Connell Barrett (00:00):
It’s the E equals MC squared of dating, I think Einstein would approve. Welcome back to the How to Get a Girlfriend podcast. I am your podcast dating coach. My name is Connell Barrett. I am a dating coach for men. I wrote a book called Dating Sucks, but You Don’t. And I help nice guys and introverts become very attractive to women flirt like Champs and get a great girlfriend and do it all by being authentic. My secret sauce is what I call radical authenticity because your most attractive version of you is your most authentic version. That’s what women want. And today’s episode is for you if you want to be more charismatic to women because you might think that you have to be loud or outgoing or larger than life to be charismatic to women, but that’s a myth. Introverts, shyer, more introverted, more quiet guys, have a quiet charisma that women love.
(01:14):
You just need to learn how to unlock it. And today I’m going to show you how to unlock it on how to get a girlfriend. And I think you’re going to love this episode. I came up with what I call the charisma code, a three-part formula that will help you become magnetic to women. And again, doing it is the real you not doing an impersonation of somebody else. This formula will help take you from feeling shy in your head to feeling truly attractive. Here it is. Let me get right to it. Let me cut to the chase. The charisma code is this. Think of this as if I may say it’s the E equals MC squared of dating. I think Einstein would approve. Here is my charisma code, AE plus P plus PL equals charisma. What does that mean? Let’s dive in. Find out. AE stands for authentic expression. That’s the foundation of real charisma. P stands for presence, and that’s the key to confidence. And PL stands for playfulness. Playfulness is the light flirty vibe that women love early on in the dating phase, talking about dating and courtship. So the charisma code lets anybody become charismatic. Yes, even you, sir. Even you can be charismatic in your own way, your own unique way, even if you’re a more shy, quiet or intellectual guy. Let me demonstrate for you. I want to show you about how this really started to help me. And I’m an introverted nerd.
(02:58):
I’m an introvert. I’m a shy guy naturally, or at least an introverted guy. Yet I’ve created some pretty amazing dating results with some women over the years. And I’ve dated women who I used to think were way out of my league. So let me take this sort of piece by piece. I’ll tell you a quick story. Start with the first part of the charisma code ae authentic expression. I once had a first date with a woman named Adriana, a bright, beautiful gallery owner here in New York City. And in a lot of ways she was out of my league in terms of looks and status and just she was just dynamite. At the time though, I had started to get some real confidence and momentum going with my dating life. I was having some good success and I was beginning to see what really worked. So we met at a karaoke bar and for our first date, and I told myself, don’t strain to impress her.
(03:53):
Be genuine, be vulnerable. So I was really open with her and self-effacing even. I said at one point early on, I said, by the way, I suck at singing. I have a one octave range on my best days, but I’ll try my best. So I was really authentically expressing what I felt. Then we moved to P presence. I was very in the moment with Adriana, I let my sense of humor come out and being present lets your wit your humor come out because when you’re present, you can actively listen. I remember at one point she grabbed the karaoke mic. She did her Song of Faith, George Michael. And when she was done with her song, she came back and sat next to me and I said, Hey, I know another George Michael song that I think you should sing. And she said, I want your sex. And I misinterpreted that as a come on.
(04:51):
And I said, whoa, you want my sex? We just met. Let’s take it slow. Adriana, she laughed. She loved it. I could see how impressed she was by my well flirty presence. And the third piece of this is PL playfulness. I suggested a game for our karaoke night. The game I suggested was I said, I have an idea. I’ll pick the songs that you sing. You pick the songs I’m going to sing. And we would write them down on a piece of paper, put them, go give them to the karaoke dude running the show. And then we would not know the song we were going to sing until our name was called. I remember she put in tempted by the Fruit of Another Squeeze, the Squeeze, I think they’re called, oh no, sorry, pulling muscles from Michelle. Pulling Muscles from Michelle. And I chose Faith by George Michael for her.
(05:55):
And so by making a game out of choosing the songs, I added a dimension of playfulness. It also created a fun suspense and created some flirty trash talking about which of us was going to pick a better song. So I just remember thinking at the time, I wasn’t thinking this way at the time. I was just hoping the date with Adriana was going to go well. But I now think, okay, my authentic expression was there. I was being me. I wasn’t trying to be somebody else. I was being really present. I was playful. And near the end of the date, she looked at me and said, you’re hot. You’re very charismatic. And I, part of me wanted to look behind me as if to say, who are you talking about? Me, me, charismatic me hot. And we kissed soon after she said that because hey, even I can take that kind of hint.
(06:45):
And that’s the charisma code in action. AE plus P plus PL equals charismatic to your type of girl. So you might be pushing back and saying, Hey, Connell, no way. You got to be loud. You got to be brash. You got to be like the rock walking into WrestleMania. That’s charisma. Well, if charisma was all about being loud guy, FII would be the world’s greatest pickup guy with women. But charisma is in the eye of the beholder. Different women find different types of men, charismatic. And when a woman likes your type and you apply the charisma code, then you’re going to become so magnetic, so charismatic to women who like your type. So that’s right. What I’m getting at here is you don’t need to change yourself to attract women. You don’t need to try to be what you think Charismatic always looks like you need to be charismatic to women who like your type and be your brand of charismatic.
(07:48):
So let’s go through it. I want to teach you how to use the charisma code in your love life piece by piece. Let’s start with ae. AE equals authentic expression. Again, charisma is not about being loud and larger than life. It’s about expressing your authentic self in the ways that make a woman say, I know who this guy is, and I like his type. It’s about amplifying the type you already are. And women will come running to that type if you are her type. And there are different styles of charisma that have nothing to do with being loud and brash. So think about Chris Pratt. Chris Pratt, his characters in both movies and TV shows, the goofy, playful charm he brings to Guardians of the Galaxy. He also brings it to parks and rec or think Pete Davidson, he has a vulnerable, stoner, funny, vulnerable, stoner appeal.
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And look, nobody’s dated more beautiful women than Pete Davidson, Ariana Grande among them. And another popular example, I think my girlfriend Jess, has a bit of a crush on this next one, Jeff Goldblum. Many women go crazy for that. Jeff Goldblum, quirky, intellectual, weird, but good, weird, big brained charisma. None of these guys are swinging from the rafters, wearing the proverbial lampshade on their heads in terms of how they carry themselves out in the world, in roles and in real life. But they’re all charismatic, right? So remember something, there are 4 billion men in the world, but there’s only one. You are uniquely singular. There’s only one you. So I want you to redefine charisma as you leaning into your uniqueness and expressing that true self because there’s only because you are literally one of a kind. And if you try to do an impression of what you think charisma is or what you think women want, then you’re going to all of a sudden go from being one of a kind to being a xerox, to being a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.
(09:59):
Because when you redefine charisma, then you stop chasing it and you start embodying it. And there’s just something so magnetic about a man who knows who he is and also expresses it in an unfiltered way. Think of Chris Rock on stage being really raw, funny, saying his crazy, witty, amazing things. Or think of that candid voice at a work meeting, cuts through the bullshit. Or think of you on a date telling that woman straight up that you’re nervous to meet her, but leaning into it, Hey, I was nervous to meet you. I’m so glad you look even more amazing in your photos. My heart’s pounding right now. Instead of being that guy who’s pretending to play it, cool, authentic truth grabs attention and it sparks something inside of people. And it’s when you are the person who ignites that spark in somebody that somebody sees you as charismatic to her, to them.
(11:03):
So here’s some thoughts on how to be authentically expressive on dates or when you meet a woman who you want to date, like you approach her at a bar, you meet her at a party, some kind of social event, follow this. Here’s your golden rule. What I’m thinking and feeling is what I’m saying and doing. Just speak your thoughts. What I’m thinking and feeling is what I’m saying and doing. Be an open book. Say what’s genuinely on your mind As long as it’s G rated or pg, keep it classy. So if you were nervous to meet her and your heart was pounding before she walked into the date, tell her. Or if you’re on a date or you’re talking to a woman in a social setting and she’s bubbly and you find her bubbly personality sexy, tell her that and use the word sexy. Own it.
(11:57):
If you are on a first date and you want to see her again, don’t play some bullshit game of waiting two days so that you make her wonder if you like her or to not come across as needy. Ask her out on the second date before the first date ends. Women love a man who knows what he wants and who he wants. My ex-girlfriend Brooke. Now my friend Brooke, she loved that I asked her out for our, I think it was, I asked her out for our third date at the end of our second date. She loved that. I just said, Hey, I want to see you again Wednesday. Number three, she loved it. It wasn’t needy. It was me going after what I want. And that’s charismatic to a lot of women. So imagine that you’re wearing Wonder Woman’s Rope of Truth, the lasso of truth when you’re around women and just speak.
(12:48):
Just speak. So remember what I’m thinking and feeling is what I’m saying and doing. Okay? So authentic expression is a game changer, but it’s not enough on its own, or at least it’s often not enough on its own. You need the second part of the formula P for presence. Let me ask you this rhetorical question. Do you get stuck in your head around beautiful women, around attractive women? Of course you do sometimes probably a lot. Well, here’s why You’re so focused on, what do I say? Does she like me? What do I say? What do I say next? Does she like me? How’s this going? That you get out of the present moment. You basically exit the present moment and you enter the prison of your mind. You’re too focused on what to say and how it’s going. Instead of just being focused on enjoying yourself with her, you’re worried about is she going to want to see me again?
(13:45):
What kind of grade am I going to get? It’s a date. It’s not a quarterly performance review. So have you ever noticed that women you’re not into often become attracted to you, but the girls you want to date have no interest in you? Well, this is why you’re present with women who you don’t want to date, which makes you more attractive to these women. But then you overthink and get results obsessed, or you overthink what to say with women you are into and they get totally turned off or not turned off, but they’re at least not meeting you at your most present and awesomely you. So here’s the fix. Give women a present your presence. How do we do that? Well, I want to just focus in on two things. I want to kind of combine two things. Align your body and your voice to project grounded confidence.
(14:44):
An alignment of body and voice can help you click into a present charismatic place. When your body and voice are aligned and are aligned the right way, you pull yourself out of your head and into the moment. And this lets you connect with her. It brings you into that moment with her because you’re now fully focused on the now with your body, your voice. And now you can be in the now with her while also projecting, charisma through your words and physicality in a way that women find attractive. So here are a couple tips. Let’s go with words first, how you talk, not what to say, but how you say it. Speak clearly and audibly. Say yes, not. Yeah, do not mumble or trail off. I spent a whole month back in my training days when coaches were helping me. One of my coaches said, Connell, when you’re talking to women, you talk like this.
(15:42):
You sound like that kid in fifth grade who didn’t do his homework. So for the next month, I practice short, concise, pointed sentences. Yes, no period. Now, yeah, nah. So no mumbling, no trailing off. Your voice should be steady and grounded. That’s your voice. Also, stand or sit as the case may be. Stand or sit like you belong there. Take up some space, shoulders back, body relaxed, basically sit like a man who’s confident, who’s loose, who feels, who’s got no worries, sit like a man who just paid off his student loans. That’s how your body should project. So for example, here’s the wrong way to say the following sentence.
(16:37):
So I would love to see you again for date number two. Yeah, when are you free gross. I just grossed myself out. Here’s the right way to say it with my voice and my body aligned. I’m saying this with what I call positive dominant tone or positive assertive tone. Hey, I would love to see you again for date Number two, when are you free? Next? Can you hear the smile in my voice and the assumptive tonality, meaning I am assuming she wants to see me again for date Number two, I’ll say it again. I’ll try to do my best impression of it. Hey, I would love to see you again for a second date. When are you free? Next, there’s an assumption that she wants to see me too as well. And maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t. But if she’s on the fence about it, my confident charismatic voice will make her probably push her over to the Sure, I’ll see him again. Why not?
(17:43):
Now, the beautiful thing about aligning your body and your voice is that’s when the right words will flow from your newly present place. This is how I made Adriana laugh. I didn’t plan the George Michael, I want your sex joke. I misinterpreted it in the moment because I was being so present. I was listening to her and myself that the opportunity arose. So the right things are going to come from your heart, not up here at your head. They’re going to come from the heart, not literally. I don’t even mean that metaphorically, I guess I mean more your body. Get into your body, get into your physicality, and that helps you get out of your head.
(18:28):
And honestly, if you don’t know what to say, stop worrying about what to say. Sit up straight or stand tall. Use your voice in a positive, assertive way and start getting present with your body and voice aligned, and then the emotions will tell you what to say. I have not planned most of what I’ve said today. I’ve got a couple notes here I’m looking at just because I don’t want to leave out important talking points and a couple details, but 98% of what I’ve said to you today is improvised spontaneous. My emotion, my certainty is carrying it. And that’s how women want to talk to a guy like you. They want it to be spontaneous and aligning body and voice will help you do that. Okay, there’s one more element of the charisma code that every woman wants from you. You need pl playfulness. Playfulness is the final piece of the puzzle that makes the charisma code work.
(19:29):
What is flirting in a word? Play the dictionary defines flirting as playing at love. I looked it up. Or either Webster’s or some other dictionary. I forget the name. I think it was Webster’s Playing at love. And the big mistake that you make when talking to women is you’re being logical, analytical, informational, and logical. Analytical mindset works well in your career. It’s great when you’re doing software coding. It’s great when you’re trying to solve a problem with your team. But women don’t want logic, facts and figures. They want play. In other words, don’t be Mr. Spock, be Captain Kirk. Be visceral. Be more emotional.
(20:23):
Now, again, the first two pieces of the charisma code, authentic expression, presence. These are important, but without playfulness, it’s like a cake without frosting, it does not taste nearly as good. So here are three ways to be playful with women and dating. Number one, play games on dates. I don’t mean be a game player. I mean literally play games, staring contests, thumb wrestling, two truths and a lie or make one up as you go along. Like the game I came up with on that karaoke date with Adriana, I just said, this will be fun. I’ll pick your songs. You pick my songs. What do you think? She loved? It created a whole different way of going about a karaoke date. All of a sudden, the pressure was on both of us. And I remember standing up there and it created a connection between the two of us because I remember the DJ started playing pulling muscles from Michelle by Squeeze, and I looked over at her and I gave her a look, and I’m like, great choice. You nailed it. I love that song. And it was a way for me to compliment her and connect with her. So play games on dates. And number two, tip number two, for being playful with women and dating. Let’s go to approaching approach her in a playful way. Here’s the simplest way to do a playful approach. It’s literally two words.
(21:52):
I was out with one client, a few clients actually, but only coaching one at a bar, a couple bars in New York City a few Fridays ago, and with my client, Matthew and I do something called Wingman Weekend where my clients and I go out for a whole weekend here in New York City and I am their wingman helping them approach women. And so I had Matt do five approaches because he wasn’t having fun. He wasn’t being playful. He was walking up to women and interviewing them. So I said, Matt, do five approaches all the same way. He did five approaches. He walked up to five different women and said, knock, knock with a smile on his face. Knock, knock the international symbol or language for, I got a joke to tell you. All five women smiled and said, who’s there? And I don’t remember what, I forget how the rest of his knock, knock joke went.
(22:45):
But bottom line is he got them all smiling and laughing. He got two of the five women, he got phone numbers and genuine interest from two of the five women. So two of these five women, minimum found him charismatic, probably more than five did, but two of them were single and interested. So yeah, it can be that simple. So do the knock-knock approach, opener. And here’s a third one, a texting tip. Because yes, you can be charismatic by text as well. Here’s a playful text to send after your next first date the next day. What do guys usually do if they text at all? Most guys are like, they wait a day or two, play it. Cool. Fuck that noise. But other guys say, Hey, I just wanted you to know that I had a good time and we should go out again. By the way, there’s nothing wrong with that.
(23:36):
I’m totally cool with sincerity, but here’s a more cheeky, playful spin on that. Send this the day after your next date, whatever her name is. Let’s say it’s Angela. Hey, Angela, I just wanted to let you know that you had a really good time last night and you want to see me again and then put a little winky emoji in there. Get it? You had a good time. You want to see me again? It’s cheeky, it’s unexpected. It’s playing with this idea that you are the prize. It’s not literal, but it’s very fun. I remember, dude, I sent that 20 years ago, almost came up with that one. And this incredible woman I was dating named Katie or started to date, this was our first date. She gave me feedback. She said that she was on her phone when I sent her that, and it came through, and both she and her female friend looked at it and laughed and said, that was good. So it comes. It’s got 20 years of reps that one working. So bottom line is when you combine that authentic expression, that presence, that playfulness, you become magnetic to your type of woman. That’s the charisma code. And so you don’t need to be somebody you’re not. You don’t need to try to do some impression of what you think charisma is. Bottom line is you’re probably not like the rock. You’re not like, I don’t know who else is famously charismatic and hilarious and out of this world larger than life. Tony Robbins.
(25:12):
I don’t know Jimmy Fallon, you’re not a big time performer. You’re a more quiet guy. It’s okay. You don’t need to dial up some fake persona. You just need to dial up being more real, more authentic, and use the charisma code. By the way, if you would like some personalized help figuring out your dating life and maybe you want some one-on-one help figuring out the charisma code for you to get you out of your head, get you approaching charismatically talking to women, then you and I can talk one-on-one for free. So I do free consultations for men who are considering possibly maybe looking into a dating coach. And if you want a girlfriend, if you just want more dates, if you want to approach, most guys, come to me for approaching help. If you just want to meet women in the real world, then you can go to my website dating transformation.com and you can book a free call with me and you and I will talk about how my coaching can help you. There’s no charge, it’s just a free consult. If we’re a good fit to work together, we’ll figure something out. And if we’re not all good, it’s a fun short conversation and you’ll find out how charismatic I am one-on-one. Anyway, good@datingtransformation.com. If you would like to book a free consultation with your favorite, I hope your favorite podcast dating coach. Until next time, thanks for listening.
