Connell Barrett:
And at the end of this episode, you're gonna hear the change in his voice. You're gonna hear how much more confident he sounds. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach, Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you flirt, gain confidence, get a great girlfriend, and do it by being authentic. Integrity. No sketchy pickup moves needed. And if you are listening to this episode, I'll bet that you struggle with self confidence.
Connell Barrett:
Maybe you're not sure that you are in the league of the kind of woman you'd like to have as a girlfriend. Maybe you just feel like, oh, I'm not good enough at flirting or I'm not attractive enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm not charismatic enough. I'm not good enough. I'll bet there's some kind of doubt that's holding you back, and that's incredibly common. It's so common. I dealt with it too.
Connell Barrett:
And today, I'm gonna help you transform any confidence issues you have and turn from lacking confidence to feeling really certain and confident about your attractiveness to women. I'm gonna let you in on a coaching session I did a while back with my client Nick. Nick is a great guy. You're about to listen to the very first coaching call we ever had. And Nick came to me because he just feels like he's, like, sees himself as a five. He's a five or six out of 10. He's not a really attractive guy in his mind. And what you're gonna listen to is how we take Nick from feeling like I'm not good enough, I'm too nice, women don't want nice guys like me, and you'll actually hear his transformation in this episode.
Connell Barrett:
I'm gonna take him through a process that I call the higher self awakening or the authentic self awakening. Essentially, what we're gonna do is identify his biggest limiting belief that is hurting his confidence with women. I'm gonna ask him some questions and take him through the process. And at the end of this episode, you're gonna hear the change in his voice. You're gonna hear how much more confident he sounds, how much more belief he has in himself. So he's going to essentially transform, not into a different person, but he's gonna awaken what I call the higher self, which is you, me, Nick. It's any man at his most confident, what I call a higher self. Because here's what I learned in all of my years of work, first working on my dating life and then becoming a dating coach, is that you, me, everybody, we all have dual selves in a sense.
Connell Barrett:
We have what I call the higher self and what I call the lower self. Now your higher self is the hero of your life. It's any area of your life that brings you joy, fulfillment, confidence, you feel amazing. That's your higher self. He's confident. He's focused. He's authentic. He's in the zone.
Connell Barrett:
He's basically you operating at your full potential. So the job you love, the biceps you've sculpted, maybe the great kid that you're raising if you're a single dad, any area of you of your life where you feel, like, amazing or at least amazing at times, it's the superhero inside of you who's running the show. At the same time, every superhero has an arch villain. Every superhero has to face that mustache twirling bad guy, and I call that the lower self. The lower self is that fearful, doubtful side of you who says, oh, maybe I'm not enough. Maybe I'm not tall enough. I don't have six pack abs. Women don't want to date me, at least not amazing women.
Connell Barrett:
And it's that little voice that says, don't approach her. She's out of your league. It's that little voice that creates the frustration, the insecurity, and leads to things like loneliness, leads to things like settling, leads to things like anger, depression. In extreme cases with some guys I've worked with, really dark thoughts wanting to hurt themselves. And I felt this way too for a long time. I walked through the world feeling like I was just not enough. So, again, think of your higher self as you at your best, and your lower self, it's that voice of self doubt. And what you're gonna hear today with Nick is you're gonna hear him go from that lower self to his higher self, and you're gonna hear him give his higher self a name.
Connell Barrett:
Because what I'd have all my clients do when we first start working together is they give their lower selves a name. I had a client named Frederick who gave his lower self the name frightened Freddie because he could not talk to a girl, a woman out in the world. His hands would sweat. His forehead would sweat. His hands would shake. He gave his lower self a name, but then he became once we awakened his higher self, he became Frederick the Great, and he could approach women anywhere. I had another client named, different a different client, not the Nick you're about to listen to, but I had a different client named Nicholas who named his lower self one nut Nick, and he changed into Nicholas the great. So you can instantly become confident or at least a lot more confident in a short amount of time.
Connell Barrett:
And if you wanna do what I want you to do in this episode is I want you to follow along, and don't just listen passively to my conversation with Nick. Answer the same questions I ask Nick of yourself. When I ask Nick, hey. What is the biggest thing holding you back? What do you think you're missing? Ask yourself that question. And as as we're gonna go through this process, you're gonna hear Nick realize how valuable, how attractive, how amazing he is to women, and you'll notice the shift inside of him. And I want you to feel that same shift. Because here's what we're here's where I'm taking you, or here's where here's where we took Nick. A couple of months after this episode was recorded, Nick was out on the town in New York City with me.
Connell Barrett:
I do in person coaching with guys in New York City. Nick and I were out on the town, and he test drove this new and improved higher self. And I saw him approach and walk up to some gorgeous, cool, stylish women and get phone numbers, creating instant attraction. And just recently, Nick was telling me about a girl he has been dating. He got intimate. He had a really great first date with her. And, essentially, this new higher self that we created in this coaching session that you're about to hear, that is what women are most attracted to. There is nothing more attractive to women than you at your most confident, authentic, badass in the zone version of you.
Connell Barrett:
The best dating moves, the best pickup lines, the best flirting moves, none of those are gonna work very well for very long if they're coming from that insecure lower self. But if you walk up to a woman feeling amazing, feeling confident, feeling in the zone, you can go on a date, you can approach, you can just chat with a woman, and she will get attracted to you because she's talking to your 10 out of 10 version of you. Okay. Enough preamble. If you want, if you just wanna skip ahead about five or six minutes from right here, that's where the coaching session begins with Nick and myself. Listen to Nick go from insecure in his head to so much more confident. He's now getting great dating results. Listen along.
Connell Barrett:
Do the authentic self awakening process that I do with him. Follow along. Make this an active process. Let's go out, let's go out there. Let's make you more confident. Let's get you a great girlfriend. Enjoy my coaching session and this episode with Nick. Okay.
Connell Barrett:
Nick, good to talk to you, man. What's up?
Nick:
Good to see you. How are you?
Connell Barrett:
Our first I'm good. Our first official coaching call. Cool. So here's what we're gonna do today. We're going to take a quick look at whatever we discover is a big potentially limiting belief you have about your sense of dating worth. Basically, what we wanna do is uncover potentially your biggest limiting belief and replace it with something that feels a lot better and will make it will just make you feel more confident, more excited, and more sort of stoked about going out to approach girls, go on dates, and just really take lots of action. How does that sound?
Nick:
Sounds great.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Cool. So my first question for you and what we're doing here, by the way, it's a process that I call the confidence code. Essentially, I'm gonna give you, for lack of a better term, codes, cheat codes, to find confidence from within and from inside as opposed to drawing confidence about women and dating from external sources. Because we wanna be internally powered, almost like a nuclear power plant, as opposed to externally powered, like solar power, drawing it from external sources. So this is all about giving you that confidence code to find confidence and a good mojo from within. So the first question is pretty simple, which is what belief one or two or three possibilities we can look at before we dial in. What are a couple of beliefs you have about yourself in relation to women and dating that you feel might be holding you back or that just make you feel sort of bad or low in confidence?
Nick:
I would say one belief slash fear is that I worry that the woman will sense that I'm not maybe not masculine or confident enough. Maybe she'll sense that I'm a little more on the shy side, like, shy slash sensitive. And when I start worrying about it, that makes me feel even more, shy or not confident. So it's like a negative spiral that I go into.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Got it. So I wrote down one possibility here. I'm not masculine enough to attract the kinds of women you're attracted to. Is that pretty close to it? Okay. Are there any other beliefs that pop up that get in your head a lot about literally anything other than what you just said? Because I wanna look at a couple options and just make sure that we're looking at sort of the biggest, baddest one.
Nick:
Yeah. I'm also kinda insecure about showing my interest in the girl because I feel as though it will automatically put me below her because girls, and especially if they're attractive, they're used to guys showing a lot of interest in them. So I feel if I show interest, I'll be just like all the other guys that have, you know, shown interest in her. And she automatically put me in that category of, like, every other guy and basically, not not see me as good enough for her.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Got it. And there's two. So I'm not masculine or attractive. Sorry. I'm not masculine or man enough to attract the kinds of desirable women that I want. Number two, I'm afraid if I show romantic interest, she'll lose romantic interest.
Nick:
Mhmm.
Connell Barrett:
Anything else? Are those the two biggest ones that come to mind?
Nick:
Well, I guess, physical attractiveness. I don't think I'm a bad looking guy, but I haven't had a whole lot of success with online dating even though I think I have pretty decent photos. But there's obviously room for improvement. But since I've had so little success in online dating, it kinda carries over into the real world too. And I think, well, these girls don't like me, when they see my good pictures, so why would they like me in person?
Connell Barrett:
Okay.
Connell Barrett:
And if a woman saw your pictures on a dating app and decided she didn't like you, what would that mean in your mind or at least when you're thinking these thoughts? What does that mean?
Nick:
That I'm not attractive enough to date the kinds of women that I find attractive.
Connell Barrett:
Not physically attractive enough or masculine enough or combination?
Nick:
Well, if we're talking about pictures, it's more physical attractiveness.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Okay. Got it. So the belief there is it safe to say is something close to this. I am not physically attractive enough to attract women I'm into on dating apps.
Nick:
Right. And in the real world.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Got it. Alright. So we have three beliefs here. I'm not masculine enough to attract women. If I show interest, I might lose their interest, come across as needy and try hard, basically. Right?
Nick:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett:
And then the third one is about, oh, I'm not good looking enough, not attractive enough on the apps. So the first and the third belief are sort of our two finalists. The middle one is about, oh, I'm afraid if I show romantic interest, you'll lose interest, that is a belief that is associated with what you think good mechanics are. Mhmm. And now I do believe that this is a limiting belief. However, a mechanics based belief typically is not as debilitating and shitty feeling as something that's about you, what I call an identity belief. Basically, I'm not good enough. Right? So for example, I used to get my biggest limiting belief back in the day, Nick, as I am just too introverted, too soft spoken and dorky to approach and attract women.
Connell Barrett:
That felt crushing to me as opposed to, oh, I'm not I'm not quite sure how to flirt, what to say. I might do it wrong. I limited myself too, but that felt like something that was learnable as opposed to something about me. So, typically, what will make this confidence code really be the most powerful experience for you is we look at something that's about you, Nick, and that internal identity worth and value you offer women. So we got down to two final two, and then we'll actually do the process here. So let me just say these to you and imagine these are going through your head when you're out in the world dating. And tell me which of these feels more debilitating and heavier and fuck. It sucks.
Connell Barrett:
Number one, I'm just not masculine enough. I'm not man enough for the kinds of women to be attracted to me. Number two, I'm just not good looking enough to attract women, especially on dating apps. I don't have the looks. Which of those two feels like, deeper, heavier, shittier?
Nick:
Probably the first one.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Got it. Then let's go with this one. Because when looking at a quick inside baseball thing, and then we'll do the process. There's basically two kinds of beliefs. One is identity belief, and the other is what's called a worldview belief, meaning how the world works. Okay? And so this belief that you have, which may or may not be limiting, it's just a belief. Let's find out in a second.
Connell Barrett:
But this is what I call an identity belief because it's about you as a man and relating to your worth and value to women. And these are these kinds of beliefs that are usually the most powerful to fix because wherever you go, there you are. Right? So we wanna make sure we have that handled. So cool. Let's go a little bit deeper on this. Okay. So here's what we're gonna do. I'll probably repeat this belief a few times.
Connell Barrett:
So me, you, Nick, I am just not masculine enough. I'm not man enough to attract the kinds of women I'm into. Okay. Here's a thought experiment. Imagine you're in a courtroom, and you are an attorney standing in front of a jury, and you're making your opening statement. And your opening statement is, I am just me, Nick. I am just not masculine or man enough to attract wonderful women. Make your case.
Connell Barrett:
In other words, what is your evidence that this is true, or what stories do you tell yourself to justify this belief? Basically, back this case up with evidence. The courtroom floor is yours. Go ahead.
Nick:
Well, firstly, I was never super physically strong compared to other guys. Even though I do go to the gym once or twice a week, but just going back to childhood and up to this day, I never felt like I was quite physically as strong as a lot of other men. And I was always, especially as a teenager, I was super skinny. So that also kinda contributed to this belief that I'm just not physically strong enough. Also, I was never much of a risk taker. I was always more on the cautious side, and I have a tendency to kinda overthink and analyze things. I was never, like, a daredevil slash, you know, reckless risk taker.
Connell Barrett:
And Not a risk taker. Okay.
Nick:
Right. I was always more on the sensitive side. Like, emotionally, I would be more sensitive than the average guy, I feel. And I also have a tendency to be an introverted slash on the shy side, like you mentioned, similar to your previous belief.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Alright. Interesting. So I'm your co counsel, by the way, in the courtroom, and I'm gonna take a moment and say, hey, Nick. So just to remind you, we're here to make a case. And the case is that you are not masculine or man enough to attract quality women. So make sure you back up that proposition. Because so far, you haven't mentioned women once.
Connell Barrett:
Your evidence has not mentioned anything about women. So, hit me. What's your evidence that women do not find you masculine or man enough? Okay. The floor is yours again.
Nick:
I guess I just assume that all these things I listed make me less masculine and compared to my competition, and therefore, a woman will likely choose more masculine guys rather than myself.
Connell Barrett:
Interesting. You just said, I just assumed. Yeah?
Nick:
Well, also, there was a girl back in freshman year of college that I was
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Nick:
Go ahead. Go ahead. In. And back then, I was super skinny, like, under borderline underweight. And we got along really well, but she just ended up friend zoning me. And I thought that part of the reason was that I was too skinny. And she actually mentioned me being super skinny a couple times. So I thought that has something to do with it.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. So a girl in college friend zoned you and mentioned you being skinny.
Nick:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett:
When she dumped you, did she say it's because you're skinny?
Nick:
She never dumped me. She just friend zoned me and, like, we were friends with you.
Connell Barrett:
Sorry. Friend, okay. Got it. So she actually didn't. Did she do so when her friend zoned you, did she say, sorry, Nick. You're a little skinny for me. We're just gonna be friends.
Nick:
No. She gave me a bullshit reason saying that she doesn't wanna ruin our friendship, but, obviously, I knew that was just the cover up. But she did mention me being skinny a couple of times.
Connell Barrett:
Okay.
Nick:
But, you know
Connell Barrett:
Alright. Okay. So far, you've got in terms of evidence for this core belief that weighs you down, you've got a girl in college who said you were skinny and didn't wanna date you. Mhmm. Any other hard evidence? Because the court because the judge is looking, some of the guys in the jury are yawning. The judge is cleaning his glasses and coughing. Remember, you're in a court here. You're here to say, here is rock solid evidence and proof that I am not man enough, and I am just not masculine enough to date quality women.
Connell Barrett:
So how many women have said to you, Nick, in so many words, Nick, you're just not masculine enough for me. You're too sensitive.
Nick:
Well, my first girlfriend mentioned that. She didn't break up with me because of it, but she did mention one time that I'm a little feminine. That was years ago, though, so I feel I have changed a lot since then. But that was, like, twelve years ago or eleven.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. So you're in court trying to prove something beyond a reasonable doubt. Oh, wait. Well, let's use the word " man enough" because you mentioned that to me last week. I just don't feel man enough. How many women have said you are, quote, not man enough for me? Zero. Zero? I'm confused because you have this core belief. I am not masculine or man enough to attract quality women.
Connell Barrett:
So how many women have said it? You said a thousand or or zero?
Nick:
Zero.
Connell Barrett:
Interesting. By the way, I don't know if this belief is true or false. We're just looking for evidence to support it. So far, I don't feel physically strong. We've got, I just assume, women who weren't into me. It's because of this reason. I'm on the sensitive side. Fair enough.
Connell Barrett:
And you've got a girl in college friend zoned you. Any other evidence to back up your big court case?
Nick:
No.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Just curious. I hope you're getting paid a lot, by your client. Okay. Oh, by the way, quick sidebar. No court pun intended. Quick sidebar. So if this belief feels especially true and also just, like, cemented and hard to fix, it's because not only is it is an identity belief that I'm just not man enough, not just good enough, there's also a supposition in this belief, which is that idea of a worldview belief.
Connell Barrett:
This is how the world works. This is how other people think. And so, basically, what this belief is telling you is from inside out, I'm not good enough. And, also, your belief is saying to you, all these women in the world, they want a man who is masculine and and man enough. That's what all women want or at least quality women. Yeah. So if it feels, like, doubly intense, it's because you've got, like, an internal thing and also an external force basically saying, hey. Every woman in the world wants masculine and manly, and I'm not that.
Connell Barrett:
And that's why it can feel sort of like a double decker shit sandwich. Anyway, okay. Right. Moving on. Next question. What is this belief, this belief about not being masculine or man enough, what does this belief do for you? Or how does it serve you or help you? And let me clarify this. This is not a trick question. When we have a belief, even if it's potentially a limiting one, the reason why these beliefs can take hold is because they give us something.
Connell Barrett:
They can give us a certain sense of something, or they can also protect us from pain. So for example, my belief back in the day was I am just too nerdy and introverted to be able to approach and attract women. In other words, I thought I wasn't good enough. And my belief allowed me to not approach, not take action because I didn't want to find out that I wasn't good enough. I remember one night about fifteen years ago, I was going out to approach women for the first time in my life. I'd made a decision. I leave my apartment on a Friday night. I'm walking down the block out to go meet girls.
Connell Barrett:
And I stop halfway down the block. And I said to myself, you know what? You should really go back home and finish writing that article that's due for your job on Monday. Yeah. Go back and finish that. You can approach girls tomorrow. So I did a 180. I went back home and I wrote, I'm sure, a really good article for the magazine I worked for. So my belief about my being not good enough to approach women gave me the reason to instead do something that I felt I felt confident in, okay, which is writing.
Connell Barrett:
Another quick example. Sometimes a belief just gives a guy certainty about how the world works. So I had a client named Anthony who his main belief was women only wanna date really, really rich guys. Yeah. And I'm not rich enough. And I said, okay. How does that belief give you? And he said, oh, well, it gives me a sense of superiority. At least I'm not shallow like all those people.
Connell Barrett:
He actually said it makes me feel like I'm a monk on a hill, and I get to look down on everybody and be better than them. So his belief in a weird way was giving him something. Anyway, sorry for that long winded discourse. So when you think about it, oh, I'm just not masculine or man enough. When you buy into that belief, what does it either allow you to do that feels good, or what does it keep you from doing that maybe shields you from pain or shields you from discomfort?
Nick:
I would say, probably similar to you, that it gives me a reason not to approach, especially if I'm at the bar at night. I see my competition, And I see a decent amount of guys that I think are more physically strong and maybe more masculine looking or more attractive. So having that belief allows me a reason not to try to approach because I think, you know, it's probably not gonna work because I'm not as good as some of my competition.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. And so is it fair to say that the belief keeps you from taking action that could be painful?
Nick:
Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. So it shields you from pain?
Nick:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Anything else it gives you? No. I'm not looking for anything. Just wanna find out. Anything it gives you or shields you from?
Nick:
Guess it gives me something to work towards maybe. Like, if I can become physically strong or Okay. Masculine. Like, there's something to strive towards.
Connell Barrett:
Kinda like, women want a masculine badass man. I better work and try to be that and whatever. Hit the gym or work on my masculinity or whatever. Something like that? Yeah. Okay. Interesting. So that that actually is a form of kind of value for lack of a better term. Basically, a limiting belief in it.
Connell Barrett:
The reason why it stays burrowed in our minds is it pays the rent in a weird way. It gives us something or it shields us from something we don't want to deal with. So that's partially why it can stay present, but potentially at a very steep cost. So let's talk about that. Next question then. So this belief, again, I'll say it a couple more times, that you're just not masculine or man enough to attract quality, attractive women. How do you feel about yourself when you really feel this belief? How does it feel? What does it cost you?
Nick:
Makes me feel inferior, disempowered, and also kinda hopeless about my dating prospects.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Hopeless and disempowered in what sense? Can you just elaborate a little bit?
Nick:
Disempowered as in, I'm unable to attract the woman that I want because I feel I'm not good enough or masculine enough in that sense.
Connell Barrett:
Okay.
Nick:
Hopeless because I assume that, you know, most women aren't gonna be into me, And so I'm probably not gonna be able to date the kinds of women that I really want.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Got it. So when you really buy into this belief, it just makes you feel hopeless, unable to take action or sorry. Unable to fix this. What a pity. What were a couple other adjectives you used? I just wanna get clear on this.
Nick:
Disempowered.
Connell Barrett:
Disempowered. Thank you.
Nick:
Inferior. Yep. So more attractive for more masculine men.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Yep. I remember feeling so inferior. I remember going out to a bar or club back in the day. Before I even approached a girl, just imagining it, I would look at that charismatic guy, and I'd think, oh, man. I'm not as good as him. So I just felt less than. I felt smaller.
Connell Barrett:
I felt Yeah. Stuck, super stuck.
Nick:
Yep.
Connell Barrett:
Why are all those girls flirting with those guys? What about me? Why can't I be like them? Compare, you know, compare grades to despair. Exactly. Got it. Okay. Alright. I wanna do a little exercise with you. I'm gonna do it with you pretty much. Although you're going to stand up.
Connell Barrett:
I'm not because I need to be close to my mic, but I'm gonna ask you to stand up. Okay. And I'm gonna ask you to take on a physical pose. One second. Let me just make sure my mic is good. Okay. I want you to stand in a certain way. I want you to stand with your feet together.
Connell Barrett:
Take a feminine, quote unquote, feminine stance. In other words, feet together, knees together. And I also want you to slump your shoulders a little bit. I want you to stand, kind of slouch, hunch your back, make it a question mark, and tell me when you're in that position. Okay?
Nick:
Yeah. I'm in that position.
Connell Barrett:
Okay. Yeah. And let your arms hang. Now, this is not gonna be fun, but it's gonna be really helpful. So I'm gonna ask you to give this a %. Okay? Stay in that position. Stay small. Stay hunched.
Connell Barrett:
And for the next thirty to forty five seconds, I'm gonna ask you to say what I say and mirror the way I say it. So don't just repeat the words. Say it with my tone of voice. Okay?
Nick:
Okay.
Connell Barrett:
Here we go. I'm gonna do it with you. And so do whatever I say, whatever I say, and, also, make whatever sounds I make. So starting right now in three seconds, just make the noises and the sounds and the words I make. Okay? Here we go. Fuck.
Nick:
Fuck.
Connell Barrett:
I am just not man enough for really hot girls.
Nick:
I am just not man enough for really hot girls.
Connell Barrett:
I feel so disempowered.
Nick:
I feel so disempowered.
Connell Barrett:
Look at all those men, and I'm not a man. I'm small.
Nick:
Look at all these men, and I'm not a man. I'm small.
Connell Barrett:
This is not fixable. I'm hopeless.
Nick:
This is not fixable. I'm hopeless.
Connell Barrett:
Great job. Keep it going. I want even more emotional commitment in your voice. Okay? So really mirror me. This is unfixable.
Nick:
This is unfixable.
Connell Barrett:
I'm too sensitive. My muscles are too small.
Nick:
I'm too sensitive. My muscles are too small.
Connell Barrett:
I'm not a risk taker.
Nick:
I'm not a risk taker.
Connell Barrett:
Too feminine. I'm like a woman.
Nick:
Too feminine. I’m like a woman.
Connell Barrett:
Women want a man, and I'm just too feminine. I'm too ladylike. Why would they want me?
Nick:
Women want a man. I'm just too ladylike. I mean, why would they want me?
Connell Barrett:
Jesus Christ. This sucks.
Nick:
Jesus Christ this sucks.
Connell Barrett:
Why bother?
Nick:
Why bother?
Connell Barrett:
Hold that for ten more seconds. Okay? Think about the girl in college whose friend zoned you. Think about gorgeous women with other outgoing guys compared to you. Hold that for five more seconds. K. Right now, on a scale of one to ten, one being really low, unattractive, not a man, 10 being a fucking amazing superhero, what number are you at right now?
Nick:
I would say a solid nine.
Connell Barrett:
Fuck, dude. How'd you go from a three to a nine? What happened? How did you get there? Okay. I'll use that quote on my website. How did you get there? How did we do what we did to take you from a three to a nine?
Nick:
So I started doubting my old belief
Connell Barrett:
Yep.
Nick:
And started focusing more on a better belief that I also think has a lot of truth to it. And then I basically changed my body language to reflect that new belief.
Connell Barrett:
Right. And that's the confidence code in a quick little formula. You just gave it to me or you just said it. I'll underline it. The confidence code is number one, it's a core powerful belief about what you offer women combined with your physiology, the way you use your body and your voice. Notice how we had you yelling. We had you doing falsetto. We had you getting silly.
Connell Barrett:
And so when you use your physiology and your focus on a story that's way more empowering, instead of focusing on that bullshit, I gotta be like Gerard Butler, girls don't like me nonsense, What this does is it essentially takes your state up to a seven, eight, nine, 10. In your case, a nine. Literally triple where you were before. And you don't need me with you to do this. You can do this on your own. And all you need to do is you don't have to do the whole hour, by the way. You already did the hard work, if you take this core belief that we just wrote, which you've repeated many times. And what you do is you say this out loud.
Connell Barrett:
You say it with some emotion. You really commit to it, and you say it while walking and talking in a nice tall stance, using your physiology. Because there's an expression that an old coach said to me. Motion is emotion. If you're walking and talking and standing like a three friend zone, effeminate, sensitive, rejected guy, guess what? You're gonna get those results. But if you walk and talk and think and focus like Nico on your worth, your height, your gentlemanliness, your intelligence, all these amazing things about you, you're gonna go up to an eight, nine, 10. And you can do this anytime you want. Now, by the way, out of curiosity, feeling like at nine, like you're now feeling.
Connell Barrett:
Would it be a lot easier to go approach a woman right now compared to before? Right. Yeah. If you approached a woman in the state we just got you into as Nico, is there a much higher chance that something really good could happen based on that?
Nick:
Yeah.
Connell Barrett:
Absolutely. Yeah. And is it would it be much more likely that you would take a lot more action if you felt that way regularly versus feeling it like it at two, three, four?
Nick:
Yes. Yes.
Connell Barrett:
Absolutely. So, basically, the fastest way to just really transform your confidence is to write that new belief, which you've done. Get it in your body, in your head, in your gut. Say it out loud. Use your physiology. In other words, the way you use your body. And here's the good news. I've I've bad news and great news.
Connell Barrett:
Bad news is tomorrow morning, you might wake up feeling maybe not at a nine. K? Old beliefs die hard. Now it's possible that the old belief will disappear forever after this phone call. I hope it does. But if it doesn't, nothing to worry about. Nothing to freak out about. Think of this new belief that you wrote with me. Think of it like a tabletop.
Connell Barrett:
For a belief to become something that we know in our marrow, our heart is true and real, it needs legs under it. It needs proof. In other words, proof that it's true. And that's what we're gonna be doing for the rest of our time together is going getting you out in the world, meeting some gorgeous, cool, amazing women, and you getting proof and evidence that you are tall, intelligent, attractive, more than dominant enough, more than man and masculine enough for lots of cute curls. And give it a little time. Give it some new reps, some new references. Those references become table legs, and, essentially, this new belief becomes really sturdy. Like, imagine a table with, like, 10 legs under it.
Connell Barrett:
It'd be really sturdy. Right now, there might not be 10 legs. It might be a little wobbly, and that's okay. Does that make sense?
Nick:
Yeah. For sure.
Connell Barrett:
Yeah. So your marching orders as we move forward working together is every day, you're gonna do what I call in my book the confidence kickoff, which is getting yourself in a really good, resourceful, awesome state by doing what we just did here, except you don't need to do it for an hour. It only takes about five or ten minutes. And you remind yourself of this belief. You tattoo this belief on your neck or your lower back. You memorize it. You get it in your system. And what really makes it true is when you start getting that new evidence, when you get that first really cute girl who's like, damn, Nico.
Connell Barrett:
You are so freaking manly. I love you. Or whatever she says. That makes you feel manly. And then your brain is like, woah. This really is true. And that's then this becomes something that you know and that is you, not something that you have to try to just believe. Does that make sense?
Nick:
Yeah. That sounds great.
Connell Barrett:
Say it one more time. You could say it in a chill. Nico just had the best sex of his life. You're lying, you're lying in bed. You're smoking a cigarette with your lady. Turn to me and give me your new belief. What is it?
Nick:
I am attractive to a lot of beautiful women because I am tall, intelligent, charming, and a gentleman, but also dominant in the bedroom. I am Nico.
Connell Barrett:
Cool. Now go back to bed with her. Wake up in the morning.
Nick:
Talk to the mat.
Connell Barrett:
Give her some, give her some morning sex. And okay. Cool. So, yeah, marching orders, make this your daily, what I call, hour of power confidence kickoff, and then give it a few weeks to really sink in. And you are basically Nico by the way, Nico is who you really are. When we strip away the self doubt, the stories, the bullshit, Nico is the real you, that radically authentic you. So thanks for stepping up and doing a really intense session. You did amazing.
Nick:
Thank you. It was Alright. Life changing.
Connell Barrett:
Cool, bro.