Connell Barrett:

Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your host. I am the best selling author, Connell Barrett, the, quote, unquote, best dating coach in America according to Psychology Today. Thanks, Psychology Today. I help nice guys and introverts attract their dream girlfriends by being authentic. No creepy pickup artist moves needed. And I have a question for you.

Are you frustrated because you think women only wanna date men who are tall or great looking? Well, think again because in today's pod, I'm gonna shatter the 7 deadly dating myths that hold you back, and I'm also gonna share 7 secrets to help you attract a great girlfriend even if you're not tall or not super Hollywood handsome. So, let's do it. Let's get to it. Let's shatter the 7 deadly dating myths that are killing your confidence and, also share some tested tips to help you attract some pretty wonderful women. But first, I wanna tell a quick story. I wanna share with you how not to talk to women. As a dating coach, I play wingman for my clients. I go out in bars and clubs.

And one night, I was out with my client, Jason. We were at a rooftop lounge in Hollywood, a place called EPLP, literally in the shadow of the Hollywood Hills. It was our very first evening out together with me helping him approach women. Jason, by the way, is a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. So Jason approaches 2 slender, very stylish women who are drinking martinis. This is a rooftop open air bar. He walks up and says, hi there, and he hands one of the women his black and gold business card. And he says, I'm a plastic surgeon for celebrities in Beverly Hills.

And the women seemed confused at first, Sort of like, what is he looking for new clients? Is there something wrong with my chin? Or do I need a tummy tuck? 1 of the 2 women actually kinda covered her nose because all of a sudden she was insecure. And then they realized, oh, this is this guy's pickup line. And then they laughed at him and said, nice meeting you, which is polite woman code for not a chance, dude, and then they left.

So I took Jason aside, and I shared with him why his approach was rejected. And I basically said, look. You were trying to impress them, and that turned them off. When you try too hard to impress a woman, it comes off as overcompensating, and it tells her that you're beneath her. And I went on to say to him, and a woman doesn't wanna date a guy who's beneath her. So, basically, Jason, you know, has a very successful career, has a lot of cash, but Jason had his head up his assets. He had bought into this myth that the road to a woman's heart is traveled through a Lamborghini and that women just want a bunch of rich guys. But in reality, having cash, having a really cool job, that's a nice bonus to women, sure, but it doesn't give and doesn't give women what they most want, which is a good hearted, authentic man who has real confidence in himself. So by leading with his wallet, what Jason was doing, a great guy, by the way, he was actually saying to them, I don't have confidence in myself, so I'm gonna compensate with money and status. And that idea that women only wanna date rich men is one of what

I call the 7 deadly dating myths that hurt your dating results. So let's look at these myths, and let's replace them with the truth and also with some new dating moves to help you create some really great connections with women. So here we go. Here's deadly dating myth number 1. It's all about looks with women. But the truth is your looks don't matter. I mean, hey, if you have chiseled Hemsworthian features, good on you. But take it from a guy who's dated countless beautiful women despite me looking like a Weasley brother, your looks don't matter all that much unless you make them matter.

As men, we tend to value physical beauty in a woman much more than they value physical beauty in us. And this is because, in part, men are very visual. You know, we love a pretty face. We love an attractive figure. So because men prioritize looks, we project our preferences onto women and assume that women are gonna see us the same way. Now, sure, lots of women would love to date a super hot guy and a really handsome, physically attractive guy, but the thing is good looks are way down the must list for most women. It's like a nice bonus, but not required for most women. In fact, there's a poll done by a health app called Clue, and in this poll, 64,000 women were asked what traits they want most in a man.

And physical attractiveness did not even crack the top ten. So what's your new move? The fix here is I want you to combine funny and flirtatious. Not every guy can be great looking, but every guy can learn to be funnier and flirtier because to women, a man with good looks, that's kinda like a Jacuzzi. Nice to have, but way overrated. Most women just don't care that much. But what every woman wants, almost every woman, especially when they first meet you, like, when you're approaching, well, take it from me. I've been on over a 1000 dates, and I can tell you that pretty much every woman wants a man who can be a little bit funny and a little bit flirty. So other than having confidence and being authentic, which I think is the number one most important thing for a man, I think being funny and flirty is gonna be your most powerful tool in your dating toolbox.

So try this funny flirting move the next time you're on a date or the next time you're talking to a woman in person who you're into. So first, what you wanna do is ask her for her opinion on your outfit, your style. By the way, make sure you dress great. If you're gonna ask a woman to give you some style feedback, prepare to be looking great. Okay? She'll look down at your shirt and your overall outfit. As she's looking down, pretend that she looked a little bit too long and say, excuse me, but my eyes are up here. And then you can add something like, hey. I know I'm a gorgeous man.

I know I'm a snack, but please don't objectify me. I'm not a piece of meat. Make sure you say this with a playful little smile. We don't want her to think that you're actually accusing her of objectifying you. We want it to be a playful, little, fun game that you're playing. I call this move the romantic role reversal. So instead of you, the man, objectifying her, which is what women are used to, which is what makes women raise their guard, you're actually gonna playfully pretend that she's turning you into a sex object. You're reversing roles here.

You're basically giving her the power, which is disarming. And you're also showing confidence in yourself by conveying that you think you're hot enough to be leered at, but you're not really saying I'm super hot. You're making it a little bit of a role play. But even just going there suggests a guy who believes in his confident self, because I'm a skinny, nerdy, ginger with, like, no muscle tone. So when I say, hey. Excuse me. I know you're looking at my massive muscles, but, please, my eyes are up here. That's funny because I don't have massive muscles, obviously.

I, that's what makes it funny, and it's flirtatious because you're making it about how she wants you. So the romantic role reversal blends humor, flirtatiousness, and playfulness. And when you do it right, those things are irresistible to women. Because when you can make a woman laugh by combining humor and flirtatiousness, she's gonna find you as sexy as Brad Pitt even if you look like Brad Garrett. Okay. Deadly dating myth number 2 is that women only wanna date rich guys. The truth is women want men with purpose. So back to Jason, my business card wielding client.

That same night on that Holly rue Hollywood rooftop bar, Later that night, he met a beguiling, wonderful, intelligent, and entertainment attorney. I don't remember her name. It's been several years. But, anyway, rather than boasting to her about his high paying job, his high status job, he started sharing how he feels about his job and how fulfilling it feels as a plastic surgeon when he gets to do something like reshape a patient's crooked nose or or graft healthy skin onto a burn victim's neck. These are things he does in his job that just absolutely change people's lives. And at one point, he said to her, I just love helping people feel better about their looks. That just lights me up as a physician. And, basically, Jason was leading with his heart and his passion and his purpose, not his bank account, and she loved it.

She loved hearing that. So here's your new move. K? Don't try to impress. I want you to express, not impress. Express, not impress. I don't care if you are as rich as Scrooge McDuck and you swim around in a giant bank vault filled with gold bullion and coins. Boasting about your financial status is gonna hurt you, not help you when it comes to women. Women want a man of substance, not a man who flashes his fancy creds.

So express, don't impress. Convey the passion you have for the work that brought you success. Share with women what you love about your career, how it makes you feel, who it lets you help. And if you're not making 6 or 7 figures, no sweat. Women are drawn to men of passion and purpose and ambition. Talk about your career ambition, the path you're on, where you're gonna be in 2, 3, 5 years, what excites you about your ambition and the career you're building. Passion and purpose are cooler to women than the fanciest sports car. Alright.

Deadly dating myth number 3 is that women just aren't into short guys. But the truth is women love confident guys of all heights. Women don't necessarily want tall guys. What many women want are guys who are at least not shorter than she is. And, hey, the average American woman is 5 foot 4. So if you hit 5 foot 4 or above on

the tape measure, you're good.

You have lots of options. And it's also very possible to attract girls who are taller than you. Because for a woman, it's not really about a guy's height. It's about how a guy's height can make many women feel. Namely, it can help them feel feminine, help them feel small, safe. A shorter guy can give her those things. Even if he's not tall, you can still give him those things by doing things like adding muscle to the gym, carrying himself with confidence, using his voice in a confident, assertive way, and getting really good at flirting. These are all things that can give women those feminine feelings. That height can give many women as well.

So here's your new move. Here's your new tip. Be a confident man with a confident plan. Women love a leader. They love, love, love a leader, and they hate guys who say, so, what do you wanna do now? What should we do next? Where do you wanna go? No. Never be that way. Have a plan. Be a man with a plan.

Lead. Pick a place that she's gonna love for that first drink. Have a second spot in mind for a nightcap. Know where you're taking her with decisiveness. You could say things like,

oh, hey, let's go to Spain. Great bar.

You're gonna have a blast, shall we? And extend your arm. Lead her to that second location on a date or lead her to the cool place. It's awesome. You're gonna love it. Have a lot of certainty. I have a client named Aaron. Aaron's 5 foot 6, and he recently, confidently walked up to a, 6 foot dynamite stunner at a shopping mall. And he was very genuine.

He was very flirtatious with her, and he took her on an instant coffee date. Now in heels, this woman towers over him by literally half of a foot, but she was into Aaron. 5 foot 6 Aaron picked up a beautiful 6 foot 2 inches in heels stunner because he approached with confidence and he had a confident plan, and women love a confident man with a confident plan. Alright. Deadly dating myth number 4. It's creepy to approach women, but the truth is it's creepy not to approach. It's much creepier not to approach and just stare at her. So when I first started learning how to attract women from approaching over 15 years ago, I was at a trendy hotel lounge in New York City.

My wingman that night challenged me to go over to this table where a cute brunette and her blonde friend sat, and they were sitting with this muscular guy, and there was an open seat. So he said, go over there, take that seat, and go talk to them. Now at this point, I was still very nervous about talking to women, let alone dealing with a potentially pissed off boyfriend. And this guy was huge. He was huge. He was like a bottle of muscle milk made of flesh. And I was like, oh my god. He's gonna kick my butt.

But I summoned the courage, walked over, grabbed an empty chair, sat down, and I basically offered a warm hello. Hey, guys. What's up? How's your night going? It was very friendly. The brunette's eyes got really wide, and she leaned forward. And she said, oh my god. You just came right up to us and talked to us. Do you know what you are? And I thought to myself, a creep who's about to get his butt kicked. But I kept my cool, and I said, I don't know.

What am I? And she said, you're normal. And then she tilted her head toward a different guy sitting a couple tables away. See that guy over there? He's been staring at us all night, and it's creeping us out. Oh, by the way, the hulking muscular guy who was there at the table, he was really friendly. He was chill. He wasn't even dating either of them, and he was totally fine with me being there. So I traded numbers with this really cute brunette who was effervescent and charming and friendly and pretty. And I remember, thinking, wow.

It's way creepier to stare at a woman and do nothing than it is to go approach. It's the most normal thing in the world to walk up to a woman in a bar, in a public, socializing location, say hello. It's way weirder to stare at her and do nothing. So here's your new move. Follow the 3 second rule. When you're in a social environment and you see a woman you would love to meet, approach her immediately, 3 seconds or less. Begin walking toward her within 3 seconds of spotting her because the longer you wait, the more that self doubt sneaks in and talks you out of it. So follow the 3 second rule.

The longer you wait, the heavier the wait. Okay. Deadly dating myth number 5 is that women put men in the friend zone. That's incorrect. Women don't put men in the friend zone. We do it to ourselves. And we do it to ourselves by treating women like platonic pals. So here's a new move to help you smash out of the friend zone. Pull her pigtails, not literally. Pull her pigtails figuratively. A lot of women really enjoy it when a guy teases her. It's a playful way of saying, hey, I like you.

The trick is to tease her only for silly little trivial things, nothing she would actually take personally. So let's say you're 10 minutes into a date. I'm sorry. Let's say you're 10 minutes into a date and you find out she loves the movie Legally Blonde. You might say, oh my god. Your favorite movie is Legally Blonde? I don't know if there's gonna be a second date. I don't know if I can handle that. On my first date with my now girlfriend, Jess, I teased her about the fact that my book, Dating Sucks But You Don't, was just coming out when I met her.

And I teased her that she was a stalker, kind of like in the movie misery, and that she might abduct me and lock me in a room because I'm this author who she was obsessed with. And she teased me right back about being 15 years old, 20 years older than she is and other things. So, it wasn't about nagging each other. It was playful banter, and a lot of women love that playful teasing banter. Teasing is an invitation to connect. Teasing invites your date to spar with you. And when 2 people are sparring on a date, chemistry. That's chemistry.

Okay. 2 more to go. Deadly dating myth number 6. Your conversation skills must be amazing. That is a myth. The truth is you don't need, quote, unquote, great game. You don't need to be the wittiest guy on the block to get a woman into you. In fact, trying to up your game and straining to be charismatic and funny and witty, that just creates tension, raises the bar, and makes you come across as try hard, or it gets you stuck in your head and you don't say or do anything because you can't think of the great funny thing to say.

Here's your new move. Lower the conversational bar. You're talking to a girl? Don't think of it as a performance. You're not giving a TED Talk. You're not doing a stand up comedy set. Just talk about her and share about you. Lower the bar for how good you think your word choice and your humor and wit needs to be. Paradoxically, when you lower the bar for how witty and funny you think you need to be, the pressure is off, and all of a sudden, you'll become more witty, more funny.

Here's an exercise I give my clients. Give this a try. Walk up to a woman in a place like a bar, social arena, and I want you to try to be boring. Actually, try to bore her. Talk about boring things. I gave my client James this mission to do out approaching women. James is into AI. He's a mechanical engineer in AI.

And I said, go over to that table and talk to them about AI for 2 minutes. Try to bore them. Andthe conversation went great because what happens is you're not trying to impress them. You're actually trying to bore them, and you're gonna find out that the bar will lower. You're gonna relax and have a really clever, fun conversation. Or if not clever, at least fun and free flowing. And that's all a woman wants, is to have a nice free flowing conversation with a cool guy like you. So go out and try to bore a woman.

You'd be surprised at how hard it is to do. Here is deadly dating myth number 7, which is that rejection hurts.

Actually, I'm gonna call bullshit on that. The truth is rejection helps. It's good for you. So dating sucks because rejection sucks in your mind.

You ask a girl out, you approach, maybe you send a flirty text, there's a crush you have, you get turned down, and you feel wounded. Right? But what causes that pain or feeling wounded, it's not the rejection itself. It's how you interpret the quote, unquote rejection rejection. It's you interpreting it as rejection instead of just interpreting it as information. You turn it into something painful. You turn it into something personal. You turn it into evidence, so called, that you're just not attractive, at least not to really quality women, the kind of quality women you yearn to date. And that's why rejection hurts. It's all in how you interpret it. When you get, quote, unquote, rejected, it makes you doubt your worth. You feel less special, and you basically misinterpret that rejection as a sign you're just not enough. So viewing rejection through this lens of, I guess that means I'm not enough, this turns into a romantic risk, like an approach or making a move on a date or asking out your crush. It turns a romantic risk into judgment day. High stakes.

Heads, I win. Tails, I suck. And that makes it really hard to be confident, makes it really hard to even take action, take a risk, and then you get stuck in a tough dating life. So here's your new move. Ready? I want you to embrace rejection.

Embrace it. Specifically,

I want you to see rejection through new eyes. See it through new eyes. When I take a client out for in person wingman training, which I do in New York City and occasionally in other cities, We go out together. I'm his wingman, side by side for the night, talking up, talking to women, chatting, flirting. I often start out the night by approaching some women, and I want him to see me get rejected. I want him to choose sometimes I'll hide I'll say, hey. Who is the most intimidating woman here? What situation? He might point to 3 women on the dance floor. And I'm like, cool.

I'll go up to the hottest one, the prettiest one, and I'll go talk to her. So I have him choose a scary approach. I'll go in, and I'll talk to the cutest girl. And I often, but not always, get blown out, get rebuffed. And I do this not because I'm a masochist. I do this because I want my client to see that rejection is not something to fear. It's actually just part of the dating process. It's required.

You can't approach women and not get turned down from time to time. You can't swipe on Tinder and not get ghosted. It's part of putting yourself out there. But what if you saw rejection as painless? What if you were immune to it? What if you had a thick skin? Well, you can. I want you to see rejection is what it is. No big deal. No biggie. A woman's rejection is not, I repeat, not evidence of your worth.

It's just evidence that she is not interested in that moment. Maybe you're not her type. Maybe she's tacos and you're a pizza. Both great, just not compatible. It's also possible that she actually does find you attractive, but you caught her at a bad moment when she wasn't really in the mood? I went out to a bar a few weeks ago with a couple clients, and I was approaching a couple girls as demonstrations, and this girl, like, basically rejected me, blew me out in front of my client, which is actually what I wanted her to do. About an hour and a half later, I'm on the dance floor with my client helping him talk to girls, and that same girl who blew me out came back up to me and basically approached me and started showing her interest in me. Nothing happened because I have a girlfriend, but an hour earlier, she was like, get away, Ginger. And now all of a sudden, she's hitting on me. So even if a woman rejects you, it might just be you caught her in a bad moment. She's not looking to talk to a guy like you, not looking to talk to any guys right now. It's nothing about you. So rejection might feel personal, but a woman who barely knows you, think about this for a second. A woman who does not know you, she can't truly reject you. Doesn't know you well enough. Now if your long term girlfriend says, hey. I don't love you anymore.

You've never made me orgasm, and I'm leaving you for the rock. Okay. That is rejection. I'll see you at the bar. I'll buy you a round.

But if a woman you've just met blows you off, she's probably just saying to you, you

know what? I like the Beatles, and you're the Stones. It is no there's no shame there, man. The stones absolutely rock. So I want you to create a model of your love life in which there is no such thing as rejection. And when you realize that it doesn't truly exist except between your ears, then you realize there's nothing to fear, that it's not judgment day. It's just you talking to a woman at a bar or you on a date. And when you realize there's nothing to fear, all that resistance, all that fear goes away, and you can take great actions and feel so much more confident and do great things. Anyway, that was, the 7 deadly dating myths.

If this podcast episode helped you, if I said some things that you liked, I hope I did, keep listening. I'm here to help you find an incredible girlfriend, to flirt with confidence, to meet somebody fantastic, and basically become the man you've always wanted to be with women, and to do it with authenticity. As your true best authentic self, no creepy pickup artist moves. It's all about integrity, authenticity, and awakening that truly best you inside. And if you want to get a lot more free tips, videos, tips, all kinds of great stuff, please go to my website, datingtransformation.com. Lots of goodies there. Lots more free tips. And, you can also book a call with me or somebody on my team to talk about coaching if you're interested.

Datingtransformation.com is where you can do that. Alright.

Until our next episode of the how to get a girlfriend podcast. Until then, remember that your dream girlfriend, she's out there, and she already likes you. She just has to meet the real authentic you. Next time.