Things were going great with a woman I was seeing, but last week she ended it. She told me she’s not looking to date right now. A couple days later I was up late on Instagram and saw that she’s back with her ex, who had cheated on her. I DM’d her for answers, and she said, “You’re just too nice.” I feel crushed and confused! Am I supposed to treat people badly? Do women even want good guys?
FRUSTRATED IN PHOENIX
Instagram should come with a warning label: “Danger! Scrolling at 3am may make you question your romantic worth.”
That must have hurt, Frustrated. You feel played, replaced, and you’re wondering what you did wrong.
Odds are, she didn’t reject you for being nice. She rejected you because you were afraid to be anything besides nice. It’s like you opened a Baskin-Robbins but only served vanilla.
As a dating coach, my educated guess is that you played it safe and didn’t project the kind of steely certainty that women tend to want from men. That can push women away, sometimes into the arms of jerks.
“You’re too nice” is code. It likely means you were so focused on saying and doing what you thought she wanted that you forgot to show up as you and decisively lead the dating dance.
To be clear: Women want nice, kind men. But they also want men to show up with confidence, not permission slips. So ignore the Manosphere noise about how nice guys finish last with women, OK? (The only thing the Red Pill guys are sleeping with is their Xbox.)
I tried being a jerk. It backfired. Long before I became a dating coach, I was a struggling single guy trying to figure out how to connect with women. I once hired a pickup artist who said, “Connell, you’re too nice. Be a dick to women.”
I acted arrogant on dates. I approached girls and said crass things (“Are all your friends hotter than you?”). One peeved woman poured a pitcher of ice-water down my shirt. (It was the least sexy cold shower of my life.)
It didn’t work, and I felt awful—and not just because I was acting like an ass. I wasn’t being me, a nice guy from a nice Ohio family. The girls I met could smell my agenda like too much Axe Body Spray.
So what do women really want? I got a surprising answer one night at a Tiki bar in Miami, when I met a Maxim model named Julie. “I am so sick of arrogant men,” she said. “I’d love to meet a nice guy, but they never approach me.” Then Julie said something I’ll never forget, a truth I remind all of my clients: “Nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs—as long as they have a backbone.”
Kindness without confidence leads to rejection. Confidence without kindness is just being a jerk. You need both kindness and confidence.
I know it was hurtful and confusing to see her go back to the same man who’d cheated on her, when all you’d like to be is a devoted boyfriend. Some women choose a toxic guy because he comes off as a leader who unapologetically says and does what he wants. Jerks aren’t attractive because they’re jerks, but because they project confidence and self-certainty—the backbone that Julie mentioned.
You likely played it too safe with the woman you were dating, which she read as a lack of confidence.
I’ll bet your courtship with her played out this way. On your first date, you wanted to kiss her, but you just gave her a hug. You wanted to tell her how sexy she is, but you bit your tongue so as not to be “creepy.” When she suggested, say, Thai food—which you hate—you said, “Sure, whatever you want!” You were so busy being the man you thought she wanted that you forgot to be the man you are inside. That pushed her away.
Male-female attraction needs polarity, romantic tension. A woman in touch with her feminine side tends to like a man who exudes strength. That doesn’t mean be an asshole. It means be a man who leads with certainty.
So how do you show up differently with the next woman you meet? Here are three suggestions.
Lead the Dating Dance
Dating is a dance, and it’s the man’s job to lead. Instead of asking, “Where do you want to go?” you might say, “Let’s try my favorite wine bar—you’ll love it.” Dating coach tip: Use the word “let’s” often (“Let’s grab fish tacos on Tuesday,” “Let’s go on a second date…”). “Let’s” lets you lead without sounding bossy. Oh, and it’s way better than, “So…umm…maybe… if you’re not busy this decade…?”
Playfully Disagree with Her—If You Mean It
Have you ever noticed that in rom-coms the two leads always have flinty, flirty banter—often bordering on bickering? In your early text messages and dates, feel free to disagree with her a time or two to see if that ignites spark, always keeping it playful. (“Wait, you think pineapple belongs on pizza? I was so into you until you said that!”) Switch your filter from “Will she approve of this?” to “What do I honestly feel about this?”
Show Her the Perfectly Imperfect You
As you move through dates 1 through 4, lower your guard more and more, and show vulnerability. Reveal your fears and imperfections. Now, don’t unload a ton of trauma, but share the story about the day you got laid off or admit a deep fear you don’t tell most people.
On my second date with my girlfriend Jess, I told her about my nine-week marriage, and how it was mostly my fault. It didn’t scare her off. She appreciated my openness, and (I hope) saw that I was working on myself and trying to grow. Women like it when a guy drops his guard.
Here’s the truth: It’s good to be nice! Ignore all that Red Pill noise. Niceness is a virtue women want.
You were too soft, too supplicating—but not too nice. What repels women isn’t kindness. It’s fear masquerading as kindness.
Be nice, generous, and thoughtful—but from a place of strength, not need. Lead the interaction and show her who you are.
Nice guys finish first—when they lead the dating dance.
Great Text-Pectations
Connell, when I’m on the apps I’m afraid to double or triple text women so that I don’t come off as try-hard. What’s the perfect number of messages I should send before I ask for the first date?COUNTING ON YOU
Send exactly 11-and-3/fifths messages, at alternating times of day—except in the Central Time Zone, in which case it’s 9.25 (to the 11th power).
The number of texts you send is almost irrelevant. Let me explain with a pop quiz.
Imagine you match with Ana de Armas, and she texts you three times in a row. Do you…
A) Ghost her for being needy
B) “Play it cool” and wait a day to reply
C) Rent a billboard that screams, “Ana de Armas texted me!”
Obviously, it’s C. You wouldn’t see her as needy or thirsty. All you would see is the upside of dating her because she’s your Perfect 10.
So the question isn’t how many texts should you send. The real question is how to get more women seeing you as their Perfect 10 (or at least a nice, high number.)
When a woman is excited to meet you—as you would be thrilled to date Ana de Armas—your texting frequency becomes irrelevant. She’ll be excited to hear from you—whether it’s one text or 10.
On the apps, women don’t care how often you text. They care how much you bring to their love life. And they gauge that primarily through your profile: your photos, your bio, the story you tell about who you are.
Case in point: My client Ben came to me for coaching because he was finding it hard to keep women interested. He thought the problem was his texting. Nope. His photos were “meh” and that’s how too many women saw him: meh. We upgraded his photos, and took a dazzling shot of him on the beach with his surfboard, conveying his authentic surfer-dude vibes. That attracted women who like that type.
Within a week, Ben had dozens of new matches and three dates lined up—and one woman sent him her number in her very first message.
He wasn’t counting texts. He was counting dates because his profile made him a 10 to his type of woman.
I talk so much about authenticity because I want your type of woman to see YOU as her 10.
Take me. I can’t be all things to all women, but a lady who likes smart, nerdy, funny guys—with just a hint of smart-assery—gets very into me because I’m her 10. I don’t worry about counting texts with her. We swap a few messages, I ask her out, and it’s on.
Before our first date, my girlfriend Jess and I texted back and forth a couple dozen times. It wasn’t “too much” because we were both really into each other, in part because our profiles had already created that spark. All that messaging made us more into each other, not less.
Here’s a good guideline once you’re messaging a woman: Text as much as you and she are both enjoying. Rather than counting texts, watch the balance. If it’s roughly 50/50 or even 40/60 in either direction, you’re good.
It could be one text a day or 12 texts a day (as with me and Jess). Just keep that balance fairly even.
Spend less time counting texts and more time crafting a profile that makes her say, “Hell YES, I want to meet him.”
If she sees how much you can bring to her love life, you’ll never again have to count texts.
Saving Face
Connell, I’m a woman, and the last two guys I had first dates with said I’m too aggressive with my kissing. You know, too much tongue. Any advice?
OVERKISSING
Less is more. If first kisses were movies, aim for “Sleepless in Seattle,” not “Face/Off.”
