Connell Barrett:

A woman's at a bar at a club, she is not out to just hand her phone number out to anybody. You have to earn it. Welcome back to the how to get a girlfriend podcast. I'm your host, dating coach Connell Barrett. I'm here to help you learn to flirt, get a great girlfriend, and do it all with authenticity. No sketchy weird pickup artist moves needed. And I love doing these coaching episodes. Today is an episode for you if you ever get tongue tied when wanting to approach a woman, especially in a bar or club.

Connell Barrett:

You're just not sure what to say, you get in your head, or maybe you do occasionally talk to women, but you just can't keep the conversation going, and that's really frustrating. And that's what my client, Eric, came to me battling. So you're gonna meet Eric today. This is our very first coaching session that we are doing. He came to me with a very specific challenge, getting in his head, struggling with approaching, and struggling to just keep the conversation going. So we're mainly gonna be talking about that. And Eric is a really common case. He's a biologist, or rather he's studying biology.

Connell Barrett:

He's in his mid twenties. He's a grad student in biology, and a lot of men, maybe you, have logical analytical jobs like grad school, engineering, software developing, finance, and in this case, biology, science. So if you struggle with science if you struggle with science, if you struggle with flirting with women and what to say, a lot of it is because you can be overly logical and not create that fun playful vibe that women like. So listen to today's episode. I have so many great tips that I shared with Eric. I think a couple little moments you wanna go to. At the 17 minute mark, roughly 17 minute mark, I talk about the wrong way to approach women. And then, oh, this is great.

Connell Barrett:

There's a really good story at the 39 minute mark, where I talk about the truth about what women really find creepy with men who approach them. Basically, it's not what you think. The thing that you think is creepy is actually not creepy at all, And something that you might not know is creepy is super creepy. So that's about 39 minutes in. So enjoy this coaching session with Eric. Here we go. Eric, what's up, man? How's your day? Good to hear from you. I'm well.

Connell Barrett:

Too. Let's get to some coaching. What is top of mind for you today? How can I help you, bro?

Eric:

I guess just talking to potential dates in a in a in a in a live setting, you know, like in, at a bar or something. It's something that I tend to struggle with. I guess, if you can help me out with that, you know, whoever's listening. Yeah. I'll stay on top of that.

Connell Barrett:

Tell me a little bit about specifically what you're struggling with, and if you have a story, an anecdote from the recent past about a time you wanted to talk and didn't, but or couldn't keep the conversation going, feel free to elaborate.

Eric:

Yeah. I mean, the past couple of times I've gone to this one club, nowhere where I live, it's just like it was. It was decently loud. It was crowded. I'm not too used to clubs, but it was like, I would go up to a woman and I'd say, like, hey. Is this your first time? Or something like that. And, you know, like because, like, they were at, like, a Thursday event. So I said, hey. Is this your first time at a Thursday event? They're like, yeah.

Eric:

I'd be like, hi. I'm blah blah blah. And they're like, oh, you know. And I'd ask you, like, what do you do? Who do you talk to? That's that type of thing. I'm sorry. Who are your friends, that kind of thing. And, but then after that, it's kind of a struggle to keep going. And, you know, the questions like, you know, what do you do for work? That type of thing.

Eric:

What do you do for fun? They're a little, they're a little boring. I don't even like asking them. So I feel like even then, my heart's not all my heart's not all not all there. So it can be a little boring. And and, like, I guess maybe, like, the momentum stops. And, like, I feel like it's kinda something where it's, like, well, well, it was good talking to you, you know.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So that's a pattern you've seen? Yeah. Yeah. That's the pattern? Got it. Let's go back to one of these examples. Think back to the last time this happened. You saw her, you walked up, and you basically it sounds like you asked a lot of questions. Right? Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

And you started with, oh, is this your first time here? Yeah. Did you really care that much if it was our first time?

Eric:

Oh, that's a good question. Probably not. I mean

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

Eric:

I wouldn't outside outside of you know Let me

Connell Barrett:

ask you this. You know you know Wonder Woman. Right? Yeah. Are you a comic book guy, Marvel guy?

Eric:

Not particularly.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. But you know about Wonder Woman and her lasso of truth?

Eric:

Oh, yes. Of course.

Connell Barrett:

She puts the lasso around you, and if Wonder Woman's lasso is around you, you must tell the truth. I would love Wonder Woman to tie me up is what I'm saying. But let's say that I had let's say go back in time to that approach you just described at that club. By the way, this woman, just to paint a picture for me, what did she look like? What was she wearing?

Eric:

She was wearing a dress. She had shoulder length blonde hair. Okay. She was a little a little shorter than me. Maybe 5 5, that kind of thing.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Cool. And she's at a cool club in California where you live? Yeah. Got it. Okay. So if Wonder Woman if I had Wonder Woman's rope, if I was with you in field helping you approach women like I do with my clients here in New York City, if I threw that wonder woman rope around you and I said to you, Eric, now you have to tell the truth about any question that's asked you. You must speak the truth. If I said to you, what's the deepest truest thing you're thinking and feeling about that woman? What would the answer be?

Eric:

I'm here to ask people on a date. I wanna ask you on a date, I guess.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. That's honest. I appreciate that you gave the honest answer, which is great. We wanna start with a place of authenticity and honesty. At the same time, we also wanna find this balance when we approach women. Before you ask for what you want, you need to give her something.

Eric:

Mhmm. You

Connell Barrett:

need to bring value. Bring value. So what do I mean by bringing value? You want to try to make her night better than it was the second before she met you. And if you walked up to a woman and you said, hey. Here's what I want from you. I wanna date you. Is that giving her any value?

Eric:

Probably not. Definitely not. At that stage, no. I mean, it's just a mile.

Connell Barrett:

But there well, there is value in honesty, So that's why I do want you to arc toward honesty. At the same time, we wanna balance truth and authenticity with bringing some value, bringing good vibes, bringing some kind of something that's gonna make her smile. Do you think asking her how if this was her first night brings her much value, if any?

Eric:

Probably not. I mean, it would put us on, like, even ground, I guess. I mean, where I would go, I'd be like, oh, yeah. I'd I mean, because it was my second time, I'd be like, oh, yeah. It's a nice place. You know? Like, I'd tell her about the event, which isn't much value either, I guess.

Connell Barrett:

Gotcha. So do you have any thoughts on how you could have made her smile or tried to? You might not have succeeded, but how can you try to make a woman like that smile with the first thing that you say? Any thoughts there?

Eric:

Moment of humor. I like humor. I've made one of my off on dates before. Cool. I guess it's just kinda hard on the spot when I don't really know anyone. A lot of my humor is maybe, like, we talk about a show or something. I'm like, like, you know, with my friends. A lot of my humor is just, like, references to shows and stuff like that or, like, details about people that I already know.

Eric:

So it's a little hard when it's, like, impromptu or, like, I'm just meeting someone.

Connell Barrett:

No. I'm not saying it's easy, but if you're trying to do something that's very difficult or that's challenging for most men. You're walking up to a beautiful woman, and you would love to walk away with a phone number or a date with her. Right? Mhmm. Right. So the great things in life are difficult. That's okay. There's also great rewards waiting for you on the other end of this.

Connell Barrett:

So back to that little moment. The wonder woman rope of truth is, oh, wow. I would love a date with you. Fine. Let's keep that wonder woman rope of truth around you. What is a truthful, honest way to show your sense of humor to her? Any possible ideas? A joke you might crack? Do you have a favorite knock knock joke? Do you have a go to I don't mean with approaching, I just mean a

Eric:

go

Connell Barrett:

to quick, like, default jokes or something that might make you laugh that you could say to anybody, whether it's a woman or somebody else.

Eric:

Oh, no. I think most of my humor is, like, incidental. Like, my friend will say something and I'll say, like, a pun, and then they'll sigh really heavily and be like, why are you my friend?

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Do you like puns?

Eric:

Yeah. I love puns. Okay. Today's discussion with people around me.

Connell Barrett:

Any puns that you know and like that comes to mind?

Eric:

Oh, yeah. Why does a cow have hooves? Why? Because they're lactose.

Connell Barrett:

I love it. I would love for you to use that as your go to icebreaker.

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Walk up to this woman and say, hey. Excuse me. I've got a question for you. And then do your pun.

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

You're trying to bring a smile to her face. Right?

Eric:

Okay. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

No. I'm asking.

Eric:

Oh.

Connell Barrett:

Do you see the value in bringing value to a woman? Yeah. I do. Yeah. Absolutely. So you could start with something like, hey. I got a bad joke for you, or I got a great pun for you, and then ask her the joke, or do a knock knock joke, or here's a way to bring value. I'm just giving you options. I'm not saying this fits you entirely, but do you, have you ever karaoke?

Eric:

Yeah. I do. Well Okay. I mean, I've only been to karaoke once, but I like singing. So I'd like to.

Connell Barrett:

What are 2 or 3 of your favorite songs that you like to sing whether in the shower or just because you're got the top, got the windows down driving and listening to your favorite couple songs?

Eric:

Probably like Take On Me or like Come On Eileen or like Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Gotcha. So here's another way you could break the ice with that woman. You could walk up to her and you could say you could you could literally start singing the first two lines of come on Eileen or take on me.

Eric:

Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

I'm not saying it's normal, I'm not saying it's usual to do that, I'm saying it's gonna make you stand out, and you're trying to bring the party to her. Because a woman at a club, she's at a club. This was a club, and it was also a Thursday dating event.

Eric:

Mhmm. Was

Connell Barrett:

Is it both? Okay. Regardless of whether or not it's a dating app event, if a woman's at a bar at a club, she is not out to, just hand her phone number out to anybody. You have to earn it.

Eric:

Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Right? You have to give her something for it. Give her good emotions. Give her a laugh. Give her a smile. So I would love for you to just walk up and just walk up and say, hey, excuse me. I just wanna say something to you. Take on me, and just listen to the song. Feels weird and goofy, doesn't it?

Eric:

Yeah, it does.

Connell Barrett:

Does it also seem like it might be fun and silly? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Eric:

By the

Connell Barrett:

Anyway, I'm not saying the secret to approaching women is always to start with a karaoke opener, but, this brings me to this quick story from many years ago. One of my very first clients ever, a guy named Ken, you might remember this, this is a story I have in the introduction of my book. And I went out with Ken. Ken is kind of a nerd assistant professor at a college, on the East Coast, and he just was struggling to approach. He had really bad approaching anxiety. And he's one of my first clients ever, and we were at this bar called the Brass Monkey in New York City. We looked around and I said, what girl here is totally your type? And he pointed to a really pretty girl, also a blonde if I recall. And I said, great.

Connell Barrett:

What's your favorite karaoke song? He said, oh Purple Rain, Prince. And I said there you go, there's your opener, walk over to her and sing the first two lines of Purple Rain and commit to it. You can't go up half hearted and go Purple Rain. I said you gotta commit to it. So he walks over to her and he taps her on the shoulder and she turns and he points his finger out like Tom Cruise in Top Gun, there's a famous scene in Top Gun where Tom Cruise serenades Kelly McGillis. Anyway, Ken taps this girl on the shoulder and he just really goes for it. He says, I never meant to cause you any sorrow. Oh, yeah. I never meant to cause you any pain.

Connell Barrett:

And he really commits to the song. And not only does she start laughing and smiling, but she starts singing with him. They do an instant acapella duet of Purple Rain. And all of a sudden he's talking to this really cute girl and all he had to do was walk up and really commit to an approach that offers value, bring something to the table. So I'm not saying you have to sing to women. Okay? Don't feel like that's what you always have to do, but think of this through the lens of how can I bring value? How can I make her smile, crack a joke, make an observation that you think is interesting, ask her a question that might be a little bit more emotionally compelling than is this your first time here, and then just get present in the moment and see what happens from there?

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Questions? Comments?

Eric:

I've had a few stirring. Any other, like, good ones besides, like, singing or, like, telling jokes to you?

Connell Barrett:

Like, openers?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or just, like, types of openers. The ones that bring value. I guess I'm just

Connell Barrett:

Sure. Oh, there's lots of ways to bring value. I like to challenge women. I like to say something like, oh, hey. I just saw you, and you look like you might be trouble. Or I got this from one of my old coaches. I always liked it. I would walk up and say, you look like you're not boring.

Connell Barrett:

Now what does that tell a woman when you walk up to say, hey. You look like you're not boring. What is the subtext there that you think she might feel?

Eric:

That other women are boring.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. And what does it say about you that you are telling a woman talking to you because you're not boring?

Eric:

That I'm fun or that I think other women are boring.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. That too. What I was going for is it creates a context, an expectation of I'm not here, milady, to entertain you and to jump through your hoops. I want you to jump through my hoops, or at least I wanna see if you're as fun as I think you are. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. In every social interaction, in this case we're obviously talking about a man and a woman at a bar, he's approached her. In every interaction there's one person who is looking to buy more than sell, and there's another person who's looking to sell more than buy.

Connell Barrett:

Do you remember the buyer seller dynamic from my book? Yeah. Yeah. What can you tell me to remind me what it is just so we make sure we're on the same page? I mean,

Eric:

I can't remember the language of that from your book, but it is something I've heard before. Just the idea that one of the one person is reaching out there and and the other person is, like, one person is extending more than the other, basically.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Exactly. And when you walk up to a woman and you're either you say or the vibe is, oh, hey. I just came up to you and I wanna date you. Alright. Who's selling themselves? You or her?

Eric:

Her? No. Oh, my bad. Oh, who's selling themselves? Sorry.

Connell Barrett:

Who's who's who wants something?

Eric:

I do.

Connell Barrett:

Right. I know you didn't say I'm here for a date with you, but you did say your most honest answer. The wonder woman's true answer would be, I wanna date you. And I appreciate the honesty. However, what I want a woman to feel is that you are approaching her because she's attractive. Mhmm. You don't wanna ask her out until you find out she meets your standards.

Eric:

Mhmm.

Connell Barrett:

Does that make sense?

Eric:

Yeah. It does.

Connell Barrett:

Because if you walk up and say, hey, I just saw you, and I wanna date you, why the hell would she say yes to that? She doesn't know you?

Eric:

Yeah. She doesn't know

Connell Barrett:

what you bring to the table. And also, and don't get me wrong, I'm not yelling at you, I did this many times.

Eric:

On another day.

Connell Barrett:

But we want here's the perfect vibe when you approach, and not perfect but a great vibe. The vibe is hey I came up to you because you're hot, but I want to see what else you got. In other words I want to see if you meet my standards. And it's very rare for a man to walk up and do that, most men walk up and they're kind of they've got their hand out, so to speak, looking for a handout. Hey, here's my handout. Please give me your number. Please give me a date. So even though you want a date with her, I would suggest to you, well, you wanna only ask her out or at least project this feeling for her that you only want to date when you realize that she meets your standards and you find out she's actually cool, she's actually interesting.

Eric:

I see what you're saying. Yeah. I guess it puts the owner in it , it takes the pressure off of me, and, like, it kinda makes him more even in a sense.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. One of my old coaches used to say, I'm kinda paraphrasing him, that a beautiful woman in a club in a bar, she's like a millionaire, and all these men coming up to her are like poppers with their hand out. And so when you walk up to an attractive woman and you're just like, let me find something to ask her about just so I can get a hand out. Maybe I'll get a phone number, maybe I'll get a date. That's understandable, it's very human. She's beautiful, you would love to date her if she's a cool person, but a woman's not gonna go on a date with a pauper, she's gonna go on a date with a fellow millionaire. So you walk up and you bring value, you bring fun, you crack a joke, you sing a karaoke song, you say hey you look like you might be fun, or you might not be boring. You're letting her know I have options, I have confidence, and I'm not gonna date just anybody.

Connell Barrett:

Now you might not actually feel that way about your dating life, because this is our very first ever coaching call, and we're still getting you getting that confidence, that sense of your self worth. Yeah. But we still wanna project that to a woman if we can. Okay. Yeah. Because I'll be honest with you, the thing you say, this won't be the advice you maybe want to hear, but it's the truth. What you say doesn't matter all that much. What matters is that you're saying it from that higher self confident I'm worthy place, really in touch with bringing a lot of value to her.

Connell Barrett:

So happy to give you all the openers in the world, I got all the openers in the world, I've used them, I've written a lot of them, but bottom line is a woman is gonna be drawn to you because you are a man of value and you have something to bring to her table.

Eric:

Yeah. I see. So much of the value that I feel like I can bring to the dating table is something that would be, like, for someone I've known for a long time, you know, like, emotional support or, like, just Mhmm. Link someone nice to hang out to. I guess it's just, like, opening and making that strong first impression is something that is hard for me. My goodness. Confident in the other stuff I mentioned.

Connell Barrett:

Right. So you're confident in the relationship based, value that you're offering.

Eric:

Yeah. Absolutely.

Connell Barrett:

Great. That's fantastic. That's important. So important because women want a man who's kind, who's supportive, who is there for her. Absolutely. That's not what's gonna work in the club.

Eric:

Right. Of course. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

I know you know that. So we want, for lack of a better term, some pretty good I don't. I don't use this term often, but some good games. Yeah. To project that sense of worth, value, having fun and that's why I come back to this idea of bringing value of saying and doing things that bring more fun to her than she was having or more interesting conversation or funnier conversation, or silliness than she was having before. That's all you have to do. If you're bringing her more social enjoyment than she was having before you came up to her, she'll want you to stay. Even if your line wasn't amazing, or it doesn't always have to be amazing. So yeah, the emotional support you'll bring, that's fantastic, but that's more, that's going to come out on the date or eventually end the relationship.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. You want to bring a lot of certainty with an approach, fun, flirtatiousness. Have you ever walked up to a woman and said something very kind of a direct flirtatious approach?

Eric:

No. I've wanted, I've wanted to since I read your book, I wanted to be like, hey. You looked really pretty, and I wanted to talk to you. Like,

Connell Barrett:

I like that. Let's go back to the idea of being truthful because I started that conversation thread hoping to get to something that could be valuable for you. So we don't wanna start with, hey, I wanna date you. Even though that's honest. But there's other ways to use honesty. Here's a quick story. Tell me if this resonates with you. One of the very first nights I ever went out approaching, I was with my wingman, this is on a rooftop bar in New York City 15 years ago, exactly 15 years ago.

Connell Barrett:

And we looked around the bar and he said, Hey, who is your type here? Who's really your type? And I saw this girl in a silver dress, brown hair. You never close

Connell Barrett:

your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips. There's no tenderness

Connell Barrett:

like

Connell Barrett:

before in your fingertips. You're trying hard not to show it, baby. But, baby, believing, I know it. You've lost love and fear.

Connell Barrett:

She looked like the actress from the movie Flashdance before your time, but a woman named Jennifer Beals from a famous eighties movie called Flashdance. And I was like oh man she's my type. And then he asked me, so what's he asked me? What's the most honest truth that you're feeling? And I said that I'm super nervous but you're my type and I would love to meet you. And he said great, there's your opening line. And I walked over to her and I said exactly that. I said, hey, I just saw you, I'm actually pretty shy, I never do this but you're totally my type and I wanted to meet you. Wonder Woman rope of truth, that's the truthful thing I was feeling. And she looked at me, Eric, and she cocked her head a little bit and smiled, and she said, oh yeah right, you're real shy.

Connell Barrett:

But she was smiling when she said it, and she put her hand out and said, hi I'm Amy. So she liked it. And that was a big moment for me because I realized that when I said exactly what I was thinking and feeling, or something pretty close to it, when I led with vulnerability and authenticity as opposed to some overly planned line, that that realness really carried the day and actually made projected a sense of a vibe of confidence. You struggle with dating. Right? Sure. You have a good job and cool friends, but you just aren't sure how to flirt, the apps don't work for you, and sometimes women put you in the friend zone. It's frustrating. Hey.

Connell Barrett:

I struggle with dating too. As an introvert and a total nerd, I didn't just live in the friend zone. I owned real estate there, but I escaped using the dating philosophy of radical authenticity, which I've used to help thousands of men in 17 countries find love. It's what I wrote about in my best selling book, Dating Sucks, But You Don't. And radical authenticity is why Psychology Today called me the best dating coach in America. And now I wanna personally help you attract your dream girlfriend. So go to datingtransformation.com and book a free call with me. On our call, I'll tell you how my 1 on 1 coaching will help you find your dream girlfriend, and you'll be doing it by flirting with confidence and authenticity.

Connell Barrett:

No creepy pickup tricks needed. So go to dating transformation.com, book a free call today, and let my personalized coaching help you get a great girlfriend. That actually made this woman think it was a line. She actually thought it was a planned line. Like, oh, he's using that all night. It was completely genuine. But because it was genuine, she could make me just kinda own it. And she liked it.

Connell Barrett:

And all of a sudden, I'm talking to this beautiful woman who looked like my Flashdance crush, and I got her number. So, anyway, when in doubt, I would avoid purely informational questions, like, hey. How's your night? Is this your first time here? And I would avoid openers that are asking for something right away. Like, hey, I just saw you and I want your number. I would lead with vulnerability. So one last question about her, and we'll move on to a different topic, but if you can go back in time and say something kinda genuine and vulnerable, but that's not asking her for a date right away, what might that have been?

Eric:

I mean, I usually start with, like, saying, like, hey. I like your dress or something like that. But that that also feels kind of I've also had trouble with that or, like, you

Connell Barrett:

I guess I want to get something more personal about her.

Eric:

I see.

Connell Barrett:

Like, I said to her, oh my god. You're totally my type. I feel nervous, but you're my type and I wanted to meet you. So I'm telling her that something about her is pulling me toward her. Here's another example of me doing this. I was at a Barnes and Noble once, and I saw this beautiful woman, and what I noticed about her were her cheekbones. She had these beautiful cheekbones. And I usually don't approach with a physical compliment because that can make some women feel objectified, but it wasn't her tits, it wasn't her ass, it was her face.

Connell Barrett:

They're classier. So I said, Hey, I saw your cheekbones from over there, those books, and they drew me in like tractor beams. It just came out of the moment. And her face lit up. She's like, Oh really? Like tractor beams? And I said, Yeah. And then she and I were having glasses of wine on my rooftop that night or one night later. So again, one last little thought here. What's a more honest kind of emotion based thing you could confess to her as the reason you were talking to her? What is a a g rated confession you could make about her? A compliment, something vulnerable, something more real that's not about her dress.

Eric:

Oh, man. I don't know. This is not my forte.

Connell Barrett:

That's why we're doing coaching. Exactly. Forte. Tell the truth. I mean, tell the hypothetical truth in the situation. What's something honest you were feeling about her?

Eric:

That she has lovely hair.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. You noticed her hair?

Eric:

Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Boom. Hey. I just saw you, and I love your hair. You have lovely hair. Can you amp it up, that's g rated. Can you amp it up one level to PG?

Eric:

No. They're the same in my mind.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. I'm not trying to get you to be vulgar or sexual. I just mean, you know, you're at a bar. It's a dating app, social context. You can put some masculine romantic sexuality out there as long as it's not vulgar. You could walk out, you could walk up and say something like, did you find her sexy?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

How about that? Hey. I just saw you. You're very sexy. Hi. I'm Eric. How would that have felt, do you think?

Eric:

It would feel like I've grown up to feel like saying that is objectifying.

Connell Barrett:

So Really? Okay. I think that you have understandably fallen into a common trap that a lot of men fall into, which is, oh, it's wrong to let a woman know you find her attractive. It's wrong to be sex , it can be too much too soon. If you walked, I would not say go up to her and say, oh my god, your tits are amazing. Can't take my eyes off your ass. That's objectification. However, to call a woman sexy have you ever walked up to a woman and called her sexy?

Eric:

No.

Connell Barrett:

Only one way to find out what would happen then. Right?

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Then I had a great coach named Anthony Rasanello, by the way. He's a great guy. If you're looking for a kick ass dating coach besides me, Anthony Rasanello is one of the best. He coached me 15 or so years ago. And one of the exercises he gave me was we went out to a rooftop bar and he said, Connell, you've got to get comfortable telling women they're sexy. You're a man. They're women. They're out at a bar.

Connell Barrett:

What's wrong with that? What's healthier than that? And I was like, I don't know, man. Isn't that creepy? Isn't that weird? He's like, just try it. The first 3 or 4 times I did it, I was very timid. I was nervous and in my head about it. Hey, excuse me, miss. You're really sexy. Didn't go that well, not because I was doing something creepy, but because I didn't commit to it.

Eric:

You didn't own it, yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Exactly. I did not own it, she owned it. Or I didn't own it. I rented it. Yeah. And then I got comfortable, or at least more comfortable. 4 or 5 approaches in, all of a sudden it felt really good. And I remember I remember 2 women were standing at this rooftop bar called the Plunge Bar at Gansevoort Hotel, and I walked up and one of them really caught my eye and I said, hey, you're sexy.

Connell Barrett:

She's like, really? I like ginger. You're cute. Boom. It was so on. So putting that's an authentic, genuine, real card I was playing. I really meant it. I found her sexy. And it was a great important night showing me the power of putting that real self out there.

Eric:

Okay. By

Connell Barrett:

By the way, don't get me wrong. It's gonna be polarizing. If you go up to a woman and say you're sexy, you're gonna get a big thumbs up, like I did from that last example, or you're gonna get a big thumbs down. That might be too much for some women. You wanna pre accept that a direct open is gonna be polarizing by nature, but but, hey. Sometimes a man's job is to take some courageous action and let the chips fall.

Eric:

Right. Would I stand out in a bad way if I did that? Like, I don't know. If I did that to a few women in a bar, do you think, like, they'd be like, oh, don't talk to that guy. He's just making weird advances. I don't know. Are

Connell Barrett:

you are you a are you a bad guy? No. Then what do you care about? Are you worried you are gonna go through your life worried about what other people think of you?

Eric:

I already do. But I just mean, like You

Connell Barrett:

gotta change that.

Eric:

Yeah. I just mean, like, would it affect my ability to hold the conversations later on in the night, I guess?

Connell Barrett:

I don't follow your question. Wait. I don't know.

Eric:

Like, if I get, like, a reputation in the bar for advancing too much, I wonder if it would throw people off.

Connell Barrett:

So you spend a lot of time on this call, and I understand this is not me yelling at you. This is me pointing something out that I used to do as well. You spend a lot of time focusing on what you're afraid of.

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Spend a lot of time focusing on what you're trying to avoid. And that's okay, to a point. We don't want to make social gaps in life. By the way this means you're normal. It means you're socially and psychologically healthy. You don't want people to think you're creepy. Yeah. You don't want a bad reputation, right? This means you're normal and healthy.

Connell Barrett:

Congratulations.

Eric:

Thank god.

Connell Barrett:

You know who doesn't worry about this stuff? Psychopaths. Sociopaths who don't worry about other people. People who God forbid have mental problems on the street. So it's actually a sign of your good mental health that you're focused on having a good reputation and wanting to fit in with society. However, if you overdo this, then you get so focused on what you're trying to avoid. Don't do this, don't do that, don't make waves, walk on eggshells, that you're never gonna go talk to a woman. You're never gonna take a risk, or at least it's gonna be really hard to. So I'm here to give you a little hopefully some freedom to say you're a man, you're young, you're attractive, you're a student of biology, you're a graduate student, you're intelligent, you have so much to offer, there's nothing wrong with walking up to attractive women in social situations and seeing if there's chemistry, seeing if there's a spark.

Connell Barrett:

By the way, I'm not saying you need to walk up to women and only say you're sexy. That's not the magic bullet, but I want you to have that bullet in your 6 shooter.

Eric:

Mhmm. Yeah. I understand.

Connell Barrett:

No. Totally. By the way, it's good. It's healthy to think about your reputation and not wanna come off as, you know, some weird, creepy guy who's macking on all the women. Right?

Eric:

Yeah. Exactly.

Connell Barrett:

That's a good thing to make sure you're not doing, but we don't wanna overly take that. Take a couple of those aspirin, don't take the whole bottle. Yeah. Do you remember this story from my book? It kind of gets to the point I'm trying to make. By the way, my approach is not sexy. That story about Anthony taking me out, that was just an exercise where I went out one night to focus on something that was holding me back. I'm gonna suggest you be a bit more conversational and indirect with most approaches until you have a lot of confidence, so that you don't have to worry about being that guy who's walking around saying you're sexy. However, here's a quick story.

Connell Barrett:

Same friend, I had this wingman, we would go out, we would give each other missions to do when I first started approaching women. This is in the late 2000s, late 00s. And we were at another rooftop bar, and he said, there was a table with a cute brunette, a cute blonde, and a big muscular guy sitting at the table, and there was one open seat, and he said go over there, approach them. And I'm like, are you crazy? That big guy is probably gonna kick my ass. Plus I'm bothering them, I'm going over bothering them sitting at their table. He likes to do it, because we made a deal, we had to do what the other person said, and it was my turn to do what he said. So I walked over, I pulled up a seat, and I sat down and mustered all the commitment I could, I said hey guys, you look friendly. I just wanted to come over and say hi.

Connell Barrett:

And I sat down. And the brunette, short brunette, leaned forward, her eyes got really big, she leaned forward, and she said, oh my god, you just came right over here and sat down and talked to us. Do you know what you are? And I thought to myself, a creep who's about to get his ass kicked by your boyfriend, maybe? But I kept my cool, and I said, I don't know. What do you mean? What am I? She said, you're normal. Thank you for just coming over here and talking to us. And then she pointed to a different guy at a different table, and she said, see that guy over there in the black shirt? A fellow ginger, by the way, so I could totally relate to him. She said, see that guy over there? He's been staring at us all night and it's creeping us out. And I got her number, by the way.

Connell Barrett:

Oh by the way, the big muscular guy, he was neither of their boyfriends, just a dude who knew them. He was friendly and cool. No issues. And I'd actually got the brunettes' phone number, and I walked home that night thinking, oh my god, what a moment. Some guys think that it's a little creepy and weird to be walking around talking to women. Okay. Maybe there's a little bit of truth in that. You don't need to approach 20 women, but I think what's creepier is being at a bar, seeing somebody you wanna talk to, and just staring at them and doing nothing.

Eric:

I do remember the story because I think about it, like because I try not to stare as much because of that story. Like, if, like, if I'm not gonna approach them, then I just, like, I make sure I do something else. Or I approach them or it gives me the guts to approach them.

Connell Barrett:

Good. Well, the lesson isn't just don't stare. The lesson is to go up and talk.

Eric:

Yeah. Or

Connell Barrett:

or if you're not going to approach them, fine. Don't stare at them and hang out with your friends. But obviously we want you to be talking to women often, and knowing that it's more normal to go do it. You know, they call it a bar, they call it a pub, you know you know where the term pub comes from, it's where the public comes out to socialize. Yeah. If people didn't wanna be talked to, they would stay home and drink alone like I used to do. Yeah.

Eric:

That's oh, that's true.

Connell Barrett:

Well, it's so simple. Yeah. Not easy, but it's simple. And you're probably naturally introverted, I would assume. Right?

Eric:

Yeah. I am. I have yeah. I'm kind of in the middle. I like to say hi to people, but, like, you know, I don't with my friends and stuff. I try to, like it's only when, like, I know someone that I try to, like, encourage, like, gatherings and stuff like that. I'll make plans. You know? I think I think, again, it goes down to, like, I'm good at I'd be good at things down the line if I were to, like, to date someone, but it's just, like, starting out is so hard.

Connell Barrett:

Starting out?

Eric:

Starting out just like meeting someone is hard, but, like

Connell Barrett:

You mean approaching at, approaching at a venue?

Eric:

Yes. Exactly. Make that first impression.

Connell Barrett:

How so go back to this evening if you don't mind me asking. Or if you wanna choose a different night out, you can. But whether it's that night or a different night, like, how many women do you typically talk to on a given night, if any?

Eric:

I don't keep count, but maybe, like, 6 to 8 that I show up each.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. That's great. That's a great number.

Eric:

Thanks. But

Connell Barrett:

You said it's hard to start. But once you start, do you feel like you get some momentum?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to think. I have to, like my friend has said, that it's like that, analogy wise, it's like rolling tape. Right? Because once you get, like, once you get that part of the tape where you can pull off, then it's a lot easier.

Connell Barrett:

Nice. I like that analogy. I like to think of it as swimming. I swim laps. Have you ever been much of a swimmer?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah. I've been trying to go more often.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. So you know how, when you get into the pool, start swimming, the water's pretty cold? Yeah. Then it feels warmer. A while back I was swimming a few months ago, and I remember so I got in my swimming pool where I go swimming most mornings. And, you know, the water's really cold. I started swimming. I'm doing my thing. And about 5 minutes later, my phone, which I had left a few feet away on a chair near the pool, went off.

Connell Barrett:

I had forgotten to turn my alarm off. So I was like, oh, damn it. My alarm went off. I had to get out of the pool. I get out of the pool, I turn my alarm off. Then I get back into the pool, and as I slide back into the pool, all of a sudden the water now feels like bath water. It was so warm. 5 minutes earlier, it was so cold, but the water now felt 20 degrees warmer.

Connell Barrett:

Of course, it wasn't. The water was the exact same temperature. The only thing that changed was my body's relationship to the water. It was warm. Because I met my blood was pumping. I was moving. I was taking action. I was getting momentum.

Connell Barrett:

Same with approaching. I would just say pre accept the likelihood that that first approach of the night, first one or maybe 2, are gonna be not perfect. The water's gonna be cold. You just do them. You start swimming. And then what you should find is 3, 4, or 5 approaches in, the water feels a lot warmer and it's so much easier to go talk to women.

Eric:

Okay. I'll keep that in mind.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Just pre accept. You know, it's gonna be cold at first. It's okay. That's just approaching. I don't even count the first one or 2. I don't like, I don't mean, I count them. I don't judge myself if they don't go well.

Connell Barrett:

I'm not I think of them just as warm up approaches.

Eric:

Okay. One of

Connell Barrett:

the other things you wanted to talk about, and this is sort of a related topic, it is how to keep the conversation going.

Eric:

Yeah. Right?

Connell Barrett:

How long are your conversations typically? Sorry. When they hook, when a girl does talk to you, how long do the conversations last? When do you tend to get stuck? Because I wanna help you get unstuck.

Connell Barrett:

I

Eric:

I don't know. I think the most I get stuck is near the beginning when it's like when it's like those, those basic questions. You know? Like, the one Okay. Like, oh, what do you do? That type of thing. I think maybe I'm too stuck in terms of, like and this is something that goes with me, with my social, just just being friends with someone as well, you know, like, just as starting out. Okay. I don't have a consistent way to get out of that loop of, like, what do you do for work? What do you do for fun? That's that type of thing.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. How about this? Let me give you a little three step process to try on the next time you go out try out the next night you go out. See how this feels to you in theory. And if you wanna do it, then go do

Eric:

1. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

I like to approach this way. We've been talking about direct approach, but actually if I had to only choose one way to approach women the rest of my life, I would go indirect. I would not start with something sexual, or hey, you're sexy. I would go with something more conversational or observational. And here are my three options. I'm gonna give you multiple choice. So let you always know what to say without planning what to say. This will make it more spontaneous.

Connell Barrett:

Okay?

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

So think of there as being multiple choice. A, b, and c. You see a woman, and the first thing you can look at is, what do I notice about her? What is something specific I can compliment her on? Like your example with the woman with the pretty blonde hair. You like her hair. Mhmm. Boom. Hey, excuse me, I just saw you, I love your hair. Your hair looks fantastic tonight.

Connell Barrett:

That's a great opener. It's not super flirty, but it starts the conversation. Mhmm. So option A is a specific, sincere compliment that's not just about her body. Okay? Option b is a question that makes sense in the environment. Such as and actually the one you did would totally qualify. Hey. Is this your first night, going to the Thursday event? Not saying it's the most amazing thing ever, but, hey.

Connell Barrett:

It's a starter. Starting point.

Eric:

Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

So you can ask a question that makes sense in the environment. Ask her what she's drinking, what's in what she and her friends are celebrating that night. Lots of questions that make sense. That's option 2, option B. And option c is to make an observation, notice something a little bit unusual, and call out that unusual thing, even if it's really subtle. Now option c won't always present itself, but let's say, I don't know, let's say you observe a woman if I was at a bar once, and these 2 women were doing yoga poses in the middle of the bar. A little bit unusual, not used to seeing that at the barre. So I observed that, and I walked up and I said, oh, hey.

Connell Barrett:

I didn't know they were teaching yoga classes here at blah blah blah club. So I just observed something unusual and I called it out. So again recap, 3 options. Compliment a specific compliment you can offer her, a question that makes sense in the environment that you're relatively genuinely curious about. You want to try to make it genuine. And option c would be an observation of something a little bit unusual, and you call out that unusual thing. Does that all make sense so far? Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Cool. Let's think of a different woman. Let's think back to a woman you would have liked to approach, but didn't. Or maybe you did, but it didn't go very well. Let's leave the blonde example and use a different example. Can you paint a picture for me of another scenario?

Eric:

Yeah. There was a woman, that same night where I approached, I said, like, you know, like, hey. I like your tattoos. And she was like, oh, thank you. And I said, like, hi. I'm so and so. And she's like, hi. I'm so and so back.

Eric:

And I was like

Connell Barrett:

Great. Great. Let me jump in. Awesome example. Here's the correction I would make. When you went with option a, the compliment. Right? Mhmm. When you give her a compliment, tell her why you like that thing.

Connell Barrett:

Why did you like that tattoo? What was it about the art, the ink, the design? Give her a deeper compliment. It'll be more impactful, and it'll give you more to talk about and explore. So for example, do you have any tattoos on you? But you, I'm asking you Eric, do you have any tattoos? No, I don't. You're not a tattoo guy? Okay. No worries. Are you ready to do a little role play with me? Yeah. Okay. You're going to play the part of a beautiful girl named Erica.

Eric:

Okay? Right, of course.

Connell Barrett:

Erica, you are Erica, not Eric. And tell me just between you and me, Eric, and Connell right now before we do the role play, what, what's your tattoo? What kind of design is it? We're gonna do a little improv, a little

Eric:

acting. It's just like a tattoo of, like, maybe like a blob. It's like a monster. It's kinda like a ghost, I guess.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Alright. Okay. In a second, I'm gonna approach you the way I would at a bar with a woman, I notice, who has that tattoo, and play the part of Erica, and just make up whatever the truth might be, even though I know you don't know the answer. We'll do a little bit of improv acting. Are you game? Yeah. Cool, let's do it. Oh hey, excuse me miss.

Connell Barrett:

Hello. Hi. Hi. I just saw that really cool, interesting tattoo on your arm, and I had to compliment it. I've never seen a blob like that as a tattoo.

Eric:

Oh, thank you. I got it after I saw this band in concert. Thank you so much.

Connell Barrett:

It kind of looks like it looks a little bit like the ghosts in the Pac Man video game that Pac Man devours. It kinda looked like a Pac Man ghost blob at first. I thought that's what it was.

Eric:

That's a pretty funny, pretty funny reference. I didn't really think about that.

Connell Barrett:

Well, I'm a lot older than you. I remember Pac Man.

Eric:

Oh, you were there when I came out?

Connell Barrett:

I actually invented Pac Man in 1982. Yeah.

Eric:

Wow.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. I'm a Pac. I'm the inventor of Pac Man.

Eric:

I'm honored to meet you, though.

Connell Barrett:

You should be. You should be. Do you have any little pellets? I'd really like to eat some pellets. I don't know if you have any on you. Some pellets. Like Pac Man?

Eric:

Oh, no. I don't. But I'm sorry.

Connell Barrett:

My jokes were a little outdated. I'm a little bit older than you. Oh, by the way, hi. I should have said hello. My name is Connell. What's your name?

Eric:

I'm Erica.

Connell Barrett:

Erica. Nice to meet you, Erica. I'm curious. What's the story behind your name? Is Erica a family name? Where does Erica come from?

Eric:

I haven't really asked, to be honest.

Connell Barrett:

You don't know the source of your own name?

Eric:

I mean, you didn't, I mean, not really. It's a common name. It's not really something that I've asked.

Connell Barrett:

You do know your name, though. Right?

Eric:

Yeah. Of course, I do.

Connell Barrett:

I've never met a woman who didn't know how she was named. I was actually named this as a true story, by the way. I was named the youngest of 6. I'm the baby. Actually, miracle baby, my mom called me. So you can call me miracle for short, if you want to. And I was named after my mom and dad were in a bar, and they had run out of names that they wanted to name their kids because they already had 5. And my dad threw a dart at a map of Ireland and then landed on Connell County or McConnell County or something, and that's how I was named.

Eric:

Not Mick, just just Connell?

Connell Barrett:

Well my name is Connell, but the dart landed on like, Connell County or McConnell County or something like that.

Eric:

Connell? Okay. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

No. My dad

Eric:

took off the Mick.

Connell Barrett:

Exactly, yeah. My dad took off the Mick. He just made me Connell. You have a good sense of humor. I like that I like that about you. Okay. And we'll stop there. Okay.

Connell Barrett:

How did that feel? Tell me any response you had to anything I was doing as me as

Eric:

calling you as Eric. I looked at your ad lib stuff about inventing Pac Man and and, I mean, our brains are wired to, like, stories, so the story about your name is also this is also something good that I should

Connell Barrett:

Okay.

Eric:

Just keep in mind. You know?

Connell Barrett:

Good observation. I wasn't even thinking about that while I was doing it, but that's a great observation. We like stories. We like specifics. Did you notice how I combined certain questions that I asked you, but I also offered things myself, like the dart story?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

I shared about myself and didn't just ask you questions. Did you notice that?

Eric:

Yeah. I did. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. There's give and take. And one of the things I noticed in that very first anecdote you told me about walking up to the woman on Thursday, in the anecdote you shared, you basically asked her 4 or 5 straight questions, and you didn't ask or you didn't offer anything, at least not in your retelling of it.

Eric:

Yeah. No. No. No. That sounds about right. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

And part of the way we offer value to women is we don't only ask them questions, but we also offer opinions, jokes, information, or in this case, a true story, a vulnerable real story about my parents and how I was named. And that's a way to give value. And did you notice how I teased you, Erica?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not knowing my name. Right. Right.

Connell Barrett:

I just yeah. That came out of the moment. And so that's how I'm hopefully bringing a fun, light, playful interaction. Did that feel, did it feel if you had to say, oh, that felt more, like, logical and informational or more light and playful, if those were the 2 categories, which I mean,

Eric:

It felt spontaneous. So, I mean

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Spontaneous for sure. Did it feel, like, serious? Did it feel informational? Did it feel light, fun?

Eric:

It felt somewhat light, yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Great. That's what I was going for. And that's another way we bring value. Women don't go out to the club and the bar to have logical conversations or to be interrogated. They go to have fun. Cindy Lauper was right. Girls just wanna have fun.

Connell Barrett:

Boy, I'm really dating myself with Pac Man references and Cindy Lauper.

Eric:

My heart's okay.

Connell Barrett:

Don't fast forward. This is not an ad. It's a free thing that's gonna help you flirt with confidence because I'll bet that you struggle with what to say to women and how to flirt. Right? Well, let's fix that. I'm gonna give you what I call the flirty 30. These are 30 flirty questions to ask women on the apps or on dates or when you approach so that you can confidently connect with cool sexy women starting today. It's time to stop running out of things to say and start asking them flirty questions that are gonna make them want to date you. So to get your copy of the flirty thirty, it's totally free.

Connell Barrett:

Just go to dating transformation.com/flirty30. And that's flirty30. Datingtransformation.com/flirty30. You're about to start confidently flirting with women, going on dates, and soon getting a great girlfriend. Go get your flirty 30. Thanks for doing that. That was fun for me anyway. I hope you enjoyed being Erica.

Eric:

Yeah. I've never role played as a cop before.

Connell Barrett:

Did you get in touch with your feminine side there?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah. I did.

Connell Barrett:

So back to the little 3 step tip I wanted to give you. The framework was I complimented the tattoo and so the first step is compliment plus tell her why you like it. Don't just say, oh, I like your tattoo. I said, oh, I like your tattoo because it makes me think of Pac man, or because I like that the blob is unusual. I've never seen a blob tattoo. Right? So that will make a compliment land and help you talk about that compliment, or talk about the topic.

Eric:

Mhmm. Okay?

Connell Barrett:

So step 1 is you give the compliment and you tell her why, and then you talk about that compliment and think about that first topic, the opener, as a conversation thread. And you let that conversation go for as long as it organically will be threaded, which in our case was about how long did we talk about your Pac Man tattoo, maybe 60 seconds or so? 90 seconds?

Eric:

Yeah, like 60 seconds.

Connell Barrett:

About a minute? That's about right. So step 1 is compliment and let that conversation thread go for about as long as it goes, which might be a minute or so, 30, 60 seconds maybe. There's only so much we can talk about tattoos maybe, probably a limit on that.

Eric:

Yeah, for sure.

Connell Barrett:

And so the conversation runs out, do you remember, here's a pop quiz Eric, do you remember what I said to you as Erica? What I after we stopped talking about the tattoo, do you remember what I next said to you? It's really important.

Eric:

Eric, then it was Pac Man, then it was, the eighties, then it was I forget how we jumped from the eighties to your name.

Connell Barrett:

Oh, well, there you go. Basically, after the tattoo conversation thread ended, I said to you, oh, by the way, my name is Connell. What's your name? So step 2 is after that conversation thread of that opening compliment or the opening topic runs out, then you simply say, introduce yourself. Oh, hey. I'm Eric. What's your name? And she'll say her name. The reason we do this is for two reasons. 1 if you've run out of conversation threads for the tattoo.

Connell Barrett:

You gotta talk about something. Right? What better thing than her name and your name? Everyone's favorite word in the English language is their name, their first name. Pretty much. So. Pretty much. I mean, if somebody says your name and you go, what what, who, me? I'm Eric. What?

Eric:

Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

It has resonance. Right? So even if it's not literally her favorite word, it's still 2 people. So you go from a stranger who's approached her to 2 people who are now getting to know each other once you exchange names. So it makes it more personal.

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

It helps you get rapport, personal rapport. And because people are generally interested in themselves what I've found is that when I get a girl's name I'm like oh interesting name, if it's if it's an interesting name, which Erica is not that interesting, but I still asked her about it, people tend to love talking about themselves and talking about their name often is a really good thing to talk about. And then you can jump from her name and your name, if it's relevant, to talk about that, and then you can just jump to a second topic. Any literally any topic. In our case, we just jumped from each other's name to, I guess, Pac Man. Right? Or video games in the eighties?

Eric:

I think it went from the eighties to the names, actually.

Connell Barrett:

That's okay. It can be kind of messy. It can be sort of raw and random. That's fine. Women like raw random conversations because that's not logical, they want to play, they want something emotionally evocative. So anyway, here's a good kind of hopefully a simple recap breakdown. If you're not sure how to keep conversation going, just think open with a compliment or a question or an observation. Think of that as a conversation thread.

Connell Barrett:

Talk about it for as long as you can for a reason. And then when that conversation ends or that thread ends, then you say, hey, by the way, I'm Eric, what's your name? You'll get her name, and you can either talk about each other's names if you want to, or even if you just introduce each other, get names, now you're 2 people who know each other. So getting her name and giving her your name buys you more time. I guess that's what I'm trying to say, buys you more time. Because now you know each other, or at least you're getting to know each other, and she's going to be much more likely to keep talking to you because now she knows your name and you know hers. And then you switch from the name topic to a second topic. It could be anything, something that makes sense in the environment, or something you observe about her. And you can totally not be afraid to ask questions, it's okay to ask questions, I asked you some questions right as when you were playing Erica, but then I also shared thoughts about me, the story about how I was named, and I teased you a little bit too.

Connell Barrett:

And teasing is flirting. Teasing is flirting, so I teased you a little bit. That's me beginning to flirt with Erica.

Eric:

Right. I noticed. Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

I could have said something like because one of your things you wanted to talk about today was, oh, how do I flirt in a respectful way? Right? Charming, gentlemanly way? I could have kept going and I could have said, oh, no, you don't know your name? Oh, man. How could he be so cute yet so forgetful about your own name? Or so, you know, not well versed in your own name. I could have said you were cute, but something.

Eric:

That's a

Connell Barrett:

way to flirt. A little tease combined with a compliment.

Eric:

I see. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

I texted her this, but it's still the same concept. When I first matched with my now girlfriend, Jess, I texted her and she told me how much she liked this. There's even an episode of the pod where I interview her. Or we talked about each other and she said how much she liked it. Early on I said to her, you're either the weirdest girl I've met in a long time or the coolest. I'm just not sure which. So that's called a push pull. When you tease her a little bit with a little push, but you also compliment her, tell her something you like about her, that creates a, it's the right word, not paradox, but, dichotomy.

Connell Barrett:

2 things that don't normally go together can be enticing and create an emotional spike in a woman. So anyway I'm not saying you have to do a push pull but you could compliment her and or tease her, or do both which is called a push pull. So that's a way to flirt. Another way to flirt is just straight up, oh, here's my favorite. Can I give you my single favorite simplest easiest way to flirt in a very gentlemanly way that women love?

Eric:

Spell it. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

I'm sorry. We're out of time. No. Okay. Well, yeah. It's this, if you talk you're talking to her for a few minutes. Once you get into the conversation a little bit and you notice something about her personality, the inner her that you like, and you tell her that that internal thing is special or sexy. If you want to be a little bit bold, you can use the s word, you can say sexy or you can just say really special or really attractive or charming is a great word.

Connell Barrett:

You're very charming. Something finding x y z about her is very charming. I didn't get to talk to Erica here as long as I would have liked because we were doing a little role play. But let's say I found out that Erica is a grad student, and she's getting her PhD in biology. And she's a total nerd and really smart like an egg head and into higher learning. I might have said, no way. You're getting your PhD. You're gonna be a doctor or a scientist? That is so attractive.

Connell Barrett:

Damn. Smart, intelligent women, doctors, that is so sexy. I'm really drawn to a woman's intelligence. Pretty flirtatious, right?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Because it's not just about her body, I'm not objectifying her. I'm letting her know there's something about her I find sexy and attractive.

Eric:

Yeah. Of course. It's the inner quality. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Pointing out that inner beauty. What else you got for me, bro?

Eric:

I guess we can talk about, like, like, dating apps.

Connell Barrett:

Let's do it. What's not working or what problems are you running into? How can I help you?

Eric:

I guess,

Connell Barrett:

I

Eric:

I don't know. It's easy. What's not working with dating apps? I guess it's just the same thing that lots of guys complain about. It's just like, well, I'm not getting matches, that type of thing. Well, no. I mean, actually, no. Let me start with something else. In your experience, I just like I get too in my head when I'm texting someone.

Eric:

And, like, you know, it ties back to being, like, thinking about my fears too often, but it's, like, I think too much about the social faux pas of, like, double texting or maybe or maybe texting too long or maybe especially trying to find the right words to say. I just wonder, in your experience, if I'm putting too much weight on that.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. Definitely. I mean, without looking at any of your text messages yet to give you a little diagnosis, it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make your text messages a certain level of quality. Right? Yeah. Like, what? Trying to be funny? Trying to be whatever? You tell me. What are you trying to do with your text?

Eric:

I try to be funny. I try to, well, I guess another faux pas that I see online would be, like, you know, don't text her back immediately, you know, make it seem like you're busy. But, like

Connell Barrett:

Ignore that. Yeah.

Eric:

You know?

Connell Barrett:

Ignore that. Don't worry about double texting. Don't worry about waiting to respond. As long as you're doing something that we've already talked about, it's the v word, value. You don't have to worry about any of that stuff as long as your text messages are mostly giving her value. They're mostly seeking to make her smile. They're reasonably interesting, but also still authentic, still genuine. So there's a balance here.

Connell Barrett:

Right? You might be thinking, well, how can I offer value without being really funny, really witty, really amazing? Well, you don't have to be super witty, super amazing, super funny. You just want to think to yourself, what does she care about? What does she care about? What would make her smile or what's relatively interesting about my life that she might find interest in. And as long as you are bringing some value to the table by text, then you don't have to worry about double texting. Because if I sent you 2 really good messages in a row, or 3 in a row that made you smile or laugh, Eric, would you think oh man, Connell is so needy, he just sent me 3 straight messages. They were great, I'm enjoying them, but man, what a needy little bitch. Would you think that way about me?

Eric:

Yeah. Well, when you put it like that, I mean, I can see how it doesn't really matter that much.

Connell Barrett:

Right. So this could be a whole separate well, this will be a whole separate coaching session if you wanna dive into this on a separate night. But I assume you're talking about texting that occurs from online dating after you match with a woman. Yeah. Cool. So it starts with the foundation of a really good profile that has 4 or 5 photos that show you leading a cool, fun, authentic, but high value life. Basically you're the kind of guy she wants to

Eric:

date. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Good photos, some good personality. We get her really excited about you, and getting excited about dating you based in large part on a great profile, which I haven't looked at yours yet, so I don't know how good it is or isn't. But chances are pardon?

Eric:

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Connell Barrett:

No. Chances are there's definitely some room to improve it.

Eric:

I agree. Yeah. Before I, I think between setting this up and actually talking to you, I think I've, like, looked over my profile. I think I just don't have enough photos of me doing, like, just, like, creating that value, I guess. I don't have, like, photos of me that are, like, you know, traveling or participating in my hobbies and things like that. I get self conscious about smiling in photos, so it's kind of a difficult thing for me. I'm just trying to build it up slowly.

Connell Barrett:

Every photo on your profile should have a purpose. It should even though your photos are all about you, they're for her. Every photo is designed to help her feel something we want her to feel, to bring something of worth to her, such as, what is your I mean, I can't look at it right now because we're on the phone, but what is your first photo? Could you describe it to me?

Eric:

It's just, it's a photo of myself in the snow. I went to the Midwest last month. I just, it's just a photo of myself smiling if there's, like, snow. It's, like, actively snowing. You know? There's, like I guess it's just the idea that, like, whoever sees this is in California. So I guess it's just the idea that I like traveling.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. That could be a good photo. Really, it's really all in the execution and the quality of the photo has not been seen. Do you have any portraits that you took specifically for your profile taken by a good photographer or somebody who knows how to take a good photo?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah. A couple. Okay. Great.

Connell Barrett:

Have you tested them on photo feeler.com?

Eric:

What's it called?

Connell Barrett:

Photo feeler.com. It's a great website. Yep. Photo feeler.com.

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

It's a great place to test how good your portraits are. And you put a photo up on a photo feeler, pay a couple bucks, buy some credit. It's not that expensive. It costs a couple bucks, I think, to test a photo. And by test, I mean do a little focus group of women. And they rate your photo on a scale for online dating. They rate it on a scale of attractiveness, trustworthiness, and intelligence. And some really good feedback to find out how attractive your portraits are.

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Obviously, the higher the score, the better. And if you wanna throw some, putting a few photos on photo filler can give you some interesting feedback because women can not only give you the rating on 1 to 10 for these 3 categories, but they also have little comments. Okay. So I would throw your portraits on photo filler to see what your best scoring photos are. And whatever your best scoring couple of portraits are, chances are those photos are gonna be the ones that'll do the best for you on a dating app or at least it's a strong indicator. Yeah. My highest ranking photo filler photos are the ones that get me the most matches on my profile.

Eric:

I see. I didn't

Connell Barrett:

And I've tested some photos on PhotoFeeler, and they didn't do that well. And I was like, oh, that's good to know. I don't wanna put that on my hinge because I don't want it to tank.

Eric:

Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

So definitely check out a couple of PhotoFeeler tests. It's really helpful. And this is not sponsored by photo filler. I just think it's a great website.

Eric:

Okay. I'll look into it.

Connell Barrett:

Oh, but back to the larger point that I was hoping to take some of the pressure off of your texting. Here's my vision for you for online dating. We get a kick ass profile of you. 4 or 5 great photos that score well that women want to swipe on and some nice prompts. The personality is coming out. The best, coolest, smartest, funniest Eric is just jumping off the page. That gets women who match with you excited about you, more quote unquote invested. And then guess what? Your texting doesn't have to be nearly as good as you think because she's just excited about you, the person, the man, the 27 year old dude, 26 year old dude.

Connell Barrett:

And then your texting is like it just needs to be good enough and light and authentic and then you ask her out. Give her some value and crack the occasional joke but lower the bar for how good you think your texting has to be. Okay. More important to have a good profile. Think of it this way, who's a celebrity woman who, you know, your dream girl, you would date her in a second if she was single available, who's like your dream girl? Probably Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, excellent taste. So if you match with Jennifer Lawrence on a dating app, it was actually her, how good would her texting have to be for you to go on a date with her?

Eric:

It probably wouldn't matter.

Connell Barrett:

Right. If she said hi, how's your day? If she double texted you, would you ghost Jennifer Lawrence?

Eric:

No.

Connell Barrett:

Oh no. Jennifer Lawrence could quintuple text me, she could sextuple text me. As long as Jennifer Lawrence didn't send me Nazi paraphernalia and write something psychotic. If I was single, hell yeah, I would meet up with Jennifer Lawrence. Her texting wouldn't have to be that good. Now you're not you and I am not the male Jennifer Lawrence, but you know what I really do think of myself as a regular guy 10. I want you to see yourself as a regular guy 10 who can have a 9, 10 out of 10 profile. We get women really excited about you, just like you'd be excited about J Law, and you don't have to text nearly as well as you think.

Connell Barrett:

You just need to be yourself, keep it relatively light, occasionally, 1 or 2 funny texts now and then, and then ask her out. And she'll be like, yeah, let's let's do it. Just the way you and I would go out with J Law in no time.

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Jeez, now I wanna date Jennifer Lawrence. Damn it. Jennifer, are you out there? I have a girlfriend, Jennifer, but Yeah. But, you never know. Who knows? Of course. Okay. We're almost out of time. Tomorrow.

Connell Barrett:

I have about 2 minutes left. Let's finish strong. What's the final topic or a question I can help you with or a problem you want some help with?

Eric:

Oh, man. Those are the 3.

Connell Barrett:

Okay. Let's do a bonus one. Anything.

Eric:

I'm on the spot here honestly. Are there pieces of advice that you haven't touched upon that you would use that you would give to someone like me?

Connell Barrett:

Hold on. Let me look at your so we talked about flirting in a respectful way. We talked about your photos. We talked about keeping the conversation

Eric:

I guess go ahead. There's one, like, little nitpick about, like, talking to someone in a bar, like because you know, when you're on a dating app, before you choose the ages of the people you wanna meet. Is it, like, is it, like, fine to, like, ask how old the other person is? Because it's, like

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. You can ask anybody anything you want as long as it's not vulgar or super weirdly personal, but, yeah, asking somebody's age, why not? Yeah. Are you thinking about through the lens of, just making sure that she's the right age for somebody you would want to date?

Eric:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Here's what I would do with that. I like to bring it all back to you know my thing, man. I'm all about authenticity, but right after that, a close second is playfulness. I like to keep things playful and fun because that's what women want. It's also what I like. So I like to find ways to play and keep it light and fun. So you could do it, you could ask a woman's age or you could bring up the age topic by saying, okay. I'm gonna guess how old you are.

Connell Barrett:

You can say that to her. Are you ready? I'm gonna guess. And then you guess. Oh, you could guess an absurd number. You could guess, like, say you're 40, even though she's clearly 20 in her twenties, maybe. Or you could know I'm not sure if you are even 18, am I legally allowed to talk to you? So you could turn it into a fun little guessing game. And then as when the playful back banter is done you could say, not all jokes aside though, I'm 26, how old are you? Okay. Yeah, totally fine.

Connell Barrett:

So there's nothing wrong with skipping the game and just asking a woman her age, but as you've probably noticed I just come back over and over to this concept that works, which is keep it light, keep it fun, and don't live in the logic information world. Okay. Makes sense.

Eric:

I see what you're saying. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Yeah. And this is I'll give you a bonus bonus tip. You probably heard about interview mode. Right? Interview mode is bad. Don't fall into interview mode. I am totally cool with interview mode as long as the questions you're asking her are light and fun questions that she enjoys as opposed to informational questions. Where are you from? What do you do? Is this your 1st night doing Thursday? Who are you here with? How old are you? How many siblings do you have? All those questions are logical and informational. Yeah.

Connell Barrett:

And some of that's fine to a point, but don't be afraid of interview mode interview mode. Be afraid of living in a logical, boring informational zone. Or interview mode is fine. Information mode is bad. So you can ask silly, fun questions. You can ask yourself questions. You can ask a lot of these in my book, like first date questions. Who would play you in the movie of your life? If we could go anywhere together right now and just be transported there together, Jenny, where would we go? I was at Barnes and Noble with a client, we talked to this really attractive woman who was book shopping and he asked her a great question.

Connell Barrett:

He said if you wrote a book what would the title be? What would it be about? She loved that question. So don't be afraid of interview mode. Be afraid of cliched informational boring same old questions.

Eric:

Okay. Yeah. So funny. Yeah. I am afraid. I hate I hate just knowing that, like, I I that that's my go to. Like, oh, what do you do for work? I really want to break out of that.

Connell Barrett:

Well, here's a good little tip. Every time you ask an informational, logical question, like, what do you do for work, follow-up with an emotional question.

Eric:

Okay. What do

Connell Barrett:

What do you do for work? Here. Let me let me do it, let me do it with you right now, like, legit. Okay?

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

I know, man. I know you're a student, but you can play the part of an answer, or you can give me the truth. What do you do for work, Eric? I'm a biologist. Really? You're a biologist? Yeah. What do you love most about being a biologist?

Eric:

I just like thinking about, you know, just the interesting intricacies of, like, how bodies are made up. Not just human bodies, but, like, you know, just, like, just just how complex organisms are. It's really interesting to me. There you go.

Connell Barrett:

Which question felt more interesting? Me asking you what you did?

Eric:

The second one.

Connell Barrett:

Right. Because I asked you an emotional question. One of my favorite questions to ask a woman is and I don't just ask it, but I really explore it with her, or at least if it seems to resonate with her, if I say, what do you love to do for fun? I don't mean what'd you do today. I mean what lights you up more than anything? I mean, besides talking to tall handsome gingers like me. Flirty comment.

Eric:

Of course, yeah.

Connell Barrett:

Right? And I want her to think, oh, I want to know what she loves to do for fun, because a) that's an emotional topic that she cares about so she will be engaged. B) by her telling me what she loves to do for fun, I'm learning about her, and I can hopefully relate emotionally to her. If she says I love cooking, I love cooking so much because I'm Italian and I love Italian food, and it reminds me of being with my grandma. My Nona taught me how to cook when I was a little girl. Oh my gosh, she's opening up to me about why she loves cooking. And then I'll say, no way. I feel the same way about Italian food. I went to Italy a couple 10 years ago and had this experience.

Connell Barrett:

Now I'll tell her maybe a fun travel story about my trips to Italy. So these are perfectly great questions to ask, don't be afraid of questions. Be afraid of logical cliched questions she's heard 800 times.

Eric:

Yeah of

Connell Barrett:

course. Ask her what you love about what you do? Or why do you do what you do? Find out what makes her tick. Find out what makes her fascinating. If you do that you can interview a woman all night long and she'll love it. I had a first date once with a woman who we dated for a while and then she became a really good friend of mine. She still is, her name is Becky, Rebecca. And on our first date, I really wasn't in the mood to do a whole lot of talking. I was kinda tired and ran down, so I just fell down.

Connell Barrett:

I just went into interview mode, but my version of interview mode is finding out what makes her fascinating, finding out what makes her tick. So I just kinda interviewed her about her career. I was being lazy. I thought I was probably screwing up the date because I was breaking the rules of interview mode. Anyway, I was asking her good questions. Date ends, we say good night, little good night kiss, everything's good. I barely talked about myself the whole night, I just asked her good questions. She texts me before I get home, she texts me, you're the most interesting person I've met in so long.

Connell Barrett:

But I didn't tell her anything about me, basically. She found me interesting because I found her interesting. There's an old expression, if you wanna be interesting, be interested. It's an old cliche, old saying. By the way I'm not saying only ask questions, but don't be afraid of them. Be afraid of those logical boring questions.

Eric:

Back in

Connell Barrett:

was basically saying you found me fascinating so I'm really interested in you Connell. So yeah, finding out what makes a woman fascinating is a great little mantra either on a date or an approach where you're in a deeper conversation.

Eric:

Okay.

Connell Barrett:

Great stuff, Eric. I think that's our time for tonight. But, hey, did this help you? Put some good stuff here?

Eric:

Of course. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Connell Barrett:

Awesome, bro. I'll let you go. Alright. I thought that was a really fun one and almost a half hour and almost a 90 minute session I did with Eric. We really went to some cool places there. I hope you got it if you're still with us at this point of the pod, I hope you got a lot of great feedback and advice. I would say, here's your mission. Here's your mission should you choose to accept it.

Connell Barrett:

Because I want this podcast to be not just a podcast of information, but I want this to be a dating coach podcast that's helping you execute. Information is overrated when it comes to women and dating. Execution is underrated. You've gotta go out there and take action in real life. Don't just listen to a podcast, go apply some things. Here's your mission. I would like you to apply at least 1 or 2 of these missions. I would love for you to test drive that flirting move I talked about called the push pull.

Connell Barrett:

It's an old school flirting move, and it's fun. I talked about it at about the 1 hour and 3 minute mark. Try a little push pull action, either in real life or on dating apps. Works really well. My girlfriend really liked it when we first connected. And the other mission I have for you would be to you know how I talked about the 3 multiple choice options for how to approach a woman? A compliment, a question, an observation. Go out this weekend. Go to a bar, go to a club.

Connell Barrett:

And instead of planning what you're gonna say or asking yourself, what's the perfect thing to say to women? Just remember that there is no perfect thing. The best thing to say is something that you commit to, that you really lean into with authenticity and commitment, and just choose which of those 3 works best for you. Notice something that you wanna compliment and compliment her, or notice a question or I should say, ask a question that makes sense, ask it. Or maybe you observe something a little bit different, unusual about her or something in this situation, use that observation opener. So give that a try. Go out there, and remember your dream girlfriend, she's out there, and she is gonna love you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. So go out there, take action, carpe datum, seize the date.

Connell Barrett:

Till next time.