool with you not being a drinker. But she might not feel comfortable having a cocktail or 2 while you're not drinking. Some women are comfortable, some women aren't. So what you can do when setting up the date is a couple options here. 1 If you've obviously, you can suggest a date that's completely alcohol free. You know, dessert, coffee, ping pong, an activity that's not alcohol adjacent to Ax throwing. Yeah. Ax throwing should definitely not be alcohol adjacent. That's my public service message for you today. The more you know, don't throw axes while drinking. So you could suggest a booze free date, or you could suggest a date that's booze free. You don't have to make a big deal about it. Or another thing you can do is let's say you're messaging with a woman and things are kind of going toward a cocktail drinks type of first date. You can say to her let's say she seems to be into that. Maybe she mentions on her profile that she likes wine. She loves red wine. Totally fine for you. If you're okay with this in terms of your sobriety or your not being a drinker. If you're okay with being in a venue where there's alcohol, which I totally am, but if you're if you're okay with it, You you can totally set up a date that involves drinking, but if you set up a drinking based date, you wanna give her that heads up in advance that you won't be drinking. And the way you can say it is, you know, for example, you set up a wine bar Date with her because she loves red wine. Awesome. And then let her know by text, hey. Just so you know, I won't be drinking. I'm currently not drinking, or I'm sober, but no worries. I'll be getting buzzed on you. So that little prompt, that flirty prompt idea I mentioned, you can use that as a text, basically, to give her the heads up that, hey, you have no problem with her drinking. Now this gives her some important information about you. This lets her know, oh, this guy doesn't drink. If she's comfortable having, Excuse me. If she's comfortable having some alcohol while you're there, fine. Now you've let her know, and she's gotten a heads up. If she's not comfortable or would rather not do that, that's okay. Now she knows, and you've given her the chance to say, oh, actually, I don't wanna drink if you're not gonna drink. In which case, you can say, oh, cool. No worries. I appreciate that. And then you could shift, make plans that don't involve alcohol.

So everybody's different. Some women are totally cool with them having a drink. While you don't, another thing you might find, I think you're gonna love this. If you'll find oh, you know what? I don't need to drink either. Whether she's sober or just looking to drink less, You might find that she's excited to go on a non booze related drink. So, feel free to basically give her that heads up that you won't be drinking if your first date is alcohol adjacent. Okay? Okay. And then let's talk about let's finish with some tips for being on the date itself in terms of how to navigate a couple things here. So on the date, The topic of your sobriety, if it comes up, and if you're a guy who has a real story about this, like an in-depth story, something serious, maybe even heavy duty. You know? I have coached men who are years in recovery. I've coached men who Used to be addicted to some serious drugs, and they have some harrowing life stories. If you're in that category of, hey, alcohol was a real problem for me, then going into that 1st date, you wanna be prepared on how to talk about it and for how long to talk about it. Here's my advice. If it's a harrowing heavy duty, I used to have a problem type story, then I would not go into depth on a 1st date. Probably. I mean, read the room.

Every situation is different, but a first date should be about you and her keeping things light and keeping the topics pretty light as you and she explore your connection and your chemistry. So a 10, 15 minute conversation or more about addiction, about having had a drinking problem or having had 1, that is a perfectly valid topic to come up at some point, but not on a 1st date. So I would recommend that you keep it surface level. And let's sit let's say you meet at a bar and you are in recovery, and she has a drink or two. And here's how you can handle the topic. She can she might say, oh, you're not drinking or oh, that's right. You said you're not drinking. What's the story there? And you can simply say, I'm not drinking tonight. Or if you wanna add if that feels a little too withholding, you can say, well, I used to drink, but I don't do it anymore because I'm really on a health kick. And, alcohol and I just did not get along in terms of my health, but that's okay. And then here's what you can do. You can deflect I mean deflect, but you can redirect the conversation back to her and say, but that's okay. I'm prepared to get buzzed on you tonight, or I'm prepared to get buzzed I'm getting to know you. I wanna I wanna double shot of Sheila on the rocks or whatever her name is. So I'm not saying I'm absolutely not saying lie, a 100% not. I'm not even saying beat around the bush. I guess I'm saying be a little bit of a politician here and know that you know how, like, a politician when She or he doesn't wanna answer a direct question. They they say what they wanna say, but hopefully in an honest way or at least a not deceptive way, be ready to say, hey, why why don't you drink? Did you have a problem? If she asks that. And you can say, well, you know what? I used to drink a little bit too much, and I realized I wanna be a healthier person. And, that's okay, though. You can have a cocktail or two. I'll be getting drunk on you or I'll be getting buzzed and getting to know you. So that's how I would handle the drinking topic on a first date. 2nd or 3rd date, if as you guys get to know each other better, you can go a little bit deeper. We just don't want the 1st date to turn into To to to have too much of that date turned into your narrative And potentially her narrative about addiction, dependency, it's not fun. Typically, it's not sexy. It's not romantic. So that's how I would handle that question. Just say, hey. I'm not drinking tonight, but I'm gonna get buzzed on you. So, yeah, have a short quick answer ready. And, if she presses if she presses and asks again, you could simply politely say, Well, we can definitely talk about that maybe on a 2nd date. But for night but for tonight, I wanted to ask you and then go back to something that's more fun to talk about. So that's how we wanna handle that topic. One last thing I wanna mention about first dates. One of the ways that alcohol can seemingly aid us on 1st dates is it can make it feel a lot easier to, quote, unquote, make a move. On almost any successful first date where you and she really clicked and things went Great. There's a make out. There's kissing. There's a real connection. There's almost always 1 or 2 moments of truth. Those moments where you have to, maybe fight through some fear and say, go for that first kiss or say that flirtatious thing and, or suggest, ask her out again If that even though that might be scary. And, basically, we have to take some romantic risks to have a really great dating life and or to have it really go well at least to the level that you want. And so alcohol absolutely does or can quiet the fearful lower self that tries to keep us safe. And what I wanna say to you is that just like you can decide to walk up to any woman while sober and begin approaching, on a first date, Even though you're gonna be sober, even though you don't have alcohol, you can decide to make a move when you think the time is right. Of course, we always wanna make those moves with empathy. We wanna read our date. You wanna read her, Make sure you're getting the right kind of signals and vibrating how it's going. But if you're getting those good signals, those green lights, You don't need alcohol to make the move. You just make the decision to make the move. Alcohol doesn't give you any power to make a move. It just quiets the fear or the anxiety. And if you have those moments of fear and anxiety when it's time to go for the 1st kiss or maybe hold her hand the 1st time, That used to scare me so much going trying to hold her hand. That scared me. The 1st kiss scared me going forward, I should say. Telling a woman she's sexy, telling a woman why I like her, being vulnerable like that, that used to really scare me. Also, just loosening up and being really honest and letting my personality come out, that was hard for me to do Often, at least without alcohol. Alcohol made it a little bit easier. But what I've learned on, gosh, Well, probably over a 1000 dates and coaching hundreds and hundreds of men and coaching many dozens of sober men is that you don't need alcohol to make those moves. You just need courage. You just make a decision using courage to Say the scary, flirty thing, or move in for that 1st kiss if you think she's ready for it and she wants you to, or ask her out again. Alcohol can make it easier, but you don't need it. You just make that decision so you can get a buzz off of your own courage in addition to catching a buzz off of her awesomeness and getting to know her. Okay. Those are some quick 7 or 8 tips on how to date sober with approaching, with texting before a date, and on the date itself. And keep this in mind too. Just like with approaching, you're gonna feel so much more confident and better After those first 2 or 3 approaches, on a date, even though you're not drinking, once you get in the moment with her, you get present, You're gonna feel yourself authentic, confident, at least more so as the date goes on. And, Yeah. I hope that all makes sense. Hey. Thank you so much for listening. A really cool guest came up. You're gonna hear all about that. And remember, your future soulmate, girlfriend, love of your life, she's out there. She already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. I'll see you next time. Thank you for listening to the dating transformation podcast. For lots of free tips, videos, and other goodies, go to dating transformation.com. See you next time.

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